Hippos Wearing Tutus

The IRS has warned tax professionals to create data security plans.
This would have been a great thing for the cities that got hit with ransomware. Or just having good backups.

Which brings me to the same topic: You need a data security plan.

Let's simplify it a bit.. you at least need backups. Even if your phone stores your data In The Cloud, it's not enough - for the phone or anything else. There are many huge backup services In The Cloud that can back up your data automatically. I'm talking about your home computer/laptop(s), and phones. You want to have at least two backups, with at least one off premises. 

Create a scenario where there's a serious spike or brownout in your electricity, wreaking havoc on your home computer (s).  Even if your computers get blown up, you can buy new ones and reload your data from backups. If your data is In The Cloud, you can restore from there, but the data has been known to 'get lost', so your 2nd backup, perhaps burned to a CD at home, will restore.

If, heaven forbid, something happens to your house, a copy of your data In The Cloud or at a relative's house, or in a safety deposit box, will save your bacon. You can never be too careful with your data. You will instantly regret not doing this the first time your device dies.


Discovered on Reddit: malicious links leading to android ransomware. It's limited at this point, but could go wider. 

There is a new attack on driverless cars: a drone projects a stop sign or obstacle, so quickly you can't see it, but the car can. Because drones follow you.

Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warming whatsoever, stop operating.  - Dave Barry

Dear lefty:

• I need more sex from my girlfriend of 2 months. Whenever I bring it up, she gets angry and we get nowhere. She used to be into it when we first met, but everything has gone to hell. I really love her and wonder what to do. What should I put on chocolate cake?
• Vanilla buttercream icing. To be authentic, just eat the icing. Cake is merely a delivery system for icing.

Hairy the Ginger Prince and Princess Megan announced they're only having two children, to help the planet.  Harry, Megan, do not fret. You're not that ugly or objectionable, so you won't be hurting the planet moreso.  Although influencing others not to breed might be worth it. On the other hand, if you're that worried about the planet, don't have any kids (you selfish royal, virtue-signalling bastards).

Meanwhile, Megan is reportedly looking at in-vitro fertilization.



I don't do sports, so the closest I get is the news:

• The ability to overlay ads on the field is appalling.
• How come female golfers don't look nearly as clownishly dressed as men?
• In the most recent election, the UK's Silly Party got 1% of the vote. This is usually an ugly sport, but it's so different from the US, where both parties are Silly.

Woodstock 50 will not happen. The celebration cash grab has had much trouble getting organized, with a financial backer pulling out early. With acts like Miley Cyrus and Jay Z, Jimi and Bill Graham were revolving in their graves.

• Watching the last few public appearances since the election, Boris "Cindy" Johnson's hair seems to have calmed down a bit. Rumor has it the Royal Lawnmower has gone tits up.

For some reason, known only to the Universe and Frank Zappa, I managed to get tickets to see ZZ Top. This was thwarted last time after trying 9 browsers and 3 operating systems. Customer service said to call the venue. The venue's hours make banks jealous. Using stripped down Chromium, I mostly succeeded. Except they told me the password was wrong. While resetting it, they told me I couldn't use an old password. Well if I couldn't use it, then it was correct in the first place, right? While waiting for the password reset, all the work I had done selecting the tickets was wiped out. When I got back in, those tickets were gone. I hate these companies with every fiber of my being. I hate the process. If every other site can be accessed by most browsers, why not Ticketmaster/Live Nation?

This is where it gets even more funner: there is a $17.50 'service fee', and a $5.00 'order processing fee' per ticket. Why do they do this? Because they can.

But wait - how would I like the tickets? Well, electronically on my phone would be fine. And halleleujah, free! Oh, too bad. They're not going to send me the actual emailed PDF files - it has to be viewed in their app. If they think I'm going to install their spyware on my phone, I suggest they hold their breath and wait for me. There are a number of other ridiculously-priced options. I finally had them mail the tickets to me, for $5.00. These people occupy the lowest rung of hell, just next to politicians and child molesters (redundant, I know).  By the time I'm done, there is the ticket price plus $20 per ticket in ridiculous fees.


Just for fun, I went to my state's drivers license site and found out one can renew a license online! Of course it took 3 browsers to find out one can't, because there's a certain time to do this and we're naturally outside of it. The 'solution' is to fill out a PDF. When the PDF comes up, one can check boxes, but not fill in text. This is about right for the state. So I have to download them, print them, fill them out, have them notarized, then mail them off. No problem, right?

Problem.

My $&#ing printer gave up the ghost a bit ago. My new printer. I don't have the time or desire to open it up and fix it, so I had to order a new one.  A certain huge electronics chain that I won't mention, but rhymes with Shmest Guy, has printers. Oops, the only ones in stock are the wrong kind, plus one that's twice what I want to spend. The site promises it can have the printer sent to the local store within a week, more or less (more). But they might consider shipping it to me, within a few days (depending on the weather and whether Mercury is in retrograde). So I have to get the printer, print forms, notarize, and send to the state. Then play America's Got No Talent til they get around to sending stuff back to me.

This is why I don't order online. Or leave the house. Or deal with the govt. Or consume diet anything.


UPDATE
After the successful ticket order, I made a successful printer order. They got it to me next day, I plugged it in and it worked perfectly. No drivers, nothing. We should play the lottery.  Notice that Best Buy's website allows me to order without Major Grief (he lives in my house). Not so much Ticketmaster/Live Nation.

• Bette Midler has declared herself a write-in candidate for president in 2020. Sorry, Bette, but your behavior mirrors the person you've been complaining about. We don't need more of that in the White House. Oh yeah, do you have a platform? Going to close the border to illegal aliens? Hollywood loves that. Uphold the Second Amendment? Change the national anthem to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?

SJW Stuff

In England, a woman was arrested after video surfaced of her shouting "Shame on you" at a Pride Parade. England is going down the toilet, starting with the Public Order Act, which means police can jail you for doing anything they don't like at the moment. Cursing will get you a ride, as will racial epithets.


CNN
Have you ever noticed the popularity of white robots? The reason for these shades of technological white may be racism, according to new research


The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, the House Democrats’ powerful campaign arm, has just abruptly purged half a dozen staffers. Why? Because they are white.   That's racist.

Suck it Up

You'll notice all the commercials for vacuums. There's all sorts of new technology to suck stuff up. One of them is battery power, because plugging your vacuum into an outlet is so inconvenient.  You have to admit these ads are quite compelling, showing young, attractive people using the device, in an apparent attempt to clean.  Let's face it - their 'dirty' furniture is cleaner than our clean furniture. There's even a dog. Yeah, right. They don't show the dog defecating on the floor (or the couch).  This is supposed to make you feel all kinds of positive about vacuuming. They have smiles on their faces, while explaining all the new Sucking Features and Methods of the device.

So you buy one of these, at approximately three times what you paid for your current vacuum, that you don't use. Because nobody likes to vacuum, except those OCD people, who will do it at 3am if necessary, and it's always necessary. The manufacturer has sold another unit and you've done your part to help capitalism. You're still not going to vacuum.


Which brings me to Dyson. Dyson is a name that was made up after months of focus groups; the kind that bother you in malls. It sounds all scientific and miraculous. Dyson makes devices that bend the laws of physics as we know them (and we generally don't know them). Everything they make is in the form of a stand or handle, with a loop at the end. The loop is where it all happens. Their handheld Loop Device will cool an entire house (and dog-sit). As if the miracle of air conditioning weren't enough, it purifies the air. It's an ingenious little device, which came from back-engineering a thingie on the ship that crashed at Roswell. Yes, this is alien technology. When turned on, the device causes the house to time travel to a colder season, thereby making it feel cooler. Consult your doctor to see if Dyson is right for you. May cause kidney failure, death, or embarrassment. Whatever you do, do NOT send out your bills or make vacation plans while the device is working. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the device when you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. Or just want to have sex.


in a variety of sizes

• I need to hurry up before all the Engelbert Humperdinck tickets sell out

• Because you're DYING to know, his real name is Arnold George Dorsey. He changed his name to Englebert for the German composer of 19th century operas (because the reference is so much more hip to American audiences)

The absolute best question in 5 years of being on Reddit is "Why is it easier to insert a cucumber into my vagina than a carrot?"  This is not a typical question, but an award-winning one.

• Gaming Disorder is officially recognized by the World Health Organization. Repetitive Stress? In that case, I already have it, but not from games.
• And in a manic spurt of activity, the World Health Organization no longer classifies being transgender as a mental disorder. Twitter's right wing will be very upset.

One looks back every now and then.... and realizes one never really ran afoul of upskirting laws. It's too late now.

• No matter who you are, there will be someone who sees angels and fairy dust when they say The Cloud. When they speak of this with great reverence, make sure to mention that a scan by research firm Lacework turned up 22,000 systems unprotected or publicly available.

Recently there was an anti-knife protest in England.

Anti. Knife.

Because knives are a gateway to spoons.

• Thank goodness this is a light week, because researchers only found seven vulnerabilities in 400 models of IP Cameras (security cameras). 

In feminism news, the self-victimization continues: Mindy Kaling claims that white male critics are being 'unfair' to 'Oceans 8'.  Or maybe it just sucks, I don't know. The single commercial I saw reeks of 'we needed to make this movie with women in all the important roles.'

A feminist bookstore closes from lack of sales, white men blamed.

If there was a meeting of white men, strictly for the purposes of closing feminist bookstores and being unfair to female-led movies, I never got the invitation and I'm feeling some kind of way about this. In fact, I never got the invitation for any meeting of white males, for any reason (including nerding, the presidency, or heavy metal bands).

• A California judge has ruled that Twitter’s policy of banning users “at any time, for any reason or for no reason” may constitute an “unconscionable contract”, and that a lawsuit against the company brought by self-described “white advocate” Jared Taylor may proceed on that basis.
• Wow. 
• We know I'm not a legal scholar, but unconscionable contract seems to be a way to get out of one way contracts. If true, there are so many contracts as to be unconscionable. They might include any social media, credit cards, mortgages, etc etc etc. This is an observation, not a complaint.
• Many people are upset at Twitter for throwing people off randomly, generally the right-leaning. The victim this time is a white supremacist, claiming Twitter's policy of free speech is a lie. He's correct, no matter how disgusting the speech. This mirrors the First Amendment, however, the Social Justice Warriors believe they can censor anyone that doesn't agree with them (because words hurt). 
• IF Twitter can be held to their Free Speech claim, this would be good news for many. Something about this smells odd, though. Should a private corporate entity have to be burdened with government regulation (no matter how much I'd like to see Twitter suffer)?

Speaking of women, I just saw a commercial where the big question was "How do I want to be seen as a woman?"  Strong, assured, etc. Works for me. While these qualities are being listed, a flawless model is lithely walking around in a small bathing suit, then standing in a pool. Is this what they call mixed messages?

• Speaking of commercials, I saw one for Period Poverty. It's from a pad company that is donating one pad to schools per box sold. 
• Did you know about Period Poverty? I didn't.
• If anyone reading experiences this, please contact me.

Get ready: the very smart, enterprising people at Google have announced a spying device for hotels. It's called Sleep Spy (no it isn't, but it should be). Google promises not keep any data (and Google wouldn't lie, would they?).

Alexa, have the front desk bring me 97 lubed condoms, black
Alexa, where do I get a leather mask at this hour?
Alexa, I need a companion: flat rate, not hourly. any mix of genitalia, likes pudding.
Alexa, send a death threat to Google headquarters. Sign it from you.

• A journalist decided to spend ten days off Faceyspaces. He was harassed to death by the very same Faceyspaces. Good reading.

State police are looking for a Pennsylvania man, Shawn Christy, of McAdoo, after he posted a message on social media, threatening to put a bullet in Trump's head. The message has since been erased. Christy is to be presumed armed and dangerous, so if you see him, yell, "Hey pussy - Trump made your mother his love slave."

The Secret Service's response was, "You want to shoot the president? Stand in line, idiot."

Many people accuse the president of many negative things. If you think critically, you'll notice he's been great for the economy: the Secret Service is nine times as busy handling threats, gun sales are good (but not as good as under Obama), lawyers are having a boom year, and social media has gone through the roof with people bitching about every thing he does/wears/says. Even porn stars are in the news. Mental health counselors and heart doctors can't keep up with the demand, as well as forensic cleaning crews, for when his detractors' heads explode.

Soggy Cocker

Happy After July 4th, folks. Check the emergency rooms for your friends and neighbors because the fireworks were flying, as well as the limbs and digits. I hope your pets were ok during the BOOMs.

• The Girl Scouts of America have announced a cybersecurity badge. To earn it, they have to hack Nordstroms or Macys and deposit their stolen booty into Bitcoin, with a receipt.

Since Marshall's pool went up, he likes to go out to do his business, then take a dip before he returns. Whoever lets him in yells SOGGY COCKER so the other one can make sure there are towels to cover his favorite spots. This tends to happen at 12am, before bed. Since he's mostly deaf, the fireworks did not bother him. Last year there was barking.

In less pleasant Marshall news, we saw some blood in his mouth and took him to the vet. It's a growth and he's scheduled for surgery and biopsy next week. Your best wishes because it's going to come up benign are always appreciated. He is in no discomfort and his behavior is absolutely normal (whatever that means).

• Out driving the other day, I noted a sign. It said "Do not stop on railroad tracks." We need a sign for this? There are actually people who stop on railroad tracks? Of course there are. Some very large law firm made a lot of money right before the sign went up.

My buddy learned something new last week: letters come back to you if you fail to affix a stamp. Life is for learning.

• We know CNN has given up any pretense of decent journalism and pretty much makes things up at this point. After the recent very silly, unpresidential Trump tweet, CNN actually managed to locate the person who made it, got an 'apology', and threatened to publish his name and info at any point in the future. This, me hearties, is blackmail.
• Would Walter Cronkite do this?
• Have they gone insane?
• This has absolutely no relation to journalism.
• With the 'detective work', CNN has pissed off Reddit, where they discovered the artist. It is very dangerous to piss off Reddit, so things should get interesting shortly...
• If this bothers you, stop watching CNN.

I tend to misbehave. I'm particularly bad at funerals and churches. And weddings, which are technically funerals where you can smell your own flowers. My buddy is an alcoholic and I volunteered to go to a meeting for support. It turns out I also exhibit misbehavior at AA meetings...

• you do not tell anyone you're powerless over the effects of chocolate
• if asked to share, do not start out with "Three nuns walk into a bar..."
• noting that meetings are the place where you exchange your alcohol addiction for your coffee and cigarette addiction is also frowned upon
• breaking out into song and sighing while looking at your watch can earn you some pretty nasty looks
• telling the story about three hookers and so much Jack Daniels that you had to be told what you did with the donkey is very amusing, but should probably wait til long after the meeting is over

My friend thanked me profusely, noting that he felt so supported that he didn't need any more support for quite a while. Sounds like win/win to me.

• Everybody's favorite network, Faceyspaces, won another one in court, when a suit was thrown out over tracking users after they signed out. The judge said the plaintiffs did not show harm or prove a reasonable expectation of privacy.
• Solution 1: do not use Faceyspaces. I know you're surprised that I'd suggest this, but we must do what we must do.
• Solution 2: the tracking takes place via cookies. Disable cookies-at least 3rd party cookies. This may make FB behave strangely (moreso) but it's worth a shot.
• Solution 3: use browser addins that aggressively block and clear cookies - especially trackers. Ghostery will stop trackers and works on most, if not all, browsers. Firefox has a Self-Destructing Cookies addon, plus BetterPrivacy
• Solution 3+: configure your browser to 'forget' history when you close it. This will remove all cookies, data, and history. It can also be accomplished by using the Private Browser Window in most browsers: the moment you close the window, all data is erased. It is important to close this window/browser or your data will be available to the next places you visit.
• FYI: cookies are tiny text files that sit on your computer, placed there by sites and ad networks. They remain after you log out or leave pages, where all subsequent sites can read them. How did one site know you looked at lawnmowers on another site? Cookies. How can they possibly know to put an ad for Tampax on a completely different site? Cookies. How is a detailed profile of you built up on Faceyspaces and across huge ad networks? Cookies. How can all of your information eventually be matched up, with income and other personal details? Cookies. Your choice.

A huge WWE leak has exposed the data of three million wrestling fans. The bad news is somewhat mitigated by the fact that most of them don't know their own data.

• You're probably asking yourself "How do I protect myself from this ransomware and malware he's always going on about?" Here are some safe strategies:

1. Don't go online.
2. Don't do anything stupid.
3. Keep your operating system up to date/patched
4. Don't do anything stupid.

Parents have been warned over exploding fidget spinners powered by Bluetooth. Yes, everything's better with Bluetooth. Related: do not get them stuck on your penis.

• Read about the Military Industrial Complex's war for our data. Article references the UK but the idea remains the same.

Crunchy Turfroggy

Are you considering buying a 'smart' device for your kid? Take this quiz first.
Are you ready for Black Friday? Here are some security tips. Good, basic stuff.

• Viagra has been found in the South Korean presidential offices. No idea why this is a problem, but I urge the South Korean president to keep it up.

The creator of the Broadway musical Hamilton has said that Donald Trump is welcome to attend. In completely unrelated news, a new character has been added to the musical, John Wilkes Booth.

• An Australian woman who abandoned fourteen cats which ate each other is being charged with cruelty. I think the lady should be put in prison and forced to eat her cellmate but I don't make the laws. This also proves that all your suspicions about cats are true.

Remember Tomagotchis? The stupid little video 'pets' on a stupid little electronic device? They recently turned twenty. Tomagotchis were one of the early signs that civilization, as it were, was doomed. Kinda like a 1990s version of reality television.

• Obama gave out 'Medals of Freedom' the other day. He choked up when presenting one to Ellen DeGeneres. This is one time I feel solidarity with Obama - I'd choke giving her an award too, except possibly 'Most Annoying Voice'. Or the 'Who Thinks She's Funny' medal, referred to as the Seinfeld Award.

The British government's chief whip keeps a tarantula on his desk. Apparently this is a problem. It turns out the government cannot figure out what a 'whip' is. Meanwhile the whip, in an effort to minimize governmental trauma, has offered to exchange the tarantula for his other pet, a black widow.

• Donald Trump looks like he will appoint Nikki Haley, democratic governor from South Carolina, as ambassador to the UN. The appointment is dependent on her changing her name to something less porn star-ish. Trump's rationale is to put her where she can do the least damage and the UN would be the definition of least damage.

Turkey's president, Tayyip Erdogen, has fired 15,000 state employees since the attempted coup in July. Since the US gives billions of dollars to most countries, I'm all for sending a few his way, in exchange for a consulting job for the US government. The savings will more than make up for the 'aid'.

• Retailers, not satisfied with Black Friday sales, are offering them even earlier, proposing a number of changes for the Thanksgiving season:
• Black Friday will hereafter be known as Black November
• In a bid to appear magnanimous and sensitive to Family, retail employees will no longer have to work all Thanksgiving day; allowing them to eat dinner with their families, between the hours of 2am and 3am.
• For the safety of customers and employees, armed guards will be posted at all entrances, equipped with flash-bang grenades and tear gas, in case the special deal on the one remaining flat-screen tv causes a riot. Snipers will also be positioned on the top shelves of the toy aisles, if any customer draws notice to an item being out of stock. Customer Service personnel will be issued handguns and pepper spray and informed that any refunds will come out of their paychecks.

Ex-CIA General David Petraeus indicated he will serve in Donald Trump's administration if asked. While a position has not been named, two possibilities are Secretary of Secretaries and Secretary of Affairs.

• As if the holidays were not depressing enough for some people, the New Kids on the Block/Paula Abdul tour is now on the road, nicknamed "The Sad, Sick, and Lonely, Suicide Tour" As if that weren't enough to push you over the edge, Wendy 'Frankenstein' Williams and Jerry Seinfeld are also touring, creating a torture chamber near you.

Hey, are you longing for that Tesla but simply can't afford it? Simply hack the mobile app and steal it!

• In another bit of Governmental Fun, this time a Navy laptop was hacked, to the tune of 130,000 current and former sailors (personal information, including Social Security numbers). It's a good time to be in some sort of governmental employment. And when I say good, I mean Get the F- Out.
• Just in case you're still hungry for leaks after Thanksgiving, State Farm, Sheet Metal Workers Union, and Anchor Loans were discovered to have leaky databases. No word on how much data, if any, was stolen.

Faceyspaces has developed a censorship application, so it can get back into China. Keep in mind that if they can censor this particular information, they can censor virtually any information. What a tool this could be, eh?

While we're on the topic, the CEO of Reddit decided to relieve some pressure by messing with some messages, taking out his name and replacing it with moderators of /r/the_donald for about an hour, then admitting to it. This is an international site, with all sorts of user interaction and contributions. Also a site using censorship. The /r/pizzagate subreddit was just shut down because it's 'fake news'. By fake news, they mean user-investigated information into pedophiles and Satanic Ritual Abuse among elites in the government. Coincidence? The group moved to voat.com, where you can find all the information. This is not tinfoil hat. This is tinfoil hat stuff that was known and talked about for years and the facts are just leaking out, via the Wikileaks John Podesta emails. Don't take my word for it - do the research. My own relatives were shocked when they did.

• There is now a 'smart trash can', complete with smart phone app. I do not dare even go to its site but one can only wonder what kind of capabilities it has....
• alerts when can is full
• calls trash removal service to pick up
• lets you know you ordered more proprietary bags
• 'intelligently sorts' trash from recyclables, which means it will separate candy wrappers from wax paper and mistake tin cans for paper because of the labels. It will also spank the cat if it uses too much litter.
• When hacked, approximately fifteen minutes after it is plugged in, it will surrender all of your credit card information and start to hack the Pentagon. When the CIA drops by, it will sit there and pretend to be a dumb trash can.

I just found the new love of my life on reverb.com (a sort of Ebay for musicians). It's a 1958 left-handed Fender Stratocaster, at the bargain price of $35,000. Mrs lefty said to go ahead! The only remaining question is where we're going to live when we sell the house.