MC Hammer Found Alive?

McDonald's has apologized after a toddler was found sucking on a condom in a restaurant.  Unrelated: McDonalds introduces the McCondom.

• A man was arrested for threatening to kill President Trump at his rally. 
• Only the bright ones get caught.

What are the odds?

A Florida (shock!) man impersonating a cop got arrested after pulling over a real cop.

Dear lefty:

• Why are peaches fuzzy?
• same reason your mother is

Watch out, kids.... new SJW research reveals that dogs are a tool of white supremacy and gentrification. I wonder if cancerous dogs are the tool of white veterinarian supremacy....

Although it's possible I might be overloaded, the load itself seems to be overloading:

• Zombie Dishes: put them in the sink, wash them, and they're back the next day.
• Zombie Trash: it appears each week, after having taken it out the previous week.
• Zombie Ants: yes, it's that time of year again. We saw them warming up in the yard, their miniature fortresses in the ground. The weekend saw them in the house, in Popular Ant Places, like the washer and my bedroom table. Even in my house, there is no food in either place.
• Zombie Grass: it appears out of nowhere. I'm told it's weeds, but I can't tell the difference. I mowed last year - what does this pestilence want from me?

Now available: Elton John's Early Demos. This is a 4 volume set of Sir Elton's demos for some of his biggest songs. Sometimes he changed the titles, but here are the working titles:

Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me
The Bitch is Black
I Guess That's Why They Call Them the Jews
Saturday Night's Alright for Crossdressing (J. Edgar's Song)
Goodbye Conventional Marriage
Candle In the Gin
Philadelphia Dungeon

• Suffice it to say that chocolate covered ants, considered a delicacy on some planets we don't visit, comes up severely lacking when served without chocolate.

The LAPD has run over a woman sunbathing on a beach.

Perhaps they should legislate those orange glow vests....

• Pennsylvania news: three men are accused of having sex with a few different animals. This was obviously the first volley in a campaign for governor.
• a PA woman died after falling into a meat grinder.  Well, at least she didn't fall into a tree grinder- those things are messy.  Unrelated: sale on sausage this week only.

Dear lefty:

• What is a hoosier?
• Even the people who live there can't tell you, which says a lot.

The lefty household would like to thank the Poseidon Corporation for their flea and tick medicine for dogs. Penny is flea and tick free. The ticks now crawl onto us, but they don't bite her. Success!

It's January Already

I'm getting a new phone at work.
I found this out today, while completing a software update. Because everyone knows that when you update the software, it becomes moot because you're getting new hardware. I found this out from the Software People, because the employees apparently don't have a Need to Know.

The last new phone I got was an iDevice. I begged my poor boss to get me an exemption. He's gotten very good at humoring me, like my wife and parents. He said perhaps if I got a doctor's note. Since I couldn't forge get a note in time, I got stuck with the iDevice. It's a silly little phone with only one button, which inevitably does the opposite of what you're looking to do, that could be accomplished with a second button. Like... ummmm... what's that called.. oh yeah - android.  Credit where it's due: it has a nice display and the charge lasts a long time (especially as it sits there, not being used). The first time it rang, I was so shocked I couldn't figure out how to answer it.

Now I'm getting a new one. Either that or we're changing carriers or the color we bleach our nose hair. No one seems to know. No one also knows what kind of phones they will be, although most Techie-Types are hoping for androids. The people who have personal iDevices get 'that look' in their eyes, signifying they're about to go full Judge Judy on me. Knowing the way my employer works, it will be a Windows 10 phone (sound of people leaping off tall buildings).

• Speaking of phones, our darling dog is displaying all sorts of new, interesting behaviors. She now whines when her mom leaves, which is turning into screeching. No bath poofy scrubby thing is safe from shredding. This is a little strange because we didn't know we had any poofy scrubby things.
• Her first vet appointment is this week. Her first day of obedience school is next week. I can't go because obedience school is afraid of me.
• Recently Penny saw her first snow. She came in, shook herself off, and declared she wanted to go back to her foster mom, where it never snows.

Perhaps because of the weather, the inside of the house has been free of ants.

Perhaps because of the lack of ants, there has been a lack of polar bears and the rare Elephant Squid. 

Further chats with our good neighbor have been enlightening. She talks about the time she used to spend with Marshall, even when she wasn't feeding him. Apparently both have cataracts, although hers are getting fixed (and he doesn't have them anymore). They used to sit outside and keep each other company. I had no idea. She misses him too. She was shocked to meet Penny, who isn't black  like the last three. And she has a longer snout, as English cockers do. She says Penny's really nice, but not 'her Marshall.'  I don't even know what to say.

• After the Australian universities banned sarcasm, the Special SJW Squad came out, in no uncertain terms, against mince pie. They threatened to take the bones out of their noses if the world continued to sacrifice the lives of those poor minces.

Colleges, Identity Politics, Victim Culture, and Safe Spaces
If you think professors are liberal, try school administrators. Op-ed in the New York Times vs microaggressions, understanding white privilege, and the right not to hear anything that upsets you, Victim. This is some sick stuff, and it's happening on your local college campus.

• The shopping season is here! Remember these tips before you shop online: Don't.

There is something very tasty about network cables. I have no idea what it is: ask the dog. This also applies to phone charging cords.

Speaking of charging cords, newer phones are coming with USB C jacks, which won't allow you to use your old cables (USB micro). Some clever person came up with adapters that use your existing cables. Even better, they come with little attachment bouzokis so they won't get lost. Sheer brilliance (thanks to the Linux People for the idea).

While you're shopping for adapters on Amazon, remember that you can buy products from Oprah's Favorite Things. Because the horribly wealthy ex-talk show host who gave away cars obviously knows what you'll like. You have so much in common. I kid - you just reflexively buy what she recommends, like her book club. This woman is so rich, every time she farts, it comes out as money. She lights her daily breakfast birthday cake with $100 bills because she has to get rid of the small ones. Oprah had a tiny complex built in California (she called it Los Angeles). There was some controversy over the city paying her $100,000 each time the sun came out, but it was put to rest when she assured them it was ok.

• Black Friday has either come and gone or will arrive early, depending on which retailer claims when. The trend seems to favor the early, with Black Friday being moved up a week, followed by Puce Weekend, and Chartreuse Monday. Christmas decorations went up the day after Labor Day. Next year, Black Friday will see another minor bump, to the first Friday after Valentines Day.

A British gang member started shooting out of an apartment window, declaring he'd never be taken alive. The police and the UK version of SWAT - PWAG (Police With A Gun) arrived and surrounded the building. The bullhorns bellowed and negotiations broke out - "Come out or we'll ask you to come out again!" By the end of the day, negotiations stopped, while all agreed that it was getting dark and everyone should go home for the night to sleep. This continued for two weeks: the British are a patient people, who avoid bad publicity at all costs. Finally the gang member fired at the police, who became slightly miffed, which is the most dangerous state available in police, and ordered him to stop it, this minute. Eager to make a point, the gunman set the apartment on fire and died of a 'self-inflicted' gunshot. The police congratulated themselves on a peaceful operation. At no time did they mention guns, because whenever you say guns, the entire population of England runs around in mass panic, puts a bucket over its head, and says how much safer they are with no guns.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America, city employees wet their pants with laughter, because they'd remedy the situation by dousing the apartment with gasoline and dropping high explosives from a helicopter. Ah, the good old days.

• I like to watch UK and Canada tv, to make fun of the accents, yeah? Eh?

It's fun to hang out in special interest groups on the net. I belong to a vacuum tube group full of people who are old enough to have invented tubes. I'm kidding, but they were early adopters. There is a lot to learn and no shortage of genius in the group. Having achieved age, there's a ton of other wisdom. Recently there was a discussion on how to make Bakelite, complete with several methods, cautions, and what happens over time. The current topic is heating the room in which you listen with a tube radio. Yes, it started as a joke, but the full engineering crew was out, working on this Serious Problem. They got out their calculators and punched buttons for all they were worth. Someone asked whether heating the rest of the room kept the temperature steady. Not to be outdone, someone else suggested that for the questioner's area (he looked it up), the temperature was 58 degrees, so geothermal might be the way to go. The plan involved digging down 12 feet, running copper tubing, filling it back up, and running water through it to both heat and cool the room. The only small consideration was the hole had to be larger and deeper than a swimming pool. This was simply out of my depth (Pun Alert), as is most tube information.

• Bulletin for anybody going to Ireland: leave your countersink drill bits at home or they'll be confiscated. Makes perfect sense: you could get on the plane and put it in the drill you're also not allowed to carry. Remember: if you can bring countersink drill bits on planes, the terrorists win.
• Also prohibited: clear tape dispensers with plastic cutters, personal lubricant, artificial body parts (leave them at home), round food, and Sinead O'Connor.
• "Ireland: Even Sillier Than the US"

Speaking of Ireland, a civil war is brewing, after the Irish government passed legislation mandating pronouncing 'th'. For example, 'three' must be pronounced 'three,' not 'tree.' Violence was immediate. The IRA changed its name to the IRS. The US State Department strongly discourages travel to tis area at tis toyme.

(Tis is why I don't have more readers)

• A judge has asked Amazon to hand over home recordings of their Alexa device in a double murder case. 

The court finds there is probable cause to believe the server(s) and/or records maintained for or by Amazon.com contain recordings made by the Echo smart speaker... 

• In a previous case, Alexa recordings were handed over. They were not conclusive of a murder.
• The article is remarkable for what it doesn't say: what Alexa records. It is only supposed to respond to “Alexa,” “Computer” or “Echo”.
• It is absolutely shocking that a listening device installed in your home listens.

Somewhat of a really long time ago (high school?), I fell in with a good crowd, to the surprise of my parents. I met my best friend, who is with me to this day. He was a songwriter and I came onboard (because all the applications for Rock Star<tm> had been filled out). We practiced at his house, where I met his family. His house was a great place because of the people who lived there, most specifically Mom. We spent a lot of time there, because we needed the practice. Mom became a second mom to me; a truly delightful person. Through the years it's always been great seeing her. 

I just received word she was hospitalized and passed today.

Peace, 2nd mom. 

And thanks for all the cookies.

Faceyspaces Strikes Again

Sorry we're running late. As you might have read, we're experiencing more technical difficulties than we can shoot at with our available weaponry.



A Taiwanese hacker says he's going to delete Mark Zuckerberg's profile and stream it live. I'd watch it. Unfortunately it's being streamed on Faceyspaces itself.

Speaking of stupid, Faceyspaces engineers discovered a flaw on September 16th, which would have allowed hackers to take over fifty million accounts.

"This is a very serious security issue, and we're taking it very seriously, because we got caught" said CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Zuck (pronounced 'fuck') pointed out how sorry he is that he got caught, and promised swift action, because he'll get caught if he doesn't. The security team is being augmented, to avoid getting caught in the future.

Zuckerberg is up for a Nobel Peace Prize, but doubts he can reach the Peace Heights of Barack Obama, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for waging war across the globe.

UPDATE: Faceyspaces leaps to inaction and says that if people want to opt out, they should turn off 2 factor authentication. They should turn off an important safety feature. You can't make this stuff up.

• Perhaps I should've gone to college after all.  A professor, giving an intro to psychology course, accidentally ran porn instead of his video. The audience is described at being aghast. What group of 18 to 20 somethings is aghast at porn? Apparently students at the University of Toronto.
• One student had video of the accident and posted it online, where it was shared many times. Hmmmm.....
• The university said it was offering support to anyone who was disturbed. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Support! Break our the safe rooms, with soft pillows and puppies. And vagina hats.
• 10 students were home on Disability, 3 students were in Intensive Care, 5 were admitted to the Happy Place, and the course is booked solid for the next ten years.
• Education Pro Tip: stay away from the University of Toronto.

Gas prices in southern California are on the way to $4 gal.

Actual gas prices were $2 gal but the governor added a $2 gal tax for cleaning up some shit in San Francisco.

• An Italian man who slept with over 6,000 women just died. Italy mourns his loss.
• Mario Zanfanti died while having sex with a tourist one third his age. He died the way he lived.
• If you gotta go.....

War on Ants
The war continues. This particular battle happened in the kitchen. The clean kitchen, with no food laying out. Mrs lefty says, "If you see one ant, he has lots of friends you can't see." She put on her Sherlock Holmes hat, with the bill in the front and the bill on the back. This way the ants can't tell if she's coming or going. We got out our Secret Weapon<tm>, called Tero, or something like that. It's like really yummy cyanide they swarm on, eat, and carry back to their condos, apartments, and the Secret Ant Compound, where they go through a process called Eat and Die.  It's very technical. Part of it involves opening an odd plastic container, with "no spill packaging", which naturally wound up all over my shirt.

The process involves a bit of reality suppression, as they show up in numbers, even if you tape the bait on the ceiling. I don't want to discuss this any further.

Across the street, it looks like our neighbor has had it with the ants too. How do we know? There's a tank on his lawn, pointed at said house. Turns out it's a backup plan, as he's got some sort of Industrial Ant Stuff. This is a different method than Eat and Die.. the ants go for the bait and POOF - it puts tiny little dresses on them. The males are typically the raiders, so this embarrasses the hell out of them and they flee, fearing talk of their fetish, and sexual assault from the ants that like being in a fashionable frock. There are hundreds of books on the topic of Ant Dressing, which you can read in any ant library. Our neighbor said he'd let us know how it worked out. If so, we were free to use it. He didn't specify which... I'm hoping for the tank.

• Telegram desktop is a 'secure' messaging program. Unfortunately, it turns out to leak your private and public IP addresses. A leak in android is also possible. The vulnerability has been fixed.
• I've been suggesting Signal for encrypted messaging and phone calls for android and non-android phones. You can also put it on your desktop and sync it with your phone, so you can operate it from the desktop too. Do yourself a favor and install Signal. With FB, Zuck, Google, and the NSA listening to everything you do, why not use something that's incredibly difficult to crack?

Andy Warhol said something about everyone eventually getting their fifteen minutes of fame. The man could obviously see into the future. The latest reality show follows a number of spoiled rich kids sent to live as poor people. In case you think my characterization of spoiled rich kids is incorrect or personal, the commercial had one particular brat counting out $32,000 in pocketbooks (on one shelf among many). Oh, the horror.

Next up: rich people filling out the wrong tax forms and Daddy having to use his team of tax accountants work to solve this. The next show deals with the embarrassment and sheer horror of using the wrong fork. The show spends most of its time at the therapist's office, trying to work through a near fatal case of Social PTSD. As you read this, a new show is being pitched, where poor kids move in with rich families and hack into the family's finances, making them the poor family. In abject terror, rich people are phoning their buddies at the networks to have the show mothballed before it's accepted.

• So that global mass surveillance system to fight terror.... it's being used to spy on innocent UK citizens. Yes, ThermionicEmissions is correct again. We can't see into the future - if your government(s) puts in a spying system to fight 'terror', it will be used against you. As disturbing as this is in other countries, the US 4th Amendment guarantees against search and seizure. It has been violated. It is violated again and again.
• So let's get back to arguing republicans vs democrats, shall we? They both authorized this kind of thing.

From 2020 on, more than five million new Volkswagens will be fully connect to The Cloud. What could possibly go wrong? Lady - your Tiguan is trying to hack my router!

• God I love Windows. Forced to use it for work, I suffer from its aggravation. This morning it thought my second display was the primary display. It had gotten an 'update', of which I was unaware. Then it took my neatly arranged icons from the left side and moved them all to the right side, plus put them out of order. And this is just booting up. I'm waiting for it to decide the mouse is on the other side of the keyboard and to turn the display sideways. It locked me out last week, which I decided was a blessing. Oddly enough, this stuff doesn't happen at home on linux.
• No, at home on linux, I have a problem so weird that no one has even heard of it, much less knows how to go about solving it. And for once, I didn't do anything to cause it. I hope.

If the aliens have any doubt what we're up to, they don't even have to come to the planet... they just have to watch what happens to the moon when we get there. Nuclear physicist Stanton Friedman, godfather of UFO research, has the best description of mankind:

Apollo 13 did an experiment to figure out the moon's crust. It involved explosives. Within the past few years, we somehow found it necessary to actually bomb the moon, allegedly to look for water. I happen to know that in 2020, we're going to bomb the moon to reaffirm the presence of moon dust. The astronauts were clearly filmed in moon dust, but we need to make sure it's still there. There is a proposal for 2025, which involves shooting the moon with a very large nuclear weapon, to see what happens when the moon splits in half. [HINT: women's periods will last 56 days]

• There is absolutely no reason I should like Procol Harum, except that Robin Trower was in the group for a bit. Yet completely without guitar pyrotechnics, I really enjoy them. Check them out... A Salty Dog is one of my favorites, from 1969, featuring a very young Robin Trower.  You'll definitely recognize this one. Lastly, Conquistador is a hit from waaaaaay back.

I was thinking of new interesting things to add to the blog.

One recurring feature idea was Words the Spellchecker Didn't Understand. The generously provided spellchecker by Google (they don't charge for it or for the space to blog) apparently didn't cost them anything, as it's European (flavour, colour, pyjamas), and doesn't understand words (internet, tv, Zuckerburg). It will not learn from my corrections, so I get to see them each time I spellcheck. 

So I won't be adding this feature, as it will take twice the time it takes me to make all this shit up in the first place.

It's a Good Thing People Don't Have to Remember to Breathe

Speaking of net neutrality, Verizon throttled Santa Clara County, California, fire company's 'unlimited' data plan. This fire company happened to be fighting the fires out there and had to pay Verizon more money to end the serious throttling, even after explaining about the fires. As this is America, there is a lawsuit.

What have we learned? That cable companies' definition of Unlimited is Somewhat Unlimited.

• This morning's 7am noise was something very loud that required a backup beeper. Wife said it was a neighbor, this time digging up his driveway. I've seen this drive... you could eat off it and use it to calibrate your level.
• I've known the owner since we moved in. He had this child with a frightening look in his eyes. Wife and I looked at each other and agreed that there are many dead animals in his back yard, because that's how psychopaths start. This same child just bought the house from his parents. I'll bet he's trying to unearth his ex-pets. Maybe he's making amends. Maybe he's making dinner.. who knows?

The electric company in Naperville, IL, wants to put electronic 'smart' meters on everybody's service, with no opt-out. Some people in Naperville were very opposed to this, as everyone should be, and filed suit to stop it. At very least, this is a violation of the Fourth Amendment (search and seizure). Additionally, this would allow the electric company to determine electrical usage and a profile of the user. This is why these meters must be opposed. You know this data will be sold.

The judge agreed that this is Search. However, and there's always a however:

.....because the collection of smart meter data allows utilities to reduce costs, provide cheaper power to consumers, encourage energy efficiency and increase grid stability, it is very much in the government’s interest and can be allowed.

Although a Constitution fan, it's possible I could be ignorant of certain legal concepts. If any of you know, please chime in.

The Fourth, as indicated above, guarantees against illegal search and seizure. This means the police require a warrant to enter your house, which had better cover whatever they're looking for. A perfect example of this is drunk driver stops. Although somehow ruled legal, the police have no reasonable suspicion that anyone driving on the road is drunk, yet they stop you. Additionally, if they find money on you and seize it, that is also illegal (although needs to be fought in some states).

Here's where things get shaky: The Amendments, to my knowledge, are solid; not to be balanced against government interest. Here's a hypothetical: your local police department (or SWAT) breaks down your door, without a warrant, looking for guns. They find guns and confiscate them. In court the homeowner's lawyer claims a clear violation of the Fourth Amendment.  Let's face it - he's right. This is a clear cut case. The judge agrees: this is illegal Search and Seizure. However, and there's always a however, the government's interest in removing guns is reasonable and the case is dismissed.

Do you see my problem?
It's your problem too.

• Still have a Faceyspaces account? They want to figure out if you're legitimate or a fake news provider. You will be assigned a rating on how trustworthy you are.
• Since when is it the job of social media to indicate your trustworthiness? By what standards is this judged? Can standards apply? Will the political leanings of the decider affect the answer?

I watch LivePD. I have a strange affection for police shows, aside from the previous rant about the War on Drugs.  There's another show called Nightwatch, which is live ambulance crews in different states. LivePD is very instructive. Today I learned that it's perfectly ok to wear a bra and shorts, but only if you're female and have a humongous gut that hangs over your waist or sticks straight out, like a beer gut. These grown women are on national tv looking like this.

The criminals are a lot different than years back. They stand there and argue with the police, then get righteously indignant when the police want to pat them down. Don't forget that everybody's a lawyer. When the guy in his house fires a gun and the police taze him and carry him away, he's screaming the entire time that they didn't have a warrant to enter his house. This guy screamed at the top of his lungs for about 15 minutes. The producer of the show, who apparently hates his audience, kept the cameras rolling the entire time. I have to give the police credit for not tazing a large percentage of people they meet. This is precisely why I'm not allowed to have a taser.

I also found out that everybody is related, cops and criminals. Everybody calls everybody else 'bro'. Ok, mostly the men. Some lady called the police because somebody parked in her spot and is disrespecting her. It's a great thing it's not illegal to be an asshole: we'd have to triple the number of police on the streets.

Here's one tip: you can get out of a strip search if you defecate all over yourself.

• I was minding my business when I got a picture in text. It's my best friend, standing next to Jeff Lynne, of ELO.  People around me live very exciting lives. I make shit up and put it on a blog.
• I take that back: a couple of porn stars follow me on Twitter. [@leftystrat]

Today was another one of those days.

You know them.... the days where something doesn't go right, then nothing else goes right. It's kinda like a dark slapstick comedy that rolls downhill like a snowball, smashing at house at the bottom.

We're watching tv. Wife decides to go up for a nap. I decide to stretch out on the sofa for my own nap. Just as I drift off, Wife comes down the steps. We watch 10 minutes of tv and Wife goes up for another nap. I dare not try again because she'll be down again. Watching her nap is like watching a tennis ball. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up Down. The joke is always on me because she doesn't sleep.

I need breakfast, because it's getting close to 2pm. In the kitchen is leftover pizza, which I can't wait to eat. Oops, the ants have won this battle. You do NOT screw with a man's pizza, especially this pizza. I killed each one of them individually, using different methods. The real problem here is how to discourage other ants from trying this sort of thing. The Mongols would cut off their enemies' heads and put them on posts at the city limits, as a warning to anyone else who would try it. Have you ever tried to cut off 100 ants' heads? And put them on posts, as a warning to any other ants who might try it? Maybe if I staple them to the pizza box.

I go back to the couch and immediately kick something very heavy, creating pain in my foot worse than the pain developing in my head. Why was it in the way? Because we moved it. No matter where we move something, one of us will kick it or trip over it. If we nailed it to the ceiling, we'd find a way to trip over it.

I want a bigass tablet, but they're prohibitively expensive. I have my old first generation large tablet, which I retrieved. Annnnd there's no charging cable. This was back when every company used their own cables. I saw this cable within the last 2 weeks, so naturally I couldn't find it. I looked where I put all the cables I find. Nope. It was difficult to see because my house has no natural light. It's so bright you'll burn out your eyes if you go outside, but most of my house is black. The house was designed by someone with one of those diseases where they can't get sun or they'll develop herpes or something. As a consequence, the windows were placed so the sun won't shine in the house unless it rises in the north and sets in the south. We used to have this really cool halogen lamp that lit up the entire floor. They were made illegal because they fell over and started fires. I'm perfectly willing to take that chance, but nooooo. You can't buy a 200w bulb anymore, so unless I want to have 12 lamps in my living room, I'm screwed. So Wife gives me one of her 427 flashlights; the only one she can find. As soon as I point it where I need to look, it flickers. Of course it flickers, it's a super bright LED flashlight. Technology has definitely improved our lives.. the bulbs can flicker much longer these days.

Turning around, I tripped over my shoes.

I took a pause to reflect and for inspiration, at which point a large Styrofoam package fell on my head. I'm doing well - I haven't killed anyone in a long time. I switch on the small halogen light, which is very efficient. It gets so hot, it could cook the (ant-covered) pizza in the kitchen. It smells because dust lands on it. Well, dust plus the shade I made out of the skulls of my enemies. Giving up, I decide to heat something in the oven. On the way to the kitchen, I kicked something...

What is today's lesson? 

It's harder to remember your medicine on weekends. 

And make sure that when you put the heads of enemies on posts, the posts are UL approved for use in your city.

• I get more entertainment from ticket companies than some of the acts they promote. Today's was Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Evening. Right under that was the music of Michael Jackson vs. Justin Timberlake. 
• I'm going to give Jason Bonham a pass: his father was John Bonham, of Led Zeppelin. When the Zep played the O2 center in England, Jason played drums. So you figure if he played with Led Zeppelin, he might be good. However, and there's always a however, the music of Michael Jackson vs. Justin Timberlake? And you have to pay to watch it? No, this is obviously a leftover April Fools joke. People who aren't Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake are going to dress up and sing their songs, in some sort of competitive game, and you are expected to fork over money to watch it? What a cruel joke....

Speaking of cruel jokes, RIP Senator John McCain (R-Hell). I am repeatedly reminded not to speak ill of the dead. Repeatedly. So I'll just say that the good senator never met a country that wouldn't look better with bombs falling on it. Lockheed paid tribute to him publicly and immediately regretted it. Because John was a Class A Warmonger, billions went to Lockheed. Of course they regret his passing.

• Next time you're around people (a place I try not to be), try this one out: "That's not your real nose."

Inventions, Stats, and Outright Lies

Speaking of anniversaries, ThermionicEmissions is coming up on a big one: at the end of this month, it will be a year and a half since the last comment on the blog.  Sure, lefty, bitch at the people who are brave and nice enough to read the blog in the first place.

• Speaking of Portugal, we had a mad rush last week from Canada. Heh heh. Get it? Rush from Canada? No, seriously, lots of Canadian visitors. And one from Portugal.
• Don't ask me - I just read the stats and look at the pretty colored charts.

The Great Ant Battle of 2018 continues. They show up in weird places... you'd think they'd go after food, which is what insects (and little brothers) do. Not these ants. These guys are after something else. The only problem is that no one has any idea what it is.

Sure, they'll show up where there's food... that's easy. But we find them in the bathrooms. I found them in my office. Nothing alive or dead is in my office, with the possible exception of me. No food, no ancient dog treats, no decaying former guests, and definitely NO dessicated local tax assessors. The only organic matter in that room is occasionally ME. I hope they're not after me, like most other things in the universe.

Maybe some nefarious entity has spliced in some African Killer Bee DNA, rendering the ants nasty, with a taste for blood. A theory about assassination ants is no more strange than any other theory (especially for this blog). 

Somebody told the wife that where there's one ant, there's a ton of ants you can't see. She takes this to heart, so when she sees one, she puts on her Sherlock Holmes hat, with 2 brims, so you can't tell whether she's coming or going, and does some deteckin' work, hunting down the little $&@^ers. One day they appeared to be coming from the dishwasher. She actually spent a while tracing them back. It's a good thing the cabinets are firmly attached to the walls or I'd be even more afraid to go in the kitchen. Then she pulls out the Big Guns... an industrial size yellow gallon container of Everything Killer, with an actual pump and spray gun. It's extremely effective for killing ants. It's also extremely effective at stinking, so you need to plan your strategy carefully. Except for last night, when she found about two hundred of them, having a party in the bedroom. I don't know about you, but if I'm not having a party in the bedroom, no one else is either. She fired, ridding the place of live ants. Did I mention this was the bedroom? In which we sleep? Which was now unfit for human habitation... even Monsanto wouldn't come within a mile of the house. They know why too.

The other gun is some sort of natural ant killer which is harmless to humans, dogs, and sometimes ants. I kid - it works about as well as the yellow gallon, and somehow manages to smell almost as bad. How do natural ingredients manage to smell like chemicals? Maybe the manufacturer added a chemical scent so the customers would think it was working. And now I'm finding a few on my desk. And on my left leg only. Even natural spray isn't all that good for computers and stuff, so it can't be deployed. In some cases it would be nice to say the only interesting thing in the room is me, but not this time.

The prevailing theory is the ungodly amount of rain we've had lately. It's the prevailing theory because no one brought up another theory.  I really need to get some picture of her kills. There was the Battle of the Drying Rack, where thousands died.  The Battle of the Upstairs Bathroom, where bodies flew far and wide. The Battle of the Kitchen Molding, where hundreds were marching, on the way to some top secret target. The aforementioned Battle of the Bedroom, where the casualties were beyond counting. The most senseless slaughter happened during the Battle of the Downstairs Bathroom Molding on the Outside of the Bathroom. I may not be an ant (I'm not...really) but I can't figure out what's so wonderful about molding. You know what they say: it's not the destination, it's the journey.

The latest news involves the Battle of the Office. A favorite internet suggestion was to interrupt their reproduction, as opposed to killing them outright.  We bought a rather large box of this stuff, hoping for some relief. How in the known universe does one apply 5,000 ant condoms?

So we returned that box (Amazon is really good with returns) and went to Plan B; the Morning Before Pill. A trap is set, with micro doses of Ambien. The ants eat it, and immediately become confused, then head off to dreamland. At some point they wake up, whether they know it or not, and become so disoriented, all six legs start moving in different directions. If they manage to find their pad, they go in and stumble about for a while, eventually passing out in their little ant beds. Or on the floor. When they finally arise, the Ambien has rendered them sterile so no more ants. The moral of the story is to stay away from Ambien, lest you become confused and sterile.

• How to stop your smart tv from tracking you. This goes over how to stop your information from leaking, featuring instructions covering several brands.

Work

So I'm enjoying the hell out of my new job, which is exactly like my old job, only with a different name on the checks.  This is a job in which a brain comes in handy. Rarely is any day like any other. But no matter how hard or different the job is, nothing comes close to the overwhelm and sheer terror of benefits selections. There are more health insurances than I've ever seen. With all sorts of bizarre names, having nothing to do with anything identifiable. I made a point of asking if they cover pets, hoping that I'd be employed after asking. No, they do not. How many times have you had to decide between a lot of insurers? It took four days to get up the steam to start looking at them. Wife asked me why I was shaking my head. Apparently I do that when I'm disgusted. Don't ask me - I can't see me when I'm doing it. If you have a shortcut to making this less of a herculean task, please share it with us. Otherwise you have to go through each insurance and figure out what they cover. There's a compare button online, that lets you compare up to three insurers. Three. You still have to figure out if they will cover your specific needs. After what felt like four weeks, but was in fact three weeks, I made a selection. I should have done this weeks ago. I closed my eyes and pointed to a spot on the screen, choosing the insurance under my index finger. Statistically this produces better results than making huge spreadsheets, especially when you can't remember all the shortcuts and commands for spreadsheets. Of course I'm kidding.. I asked my coworker what he has and selected that. 

I have a great dental plan. In fact I've had a great dental plan at the last three jobs, but don't use it because I'm terrified to go there. Since I'm telling on myself, I might as well admit I don't go to the doctor either. I'm not terrified of the doctor, so I have no idea why I don't go. It definitely doesn't have anything to do with the serious lack of very attractive medical assistants, no sir. I can even let them take blood without passing out (me, hopefully not them). Maybe I'm just ridiculously healthy and my body knows it, keeping me from wasting time (and that nice doctor with the gloved finger...at least he says he's a doctor). Ok, ok, I'll go this year; I promise. I've had the same blood slip for five years. I should ask for a new one...the labs probably stopped doing some of those tests. And I ain't letting no one near my cervix until I find out what a cervix is.

Please don't make me look at the life insurance or whatever the hell those other forms are for. Maybe I'll ask Benefits to pick them for me and buy the department some pizza.

It's a nice place to work, provided you don't have any computer problems. I've been in computers for all of my life, so I'm somewhat familiar with them. They're large purple things, the size of a trailer park. Very Smart People set up these computers so the users can't mess with them. This scheme has saved the company millions in User Assisted Screwups and viruses. Unfortunately, anything that goes wrong requires someone with the correct permissions to assist you. The only people with the correct permissions are the good people at the service desk. But you have to put in a service ticket first. The service desk has four hours to contact you. They forgot to put the 2 in front of the 4. Every time something breaks, we do the Service Dance. I put in a service ticket, then email, call, and text them. They always get back to me within 72 hours. Right about 72 hours every time, during which I am working with a broken or seriously disabled computer. I asked my boss about this one day. He didn't seem at all surprised about this. Apparently it's institutional. Not getting my work done is also institutional, judging from some of my coworkers. I'm old school - I don't get this. Plus I used to do this work.

I don't want to get down on the department; I had enough of that when I did it. The techs are all nice and helpful. This points to Manglement. Perhaps gross understaffing. I really don't care - I just want my friggin computer fixed (jackass). After waiting 72 hours, they managed to fix it. For damn near an hour. I called, phoned, and texted them to let them know. Expecting another 72 hours, they pleasantly surprised me by only making me wait 24 hours. This also failed to fix the problem. They're going to try again tomorrow. Or at least that's what they told me.  Maybe it's their fault after all... they have this 24/7 party/orgy happening, which they leave every 6 hours to take a call and promise something they have no intention of delivering. Sure - we'll get with you first thing in the morning and get you all fixed up. Yesterday, first thing in the morning was 1pm. The thing that upsets me most is not getting invited to their parties.

• We received another card from the vet. A donation has been made In Marshall's name to the University of Pennsylvania's Animal Hospital and teaching facility; number one in the area.
• his spirit, personality, and fight touched a lot of people.

We're on a list for another rescue dog, because we didn't learn the first time. Or the second time. Or even the third time. The house is so empty. If we don't do something now, this blog truly will document my journey into madness, as joked about earlier.

Way way back, before any of us were born, cocker spaniels split off into American cockers and English cockers. Americans are the smallest sporting breed, at up to 28 lbs or so. They have short snouts and a merry temperament. English cockers are larger, taller, and more broad, with a longer snout and the same merry temperament. We're on the list for an English cocker. I had one when I was a little terror. Looked almost exactly like this guy:

English cocker in "blue roan"

young American cocker in black

Airport Facts

A fascinating program I saw a bit of was on people moving in airports. Apparently someone sat in airports and observed people. On coming across people walking at them, Asians move to the right and Europeans move to the left. If they're coming at each other, they crash.

They also went into signage. The fellow in charge of signs said "Less is more".
From my two years of high school math:

If less=more then more=less
More air over the plane wing causes less pressure = lift
Plane lift = flying
Flying = cramped seating with screaming infants and a little bastard kicking the back of your seat
Cramped seating = a bad experience, possibly involving cramps
A bad experience = a worse experience picking up your baggage
Difficulty picking up your bags = hostility to airport personnel
Therefore: less=more creates airport personnel fatalities, so keep the food and souvenirs at affordable prices.


The average human hands carry 100 species of bacteria, requiring a war against disease outbreaks.

The runway's biggest problem is birds, which can cause fatal outcomes if they get sucked into the plane's engines, not to mention what the bird feels when shredded by a humongous Rolls Royce airplane engine.  Remember Sully, the pilot who landed his plane in the Hudson River? He had no engines because of bird strikes. My solution: use imprisoned gang members to shoot at them. It's a win-win and a much better shot (sorry) at criminal rehabilitation. It would also be less expensive than designing a laser-guided bird annihilator, assuming the military doesn't already have one.

Or they could rid the place of mice, which attract foxes and birds, which hunt the little $&#ers.

• As if the food weren't enough to keep you away, fast food restaurants are using facial recognition 'to remember how you like your burger'. It's almost everywhere, even in Walmart's parking lots. Mall stores are also using surveillance techniques, whether they're detecting your phone or your face combined with your purchase.
• The main need for remembering who you are is so the restaurant can remember how to screw up your order uniformly.
• Facial recognition software isn't all that accurate, especially on black people. So if you go anywhere with this software, make sure you identify as black.

Renting a Life

The phone rings.
This is never a good sign.
Wife wants to know if I want the bad news or the really bad news.
I told you it wasn't a good sign.

Unable to pull over on the turnpike in time, the dog decorated the car seat.
Lovely.
And speaking of the car, it was running very strangely and the Check Engine light was on. This car simply doesn't do that. By the way, the call was coming from two and a half hours away, in Outer Mongolia.

Outer Mongolia was less than convenient for most of us, especially as I needed to perform some job-related errands the following day and the mechanic was near home.

I had to rent a car. Jinkies.
The company that picks you up was the only choice.
I got an Altima, through very little choice of my own.
The largest surprise is that there are no dogs allowed. NO DOGS? Fortunately Marshall doesn't think he's a dog, so that won't be a problem.

My personal car is a thing of beauty, generating no problems. Because of its age, it has none of the things people today are used to. I don't even have an AUX in on the stereo.

The rental had stuff I'd never seen before. These lights kept going on and off. It took me a while to figure out they were 'radar' to tell me there was a car coming up on that side. Great invention. The two zone air conditioning was handy, as Wife prefers arctic air and I prefer to drive in a less than icy state.

I never knew about this, but when you shift into reverse, there's a tv on the dash! The only problem is why should a tv be wasted running only in reverse. And I hate to say this, but the programming was total crap. It was largely about streets and curbs. The audio seemed to be broken.

When you see car commercials, you'll notice there's very little about the actual car: it's more about stupid features and the stereo.  And there was a stereo in this car. It had many controls, which probably makes car buyers orgasmic or terrified. It had buttons and the buttons had buttons. It was a complete nightmare of user hostility. Hooking my phone to it was a delicate dance, but you'll be happy to know nothing got broken, went airborne, or got punched. For some reason it wanted permissions to my messages, which wasn't working for me. There were a few other phones listed.. when I get some time, I'll find the info they left in the car. The long and short of this is the thrill I got, not having to listen to the radio. I got to hear my own music. Yes, this is normal for everyone with recent cars; it's just new to me.

On the other hand, this car's seats hurt our backs. It probably had a tiny engine because it couldn't get out of its own way. The ride allowed us to experience every nuance of the road. In English this means "it's really goddamn bumpy." So our 'old' car blew the very new car away. Fortunately the engine light went out in our car. Everybody knows there's nothing wrong with a car when the check engine light goes out. We can all breathe easier.

A friend related a story about a new car stereo. His wife's new car had all sorts of complex gadgets. She found a button labeled HD. Enthused by High Definition, she switched on the obvious satellite radio and noticed that they played all her favorite music. They played entire CDs of her favorite music. A tiny amount of detective work by my friend revealed that HD stands for Hard Drive, and it played the favorite music because it recorded the CDs she played.



The FBI and other sources are raising the alarm over a type of router malware, called VPNfilter. This can take over your router and potentially be used in a botnet. The long and short of it is that you need to update the firmware in your router and reboot it. Firmware tells the device how to operate. However, trying to get owners to do anything even vaguely security-related is advanced dentistry, like pulling teeth. You should be updating the firmware periodically anyway, and definitely now, whether or not your router is on the possible list. In addition, here are five tips to protect your router.

• Can't Kill This: a Texas man killed a snake while gardening. When he went to get rid of the head, it bit him. He was rushed to the hospital, where it appears he will recover. This is definitely one for Science to study.
• It's also the last time his wife will place two deadly snakes in their yard.

They're baaaaaaack!
The ants.
No idea what's going on here but the past few years have been Ant Crazy<tm>. We used to think it reflected on the cleanliness of the occupants but that was dispelled when the antiseptic OCD micro-cleaning ladies on either side of us got them; one in her tub.

So if you happen to be visiting, never mind Mrs lefty, who is prowling the house with her holster. In one slot is ant spray. In the other slot is pet-friendly ant spray. She has her hands over the spray cans, ready to DRAW at a moment's notice. She hunts stealthily, so those stupid ants won't hear her silent stomping. When she finds them, there's the initial WHOOOOOOOSH, as she sprays them, but the fun's only beginning....  now it's time for Tracking. One cannot just kill the ants - one must track them to their source. See where they came from and how they got into the house. This is Grade A Detective Work, or, as we call it, deteckin.  I dare not open cabinets, lest I find our current supply of ant spray is taking over the house.

When all the (visible) ants have gone to meet their maker, it's time to hunt MOTHS. We did a credible job of eradicating the little buggers, but every now and then we see one. If we're eating, I manage to continue, but not Wild West Mrs lefty. She puts her fork down with a crash, reaches for anything in a aerosol can, and LETS LOOSE. I will not speculate on why there's always an aerosol can handy. If, heaven forbid, there's no aerosol can around, she leaps into action, throwing herself in the general direction of the moth, and clapping her hands together so fast I can't see it happen. Can you imagine dinner with the family, discussing how everyone's day went, when all of the sudden Mommy leaps out of her chair, into the air, and dispatches a moth before gravity acts upon her body?  She's like the Bionic Moth Hunter. All she needs is a Steve Irwin accent and some khaki clothes.

• A soldier has been arrested after stealing an armored vehicle and giving police a two hour tour of Virginia. They were very specific that it was not a tank, for some reason. Naturally, pictures appeared across social media.
• I'd check to see if Joe Walsh wasn't back on the sauce...

According to a Pew Research Center poll:

Almost seven-in-ten Americans (68%) feel worn out by the amount of news there is these days

So we better get on this and cut down the amount of stuff happening.

• Hey - are you on myheritage.com? Data on more than 92 million users were exposed in a breach on October 26, 2017, reported June 4, 2018, because they just learned about it.  Nice job, guys.

Aside from Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, what are Men in Black?
They're are a real phenomenon, occurring after UFO sightings. Out of nowhere, two or more men, typically dressed in black but might also be a uniform, show up at your door. They look like something out of the 50s: black coat, black suit, sunglasses, black hat, getting out of a large, old car, and something wrong. Like a facial feature being a little off. Various things have been reported, including hypnosis, threats of bodily harm if the person talks, telling him he never saw anything, and plain old asking what he saw.

They haven't changed in years and years, since they were first reported. There is audiotape of several people who were visited, as well as stories. There is at least one picture of one of them.

Many possible explanations exist as to who or what they are: our government, desperate to know if 'someone' is visiting. Somebody else from somewhere else. How do they know you were just visited or had a close sighting? Some say in addition to alleged extraterrestrial UFOs, there are ARVs - Alien Reproduction Vehicles, which our government made from capturing and reverse-engineering crashed UFOs. Some of these are alleged to be able to swoop in and abduct people. Since we're veering way off known reality, let's add the theory that the pilots of the (not ours) UFOs are US from the future. I don't know about you, but I don't want to 'evolve' into a Gray.

I have no answers. Just creating more questions.

• Did you buy any of those CloudPets for your kids? The kids record a message and it goes in The Cloud? Last year, more than half a million people had their information exposed.  16 months later, they're being pulled for the shelves by the stores, over concerns that were never addressed. Bluetooth vulnerabilities discovered were ignored. The manufacturer never responded to emails. The parent company, Spiral Toys, went out of business last year. This is the future, people.
• There is yet another Adobe Flash flaw, addressed by an emergency fix. Do the update, folks.

If you lived around 1880, you might run an ad for a wife:

Chance for a spinster. A young man in Aroostook County, Maine, advertising for a wife, speaks of himself as follows: "I am eighteen years old, have a good set of teeth, and believe in Andy Johnson, the star spangled banner, and the 4th of July. I have taken up a State lot, cleared up eighteen acres last year, and seeded ten of it down. My buckwheat looks first-rate and the oats and potatoes are bully. I have got nine sheep, a two year old bull, and two heifers, besides a house and barn. I want to get married. I want to buy bread-and-butter, hoop-skirts, and waterfalls for some person of the female persuasion during life. That's what's the matter with me. But I don't know how to do it."

If he posted this on Faceyspaces, he could have his choice of hundreds of thousands of women, almost immediately.

• Scientists developed Norman, the Artificial Intelligence. They wanted to turn Norman into a psychopath, so they fed it some of Reddit. POOF - Instant Psychopath - just add Reddit!

A lot of people ask me how they can be safe online.
I look off into the distance, thoughtfully, and tell them, "Don't go online."

• new Hallmark card: Sorry I Gave You Chlamydia

Years ago, I was asked to look into a product offered by a huge pc manufacturer, that would analyze firewall traffic. So I called, and the salesdude told me I'd have to forward our traffic to them for analysis. I told the guy our data doesn't leave the building. He acted surprised and got annoyed with me, like I was the crazy one. Remember: if you can no longer touch your data, it's no longer yours.

• Dear Mr. Cameraman: when the guitar solo starts, be sure to focus in on the drummer.

Here's an uplifting story: the story of Badfinger.

You might remember them from "Day After Day", "Come and Get It", "Baby Blue", and "Without You". Pete Ham was the band's chief songwriter and singer. They played locally, eventually getting seen and signed to Apple Records, as the first band. Paul McCartney and George Harrison produced the band and helped out. Stardom followed. "Without You" was covered by everybody from Harry Nilsson to Frank Sinatra. They were all over the charts, touring America and back to England.

And there was no money.

They were hoodwinked by unscrupulous financial people. Eventually the record company wanted their advance back and the band was stopped cold. The guys were despondent. They couldn't get a new deal to pull themselves out. Pete Ham hung himself.

Tommy Evans, bassist and Pete's cowriter, went downhill. He had tax problems and a lawsuit. Eight years after Pete's death, Tommy hanged himself. There were various albums with various members between and after the deaths.

Guitar player Tommy Molland, brought in after the first album was recorded, is touring as Tommy Molland's Badfinger.

All that great music plus the music that never came...

• and when my life is over, remember when we were together, we were alone and I was singing this song to you - Leon Russell

Daytime TV Causes More Suicides Than Depression

My wife watches daytime tv.
I cannot begin to describe the horrors. Unless you've spent even a day watching, you do not understand the sheer torture involved.

Broadcast tv went to hell years back, with radio. There's absolutely nothing of value, with the possible exception of news, and even that's questionable.  Things seem to go in blocks, starting with news at some hour at which even plants (and ants) are still sleeping. Then it goes to Yack Shows, where one or groups of women talk about celebrities, including Wendy Williams; an exceedingly tall woman with 400 wigs and humongous breast implants. You never see her and Frankenstein in the same room, but I shall go no further. The only thing worse than this gossip hound is her mind-controlled audience, whose entire output consists of drooling and "WOO WOO." Then a couple of non-caucasian women yack about celebrities and all talk at the same time. Then a huge block of Judge Shows, including Judge Judy, who is the rudest woman on tv and an incredibly negative Jewish stereotype. These go on for hours, with anyone who can fit into a robe raining down justice on some of the dimmest bulbs ever to appear in court. It's not fair to expect people to have a college degree (I couldn't pass the drinking exam) but most of these people don't have high school degrees. If they do, all of them failed grammar. Four times. They might not have left high school til they were twenty five, several days before they appeared on the show.

In between and around the March of the Stupid are the 'movies'. Because there is nothing on tv and because there isn't an original thought left in tv (or movies or music), new stations are popping up (like vicious weeds you cannot kill). They are probably taking advantage of copyright lapses and airing the absolute worst crap you can imagine: black and white war movies, 1970s television shows, and the real mind-blower - an entire network devoted to 70s game shows.

Wife is fascinated with history, with a special emphasis on those wacky and wild nazis. I don't claim to understand this and probably don't want to. As a result, there are frequently nazi movies on tv. You know - the family friendly, touching nazi movies. But do not despair.. non-nazi war movies are good too, provided they're black and white. Were people black and white in the forties? When war is temporarily over, the 'classic' black and whites start, with murder mysteries and stories of men loving unhinged women and someone killing someone else for the money.  One network picks ten of these gems, perhaps throwing in a 70s or 70s or 80s horrid period classic (in color!), and runs them all month. I don't even watch this crap and can recognize some of the lines. Wife, who has the attention span of a fly and the continuity of an infant, can watch this delightful deluge of mediocrity each time, with it being new each time.

So I sit there, diligently doing something horribly important on my computer, and being forced to listen to this drivel.

Don't forget the commercials! 1-800-SUE! If you've been injured, experience death, have mesothilioma, or transvaginal mesh, there are altruistic guardians of what is right called lawyers. You may be entitled to a cash reward and these folks are right there to help you. After you're done litigating, there are about fourteen variations of the Need Cash Now commercial, which run til you want to get all stabby with close family members. Finally, you can get paid to take care of your very sick relatives or be a cosmetologist. Both require silly outfits.

I have to admit it's fascinating to look at bits of 70s tv, to see how far we've come in production and technology (and writing - my God). Of all shows, CHIPS (remember that?) has absolutely the best car crashes we have ever seen, bar none. Today's car crashes cannot hold a candle (or a flamethrower) to these. The entire freeway winds up littered with completely smashed up hulks of 70s Land Yachts. The world could probably do without Rockford Files, Quincy, and the rest of the 'programming,' especially the torturous Murder, She Wrote, which runs two episodes, for the specific purpose of getting viewers to change the channel to some other mind-eating network. Like the Game Show Network. Can you imagine watching Jeopardy from 1974? The host and all of the contestants have been dead for 20 years. If you don't watch out, you might join them.

• We are still fighting the Great Ant War of 2017 but it appears the ants have decided to stop sending soldiers to the front. We're getting stragglers. Perhaps they found a better target. What could ants possibly want in a bathroom. A tub area? I hope they went to visit the Crazy Lady, although I suspect even they are terrified of her. If the ants ever take over, only she will be left standing.

Police are getting bodycams that identify places and people. The manufacturer, Motorola, claims it's not facial recognition, it's object recognition. Yeah, ok.  This is all ok, though, because it's for the children. No, really, they're tugging heartstrings because it can look for missing children. Heaven help us. When this gets loose, which it will, it will only get worse. Let's see... my state has facial recognition on drivers licenses. Wanna bet.....

While we're at it, there's a critical flaw in Segway Hoverboards, making them vulnerable to cyberattacks. There you are, Michael J. Fox, on your hoverboard, when some wag cyberchild hijacks the local surveillance camera to watch what happens when he turns the hoverboard upside down, hurtling you to the sidewalk. Seven minutes later, it's uploaded to Faceyspaces.

• Google is using your entire search history to create a personalized news feed. Although there are certain things you can do to minimize what Google knows about you, the best way is to stop using it. Duckduckgo is the way to go.

Pennsylvania is reporting ninety billion hacking attempts against it last year. There is no information available about how they arrived at this number, but it looks to be in reaction to scores of reports that they were hacked during the election. Let's ignore the fact that this breach might have something to do with the last election (seriously?). PA does want us to rest assured there is no evidence of the Russians hacking into the voting machines. No evidence at all. Nothing to see here - go on home.

I suspect the total number was arrived at by taking the number of stop signs in the state and dividing it by the number of pet squid belonging to the residents in the state. The resulting number is multiplied by that year's state deficit and added to the governor's salary. This number is divided by the number of strip clubs visited by state employees with state funds. See - easy as PI.

• A Canadian family had some interesting luck the other day. They were having some ice cream when someone bit into something, later identified as a catheter. The ice cream company charged them extra for the medical device, the health system had the police arrest them for using an unprescribed medical device and, being Canadian, the family apologized.

If English managed to produce a lot of words that had the first and second letter capitalized, I'd be the fastest typist on the planet.

• Senator John McCain has been diagnosed with brain cancer at the Mayo Clinic. ThermionicEmissions wishes him good health. He has already introduced legislation to bomb the clinic.  
• No, it's never too soon.

A Florida man, upset that AT&T trucks were parked on his property, asked them to move. Apparently he was not satisfied with the answer because he came back with a gun, shot out all four tires on one truck, walked to the other truck, reloaded, and shot out each of those tires too. He also shot out a radiator and into the body of a truck. In the obligatory interview with the neighbor, who only spoke Spanish (because this is Florida, US), he was such a nice guy.

In unrelated news, AT&T has ordered all of its employees to take an intensive two week course in what is a driveway and what isn't a driveway, as well as in which you should park the truck. So far there has been an eighty percent fail rate.

• Internet of Things Strikes Again: Alexa, everybody's favorite in-home listening device, got remotely updated so now its users are part of Amazon's Social Network.  You upload your contacts to the mobile app and everything gets thrown into the network, including the pool guy, some person you helped with their computer, people you don't remember, and your car mechanic. All of these people can add you. You can add them. If you don't like them, there was no way to block, but Amazon fixed that. If you want out, you have to call an actual person to be unsubscribed.
• As one would expect, Alexa users aren't really concerned. Ho-hum.

The dog did everything but sit on my head this morning in bed. He did walk up, plop down on my pillow, and proceeded to pant and whine, about five minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off. No one set the dog for that time, so it was annoying. When I went to let him out, he went and slept by the door in the other direction. I thought the poor little bugger wanted to go out, get some breakfast, or some meds... no - he woke me up so he could sleep in a different place. You tell me who is running the house.

I Debate Your Position(s)

Reminder to change your Yahoo password. If you haven't, everybody else has it now.

• See that debate? Me either.  Useless pageantry. I can't stand the sound of two people lying. IIRC, Kennedy beat Nixon due to smoothness.
• There is a lot of arguing about who won the debate. Know who lost? The American people.

A very discrete, classy man was caught banging his girlfriend on a Greyhound bus. This is kind of the sort of thing one would expect from Greyhound, in addition to riding next to people who think they're Jesus or some other Major Religious Figure. Don't ask how I know. From the article, it's difficult to figure out whether the perceived offense is that he's having boom boom on a bus or that he didn't bother to pull her panties down. If the latter, I would argue that this is a much handier solution for a quickie on a public accommodation (or in someone's house where you shouldn't be). Of course this is all hearsay... I haven't been in this position. In fact, I haven't been in many positions, especially lately.

• The Bill Clinton Correlation: If it moves, nail it. If it doesn't move, nail it. And leave a stain to prove dominance.

Austrian customs officials found human intestines in a woman's luggage. She probably didn't know there were any laws against this sort of thing.

• In what must be a very important study, it was discovered that ants prefer morphine over sugar. As you'd expect, I'd go for sugar every time, as would the wife and dog.

If you us the Opera browser, the latest version includes a VPN.  This is a handy little security feature that will disguise your real IP address and location, as well as block tracking cookies. It can also allow you to get around some of the location-based blocking, such as the BBC allowing only UK to connect.

FINE PRINT: as the article explains, this is a VPN for the browser only. Anything else (email) you send through your connection will not go through the VPN. There's also the little matter of your data going through Opera's servers. I haven't been able to find anything on privacy policy or what/if they're examining anything. I did try it the other day and it works. Just don't go using it thinking you can hack away or Do Dirty Deeds while you're 'hidden'.

FINER PRINT: many browsers these days are based on Chrome (Iron, Chromium, Opera, and something new that begins with V). Chrome has a privacy issue, as it's Google code and it 'phones home'. Most people don't care, but naturally I do. Opera (and I believe the rest) are incredible memory hogs. They start ok then tend to suck up huge amounts of RAM over time. Ymmv but it IS a speedy little browser that accepts all Chrome extensions. I keep Firefox locked down and use Opera in a more open configuration.

• Here are 5 tools to help defend yourself online in terms of privacy. I use some different extensions but this is a great starting point. The EFF is a great resource.

Somehow reproductive scientists made a three-parent baby. What's next - group babies? Four parents and a dog? Giraffe babies bred specifically for basketball?

• Elon Musk, famous for being rich and having a very strange name and accent, announced that he wants to get humans to Mars, evenutally on a six month schedule. Mr Musk, I applaud you and have some suggestions on who to send.

Dancing with the Stars Live! is coming to a venue near me. I hope they have ambulances on hand to get help for the people slitting their own wrists.

• Dubai grounded all flights for half an hour because of unauthorized drone activity. Because it takes a special kind of idiot to fly a drone over an airport. I wonder if the special kind of idiot was us....

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH
An Australian man using a portable toilet on a building site was bitten by a venemous spider on his penis. For the second time. This dude might want to give up construction. Or Australia.

• A British conservationist is making a 4,500 mile paramotor flight following migrating swans. Apparently she has absolutely no life. Or she's married.

I have an adverse relationship with mornings.

• Once again, those wacky far-seeing fiscally responsible folks in Congress passed a spending bill. This last minute effort, as usual, will keep the government 'operating' until December. This is a new low, even for Congress. And, of course, another increase in spending up the debt.

Non-partisan political observation: the democrats are incredibly nervous about Trump and libertarians. They're bringing out the Big Guns - tv 'news', tv, newspapers, and even Mr+Mrs President. My theory is that this is good for the dems but in reality, it's being run by the Powers That Be, who are terrified of a candidate they don't own. Also, when they have to go after libertarians, things must be pretty bad for them. It's also interesting to note that things are roughly tied at this point: the 'standard' candidates can't pull off a lead. People must really be PISSED for this to happen. Regardless of candidates, this situation is good for America. People are waking up.

• Our friends over at Samsung are having a really bad year: as if exploding phones weren't bad enough, there is now a lawsuit over exploding washing machines. Perhaps all of their products should come with a fire extinguisher.

The gay pride rainbow flag has been launched into space 'to spread peace' (perhaps because it has done such a great job on the ground). Perhaps we'd be better served by launching ISIS into space.

• The latest threat facing our country is..... clowns. I am not kidding. Reports of threatening clowns are coming in from all over the country. They're getting arrested by the police. Clownphobics (coulrophobia) rejoice! I'm surprised the politicians aren't getting Tough On Clowns.

if we just change the date, it's Congress!

Cocker Skunkiels and Other Assorted Fauna

My wife likes her fans.  So much, in fact, that I fear I have lost count of them.  Most recently a dual-fan unit appeared in the kitchen window.  This one must be truly advanced, as it has a bright red digital display, which is visible from across the house.  Why a bright red digital display is necessary (or even optional) on a fan, I cannot guess.

Fortunately I didn't have to guess.  Apparently this new-fangled dual-fan unit has a thermostat on it, with the temperature reading out on the display (which is visible from across the house).  Thrilled beyond belief, I asked if she set the temperature to sixty-five degrees, would it magically cool the house to sixty-five?  After all, we could get rid of those expensive air conditioners.

Apparently not, but my wife went on, ecstatic with her new purchase.  These fans really brought in the air, though.  I suppose they would really send out the air too, were they put into that mode.

I mention this strictly because the house started to smell really horrible last night after dark.  It was an odor most foul, incomparable to most other odors in my neighborhood (or outside of it).  After a few seconds, it started to register.... it smelled like a combination of skunk and motor vehicle accident.  I have smelled skunk before and this was worse; much worse.  Perhaps the skunk was driving the motor vehicle that got into the accident, I dunno...

After this olfactory assault started, I couldn't figure out what it was but I could figure out that something needed to be done at that moment, if not sooner.  It seems that my wife did, in fact, get a great deal on the fans, as they were doing an incredible job at bringing the horrid odor into the house.

I reasoned, correctly I assumed, that the fan would be of greater use turned off.  As it turned out, this was not going to be an easy state in which to put said fan.  In fact, like no fan I have ever seen, this one did not have a power switch.  It had all sorts of knobs and switches, like Temperature, Speed, and Stench Amplifier.  It was apparently operating in Stench Amplification Mode<tm>, as evidenced at very least by the fact that my eyes were watering and the room was moving in rather a more violent way than my kitchen is wont to do.

Right before I got out my spelunking gear to determine where the bleeding appliance was plugged in, I must have mistakenly hit the right button or knob and turned the thing off.  In the nick of time, as I was close to losing consciousness.

As the stench started to dissipate, Marshall the Terminally Cute Cocker decided it was time to go out.  Figuring the emergency was over, I let him out.

Marshall passed me on his way upstairs to lay with (some would say wake up) his mommy.  His mommy appeared downstairs in mere seconds, which is only the case when the cat trips her down the steps.  She was most terrified that Marshall had had a run-in with a skunk.  When I asked her to smell Marshall, she became satisfied that he had not, in fact, done battle with a striped cat from an old cartoon.  Unfortunately he did walk through the area of the battle, attaching a bit of a scent to a paw or something.  This became evident when the smell returned to the room at the same time as the dog.

My poor wife was kept up for thirty minutes with the near-impossible task of keeping Marshall off my pillow.  There's something tragically attractive about my pillow to Marshall.  This becomes a serious issue after Marshall goes for a swim in his pool (yes, Marshall has his own plastic pool, which he adores) and wants to snuggle with my pillow, making the bedsheets all sorts of damp in the process.  If the wife manages to keep him off the bed, the moment she dozes off, he senses it and leaps up.  It is very similar to Vulture Mode<TM>, where Marshall watches her eat.  The moment she gets up or turns her head, he leaps for whatever he can get.  Mind you, he's perfectly happy with a dirty napkin to shred, but he'd definitely prefer some meat, ice cream, or cat food (his Native American name is "Smells Like Cat Food").

In the end I won, as Marshall generally likes to sleep like a parachute or umbrella over his mom's head.

----------

The Skunk Issue cannot compare to the Ant Issue, though..... (how's that for a segue?)

Everybody I talk to tells me that they are having a terrible time with ants this summer.  I feel their pain.  I have never seen ants like this in the twenty years in our house.  They're flipping everywhere.  I finished a piece of fudge and put the wrapper down on the table next to me.  In twenty minutes, the thing was full of ants.  I'm finding ants in places there is no apparent food at all, like the upstairs bathroom (unless they're particularly fond of shampoo and body lotions, of which my wife has a small amount that will last long after the nuclear winter).

The ants have no fear of people either, as I frequently find them on my arm.  No idea what's so appetizing about my arm, although the cat frequently licks my hand.  I refer to this as him tenderizing me.  I prefer to have neither activity in my general vicinity, thank you very much.

My wife, who keeps an eye on this sort of thing, tells me that we have a skunk because we have red foxes.  We don't have bunnies because the red foxes ate them.  Are you taking notes?  There will be an oral quiz later.

I wonder what would happen if the ants met the skunk.   Whatever happens, I don't want it happening out back or anywhere near the fans.