Thinking of Becoming a Chimney Sweep

The clothing allowance sucks and sex on the job always involves the fire department.



So sue me: I watch science shows.
Particularly good are the ones featuring Bob Ballard. He wears a hat, so you can't miss him.
He also has some expensive equipment and tiny Hyundais that can withstand the incredible pressure of the deep sea. The pressure could crush most things on the planet, except possibly Dick Cheney.

Ballard manages to find stuff. Life finds a way, and does so in most environments, even the very deep sea. They're called extremophiles - they even exist in space; proving that politicians will exist everywhere. There are all sorts of things down there, like large tubes that shoot out hot black stuff, medium tubes that shoot out carbon dioxide [CRbN Ox2], and small tubes that shoot out commercials. Much life is black because they can't see at that depth, plus it's impossible to get laundry service below 500 feet.  Remember: nothing down there has nipples, in case that affects your plans.

Make sure you phone ahead for a reservation: they don't get many visitors, and you're likely to interrupt things you don't want to see.

Ballard's theory is that life began in the sea. I agree with him, but then the aliens genetically modified sea life and produced us. The things we see in the skies are the aliens returning. This is a bit of bad luck.. they'll take one look at the place and halt the experiment immediately and violently.

• Hey, if you 'just happen to 'peruse' the adult Wife Lovers website, it's been hacked and the information you never put there is in the wild. The explanation for the hack is very technical: it was protected by a 40 year old encryption method that can be cracked by moose (even Clyde, the special moose).
• Double disappointment here: your information is for sale AND the site is down.

Remember the story about the Chinese inserting a tiny chip on Super Micro motherboards that would grant them access to the entire server? Me neither.

Super Micro rushed to action and just now put out a release. They have maintained all along that there is no such thing. Even the Department of Homeless Security and the US Securities and Exchange Commission agree it didn't happen. DHS said, "We... I mean.. They did not plant a single chip on motherboards, on the upper right hand side, next to resistor R34 and the remote detonator." Amazon never found anything, and in a press release said, "We found nothing, and we are prepared to back this up by actually looking at the motherboard next time." Even that stupid geeky kid from the commercials agrees.

Super Micro, in their defense, has to begin a multi-million dollar investigation to prove something doesn't exist. This is a logical fallacy, like the alt-right taking over Hollywood. In sympathy, I have volunteered the staff and readers of ThermionicEmissions to prove honest politicians exist.

At no point has anybody asked WHY ARE WE USING CHINESE PARTS in critical systems?

• Amazon wants ICE to buy its facial recognition software.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• As if ICE isn't already using it.

If you're ever in the kind of mood that makes life worth living, ask yourself if the Return on Investment on ICE is in the positive range. If that hasn't torpedoed your mood, ask if the entire government's ROI is in the positive range. That should take care of any remaining positivity until I come up with another question.

• We have spoken of hacks caused by open Amazon buckets. The obvious answer is to keep your buckets closed. The interesting piece of information here is that the buckets are closed by default: you have to open them on purpose. We is perfeshunells.

Kaley Cuoco is on the cover of some women's magazine, looking pretty nice. Kaley and I have a long history, what with her calling all the time. My wife got tired of telling her not to call again, even though she knows I'm faithful. She called again after her first marriage imploded (I told her not to do it). Anyway, if you look at the magazine cover closely, her lips are actually saying 'lefty'. Check it out.

• I just wanted everyone to know that if I can't get the visitor numbers up, I will write more.

"I like Diet Coke - it's super good.

I like putting together furniture. I'm also into friends who leave voice messages."

Normally, I can tell what advertisements are up to. This one baffles me. 

Is it because I'm not 20-something? Because I have a brain? Because I don't fuck chickens?

Do you think I can sell this through lefty's Ad Agency?

"I like Coke. I hate Diet Coke. In fact, the only thing worse than Diet Coke is Diet Pepsi.  I like pissing people off. I'm also into sex before the first date. Did you know Coke can be used to strip paint on cars?" If you put high fructose corn syrup on your nipples, they grow to an enormous size.

• It's not that this show is old, but the laptops have floppy drives

Dear lefty, Security 'Expert':

lefty, my radio app goes out to Russia. Are they trying to hack my phone?
     - Blue in Antarctica

Dear Frigid:
No, they're trying to influence eyebrow fashions. The solution to this, and all cell phone problems, is mistakenly dropping it in the toilet and accidentally flushing.

• I will always be freaked out by the shows about guys with four or more wives. I won't watch any of them, but the concept makes my head spin... four times the bitching, four times the kids, and four women who won't sleep with him.

• Out of 7.6 billion people on the planet, you're definitely one of them.*

*World population has experienced continuous growth since the end of the Great Famine of 1315–17 and the Black Death in 1350.   Good times...




Please... I beg of you.. stop the nonsense..... there's apparently a tv show called Black Jesus.

• Why not Martian Jesus... he'd be green, like me.
• Further, I demand a show called White Oprah
• all Asian sports teams - especially basketball and hockey.
• Law and Order SUV, featuring an all Mexican cast with heavy accents
• M*A*S*H with blacks: who else would the army put in the middle of a war? They could do a lot with Klinger....
• the Jackson family tribute, with white, female musicians

I read something about what Jesus looked like. They used actual science to demonstrate it. The first point was Jesus is pictured as a caucasian fellow with a beard, but Jesus didn't really look like an Allman Brother. Jesus probably looked exactly like anyone else at the time (because if not, it would have gone worse for him. Worse than crucifixion?).

I don't have the picture they used, but it was kinda similar to Saul Rubinek, a semitic looking guy with dark hair, maybe a beard. Saul was in Warehouse 13 and might have appeared briefly in an original Star Trek episode.

I got some of that Jamie Lee Curtis Activia Probiotic yogurt, largely because Mrs lefty bought some. As I ate it, I looked at the label: thousands of probiotics in this yogurt!  It made me sick. I can almost see the little bastards, congregating on top of the yogurt, mocking me. And I'm supposed to eat that shit?

Let's face it.. yogurt is kinda limited, flavorwise. I can tolerate strawberry and blueberry, but that's about it. It's not like they have very chocolate. There's a vanilla, but it's too subtle. They have lemon too, but seriously.. Plus you can only get low fat or no fat varieties. What about high fat? Rocky Road? Crunchy Frog? Oreo? Chocolate chip cookie, perhaps. Currently they have gravel, which isn't much variety.

I've been feeling kinda icky lately... tired, achy, sneezy... thinking back, it coincides with the start of eating healthy...   Coincidence? I think not.

• Internet of Things sales are slowing down in Europe and the US, due to privacy concerns. I am so proud of you....

I suspect we are about to see the most serious, violent response ever to a security breach. The Girl Scouts may have had a breach. If people aren't able to get their Thin Mints, there will be rioting in the streets. I would not bet on the safety of the hacker. On the positive side, hackers will seriously reconsider their hacking activities.

• If you're from the US and find yourself entering Canada, on purpose or through error, you might want to consider leaving your medical marijuana at home. Canada does not recognize medical pot. You will be arrested. If there is over a certain amount, you'll be charged for smuggling drugs into Canada. Your vehicle might be seized until you pay a fine. You might even be thrown in jail for intent to sell.
• Oddly enough, they don't seize antidepressants.
• On the third hand, if you bring pot into another country, maybe some jail time will get through your thick skull that this is not a smart idea.
• If you're really bored and have some time to burn, bring in a tiny sealed baggie of baking soda.

Parking Wars: a bunch of people screaming because they don't read or don't care, then blaming the ticket writer or tow operator.

• Ever listen to the radio, hear a great song from one of your favorite bands, then go completely cold? I heard our local rock(HA!) station playing Little Feat. I started shivering, like they were going to announce one of them died. They don't play my favorite groups on the radio....
• I just checked... no deaths mentioned. I did find out that in 1975, Jimmy Page said they were his favorite American band. Wow.. imagine hearing that....

PENNY NEWS

She has just stolen her first (white) Oreo. She officially approves.

She has already stolen about four stuffed Eeyores. This will cost us quite a bit in Eeyore Replacement. Only Eeyores..... Marshall ate Eeyores too. Must be a dog thing.

Due to discovering several hitherto undiscovered escape holes in the fence, we have to walk her on a leash in her own yard. Can you see me repairing fences? I'd probably use the wrong tool (explosives, the car). 

She's another in a long line of tissue shredders. There's apparently something irresistible about shredding tissues. Can any of my readers elaborate? Can you ask your dogs, please?

Being an English Cocker, she barks with an accent. She has signaled her desire to be 'more than friends' with my leg.

She steals anything edible held under 5' and thinks the tissue box is a snack dispenser. Let's be gross here (still): her output is strewn with white tissue bits. Talk about fiber....



I've Had It

Know what I hate?
Everything.

Yeah, that's my normal attitude, but it's getting worse. I spend time on Twitter, and Reddit, meeting nice people and talking guitar. The political shit and vicious attitudes are completely out of hand - it's downright toxic. I used to shake my head at people who took 'twitter vacations', but now I understand. If I were to purge the political folks from my view, it would be interesting. And unearthly quiet. Regardless, I'm going to be cutting my participation down and somehow eliminating politics. I'm telling you this because I know you care (and you've stopped reading by now). If you choose to do something similar, it's quite possible your mood will improve. Maybe more than just your mood.

Are you sick of social media crap? Other crap?
Have you taken a vacation from it? How did that work out?
If it didn't, call 1-800-Jerry-Springer and maybe you'll be on the show. You will have to pass the chair-throwing and ugly tests first. You must also take an IQ test (and fail).

Track THIS

An Australian man, working for a Western Australia water management company, was invited to a meeting at work, with their equivalent of Human Resources. Every employee was given a PDA (Public Display of Affection or Personal Digital Assistant, depending on day of the week), to track where they were. His records stated that he was working at different places but there was no report from his PDA/tracker that he was there.

The fella had a thing for a certain snack food. The bag it came in was foil and mylar. He placed the PDA in the bag, which acted as a Faraday cage. For those of us not electronically oriented, it's a device from which no signals get in or escape. This prevented the PDA from ratting him out. A brief investigation showed that he was out playing golf. 140 times. Now there's a man dedicated to his work. Or something.

• it's time for my non-seasonal rant about unboxing. As we spend a lot of time online (admit it - you'll feel better), we might have seen this. This is a activity wherein you take a picture of something you got and post it online. We, who work in IT and have a more evolved and nuanced sense of sarcasm, can find no useful reason for this behavior. We also make Lemon Face when we see people posting pictures of their food. Or stupid Dog Filters.
• This behavior is particularly egregious in the world of musicians. Some perfectly affable gent will take a picture of his brand new, just released effects box. Every reader is excited because they haven't gotten theirs yet or they're waiting for a demo on YouTube, to figure out whether they need this box or not.
• And what greets them, after the headline "New Illudium P32 Explosive Space Modulator"?  A flipping picture. Gee, that's helpful. Stereotypes don't appear from a vacuum, hence the stupid guitar player.

You've got a cell phone. Of course you've got a cell phone.

You have your location services on, either through ignorance, because of the Gee Whiz app, or you simply don't care. Even if location is off, you can still be tracked. What kinds of information is tracked and what might be traced back to you? Some ad companies will allow you to opt-out but want your Wifi and Bluetooth MAC addresses. Yeah, right. Does it matter that Google collected information anyway, after these were opted out?

Whether you have an existing or new android cell phone, here are five simple tips to keep it safe.

• What price security?  Paypal purchased TIO, a payment processor, for $230 million. TIO got hacked into. TIO halted all activities to avoid further losses. Meanwhile, the Personally Identifiable Information of about 1.6 million customers leaked. Paypal announced that it had found issues with TIO's data security program that did not adhere to its own standards.
• This infers that Paypal did not check TIO's security standards.
• Is a $230 million acquisition a mere pittance - too low to bother checking out its security? Where's the line? A billion?
• In addition to not bothering to secure itself (it owns TIO, therefore it's Paypal), the business has provided a lot of grief to a lot of people. Even though I was a customer, I'd advise not using it.

One of the largest (Chinese) manufacturers of drones stands accused of helping China spy on the US. Because we buy Chinese drones.... what could possibly go wrong? Once again, the government keeps us safe.

• It's a good thing the holidays are coming up. We now get treated to all sorts of ridiculous xmas commercials, some showing up as early as Halloween. This year we're treated to talking carrots and meerkats with German accents, that seem to go on forever. The Brits get a continuing story of two people who met on public transportation and are trying to hook up. This must have something to do with a cell phone provider, or why would they bother bothering us with this nonsense. The only reason I don't throw the screen across the room is that the female is cute, with a lovely, understandable Scottish accent. And I can't afford another screen. As I type this, I swear to you that the commercial just came on.

Yeah, I'm old school. Up til the current car, all my tires were cheap and large. The current car has tires that are small, with large rims and tiny (not thick) tires. What do you suppose would happen if current cars used real tires? My guess is a better ride, but I have absolutely no knowledge of tires, except that mine cost over $200 each, where they used to cost $60-80. Aside from the sound of Get off My Lawn, this is a genuine question. Any car people readers?

• Think you're busy this holiday season? The poor folks at Amazon have been working 55 hour weeks, falling down on the job, and taken away in ambulances. Fortunately the problem was solved when the executives jumped to inaction and offered the employees small chocolates.

Everybody's favorite right wing tongue, Gene Simmons, was banned for life from Fox News. According to reports, he barged in on a staff meeting and exposed his torso, shouting, "Hey chicks - sue me!" Furthermore, he told Michael Jackson pedophilia jokes and mocked the intelligence of the staffers.

The article did not explain, however, why he was banned.

• Everybody's favorite perennial presidential candidate, Vermin Supreme, sued after he was denied a permit to bring ponies to a Hillary Clinton book signing.

Vermin Supreme for president

• After brief research, which is the only kind of research I do, Vermin is now a libertarian. Considering the recent candidates, as well as the Guy in the Loincloth, Vermin will be a welcome change.
• Vermin's 2020 slogan: How could I possibly be any worse?
• Before I decide on whether he gets my vote, I want to know if there will be personalized boots for our heads, or will they just say Vermin Supreme on them? How does one go about sizing them?

Today's Stupid Commercial: What worries you most about your financial future?

One of the kids pops up and says, I don't have any money.

• Also overheard on tv: "she's in an advanced stage of pregnancy." 
• What's that - the baby's halfway out?

Marshall Update: as mentioned previously, the oncologist canceled Marshall's last chemo treatment because he was doing so well. This week's appointment was looking around for lesions in his mouth. It turns out he's not fond of fingers in his mouth, much like the rest of us. 

So after all that, the onco wants to operate, to remove the lesion and go with pills for a while. When we got the estimate, one of us turned white, the other turned green. When we said we'd need to think about this, the doc said no problem - it just has to be done within two weeks. With oral chemo, it'll give him 6-9 months. Oddly enough, other options we discussed earlier would give him the same amount of time.

No one mentioned another operation until today.

Can't help but feel we're being led down the Golden Path, only we're giving away all the gold. Last I checked, neither of us are vets, so it's not like we can ask medically relevant questions. As you'd imagine, this is somewhat upsetting.

Mind you, Marshall's in great spirits; eating like mad, drinking like madder, and demanding everything be dropped so he gets what he wants at that moment. He's got bounce in his step, almost like a puppy. He's leaping on furniture he couldn't six months ago. 

The only criterion is that he's pain-free and comfortable.

this is probably a bad blog to read if you're an Apple fan

That's a Lot of Medicine for A Dog

One million Chinese-made devices have been hacked for massive internet attacks. This illustrates two things: avoid Chinese-made junk. And this is yet another example of Things To Come.

• There's a very interesting article on Delta's power outage in August. It claims that the problem was more of a cyber attack than a power outage. It makes good points. It also backs up what I've been saying about the event: it was not what they claimed. I stated that there had to be Serious Backups and Redundancies because this was Incredibly Important Infrastructure (and there was). This is not a good thing, especially combined with the fiber cuts in California and the ongoing probing of the power grid.

Kim K was robbed at gunpoint in France. She begged for her life, but more importantly, that the thieves not ruin her makeup or take a bad picture of her.

• October 3: the birthday of Saint Stevie Ray Vaughan. He would have been 62.

The Supreme Court has neglected to hear mobster Whitey "The Bulge" Bulger's appeal for killing eleven people. Whitey, 87, will have to spend the rest of his life in prison. His 100 year sentence will allow good-behavior probation in 5 years. Don't you wish, one day, to be as cool as Whitey and have a nickname like The Bulge? Maybe not so much ordering 11 people dead, but maybe knowing you could. The reason for the appeal was that Whitey claims to only have killed ten people, not eleven, hence his bid to have the entire case thrown out.

In case you're curious, the only parts of the above paragraph that are true are his conviction and life in prison.

• Three people who studied unusual states of matter have won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Well, it's not quite Obama's Peace Prize but it will have to do.

The only thing better than a presidential debate is a vice-presidential debate. If you don't believe me, watch it. In the interests of mental health, I'd avoid it. Update: Bill Weld, the libertarian candidate, isn't allowed to debate, like Gary Johnson, the presidential candidate.

But wait - what is this??? Trump's VP candidate, Pence, has a signature line is that he is "a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order." Uh-oh. I don't care what he wants to do in his spare time but this is a potential violation of the First Amendment.

• Don't ask how I know but my Bluetooth earphones at work reach into the bathroom. When I say the meeting is shit, I mean it.

Amnesty International has accused the world's wealthiest nations of shirking responsibility towards refugees, saying they host the fewest and do the least. No word yet from Amnesty on terrorist refugees.

• According to a study by 'Girlguiding,' girls in the UK are markedly less confident about their looks than they were five years ago.  No word yet on whether Girlguiding studies parents teaching self-esteem. I'm not particularly attractive but that's the way I am and I'm not likely to slit a wrist because I don't look like something from GQ (or MTV).

It's a good thing for Julian Assange that the embassy hasn't suffered a collapse into its own footprint. Yet.

• Marshall the cocker continues his health issues and our bid to cure him. He loves his new food - it's even better than cat food, and he LOVES cat food. He flatly refused the dry stuff, preferring to be hungry. The wet stuff is his favorite. The newer wet stuff causes diarrhea, His meds were no problem, as we put them in peanut butter. Now he's refusing the peanut butter, so he doesn't get breakfast until he's hungry enough to eat his meds. We really need to get him a dog but the wife is not happy with that idea and I like sleeping in my own bed.

Today's joke: a government worker makes it to his desk on time and performs his job.

Thank you. I'm available for children's parties.

• I know stats are the lifeblood of everything, so you'll want to know that 8 people accessed the blog yesterday. Cumulative stats (of who knows when - I don't have a need to know) are that the largest amount are from Poland, use Chrome and run linux. What does this mean? How the hell should I know - I'm just sharing info.

Are you ready for the Buzzword of the Day?

Bromosexual: a friendship between a straight man and a gay man.

Aren't you glad you asked?

Along with Buzzword of the Day, I give you Important Test of the Day.

At the Paris Motor Show, a BBC reporter tested cup holders in a range of cars.

Because, you know... this can be the tipping point in the decision of which super car to buy.

• If any of you are in the path of Hurricane Matthew, I need you to remain alive. Please be safe.