Drilling Ventilation Holes in the Submarine

Pro Tip: if you tell someone you're from Romania, it is helpful to speak Romanian.

• I love animals. That's why I watch treehouse shows on Animal Planet

The Christmas commercial barrage has begun. Or I just caught it.

It occurs to me that the holiday might be here soon, in a month and a half, and I should get something for someone. I have one someone on my list. One. And I usually screw that one up, proving that advanced planning has no advantage.

If, for some reason, you find yourself married to a person with multiple personalities, you could always ask a different one of them what to get. Not that I would ever do a thing like that.

• Anything worth doing can be done from the couch  - leftyfucious

Mrs lefty was upset because Penny kept lunging at her while she was driving. She figured out Penny wasn't lunging - she is a Spaniel Seatbelt. She sits right in her lap and doesn't move. That's a weird habit for any dog larger than a Yorkie. Fortunately she's not so large as to impair driving.

• You got me like ah and ooh, with all the things you do... 
• I'm sorry, this 'song' annoys the crap out of me. 
• Ok, I'm not sorry.

I voted. You probably voted too. It's a way to make your voice heard, but only if a lot of people vote like you. I had 5 races: three were libertarians, leaving 2 races to investigate. Duckduckgo was very helpful in getting all the local voting and candidate information. One of the remaining two was an easy choice: vote against our local representative. I don't normally do this - I vote for, not against - but this person gets under my skin by breathing. Have you ever met or looked up someone whose every view is diametrically opposed to yours? It's not like we have any common ground, except (perhaps) not killing random people. Killing random people might be ok with her, but you may not do it with guns, because she's against guns. She never misses an opportunity to make government bigger and more expensive. Every single issue. The other race featured 2 people who were moderate democrat and republican. After research, I wound up voting straight libertarian and two republicans. Remember: "Common sense gun regulations" means gun confiscation or other erosions of the 2nd Amendment.

The incumbent governor won (boo), as did the representative from hell, who is wrong on every issue.  I didn't expect to win, but this is disappointing. Apparently a lot of people didn't vote like me.  

There was a huge turnout, which I'll put down to people coming out against Trump (this a guess, not a comment). Everybody in line was pleasant, helping newcomers to the correct line. The staff was either pleasant or near death. I got to entertain here and there, which made it fun for me. Less so Penny, who isn't registered to vote here (yet), and wasn't allowed in the building. Neither was my comfort elephant, which will require a complaint with the Federal Election Commission, and under the Americans with Disabilities Act. They're just lucky I didn't bring my comfort fire engine or comfort F-15.

• Penny just figured out how to open the kitchen door; she puts her paw under and pulls. How do pets figure this stuff out? It's only a matter of time til she figures out the bi-fold bathroom door. All of our pets figured them both out.

This is Penny. Penny is a meerkat.

Say - are you an HSBC customer in California?

Oops - your personal and banking information are out in the wild after a breach. 

"The information that may have been accessed includes your full name, mailing address, phone number, email address, date of birth, account numbers, account types, account balances, transaction history, payee account information, and statement history where available. 

 Naturally, HSBC is very sorry (they got caught) and they take security very seriously (because they got caught).

• Minnesota is the #1 state in voter turnout: 74.7%
• Even my rudimentary math skills show over 25% of voters can't be bothered to abandon their Faceyspaces accounts long enough to make their voices heard.

Do you have boxes of real dead bats, attached to cardboard, with cellophane wrapped around them? You may not send them to Canada. Don't ask how I know.

• Shrimp paste?

Overheard but not confirmed: Best Buy employees have to price match Amazon prices from their personal phones because of people editing html to change prices on Amazon. 

Just in case you haven't discovered the World Wide Web yet, this means people are taking Amazon web pages and altering the code (html) to reflect their desired price.

Let me eat my words: We are not a nation of morons. We are a nation of mostly morons.

Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam and declared that she doesn't want to associate with white people.

1. Whoever is in charge of Public Relations for Islam had better tell her Mohammed wants her to entertain others from the safety of a soundproofed closet, twelve stories underground, at a nuclear-fortified facility. The reason they're so slow on this is that Public Relations is also in charge of picking random places to blow up innocent people in other countries, in the name of God.
2. Sinead, alternately known as Skinhead or My Little Garbage Truck, in addition to converting, got a real knock on the head and has also converted to Social Justice Warrior. This is proved by her statement coming out on Twitter, where you are not allowed to malign Muslims.
3. This woman is a mess. Those of us who pay attention to this sort of thing (and tell jokes at polling places), suspect she's a victim of abuse, perhaps as a child. She hasn't dealt with her trauma. Let's say Sinead is a balloon (a pretty blue one): she starts out flat, then fills with grief and agita until full. If she doesn't process the agita, the balloon can't hold more air, so it blurts out little bits, like we used to do when we were little to make fart sounds. The bizarre behavior is the air leaking out, bit by bit. After she deals with the event that brought this about, the air will go out of her. Then she'll be flat again (which is not so good if you're a musician). It would be a good thing to get this behind her, lest she find herself the lone member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, remote flying drones that drop bombs on people who don't want to associate with white people.

• Another shooting.
• There have been mass shootings for years. Lately it seems they're out of control. So to speak.
• Is the media hyping the shootings?
• Is there an agenda to disarm Americans? If so, who benefits?
• Has MKULTRA come back in a different form? Who's doing the programming?
• Have we simply morphed into a society with a larger tiny percentage of mass murderers?
• Many of the shooters were on prescribed medicines, like antidepressants and antipsychotics.
• I have no firm answers - just asking questions.

The Guardian, a very strange newspaper in the UK, featured this gem, when they learned that People magazine voted Idris Elba the Sexiest Man Alive:

Congrats, Idris Elba: but next year, let's have a less macho sexiest man alive...

Do you really want to live on the same planet as these people?
How about Harvey Fierstein?
Hint: evolution favors the macho, not the metro.


Many sections of the UK have gone completely off the rails; mostly the government and the more prominent voices of SJWs. If someone said Idris was an ass, the police would prosecute for hate speech and the SJWs would prosecute for racism (because he's black). America would prosecute because no one should be called Idris.

• For some unknown reason, I get a few visits from a domain that seems to belong to some very adult websites, possibly also Ashley Madison. Is somebody trying to tell me something? It is my wife?

old crazy lefty is at it again, with another theory...

Many theories have been put forth about UFOs and their pilots. It is said that some flying things are ours and some are not. There is no shortage of proof that things are flying around up there, regardless of whose.  It is also a fact that the Powers The Be (PTB) have spent much time, money, and lives denying there's anything up there. There are three 'official' explanations for Roswell, from our own government. Why the extreme effort to deny?

Given there's an unknown reason, perhaps it's technology no one wants us to have. Perhaps there's something no one wants to tell us. I'm a big boy - I want, and have the right, to be told the truth.

[Here's the out of the box part] Is it possible that ancient astronauts the pilots of the craft that aren't ours are already known and perhaps already established? That would explain a lot. Or maybe they're all ours and it's all a show.

Thinking of Becoming a Chimney Sweep

The clothing allowance sucks and sex on the job always involves the fire department.



So sue me: I watch science shows.
Particularly good are the ones featuring Bob Ballard. He wears a hat, so you can't miss him.
He also has some expensive equipment and tiny Hyundais that can withstand the incredible pressure of the deep sea. The pressure could crush most things on the planet, except possibly Dick Cheney.

Ballard manages to find stuff. Life finds a way, and does so in most environments, even the very deep sea. They're called extremophiles - they even exist in space; proving that politicians will exist everywhere. There are all sorts of things down there, like large tubes that shoot out hot black stuff, medium tubes that shoot out carbon dioxide [CRbN Ox2], and small tubes that shoot out commercials. Much life is black because they can't see at that depth, plus it's impossible to get laundry service below 500 feet.  Remember: nothing down there has nipples, in case that affects your plans.

Make sure you phone ahead for a reservation: they don't get many visitors, and you're likely to interrupt things you don't want to see.

Ballard's theory is that life began in the sea. I agree with him, but then the aliens genetically modified sea life and produced us. The things we see in the skies are the aliens returning. This is a bit of bad luck.. they'll take one look at the place and halt the experiment immediately and violently.

• Hey, if you 'just happen to 'peruse' the adult Wife Lovers website, it's been hacked and the information you never put there is in the wild. The explanation for the hack is very technical: it was protected by a 40 year old encryption method that can be cracked by moose (even Clyde, the special moose).
• Double disappointment here: your information is for sale AND the site is down.

Remember the story about the Chinese inserting a tiny chip on Super Micro motherboards that would grant them access to the entire server? Me neither.

Super Micro rushed to action and just now put out a release. They have maintained all along that there is no such thing. Even the Department of Homeless Security and the US Securities and Exchange Commission agree it didn't happen. DHS said, "We... I mean.. They did not plant a single chip on motherboards, on the upper right hand side, next to resistor R34 and the remote detonator." Amazon never found anything, and in a press release said, "We found nothing, and we are prepared to back this up by actually looking at the motherboard next time." Even that stupid geeky kid from the commercials agrees.

Super Micro, in their defense, has to begin a multi-million dollar investigation to prove something doesn't exist. This is a logical fallacy, like the alt-right taking over Hollywood. In sympathy, I have volunteered the staff and readers of ThermionicEmissions to prove honest politicians exist.

At no point has anybody asked WHY ARE WE USING CHINESE PARTS in critical systems?

• Amazon wants ICE to buy its facial recognition software.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• As if ICE isn't already using it.

If you're ever in the kind of mood that makes life worth living, ask yourself if the Return on Investment on ICE is in the positive range. If that hasn't torpedoed your mood, ask if the entire government's ROI is in the positive range. That should take care of any remaining positivity until I come up with another question.

• We have spoken of hacks caused by open Amazon buckets. The obvious answer is to keep your buckets closed. The interesting piece of information here is that the buckets are closed by default: you have to open them on purpose. We is perfeshunells.

Kaley Cuoco is on the cover of some women's magazine, looking pretty nice. Kaley and I have a long history, what with her calling all the time. My wife got tired of telling her not to call again, even though she knows I'm faithful. She called again after her first marriage imploded (I told her not to do it). Anyway, if you look at the magazine cover closely, her lips are actually saying 'lefty'. Check it out.

• I just wanted everyone to know that if I can't get the visitor numbers up, I will write more.

"I like Diet Coke - it's super good.

I like putting together furniture. I'm also into friends who leave voice messages."

Normally, I can tell what advertisements are up to. This one baffles me. 

Is it because I'm not 20-something? Because I have a brain? Because I don't fuck chickens?

Do you think I can sell this through lefty's Ad Agency?

"I like Coke. I hate Diet Coke. In fact, the only thing worse than Diet Coke is Diet Pepsi.  I like pissing people off. I'm also into sex before the first date. Did you know Coke can be used to strip paint on cars?" If you put high fructose corn syrup on your nipples, they grow to an enormous size.

• It's not that this show is old, but the laptops have floppy drives

Dear lefty, Security 'Expert':

lefty, my radio app goes out to Russia. Are they trying to hack my phone?
     - Blue in Antarctica

Dear Frigid:
No, they're trying to influence eyebrow fashions. The solution to this, and all cell phone problems, is mistakenly dropping it in the toilet and accidentally flushing.

• I will always be freaked out by the shows about guys with four or more wives. I won't watch any of them, but the concept makes my head spin... four times the bitching, four times the kids, and four women who won't sleep with him.

• Out of 7.6 billion people on the planet, you're definitely one of them.*

*World population has experienced continuous growth since the end of the Great Famine of 1315–17 and the Black Death in 1350.   Good times...




Please... I beg of you.. stop the nonsense..... there's apparently a tv show called Black Jesus.

• Why not Martian Jesus... he'd be green, like me.
• Further, I demand a show called White Oprah
• all Asian sports teams - especially basketball and hockey.
• Law and Order SUV, featuring an all Mexican cast with heavy accents
• M*A*S*H with blacks: who else would the army put in the middle of a war? They could do a lot with Klinger....
• the Jackson family tribute, with white, female musicians

I read something about what Jesus looked like. They used actual science to demonstrate it. The first point was Jesus is pictured as a caucasian fellow with a beard, but Jesus didn't really look like an Allman Brother. Jesus probably looked exactly like anyone else at the time (because if not, it would have gone worse for him. Worse than crucifixion?).

I don't have the picture they used, but it was kinda similar to Saul Rubinek, a semitic looking guy with dark hair, maybe a beard. Saul was in Warehouse 13 and might have appeared briefly in an original Star Trek episode.

I got some of that Jamie Lee Curtis Activia Probiotic yogurt, largely because Mrs lefty bought some. As I ate it, I looked at the label: thousands of probiotics in this yogurt!  It made me sick. I can almost see the little bastards, congregating on top of the yogurt, mocking me. And I'm supposed to eat that shit?

Let's face it.. yogurt is kinda limited, flavorwise. I can tolerate strawberry and blueberry, but that's about it. It's not like they have very chocolate. There's a vanilla, but it's too subtle. They have lemon too, but seriously.. Plus you can only get low fat or no fat varieties. What about high fat? Rocky Road? Crunchy Frog? Oreo? Chocolate chip cookie, perhaps. Currently they have gravel, which isn't much variety.

I've been feeling kinda icky lately... tired, achy, sneezy... thinking back, it coincides with the start of eating healthy...   Coincidence? I think not.

• Internet of Things sales are slowing down in Europe and the US, due to privacy concerns. I am so proud of you....

I suspect we are about to see the most serious, violent response ever to a security breach. The Girl Scouts may have had a breach. If people aren't able to get their Thin Mints, there will be rioting in the streets. I would not bet on the safety of the hacker. On the positive side, hackers will seriously reconsider their hacking activities.

• If you're from the US and find yourself entering Canada, on purpose or through error, you might want to consider leaving your medical marijuana at home. Canada does not recognize medical pot. You will be arrested. If there is over a certain amount, you'll be charged for smuggling drugs into Canada. Your vehicle might be seized until you pay a fine. You might even be thrown in jail for intent to sell.
• Oddly enough, they don't seize antidepressants.
• On the third hand, if you bring pot into another country, maybe some jail time will get through your thick skull that this is not a smart idea.
• If you're really bored and have some time to burn, bring in a tiny sealed baggie of baking soda.

Parking Wars: a bunch of people screaming because they don't read or don't care, then blaming the ticket writer or tow operator.

• Ever listen to the radio, hear a great song from one of your favorite bands, then go completely cold? I heard our local rock(HA!) station playing Little Feat. I started shivering, like they were going to announce one of them died. They don't play my favorite groups on the radio....
• I just checked... no deaths mentioned. I did find out that in 1975, Jimmy Page said they were his favorite American band. Wow.. imagine hearing that....

PENNY NEWS

She has just stolen her first (white) Oreo. She officially approves.

She has already stolen about four stuffed Eeyores. This will cost us quite a bit in Eeyore Replacement. Only Eeyores..... Marshall ate Eeyores too. Must be a dog thing.

Due to discovering several hitherto undiscovered escape holes in the fence, we have to walk her on a leash in her own yard. Can you see me repairing fences? I'd probably use the wrong tool (explosives, the car). 

She's another in a long line of tissue shredders. There's apparently something irresistible about shredding tissues. Can any of my readers elaborate? Can you ask your dogs, please?

Being an English Cocker, she barks with an accent. She has signaled her desire to be 'more than friends' with my leg.

She steals anything edible held under 5' and thinks the tissue box is a snack dispenser. Let's be gross here (still): her output is strewn with white tissue bits. Talk about fiber....



I've Had It

Know what I hate?
Everything.

Yeah, that's my normal attitude, but it's getting worse. I spend time on Twitter, and Reddit, meeting nice people and talking guitar. The political shit and vicious attitudes are completely out of hand - it's downright toxic. I used to shake my head at people who took 'twitter vacations', but now I understand. If I were to purge the political folks from my view, it would be interesting. And unearthly quiet. Regardless, I'm going to be cutting my participation down and somehow eliminating politics. I'm telling you this because I know you care (and you've stopped reading by now). If you choose to do something similar, it's quite possible your mood will improve. Maybe more than just your mood.

Are you sick of social media crap? Other crap?
Have you taken a vacation from it? How did that work out?
If it didn't, call 1-800-Jerry-Springer and maybe you'll be on the show. You will have to pass the chair-throwing and ugly tests first. You must also take an IQ test (and fail).

Inventions, Stats, and Outright Lies

Speaking of anniversaries, ThermionicEmissions is coming up on a big one: at the end of this month, it will be a year and a half since the last comment on the blog.  Sure, lefty, bitch at the people who are brave and nice enough to read the blog in the first place.

• Speaking of Portugal, we had a mad rush last week from Canada. Heh heh. Get it? Rush from Canada? No, seriously, lots of Canadian visitors. And one from Portugal.
• Don't ask me - I just read the stats and look at the pretty colored charts.

The Great Ant Battle of 2018 continues. They show up in weird places... you'd think they'd go after food, which is what insects (and little brothers) do. Not these ants. These guys are after something else. The only problem is that no one has any idea what it is.

Sure, they'll show up where there's food... that's easy. But we find them in the bathrooms. I found them in my office. Nothing alive or dead is in my office, with the possible exception of me. No food, no ancient dog treats, no decaying former guests, and definitely NO dessicated local tax assessors. The only organic matter in that room is occasionally ME. I hope they're not after me, like most other things in the universe.

Maybe some nefarious entity has spliced in some African Killer Bee DNA, rendering the ants nasty, with a taste for blood. A theory about assassination ants is no more strange than any other theory (especially for this blog). 

Somebody told the wife that where there's one ant, there's a ton of ants you can't see. She takes this to heart, so when she sees one, she puts on her Sherlock Holmes hat, with 2 brims, so you can't tell whether she's coming or going, and does some deteckin' work, hunting down the little $&@^ers. One day they appeared to be coming from the dishwasher. She actually spent a while tracing them back. It's a good thing the cabinets are firmly attached to the walls or I'd be even more afraid to go in the kitchen. Then she pulls out the Big Guns... an industrial size yellow gallon container of Everything Killer, with an actual pump and spray gun. It's extremely effective for killing ants. It's also extremely effective at stinking, so you need to plan your strategy carefully. Except for last night, when she found about two hundred of them, having a party in the bedroom. I don't know about you, but if I'm not having a party in the bedroom, no one else is either. She fired, ridding the place of live ants. Did I mention this was the bedroom? In which we sleep? Which was now unfit for human habitation... even Monsanto wouldn't come within a mile of the house. They know why too.

The other gun is some sort of natural ant killer which is harmless to humans, dogs, and sometimes ants. I kid - it works about as well as the yellow gallon, and somehow manages to smell almost as bad. How do natural ingredients manage to smell like chemicals? Maybe the manufacturer added a chemical scent so the customers would think it was working. And now I'm finding a few on my desk. And on my left leg only. Even natural spray isn't all that good for computers and stuff, so it can't be deployed. In some cases it would be nice to say the only interesting thing in the room is me, but not this time.

The prevailing theory is the ungodly amount of rain we've had lately. It's the prevailing theory because no one brought up another theory.  I really need to get some picture of her kills. There was the Battle of the Drying Rack, where thousands died.  The Battle of the Upstairs Bathroom, where bodies flew far and wide. The Battle of the Kitchen Molding, where hundreds were marching, on the way to some top secret target. The aforementioned Battle of the Bedroom, where the casualties were beyond counting. The most senseless slaughter happened during the Battle of the Downstairs Bathroom Molding on the Outside of the Bathroom. I may not be an ant (I'm not...really) but I can't figure out what's so wonderful about molding. You know what they say: it's not the destination, it's the journey.

The latest news involves the Battle of the Office. A favorite internet suggestion was to interrupt their reproduction, as opposed to killing them outright.  We bought a rather large box of this stuff, hoping for some relief. How in the known universe does one apply 5,000 ant condoms?

So we returned that box (Amazon is really good with returns) and went to Plan B; the Morning Before Pill. A trap is set, with micro doses of Ambien. The ants eat it, and immediately become confused, then head off to dreamland. At some point they wake up, whether they know it or not, and become so disoriented, all six legs start moving in different directions. If they manage to find their pad, they go in and stumble about for a while, eventually passing out in their little ant beds. Or on the floor. When they finally arise, the Ambien has rendered them sterile so no more ants. The moral of the story is to stay away from Ambien, lest you become confused and sterile.

• How to stop your smart tv from tracking you. This goes over how to stop your information from leaking, featuring instructions covering several brands.

Work

So I'm enjoying the hell out of my new job, which is exactly like my old job, only with a different name on the checks.  This is a job in which a brain comes in handy. Rarely is any day like any other. But no matter how hard or different the job is, nothing comes close to the overwhelm and sheer terror of benefits selections. There are more health insurances than I've ever seen. With all sorts of bizarre names, having nothing to do with anything identifiable. I made a point of asking if they cover pets, hoping that I'd be employed after asking. No, they do not. How many times have you had to decide between a lot of insurers? It took four days to get up the steam to start looking at them. Wife asked me why I was shaking my head. Apparently I do that when I'm disgusted. Don't ask me - I can't see me when I'm doing it. If you have a shortcut to making this less of a herculean task, please share it with us. Otherwise you have to go through each insurance and figure out what they cover. There's a compare button online, that lets you compare up to three insurers. Three. You still have to figure out if they will cover your specific needs. After what felt like four weeks, but was in fact three weeks, I made a selection. I should have done this weeks ago. I closed my eyes and pointed to a spot on the screen, choosing the insurance under my index finger. Statistically this produces better results than making huge spreadsheets, especially when you can't remember all the shortcuts and commands for spreadsheets. Of course I'm kidding.. I asked my coworker what he has and selected that. 

I have a great dental plan. In fact I've had a great dental plan at the last three jobs, but don't use it because I'm terrified to go there. Since I'm telling on myself, I might as well admit I don't go to the doctor either. I'm not terrified of the doctor, so I have no idea why I don't go. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with the serious lack of very attractive medical assistants, no sir. I can even let them take blood without passing out (me, hopefully not them). Maybe I'm just ridiculously healthy and my body knows it, keeping me from wasting time (and that nice doctor with the gloved finger...at least he says he's a doctor). Ok, ok, I'll go this year; I promise. I've had the same blood slip for five years. I should ask for a new one...the labs probably stopped doing some of those tests. And I ain't letting no one near my cervix until I find out what a cervix is.

Please don't make me look at the life insurance or whatever the hell those other forms are for. Maybe I'll ask Benefits to pick them for me and buy the department some pizza.

It's a nice place to work, provided you don't have any computer problems. I've been in computers for all of my life, so I'm somewhat familiar with them. They're large purple things, the size of a trailer park. Very Smart People set up these computers so the users can't mess with them. This scheme has saved the company millions in User Assisted Screwups and viruses. Unfortunately, anything that goes wrong requires someone with the correct permissions to assist you. The only people with the correct permissions are the good people at the service desk. But you have to put in a service ticket first. The service desk has four hours to contact you. They forgot to put the 2 in front of the 4. Every time something breaks, we do the Service Dance. I put in a service ticket, then email, call, and text them. They always get back to me within 72 hours. Right about 72 hours every time, during which I am working with a broken or seriously disabled computer. I asked my boss about this one day. He didn't seem at all surprised about this. Apparently it's institutional. Not getting my work done is also institutional, judging from some of my coworkers. I'm old school - I don't get this. Plus I used to do this work.

I don't want to get down on the department; I had enough of that when I did it. The techs are all nice and helpful. This points to Manglement. Perhaps gross understaffing. I really don't care - I just want my friggin computer fixed (jackass). After waiting 72 hours, they managed to fix it. For damn near an hour. I called, phoned, and texted them to let them know. Expecting another 72 hours, they pleasantly surprised me by only making me wait 24 hours. This also failed to fix the problem. They're going to try again tomorrow. Or at least that's what they told me.  Maybe it's their fault after all... they have this 24/7 party/orgy happening, which they leave every 6 hours to take a call and promise something they have no intention of delivering. Sure - we'll get with you first thing in the morning and get you all fixed up. Yesterday, first thing in the morning was 1pm. The thing that upsets me most is not getting invited to their parties.

• We received another card from the vet. A donation has been made In Marshall's name to the University of Pennsylvania's Animal Hospital and teaching facility; number one in the area.
• his spirit, personality, and fight touched a lot of people.

We're on a list for another rescue dog, because we didn't learn the first time. Or the second time. Or even the third time. The house is so empty. If we don't do something now, this blog truly will document my journey into madness, as joked about earlier.

Way way back, before any of us were born, cocker spaniels split off into American cockers and English cockers. Americans are the smallest sporting breed, at up to 28 lbs or so. They have short snouts and a merry temperament. English cockers are larger, taller, and more broad, with a longer snout and the same merry temperament. We're on the list for an English cocker. I had one when I was a little terror. Looked almost exactly like this guy:

English cocker in "blue roan"

young American cocker in black

Airport Facts

A fascinating program I saw a bit of was on people moving in airports. Apparently someone sat in airports and observed people. On coming across people walking at them, Asians move to the right and Europeans move to the left. If they're coming at each other, they crash.

They also went into signage. The fellow in charge of signs said "Less is more".
From my two years of high school math:

If less=more then more=less
More air over the plane wing causes less pressure = lift
Plane lift = flying
Flying = cramped seating with screaming infants and a little bastard kicking the back of your seat
Cramped seating = a bad experience, possibly involving cramps
A bad experience = a worse experience picking up your baggage
Difficulty picking up your bags = hostility to airport personnel
Therefore: less=more creates airport personnel fatalities, so keep the food and souvenirs at affordable prices.


The average human hands carry 100 species of bacteria, requiring a war against disease outbreaks.

The runway's biggest problem is birds, which can cause fatal outcomes if they get sucked into the plane's engines, not to mention what the bird feels when shredded by a humongous Rolls Royce airplane engine.  Remember Sully, the pilot who landed his plane in the Hudson River? He had no engines because of bird strikes. My solution: use imprisoned gang members to shoot at them. It's a win-win and a much better shot (sorry) at criminal rehabilitation. It would also be less expensive than designing a laser-guided bird annihilator, assuming the military doesn't already have one.

Or they could rid the place of mice, which attract foxes and birds, which hunt the little $&#ers.

• As if the food weren't enough to keep you away, fast food restaurants are using facial recognition 'to remember how you like your burger'. It's almost everywhere, even in Walmart's parking lots. Mall stores are also using surveillance techniques, whether they're detecting your phone or your face combined with your purchase.
• The main need for remembering who you are is so the restaurant can remember how to screw up your order uniformly.
• Facial recognition software isn't all that accurate, especially on black people. So if you go anywhere with this software, make sure you identify as black.

A Three Hour Tor

TOR, otherwise known as The Onion Router, is a reasonably secure internet platform. When I say reasonably secure, I mean it's safe to route all of your traffic through it, but if you have incredibly sensitive information, you run a risk of being discovered. That aside, Snowden and Assange use it and the NSA is having trouble spying on it (but still manages). The safest way is to boot from and use the Tails operating system. The link has some good basic information on TOR. You can try it out with the TOR browser. Download the browser here. It's Firefox, so you already know how to use it. Give it a shot. Try not to install any extensions/addons because some of them leak information, rendering the browser unsafe.

• Over 460 models of HP laptops come complete with a keylogger. This means that every letter you type could be logged. Fortunately, this 'feature' is disabled by default. It exists in the touchpad driver. If anybody gets access to the computer, they can turn the keylogger on.

The FDA has approved a pill with an embedded sensor that can report when it is swallowed.  This is very interesting and, as I understand it, only one pill. Let's put on our Thermionic Tin Foil Hats.  Any invasive technology tends to come disguised as a benefit: 

• "Oh - we'll know if Gramma took her medicine!"
• "Stupid drug addict brother didn't take his methadone today."
• "Yes, as you know, Doctor, I took my meds, but I'm still hearing the voices. They do not like you."

The pill sends a signal to a patch, which sends the information to an app on your phone. You can send the results to a number of people if you like. How is this wrong? Let me count the ways...

• Bluetooth: hackable in the vicinity
• Sensor: is it really safe n your body? Do you really need it? 
• App: fitness apps and most others transmit information up the line to the software's author, advertising, and Google or Apple.
• No one really needs your information.

British television seems to consist largely of a bunch of overstuffed people sitting on an overstuffed couch, talking about nothing but using a lot of words to get there. No wonder they like some of our shows (Seinfeld).

• Over thirty email clients, including webmail, have a pretty serious flaw that will allow a Bad Guy to spoof the FROM address convincingly. Read this to see if yours is affected. Several were fixed before the flaw was announced.

In the 1980s, AT&T asked a consultant to estimate how many cell phones would be in use in the world by 2000. They concluded the total market would be 900,000 units. This persuaded AT&T to pull out of the market. By 2000, there were 738 million people with cellphone subscriptions. So close....

• a thirteenth human foot was found washed up on Canada's west coast. No one is sure why this happens but no foul play is suspected. No foul play? How many appendages, organs, and severed heads have to wash up before foul play is suspected? And what happened to the fourteenth foot? Isn't Canada supposed to be friendly? Does this sort of thing go on all the time in British Columbia?

Time grows near for the FCC's decision on whether to keep or jettison the Net Neutrality rules. While they haven't explicitly stated it, the FCC really doesn't care what you think and has no problem clinking drinks with Big Business. After having found millions of fake comments on the topic, the FCC is blocking any investigation into the comments, which, incredibly, were from dead people and were against neutrality. Nothing at all is suggested by this wild coincidence.

• A bunch of years ago I went to a guitar show with a Gibson Custom Shop display. I asked the guy if they had ever built any lefty doublenecks. He said he was aware of four, and at that date, they would cost about $5,000. Right handed, of course, was less. Today I finally located a Custom Shop lefty Doubleneck on Ebay, for the bargain price of $8,000. Ok, everything this shop sells is pretty damn expensive, plus shipping from Asia. I'm sure I can get it cheaper by ordering locally.
• I know, I know, you don't care. But Jimmy Page plays one.
• We got what we wanted most for the holidays: Marshall, alive. Because of this, we've had to cancel Christmas.
• But a new guitar (or three) sure would be nice. 

Gibson Custom Shop lefty EDS-1275

In Road Wars, a British COPS-like show, they pulled a car over, checked the trunk, and found 'herbal cannabis'. Herbal, pronouncing the 'H'. When I was young, I did my share of substances, but I am not aware of any variety other than herbal. Did they invent some sort of Imitation Cannabis? Why in the universe do they call it cannabis when 'Pot' is one syllable?

One day on COPS, an officer found "some sort of green, leafy substance; possibly cannabis." Do police recruit from just one pool? Has someone been peeing in it again?

• A Harvard student recently made a bold public declaration, admitting that, while at a bar with friends one time, he talked about the attractiveness of the women in his class. What a brave man. If anybody overheard him, he'd be publicly lynched.

Researchers, which is a term for anyone having more than one account on a website, have estimated that up to one percent of sites on the web have been hacked. For those of us who like math (and I know no one who meets this description) that's about 10 in 1,000 of the most visited websites. This statistic proves nobody is above or immune to hacking, and you will probably visit one of these sites, if not the entire one percent.

• I have seen into the future. Come next June, a newspaper headline will read "America Saves Millions as Half of Congress Arrested for Pedophilia"

Daytime TV Causes More Suicides Than Depression

My wife watches daytime tv.
I cannot begin to describe the horrors. Unless you've spent even a day watching, you do not understand the sheer torture involved.

Broadcast tv went to hell years back, with radio. There's absolutely nothing of value, with the possible exception of news, and even that's questionable.  Things seem to go in blocks, starting with news at some hour at which even plants (and ants) are still sleeping. Then it goes to Yack Shows, where one or groups of women talk about celebrities, including Wendy Williams; an exceedingly tall woman with 400 wigs and humongous breast implants. You never see her and Frankenstein in the same room, but I shall go no further. The only thing worse than this gossip hound is her mind-controlled audience, whose entire output consists of drooling and "WOO WOO." Then a couple of non-caucasian women yack about celebrities and all talk at the same time. Then a huge block of Judge Shows, including Judge Judy, who is the rudest woman on tv and an incredibly negative Jewish stereotype. These go on for hours, with anyone who can fit into a robe raining down justice on some of the dimmest bulbs ever to appear in court. It's not fair to expect people to have a college degree (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but most of these people don't have high school degrees. If they do, all of them failed grammar. Four times. They might not have left high school til they were twenty five, several days before they appeared on the show.

In between and around the March of the Stupid are the 'movies'. Because there is nothing on tv and because there isn't an original thought left in tv (or movies or music), new stations are popping up (like vicious weeds you cannot kill). They are probably taking advantage of copyright lapses and airing the absolute worst crap you can imagine: black and white war movies, 1970s television shows, and the real mind-blower - an entire network devoted to 70s game shows.

Wife is fascinated with history, with a special emphasis on those wacky and wild nazis. I don't claim to understand this and probably don't want to. As a result, there are frequently nazi movies on tv. You know - the family friendly, touching nazi movies. But do not despair.. non-nazi war movies are good too, provided they're black and white. Were people black and white in the forties? When war is temporarily over, the 'classic' black and whites start, with murder mysteries and stories of men loving unhinged women and someone killing someone else for the money.  One network picks ten of these gems, perhaps throwing in a 70s or 70s or 80s horrid period classic (in color!), and runs them all month. I don't even watch this crap and can recognize some of the lines. Wife, who has the attention span of a fly and the continuity of an infant, can watch this delightful deluge of mediocrity each time, with it being new each time.

So I sit there, diligently doing something horribly important on my computer, and being forced to listen to this drivel.

Don't forget the commercials! 1-800-SUE! If you've been injured, experience death, have mesothilioma, or transvaginal mesh, there are altruistic guardians of what is right called lawyers. You may be entitled to a cash reward and these folks are right there to help you. After you're done litigating, there are about fourteen variations of the Need Cash Now commercial, which run til you want to get all stabby with close family members. Finally, you can get paid to take care of your very sick relatives or be a cosmetologist. Both require silly outfits.

I have to admit it's fascinating to look at bits of 70s tv, to see how far we've come in production and technology (and writing - my God). Of all shows, CHIPS (remember that?) has absolutely the best car crashes we have ever seen, bar none. Today's car crashes cannot hold a candle (or a flamethrower) to these. The entire freeway winds up littered with completely smashed up hulks of 70s Land Yachts. The world could probably do without Rockford Files, Quincy, and the rest of the 'programming,' especially the torturous Murder, She Wrote, which runs two episodes, for the specific purpose of getting viewers to change the channel to some other mind-eating network. Like the Game Show Network. Can you imagine watching Jeopardy from 1974? The host and all of the contestants have been dead for 20 years. If you don't watch out, you might join them.

• We are still fighting the Great Ant War of 2017 but it appears the ants have decided to stop sending soldiers to the front. We're getting stragglers. Perhaps they found a better target. What could ants possibly want in a bathroom. A tub area? I hope they went to visit the Crazy Lady, although I suspect even they are terrified of her. If the ants ever take over, only she will be left standing.

Police are getting bodycams that identify places and people. The manufacturer, Motorola, claims it's not facial recognition, it's object recognition. Yeah, ok.  This is all ok, though, because it's for the children. No, really, they're tugging heartstrings because it can look for missing children. Heaven help us. When this gets loose, which it will, it will only get worse. Let's see... my state has facial recognition on drivers licenses. Wanna bet.....

While we're at it, there's a critical flaw in Segway Hoverboards, making them vulnerable to cyberattacks. There you are, Michael J. Fox, on your hoverboard, when some wag cyberchild hijacks the local surveillance camera to watch what happens when he turns the hoverboard upside down, hurtling you to the sidewalk. Seven minutes later, it's uploaded to Faceyspaces.

• Google is using your entire search history to create a personalized news feed. Although there are certain things you can do to minimize what Google knows about you, the best way is to stop using it. Duckduckgo is the way to go.

Pennsylvania is reporting ninety billion hacking attempts against it last year. There is no information available about how they arrived at this number, but it looks to be in reaction to scores of reports that they were hacked during the election. Let's ignore the fact that this breach might have something to do with the last election (seriously?). PA does want us to rest assured there is no evidence of the Russians hacking into the voting machines. No evidence at all. Nothing to see here - go on home.

I suspect the total number was arrived at by taking the number of stop signs in the state and dividing it by the number of pet squid belonging to the residents in the state. The resulting number is multiplied by that year's state deficit and added to the governor's salary. This number is divided by the number of strip clubs visited by state employees with state funds. See - easy as PI.

• A Canadian family had some interesting luck the other day. They were having some ice cream when someone bit into something, later identified as a catheter. The ice cream company charged them extra for the medical device, the health system had the police arrest them for using an unprescribed medical device and, being Canadian, the family apologized.

If English managed to produce a lot of words that had the first and second letter capitalized, I'd be the fastest typist on the planet.

• Senator John McCain has been diagnosed with brain cancer at the Mayo Clinic. ThermionicEmissions wishes him good health. He has already introduced legislation to bomb the clinic.  
• No, it's never too soon.

A Florida man, upset that AT&T trucks were parked on his property, asked them to move. Apparently he was not satisfied with the answer because he came back with a gun, shot out all four tires on one truck, walked to the other truck, reloaded, and shot out each of those tires too. He also shot out a radiator and into the body of a truck. In the obligatory interview with the neighbor, who only spoke Spanish (because this is Florida, US), he was such a nice guy.

In unrelated news, AT&T has ordered all of its employees to take an intensive two week course in what is a driveway and what isn't a driveway, as well as in which you should park the truck. So far there has been an eighty percent fail rate.

• Internet of Things Strikes Again: Alexa, everybody's favorite in-home listening device, got remotely updated so now its users are part of Amazon's Social Network.  You upload your contacts to the mobile app and everything gets thrown into the network, including the pool guy, some person you helped with their computer, people you don't remember, and your car mechanic. All of these people can add you. You can add them. If you don't like them, there was no way to block, but Amazon fixed that. If you want out, you have to call an actual person to be unsubscribed.
• As one would expect, Alexa users aren't really concerned. Ho-hum.

The dog did everything but sit on my head this morning in bed. He did walk up, plop down on my pillow, and proceeded to pant and whine, about five minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off. No one set the dog for that time, so it was annoying. When I went to let him out, he went and slept by the door in the other direction. I thought the poor little bugger wanted to go out, get some breakfast, or some meds... no - he woke me up so he could sleep in a different place. You tell me who is running the house.

She Looks Like Peter Tork

Just to get this thing kicked off with a bang, over 8,600 vulnerabilities have been found in pacemakers. Don't leave the frigging house.

• So there was only one act of terror over the weekend (that got any press) and that was another van running into people in England, on the London Bridge. There were fatalities.
• There's an awful lot of this going on. I get a strange feeling we're being manipulated. Last time England claimed they needed net censorship. This time they claimed they need worldwide net control (censorship). BINGO. False flag operation, designed to obtain control of the (mostly) free internet. Let's watch closely. Nothing happens out of a vacuum.
• Speaking of which, the policeman who shot and killed three of the terrorists has been suspended.

Your cell provider knows where you are at any moment. Is it ok for the police to know, without a warrant? The Supreme Court will rule. Watch this case, if Ginsburg can stay awake that long.

• This is not new, but the Secret Service got color printer manufacturers to have printers encode date and serial number of the printer on each document you print. This was initially for counterfeiting measures, but now it's for the children. Yet more collusion with government. This is how they outed the latest NSA leaker.
• The leaker, a white woman, stated online that 'Being White is Terrorism.'

Thought for the day: I commit terrorism every day by deliberately being white.

I read that Dickey Betts recently made peace with Gregg Allman. Good timing. This is not the burden you wish to carry for the rest of your life. Please remember this.

• British Airways' IT Glitch, that took down the entire airline last week, was caused, as previously typed here, by a power surge that knocked even the backup system offline. Additionally, outsourcing made it worse, with the foreign workers not having the knowledge to restart the systems. A brand new cause has been found... a systems engineer switched off the power to the IT systems. It was switched back on, which allegedly caused physical damaged to the systems.
• Just a note: switching the power off to the systems is not the same as a large surge or offshore contractors not being able to power up the systems.

Another thing learned from COPS: meth chicks are skinny. I like skinny.

Latest on the students of Evergreen State College: protesters are running around with baseball bats. An administrator released a memo, instructing students to get rid of the bats immediately (or he'd release an even more stern memo).

• Memo to London: Those three men in a van who just ran into people on the London Bridge? They were known to authorities. People called with concerns about them. One was in a jihad film. With all this knowledge, they completed their mission. With one camera for every eleven people, your government couldn't protect you. MI5 says it will be a generation before they catch up - they're woefully understaffed.
• Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.  -Ben Franklin
• Your government isn't going to protect you. You will simply give away your rights, like after 9-11. This applies to all countries.
• In related news, Welsh police have picked up a man with automated facial recognition for the first time. Automated facial recognition is built into US drivers licenses.

Canada's Minister Freeland stood up and gave a rather stunning speech on global leadership, suggesting that Canada should not take a free ride on the US train and step up to take the mantle of Global Leader.

Naturally my Skepticism Meter<tm> ran off the scale, first wondering how much of his family is in the defense industry. But I really like the tone of the speech and how Canada wants to Do The Canadian Thing: Step Up.

With this in mind, we present our Global Leadership Trophy and T-shirt to Canada, with three cheers. Huzzah! (eh?)

And I dare you to read his speech in a voice other than South Park's Canadian accent.

• Rod Stewart is touring with Cyndi Lauper. Concert starts at 8:00. Be there at 9:00.

Just remember: to a dyslexic, bowling is blowing.

Much as I despise phones ringing, I finally found a good use for them: I spent the last week trying to locate a bunch of phones by calling them from other phones. Otherwise I ignore them or shut off the ringer, which makes them even more difficult to find. I wonder if they travel when I'm not looking.

STIGMA

Somebody asked me how to be a good friend/supporter/family member when someone goes to the Happy Place (Booby Hatch, Loony Bin, mental hospital). There are no absolutes, but here are some suggestions:

• find out what the patient wants. If they'd like visits or calls, do so. If they want no contact, don't contact them.
• the family or whoever is home when the patient goes in might need some support or a hand or a burger. Are there kids?
• even if nothing is wanted, it helps to be a solid, supportive friend, in whatever way you can - just being you.
• don't go beyond what is requested, if anything.

'Crazy' is relative. It has been treated poorly since the beginning of time. When Mrs lefty got her bipolar diagnosis, many years ago, she was shunned at work, as if it were contagious. Interestingly, she was shunned by people who spent nights and weekends getting so blasted, you couldn't talk to them.

Waiting for the Stop Sign to Turn Green

SUPREME IRONY: A UK man who was struck by lightning and died was carrying a selfie stick. Even Mother Nature hates selfie sticks (and selfies).

• Beware, by-the-hour hotel room renters in Zimbabwe: the hotel might be taking video of you and selling it. Nigerians simply can't be trusted, in hotels or spam.

A Seattle Seahawks quarterback said God has spoken to him and he is remaining celibate until marriage to a singer named Ciara.  While I support their right to live any way they please, when most people hear voices, they get Special Medicine. Perhaps the quarterback just needs some Special Medicine. God told him that he needs him to lead Ciara. So let's add delusions of grandeur.

• Yet another Star Wars spinoff will tell the back-story of Han Solo. Disney announced that the next film in the series will follow the wacky adventures of Stan Polo, Han Solo's second shift mechanic in charge of footrests. Also expected in the franchise: Chewbacca's stylist, Arthur Furry, and his story about being Hairdresser to the Empire aboard the ship Millenial Poofter.

Civil rights groups are suing Chicago for more gun control. In related news, the liquor industry is suing automobile manufacturers for drunk driving accidents.

• An illegal alien, deported to Mexico five times, has shot and killed an American woman in San Francisco. Perhaps Trumpie has a point after all.  The 'undocumented' man chose San Francisco because it is a Sanctuary City that ignores Customs requests, so he wouldn't be prosecuted. Incidentally, the gun is registered to a federal agent.
• If the US guarded their borders half as well as Canada, we'd be in pretty good shape. Canada will not admit anyone who can't show they can pay their way or plans to work without proper documentation (so they will not take work from Canadians). Also, they will not admit people with certain criminal records or who are carrying drugs. Can you imagine this on the US/Mexican border? Obama would have a heart attack.

An ex-FIFA official has been banned for life from soccer.  I want this.

• Guitar World magazine has just posted an article on the Ten Best Stage Names of famous guitarists. Here are a couple:

1. Slash: Saul Hudson [Guns N Roses, Velvet Revolver, Snakepit]
2. John Denver: John Deutschendorf
3. Alex Lifeson: Alex Zivojinovich [Rush]
4. Zakk Wylde: Jeff Wielandt [Ozzy, Black Label Society]
5. Yngwie Malmsteen: Lars Johann Yngwie Lannerback [Oy Vay Malmsteen]
6. Steven Tyler: Steven Tallirico [Aerosmith - ok, technically not a guitarist]
7. Tony Curtis: Bernie Schwartz [sorry, couldn't resist]

According to the BBC, Child sexual abuse inquiry 'could last until 2020'. Perhaps they're waiting for all of the living abusers to die. It's not pretty out there, folks. They protect their own.

• It's been a bad year for AC/DC, with guitarist Malcolm Young going demented and drummer Phil Rudd sentenced in New Zealand to eight months of house detention for drug possession and making threats to kill. I wonder if you can play drums with an ankle bracelet.....

A man has been arrested in Curry County, New Mexico in the US after allegedly running around in the nude and stealing a police car. After retrieving the car, the seats were burned.

• It's been a year since Malaysian flight MH17 was shot down over Ukraine. Anybody?

Slap Some Music Upon Us

Today's tittilating treat is Justin Currie, better known as the singer/writer for Del Amitri [at this point, one of my dear readers, and you know who you are, just passed out from excitement]. The Dels are Scottish, making for a hilarious situation when listening to them speak - they almost require subtitles, especially after too much alcohol (Justin, not you).  There's much to like about Del Amitri, from the interesting musical influences (don't ask me what they are) to the writing, singing and playing. Strangely enough, this is not another one of my posts about insanely great guitar players - this is just about the song.

There are many great songs from which to choose, so I'll give you a few favorites: Be My Downfall is a winner. It's a very clever piece about a guy and his girlfriend (and his wife).  One of my favorite deep haunting songs is Sleep Instead of Teardrops. I don't typically memorize or get too into lyrics but this song really intrigues me. It seems to be about serious loss. I'd love to hear about it from Mr. Currie's mouth because it's so serious. When listening, take note of the beautiful instrumentation and production. Also note an attempt to be Paul McCartney (or so I hear). Enjoy the live version of Always the Last to Know. Pay attention to another clever set of lyrics.

Where's the Other Half of my Dog?

It was getting to be time. In fact, it was past time. Marshall the Cocker went out for Halloween as JK Rowling's Hairy Cocker.  When you're unemployed, you have to cut things back; things like expensive groomers.

Speaking of Indians, why is it that certain groups grivitate toward certain occupations?  Both recent groomers have been gay Mexicans. No thank you, I don't want his nails painted (I am not making this up).  And all of the dentists in my neighborhood are Indian. And the PITA job recruiters are Indian.

My best job offer ever came in this week: would I like a three month contract in Montreal, Canada? Ummm.. no. I've had some real doozies, but Montreal?  At least stay in the same country, guy. Plus, as we all know, it's not polite to speak French in public, making this offer impolite and rude.

But enough about that topic. Whenever I say job, an angel gets shot out of the sky. Have you ever tried to get blood out of white wings? It's not happening, people.

So Marshall gets back from the groomer, half the dog he used to be. To be honest, he looks silly. And as if that weren't enough, they put a bandana around his neck.  Talk about rude!  My dog needs a bandana like the president needs a dunce cap.  No, wait a minute.. my dog needs a bandana like any dog needs a bandana. I've killed people for less. What's next - a bee costume?

Mind you, my wife thinks he looks cute. My wife also thinks I look cute: there's no acounting for taste.

Cat Food Ballet has gotten even worse at my house.  I think I've figured this out... the cat gets his food behind a door so Marshall doesn't nudge him out of the way and eat all of it himself. Poor Marshall has to stand on the other side of the door, waiting for the Cat Food Gods to open the door so he can lick out the bowl. Sometimes he sits there for ten minutes, cleaning the cat food bowl of every microscopic bit of its former contents.  It turns out that the cat purposely leaves some of his food in the bowl for the dog. We know he was raised with dogs but that doesn't even go halfway towards explaining this behavior. One day my wife watched the cat push a pizza box off the table so both of them could eat it. Everybody loves pizza in this house. So the cat and dog are co-conspirators: the old swatting and barking bit is just for show.

The cat is slowly training the wife and it's not pretty to watch.  Having his claws makes our life a bit more complicated, as he won't play with a cat toy, he prefers to use furniture. My wife used to let him outside when he started this and after a few days, he had her trained to let him out with a scratch. He also trained her to feed him on command. Whenever she goes into the kitchen, he races in there and sits by his bowl. If that doesn't produce food, he head-butts her leg and annoys the crap out of her until she produces the food.  Then, of course, he eats a bit and opens the door for the dog to come in and finish it. Sometimes he walks to the dog bowl and eats some of that, making the circle complete.


MAIL AND STUFF


Relatives are out of town for an event. My job has been to pick up mail and manage trash cans. Unfortunately I've proven pretty good at managing trash cans but I am terribly afraid to look for a job managing them. Plus I never wanted to be in management.  Unfortunately this golden effort has been sabotaged by the real trash guys, who failed to empty one can.  How am I going to tell my family, including She Who Must be Obeyed, that there was a Trash Can Emergency on my watch? It reflects very poorly upon me. What if they go away again and won't let me manage the cans? What about the mail - will I still be allowed to pick it up?

On the way to pick up the mail today, I asked Marshall if perhaps there were anybody who wanted to take a ride, perhaps in the car... he looked at me wide-eyed and ran halfway up the steps. No one knows why. So I asked him again and he got all excited, almost hovering above the step but still not coming off the step. Finally he moved when I picked up his leash.  It's almost as if he's very hopeful but not entirely certain so he wants to be asked a second time.  If my wife's napping and I have to go into the room, he follows and jumps onto the bad, making himself comfortable, usually on my pillow. When I leave, I tell him to follow me. He just sits there. So I have to close the door, at which point he leaps off the bed and I re-open the door so he'll come out. It's like COPS, when the police have to tell everybody twice to PUT YOUR HANDS UP.

After picking up the mail, I put on my seatbelt and took off. Definition of seatbelt: the thing that holds your dead body in the car after a crash. In PA, there is no motorcycle helmet law but there is a seatbelt law. Anyway, it's mighty uncomfortable in the car, largely because there's a leash there. On closer examination it appears that I somehow managed to put the seatbelt on through the leash. I couldn't do that again for a million dollars.

On the way home from the groomer's the other night, we got into the car and I noticed the passenger seatbelt warning light flashing.  Apparently I don't have the smart car, which shows a picture of a dog instead of a person on the flashing light.  Can't it tell the difference between a forty pound cocker spaniel and a... much heavier person? The wife made the mistake of leaving her Dunkin Donuts coffee cup in the console.  In a matter of seconds Marshall had the lid off and was face-down in the cup. I shooed him away, noticed the light turn green and in that second, he was back in the coffee. I yanked him out of the coffee and drove down the block and yanked him out of the coffee again. At this point I put the lid back on. And he took it off.  And I put my hand on the top of the cup, at which point he started trying to nudge my hand out of the way.  Trying to keep both of my hands on the wheel was most difficult, as I had to keep pulling him out of the coffee.

And how is the car, you ask?  [get ready...]
The car is fine, thank you. The house is fine too, thank you.
Why is everything fine?  Sage.
When one gets a house or car, a friend provides sage for something called Smudging. This is where you light the stuff and take it to every room in the house. You also see this is the Ghost Chaser tv shows, where they use it to cleanse the house of certain entities (you can choose to believe any of this or not). So Wifey smudged the house and, on the advice of a friend, did the car too.  And why not? At this point, I'm about ready to call a gypsy to wrap up ten thousand dollars and burn it to ward off the Evil Car Spirits.  When she was done, she put the mostly burned sage into a cat food can in the car, as an ashtray.  Fortunately we haven't been stopped by the police because it looks like a giant blunt.



IT'S IN THE BAG

Did you ever stop to notice how difficult it is to put stuff in bags?  Think really hard about this one, folks. Just try opening a fresh new trash bag, if you can. This is a major effort in itself, moreso if you're already holding something in the other hand. You wind up shaking it like mad and if it inflates, it makes a horrible noise, causing the cat to Go Elsewhere in haste.  If you somehow manage to get the bag open, you will require a phalanx of assistants to get whatever you're trying to get into the bag whilst simultaneously making certain that it's not landing on the floor.  It's veritably impossible, I tell you. Even with one assistant, it's a peach. He or she holds the bag open. You attempt to put the first item in the second bag. And you fail.  The seemingly open bag has now folded back up, in spite of your assistant's valiant work.

Again, the assistant opens the bag.  This time you're trying to put a bag inside a bag, which makes the task exponentially difficult to a degree incomprehensible even to Albert Einstein, which makes things even more difficult as the has the temerity to be dead.  Even if you get half of the bag into the bag, the other half with not fit or will wind up on the floor, taking the second bag (and possibly the assistant) to the floor with it.

One day I thought I won the war.  After a time or six trying to get something into a no-longer-folded bag, I succeeded.  I was joyous and thankful.  And when I turned to wash some dishes, the bag fell down on one side, spreading a disgusting substance all over the floor.  It was almost as if it performed some sort of acrobatic leap or possibly a suicide jump. Much mopping up and lots of screaming later, I had everything in the bag, as it were.

Going back to washing the dishes, I put a washed knife into the silverware drying rack, causing it to take a giant leap (for fork-kind) back into the sink. I carefully inspected the knife, thinking that it might still be dirty but no, it was perfectly clean. This must be related to the box of coffee k-cups we have on the shelf. It keeps hurling itself to the floor. Last time I put it where gravity couldn't get it and I actually heard it go to ground.  One day a friend walked by the dining room table and a glass hurled itself off the table. I had hoped that sage would have cured the leaping bit but apparently it did not.