The Meetings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

Dear Coworkers:
After a brief survey of my calendar, it has come to my attention that we, as a group, have two days of the week without meetings. This is not in keeping with the mission of Sid's Widgets, a company founded on the principle of producing absolutely nothing useful through doing absolutely nothing useful.

Our first step on the Road to Nothing is to identify the hard workers and producers. These are the heart of any great organization. Unfortunately we're not a great organization, so we must identify these corporate successes and wear them down to nothing. When we find someone blazing a trail, we assume they're actually accomplishing something, so we do the only thing we can: we put them in meetings. Meetings, especially repeating meetings, can suck the soul out of anything with a heartbeat, which is why we have so many of them.

Let's take the case of Bob. Bob Phlegma was a real up and comer in Accounting. Bob realized if we amortize the deductibles and treble the bottom end, we could save millions and get the job done in half the time. This is the sort of genius with which we're occasionally plagued. Rather than firing Mr. Phlegma and exposing the corporation to a series of lawsuits for discriminating against older balding white males, we put Bob in meetings. Nothing slows down any attempt at progress like meetings. Especially Accounting meetings. You've no doubt met accountants. They're about as exciting as watching blood paint dry, on their best days. Put together an entire room of them, plus veteran meeters who know how to run, prolong, and schedule new meetings, and you have an affair where staff has been known to occasionally die at work. We keep a mortician on staff for just these times. The interesting thing is that the mortician said he can't drain any bodily fluids because the meetings have already sucked the life out of his ex-coworkers. Thus the mortician also produces nothing, in line with company values and goals.

The meeting always starts out with a rehash of the last meeting, which rehashed the previous meeting. If that doesn't take up the entire meeting and fuel the identical animosities, we allow someone to carefully propose a new topic, such as pens. Embossed pens. Exactly how many pens is left for later meetings, should the process get that far.

For the seriously out-there employee, the one who thrives on meetings, making at least the mandatory eight of them per day and still getting actual work done, there is nothing left but the saddest method: no, not firing - promotion!  We call this "Firing UP" because as soon as you promote someone, they get less done because of increased responsibilities (mostly meetings) and because managers never get anything done anyway, aside from annoying their managees. This way there will be the required 8 meetings per day, PLUS team meetings, strategy meetings, lunch meetings, and Congrats Meetings (at Tillie's Topless Tiphouse and Chinese Laundry). With a manager who couldn't get anything done even if they were in the mood to, the staff can get back to doing whatever they were doing before Manglement, only less.

So, dear coworkers, this explains my shock at finding our calendar short of meetings. If I get any further ahead, I risk promotion.

• Fascinating: someone is restoring the Apollo Guidance Computer. It works, except for the memory that doesn't. It was put together with integrated circuits, some with Write Once capability, like some recordable CDs. 52 years later... remember this when you throw your old, slow computer away. Your phone is magnitudes of order ahead of this computer. Your phone's memory is a physical tiny speck and has an incredible amount of storage, compared to the core memory in the computer. The computer couldn't even access the internet....

States have had mottos as long as they've had license plates (1863). Governors of all 43 states (and New Jersey) got together and decided to update their license plates. Aside from changing the colors, they are soliciting new slogans, perfectly setting up this next item - NEW STATE MOTTOS

PA: Hell with Humidity

PA: Park Here - $50

CA: Come for the Weather, Stay for the Weirdos

CA: Everything East of the San Andreas Fault Will Fall Into the Atlantic

NJ: My Balls Itch

NJ: New York Without the Positive Attitude

MI: One Step from Canada, Eh?

KY: Home of DUI Lawn Tractor Races

VA: We're Not DC - We're a Separate State

MD: We've Got Crabs

MA: Pock Yuh Cah Heeya

FL: Dinner's At Four

FL: We're Just Renting from Disney

FL: We Have Your Parents

FL: Habla Ingles?

AR: We're Sure There's Something Good Here

SC: We Have Tobacco

NC: Just North of South Carolina

DC: Screw You

DC: Not Really A State

NY: You Can't Park Here

NY: Keeping You Safe from Soda

DE: Still Bigger Than Rhode Island

RI: Small but Impotent

NV: Gambling AND Hookers!

AZ: Satan Vacations Here

MT: Cold and Flat, Like Mom

MS: It's Easier to Spell Mesothelioma

SD: Because North Dakota Was Taken

MO: We Have A Kansas City Too

KS: Fuck Toto

OH: Make a Left at PA

MN: The US North Pole

TX: Not Everything's Bigger Here

TX: Open Carry - Think Before You Insult

AK: Sorry About Canada

UT: Take Home a Few Mormons

UT: Sidewalks Close at 5

ID: You Da Ho

PR: Send More Money




Firefox version 62 and up, will soon let you know if a website has been breached. They will check via the online service 'Have I Been Pwned (HIBP)' and will deliver the results in your address bar, via an icon. When you click, you'll get the full information. This is a good thing, provided HIBP is not purchased by Google, Faceyspaces, or other information gatherers.

• I just read an article on mental health and cybersecurity.  heh heh heh....

In case you were wondering where your tax dollars are going, both the DEA and ICE are putting hidden cameras in streetlights. The better to spy on you, my sweet!

• Dear lefty:  Mr Shlomo Ick asks why flies make honey.
• Yes.

It's always great to be in the news, but it's never good. Ten years after passage of the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act, mandating coverage for behavioral health, Pennsylvania is dead last. How did the rest fare? 43 states received either a "D" or an "F".

When the state made seatbelts mandatory, there were fines for ignoring the law. Guess what will happen to health insurers. No, guess.

P.S. Like all laws, this is misnamed. It does not grant parity: it mandates coverage. There is no maximum coverage for broken limbs, but there is for behavioral health.

• I come to you today on a matter of great urgency.

Japan Airlines pilots failed breathalyzer tests 19 times.

Ok, it's funny on the surface, sorta, but this is horrible. Plane trips are among the safest modes of transportation. Every problem presented an opportunity to make it safer and the airlines/manufacturers have done a great job. In IT, the weakest link is the people: this is not something we need in the air.

Speaking of air disasters, a man sued British Airways for sitting him next to a fat passenger. In response, the fat passenger sued the man for not referring to him as a Person of Size plus Egregious Hurting of Feelings.  The airline will fight this tooth and nail, using every legal resource available to them, because if this guy (5'3") wins, everyone forced into any of their seats can sue.

• Police: "Stop trying to kill yourself with that knife or we'll shoot you"

Whenever you see a car creating a drive-through in a convenience store, the first thing to say to yourself is "That's an old person, who confused the brake with the accelerator." Because it always is.

• More suicides are caused by the Better Homes & Gardens Cookbook than financial disasters.

Like everything else, this topic will show up late. It's International Men's Day.
Men (and women) - take this day to stop suffering in silence. Get yourself some help for any mental/emotional issues. The most important thing for you to understand is that you don't have to feel this way. The stigma around mental health is slowly going away. You might be surprised to discover that people are right up front about their issues and diagnosis. They're getting help - why shouldn't you? If you're confused, leave me a comment (which will not be published) and maybe I can point you in a helpful direction.

• You don't see a lot of girls (or boys) named Penelope lately.

As we all know, Faceyspaces is a large, moving target, especially for this blog. Today it's Instagram (oddly enough, owned by Faceyspaces). Instagram warned people who used the download your data tool that their password was visible in plain old unencrypted English. Of course they "take the privacy of their customers seriously," etc etc. I'd be really tired of hearing this, if I were a user of these systems. 

• Because you read ThermionicEmissions, we know you're already brilliant. If you want to take a shot at getting brilliant-er, you can take this Harvard Introduction to computer science course, free, online. This course is very popular, attracting 700 students per class, and is very well known outside Harvard. After the class, you'll not only have valuable knowledge, you will be able to speak with a Harvard accent and tell people you went to Harvard. Not bad for a little effort on your part.

As we get to know our new dog, Penny, we find out all sorts of things. Since she was a stray, we have no history or information. I can say confidently that she was some sort of hunting dog. As we go outside, she drags me down the steps because there's a goddamn bird flying over her yard. The unmitigated audacity of this bird. This is unfortunate because the neighbor's yard is something of a bird hotel and sanctuary.  The dog, who had to go outside rather than pee inside, froze, raised a paw, and monitored the rest of the birds. After I reminded her we were outside, she took care of business. Then it's time to patrol the yard. She vigorously patrols her yard, looking for whatever dogs look for, like the Vatican patrols pews for new altar boys. Yes, the Vatican is in trouble for yet another scandal involving coverups of child molestation. Did you like that segue?

Speaking of segues, I saw that the dog was shredding candy wrappers. This is not surprising, nor alarming. I figured if she couldn't have candy, she could shred the wrappers. Today she brought me an M&M wrapper, which was cute. Unfortunately when I took it, it was full of M&Ms. Yes, she somehow figured out how to provide herself with candy. Chocolate candy, which is fatal to dogs, but only in the right quantity. We had a bit of a chat and it won't happen again (until she figures out how to get it at on top of the fridge).

Some more loveliness from the SJW crowd. This particular warrior wants straight white males to delete their twitter accounts, to make it a safe space for.. ummm.... people who aren't straight white males, I guess.

How is this different from Famous Bigot TV Character, Archie Bunker, wanting Eyetalians and Eyerish out of his neighborhood? Or 'the blacks'? These people have become a parody of themselves.

Let's send her a present:

Tech 21 - Guitar Content Only

GUITAR STUFF - read at your own peril


Tech21 is the manufacturer of the famous SansAmp no-amp rigs that plug right into an amp or console. The current series is the Fly Rig, available in basic or different artist flavors. Without even touching the tones, the concept is tremendous. An amplifier/effects rig in a small (12" ?) pedal. A lot of my fellow guitar players keep one of these in their bag in case their amp lets out the Magic Smoke and stops working [Magic Smoke makes all electronics run. If you let the Magic Smoke out, the device won't run anymore]. Some people use these as fly rigs (stop it), where they go to small or hastily put together shows without their amp - they just fly out with one of these boxes. Amp moving costs a lot of money too, especially overseas.

Richie Kotzen has a signature model, which he uses in his everyday rig, into an onstage clean amp. You can't get more authentic than that. He spent a lot of time developing it with Tech21, to their credit.

Tech21 has a page of videos on YouTube, as is mandatory these days. It's great because anyone can hear what they sound like before auditioning one for themselves or ordering one. They're reasonably priced too. And here is where I have a few issues (other issues, thank you). I want to reiterate that these are great pedals and incredibly useful. You're getting my opinion only here.

In the Pete Thorn video, he does a good job demoing the pedal. I'm with him right up until he starts saying it's a great sounding pedal. Pete is a phenomenal guitar player, with a ton of unbelievably good sounding vintage and custom amps. I don't see this kind of comparison as valid. It's not that I don't think the pedal sounds good or works well in a track... it's just the comparison.

In some of the videos, additional pedals are used. I didn't watch the videos to hear how the device sounds with other pedals; I want to hear it by itself. Show me what it can do. Putting a DS-1 in line to sound like Joe Satriani is like putting a Fuzz Face in line to sound like Jimi. Want to impress potential customers? Create the sound with the Fly Rig itself. No, you won't nail Van Halen's Unchained without the external flanger, but that's completely forgivable.

Now that I've given my personal opinion, let me give my personal opinion (on the viability of a Fly Rig in my rig) (sorry). I'm not what you'd call a working musician, as most musicians aren't. However I'm a pretty well-equipped non-working musician. Instead of buying Nice Stuff all my life, everything went into gear. My amps run from a real tweed Champ to a 74 Marshall half stack. I have some concept of tone, and it tends to line up nicely with general consensus.

Quite frankly, the boxes don't sound like or as good as amps. Nothing's wrong here, as one cannot reasonably expect a pedal to sound like a Fender tweed Deluxe or tan Bassman. I'm not all that crazy about the sound. However, I agree with many who carry it in their spares case. I also think it's very valuable for recording, in that the tones will sit nicely in the track, as well as not needing to crank up the Plexi at 2am. Further, I would rather hear the amp behind me, blowing sound at me onstage, not through monitors.

Suggestion: you did a great job on packaging the pedals. They're ideal because they're very small, and that's my issue.. I was not born with balance, grace, or the ability to see well on a dark stage. I'd make the pedal wider, so Stage Ballet isn't necessary. As for width, 12" isn't enough (STOP IT!). I'd give it another 6" or so, to comfortably get my huge, flat feet to hit the correct switch. My feet are so flat (HOW FLAT ARE THEY?) they're so flat that NIST uses them as a standard.

***********************************

The Character Series pedals are designed to sound like a specific amp, available in Blonde (60s Fender blonde amps), British (Marshall), and Liverpool (Vox AC30/15), among others. I'll save us a lot of extra reading and say my opinion of these is the same as the Fly Rig: they don't really sound like their name, but they get you in the ballpark and are great as a utility, spare, or recording pedal.

**********************************

The future will bring us pedals that sound really close to the original tone. This is happening in software these days, at least in terms of improvements. Software is somewhat (incredibly) difficult to use in a live setting, so it lives in the studio for now. Well.... not entirely... these Tech 21 products are analog (discrete parts, like they used from the first ever pedal). Digital pedals use software to manipulate the bits and bobs to achieve the desired effect (sorry again).

A big problem in any emulator is emulating vacuum tubes (valves in the UK). It's not easy, but if ads are any indication, tubes are important, Most emulators, pedals, and amps use the phrase "Sounds just like tubes". Another bump is emulating 'sag', which is the positive effect of tubes squashing their power supply. One of the best tones ever comes from tubes operating close to their maximum specs.  So TURN IT UP! has a sound basis in electronics, as well as tone.

If you can't get, can't afford, can't tell the difference, or don't want to schlep large, heavy tube amps, buy pedals. This is probably one of the weirdest non-reviews Tech 21 has ever come across.



As one would expect, cheaper clones, made (way) offshore, are available in many flavors, and have their own YouTube videos.





** go ahead - accuse me of being a dinosaur. If using close to the original amplifiers the pedals attempt to emulate is being a dinosaur... if being very picky about tone is being a dinosaur... if Jeff Beck, Jimi Page, and Frank Zappa are still using/used the originals.... I'm a dinosaur. When El Becko and Page hit the stage without their Marshall tube backline and sound seriously good, it will be time for me to give a serious listen to what they're using. When Frank Zappa hits the stage without his impossibly complex tube rig, I will seriously start to question reality. After the show, of course.

Male Pattern Baldness - the Band

I always wanted to call my band Male Pattern Baldness. For some reason, everyone else in the band refused. It wasn't so much a refusal as the physical reaction guys get when you mention getting kicked in the nuts. I had other names too... those merely got ignored.

• Today was a sign. An omen. The sun was out. As surprising as that was, it was forecast to be out. Something's up. Watch the skies.

Technology Time

Think about the march of technology. The things written in science fiction that are ordinary today. A wireless cell phone that replaces tons of physical utilities. This has created a mountain of useless things that kids born within the last 20 years have never seen, like:


a telephone booth, 45rpm adapter, library, a heavy mechanical phone doubling as a weapon, records, 8 track and cassette tapes, CDs, movies in grubby theaters or from a tape at home for $99, movie rentals, over the air tv with channel numbers, dialup internet, modems, leaded gas, land yacht cars, tuneups with spark plugs and wires, radios operated by a knob attached to a string, round clocks with hands, bigass computers with DOS, Windows 95/98/XP, printer ribbons, parallel cables, floppy discs, 286/386/486 computer chips, round  DIN computer plugs for accessories, adding port and other cards to computers, clean air, the US military in only a few countries, wireless phones, phone lines, busy signals, phones without Caller ID, large speakerphones that clipped off parts of words, answering machines, avocado green/harvest gold, huge wooden console stereos and tvs, black and white tvs with 6" screens, clothesline, washboard, wringer clothes washer, percolator coffeemaker, Lincoln Logs, board games, typewriters, paper notebook, newspapers, heating leftovers on the stove, wired or clicky remote controls, bra stores not carrying lingerie, computers plugged in to routers, written letters with postage stamps, pencils, sex without taking video, 16 year old virgins, verbal only gossip, walking anywhere, sitting quietly, having friends over and talking, smoking on airplanes, only charging things at home, C and D batteries, Radio Shack, only one type of condoms (that you shamefully asked for), cold medicine on open shelves, expensive heroin, soda in gallons, large tires with small wheels, floor-switched high beams, revving the engine to keep the car from stalling, stalling after running over a puddle, bench car seats, station wagons, metal in cars, starting your car with keys, protests against war, square computer monitors, $15 commercial-free cable, ice cube trays, porn magazines, door to door salesmen (non-religious), telling someone off without using the f- word, turn signals, generous employer paid pensions, no copays for anything, bicycles (without helmets), humongous analog reel to reel recording machines, community bulletin boards with 3x5 cards and push pins, Pong, hooking up vcrs and game boxes to the tv, tv antennas, amateur radio/CB, paying cash only for a doctor visit, milk trucks, malls with all kinds of stores and no food court, head shops, malts, drive in movies, handwriting, record stores, guitar solos, music without dancers, full albums played on the radio, radio stations doing whatever they wanted, giggling at gays and transsexuals, humor, walking up steps to get in a plane, liquids/pocketknives/scissors/guns and showing up right before the plane takes off, made in America, jobs for life, college degrees worth more than toilet paper, farms, tollbooth you throw change at, telethons, tv free of feminine products/pharmaceuticals/bladder leakage underwear that's actually pretty, dick jokes that didn't say dick, courtesy, really really stupid phones and tvs, bag and Beam Me Up Scotty phones, pay by minute long distance and cell, fixing electrical things yourself, Tab diet soda, whole milk, paying with cash, police showing up after you call, 2 prong outlets and plastic adapters with a little wire hanging out, Elmer's glue and paste, crayons, never hearing the word 'cunnilingus', waiting for the tv to warm up, unfinished basements, standalone stereos, mono records, head cleaning kits, record brush and fluid, record crates, posters, concert tickets, crystal scanners that could hear phones, soldering irons, neighborhood stores, guitar stores, weather that makes sense, baking cake from scratch, stereos over 1 watt, excitement of hearing the first time anyone said 'ass' on tv, beholding Sipowicz's ass, those little angular car windows in front of the main window, manual windows and door locks, real spare tires, AM/FM radios only, sneaking into Dad's special drawer, 8 or 16mm projectors, waking early on Saturday to watch cartoons, phones without hash or asterisk keys, the joy of sex (the book), record sleeves and foldouts with information, the brown acid, cleaning your pot on record jackets, products designed to last for more than a few months,



It's National Scrapple Day.
Scrapple is a Philly 'delicacy' which is essentially a meatlike substance made from (drum roll, please) scraps. Ponder that for a minute.

I try not to hate stuff before I try it, but the smell of whatever it is cooking is enough to keep mosquitos off your arm in the summer. Wife loves it. This is convenient because she'll never have to worry about me eating hers. In fact, it can sit in the fridge for six years, untouched, with all sorts of new and interesting growths, some speaking languages we've never heard before. I'm kidding - it can sit there for years, undisturbed: you can't distinguish ''fresh' scrapple from six year old scrapple. Philly is better known for soft pretzels and cheesesteaks... you're much safer with either.

• The FBI issued an alert in September due to the increase of attacks via Remote Desktop Protocol.
• This should never happen in a professional environment because you don't leave the Remote Desktop Protocol port open. It's like leaving your back door unlocked: burglars have to look for it, but they can walk right in. It's ok inside your network but not toward the internet.
• Home users are dependent entirely on their cable modems and routers. If they're not set to block by default (they should be), it's up to the user to get in there and close (everything). Anybody recommending this port be used to get to your computer from the internet should be shot, then sent to rudimentary computer school. If you need to remotely operate another computer in your house, it's relatively safe, assuming it's blocked at the router.

Between A.D.D., blurry vision, drugs, and a hyperactive dog, we can never find anything. The running joke is 'staple it to your forehead' so you know where it is and will be reminded. This fails because even the best of us run out of forehead space. This causes a clutter problem, and we're right back where we started.

• In my house, there's a place for everything. Unfortunately it changes daily.

Hack the Air Force 3.0 is happening soon, wherein 191 countries are invited to hack. Among those countries aren't China, Russia, Iran, or North Korea.  Sure, keep out the guys who have proven they can do it.  When this contest is over, the AF will pay bug bounties. They will also spend 8 months cleaning up the damage from unforeseen hacks:

• latrine doors won't open
• planes will confuse Up with Down
• refrigerators will report directly to China
• flushing a toilet issues the command to bomb North Korea
• Mr and Mrs Bob Winglehocker, of Bumfukt, Arkansas, will be awakened by surprise, after the AF computer orders a 1,001 person AF banjo cookoff and crossdressing cabaret held at their house.

Speaking of crossdressers, we're post midterm elections and nothing has burned. Yet.

• Dear lefty: Phil Poos asks if there are Portuguese Jews.
• Yes.

Somebody, who shall remain nameless, spilled sugar on the carpet. Someone else, who shall also remain nameless, was asked to vacuum it up. This particular someone forgot. No problem, as Vacuum 2 was activated: the dog found it and cleaned it up beautifully. The only issue was that when she was done, her snout looked like she was a coke addict. No one got a picture and the dog got no more hyper or otherwise dangerous. We just have to be very careful around her with cookies.

• There are a ton of operating system and app updates available. Please install them immediately: Windows is full of holes and so is anything from Adobe.
• RELATED: a MS update breaks Calendar and Mail on Windows 10 phones. THERE ARE WINDOWS 10 PHONES? It's the end times.

Since the new way of eating, I've cut way down on my chocolate intake. I've gone from 24/7 to once a day. Not at all coincidentally, I've felt like Advanced Death since around the time I started. Always supportive, my wife bought one of those absolutely humongous bags of mixed candy. This will truly test my will. I will lose spectacularly.

• I am just like everyone else: I put my pants on three legs at a time.

Much to no one's surprise, Penny is the second dog who would rather nap with his mom than hang out with his dad. Last night his mom heated pizza and put it on the arm of the sofa. Penny promptly pulled a piece onto the floor and started to eat it. This displeased dad loudly.  I am certain that she will not do that again. At least until the next time there's pizza on the couch.

• Dear lefty: reader Phyllis Moostache asks if dogs have buttocks.
• Yes.

My coworkers would be disappointed if they didn't hear me say 'I hate Microsoft' at least once a day. They are rarely disappointed. If you're burdened with Office 2016, you know that every meeting invitation automatically gets added to your calendar. Since my company runs on meetings, I have a calendar full of useless meetings (yes, all meetings are useless). I asked Microsoft Help, which isn't. An internet search indicated that it was designed this way on purpose.  One can 'filter' it, which still adds the meeting, but makes it a lighter shade.  I hate Microsoft. MAKE IT OPTIONAL, children of HERR GATES. 

Or, as Ben Stern used to say to little Howard, "I told you not to be stupid, you moron."

• If you missed it, there was a 'small glitch' in the internet, causing Google traffic to be routed through Russia, China, and Nigeria. I'm not the only one amused by this, but it was attributed to a 'misconfiguration' by a Nigerian internet provider.  Sure... blame the black guys.
• Does it bother anybody else that a single internet provider in China Nigeria can hijack traffic through a misconfiguration? Let's do Faceyspaces traffic next! But seriously, folks... this is the way it was designed, back when the most hostile people on the net were college students.

While having a blast at Faceyspaces' expense, their employees are surveyed twice a year about their sentiment and happiness. Last month showed 52% were optimistic about Faceyspaces' future, down a hair (32%) from 84% the prior year.  Unrelated: according to the Wall Street Journal, the leading Barbie Doll enthusiast magazine, the stock price was headed in this direction too.

Is this supposed to be a funny story? I'm laughing hysterically.

• a US panel warned against government purchase of Chinese technology. Gee, really?  How long has ThermionicEmissions been saying this? It's just common sense (which explains why it hasn't been followed).
• Wild guess: in WWII, the Allies didn't buy German technology.

The happy news is that "The fear and uncertainty generated by surveillance inhibit activity more than any action by the police." No, wait, did I say happy? It's a good read.

One of the hallmarks of good customer service (who cares) is not simply saying no - it's providing a workable alternative. I already have - you're just not reading. How's that for customer service? 

No, wait.. it means you really need to consider doing things as safely as possible. Use duckduckgo for searches, because it doesn't track you. Get rid of anything Google, Yahoo, Faceyspaces, Instagram, etc, including email. Set up at least 2 email accounts: one for important stuff and one for junk. Use a decent, encrypted email service like Protonmail (free for basic). Use https for every web connection (or use an extension like HTTP Everywhere, which will do it automatically for you). This will sound weird, but use cash for all transactions. Not only will it protect privacy, your card won't get skimmed or stolen. In the name of all that's holy, don't use free wifi without a VPN. Or don't use it at all. 

Turn your cell phone's wifi off when you leave your house. If you can't remember, a program called Macrodroid can be set to do it for you.

• Several Australian universities have BANNED sarcasm because it's a "form of violence." I'd be thrown in jail for several lifetimes.
• Professor - he hit me with sarcasm and I need a safe room, with puppies.
• The stupid continues, and it's overwhelming.

Speaking of good customer service, a Cryptopay user was denied a password change, so he did the only thing a responsible adult could: mailed them a bomb. Fortunately no one was hurt. The package sat around for five months before someone got around to almost opening it. The sender had a bit of a criminal history, including sending a bit of the old white powder to lawmakers. It turned out to be coke and the lawmakers dropped all charges. Just because I made that up doesn't mean it didn't happen.

• You're going to be shocked.... One Million Kids Tracker Watches were deemed unsafe because any old hacker can access them, allowing them access to your child's location and pictures. Not that you don't post that on Faceyspaces anyway....
• Imagine something called a Tracker Watch becoming a tracker....

So how about the personalized concert lineup the ticket people sent this week?
Jon Bellion's coming! Who the hell is Jon Bellion? Iron Maiden, which is at least close to my wheelhouse. Pink. Pink? I'm starting to think this personalized lineup thing is a lie.  Jeff Lynne's ELO - dammit - they finally got one!  While I know who Lindsey Buckingham is, there's also DAWES. Is this what people from Boston use to get into a house? Seinfeld!!!! God, I hate Seinfeld, although I know who he is. Who are these comedians...  who aren't funny? Kris Kristofferson. The man's multitalented. Trailer Park Boys? I don't know who they are, but I read they're now on the FBI terror list. They must have said something nasty to someone at some time. As a Ron Paul voter, I was on the list too. Let's not leave Sebastian Maniscalco off the list. Remember: you can get free innoculations against Sebastian Maniscalco at your local pharmacy for no copay. It's pretty damn serious, which is why the FBI is encouraging you take the shot. St. Paul and the Broken Bones are also coming. It sounds almost like my previous musical comedy act: we were so bereft of rhythm and grace, that there were inevitably broken bones. Galactic ft. Erica Falls will also grace our area. It would be more efficient to call themselves Galactic Falls, but either way, I'd have no idea who they are and no desire to spend my hard-earned money.  Mumford and Sons. Hmmm.. we know all about them. Banjos. Interbreeding. I can't even type the name without breaking out in laughter. 98 Degrees... sounds like a really HOT act (I apologize profusely for that). Last but perhaps least, The Noise Presents Nothing More. I have no idea, but the idea of Nothing More in the way of Noise sounds wonderful. When I get famous, people will be taking shots at me too.

It's January Already

I'm getting a new phone at work.
I found this out today, while completing a software update. Because everyone knows that when you update the software, it becomes moot because you're getting new hardware. I found this out from the Software People, because the employees apparently don't have a Need to Know.

The last new phone I got was an iDevice. I begged my poor boss to get me an exemption. He's gotten very good at humoring me, like my wife and parents. He said perhaps if I got a doctor's note. Since I couldn't forge get a note in time, I got stuck with the iDevice. It's a silly little phone with only one button, which inevitably does the opposite of what you're looking to do, that could be accomplished with a second button. Like... ummmm... what's that called.. oh yeah - android.  Credit where it's due: it has a nice display and the charge lasts a long time (especially as it sits there, not being used). The first time it rang, I was so shocked I couldn't figure out how to answer it.

Now I'm getting a new one. Either that or we're changing carriers or the color we bleach our nose hair. No one seems to know. No one also knows what kind of phones they will be, although most Techie-Types are hoping for androids. The people who have personal iDevices get 'that look' in their eyes, signifying they're about to go full Judge Judy on me. Knowing the way my employer works, it will be a Windows 10 phone (sound of people leaping off tall buildings).

• Speaking of phones, our darling dog is displaying all sorts of new, interesting behaviors. She now whines when her mom leaves, which is turning into screeching. No bath poofy scrubby thing is safe from shredding. This is a little strange because we didn't know we had any poofy scrubby things.
• Her first vet appointment is this week. Her first day of obedience school is next week. I can't go because obedience school is afraid of me.
• Recently Penny saw her first snow. She came in, shook herself off, and declared she wanted to go back to her foster mom, where it never snows.

Perhaps because of the weather, the inside of the house has been free of ants.

Perhaps because of the lack of ants, there has been a lack of polar bears and the rare Elephant Squid. 

Further chats with our good neighbor have been enlightening. She talks about the time she used to spend with Marshall, even when she wasn't feeding him. Apparently both have cataracts, although hers are getting fixed (and he doesn't have them anymore). They used to sit outside and keep each other company. I had no idea. She misses him too. She was shocked to meet Penny, who isn't black  like the last three. And she has a longer snout, as English cockers do. She says Penny's really nice, but not 'her Marshall.'  I don't even know what to say.

• After the Australian universities banned sarcasm, the Special SJW Squad came out, in no uncertain terms, against mince pie. They threatened to take the bones out of their noses if the world continued to sacrifice the lives of those poor minces.

Colleges, Identity Politics, Victim Culture, and Safe Spaces
If you think professors are liberal, try school administrators. Op-ed in the New York Times vs microaggressions, understanding white privilege, and the right not to hear anything that upsets you, Victim. This is some sick stuff, and it's happening on your local college campus.

• The shopping season is here! Remember these tips before you shop online: Don't.

There is something very tasty about network cables. I have no idea what it is: ask the dog. This also applies to phone charging cords.

Speaking of charging cords, newer phones are coming with USB C jacks, which won't allow you to use your old cables (USB micro). Some clever person came up with adapters that use your existing cables. Even better, they come with little attachment bouzokis so they won't get lost. Sheer brilliance (thanks to the Linux People for the idea).

While you're shopping for adapters on Amazon, remember that you can buy products from Oprah's Favorite Things. Because the horribly wealthy ex-talk show host who gave away cars obviously knows what you'll like. You have so much in common. I kid - you just reflexively buy what she recommends, like her book club. This woman is so rich, every time she farts, it comes out as money. She lights her daily breakfast birthday cake with $100 bills because she has to get rid of the small ones. Oprah had a tiny complex built in California (she called it Los Angeles). There was some controversy over the city paying her $100,000 each time the sun came out, but it was put to rest when she assured them it was ok.

• Black Friday has either come and gone or will arrive early, depending on which retailer claims when. The trend seems to favor the early, with Black Friday being moved up a week, followed by Puce Weekend, and Chartreuse Monday. Christmas decorations went up the day after Labor Day. Next year, Black Friday will see another minor bump, to the first Friday after Valentines Day.

A British gang member started shooting out of an apartment window, declaring he'd never be taken alive. The police and the UK version of SWAT - PWAG (Police With A Gun) arrived and surrounded the building. The bullhorns bellowed and negotiations broke out - "Come out or we'll ask you to come out again!" By the end of the day, negotiations stopped, while all agreed that it was getting dark and everyone should go home for the night to sleep. This continued for two weeks: the British are a patient people, who avoid bad publicity at all costs. Finally the gang member fired at the police, who became slightly miffed, which is the most dangerous state available in police, and ordered him to stop it, this minute. Eager to make a point, the gunman set the apartment on fire and died of a 'self-inflicted' gunshot. The police congratulated themselves on a peaceful operation. At no time did they mention guns, because whenever you say guns, the entire population of England runs around in mass panic, puts a bucket over its head, and says how much safer they are with no guns.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America, city employees wet their pants with laughter, because they'd remedy the situation by dousing the apartment with gasoline and dropping high explosives from a helicopter. Ah, the good old days.

• I like to watch UK and Canada tv, to make fun of the accents, yeah? Eh?

It's fun to hang out in special interest groups on the net. I belong to a vacuum tube group full of people who are old enough to have invented tubes. I'm kidding, but they were early adopters. There is a lot to learn and no shortage of genius in the group. Having achieved age, there's a ton of other wisdom. Recently there was a discussion on how to make Bakelite, complete with several methods, cautions, and what happens over time. The current topic is heating the room in which you listen with a tube radio. Yes, it started as a joke, but the full engineering crew was out, working on this Serious Problem. They got out their calculators and punched buttons for all they were worth. Someone asked whether heating the rest of the room kept the temperature steady. Not to be outdone, someone else suggested that for the questioner's area (he looked it up), the temperature was 58 degrees, so geothermal might be the way to go. The plan involved digging down 12 feet, running copper tubing, filling it back up, and running water through it to both heat and cool the room. The only small consideration was the hole had to be larger and deeper than a swimming pool. This was simply out of my depth (Pun Alert), as is most tube information.

• Bulletin for anybody going to Ireland: leave your countersink drill bits at home or they'll be confiscated. Makes perfect sense: you could get on the plane and put it in the drill you're also not allowed to carry. Remember: if you can bring countersink drill bits on planes, the terrorists win.
• Also prohibited: clear tape dispensers with plastic cutters, personal lubricant, artificial body parts (leave them at home), round food, and Sinead O'Connor.
• "Ireland: Even Sillier Than the US"

Speaking of Ireland, a civil war is brewing, after the Irish government passed legislation mandating pronouncing 'th'. For example, 'three' must be pronounced 'three,' not 'tree.' Violence was immediate. The IRA changed its name to the IRS. The US State Department strongly discourages travel to tis area at tis toyme.

(Tis is why I don't have more readers)

• A judge has asked Amazon to hand over home recordings of their Alexa device in a double murder case. 

The court finds there is probable cause to believe the server(s) and/or records maintained for or by Amazon.com contain recordings made by the Echo smart speaker... 

• In a previous case, Alexa recordings were handed over. They were not conclusive of a murder.
• The article is remarkable for what it doesn't say: what Alexa records. It is only supposed to respond to “Alexa,” “Computer” or “Echo”.
• It is absolutely shocking that a listening device installed in your home listens.

Somewhat of a really long time ago (high school?), I fell in with a good crowd, to the surprise of my parents. I met my best friend, who is with me to this day. He was a songwriter and I came onboard (because all the applications for Rock Star<tm> had been filled out). We practiced at his house, where I met his family. His house was a great place because of the people who lived there, most specifically Mom. We spent a lot of time there, because we needed the practice. Mom became a second mom to me; a truly delightful person. Through the years it's always been great seeing her. 

I just received word she was hospitalized and passed today.

Peace, 2nd mom. 

And thanks for all the cookies.

Drilling Ventilation Holes in the Submarine

Pro Tip: if you tell someone you're from Romania, it is helpful to speak Romanian.

• I love animals. That's why I watch treehouse shows on Animal Planet

The Christmas commercial barrage has begun. Or I just caught it.

It occurs to me that the holiday might be here soon, in a month and a half, and I should get something for someone. I have one someone on my list. One. And I usually screw that one up, proving that advanced planning has no advantage.

If, for some reason, you find yourself married to a person with multiple personalities, you could always ask a different one of them what to get. Not that I would ever do a thing like that.

• Anything worth doing can be done from the couch  - leftyfucious

Mrs lefty was upset because Penny kept lunging at her while she was driving. She figured out Penny wasn't lunging - she is a Spaniel Seatbelt. She sits right in her lap and doesn't move. That's a weird habit for any dog larger than a Yorkie. Fortunately she's not so large as to impair driving.

• You got me like ah and ooh, with all the things you do... 
• I'm sorry, this 'song' annoys the crap out of me. 
• Ok, I'm not sorry.

I voted. You probably voted too. It's a way to make your voice heard, but only if a lot of people vote like you. I had 5 races: three were libertarians, leaving 2 races to investigate. Duckduckgo was very helpful in getting all the local voting and candidate information. One of the remaining two was an easy choice: vote against our local representative. I don't normally do this - I vote for, not against - but this person gets under my skin by breathing. Have you ever met or looked up someone whose every view is diametrically opposed to yours? It's not like we have any common ground, except (perhaps) not killing random people. Killing random people might be ok with her, but you may not do it with guns, because she's against guns. She never misses an opportunity to make government bigger and more expensive. Every single issue. The other race featured 2 people who were moderate democrat and republican. After research, I wound up voting straight libertarian and two republicans. Remember: "Common sense gun regulations" means gun confiscation or other erosions of the 2nd Amendment.

The incumbent governor won (boo), as did the representative from hell, who is wrong on every issue.  I didn't expect to win, but this is disappointing. Apparently a lot of people didn't vote like me.  

There was a huge turnout, which I'll put down to people coming out against Trump (this a guess, not a comment). Everybody in line was pleasant, helping newcomers to the correct line. The staff was either pleasant or near death. I got to entertain here and there, which made it fun for me. Less so Penny, who isn't registered to vote here (yet), and wasn't allowed in the building. Neither was my comfort elephant, which will require a complaint with the Federal Election Commission, and under the Americans with Disabilities Act. They're just lucky I didn't bring my comfort fire engine or comfort F-15.

• Penny just figured out how to open the kitchen door; she puts her paw under and pulls. How do pets figure this stuff out? It's only a matter of time til she figures out the bi-fold bathroom door. All of our pets figured them both out.

This is Penny. Penny is a meerkat.

Say - are you an HSBC customer in California?

Oops - your personal and banking information are out in the wild after a breach. 

"The information that may have been accessed includes your full name, mailing address, phone number, email address, date of birth, account numbers, account types, account balances, transaction history, payee account information, and statement history where available. 

 Naturally, HSBC is very sorry (they got caught) and they take security very seriously (because they got caught).

• Minnesota is the #1 state in voter turnout: 74.7%
• Even my rudimentary math skills show over 25% of voters can't be bothered to abandon their Faceyspaces accounts long enough to make their voices heard.

Do you have boxes of real dead bats, attached to cardboard, with cellophane wrapped around them? You may not send them to Canada. Don't ask how I know.

• Shrimp paste?

Overheard but not confirmed: Best Buy employees have to price match Amazon prices from their personal phones because of people editing html to change prices on Amazon. 

Just in case you haven't discovered the World Wide Web yet, this means people are taking Amazon web pages and altering the code (html) to reflect their desired price.

Let me eat my words: We are not a nation of morons. We are a nation of mostly morons.

Sinead O'Connor has converted to Islam and declared that she doesn't want to associate with white people.

1. Whoever is in charge of Public Relations for Islam had better tell her Mohammed wants her to entertain others from the safety of a soundproofed closet, twelve stories underground, at a nuclear-fortified facility. The reason they're so slow on this is that Public Relations is also in charge of picking random places to blow up innocent people in other countries, in the name of God.
2. Sinead, alternately known as Skinhead or My Little Garbage Truck, in addition to converting, got a real knock on the head and has also converted to Social Justice Warrior. This is proved by her statement coming out on Twitter, where you are not allowed to malign Muslims.
3. This woman is a mess. Those of us who pay attention to this sort of thing (and tell jokes at polling places), suspect she's a victim of abuse, perhaps as a child. She hasn't dealt with her trauma. Let's say Sinead is a balloon (a pretty blue one): she starts out flat, then fills with grief and agita until full. If she doesn't process the agita, the balloon can't hold more air, so it blurts out little bits, like we used to do when we were little to make fart sounds. The bizarre behavior is the air leaking out, bit by bit. After she deals with the event that brought this about, the air will go out of her. Then she'll be flat again (which is not so good if you're a musician). It would be a good thing to get this behind her, lest she find herself the lone member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, remote flying drones that drop bombs on people who don't want to associate with white people.

• Another shooting.
• There have been mass shootings for years. Lately it seems they're out of control. So to speak.
• Is the media hyping the shootings?
• Is there an agenda to disarm Americans? If so, who benefits?
• Has MKULTRA come back in a different form? Who's doing the programming?
• Have we simply morphed into a society with a larger tiny percentage of mass murderers?
• Many of the shooters were on prescribed medicines, like antidepressants and antipsychotics.
• I have no firm answers - just asking questions.

The Guardian, a very strange newspaper in the UK, featured this gem, when they learned that People magazine voted Idris Elba the Sexiest Man Alive:

Congrats, Idris Elba: but next year, let's have a less macho sexiest man alive...

Do you really want to live on the same planet as these people?
How about Harvey Fierstein?
Hint: evolution favors the macho, not the metro.


Many sections of the UK have gone completely off the rails; mostly the government and the more prominent voices of SJWs. If someone said Idris was an ass, the police would prosecute for hate speech and the SJWs would prosecute for racism (because he's black). America would prosecute because no one should be called Idris.

• For some unknown reason, I get a few visits from a domain that seems to belong to some very adult websites, possibly also Ashley Madison. Is somebody trying to tell me something? It is my wife?

old crazy lefty is at it again, with another theory...

Many theories have been put forth about UFOs and their pilots. It is said that some flying things are ours and some are not. There is no shortage of proof that things are flying around up there, regardless of whose.  It is also a fact that the Powers The Be (PTB) have spent much time, money, and lives denying there's anything up there. There are three 'official' explanations for Roswell, from our own government. Why the extreme effort to deny?

Given there's an unknown reason, perhaps it's technology no one wants us to have. Perhaps there's something no one wants to tell us. I'm a big boy - I want, and have the right, to be told the truth.

[Here's the out of the box part] Is it possible that ancient astronauts the pilots of the craft that aren't ours are already known and perhaps already established? That would explain a lot. Or maybe they're all ours and it's all a show.

2018 Fall Philly Guitar Show

As decreed by our forefathers: Page, Hendrix, Beck, and Zappa, we must find any excuse to attend any event of any type, featuring guitars, or at least pictures of guitars. Women are really good too - at the shows and in general.

As we remember, it is fall, but the Philly Guitar Show is not held in Philly. It's in Oaks, just past King of Prussia. For some reason, King of Prussia is absolutely hilarious to anyone not from the area. Taking that into consideration, I shall not mention the Philly lane called Street Road.

As happens more often than not, it wasn't exactly a great event for lefties. However, there was still a lot to see to keep things interesting: tons of pedals, vintage and some new amps, and the perennial Greyhound rescue group. The dogs are pretty chilled out and sweet. Drop a few bucks in their jar and help the no longer needed racing dogs.

There were some exceedingly vintage guitars to be seen: some clearly for sale, some without any tags. I felt like a real idiot, taking pictures of them, not that this stopped me. I do this all for you. Do I sound sufficiently genuine?

First thing I almost bought was a leather handle to replace the one that failed catastrophically on a tweed amp. Something about a $50 leather handle forced me to leave it there.


The Taylor booth is always a lot of fun, even for lefties. Martin brought a cutaway lefty too - there is no upcharge for lefties.

new Taylor T5 and acoustic

Next is a real gem: an actual lefty Jimi Hendrix Monterey Strat. The originals were lefty, but the cheaper production models were backwards.

lefty Jimi Hendrix Monterey Strat

lefty 1965 Strat. Only $6995. A bargain at half the price!

lefty 1965 Strat




lefty Ric bass - think McCartney post Beatles

lefty Ric bass

lefty German Hofner bass - think McCartney Beatles

lefty Hofner German bass

a 2004 lefty Gretsch - check out the flame

lefty 2004 Gretsch

Here's a normal recent lefty Gibson SG

lefty recent Gibson SG

This is a one-off lefty PRS conversion, done by Paul Reed Smith himself and documented by a letter from Paul. This was before PRS did lefty guitars.

lefty PRS conversion

PRS just put out a lefty SE series guitar (made offshore, very reasonably priced). Here are two very expensive PRSes, American made, in less than attractive finishes.

expensive lefty PRS 1

expensive lefty PRS 2

That does it for the properly-oriented guitars. Next up, the backwards righty guitars.

This is a 1958 Stratocaster in really great shape. It's around the period I really like. I played one and it was pure magic.

1958 Strat

Here's what's described as a 1958-61 Strat. Perhaps it has multiple personalities. Perhaps some days it identifies as a banjo.

1958-61 Strat

This is a 1968 Telecaster. It's a rare 2 tone sunburst.

1968 Tele

vintage Gibson Firebird. No identification.

vintage Firebird

Gibson Les Paul TV Special. It was referred to as TV because it was always played in front of the TV. I make it up as I go along.

Les Paul TV Special

Gibson Les Paul SG -  this is a very old, special guitar, with the SG body shape before it morphed to the Les Paul shape we know and love. Referred to as Les Paul because Les Paul, a famous guitar player, got an endorsement. Les was the father of the electric guitar, an inventor and recording genius.

Les Paul SG

Gibson ES-345 (I think). The Custom Made plate was standard. It's in really good shape.

Gibson ES-345

If you're set on cousins, you can buy this 1961 dot ES-335. Dot denotes the fretboard markers. I believe this is a very desirable year.

The apple of my eye - a 1979 antigua Strat, the mirror image of my #1 guitar. I call it pukeburst. The best of avocado green and harvest gold.

1979 antigua Strat - pukeburst

You can never get enough pukeburst, so here's a matching acoustic. As you can see, there was a lot of variation in pukeburst. There are actually reissues, but they look even worse, if you can imagine that.

acoustic pukeburst

If the above two are pukeburst, the Japanese produced this shitburst. This is the kind of education one cannot get in school. Even private school.

Japanese shitburst

The expensive stuff starts here. These are two old Les Pauls and an SG

Les Pauls and an SG

You don't see a lot of 1969 Les Pauls

1969 Les Paul

This guitar is very special: a 1958 sunburst Les Paul so special, it has a name. Charlie. There's a great story behind this but I don't know it. There were about 3 lefties made during this period. I played one and it was decent. A fellow named McCartney has one. The other is in the US. Guitar Loons keep track of this kind of thing, even assigning names to them. These guitars are the Holy Grail: Jimmy Page has a few, Joe Walsh, and anybody who is anybody. One of the most famous Les Pauls of all time was Peter Green's (Fleetwood Mac, when they were a blues band), which he gave to Gary Moore. Gary's estate? (RIP) sold it to Kirk Hammett for about $2 mil.

1958 burst Les Paul - Charlie

It's a Les Paul. It's old. I can't see the writing on the tag and none of us can afford it. Note the single coil pickups. 

old Les Paul with single coil pickups

a 1952 Les Paul. This is a very old guitar. At only $10k, you can afford to buy a few. Why is it only $10k? How should I know.

1952 Les Paul

a 1960 Les Paul Special, refinished from sunburst. This lowers the value.

1960 Les Paul Special refin

1959 Les Paul Special - to go with your 1960 Les Paul Special above. Your wife's shoes match - why shouldn't your guitars? Notice the grain.

1959 Les Paul Special

There's a lot to be said about new Gibsons too, mainly that this rack contains many pointy ones. Flying V, Moderne, and Explorer are some names Gibson used. Notice the split headstock on the first guitar. This came about due to Barry Gibson using the scroll saw while drunk.  The founder, Orville Gibson, was a lefty, which explains why they're so hard to find.

a rack of pointy new Gibsons

enough Gibsons - let's see more Fenders

1955 Strats aren't too common. It's one of the first years for them. However, something about this one isn't sitting right - the finish, for one. The bakelite plastic parts tend to disintegrate over time. The pickguard is suspiciously new looking.

1955 Strat

How about a 1963 Strat. 1963 was a great year. How do I know? I don't. You can tell from the sticky this one has MOJO. Judging by the price ($16k), they charged extra for it. It really does speak to some of us.

1963 Strat with MOJO

1956 Esquire. Esquires became Telecasters after whoever owned the Esquire name sued Fender. Note that the Esquire only has one pickup, in the rear. Teles have one in the front too. Jeff Beck was a famous Esquire player. Jeff Beck could make a trashcan sound good.

1956 Fender Esquire

Another Holy Grail: a 1952 Telecaster. At only $55k, it's a steal. It's also a block of 1952 houses. This is so early in production, it still has diapers. Some of the guitars were labeled early or late in the year. Because everybody knows that in 1953, Jose Rosenstein started falling over from the paint fumes, so you want an early 1952 Fender.

1952 Tele

Danny Gatton (RIP) was the best unsung guitar hero in the world. The man was a master of many genres and entertained people all over the world. He worked with Fender on a Danny Gatton Telecaster and here is his #1. At $50k it's true history. The production guitars had 2 pickups instead of 3, but they were still Joe Barden pickups. These sounded authentic but were no-hum pickups. Next to this was a very early prototype. You'll have to take my word for it because, for some reason, I didn't take a picture. It might've been the guy who kept getting in front of me. If you read anything about anybody getting seriously injured at the show, I had nothing to do with it.

Danny Gatton's #1 Tele

1966 Telecaster is another fairly rare guitar, especially when it could be a 1967 too. The 1966 Tele came directly after the 1965 Telecaster, and was going for $6600. I like the color and condition. It remains backwards on purpose.

1966-67 Tele

a 1954 Stratocaster is pure unobtainium. Even I am ok with holding off til 1958. This will set you back $32k. Notice the front pickup cover disintegrating. Leo Fender obviously didn't do any age testing on his plastic. Leo was quite a frugal guy and wanted to produce a good product at a reasonable price. Leo also couldn't play an instrument, much like Cobain. This may be the first year for Strats.

1954 Strat

here's a 1961 Esquire to go with the 1956 Esquire a few guitars up. The finish has more character, which is a polite way of saying it's f-ing trashed. This is not a bad thing with guitars, although the nicer examples will be more expensive. This example is $11k. For your amusement is the 1968 neck for $1850. By way of comparison, you can get licensed Fender necks starting at under $200 (obviously they're NOT THE SAME).

1961 Esquire

One of the early effects boxes for guitar was the Electro Harmonix Big Muff (and Little Muff - submit tasteless comments to the comments section). This box made your guitar sound like it was roaring out of a cranked Marshall amp. It was incredibly popular. It is said that Jimi used one, which is no doubt due to some kind of time warp: Jimi died in 1970, before the Muff came out. 

For some reason, Big Muffs were also made in Russia. What no one will tell you is that this is the beginning of the Russian meddling in elections plan. They started with guitar effects. It turned out to be a piss poor plan because guitar players are frequently stupid and can't always find their way to the polling place. Or even remember what day of the week it is.

Notice the lovely and consistent Russian design ethic. The exquisitely round black knobs. The bigass footswitch. They also run on batteries that you can't even get in Russia anymore (I made that up).

Russian Big Muffs

On the way out of the show, something caught my eye. It was my finger and it hurt like hell.

Also on the way out, I saw this interesting booth. They were displaying some products from 360 Systems, an early synthesizer company. The piece of equipment that blew me away was Frank Zappa's prototype guitar synthesizer. I was in the presence of greatness! The gents at the booth didn't have exact specs or functions but noted that there were definitely 360 Systems products involved inside. It was obviously never completed. They have much more Zappa equipment. I hope we'll all get a chance to see it and hear about it. It has a lot of labeled functions and a keypad whose function no one can guess. Had it gone to completion, it would be called something like the Oral Cement Grungalizer.

Frank Zappa prototype guitar synth

Not to be outdone, this is Steve Howe's (Yes) prototype guitar synthesizer. All of them were described as tracking really poorly, due to the method of conversion.

Steve Howe prototype guitar synth

There were 300 ARP Avatars made. They were specifically for guitar. The giveaways are the lack of keyboard and the guitar input.

ARP Avatar guitar synth

Last but not least is the 360 Systems Guitar Synthesizer, built from lessons learned through the Zappa and Howe experiments.

360 Systems Guitar Synth

The gents at the booth also mentioned having a bit of Keith Emerson's rig. 

More as I find it.

There was every kind of effects box you'd ever want. There were wood guitar shape pick holders, unfinished bodies, ridiculously cheap guitars, effects from one transistor to $450 current technology, parts, a Bludotone head (Carlos Santana uses one now), designed as a copy of the rare and horribly expensive Dumble amp, which can be had on the used market now and then for five figures. The price goes up every time Robben Ford, Larry Carlton, or Stevie Ray Vaughan sneezes. There was the famous SRV Leslie, plus a few smaller varieties.  Strings and colored strings could be had, as well as great t-shirts and replacement windows. I suspect someone thought this would be a good idea, and it would be if the gathering included anything but guitar players. It expanded a bit since the last few times and it was a blast.

In the same bleak industrial park-like place were a few food joints. We discovered Cheeseburger Cheeseburger. The burgers were quite good, and we had some real knockout shakes (mine was brownie batter). No Coke - Pepsi. Recommended.

And that ends the Guitar Jones for 2018. The next Philly show is June or July, so if I remember to take pictures and can drag myself to putting them in a page, you'll all see them.

when I hit the spell checker button, it will promptly cough and die