Captivity - Day 52 My computer is looking at me

Hey, welcome to ummm.... wait... ummm.. aren't you going to let me guess?
Ok. Welcome to Monday (because my alarm said so). If it doesn't go off, it's either Saturday or Sunday, so I have a 50% chance of guessing what day it is. Plus my calendar says it's Shower Week.

It's been a great few days. For Nanook. Or anything happening near the north pole. It is important to remember that penguins appear at the south pole (and the zoo). And in really strange dreams.


Regardless of any news, DC is the worst city for recovery: it's full of hot air.


The queen may never return to royal duties, due to the Flying AIDS. That would be a shame. He and Bernie Taupin did a lot of great work together.


Today's Best Headline: Virus found in feces more than a month after patient tests negative.  Repeat after me: Do NOT go into science.


There will be a Travis McCready(?) concert to test whether American is ready to rock again. Has anybody given a thought to how spectacularly this could go wrong? Apparently not. With a name like Travis McCready, the audience won't be rocking (no offense to whatever they will be doing).


Apparently there's a viral video of a Chinese woman pleasuring herself on different furniture in Ikea. Chinese media got ahead of it, so it only had 9 million views.  Yes, they held onto the Flying AIDS, where people died, but at least they got the masturbation video out. Where there's a will, there's a way.


Amtrak to require riders to wear face coverings starting today.
They really jumped on this one, didn't they?


As far as I know, Idiot Governor remained in his underground lair this weekend.


My boss encouraged his staff to have sex.
Oddly enough, Mrs lefty doesn't see that as an effective reason.

Close That Window When the Boss Walks By

Most people hate Mondays.

Some people hate their jobs.
I'm an exception (as usual).
Last night I logged into work to check something and also answered an email from The Boss.
Within a few minutes, The Boss thanked me for answering so quickly, but drove home that there is absolutely no requirement to answer mail outside of my hours.
This is why I love my job (and The Boss).

• The maximum penalty for importing bear bile into Australia is $100,000.
• this will be on the quiz

Dear lefty:

• Do you have a middle name?
• Yes

RUN - don't walk
To see the epic, the show stopping, the viral...
The Empire Strips Back - A Star Wars Burlesque Parody

Somewhere, in a dark place, a sociologist has blown his head off.

• It's not that I've spent a lot of time watching Monty Python, but I remembered a line that started, "Yeah, alright." I'm sure this qualifies as some sort of emotional disturbance.

Speaking of remakes, 20th Century Squirrel presents Catharine the Great, featuring members of her family you might not know about: her mother, Magnolia the Somewhat Less than Great, her father, Herbert Who Put the Fun in Funeral, and her brother, Ivan the Terrible.

• The dog's breath has been suspiciously minty fresh for a few days. Apparently she has a stash of Life Savers somewhere in the house.

Ah, the good old days, when you had to really try to shut down your airport. You pretty much couldn't do it pre-TSA. Now all you need is a drone, or in the case of South Carolina, a naked lady running around the terminal. I'm not entirely sure what kind of risk a naked lady represents, but I guess it can't hurt to be at the airport when she makes her move.

• Baked beans on toast? Toast with only one side toasted?
• Remind me not to be British.

Hey - do you use VFEmail email?
You probably don't anymore.
In an unprecedented event, a hacker got into the system and deleted everything, reformatting the servers. Not satisfied, they also got the backups. The owner seems unlikely to start back up from scratch. As of now, some can log in and use the service, but all historical data is gone. What kind of person......

• When you take the test for your pilot's license, do you have to parallel park?

Dear lefty:

• Should I collect trolls?
• Perhaps collecting anthrax would be better for you.

When you're in a restaurant or getting on a plane, ask for the No Screaming Baby section.
I made the mistake of forgetting this the other night. Our favorite restaurant for our anniversary. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.  WAAAAHH.  SCREEEEECH!

I know now that you cannot assault the child. It's much more fun to go after the parent.
I asked the waiter if he'd throw drinks on them for a $20. He said he'd do it for $5.
Constant shrieking. Parents completely oblivious. Somebody took matters in their own hands and tried to out-yell the baby, momentarily interrupting the Screech Tirade. It worked (for approximately 20 seconds). Finally one of the parents was properly motivated (embarrassed) and took the child outside, looking none too happy. I heard applause, but it was muted applause. You know, cuz we're civilized or some such shit.

He makes a point..

Weekend in Review - or Why Did I Leave the House?

So it's Monday.  It's usually Monday, moreso at this time of the week.  It is, in fact, rather early for a Monday, but there we are; it's Monday.

So what rhymes with Monday?  Hyundai.
And why do I mention Hyundai?  Because it has been a wonderful experience owning an almost new car.  And because it has been a wonderful experience, the Hyundai has obliged by overheating.

A quick trip to the mechanic diagnosed the problem as bad hoses and a thermostat (which should have been replaced when the dealer rebuilt the front end after the Deer Incident<tm>).  Naturally the parts had to be ordered and wouldn't be in for a few days.  The universe is funny this way.

Somehow we made it out last weekend.

Let's start with the Musicians Flea Market at the New Hope Winery.  I made several assumptions which turned out to be totally incorrect.  My wife was on point and we got proper backup directions.  And where were the backup directions?  Back up at the house, where we left them.

The Winery is a few miles past Peddler's Village.  You can't miss it (although we almost did).  There is the winery and the events building.  It there appeared to be more cars in the lot than people attending the event.  Apparently this room is routinely used for national events - it's very nice.   We were charged a door fee of five dollars and went off, exploring.

I don't mind paying: I pay for the Philly Guitar Shows twice a year and it's worth it.  The Philly Guitar Shows have hundreds of vendors.  The Winery had approximately six.  This is where I start to mind paying.

Still, I wanted to support this concept, hoping it would really take off.  Unfortunately the approximately six vendors took up the large part of the room, leaving little if any room to grow.   When I think flea market, I think lots of tables and vendors.  Not so much here.  And we got a coupon for ten percent off wine purchases that day.  This is ironic, as I don't drink.

Sadly, it was a bit of a wash.  I hope the vendors did well.

Peddler's Village was in the midst of its Strawberry Festival, which was a real boon to those who like strawberries.  In a bit of flawed logic, I suspect that people who like Strawberries are large, slow and grossly inconsiderate of others trying to walk near and around them.  I needed a cow catcher to get from shop to shop.

My wife wanted a fresh lemonade.  In front of us was one party of about five people, which seemed to be completely monopolizing the party of five people working at the stand.  Every they finished ordering, someone came up with another thing they needed.  After about five minutes of waiting for lemonade, I gave up, leaving my poor wife to stand behind these idiots.  I procured a smoothie in the time it took her to get her lemonade and walk to the next stand.  They kept adding one more thing, like a really bad version of Columbo.  And the people who worked there were so stunned, no one thought to ask her if she wanted anything.

On the plus side, it was a beautiful day.  We got cotton candy.  There was a jazz band on the lawn, with a really interesting drummer.  On the way out we saw a band doing Jimmy Buffet-type songs in the gazebo.


Sunday was the MARC Hamfest, starting at the ridiculous hour of seven in the morning.  We got there by eight.  It was very well-attended, moreso than we have seen in quite a while.

I didn't see anything that thrilled me, aside from a $600 R390 boatanchor tube receiver.  Having left my $600 bill home, I was forced to leave the R390 at the hamfest.  The silver lining is that the receiver is so heavy, I watched the vendor having to get help removing it from his trunk.  So I saved some of my vital parts<tm>.

My wife did quite a bit better, as usual.  She runs through vcrs and dvd players like I run through soda and she purchased one of each for ten dollars.  You never know what you're going to find at a hamfest.   The table with the greatest title was the Guilt Table, where buyers were encouraged to buy candles for their wives/girlfriends.  Naturally my wife scored there too.

I may need to rethink this hamfest thing.

Define Cruelty

I remember all the way back to Friday.  I was telling a friend that I was going to get up off my posterior and head out over the weekend.  I was almost excited.

Then it snowed.  It was almost as if it were personal.

But the true definition of cruelty, and I'm sure you'll agree if you think about it, is a non-cooperative coffee machine on Monday morning.

I've been at the present job for ten years.  Over that time, we've spent days, weeks, and months working on a suitable Coffee Strategy.  Coffee doesn't come easy.  Yes, we do have the coffee machines thoughtfully provided by our employer.  These are really convenient little machines and, when loaded, produce something in the general neighborhood of coffee (or hot chocolate) but not close enough for me.  And they're frequently not loaded, producing the sickest shades of coffee and hot chocolate imaginable.  Unfortunately they don't taste much better than they look, loaded or not.

Being a proper coffee fanatic, I decided the only way to go was to bring in beans, a grinder, and a four pot coffee maker.  This became so successful that we evolved to a twelve cup coffee maker.

It was at this point that we hit our Major Stumbling Block<tm>.  I noticed that if I didn't make coffee, it didn't get made.  Somewhat coincidentally, if I didn't clean the pot, it didn't get cleaned.  Suffice it to say that a dirty coffee pot can grow some of the most interesting blue-green `stuff' you've ever seen.  After a while it evolves speech.  This, while interesting, becomes a bit of a pain in the ass, as it just sits there, saying:

"Clean me."
"Clean me."

Then we discovered Keurig.  These are miraculous machines, wherein you fill them with water, put in a cup, put in a little coffee pod, push the button, and coffee appears in your cup.

And you don't have to wash any pots.

This was a miracle for us, provided we could get someone to pick up the coffee pods.  It was almost foolproof.

Until this morning, of course.

Here we are, yet another Monday, coming into work and pressing the BREW button for some of that magical go-juice.

And the machine just stared back at us.


A helpful person observed that sometimes it starts slowly.  I added that perhaps it's having prostate issues: it gets started slowly but eventually disburses liquid.

And it gave me half a cup of brew.

This is simply cruel.  Monday morning, of all mornings, is precisely the wrong morning to mess with my coffee.  I have barely enough oomph to operate the coffee machine, no less hurl it across the room in a petulant frenzy (a petulant frenzy?).

While we're on the topic, this particular machine is not without its drawbacks.  While it's basically effortless in the coffee-making area, one still has to procure things like cups, sugar, and creamer.  I have noticed that at least one of these things is missing when I go to make my singular cup of coffee.

I may go to put in sugar, only to find it empty.  After I procure more sugar, via an act that is probably illegal in at least thirty states, I get back to notice that the creamer is also short.  It took me way too long to remember to check everything before I hit BREW.

Since there were no additional cups, I had to go to the kitchen to dump out my measly half cup of coffee (which was starting to eat through the cup anyway) and get some more cups.  I ran a cup of plain water, which took on an eerie brown and crunchy shade, and had another go at regular old coffee.

VOILA!  An actual cup of coffee.  Success at last.

Of course I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me today, but at least I got my coffee.

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Today is Halloween.  My department is dressing as MIS people with bad attitudes.

By all accounts, we've nailed it.