So Far, Yet So Far

Your love is like   diesel exhaust

Woman Sues Landlord, Claims Lease Included ‘Sexual Intercourse' Contract

but she signed the lease.....

Today I identify as  Mao Tse Tse Tung

Ode to a t-shirt that everyone stopped carrying at the same time 

It all started last year. I bought a tank top (t-shirt with no sleeves, wifebeater). It was very helpful in very warm weather. I bought more, naturally in black and blue (my school colors - it was a tough school.).  Since my house tends to eat things, I cannot find a single one of them, and it's been in the 90s for weeks.

Old lefty would demand to take the house apart, in search of the errant shirts. New lefty just shakes his head, sadly, and orders more. They came pretty quickly, all rolled up in a multi-pack. Annnnnnnnd.... they were wrong. I'm a guy so I have trouble speaking about clothing accurately. When I told Wife, I said they were way too tight and springy, plus too small and they looked like corduroy. They had bloody lines going up and down. Mrs. lefty said that's how they are. "That's how they are" is a very bad phrase for me. It gets in the way of what I want and I'm even less pleasant to be around. I informed Mrs. lefty this was not a good answer and she told me what I wanted was cotton shirts. Stupid me - all my shirts are cotton - I foolishly assumed more shirts would be cotton too. Every one I ordered last year was cotton.

We checked a number of big box stores locally, with the same results. WTF - it's just a tank top. Yes, another story about lefty trying to get something pretty simple and finding it impossible. It's my life. It's also why this blog exists. Its all part of my descent into madness, and you have a front row seat. Imagine that.

Mrs. lefty decided to go to the Mart with Walls. I was stunned when she brought out two sets of them! I was lucky! Fate smiled upon me! Oh, wait... one of the packages was exactly like the one I got that was wrong. The other package was a different manufacturer's version of the Wrong Shirt. Logic and air are not the same in my universe. Gravity either, which aids the emotional support elephant (Iqbal).

I had to very carefully phrase my next utterance, lest I wear all ten shirts in a very dark and foul smelling. But.... they all have ribs. That's exactly what I was complaining about. Well, that and they ripped. So both sets have ribs. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I walked around the house with the shirt over my head and fell down a flight of steps, screaming about corduroy tank tops. It scared the hell out of the dog. I think, for her own sanity, Wife just ignores me. This seems to happen a lot, especially with people who are not my wife.

Now that I think about it, I have a lot of regular old t-shirts, complete with Funny Shit on them. And when I say a lot, I mean an incredible amount. Almost as many as Wife has shoes (as if that were possible). Anyway, we're getting suited up for a Shirt Safari, as there are none in my dresser. We're not sure where they go. I checked my office, the tall trees in the yard, the car tires, heating ducts, and even the Crisis Room<tm>. Nada. Nope. None. Zip. Zilch. Yet every now and then, they come back in the wash. I look at them and think, "Oh yeah, I remember those." I think the house hides them for a few months at a time, then blips them back to be washed. I probably don't want to know where they went. Maybe they were abducted by aliens. Maybe they were abducted by televangelists. Or congressional committees on laundry. Perhaps they went on vacation, which is kinda sad, because *I* can't afford one.

As I now understand it, with ten shirts in a dark and foul smelling place, the shirts have to be ordered online and have to say 100% cotton. If any local stores want to know why people are taking their business online, they should read this blog. They should read this blog even if they aren't curious. Now I have to give more money to Jeff Bezos. He needs to get more trillions together so he can afford to get divorced again.

We're having stuffed shells for dinner. They're stuffed with cheese. I don't like cheese. The shells have ribs on them. I think someone's mad at me.

Three stores do not have Penny's dog food. It gets more difficult almost daily. Know what happens when you change a dog's diet? Their system goes into BLM Riot Mode, producing all sorts of foul gas and possible diarrhea. Dogs don't even laugh when they fart.

Pope rules out sexual misconduct probe of Canadian cardinal

Of course - gotta protect them pedophiles.

This could be the largest criminal organization on the planet. 

Have you ever seen what childhood sexual abuse does to children?

There is a real issue with laptop hard drives failing when Janet Jackson music is played. You should be safe, because the laptop had to be made around 2005 and have a certain hard drive in it. And you wouldn't be caught dead playing Janet Jackson.

One of my grade school teachers said he graded tests by throwing them down the steps, with each step being a letter grade. Most of us are long out of school, but this method continues, especially at the CDC, which has just released its arbitrary rules for going back-to-school. 

• On Mondays, no masks are required, because the school has been quarantining itself over the weekend. 
• Tuesdays require masks because of Mondays
• On Wednesdays, the cafeteria has mac and cheese
• On Thursdays, everyone must show their vaccination paperz, causing absolutely no school work to get done, sometimes ending in an unexcused absence
• Friday is Fauci Appreciation Day, with assemblies featuring songs, worship, and clowns (not the FDA kind)

Here are two articles on the CDC

1. CDC to regain control of US hospital data after Trump-era seizure, chaos
2. CDC to restructure after COVID failure, “confusing and overwhelming” guidance
3. CDC Clueless

Just got an email from a local venue, announcing the Village People!

I cannot hold my excitement.

If one of them doesn't show up, do they snag some guy off the street in a uniform? 

Rejected Village People members

• parking ticket writer
• mall cop
• nuclear engineer
• IRS agent
• heterosexual
• musician
• Elvis impersonator from India

A Tool That Monitors How Long Kids Are in the Bathroom Is Now in 1,000 American Schools

Every now and then, a draconian tool appears in schools. This is obviously one. It follows the phone trackers. Wait for the chips - they'll be swell.

 

Australian wasps threaten another passenger plane, with help from COVID-19

G'day mate. It would be a real shame if we built a nest in your pitot tubes. Planes, they fall out of the air sometimes. What say you pay us a small fee for protection?

Japan wants young people to drink more alcohol. It's just not sure how to convince them

There are many differences between the Japanese and Americans. This is one. We actively encourage drinking. It's a real social problem. 

The reason for the action is that governmental tax revenue on alcohol is down. They should give them car keys too. Then the tax revenue on towing and morgues would be up also.

There is a video making the rounds featuring pole dancing at a gender reveal party. People are out of their minds.

I am too. People shouldn't be exposed to gender reveal parties. 

It's safe to sleep and go on vacation now, kids. The mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus is solved!

SPOILER: it's actually in the ecdysozoan group, not deuterostomes.

 

An award-winning photo captures a ‘zombie’ fungus erupting from a fly

Fly insists it's not fungus - it's Bling 

Wearing a Backpack to Bed

Definitions:

do what? - huh?  - "Pardon me, I'm from the South"
fixin tuh, bout tuh  - "Pardon me, I'm also from the South"
difficult - asshole  (He is a real difficult person.)
wtf? - with the fudge  (Bring me a glass of milk with the fudge.)

• When you're watching COPS, and the policeman gives the driver a drunk test, do you wait for the driver to say, "I can't do that when I'm sober." After the policeman explained what the tests were for, I realize I'd fail them completely sober. On my way to jail, I'd ask for a blood test. I'd be the only person ever arrested for driving sober.
• Well, maybe not the only person... my wife has something called positive tilt. Long and short is that when she closes her eyes, she tilts to one side and will fall over if she doesn't open her eyes. A doctor once did a test for this and wondered why I sprinted across the exam room to catch her. We're a hell of a team.

"I'd rather the police investigate a crime of misogyny than a burglary."

- English journalist Suzanne Moore

"Unless my house was being burgled."

- also English journalist Suzanne Moore

This would be an hysterical gag in a book or comedy routine if it weren't true.
How did we get here? How many Founding Fathers of all countries are spinning in their graves? Founding mothers - sorry.

It is rumored that Cindy Lauper's mother used to tell little 5 year old Cindy that she sang like an angel. Cindy grew up, thinking she could sing and inflicted her voice upon the public.  Perhaps Suzanne Moore's mother told her it was so cute, the way she went on about girls being better than boys, so she went into journalism. She actually believes this stuff. Maybe the publics got used to this by breaking us in to the Stupid, event by event. It seems to start in colleges, where the professors are so liberal, they make Michael Moore look like the alt right. The kids, whose parents pay over $50k per year to send their little impressionable snowflakes for a college education they'll need to get a job at McDonalds. They will get fired for organizing a strike because the staff is primarily male and black, so she's fighting the Patriarchy, which is racist and misogynist.

Twenty years down the pike, when society tires of being run by people who make stuff up that you can't debate without being called a name, it will be interesting to see where these people land.  Suzanne Moore was forcibly retired because the college couldn't afford the security bills of most people trying to stuff things in her mouth. She identified as black and was allowed to retire with pay after declaring the college racist. The legal case was reversed when the jury couldn't say the verdict without cracking up til they couldn't breathe.

Suicides will go through the roof, as middle-aged snowflakes realize calling people names no longer works for them and jobs hire on ability instead of gender and fear of being called a name. In the end, no one cares and half the country is out drinking. By the end of the night, they will have no idea what they're celebrating.

• There is a new system to monitor blood sugar. The commercial features a guy with a guitar plugged into a huge amp (logo blacked out). Anybody who plays guitar knows this is absolutely stupid. The amp is Marshall sized, which are the huge amps used by everybody from Hendrix to present day stars. If you put an acoustic guitar through this amp, the feedback alone would deafen you. This might be a plus if you sound like what we hear on the radio these days.
• A different commercial is about the things necessary to purchase a house. It involves the tasks necessary, like getting a raise and lowering expenses. One expense was 'buying stupid things', at which point they show the male holding up a Les Paul guitar and the wife shaking her head no. I'm going to write a complaint to the company, demanding they stop this rabid musician-ism. Some of us spend all of our disposable income (after pizza and ice cream) on guitars and related accessories. 
• As for the blood sugar monitor, this absolutely creeps me out. You might have seen it, with a bicyclist plus a mother with baby, holding the device up to a white sensor on their arm. WHAT is the sensor? Why is there a plastic disc attached to their arm? HOW is it attached? Is it wired right into the nervous system so Big Pharma can get you to buy more? Are you now chipped? Will I ever get the medicine I need?

We can all agree that Leah Remini has done a great job on her expose of Scientology. We can also agree that Leah Remini is a beautiful woman. Unfortunately in Hollywood, women must be forever young, so Leah had a facelift and/or botox. You'll see her face as a little different, especially compared to earlier pictures. If you look closely, you'll see her bottom lip not moving much when she speaks. This is especially visible in Cher, who has had so many surgeries, she no longer looks like the first few Chers the public got to know. Sonny, if he suddenly achieved life, wouldn't recognize her.

A lonnnnng time ago, Leah was on a sitcom, and I decided I needed a picture. I wrote to her (in actual writing, requiring paper and an envelope), and told her I wasn't a stalker, but would love an 8x10. She sent me one immediately and autographed it. What a sweetheart [sigh].

• Before the last election, those Hate Does Not Live Here signs started popping up. Across the street, a sign appears, stating Love Lives Here: Love of family, country, and God. I'll leave it to you which house voted how.
• I felt peer pressure and put up my own sign: Leave Me the F- Alone ( a libertarian mantra).

My tv app sprouted something called Sports Devil. Those of you keeping track, including those of you not keeping track, know how I feel about sports: I'd rather spend time with the devil than watch sports. As for golf, I'd rather go to the dentist, but we're not sure golf is actually a sport.

• Best line this week: I was totally asleep until I woke up....

I started losing my hair in my late teens. I blame my mother.
A girlfriend, who knew a lot about hair, gave me some special shampoo and a brush to use in the shower. This never worked out because my mother refused to let my girlfriend shower with me. I resent her to this day.

This particular girlfriend was interesting. Yes, they were all interesting, but this one was interesting. She was very proud of her body. This worked out well because I was too. She was..... gifted.... up top. I found out she was so proud that she had nude pictures done up professionally (this was waaaaay before selfies). I found this out later, when my brother told me she had a very nice upper half. She showed him the portrait.

Another girlfriend, who didn't take naked pictures of herself, invited me to sleep over one night. Her mom came in the room the next morning and I experienced Panic Shutdown. I stood there, on the bed, trying to be invisible, or disappear behind the door, with only pants. She said hi and asked if I wanted anything for breakfast. It took four days before I could eat. I'd get up in the morning for work and the girlfriend would start a huge fight. I called later and asked her what that was about. "We didn't fight this morning.. what are you talking about?"  Uh-oh. This happened fairly frequently. Only in hindsight did I realize there was something up with her. Why do all my girlfriends have..... issues...?? The last girlfriend before I met Mrs lefty was intense. We were inseparable. I found out she was abused as a child. I know the doctors will have all sorts of theories on this: girlfriends and rescue dogs.

• I have learned Stuff today, so it's now a productive day. I'm feeling good about that, so it's back to pr0n.
• There are over 100 kinds of bacteria on the human hand
• The London subway system is older than me. Quite a lot. It's even older Hillary Clinton's most recent body (this is number 4)
• According to my weather app inside my tv app, it's 126 degrees. That makes me feel really stupid for turning the heat up this morning.
• The country went to Daylight Ruining Time recently, so set your clocks in a random direction, 37 minutes back. I wasn't aware of this until Wife told me. All my life I've relied upon women to tell me. First it was Mom, who called years after I moved out. The good news is all my devices automatically moved the correct 37 minutes. The bad news is that one appliance didn't: my alarm clock.
• If you like to tinker with Stuff in your cell phone, don't turn off the service that says [name of carrier] services. Trust me. Right after thoroughly intimidating the phone, I noticed a program crawling slowly on the computer. I suspect they talk to each other. Do yours? Or is it only mine that are against me? They say the new medicines are much better.

This morning I woke up to my dog being very happy to see me. I like this. The excitement level went through the roof and I realized the Doggie Alarm Clock had gone off. I looked over and she had her harness in her mouth. She looked like she had gagged herself. I went searching for another reason.. although we're pretty weird here, we are not Doggie Bondage weird. She was chewing her harness. Shaking my head, I removed the harness. Not to be outdone, I watched her grab her mommy's covers and removing them. Damn impressive. Was she nesting? No, she was chewing on them. She was a stray - maybe she picked up some odd habits. Currently she's guarding us, looking outside, making sure we're protected. Yesterday she protected us from someone closing their car door. For five minutes, she barked. You can't stop her either. You can get right in her face, pick her up, throw toys, but she will not falter in her protecting. She protects us from people knocking at the door and yesterday she protected us from dogs barking on tv.

Being an English cocker, I tried to get some Bonding Time by watching British television. Nothing. I'm starting to wonder if English cockers are just American cockers with longer noses...

• I need to rant again (still?) about the Experience, vs the Working. I downloaded a file manager for my phone. When I started it up, it tried to get to the internet 24 times. Whatever it was must've been urgent. Then it told me all the great stuff it did, like categorizing my files, waxing the car, watching the dog, analyzing and cleaning space. I don't WANT my files analyzed. If anything, I need analysis before the files do. On the front screen, there are options to select music, downloads, videos, archives, and dog hair. DAMMIT - I HATE THIS. I don't want a file managing experience... I want to manage my files! So I went for the Look At Your Files button, but there was none. I am not making this up.... you can NOT simply browse the file tree, like even Microsoft Explorer can. Have these people sprung a leak?
• The next file manager also grouped files, but there was a teeny tiny button to actually browse files. It was so full of ads, you couldn't tell where you were browsing, like driving through Camden at night.
• The third file manager was called Astro (that's Rastro for Scooby Doo fans). This one seriously impressed me. Not by allowing me to browse, but for getting stuck at the logo as it came up. There were only 9 attempts to access the internet. Ten minutes later the program came up, with the first screen being notification that they collect every piece of information you have, up to and including nose hair samples. Not with my firewall blocking internet access, they don't. Assuming it doesn't take 10 minutes to come up, this one's almost useful.
• I'm downloading a file manager because Android can't decide if the one I have is installed or not. Is this some sort of trans thing? I went looking for the included file manager, but it's not there. NOT THERE. The stock android file manager is not there. The Download app is not there. Halleleujah. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I put on a dress and let these programs phone home. Why a dress? HEY - I didn't type that....I swear....

I found this strange new thing for the house. My wife (forcefully) introduced it to me. It's called vacuuming (did I spell that right?).  Darndest thing... the floor gets Stuff all over it. Dog hair, people hair, large sheets of nuclear plans for this and that, coffee the dog didn't want because it was cold... you know. So you run this vacuum thing over the mess and it disappears, like Janet Jackson's nose*. Say what you want about tv shows and Janet Jackson's nose, but the problem is that they stay disappeared. Not so much the floor dirt. In fact, it seems to come back at twice the rate, like grass.  Let us review: if you make the bed, it will get unmade every single night. If you wash the car, it will rain or mud. If you mow the lawn, it will only grow and mock you. Why Bother? So I gave up on vacuuming.

It's a shame, though, as we are well-equipped. We have three. Why? How the f- should I know - I was just turned onto them.  We have a midline, which is ok, but clogs up; we have a really cheap one that will suck up large bolts and couches, and a famous, really well made, guaranteed for life unit that can lift a bowling ball (but not the fat kid from Stand by Me). I mention this not because it works, but because the moment we turned it on, it sucked up some pantyhose from one floor up and stopped working immediately. The shop just called.. our free lifetime warranty just expired.

• Quick concert update: remember the Long Island Medium - Theresa Caputo? The lady with the ridiculous accent and a virtual hair helmet? She's on tour. Imagine my consternation, trying to decide between a Led Zeppelin reunion and Hair Helmet. To Theresa's credit, Robert Plant is unlikely to tell me what my dead relatives are saying about me.

We just finished paying off one of Marshall's medical loans. He's laughing at us, somewhere. Penny must crack him up too. Speaking of medical loans, I was working in my office and kept reminding myself not to move the chair because I'd hit the dog. The dog was out visiting with her mommy, so I was the only one home. I continued to not move the chair because, dammit, there was a dog there. It wasn't any particular dog, just a dog, and not one I could see. The feeling was downright eerie because it was so strong.



*Janet Jackson's Nose: She's a big girl and can do whatever she likes, but it saddens me to see her going down Michael Road. It's dark there.. few lights.. a lot of turns you can't see.. and money.... lots and lots of money.  But I digress (always). None of the Jackson children were going to grow up normally, even if some got famous while they were young. The father caused damage, possibly physical. Add that to being Michael Jackson, with more money than nose sense, and you have the recipe for disaster. One of the best known and loved musicians in the world probably had few or no people to talk to. Thus there was nobody to call him on getting all Michael Jackson-y. Thus his mad desire to be a caucasian, despite the obvious issues. The man barely had a nose left, or so Howard Stern says. He built a playground in his back yard. While this is the dream of all children, that ship sailed 40 years before. A pet chimp. Tiny friends. A wife? Some more children that don't stand a chance.  So Janet - just show us your boobies (sorry - wardrobe malfunctions), not what you can do with regular rounds of recreational rhinoplasty.

rhinoplasty is a plastic surgical operation during which a horn is grafted to the forehead.
why is my female dog humping a sofa pillow? because my leg kept rejecting her?

Unicorn Sightings Are Rare These Days

Peter Fonda's in the news, after he posted a tweet suggesting Barron Trump be ripped from his parents and put in a cage with pedophiles.

Melania Trump called the Secret Service.

Fonda deleted the tweet and apologized. We are assured that the Secret Service visit had nothing to do with the cracks in his skull, black eyes, and individually broken fingers.

We checked Twitter for Other Tweets Peter Fonda Deleted:

1. Obama is black, the bastard
2. Watch me put my penis in this pencil sharpener
3. DAMN my daughter is hot
4. I've got snails in my rectum

ABC has apologized for a graphic declaring Manafort pleaded guilty to manslaughter. What they meant to say was "Manafort builds model cars." Anyone could make that mistake.

• Many have predicted that the apocalypse will occur on the summer solstice, for some reason or another, ranging from Billy Graham dying to Kelloggs discontinuing Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows. As the solstice has passed, some are starting to doubt the dire predictions. The people who predicted the tragedy said they made a mistake and pushed the date forward, but refuse to tell us when.
• Hollywood blames the NRA for the Apocalypse's failure to occur.

Speaking of proof of God's existence, Star Wars sequels have been put on hold after the most recent cash grab flopped. Also, there is only one treehouse show left on tv.

• Janet Jackson revealed her battle with depression.
• My wife is bipolar and has never bared her nipples onstage.

A woman is suspected of serving her ex-lover's remains at a barbecue.

Guests said, "He tasted like chicken."

• A Kansas man was charged for repeated attempts to have sex with a parked car's tailpipe. 
• The man's blood alcohol was four times the legal limit. His lawyer said, "There is no legal limit for having sex with a tailpipe."  Asked for comment, the man said, "It was a really hot tailpipe."
• Florida's Governor proposed a new state motto: We're messed up but least we didn't try to have sex with a tailpipe.
• Peter Fonda blamed Trump. Democrats called for gun control.

Canada has announced that it will not be attending the Philadelphia Guitar Show this year. The prime minister will be dress shopping with Celene Dion. A spokesman for Dion said she hopes to find him something nice and not too splashy.

• Guilt is twelve times stronger than gravity

Software tip: if you're looking for linux software that does what popular Windows software does, check out AlternativeTo - it also works for other operating systems. OS Alt finds open source alternatives to closed source or commercial software.

My new old office at home is proving quite useful, if for nothing else, escape from humanity. There is a phone on my desk, which makes me feel important. It isn't connected to anything, which also helps in my quest to remain invisible. It still has its original dust, which has kept the insects from taking over. One of the little buggers had developed speech and says stuff to confuse me during evening hours... it can successfully imitate my wife and gives conflicting orders, successfully imitating my wife.

Nothing has fallen and injured me, which is a very pleasant surprise, suggesting that the room exists in a parallel universe. The door, which doesn't shut fully, is actually the portal into the alternate universe. Thus far, everything is the same in the new universe: a profound disorganization, inability to find a single thing that I need, and every flat surface taken up with Stuff. This is precisely the kind of place Hoarders would put on tv, but there is no such show in this universe and the original show won't touch it because their union won't cross universes.

I have a new fan, with six speeds.. I feel so decadent using it. And it has a remote control, so I don't have to reach three feet over to adjust it.  My bigass old tube shortwave boatanchor receiver still works. Pro Tip: do not leave anything with batteries on top of this radio unless you want to see what happens to batteries when heated. In the winter, the radio will heat the entire office, if not the entire alternate universe. Still not answered is the question of why there is an odd number of speakers. Just like in the universe you know, the room eats screwdrivers. Unlike the universe you know, all the pens write. 

I need to speak to someone about getting cold running Snapple and hot running coffee. Somewhere is an old black and white tv. If I try to move it, one of the piles will fall on me and they'll never find my body. There are new popsicle sticks on my desk. There is a great story about these, but I don't know it.

The only serious difficulty occurred when I moved the wireless router into the office, rendering the rest of the house unable to connect. Unfortunately the wireless signal won't cross universes...

• A woman stabbed a stranger in the head with a high heel in a Queens subway brawl.
• Taken to Bellvue Hospital, the man required several staples in his head. A week later he was back at Bellvue because he tried to take them out with a staple remover he had on his desk.
• Democrats, England, and Canada demanded something be done about Shoe Control. Hollywood was strangely silent.

Saudi Arabia's ban on women driving has been lifted.
Saudi comics have requested American comics send them women driving jokes.

• In a nationwide phenomenon, people are dying in Walmart parking lots I told you that shopping there was dangerous.

California Congressman Maxine Waters, founder of Fairness in Politics, has ordered people to harass Trump officials in public places. "The thing I want you to know is that we're not desperate.  If anybody asks, blame it on the Russians."

Maxine also ordered the military to make fun of Trump's hair at White House appearances. "Nyah nyah should be enough to get our point across."

Asked for a quote, the republican party could not comment because it was rolling around on the White House lawn, tears of laughter running down its face.

Maxine also proclaimed God is on our side.
Reached for comment, God was really mad. He said a little birdie told him Maxine should make sure her affairs are in order.

The Chalkening

Consumers don't think they'll get hacked.
Consumers are stupid.

• Florida, that bastion of Amusing Stuff, aka God's Waiting Room, has just repealed a law banning unmarried couples from living together. Now all the criminals can come out from the dark. Old people sharing the same space no longer have to fear the SWAT team breaking down the door and possibly shooting the dog. Young people who flout the law need to find another quality to make them Badass.

Country legend Merle Haggard has joined that Band In The Sky. Not sure what to say about this. Admitting I feel a certain way might identify me as a country music fan, which would be tantamount to death.

• Drug maker Pfizer has terminated their planned merger with Allergan. In a rare view into huge corporate mergers, this was called off because of new laws that would not allow them to hide their money or use a tax haven offshore. Let us take a moment to empathize with these poor mega-corporations.

The World Health Organization states that the world is facing an "unrelenting march" of diabetes, which now affects one in eleven people.  So stay away from people with diabetes. It is extremely communicable through the air, like AIDS. You can also get it from toilet seats. If you do contract it, you will eventually spit out your gallbladder and turn a strange shade of orange, much like Donald Trump.

• A computer has recently painted its own 3D painting in the style of Rembrandt. Rock group Rembrandts promise legal action. The folks who ran the computer artist say the project will not be complete until the computer has a fit and runs out of the room in a Petulant Frenzy. And cuts off an ear.

Janet Jackson has delayed her tour to planning to become a mother. She's taking six months to a year off to learn how the whole thing works, another few months to perfect her technique, then will resume her tour.  Plans to use expanding belly to assist with Wardrobe Malfunctions.

• David Bowie is dominating the 2016 album chart. There's simply nothing as good for your career as death. Ask Hendrix.

In its rush to rename a law for Antonin Scalia, nobody noticed that the result would be ASSlaw. He said ass - heh heh.

• Speaking of which, I will never be too old to not laugh at farts. Or places like Lesbos and Phucket.

ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce the final season of Americans Idle. Unfortunately it's too late - everyone has migrated to the Kardashians.

• Here are four tips to stop iTunes from slowing down your computer. Actually I'll make it five: Don't use iTunes.

Lawyers for ex House Speaker Dennis Hastert have asked for leniency because of health reasons and because he is "deeply sorry."  Well, if he's deeply sorry, let's drop the charges. He has obviously learned his lesson.  Among other things, he is accused of child molestation.