Who Let lefty Out Again?

Go piss up a rope - I do get out sometimes.

After bringing death to a bunch of computers, laptops, and android devices, I had to buy Stuff to fix the lot of them. The quickest stop was Best Buy (uh-oh) - this was my first mistake. I researched everything I wanted online first, so I knew what I was getting. This was my second mistake.

Walk into most stores and it goes one of two ways: Can I help you with anything or IF I WAVE MONEY, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME? I prefer the latter, which is what I got. This was my third mistake. I did enjoy floundering about, like Michael Moore in a candy store that doesn't really have lots of different kinds of candy in it, but it's still entrancing.  The Humongo Size TV setup, that comes with a couch and coordinated lamps, was playing Bohemian Rhapsody. The actor playing Freddie had huge, ugly pores.

But seriously, folks, I needed an SD card. And if I could remember which one I needed, I'd be in good shape. There were SDs, SDUHCs, SDFUs, and Spiderman Special SD-Xs. Plus they have grades or some other rating system, which covers how fast they fall when dropped into Niagara Falls. I went for the fastest faller because I'm that kinda guy.

The it was Mouse Time.
I would have done better going to The Mouse House in Florida, Home of Mickey, built by a rabid antisemitic called Roger Waters Walt.
We know I've been around a bit. When mice first hit the stores, they were ridiculously expensive and large. I liked them. Unfortunately you could not find a large mouse if your life depended on it. They're all varying degrees of tiny, like a convention of Small People. Then there are the portable ones, which are even smaller. Children benefit from this, but not adults (or large children with big hands, like me). I found one off-brand wired mouse. Little did I know I was only getting warmed up.

With fear and trepidation, I made it to the final department. I was brave, though; I didn't take the blindfold or the cigarette. I wanted a generic 24" monitor. This was the mistake that would be my previous mistake plus one (I think we're up to four now).  There were certainly a lot of monitors. They were certainly hooked up to a lot of computers. Few were for sale, just the ones that had prices that dwarfed the price we paid for our last few cars. The formula seems to be that a 24" monitor costs $150, but call it a 24" Gaming monitor and you can charge $599 for it.

I had no choice but to flag down a Helpful Sales Consultant.
Unfortunately they were all out of Helpful Sales Consultants. There weren't even any Generally Pissed Off or Grumpy Sales Consultants. I stood there, counting down until it was time to use the phrase, "IF I WAVE MONEY, WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME?" It was then that I discovered the secret to good service: be a woman. An attractive one. I noticed that the Helpful Sales Consultants, all male, were 'taking care of' attractive females, who had trouble telling left from right. Fortunately for them, they have two breasts, or all hell would break loose. Due to my inability to be a woman, good or bad looking, my temperature started going up. I thought of all sorts of interesting ways to either attract a Helpful Sales Consultant or put on a show so good, they'd talk about it for years (and I'd be banned from every Best Buy on the east coast).

Funny, there sure were lots of employees on and about the phones. Some were talking to the People Known as Customers, but most were doing what they do best: standing around, getting paid, and laughing with other employees about the sad state of the stock market these days and the poor suckers trying to get their attention.  Five of them were holding hands in a circle, dancing around a cash register, performing some sort of ritual, designed perhaps to attract more customers (that they wouldn't acknowledge). Another two were having oral under a counter. Or they might've been eating dinner... same thing.

FINALLY I located a Helpful Sales Consultant who looked like he knew what he was doing (he was over 17). He was with someone else, but promised to send another Helpful Sales Consultant over for me. Of course he lied, but everybody felt better for those five seconds. While waiting for this alleged help, two more employees came by, with two more attractive women. What I wouldn't do for a vagina at that point (I always say that). FINALLY someone else came over, strictly by accident. Had he heard someone needed help, he'd be over playing with the Barbies. Still.

I told him what I wanted and he looked at me like I was a blithering idiot and what specific specs did the items have? Oh, a monitor? All we have is over on that shelf - take a look and see if it's what you want.  Now I don't want the guy to hold my hand (or anything else) but you think there would be some effort there. 'Over there' turned out to be shelves with 8 monitors, including exactly no 24" monitors. Makes perfect sense, right? Helpful Sales Consultant indicated that was about it. I helpfully asked what about the ten 24" monitors I saw online and pulled one up. He asked why not have it delivered to my house. No problem - can you guarantee I'll get it tomorrow? He looked and pronounced it would be ready to ship in exactly two weeks, which, as you know, is a lot longer than tomorrow. He further let me know if I wanted a monitor tonight, I'd have to get one from the shelf or I'd be S.O.L. (Sarah's Other Licker or Shit Out of luck, depending). Anything he ordered would take 2 weeks.

Oh.

Why did the website tell me to pick the monitor up at my local store?

Because you can pick it up at the store after your order it.

What kind of Joe Biden operation are they running? You can have whatever you want, at whatever price you want, provided you wait a few weeks. If I wanted a monitor, I could have gone to a number of places, but I stupidly went to the one with all the inventory listed on their page. It's like the blindfolded throwing darts in the dark, or Kevin Spacey with a hot chick.

Mind you, I got everything else without ordering it (or being accosted by different Helpful Sales Consultants). I couldn't decide whether I was Superman or Arthur, The Moth.



BUT WAIT... it gets better:

Once home, I unpacked my booty (boy was my wife surprised). After playing Hot Potato with a micro SDQQQ card, I finally got it in the slot and my tablet recognized it. This is what the religious community refers to as a Minor Miracle. Don't tell anybody, but I think I saw Pontius inside the tablet. Since it was a much bigger card than the stock memory, I moved all my hamster pr0n over to it, with plenty of space for more. Let's just say I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

Emboldened by Minor Miracles, I put together my 23" (NOT 24") monitor for which I overpaid. It's the first monitor I ever saw with a power block, as opposed to plugging in the regular old power cord. The joy of working with something new overcame me and, within twenty minutes of walking in my own door, I lost the power brick. HOW DO YOU LOSE A POWER SUPPLY in a tiny room with a 5' radius in which to work? How did those 3 humongous bags of Peanut Butter M&Ms disappear? I dunno.

I get a gold star for not crying, especially after watching my dog having trouble getting around. Dejected, I went to bed, planning to ask my lovely wife to help me look the next day. Of course she failed too.  As soon as it disappeared, it came back, like Rosie O'Donnell to the buffet. Of course you know by now that I forgot what the adapter looked like and it was right in front of me the whole time. I'm thinking of getting a brain tuneup but Wife suggests I go with a new, upgraded unit. She says even an average one will be a step up.  If I had any brains, I'd be insulted.

Tales of Safe Places

I have no idea why, but I've been messing with my phone for a while. Techies like to tech. I have the phone humming along, with all sorts of neato apps (except the three that die as soon as they come up). Android allows you to move some of the apps to an additional memory card to save space on the internal memory, so I moved most of my apps to my trusty SD card.

As a Certified Geek, I cannot live with three apps not working, so I set about troubleshooting. Everything I tried failed to make the apps fire up, so I did what all geeks do: look it up online, via Duckduckgo.com. Technically I had to look up how to get the back off the phone first, as I have not had it off since I put the SD card in, over three years ago.

After performing the extremely difficult removing the back procedure, I figured the actual fix would be easy.

It wasn't.  [there's that foreshadowing thing again]

The first step to fixing just about anything is, in the words of the IT Crowd, "have your tried turning it off and turning it on again?"  Yes, three times before I came to the web page, thank you. Then it suggested to remove the memory card and see if the apps work, proving it is the card itself. Ok, kinda silly, but I'll go with it. Even a techie occasionally lets someone else drive.

I'm not the neatest person on the planet. In fact, I'm not anywhere near the neatest person on the planet. In a recent survey, there were about three billion people on the planet. I was ranked number 2.5 billion in the Most Not Neat group. As a result, I'm meticulous when I take something apart, so I can put it back together neatly and correctly. Funny how that works... the slobs can look neat and the people who lose everything put things in only certain places, so they appear neat. The only flaw is that if you interrupt them after they take things apart, they'll never remember the project existed and when they find it, three years later, will have no idea how to reassemble it or where the parts are.

I have one pile for the back and the 14 components in the Otterbox case. These cases will protect your phone from nuclear holocaust, although it won't work quite as well after, what with every cell tower and network on the planet being melted radioactive liquid. You can play solitaire, but I'd recommend against Words with Friends.

The second 'pile' consisted of the mini micro grain of rice SD card. I thought to myself that I better put it in a safe, non-magnetic place where I can see it and it won't be disturbed.

Obviously the SD card wasn't the problem, so, having exhausted all mechanical troubleshooting, it was time to reassemble the phone. This was a breeze, right up until I couldn't find the mini micro grain of rice SD card. Very funny, I thought... I put the card in a place so safe, it was safe from me finding it.

I asked Mrs lefty for a flashlight. It was a brief ten minutes later that she returned, with a half broken light that you had to pummel to make work. This is sad, but not a surprise. She collects flashlights ('torch' in the UK). She buys one whenever she sees one, just like her pen fetish. As a result, she cannot find any flashlights. When we can find pens, they inevitably won't write. In a recent survey, she was ranked number 2.899 billion in the Most Not Organized group.

I flashlighted in a ten foot radius from where I was sitting.
Nothing.
I did find the engine from my 1974 Chevy station wagon, plus random body parts and coffee stains from the previous occupant.

Sometimes I out-brilliant myself.

I asked Mrs lefty for a fourth pair of eyes. She was absolutely relentless in pursuit of the card. She look over things and under things. She made me take my shoes off, in case it had fallen into one. I listened because if anyone had an idea, it might help. However, I failed to see the significance of taking off my pants and the thorough strip search that followed. As a good and dutiful husband, I did what was necessary (happy wife, happy life).  Still no card, but she was impressed that I shaved her name into certain body hair.

Well, color (colour in the UK) me flummoxed. Then color me panicked... remember, I put all my apps partially on the card. I put the original files to the apps on the card. My music collection is there, as are my pictures; even the G-rated ones. The pit of the stomach dropping to my feet was the end result of this folly. I'm sure I have most, if not all of this backed up, but still.. hours of work. 75% of my apps on the desktops are grayed out. There is a smattering of still functioning programs, because their authors were too stupid to allow them to run on the SD card, bless them.

Suddenly I remembered.... I can text on it!
If there's a life or death crisis, I can even call someone with it.
Phew. (bloody bangers and mash in the UK)

Later today, I will discover it right in front of my nose. Literally.
I will look in the mirror, purely by accident, and find it attached to my nose.

I must go now, and chastise myself for being so stupid. At least until I can find somebody else to blame.

You Are What You Is

A sword-weilding attacker killed a teacher and a student at a Swedish school.  I think it's long past time that we sit down and draft some common-sense legislation to handle the proliferation and illegal use of swords.

• Only in Oklahoma? A drunken lady fell out of her pickup truck while driving. As if that were not enough, her three-year-old took the wheel and steered the truck across four lanes to safety, with his brother in the back.  Mom has been arrested for DUI and child endangerment, son cited for not using horn, brights and middle finger while driving.

There's apparently a Meat Thing happening now. Processed meat (ham, bacon) are about to be linked to cancer and red meat is on their tail. In related news, human DNA has been found in hot dogs, as well as meat DNA in vegetarian hot dogs.So get out there and eat your meat before it's carcinogenic. But maybe not.. it depends on reading the article and understanding that one percent does not mean cancer.

As if that weren't bad enough, now they're coming for our SUGAR!  Rest assured, they will not be able to pry the sugar from my cold, dead hands.

• Once again, Satanists come to the rescue. A Florida man has requested to give a satanic invocation at a County Commission meeting. The commission chairman has stated that this will not happen on his watch. Yes, only Christian invocations will be accepted in that commission. This flouts a Supreme Court ruling that they must make a reasonable effort to accommodate all community members, regardless of faith.  UPDATE: The county has denied the request. A civil rights group is representing the requester.
• The Supreme Court is wrong on this ruling. Yes, a (less than) humble blogger, with absolutely zero legal or Constitutional experience is stating that the highest legal authority in the land (no, not the president) is incorrect. The First Amendment protects speech and forbids establishment of religion. Establishment is when the State or a State facility pushes or leads a particular religion. This is why we don't have prayer in public schools: public schools are run by the State, therefore cannot establish (push or lead) religion. Private schools can do whatever they want - they are not an arm of the State. A county commission is purely governmental, therefore an opening prayer is clearly establishment. This is why the Court is wrong. Their solution, makiung an effort to accommodate all community members, is merely a band-aid over the issue.
• I have long stated that prayer in any state-run entity will cease immediately when a satanic prayer is requested. People would rather stop praying than recite a satanic prayer. Rest assured, this situation is not over, like the public schools in the south where they still read the bible in the morning.

Work has been steady in tasks as well as mood lately. In other words, it's been quiet. The other day I went to the rest facilities and heard a booming voice filling the room, like a drunk, uninvited guest, convinced of his own singing prowess. I figured maybe two stalls were communicating; a clear breach of  Bathroom Etiquette<tm>. But there was only one stall door closed - either the dude was talking to the Voices or had a cell phone with him (hopefully the latter). Just in case the person on the other end of the line didn't know where the dude was talking from, I flushed the toilet first, right before he told the other party that he'd have get back to them. Because that's the kind of guy I am.

• Best headline of the week: "Hillary Clinton showed us a glimpse of her soul at Benghazi hearings. It was chilling." 
• Ok, maybe there's a better one:  "Suicidal people are locked into coffins in bizarre 'death experience' schools in South Korea where 40 people kill themselves every day." Because distraught, depressed, possibly claustrophobic people are going to learn something by being locked in a coffin. They're going to learn that they don't like being locked in a coffin. If there are no weapons in the coffin, they're going to get out, then kill themselves.

Who says science isn't valuable?  "Monkeys with smaller testicles roar loudest." Remember this when you're passed by an impatient driver in a large, expensive car.

• Indonesia has enacted a law punishing homosexuality with caning. "I'm just here for the caning."

Local rabble in Papua New Guinea are massing and burning women accused of being witches. Perhaps they can get jobs on Florida County Commissions.

• It was bad enough when clothing manufacturers introduced 'vanity sizing', where a size 32 waist might be up to a 38 in reality. Go shopping for jeans - I dare you.  Amazon has Levis in slim fit, original fit, regular fit, relaxed fit, straight, relaxed straight, slim straight, loose straight-leg, athletic straight-fit, slim bootcut, regular tapered, original shrink to fit, skinny, comfort fit, slim fit line 8, slim fit hybrid, straight motion stretch and straight welder. This is just the men's jeans!

Ben Carson is a 7th Day Adventist minister, which frightens me. Remember that freedom of religion is freedom from religion. I'm not saying he will do anything odd, but the possibility is there. He mentions God a lot and refers to his tax plan as tithing.

• Chris Christie (R-Hell) was asked to leave an Amtrak Quiet Car because he was bellowing into a cell phone, oblivious to other passengers.  See - if they let him take the helicopter, this wouldn't be a problem.

REVENGE OF THE CARS:  DOVER, Del.- "Dover police say a suspected drunk driver is facing multiple charges after the car he was driving struck and injured seven people...", "The car hit seven people..", "allowing for the car to continue until hit hit another tree. Investigators said Ligon was found to be under the influence of alcohol..."  Are these two separate incidents? I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty that the car did not strike people, did not injure people and did not hit a tree. The drunken scumbag behind the wheel did it. The car, contrary to the reporter's claim, has no free will, therefore cannot make these decisions. The police will tell you that the driver must be in control of his vehicle at all times. How about a drunk driver plowed into a crowd and injured seven people?

• Further proof that we're all aging rapidly: David Bowie will release a new album on 1/8/2016, his 69th birthday.  Hmmm.. David Bowie.... 69....

Speaking of polecats, a study showed that women only make up seven percent of directors out of 250 films. And heterosexuals only make up ten percent [I made that up] - so what? I didn't realize that there was a gender check at the box office.

• Flying Spaghetti Monster News: If you want to show your faith with a pirate hat or a colander on your drivers license, the UK will now allow it. I'm still shopping for a colander with the appropriate gravitas for my license. What this actually means is that there will soon be a lawsuit in PA over religious freedom.

Check out Duracell's new Quantum batteries - they last a long time. Warning: they don't power your device when you're not observing them.

• Millenials are not pursuing cybersecurity careers, especially women.  Yeah, who wants to take a selfie in front of the same servers every day?

People are getting fed up with the gender stereotyping in halloween costumes. Now little girls are donning Iron Man and Spider Man costumes. Accordingly, some of the retail outlets are not using GIRLS and BOYS signs. Presumably, boys are now free to wear princess costumes. Coincidentally, they are also free to return home black and blue, from the beating delivered by their friends (and random strangers).  I think they should go big and wear a Caitlyn Jenner costume - arguably the best of both worlds.

• Defense Secretary Ash Carter says that the US is to begin 'direct action on the ground' in Syria and Iraq. NO BOOTS ON THE GROUND, OBAMA. Are you pathologically incapable of telling the truth? Oh, and that soldier who died? Turns out his boots were on the ground too, Carter. All of you need to take your dishonor out of DC and go make millions in the private sector.. start now, please.

TECH

This is a great article on a great website - "5 mistakes to avoid when buying your next MicroSD card". Did you know there are a number of different SD cards and all aren't created equal? 

MUSICAL EXPLOITS AND CAUSTIC COMMENTARY


I (believe I) have previously ranted about the drivel coming out of radio speakers, specifically whatever Bruno Mars song features the extremely pithy utterance "Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh....ooh!" after every line. Today some loud alleged food truck decided to entertain everyone within a two block radius with some external speakers. I was treated to an old song I vaguely remember, featuring the almost-as-pithy chorus, "Bad girl, bad girl, you're such a naughty bad girl, BEEP BEEP, TOOT TOOT." It is beyond my musical analytical capabilities to properly dissect these wonders of musical magnificence other than to say the alleged singers should be dissected, which would no doubt produce a more musically-pleasing output.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How about that Neal Schon? No?  He's the guitar player from Journey.

A song that actually made it to MTV is No More Lies, with Jan Hammer. Neal sings and the song is guitar-based. You'll see Jan Hammer playing a keyboard attached to him with a guitar strap. He's an Austrian dude who is a killer keyboardist and even plays drums (I believe he played them on this song). He is an amazing keyboardist but not entirely a pounder on the drums. His playing is more accents, like one might expect from a keyboardist who wrote the song. Another less accentive keyboardist/drummer is Stevie Wonder (no, really, he played drums on some of his biggest hits).

Neal did two albums with the Jan Hammer (Miami Vice, Mahavishnu Orchestra, solo, Jeff Beck), the first of which is called Untold Passion. This is an aptly-named song and an old favorite. It's a perfect example of dynamics, where it starts out with a sparse theme and builds over time to a blazing lead section and finale. Neal and Jan play their asses off. This is incredibly listening for me - passion and execution.

I'm not going to bother with Journey songs because we all know them. He did some incindiery guitar work there. Neal also joined Santana when he was nineteen. THAT is a pedigree.

A man of many moods, Neal has recorded a number of mostly instrumental songs, including I'll Be Waiting. I'm not crazy about his most recent release, as it seems to consist of lighter rock tunes performed instrumentally. Sure, his playing is lyrical, but I don't need to hear some of those songs (My Heart Goes On?) ever again. Completely irrelevant is the fact that the last time I saw him, he had gotten some sort of plastic surgery. It just seemed weird. I'm ugly and I don't cover the gray (although I lament it) and couldn't afford surgery if I wanted it. Fortunately my wife is so impaired, she thinks I'm good-looking.

Here's a little solo during a Journey tour.

demotivators.com

Battery Saving Tips for Android

Hypermiling is driving your vehicle a certain way to maximize fuel efficiency.  Since we have no official term for what we want to do, let's call it hyperandroiding, at least until someone seriously objects to it.  What we want to do is maximize the time between charging the beasties.

I'm going to list a bunch of tips to extend battery life - choose what you like best.  People who like blinky lights and iDevices are not going to like these ideas for the most part.

I own an HTC Sensation and a Samsung Galaxy 10 tablet.  Your mileage may vary but this is applicable to most Android devices.  RUN A BACKUP BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE!


Wallpaper: no live wallpaper.  No wallpaper at all is better.  There are a few apps in the market called No Wallpaper, which set the background to black.  This uses much less juice.

WiFi: kill it.  On my device, this is the biggest battery-sucker.

Bluetooth:  shut it down by default.  If you need it, start it with a widget or shortcut.

GPS: Need you ask?  Kill it.

Location Services:  There is no good reason for this to be enabled.  You are asked when setting up the phone if you'd like to use it and should have said NO then.  This is merely a tracking device.

Launcher:  Your phone came with whatever launcher your carrier included.  These tend to suck up power like mad.  The most efficient launcher I have used is Zeam.  It just works - nothing fancy.  The more blinky lights, transitions, and live wallpaper you add, the less battery life you'll have.  That is all.

Social Apps:  Since there are no anti-social apps, I have nothing running.  Every social app you have probably runs in the background, sucking up valuable juice.

Email:  The magic phrase here is MANUAL email.  Most phones are set up for push email, which the phone winds up doing all day, every day.  Do you really need the latest piece of spam available the moment it hits your inbox?  Set email to manual so when you open the email app, it goes out to retrieve the mail.  This has the added benefit of not bothering you every fifteen seconds.

Instant Messaging:  do you think this doesn't use any battery?






How can Android help me?  Your carrier may have included some features to minimize battery use.  Android Assistant has these.   You can allow the phone to control screen brightness, keep brightness low, keep ringers and music low.  Android Assistant also has a startup app killer, which will shut down certain programs and services, should they start up with the phone.

There are a few apps devoted to this.  My favorite is Timeriffic.  I set my phone to shut down while I sleep and activate when I get up, saving lots of battery time.



The latest version of Android, Ice Cream Sandwich, has a very interesting and valuable feature.  It allows you to shut down and disable the majority of apps.  Since carriers bundle all kinds of garbage with phones and won't let you uninstall (without rooting), this is the next best thing.  Go to APPLICATIONS and click on one of the buggers you don't want running (my first stop was Faceyspaces).  CLEAR it, STOP it, then DISABLE it.  Poof - it won't start again.

WARNING:  Android has given you the weapons and ammunition to shoot yourself repeatedly in the foot, if not elsewhere.  You can essentially brick your phone or otherwise render it unusable.  How do I know this?  I disabled the wrong function and couldn't use the phone without a factory reset.  This brings up another very important topic: backups.  You should do them.

Backups can be accomplished automatically and for free.  There's a very good program called My Backup (available free and paid) that will do routine backups by itself.  Another efficient solution is one of my favorite programs: Android Assistant.  This program has a whole bunch of useful apps contained inside, one of which will allow you to back up individual or multiple apps.  It also allows you to transfer apps to your SD card.  This saves space and allows you access to your data even after a factory reset.  How do you think I got my phone back up to new after my reset?  RUN A BACKUP BEFORE DOING ANYTHING ELSE!