Wearing a Backpack to Bed

Definitions:

do what? - huh?  - "Pardon me, I'm from the South"
fixin tuh, bout tuh  - "Pardon me, I'm also from the South"
difficult - asshole  (He is a real difficult person.)
wtf? - with the fudge  (Bring me a glass of milk with the fudge.)

• When you're watching COPS, and the policeman gives the driver a drunk test, do you wait for the driver to say, "I can't do that when I'm sober." After the policeman explained what the tests were for, I realize I'd fail them completely sober. On my way to jail, I'd ask for a blood test. I'd be the only person ever arrested for driving sober.
• Well, maybe not the only person... my wife has something called positive tilt. Long and short is that when she closes her eyes, she tilts to one side and will fall over if she doesn't open her eyes. A doctor once did a test for this and wondered why I sprinted across the exam room to catch her. We're a hell of a team.

"I'd rather the police investigate a crime of misogyny than a burglary."

- English journalist Suzanne Moore

"Unless my house was being burgled."

- also English journalist Suzanne Moore

This would be an hysterical gag in a book or comedy routine if it weren't true.
How did we get here? How many Founding Fathers of all countries are spinning in their graves? Founding mothers - sorry.

It is rumored that Cindy Lauper's mother used to tell little 5 year old Cindy that she sang like an angel. Cindy grew up, thinking she could sing and inflicted her voice upon the public.  Perhaps Suzanne Moore's mother told her it was so cute, the way she went on about girls being better than boys, so she went into journalism. She actually believes this stuff. Maybe the publics got used to this by breaking us in to the Stupid, event by event. It seems to start in colleges, where the professors are so liberal, they make Michael Moore look like the alt right. The kids, whose parents pay over $50k per year to send their little impressionable snowflakes for a college education they'll need to get a job at McDonalds. They will get fired for organizing a strike because the staff is primarily male and black, so she's fighting the Patriarchy, which is racist and misogynist.

Twenty years down the pike, when society tires of being run by people who make stuff up that you can't debate without being called a name, it will be interesting to see where these people land.  Suzanne Moore was forcibly retired because the college couldn't afford the security bills of most people trying to stuff things in her mouth. She identified as black and was allowed to retire with pay after declaring the college racist. The legal case was reversed when the jury couldn't say the verdict without cracking up til they couldn't breathe.

Suicides will go through the roof, as middle-aged snowflakes realize calling people names no longer works for them and jobs hire on ability instead of gender and fear of being called a name. In the end, no one cares and half the country is out drinking. By the end of the night, they will have no idea what they're celebrating.

• There is a new system to monitor blood sugar. The commercial features a guy with a guitar plugged into a huge amp (logo blacked out). Anybody who plays guitar knows this is absolutely stupid. The amp is Marshall sized, which are the huge amps used by everybody from Hendrix to present day stars. If you put an acoustic guitar through this amp, the feedback alone would deafen you. This might be a plus if you sound like what we hear on the radio these days.
• A different commercial is about the things necessary to purchase a house. It involves the tasks necessary, like getting a raise and lowering expenses. One expense was 'buying stupid things', at which point they show the male holding up a Les Paul guitar and the wife shaking her head no. I'm going to write a complaint to the company, demanding they stop this rabid musician-ism. Some of us spend all of our disposable income (after pizza and ice cream) on guitars and related accessories. 
• As for the blood sugar monitor, this absolutely creeps me out. You might have seen it, with a bicyclist plus a mother with baby, holding the device up to a white sensor on their arm. WHAT is the sensor? Why is there a plastic disc attached to their arm? HOW is it attached? Is it wired right into the nervous system so Big Pharma can get you to buy more? Are you now chipped? Will I ever get the medicine I need?

We can all agree that Leah Remini has done a great job on her expose of Scientology. We can also agree that Leah Remini is a beautiful woman. Unfortunately in Hollywood, women must be forever young, so Leah had a facelift and/or botox. You'll see her face as a little different, especially compared to earlier pictures. If you look closely, you'll see her bottom lip not moving much when she speaks. This is especially visible in Cher, who has had so many surgeries, she no longer looks like the first few Chers the public got to know. Sonny, if he suddenly achieved life, wouldn't recognize her.

A lonnnnng time ago, Leah was on a sitcom, and I decided I needed a picture. I wrote to her (in actual writing, requiring paper and an envelope), and told her I wasn't a stalker, but would love an 8x10. She sent me one immediately and autographed it. What a sweetheart [sigh].

• Before the last election, those Hate Does Not Live Here signs started popping up. Across the street, a sign appears, stating Love Lives Here: Love of family, country, and God. I'll leave it to you which house voted how.
• I felt peer pressure and put up my own sign: Leave Me the F- Alone ( a libertarian mantra).

My tv app sprouted something called Sports Devil. Those of you keeping track, including those of you not keeping track, know how I feel about sports: I'd rather spend time with the devil than watch sports. As for golf, I'd rather go to the dentist, but we're not sure golf is actually a sport.

• Best line this week: I was totally asleep until I woke up....

I started losing my hair in my late teens. I blame my mother.
A girlfriend, who knew a lot about hair, gave me some special shampoo and a brush to use in the shower. This never worked out because my mother refused to let my girlfriend shower with me. I resent her to this day.

This particular girlfriend was interesting. Yes, they were all interesting, but this one was interesting. She was very proud of her body. This worked out well because I was too. She was..... gifted.... up top. I found out she was so proud that she had nude pictures done up professionally (this was waaaaay before selfies). I found this out later, when my brother told me she had a very nice upper half. She showed him the portrait.

Another girlfriend, who didn't take naked pictures of herself, invited me to sleep over one night. Her mom came in the room the next morning and I experienced Panic Shutdown. I stood there, on the bed, trying to be invisible, or disappear behind the door, with only pants. She said hi and asked if I wanted anything for breakfast. It took four days before I could eat. I'd get up in the morning for work and the girlfriend would start a huge fight. I called later and asked her what that was about. "We didn't fight this morning.. what are you talking about?"  Uh-oh. This happened fairly frequently. Only in hindsight did I realize there was something up with her. Why do all my girlfriends have..... issues...?? The last girlfriend before I met Mrs lefty was intense. We were inseparable. I found out she was abused as a child. I know the doctors will have all sorts of theories on this: girlfriends and rescue dogs.

• I have learned Stuff today, so it's now a productive day. I'm feeling good about that, so it's back to pr0n.
• There are over 100 kinds of bacteria on the human hand
• The London subway system is older than me. Quite a lot. It's even older Hillary Clinton's most recent body (this is number 4)
• According to my weather app inside my tv app, it's 126 degrees. That makes me feel really stupid for turning the heat up this morning.
• The country went to Daylight Ruining Time recently, so set your clocks in a random direction, 37 minutes back. I wasn't aware of this until Wife told me. All my life I've relied upon women to tell me. First it was Mom, who called years after I moved out. The good news is all my devices automatically moved the correct 37 minutes. The bad news is that one appliance didn't: my alarm clock.
• If you like to tinker with Stuff in your cell phone, don't turn off the service that says [name of carrier] services. Trust me. Right after thoroughly intimidating the phone, I noticed a program crawling slowly on the computer. I suspect they talk to each other. Do yours? Or is it only mine that are against me? They say the new medicines are much better.

This morning I woke up to my dog being very happy to see me. I like this. The excitement level went through the roof and I realized the Doggie Alarm Clock had gone off. I looked over and she had her harness in her mouth. She looked like she had gagged herself. I went searching for another reason.. although we're pretty weird here, we are not Doggie Bondage weird. She was chewing her harness. Shaking my head, I removed the harness. Not to be outdone, I watched her grab her mommy's covers and removing them. Damn impressive. Was she nesting? No, she was chewing on them. She was a stray - maybe she picked up some odd habits. Currently she's guarding us, looking outside, making sure we're protected. Yesterday she protected us from someone closing their car door. For five minutes, she barked. You can't stop her either. You can get right in her face, pick her up, throw toys, but she will not falter in her protecting. She protects us from people knocking at the door and yesterday she protected us from dogs barking on tv.

Being an English cocker, I tried to get some Bonding Time by watching British television. Nothing. I'm starting to wonder if English cockers are just American cockers with longer noses...

• I need to rant again (still?) about the Experience, vs the Working. I downloaded a file manager for my phone. When I started it up, it tried to get to the internet 24 times. Whatever it was must've been urgent. Then it told me all the great stuff it did, like categorizing my files, waxing the car, watching the dog, analyzing and cleaning space. I don't WANT my files analyzed. If anything, I need analysis before the files do. On the front screen, there are options to select music, downloads, videos, archives, and dog hair. DAMMIT - I HATE THIS. I don't want a file managing experience... I want to manage my files! So I went for the Look At Your Files button, but there was none. I am not making this up.... you can NOT simply browse the file tree, like even Microsoft Explorer can. Have these people sprung a leak?
• The next file manager also grouped files, but there was a teeny tiny button to actually browse files. It was so full of ads, you couldn't tell where you were browsing, like driving through Camden at night.
• The third file manager was called Astro (that's Rastro for Scooby Doo fans). This one seriously impressed me. Not by allowing me to browse, but for getting stuck at the logo as it came up. There were only 9 attempts to access the internet. Ten minutes later the program came up, with the first screen being notification that they collect every piece of information you have, up to and including nose hair samples. Not with my firewall blocking internet access, they don't. Assuming it doesn't take 10 minutes to come up, this one's almost useful.
• I'm downloading a file manager because Android can't decide if the one I have is installed or not. Is this some sort of trans thing? I went looking for the included file manager, but it's not there. NOT THERE. The stock android file manager is not there. The Download app is not there. Halleleujah. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I put on a dress and let these programs phone home. Why a dress? HEY - I didn't type that....I swear....

I found this strange new thing for the house. My wife (forcefully) introduced it to me. It's called vacuuming (did I spell that right?).  Darndest thing... the floor gets Stuff all over it. Dog hair, people hair, large sheets of nuclear plans for this and that, coffee the dog didn't want because it was cold... you know. So you run this vacuum thing over the mess and it disappears, like Janet Jackson's nose*. Say what you want about tv shows and Janet Jackson's nose, but the problem is that they stay disappeared. Not so much the floor dirt. In fact, it seems to come back at twice the rate, like grass.  Let us review: if you make the bed, it will get unmade every single night. If you wash the car, it will rain or mud. If you mow the lawn, it will only grow and mock you. Why Bother? So I gave up on vacuuming.

It's a shame, though, as we are well-equipped. We have three. Why? How the f- should I know - I was just turned onto them.  We have a midline, which is ok, but clogs up; we have a really cheap one that will suck up large bolts and couches, and a famous, really well made, guaranteed for life unit that can lift a bowling ball (but not the fat kid from Stand by Me). I mention this not because it works, but because the moment we turned it on, it sucked up some pantyhose from one floor up and stopped working immediately. The shop just called.. our free lifetime warranty just expired.

• Quick concert update: remember the Long Island Medium - Theresa Caputo? The lady with the ridiculous accent and a virtual hair helmet? She's on tour. Imagine my consternation, trying to decide between a Led Zeppelin reunion and Hair Helmet. To Theresa's credit, Robert Plant is unlikely to tell me what my dead relatives are saying about me.

We just finished paying off one of Marshall's medical loans. He's laughing at us, somewhere. Penny must crack him up too. Speaking of medical loans, I was working in my office and kept reminding myself not to move the chair because I'd hit the dog. The dog was out visiting with her mommy, so I was the only one home. I continued to not move the chair because, dammit, there was a dog there. It wasn't any particular dog, just a dog, and not one I could see. The feeling was downright eerie because it was so strong.



*Janet Jackson's Nose: She's a big girl and can do whatever she likes, but it saddens me to see her going down Michael Road. It's dark there.. few lights.. a lot of turns you can't see.. and money.... lots and lots of money.  But I digress (always). None of the Jackson children were going to grow up normally, even if some got famous while they were young. The father caused damage, possibly physical. Add that to being Michael Jackson, with more money than nose sense, and you have the recipe for disaster. One of the best known and loved musicians in the world probably had few or no people to talk to. Thus there was nobody to call him on getting all Michael Jackson-y. Thus his mad desire to be a caucasian, despite the obvious issues. The man barely had a nose left, or so Howard Stern says. He built a playground in his back yard. While this is the dream of all children, that ship sailed 40 years before. A pet chimp. Tiny friends. A wife? Some more children that don't stand a chance.  So Janet - just show us your boobies (sorry - wardrobe malfunctions), not what you can do with regular rounds of recreational rhinoplasty.

rhinoplasty is a plastic surgical operation during which a horn is grafted to the forehead.
why is my female dog humping a sofa pillow? because my leg kept rejecting her?