State of the Blog Address

Blah blah blah.
Blah blah God blah blah family blah blah.
Blah blah blah Make Blog Great Again blah blah.

• One of the many benefits of living in my house is that it's never boring. No matter what time of day or night, what part of the house, or who's involved, there's no shortage of Sheer Fun. This morning I found a wife busily scrubbing a dark brown substance from the couch.
• Uh-oh.
• Apparently it all started with a 32oz cup of chocolate milk. The dog decided to 'help' by leaping up, causing the entire 32oz to do an experiment on the science of chocolate milk's suitability for flight.
• The results were so spectacular that we will be cleaning chocolate milk from a twenty foot radius of Ground Zero for days. Equipment across the room got splattered. Fortunately, at no point did Hawaii issue an incoming chocolate milk alert.
• The only thing that got spared was the dog, who just sat there and licked his paws.  [chocolate can be fatal for dogs]

I bitch a lot about the weather. I bitch a lot, period.

According to this morning's Weather for Idiots, it's much colder here than Minneapolis. Plus the Minnesotans are making fun of our accent.

I'm not kidding about Weather for Idiots: you get the temperature, but it's almost irrelevant: you are given the weather quality on a one-to-ten scale (the Eagles Forecast). Then there is a two dimensional character called Bus Stop Buddy, who shows up dressed in weather-appropriate clothing, standing at the bus stop. Even the dog complains that this is beneath his level.

Then there's Bother. Every news team has a Bother... the one member who instantly annoys everyone who watches. You wonder how this person is still employed until you come to the logical conclusion that they have pictures of Rupert Murdoch with midget donkeys and cream cheese. At least I hope that's cream cheese.

Bother makes people leap off their couches with the urge to kill him or her. Even people walking by the television. Neighbors. Cousins who don't even watch the news.  Our particular Bother is one of the aforementioned midgets, only this particular height-impaired human is also one of the Ritalin Children, who never outgrew (or medicated) his A.D.H.D.  He bounces around like a pinball, talking at top speed and top volume, torquing off 90% of the viewers. Unfortunately, he also has pictures of them with Rupert Murdoch (the donkeys refused). 

As if this weren't enough, two people appeared on the show with German Shepherd heads and two actual German Shepherds, dressed in Iggles t-shirts. I'm hoping the SPCA raids the set and arrests them for animal cruelty. That would be Must See TV.

There is some parlor in Philly giving out free Iggles tattoos.

The wife's Instant Analysis was that the lunacy hasn't begun - it's just ramping up exponentially. Win or lose, the city is going to have to do more than grease the light poles this time.


And the city managed to get through it with only a few fires, store windows smashed, and turning-over of cars, sometimes onto other cars. It just goes to show that Los Angeles and Chicago aren't the only places that can throw a good riot.

• Everyone's celebrating Dem Iggles winning the Superbowl in their own way.  One man, exemplifying Philly, bent down and scooped up some horse manure. Instead of hurling it into the crowd or setting it on fire, he ate it. The crowd cheered. His wife got an emergency restraining order and is reportedly looking for a 'good Philly lawyer' for her divorce.
• The Ritz-Carlton's awning collapsed because people were standing on it.
• Macy's and TMobile's windows were smashed. Nothing was taken. When asked for comment, a bystander (who swears he had NOTHING to do with the windows) was quite  offended at the suggestion that Philadelphians loot. "In Philly," he said, "we do not loot. We set our own cars, or someone's cars, on fire and flip them onto other cars."
• The police were out on horseback, but were unable to trample and of the revelers. Their parents would be ashamed, if they weren't helping them turn the cars over.
• To show they were good sports and there were no hard feelings, the crowd chanted FUCK TOM BRADY!
• Although the light poles were greased (11 knocked down), those unstoppable fans managed to get up there anyway. The Army has representatives in Philly today to study how hard a head has to be to ignore grease. "It's amazing none of them demonstrated the ability to hover," said Sergeant Stedenko. 
• The city's top cop took a bottle to the back of his head. He said he was proud to get stitches because the Phillies made it to England.
• Quote from New York Post: Philadelphia was on fire, in some cases literally...
• There will be a parade.  This will not end well.  I will be the only one at work.
• Philadelphia schools, public and parochial, will be closed, so they can see the historical parade. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if Philly could get anything else organized as quickly as this? And if schools taught something useful, instead of sports? 

• In case you don't fully understand how America was screwed by Congress, which just authorized the NSA to collect all of our communications without a warrant, here's a very good explanation from security expert Bruce Schneier. In essence, the NSA is now legally allowed to do what they've been doing all along. Edward Snowden's head just exploded. Next time a member of Congress complains about something, remember what they authorized.

Best Headline, US Edition: One in 10 Americans think HTML is a sexually-transmitted disease, study finds. One in four think MP3 is a Star Wars robot. One in three think computer viruses are transmissible to humans.

• Today I learned: there is a person named Fetty Wop.
• This illustrates what's so good about America: anyone can name themselves whatever they want, no matter how stupid or certifiably insane. There is a Nordic country that must approve the baby's name first, proving my point.
• Unfortunately there is no such agency protecting pets from being named by their owners.

There is a killer whale who can speak! It can say hello, goodbye, count to three, and say the name of its trainer, Amy. In addition to the obvious reasons, this is remarkable because whales do not have the same vocal structure as humans. Already, Ellen has invited him on her show, although we suspect it's just to get to Amy.  Republicans and democrats are worried: after a few more weeks of training, the whale will beat them in the midterm elections.

• The Trade is a new docu-series focused on the stories of addicts, their families and the law enforcement officials trying to curb the epidemic that kills 91 Americans a day. 'It needs to make you uncomfortable': the opioid documentary set to shock America
• What the documentary will fail to show is the person in the long dark coat, forcing the addicts to shove the needle in their arm. Or buy the pills for recreational use.  Oh wait.. there's no one forcing them to do this?
• This will only hurt the people who need opioids to help control their chronic pain.

Good God, they're still after me.
I went to see the young one performing with the school's orchestra. They closed with the Eagles fight song. Unfortunately it wasn't the Joe Walsh Eagles. As I was reminded, it would probably be a bad thing to smash a few violins on the conductor's head and about her person.

• On sale, tickets for Paul Rodgers (Bad Company), Ann Wilson (Heart), and Jeff Beck (Jeff Beck). This is going to be a real treat for everyone. Two great rock voices and arguably the world's greatest guitar player. My wife, who doesn't play an instrument, goes to every Jeff Beck concert. Highly recommended.

Speaking of concerts, I found something odd about this one: the conductors announced the song, then spoke about the composer and the song, sometimes including the song structure. Although I've been a musician for many many years, I don't 'get' classical music, nor does most of the audience, I'm willing to bet. How, then, does explaining it to the Great Unwashed help?

"This next piece, Rhapsody in Puce, was written by Leopold Liberace, during his food poisoning period in France. It's interesting to note that Leopold, whose friends called him Ted, didn't start composing til shortly before he started decomposing. If you listen closely, you'll hear the composer's use of the chromatic didactic during the flourish. You'll also say to yourself, 'Hey - that's the song from the Tide Pod commercial!' "

I don't think the person sitting next to me appreciated my question about the concert so far, when I asked about the presence of the conductor's hair down there. It's ok, though... Mom's used to my outbursts.

So I'm sitting there, both amused and puzzled, mentally composing this entry. How would this look if it happened during a rock concert? To make the blog less of a chore to read, I'll go ahead and show you....

"Yo. Thank you, thank you. You guys here in [looks around, pauses] Delaware are the BEST!"
[audience cheers wildly, even though the concert is technically taking place in Nebraska]
"Thank you. This next tune... I'm serious, guys... this next tune is called 'The Plight of the Bumblebee in Relation to Vacuum Theory.' This one was written by Bob, our drummer, during his blackout phase in Utah, while coming to the realization that he should start considering one of those celebrity drunk tanks. The song features a standard rock structure, except during the break, when Bob inevitably f's up the third fill and misses the chorus, even though he wrote the goddamn song. Interesting story: at the end of the tour, if not sooner, Bob's going back to the clinic and we're replacing him with a drum machine. Don't tell him, ok?"


Bitching (speaking) about weather, the Five Day Forecast is gloom with precipitation and low temperatures. This is similar to last week's forecast. Perhaps you remember the order, but I expect it to rain toads, blood, and Brussels sprouts with rosemary. At the end of the street, some old dude is loading animals into a large homemade boat.

Punxatawny Phil, the rodential mascot for Punxatawny, Pennsylvania, is due to pop out of his abode, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of movie stars complaining about the president. The joke's on us, as it's never sunny in PA, so he'll never see his shadow. This means we'll have three to seven more years of Hollywood complaining about the president and accusing Punxatawny Phil of sexual harassment.

But seriously, folks, the script changes this year. It seems that Phil has been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's particularly bad at this time, because he hasn't seen the sun in three months. When he fails to see his shadow, he's going to get out his Groundhog Grenade, pull the pin, and swallow it.

In completely unrelated news, Punxatawny has announced a new mascot for next year. Due to pressure from social justice advocates, the new rodent is Punxatawny Philomena. Philomena is a female-identifying transgender trans-species animal, who identifies as a Sherman tank. She describes herself as a Jew and an antisemite, whose hobbies include deep connections with women's social justice causes and prostate cancer. If you misgender or microaggress her, she will pressure the mayor to send you to a country where stoning is not only allowed; it is encouraged.

• Wildlife Strikes Back: a Maryland hunter was airlifted to a trauma center, after a dead goose fell from the sky and landed on his head, causing head and facial injuries.

Here's a list of the twenty most hated companies in America. The results are pretty much what you'd expect, with a few surprises. Number one should be fined so heavily, it will go under.

• Immigration (ICE) raided 77 North California businesses, looking for illegals. There were no arrests. Probably because Governor Jerry Brown blocked the doors with his body.
• In the Cliche Department, ICE raided one hundred 7-11 stores last month, arresting 21 suspected illegals.

STING instigates violence: a couple was in the midst of a domestic dispute when one of them went to the bedroom and played Sting's "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free." At this point, the dispute went physical, according to police. Sergeant Smith stated that individuals should not, under any circumstances, play Sting songs.

• George Washington University was rocked by a picture on social media, featuring two students, one of which was holding a banana, with the caption "Izzy: I'm 1/16 black."
• This is unprecedented. It's an outrage. It's 2018! I have absolutely no idea why this is racist. If you can enlighten me, please leave a comment.

The Dow plunged 666 points this week.
I think it's a sign: the Dow is talking to me.
Do not doubt me - the Beatles talked to Charlie Manson...

Title Having Nothing To Do With Content

Who says we don't learn from the past?
Some wise organization in Philly decided to grease up signposts and traffic lights for the Eagles game. Sounds bizarre, right? Not in Philly, where last time, people were scaling the poles. One particularly brilliant fellow was lobbing glass bottles. So they're trying to avoid hilarity this time around.

But I have faith in Philly fans, who once upended a parked truck, in a celebration of something or other. I know they'll find a way to get past the grease and cause mass mayhem, landing them on national tv and being memorialized on YouTube. Maybe this year they'll blow something up. Or release a nerve agent. There's no underestimating Philly fans.

In an example of pure synchronicity, Mrs leftystrat said it's getting LOUD outside.  Apparently Them Iggles won, and the yahoos are already parading up and down the block, in a drunken (or normal) stupor, with small explosives.

Sure enough, at least two people managed to climb a greased pole. This is the kind of indomitable spirit shown by Philadelphians, when their team wins, and when trying to get out of a parking ticket.  Speaking of Philly Spirit, there was only one fire.

Philadelphia authorities are working on a large scale evacuation plan, should Dem Iggles win the Superbowl. This has the potential to be the worst mass casualty event since Three Mile Island.

• A 15 year old hacker impersonated the CIA director and other officials in massive data breach. 15 years old. This says a lot about CIA security and the 15 year old. Perhaps the CIA should hire the little bugger... he seems evil and smart enough for their mission.

This was actual advice given to people in the South...

It's a different world, south of the Mason Dixon line

• A large number of businesses in the UK have been rendered vulnerable to cyber crimes by employees who regularly access pornographic and gambling websites on their work computers. This is why we can't have nice things.

Just when you thought your country, whatever country your country is, was the most incompetent in the area of cyber security, along comes Norway, where a healthcare provider is investigating a breach that might affect half of the population.  This is impressive. They claim that there's no evidence that it has put patient treatment or safety at rsk... you know... except for the fact that the healthcare data on half the country has been compromised.

In completely unrelated news, Norway has just dropped off the Greatest Places to Live list.

• Speaking of Superbowels, I was invited to a Superbowl party. I need to gather some magazines and make sure there's plenty of internet available, so I have something to do while avoiding socializing (and football). There's plenty of room under the snack table, provided no one else thought to hide there.

Just when you thought it was safe to read social media:

For example, my wife should ask me if I'd date a trans woman. If I said no, she should divorce me. Makes perfect sense, if you ask me.

Texas judge Jack Robinson interrupted the jury, saying God told him the defendant is not guilty. The judge apologized to jurors for the interruption, but defended his actions by telling them “when God tells me I gotta do something, I gotta do it."  Before you could say "schizophrenics hear voices" or "this is disallowed by the First Amendment," Judge Robinson recused himself. A request for a mistrial was denied. Because his outburst couldn't have swayed the jury in any way. 

Although Florida wins the award for sheer number of weird stories hitting the news, everything's still bigger in Texas.

• For some reason, which has nothing at all to do with temper or banging on things, the 'i' on my laptop sometimes fails to work. Today, it's producing double letters. Now my work computer's 'i' is sticking. What kind of bizarre synchronicity is this? Will either or both keyboards leap up and tell me God told them not to work? Do keyboards talk? Will I have to have the meds adjusted (again)?

A frequent stowaway slipped past Chicago's O'Hare airport security and took a flight to London. Don't you feel secure now? Not to worry, our brothers in London have our backs: they caught the lawless traveler and sent her home. No word yet on Frequent Stowaway Miles. The TSA was unavailable for comment, as they were all in the back room, laughing at your naked xrays.

• It's not a conspiracy when you're watching it happening: In the past three months, five porn stars have died. Three of overdoses, one in her sleep, and one by suicide. This is a tragedy of major proportions. If you remember, Madeline Monroe also died of a drug overdose, otherwise known as 'suicided.' 
• Who feels so threatened by adult entertainers that they are to be terminated? As with any suspect event, you have to ask yourself Who Benefits?
• Well, our president is alleged to have had an affair with a porn star. Let's take a wild guess: he also had affairs with other porn stars. Ladies who can no longer be questioned over the matter.
• Dead. Who winds up dead? People who have angered the Clintons. Perhaps Hillary had affairs with the ladies in question. Or even Bill.
• Maybe the government has declared a War on Porn. No, wait, that would only increase the number of porn stars.
• Rest in peace, ladies.

America is really upset about healthcare, and rightly so.

One highly-touted solution is socialized medicine, like Britain's National Health.

Let's face it: the British are not a beautiful people, by and large. On that basis, I reject socialized medicine. 

That's what you get here: information and solutions.

• It's 2018. Everyone can order everything online. The brick and mortar businesses need to come up with something original and clever to stay in business. Enter 'Graham,' an enterprising English businessman, with a business that can't lose. Sure, you can buy a sex doll from any old sex doll store, online or in-person. But where can you try them out for fifty pounds for thirty minutes, after which you can purchase the doll. This man is obviously way ahead of the pack and should win some sort of business award. Graham denies, however, that he is running a sex doll brothel.
• With every idea comes a downside: the poor sod who has to clean the dolls if they're not purchased. And what is their official job title, for tax purposes? Automated Adult Services Restoration Engineer? 
• The only thing better than writing this blog is getting paid for writing this blog. It actually used to happen, in a universe far far back, with a different url. They warned me, if I didn't stop writing about Halloween Boobies, I'd cease to be listed. So I took my blog and went elsewhere. They told me I'd be missing the publicity and access their service afforded me. And still I left. And still, they were absolutely correct. But don't let anybody tell you I'm unprincipled: I'm just plain stupid.
• I'm betting that the remnants of the blog still there is generating more hits than this one. There's probably a small pot of gold there, waiting for me.
• Thanks for coming by and reading. Thanks for subscribing. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for going away in disgust, never to return. Thanks for going away in disgust and returning for more disgust. I get nothing concrete: just the hope that I've entertained and made you think about something or other.

The computer news daily features some obscene number of new ransomware varieties. Very briefly, it gets into your system, frequently by user error, encrypts your important files, then demands a ransom to decrypt them.

I want to present you with the Ultimate Super Secret Ransomware Mitigation Secret: backup your friggin computer. What could possibly feel better than thumbing your nose at some disgusting foreign hacker? Because you know you have backups to replace your encrypted files. Besides - there's no guarantee that paying the ransom will get your files back.

Backups not only protect against malware - they protect against fire, flood, hurricanes, tornadoes, most acts of God, hard drive failure, computer failure, and falling on your laptop during particularly interesting adult activities.

A backup can be as simple as a USB drive or external hard drive, onto which you copy the files you want to save. There is freeware for Windows that will help you automate the process. Linux folks can use the command line or open source software to accomplish this. MACs undoubtedly have some utility that sends your data into the past, so it's safe and you can restore it by bringing it into the present. If at all possible, encrypt your backups.... if the backup leaves your hands by mistake, you don't want anyone to know how much you paid for that sex doll. In pounds.

If, heaven forbid, this seems too complex, time consuming, or you're terminally lazy, you can use an ... I hate to say this... online service to automatically do your backups for you. You just have to select what gets backed up and how frequently, and off it goes, hopefully encrypted. This is The Cloud, which I don't like, because the moment your data leaves your hands, it's no longer your data.

You don't have to backup your operating system - that can easily be rebuilt. Just your data. If you use the USB or portable hard drive method, please put the device elsewhere, like a friend or relative's house. If anything bad happens to your home, your data is safe somewhere else. If the FBI pays you a visit and removes every computer in your house because they suspect you have certain files on them, you still have your backup, safe and offsite. Everybody will say how smart you are. More likely, you can tell everyone how smart you are because you have backups. Win/win.

• Why doesn't stuff work? Are we a nation wasting tons of time, waiting for or trying to get stuff working? For me, it's usually work stuff: Hey Boss, I can't log into the Garbanzo machine. 
• You need to get in touch with Babaloo, who owns the machine.
• Hey Babaloo, I can't get into the Garbanzo machine.
• Let me see.... yup - it works for me [click].
• Hey Reggie - the new guy doesn't have email. Who does he call?
• Oh, that would be the Email Department, but he's out for a week, someplace where the drinks have full size umbrellas in them.
• Doesn't he have a backup?
• Yes he does. He's back up in his house, on vacation too.
• Hey Boss, when I log into the work application, I see someone else's screen.
• Oh, you have to call Support.
• Support's hours are nine to five but they close at noon.
• Yeah, they're like that. Fill out a ticket and they'll get back to you some time next month... if they don't close your ticket and claim they already fixed it.

So, this DACA/immigration thing, that played a huge part in the government shutting down... I'm still at a loss for words. Screw it - I'm never at a loss for words.

I break with some of my libertarian brethren on immigration. They say unlimited. I say do it legally, the way it's supposed to be done. Letting a bunch of people in without the normal controls also negates the work that the real immigrants did to get their citizenship. They don't feel entitled, like the DACA crowd.

These people are illegal aliens, no matter what anybody tells you. 'Undocumented Immigrants' is wordplay, designed to take the sting out of illegal aliens. These people are criminals, having broken laws of the country in which they hope to live. In which some feel entitled to live. Many sanctuary cities and the entire state of California seem to be perfectly ok with lawbreakers, even encouraging them. California gives them drivers licenses and wants to automatically register them to vote with the license. This bus seems to be missing more than a few tires.

Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Mr leftystrat, and my heart goes out to people who have gone through red lights. I myself do not go through red lights, but the plight of those who do is a sad one, a heartbreaking one. Yes, they've broken the law. Yes, they may have caused a collision with a schoolbus full of children. That's not important. What's important is that we forgive these people. In my proud sanctuary city, we stand for the rights of everyone to drive, regardless of how. If necessary, we will break the law and stand between traffic police and our brothers and sisters, the red light violators. In fact, we do not approve of the harsh tone; rather, we refer to them as Traffic Firsters, because they're first on the importance scale. First before every other car on the road, regardless of lights, signs, and laws.

How stupid does this sound?

Imagine, breaking a law and having people tell you it's ok, just ignore the law.

Join us next week, when I take up the plight of a very misunderstood group - bank robbers. They did nothing wrong and we must accept them fully, including letting them marry our children.

• My house is still trying to match last night's temperature. In other words, it's cold. I walked outside to find I didn't need a coat! The sun is almost out. It's warm - almost 50. It's bikini season! It's a shame because I don't have my bikini body yet, plus I need a wax like you wouldn't believe.

So, if you're patching your Intel CPU against the Spectre/Meltdown bug, Intel says not to. If you have already, unpatch it. Announcement forthcoming. This company bungled everything, from design to mitigation. Also, note that after you patch it, your computer will slow down, to the tune of approximately twenty percent or more. This is what you paid for. I tend to use AMD processors, given the choice.

• If you've ever use the command line (cmd.exe) or PowerShell in Windows, you can already use the command line in linux.  Note that this is not mandatory to use linux. You can run it just like Windows, making it look just like Windows too.

I suspect my wife is trying to gaslight me. She is doing a lot of cleaning, which also encompasses reorganization.  What this means is that she's hiding everything from me. She knows exactly where everything is, but I have no idea. Men in general have a difficult time finding stuff, and this only makes it worse.  The other day I wanted peanut butter. That was my first mistake. It had moved to a different surface. Everyone knows you can't have peanut butter without some sort of chocolate, so I went looking for some chocolate Reese's spread. 

So where was it? How the hell should I know? She did a great job of hiding it. Perhaps this is an attempt to keep her around, because she knows where everything is. Meanwhile I keep her around because she tolerates me well, which is a very rare trait.

On my way to the counter, cursing her name, I spied the chocolate spread in the most logical place: on the floor, next to the fridge. Stupid me. I was about to check the second most logical place: in back of the washing machine in the basement. 

I need to use the ladder today.... I better look on the bed.

• After all this time and international intrigue, I remain unable to find a slur for Malaysians. If you know anyone who can help with this quest, please let me know. I have nothing against Malaysians.. I just want to know what the slur is. I am not looking for the generic slur.

People annoy me.

This might come as a surprise, but it is so.

Know what makes me happy? Dogs. My own, as well as others. When I see dogs on tv, I smile reflexively. This is easy to note, as I don't generally smile.

Airport sniffer dogs are born at special facilities and kept there til they're eight weeks old. Then a host family lives with the dog for a year and brings them back  for training. Can you imagine living with a puppy for a year, then having to say goodbye? You couldn't pry that dog from my hands, no matter how hard you tried.

He's Not Writing About Sports Again, Is He?

Only a tiny bit, I promise.
It came to my attention, indirectly, that the Philadelphia Eagles won an important game. If you're from Philly, it's pronounced "Dem Iggles." I say indirectly because that's the only way I'd hear about it. I was in a mall or slaughterhouse somewhere and my phone started making noises, telling me my friends were in a group chat. It got really annoying, as any more than one DING does. They appeared to be commenting on a game. Since it's cold, it was probably Dem Iggles. I could see the straining through the phone. I suggested fiber. Apparently they won. My friends probably had to change their shorts after that. It took me quite a while to wash out the flying bits of animal that were intercepted by my clothes.

The whole thing reminded me of a lovely, happy celebration I saw once. It should be on a billboard that says "Welcome to Philadelphia".

I think she's a cheerleader

I told you it would only be a little bit.

I lied. Here's a little bit more: people are making dog masks and wearing them, in support of Dem Iggles. We are a nation of morons.

• Fortunately for Hawaii, the incoming missile alert was false. Triggered by one mouse click, the entire state went into panic. While one click set it off, there was no Cancel click, so 30+ minutes of panic ensued until somebody figured it out. Is it remotely possible that the alert system is about as mature as Carrot Top? That no one knows where to go? That we need a $*#)ing incoming missile alert? grumble grumble grumble YAH.
• The employee who clicked must be the most hated and horribly embarrassed person in 50 states. He was reassigned because it was a 'mistake'.
• Remember the Good Old Days, when the missile threat was from Russia?
• To give you an idea of how serious Hawaii is about security, they posted a serious looking picture of a serious looking man in front of serious looking computer equipment. It all looked pretty serious.. especially the password on the Post-it note, attached to a screen. It's apparent that we should just surrender now.

It's bloody snowing again. I flash back to winters where we barely saw snow [sigh]. True to form, our 'annoying dusting', which was to show up late tonight, managed to rear its ugly head at least twelve hours in advance. To be fair, the forecasters said eight. So they were damn near correct, especially for them.

But wait!!!!  It will snow tomorrow morning very early.  4-6" forecast, maybe 1-2", depending on day of the week and who you ask, and if their dice are rigged.

As soon as I started grumbling, I remembered a very early adopter of this (alleged) blog, who is completely friggin' buried under snow in Kentucky. Kentucky is prepared for snow only a little more than Hawaii. The drunken lawn tractor races have been postponed for a while, which is a shame, as this is the official sport of Kentucky. The KKK is deliriously happy, as it's white all around. They expect to have a highway cleared. At some point. The locals may be expected to clear streets themselves, which may require chains on their lawn tractors, and worst of all, being sober while running them. The local police have sprung into inaction, triggering heart attacks, because they thought it was raining cocaine. Can you imagine... 8+ inches of cocaine all over the place? People would be so stoned they couldn't move. Which may not be a bad thing for Kentucky.

The Kentucky Tourist Board says Come to Kentucky-it's a great place to rest.
Because you can't go anywhere.

• Indiana, free of snow (temporarily), is the site of yet another ransomware attack. Hancock Health got stung, forcing the entire crew to go back to pencil and paper. Employees under 25 had to go for training, as none could operate a pencil.
• Hats off to Hancock, which got back up shortly after the infection. This is due to good backups. How did they get infected? The most likely culprit was some genius, who was 'forced' to click on a link. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no law that says you must click. Practice safe surfing. Remember the ThermionicEmissions motto: Just Don't Do It.

If you use the Chrome browser, or browsers based on Chrome, you'll want to make sure you're not using these extensions: Change HTTP Request Header, Nyoogle - Custom Logo for Google, Lite Bookmarks, or Stickies - Chrome's Post-it Notes. They were designed to allow Bad People<tm> to send Bad Commands to your browser. Uninstall NOW.

• Perhaps it's my advanced age, but I'm flummoxed at the new trend of kids eating Tide laundry pods. Whatever happened to live frogs? As best I can tell, this stuff is not a part of the Recommended Daily Allowance of food, plus it would appear to be bad for you. If you're going to do it, don't be a sissy and just drink some radiator unclogger or Drano. Besides - everybody knows Tide with Bleach tastes better.
• When I was a teen, we put M-80s in glass soda bottles (remember them?) and ran like hell. Good clean fun - not like these kids today.

Is your computer sluggish? Does it have a bad attitude? Do you wish it was faster? Get yourself a solid state drive (SSD). I use them and can attest to the speed boost. Buy the largest you can afford because data expands - especially porn. You can even buy a small one to put your operating system on, the your data on your existing drive. A larger one will allow you to just duplicate your existing drive - the SSD comes with directions. If the thought terrifies you or you fear reading, ask your local teenager or geek. Everybody knows a geek. They can be paid in money, Dunkin Donuts gift certificates, or sex.

• Today's oxymoron: delicious vegetable lasagna.

The New York Times reports that the Pentagon has suggested countering cyberattacks with a nuclear response. That sounds like a perfectly normal response. I don't want to come off as any kind of expert on cyberattacks or nuclear retaliation, but I was wondering if maybe we could get some really hot cybersecurity people to harden the systems and some really hot hackers to put on the offense. The NSA has demonstrated that it has 'goodies' planted in foreign networks. Ah, now that I think about it, if we can't bill Lockheed for it, the Pentagon doesn't want to hear about it.  But using the nuclear option will certainly assure us that they won't do it again.

• Apropos of nothing, Pornhub saw a 50% increase in traffic from Hawaii in minutes after the false alarm was rescinded. The internet (the world) runs on porn.

Today we ask the question "Is this the golden age of drag?"
Why we ask the question completely escapes me. Stay tuned for other escapeful questions.

• New Jersey is a great place. It's a town where law and order rules the day If you don't believe me, ask the guy in Hackensack, who got a ticket for jaywalking, right after he got hit by a truck. 

Whither Plumbing

Meanwhile, on this Martin Luther King holiday, I have tackled trash, drains, toilets, dishes, and occasionally, the dog.  I'm strangely pleased. Instead of a four page screed on Manual Labor being hispanic, I'm borderline tipsy with glee. Wait, make that joy.. glee is a little too gay for me.

For those of you keeping track of and guiltily enjoying some of my horror, we had a Plumbing Event a short while back. Let's say that we came to appreciate the little things in life, like a glass of water, flushing the toilet, and showering. After paying yet another ridiculous bill, allowing Roto Ranger to buy a new truck, we were allowed to shower again (whether we wanted to or not). New truck aside, I have only good things to say about Roto Ranger. Nice guys, great work, they left it much cleaner than they found it, and they were polite enough not to say anything after they saw Jimmy Hoffa's body, over in the corner.

A coupla days ago, someone flushed a toilet. This is a fairly normal occurrence, which normally gathers no notice. This time, however, the other toilet let out a house-shaking gurgling, as if Satan himself had taken residence in our pipes. As the toilet was still on its mount, I gingerly backed out of the bathroom, content to let the Dark One do whatever dark ones do in plumbing.

Unimpressed by my display of leaving him alone, Satan continued his work, by making the toilet overflow when I flushed it. I swore, when it was all over, I was going to bill him for all the Playboys and Vintage Guitar magazines that got ruined. Later, I was summoned to the torture chamber basement, where it was raining. Now it wasn't raining outside, so I used my Science Brain to deduce that it was only raining inside. This is why I get the Big Bucks. She had just showered, which must've had something to do with the rainfall (I told you I was good). She shouted out directions in the way only she can, which meant I only understood about half of what she said. This served only to annoy her, at which point I started to feel bad for Satan.

The rain seemed to be coming from a large diameter pipe that had the nerve not to be cloud-shaped. Fortunately for us, the water was coming down outside the pipe. Yes, it was still raining, but it wasn't from a burst pipe. In my life, it's always the little things.

Out of nowhere, I wondered if it had something to do with that little lever jigger that you use to keep the water from going down the drain if you want a bath. In a stunning display of bravery and confidence, my wife had removed it because it wouldn't shut all the way. Unfortunately, bravery didn't extend to putting the new one in. Apparently this way My Job, but I didn't know it until just that moment, in the basement rain. There was no transfer paperwork or customary thirty days' notice. The only problem was that I didn't see it come out and had no idea how it worked. I checked with the brand spanking new Master Plumber, who told me all I needed was to put back the screws. This went swimmingly, only causing a few trips up and down steps, and about thirty minutes of screaming at the parts. It still didn't work, which made the Master Plumber give up. A few adjustments later and I fixed it (he said proudly). If I were a real plumber, I would have charged her $550 for it, plus the off hours fee.

A day later, the basement sink got clogged. Satan had been a busy little bee. The Master Plumber got right on it, with her lotions and her potions, designed to blow a hole in the ... ummm... hole.  At that point, the Master Plumber handed things over to the Reluctant Apprentice and promptly retired, screaming about someone had better fix it or we'd have to take out a fourth mortgage to pay the real plumber. She was kind enough to leave me detailed instructions that only left out a few steps here and there. If you ever get bored, or get a clogged sink, pour baking soda on/in it, then some vinegar. It's like a mountain of an explosion that gets down there and cleans and shines your pipes to a mirror finish. One pot of boiling water and two plunges later, we were back in business.

I didn't expect or deserve a parade; it was my damn sink too. I told her maybe just a little kiss on the cheek and a high-pitched "You're my HERO!" Judging by the way she held the chainsaw in her hand, I was unlikely to get much of anything, except for bloody.

HALLELEUJAH, we had achieved pipes! Water flow. Dishes. Toilets flushing.
Just for fun I plunged a toilet, which flushed effortlessly.  The other one... well.. Satan was still in the house, making that horrible noise when the other toilet flushed. This time it sounded like an earthquake, with the toilet about to shoot across the room at any moment. Flying toilets are not in my job description, so I called the Plumbing Police and told them to bring a priest. He did his magic and blessed the place, stopping only long enough to ask if there were any good little children who wanted to be his special altar boys.

In other news, we're thinking of laying off the fiber.


)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((


Apparently I typed too quickly.

The Demons of Stupidity came back for another exciting round.
After working 2 jobs, I had to go food shopping because I was OUT OF COFFEE. You understand the implications of this.

Let's say never send a man to do a woman's job.

She shops, which is good. She physically couldn't, so I did.
She wrote out a list, assuming I knew what she was talking about and where everything was. See where this is going?

First item, special cheese. I had to call and ask what this was.
Call cell phone: goes right to voicemail. sigh.
Call house phone: all circuits are busy.
WHAT?
All circuits are busy. Since when? It's 2018 - why can't I complete a phone call?
Plugged earphones into phone, so I could listen to music. The cord tied itself around the phone and every other object it could find. This is when one or the other wasn't falling out of an ear. I see people using earphones every day. Do I need a class for special earphone users? Does the valedictorian get his picture taken with President Nixon?

Have you ever seen somebody go completely MENTAL in a supermarket?
It was all I could do not to scream bloody murder. My day apparently wasn't going as well as I hoped. My phone helped by readjusting the volume to 'protect' me. This is almost as welcome as my car DINGING at me repeatedly when I take off my seatbelt. Seatbelt: the thing that holds your dead body in the car after the crash. The thing that gets caught and keeps the door from closing.

I was finally going to get my lemon Snapple.
Oops, I was prematurely optimistic, as I tend to be premature in general. No lemon Snapple except for diet. People who drink Diet Snapple also drink 2% milk. They eat two hoagies and a diet Snapple, because they're worried about their weight.
I think the store just stopped carrying it and is just screwing with their customers, telling them it will be on the shelf tomorrow. I would definitely do that. This is one of the many reasons I don't work in retail. One of the others is that customers who annoyed me (most of them) kept mysteriously developing burns on random parts of their bodies. They never found out how it happened.

How about some chocolate milk from the list?
Good luck finding chocolate milk. There is a wall with four separate doors, full of milk. But no chocolate milk. Oh wait - how about some lactose-free chocolate milk? Ummmmm..... no. Hmmmm.... 2%?  No serious person drinks 2% chocolate milk. Hey, there's another cold section with actual chocolate milk. Of course there is. And it's not chocolate milk, it's some bizarre chocolate drink-like substance, probably with no actual chocolate in it. Meanwhile, the phone is continuing to help me by adjusting the volume of the music, sometimes in the middle of a song. I'm singing out of tune with a song only I can hear in my head. I was very busy shopping, but it had something to do with chopping off heads and general indiscriminate maiming. My eyeballs are spinning like a slot machine. People were fleeing the general vicinity. Little children were crying. And I could find bags of lemons but no actual loose lemons. I'm told it's inappropriate to hurl bags of lemons over your head like some kind of 'special' superhero. Lemon Man - Lemon Man can! Am I digressing? You bet your car's blown fuse that keeps the interior lights from coming on, I'm digressing.

There are certain facts that are helpful to know.
The most relevant one, aside from letting someone ELSE do the shopping, is that you cannot buy real chocolate milk - only 2%. It's apparently been this way for a while. All this time I've been protesting getting screwed by two political parties that aren't different from each other, when I could be protesting something important - who the hell says I can't have real full fat-engorged chocolate milk? Who is 'protecting' me from chocolate milk? 2% milk is for people who think 2% is going to make the tiniest bit of difference in their lives. Like drinking it is going to make you look like a Victoria's Secret model. "Oh, I drink 2%. You can keep your real milk."

At this point, seven people move their carts directly in front of the milk, as if choreographed. There was chocolate milk back there, but I'd have to go through all seven of them, grab the chocolate milk, then pay and run to the car, hoping they wouldn't call the police. The irony here is that the police were down the street, at the convenience store (no, not the Dunkin Donuts).

Once home, I put away some groceries, after it being noted that everything I purchased was wrong, and I look slightly to my left. Where both huge halves of the sink are completely full and backed up from Satan knows where. All over again.

The wife reminded me that murder stubbornly continues to be illegal.

My hard-earned, small, just for me bonus?
It's going to the plumber.
Sometimes they like to torture me by letting me touch the money first. I get actual money and can feel its crispness, smell the fresh glory of the green. If I were a dog, I could smell the drug residue on it, as most money has drug residue on it. I can imagine what I'll do with it. Then the sink backs up, the money leaps out of my pocket, and if I don't pay the home improvement salesmen, they're threatening to send more of them around, especially during dinner.


Epilogue:
The job took my entire bonus, plus another ten percent, for good luck. I saw things that people should never see.

Knock Someone Out for Boxing Day

A nice and considerate new reader pointed out that this blog hurt her eyes (which was only fifty percent of my intention when 'designing' it). That the image of ThermionicEmissions remained emblazoned on her retina, making it difficult to see the next site she went to. This is great news... everyone who leaves this blog will see it in front of them for a short (or long) period of time! If a reader trips and goes down on his eyes, heaven forbid, the image of ThermionicEmissions may be the last thing he sees. Or it might be the only thing he sees for the rest of his life.  Do I need to rethink this?

• One way to introduce invasive new technology is to put it in sports stadiums; where fans have already proved they will swallow humongous ticket prices, fifty dollar parking, regular player strikes, and state money paying for the stadiums. Fingerprint and iris scanners are in place in several stadiums, as a kind of line-bypass, like our friends at the TSA offer pre-screened fliers (and now some stadiums) - because metal detectors and bag checks weren't enough. In addition to identification, this allows tracking of fan behavior and purchasing habits, raking in even more money for the stadiums. To add insult to injury, you will pay $179 for this privilege. Yo, sports fans... bend over... again. It's for the children.

A New York to France flight had to be diverted because the toilets on the 767 were all broken. With all of the in-flight backups airplanes have (all systems in triplicate), in the end it was toilets that grounded the plane. It's shit like this that makes passengers mad.

• Last night was the Kennedy Honors. Among others, the Eagles were celebrated. At one point, Steve Vai joined others for a note-for-note rendition of Hotel California. As much fun as this was, the real attraction was watching the stone-faced Eagles and the outgoing president at times.

This past year has had no shortage of hilarity emanating from California. Guess what... the year isn't over yet! The San Francisco police union is suing the city for the right to choke citizens and kill fleeing drivers, citing the recent overseas attacks where vehicles were used. Because the "new policy will hinder officers' ability protect themselves and the public from killers behind the wheel."

They coulda just said It's for the children. Knowing California, it's a small miracle that they didn't outlaw trucks and cars.

The next piece of legislation will require police to identify lawbreakers and give them a ride home or to a Safe Space of their choosing because we wouldn't want to hurt their feelings or make assumptions as to their race, color, what species they identify as, or sexual orientation.

• As if enough people had not left the planet in 2016 thus far, someone took advantage to hack Britney Spears' Twitter account to post a poorly-worded tweet, allegedly from Sony, that she expired. To back this up, they hacked Bob Dylan's Twitter account to send condolences. And just a few days left in 2016...
• Speaking of death, there is a Kickstarter to raise money for a person to guard Betty White. He will guard her in any way necessary. If Mrs White decides this service is not necessary, all the money donated will go to a designated theater charity. Noting Betty's ability to stay alive thus far, I don't think she'll need any help.

A Tacoma, WA. Cheesecake Factory refused to serve some armed police officers recently. One of the officers posted this to Cheesecake's Faceyspaces page, prompting a statement from Corporate, apologizing for the mixup and blaming it on the restaurant manager's misunderstanding of the policy, which stated that uniformed and armed officers were allowed to possess arms. I guess the manager mixed up allowed to posess arms with not allowed to possess arms. Heh heh, simple mixup anyone could make. It's like celebrity death: Britney Spears is dead. Oh wait, we got that statement mixed up with Britney Spears is not dead. A simple mixup.

• There is a place in Asia called Johor Baru. This is less important that the fact that a man there is seeking a refund for an exorcism, because the exorcist failed to drive off the spirits afflicting his father. Hey, do you suppose we can get refunds for wives and other relatives?

One cannot, and I can't emphasize this strongly enough, eat a steak sandwich with a straw. Along these same lines; no, I don't want to go to the doctor tomorrow to see your ear wax. These were two things that happened today and I am not going to say anything more.

First selfie with found object - 1940

I Have an Adverse Relationship with Mondays

Tired of paying ridiculous rates and sky-high deductibles for Obamacare? I am.
Leaping into inaction, our friends in government have provided us with another option: the Simple Choice plan. This plan will cover basic services without a deductible. The Federal Government set the deductible and copays but not the rates, meaning they don't expect it to have much/any difference in rates. Again: the people responsible should be punished for this NOW, before they slither away into forgotten history.

• According to research, milk from Tasmanian Devils could be a useful weapon against antibiotic-resistant superbugs. Yeah, you go collect it from them.

A 79 year old exorcist, Fr Vincenzo Taraborelli, says it's becoming difficult to find younger recruits.

Good... c'mon... exorcism? Let's burn some witches while we're at it.

• The Pentagon declined to say whether the USS Mason destroyer was targeted by multiple inbound missiles fired from Yemen, saying a review was underway to determine what happened. Because sometimes it's difficult to tell if missiles hit your ship.

Have you been feeling a bit weird lately and you can't put your finger on it? With the aid of drivers licenses, the Feds have put together a 177 million person database of faces and you didn't know about it. This is about half of the US population. Read it and weep.

• Mornings are ... problematic

Online dating? You might want to avoid Nicole, who is looking to steal a few of your vital organs.

• How bout that last debate? The upside is that the nation can now go on calmly, secure in the knowledge that there won't be another one.

I'm trying to figure out what's worse: whether composer David Teie has released an album for cats or that it is #1 on the charts.

• Over on Reddit, there is a section devoted to popping pimples and blackheads and whatever else. There are pictures and, heaven forbid, videos. Enjoy your breakfast.

Now appearing, in my bathroom, is a new cordless phone. It is currently charging. In most other houses, this would probably be a good thing, except possibly for the location. Last week I discovered that neither of us knows how or why the phone got there. Nobody bought it, put it there, or plugged it in. And when I say nobody, I mean the people and hopefully not the dog, who, as far as I know, cannot (yet) order with a credit card or shop in stores. Or at least that's what he tells us. It's a Radio Shack phone, which makes it even more interesting, as most have closed and I don't know where there might be an open one. Further, the existing phone seems to work just fine.  So there we go. I wish guitars would just appear like that.

• An Ohio woman has been accused of smothering her three sons over a 13 month period 'so they didn't grow up to abuse' women.  The Social Justice Warrior program has officially crossed the Nuts Barrier<tm>. What kind of brain issue would cause a mother to murder her children? What kind of defense will she mount - temporary 13 month insanity? As far as I know, there's no Social Justice Defense (yet). Whatever kind of brainwashing she received is becoming way too common. I hate to say it but this is the start of something legally reprehensible. Maybe it will spawn legal justification for men to murder their wives: "Your Honor, I was afraid she was becoming a Social Justice Warrior and needed to protect my children."

Leaping on the train, so to speak, Amtrak has banned the Samsung Galaxy Note 7. The line is getting longer... on January 2, the Obama administration will ban it also. The Department of Homeland Security will list the Samsungs as Weapons of Mass Destruction, putting the Samsung factory in danger of being droned. Still.. could be worse... could be an iDevice.

• “Is your refrigerator running?” 
• Goes and checks. 
• “Yes?” “It’s attacking France. You’re under arrest.”

Whoever says that government does not get things done is not paying attention to New York's Second Avenue Subway. The new line's first leg should start in December, but could be delayed. The project dates to the 1920s.

• While driving, I heard something about the Philadelphia Eagles winning a game. Philly remains certain that this will be rectified by the next game. This will not, however, deter people from buying season tickets and seats that cost $250, plus $25-50 parking and $8 squirrel urine, disguised as beer.

There was a horrible bus crash on a Los Angeles highway, with 13 people killed. The good news, however, was pictures of one guy, stuck in unmoving traffic, getting three phone numbers from attractive ladies who were also stuck. Reticent to use colloquialisms as I am, this guy got game.

• China's Communist Party punished more than one million officials for corruption. Say what you want about communism and China, we could certainly use some of that in the good old US of A.

Donald Trump says he can win the women's vote. I suspect this will happen right after I start campaigning for Apple.

• The Senate will hold hearings on the AT&T-Time Warner merger. Any guesses as to how it will come out?

Pennsylvania's own former attorney general, Kathleen Kane, is due to be sentenced today for leaking grand jury information then lying about it to investigators. Her lawyers' plea is to give her probation or house arrest, because she has children. As far as I know, she had the children when she leaked the info.

UK police seek man in connection with clever theft of blinds

Daydream Believer and a Cross-Dressing Queen

What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.

• Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?

By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.

• A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.

A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.

• Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."

SELFIE BRIGADE

Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies "can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.

Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.

• Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.

Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?

• "Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!

LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.

• Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.

Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).

This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:

• Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
• Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
• Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”

Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.

• What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....

TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.

Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.

lefty Weighs in on Joe Paterno

I know you're probably saying to yourself:

Hey, why in the world would leftystrat have a single thing to say about anything having to do with sports?

And a very good question, that.

I spent a very minimal amount of time getting some background on this from my esteemed coworkers; the first place I go when I need answers about sports stuff.

As best I understand it, Joe Paterno allowed this to happen on his watch by not doing to the coach what the coach was doing to the little boys.

And Joe Paterno leaps to inaction and resigns immediately (at the end of this season).

Do I have it right?

Do I really need to comment?

In the end, this adds to my assertion that Penn State and the Eagles be sent to Albania on a permanent basis.

--------------------------------

Paterno stated that he wished to leave with dignity.   My wife, a victim of childhood sexual abuse, asked what about the dignity of the poor children - they got none.

UPDATE:


Penn State has terminated Joe Paterno, as well as the president of the university.  Well done, folks.