Is that a Real Poncho or a WalMart Poncho

Your love is like   edible cotton underwear

It's been 9 years since Malaysia Air Flight MH370 'disappeared into thin air' (or water).  Scientists have developed a new theory, that comes on the heels of all the old theories. This theory involves barnacles. The previous theories involved seaweed, printer/copier/scanners, the Dow Index, and nose rings. Apparently in more temperate regions of the sea, barnacles grow longer nose hair. This PHD discovery went on to describe the micro plankton attached to the barnacle hairs, even though barnacles are sworn enemies of plankton. The plankton micro-impede the flow of the ocean, resulting in 'updated' patterns for airplanes that go missing. From Malaysia. So there is a new debris disappearance pattern. But still no debris.

This is a national embarrassment, and tragic for relatives and friends of the missing.

Next week, Very Smart Scientists (VSS) will theorize that a UFO came along and swallowed up the plane, which is why we can't find any debris, in spite of all the combined brainpower of the 3 people left looking into this (do not malign goat farmers - one leg is naturally longer due to standing on hills - you are seeing evolution at work).

In unrelated news, there is still no specific slur for Malaysians.

Sometimes I think it's more difficult to find a slur than MH370.

Fukushima: Discharge from Japan nuclear plant safe, tests show

The tests were performed with a plastic bucket and some sand, by the owners of the Fukushima plant. Anyone with a memory knows the same tests were performed when the accident first occurred. They dumped radioactive water and lied about it.

Scientists strengthen concrete by 30 percent with used coffee grounds

The concrete is reported to be stronger and more awake, with an improved sex life.

is there nothing coffee can't improve? 

3D printers printing without consent is a cautionary tale on cloud reliance

You can finally buy Lego’s Braille Bricks

This came after the 1965 Air France disaster, when the blind pilot tried to read regular Legos.

Passenger seat belt warnings should be mandatory, say feds  [including rear seats]

Because there is no area of our lives into which the federal government won't encroach. Seatbelts should be voluntary, as should those stupid warnings when you don't put them on. If I want my car to talk back to me, I'll marry it.

 I am not saying you shouldn't wear them... just that they shouldn't be mandatory. You're a big boy or girl, and you can make your own decisions.

 

Biden to bolster boondocks broadband with a billion bonus bucks (barely)

What would the poor broadband providers do without their country jumping in to pay for their expenses? Poor Comcast. Poor Verizon. Poor Biden administration, upset that its latest giveaway didn't break a billion. PRESIDENT GIVEAWAY IS SAD, DAMMIT!

Iraqi officials have ordered all electronic advertising screens to be shut down in Baghdad after a hacker used one to show a pornographic film.

Owner of signs said ad engagement was near 100%.

 

Xbox’s new “8 strikes” mod rollout judges hate speech 3x worse than cheating

That's right- Big Tech is now regulating speech on your Xbox. Go ahead and cheat - but don't you dare say anything hateful. While it's technically their right, look at their actions on the internet also.

 

I have a cousin. Ok, a cousin-in-law.  She's from the Polish side, which means I can't spell her last name. I met her for the first time at a party I threw for Mrs. lefty. I don't know what I did, but she thought I was the greatest thing since chocolate. Whenever Mrs. lefty visits her, she asks how I'm doing and packs a goodie bag to bring home for me. I asked Wife if she told Cousin that I can lick my eyebrows or something.... She has chronic pain and fights it with alcohol. I did not know this. While visiting, Wife left to pick something up. Cousin offered me a drink. I'm easy - water, Coke, just no diet soda. She brought me a vodka bottle with a straw. I thought I had a communication issue with Wife, but this was a whole new universe. Cousin thinks I'm cute, which identifies another problem that runs in the family...

I need to buy a pipe and a porch if this continues....

I am gross and perverted, I am obsessed and deranged

I have existed for years, But very little has changed

I am the tool of the government, and industry too

For I am destined to rule, and regulate you.

I might be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious, with the stuff that I say

I am the best you can get, have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozing out, from your tv set

I am the Slime   -Frank Zappa 

 

Dreams Don't Die - Dreamers Do

 

Your love is like  getting a Brazilian wax

• Former Google CEO calls social networks 'amplifiers for idiots'.
• if the custom made Italian shoe fits...

Today I identify as  a busy bartender, with the Flying AIDS

Actually, I identify as a person who is still sick.

I somehow managed to get an appointment with the doctor, instead of the person who sets up his office furniture. After a lot of phone calls, waiting, and reading 50 books on how to satisfy a woman, I got all set up.  A turkey baster.... I had no idea...

So it's 45 minutes after appointment time, and no doctor. I call the office, which just let me know I'm 9th in line to speak to what passes as a real person. Every 5 seconds, their sophisticated phone system tells me I am still 9th in line.

You know, I'm kinda tired. It's a good thing I don't have anything fatal, or I might slip away, just trying to get some help. Even though we ascertained I don't have the Flying AIDS, I still have a fever, which means I can't come into the doctor's office. Because, you know, we can't have any sick people in the doctor's office. The next time I have an appointment, I'll tell them I can't come in because I'm sick.

I know for a fact that we have a pretty good medical system. I just wonder where it went on vacation and if it's wearing a mask.

• In a win for the anti-violence effort, a 28 year old anti-violence worker in Philly shot and killed a 31 year old male prostitute. 

New Google Nest Hub experiment nixes the “Hey Google” voice hotword

Because let's call a spade a spade.... the thing listens to everything you say... 

• No, mouthwash won't save you from Flying AIDS.
• Because yesterday, mouthwash was said to save you from Flying AIDS 

Google is making it easier to run Windows 10 on Chromebooks.

Because your day isn't crappy enough already... 

Give Blood 

It wasn't entirely by choice... the doctor ordered a lot of tests. In fact, when I saw the list of tests, I asked if I'd have enough blood to go back to work. I suspect some of the values were off, due to the extremely alarmed looks on the blood tech. They don't normally pee in their scrubs, do they?

I brought Mrs lefty along because she said we never spend any quality time together.  The last time I got results, someone suggested we order an ambulance.

When the doc says you need tests, you say "ok" and go get them. You tend to miss small stuff, like 'fast for 12 hours' or 'you'll need to drop off some urine.' There are two distinct reactions to this: the first is that you will NOT be able to produce a drop of urine because you're supposed to. The second is that you pee. Most of my relatives are in the first group. The key here is to shake your head whenever they ask you a question. "Have you fasted for 12 hours?" [head shake]. "Can you fill this up?" [head shake or ask 'from here?'].

Having managed to produce some of the yellow gold, I took one look at the container, before trying to give it to random old ladies who were walking around, and said, "A-HA! This is the problem. Look at that color!" Then I quickly realized I have never seen my urine in a specimen cup so I have no idea what color it's supposed to be. I figure that as long as it's in the General Urine Color Spectrum<tm>, I'm ok. So, lacking any blue or green, I figured I'd just allow the professionals to take care of things... I'm good that way...

Vampire Bob, or the Blood Taker, was very nice, in spite of that odd look in his eye (the good one).  He said I'd only feel a pinch - I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be on my butt. He told me I'd have no blood left, so a high-sugar, high-fat breakfast was essential. I'm just happy I didn't pass out, like the last 12 times. Turns out they like you to tell them this before they stick you. Note: the stools are further from the ground, so it's much farther to fall.

I'm sure my doctor, or his interior decorator, will call me back with the results. My results. Any results. His bloody t-shirt did little to calm my fears, but he sure sounded eager.

• Due to the Flying AIDS, France put 46 million under night curfew. 
• This is political misdirection: the problem is what they get up to during the day.

Burger King is planning to test reusable containers.

They can put their reusable food inside them.

• The problem with online training is that they expect you to pay attention. This is what killed me in classroom training.

You gotta hand it to Greenpeace - they're right on top of things. They say Fukushima contaminated water could damage human DNA. Were they out drinking heavily a few years back, when Fukushima dumped the radioactive water?

Dear lefty  

• What are you doing with that anvil?
• flattening the curve 

Mitch McConnell wants you to know he has no health problems. The purple lips and band aids all over his hands are for Halloween - yeah, that's it - Halloween. 

The immediate question is 'what kind of idiot...' and the immediate answer is McConnell. Remember Halloweens of past, when Harry Reid sported a bandage over his eye and Bush the Dimmer 'choked on a pretzel.'

California is bracing for riots after the election: the police are getting military gear out and the people are getting their Twitter Whining Fingers warmed up.

Catholic leaders are mad at the pope for his speech on same-sex unions. The pope issued a correction: "When I said that same sex couples need love too, what I meant was 'keep on doing those little boys with impunity.' I apologize for any confusion."

Best Title 

The twisted sex lives of Nazis — and the women who loved them

I Feel Good.

Sent off my ballot.

The libertarians had a candidate for almost every seat.

Except for the lady whose every breath disagrees with me.

The only thing missing was the satisfaction of pulling the Libertarian lever and feeling its certainty, as I cast my vote. I'll live.

Unfortunately there will be no stories of the masked Great Unwashed, standing 6' apart, probably in the rain, in the firehouse. There will come a time when a fire breaks out, deafening everybody in line, except for the registrars, some of whom have been dead for 25 years. They do good work.

A huge overall turnout is expected; perhaps the highest since the early 1900s

If nothing else, Trump got people off their fat asses and to the polls.

And peace in the Middle East.

A doctor friend was gleeful about spitting on a Trump sign.

I can't believe I had to tell a friend to register his complaint at the polls, not on someone's private property. I need better doctor friends. 

WTF is wrong with America when this sort of behavior is ok?

Have we been online too long? That kind of toxic behavior is NFG in real life.

I don't go around uprooting Trump AND Biden signs. Think of all the work a 3rd party voter has to do...

Happys 

Weird Al Yankovic

SJW Scrawl 

Twitter suspended a feminist professor for saying 'only females get cervical cancer'

The investment firms that manage Yale's $31.2 billion endowment were put on notice: you will be measured on your progress increasing your staffs' diversity