Sophie

Sophie


Funny machine learning fails. Cortana: show me why I shouldn't use you.

• Over in the UK, there will be a Gays Against Sharia demonstration. Since it's 2017, there will also be a counter demonstration. By gays. Called "Stand Up Against Racism and Bigotry."
• It does not take a scholar of Sharia to understand Sharia does not like gays, to the effect of throwing them off buildings. This fact is not hidden - there's plenty of video documenting it.
• So in essence, Stand Up Against Racism and Bigotry is advocating their own demise, under the guise of their own stupidity.
• Perhaps Stand Up Against Racism and Bigotry can save everybody some time and effort by holding their counter demonstration on the roof of a nearby building.
• In other news, across town, Jews Against Nazis will be holding a rally. A counter-rally will be held by Jews for Tolerance...

It's no secret I don't like Google, mostly because of their omnipresent tracking. I strongly urge everyone to use duckduckgo.com for their searches - there's no tracking. Another reason not to trust Google is that it deliberately manipulates search results. This story describes how, in an attempt to sell their failed Google+ service, they came right out and admitted, to Forbes, that if they didn't feature their social media button, their search results would be affected. There are many such reports of this happening, but here it's straight from the horse's mouth.

• The Food and Drug Administration has recalled half a million pacemakers over hacking fears.
• What are pacemakers going to do - leap out of the chests of unfortunate patients and fly to the manufacturer for updates?

Samsung will be testing self-driving cars in California. This is a good thing, because when they fail, only Californians will be hurt. It could be a bad thing, if the batteries are of the same variety as their Note 7.  It could be the next "Hunting with Dick Cheney" joke.... "Hey, let me get you a Samsung home..."

• UN Refugee Agency says they want at least 380,000 migrants in Europe per year.  Did you ever shake your head so much and so vigorously that you injured yourself?

It's been a rough time for guitar players. We say RIP to Dave Hlubek, of Molly Hatchett (66), and Walter Becker (67) of Steely Dan. These are two names from my youth and will be missed. Interestingly, Steely Dan played out recently, with Donald Fagen stating that Walter was recovering from an illness. No cause of death was given.

• ISIS has advised their followers to inject poison into food at supermarkets. Just in case you weren't going shopping today.

Just the other day I saw a woman with only two tattoos and no facial piercings.

• There's lots of ransomware about. Avoid it.

Symantec is warning that a series of recent hacker attacks not only compromised energy companies in the US and Europe but also resulted in the intruders gaining hands-on access to power grid operations.  

No, sorry, not tolerable. What's going on here? Some of it entails getting credentials from a user and getting into the system from there. This is why you never give out your login and password. Don't click on emails. If the email wants you to go to a website, go yourself - don't click the link.

• Have you noticed that the usb port in your car charges glacially slowly? Here's the agonizing truth.

There is now a wifi-equipped grill. So your neighbors can control how well done your burgers are.

• 
  

Aaaaaaaaand it's Muslims

Our hearts go out to the people of Manchester after the latest cowardly terrorist act.

Some would describe any Ariana Grande concert as a terrorist act but I'll wait a few days.

It's getting to the point that the moment there's word of any disruption, you start the countdown clock, waiting for the announcement that ISIS is at it again. I'm sure the other terrorist groups are feeling left out.

It would appear that the people who want to 'extreme vet' immigrants have a bit of a point. Unfettered immigration overseas hasn't gone well.

*Speaking of Ms. Grande, she has been quoted as saying she hates Americans and then there's the video of her in a bakery, licking donuts and putting them back. She also dresses like a fetish model then complains she feels 'objectified.'

In further Manchester news, England will actually prosecute for you saying ISIS is bad. At least we have freedom of speech here.

In still further news from somewhere left of Bernie, noted game developer and part-time hat stand Brianna Wu let this loose on Twitter: When a man straps on a bomb of nails, goes to a woman's concert to kill an audience of women and girls, IT'S A SAFE BET SEXISM IS INVOLVED. To say this woman is unstable is to do an injustice to the people who are legitimately unstable.

As if there couldn't possibly be more, there is. Katy Perry has commented on the Manchester bombing: 'No barriers, no borders, we all just need to co-exist.' The wit. The intellect. It hurts.

• Some random dude from Alabama is going to jail for online harassment of fifty women (that they know about). There was little rhyme or reason as to how they were selected, but he researched them online enough to guess their passwords and hacked away, getting into their phones and CLOUD accounts and stealing their pictures.  Again, this is some random dude from Alabama. If he caused this much damage to this large number of women, it's kinda frightening, no? It's not like he's a hacker. Hmm... oh, I see.. their passwords were so crappy he was able to guess them from online research. Read and weep. It's a good article, with practical examples of how to avoid this.

Sir Roger Moore (89) has shuffled off his mortal coil, after a short battle with cancer.  RIP, Mr. Bond.

• Marshall the cocker had his one month post-surgical visit the other day. The surgeon was shocked - she did not expect to see him in the wonderful shape he's in. We're all happy and thankful. Marshall was so enthused, he shit in the exam room. Marshall is a very complex dog.
• Speaking of complex, we can now brag that our little monster can remove the white plastic top from a Dunkin Donuts styrofoam cup AND the clear plastic top from the clear plastic cup. After either, he goes face-down into the coffee, hot or cold, and sees no ill effects from it. It's a shame I didn't have him when I needed to write papers and book reports.

Data theft allegations against four former House IT workers have gone nowhere and people are baffled. The suspicion is that these workers have data on House members, in a blackmailing kinda way. If your outlook on government is not completely sour at this moment, read this article and see how you feel. My favorite line is that there are rules stating that staffers cannot make more than House members. These are the people who are legally immune to their own laws and don't have to use the piddling Obamacare insurance - they have their own.

• A cyber-attack in Florida resulted in hackers getting hold of names of 16,000 people who hold concealed-weapon licenses.  Imagine.. that much information in one place. Poorly secured. Is there too much data stored? Do we need concealed weapon licenses? Do you trust the keepers of this data? Go ahead - guess what the ThermionicEmissions answer is.

UK Secret Classifications (applies everywhere):
Top Secret: Stuff that gets left on the train
Secret: Stuff the press has
Official: Safe to give to politicians

• Got one of those dandy new Samsung Galaxy S8 phones? They have the dandy new iris scanner. As expected, the scanner can be bypassed with a photo of your iris. The only thing missing here is the Internet of Things connection so if your signal is bad, you can't unlock the phone. Or use your iris.
• Speaking of iris. Irii? Irises? Iras? Samsung should abandon iris unlocking anyway and go for something more adventurous: breast unlocking. After all, no two breasts are alike... plus it would make morning commutes much more interesting - especially on the train.

Our local 'news' morning show has revealed that there's a 'feud' between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Putting aside my prior theory that Taylor is a fembot, and would therefore win any contest, I think this is getting out of hand. Feuds became very popular during the East Coast-West Coast rapper days. In a bid to pump up a career or get some 'cred,' these lilly white, alleged Songstresses to the Tweens are out there generating press.

No, seriously.

On 'news' programs, to my absolute horror, some have added a 'social media desk,' where a 'reporter' will weigh in on Faceyspaces and Twitter matters of great import. We will now need to contact the business on-air furniture department because we need another space: news will need to hire a Feud Reporter, with in-depth, up to the moment news of who's feuding with whom, who stole a boyfriend/girlfriend (or both), and some background on the feud and who it affects.

As if that weren't enough, we'll need one more seat. We can call this person the Sociology Reporter. He or she will report on what the feud means in terms of sociology and why we're all going to hell because of it. When news is completely devoid of content and owned by six mega-corporations, we deserve at least one person on staff to tell us the truth while the ninnies do their dance.


Wait, I hear someone fiddling....

Not Selling You Anything - Just My Fragile Ego

Apparently there's an NFL draft In Philly. I find this stuff out on the news. The city is expected to be an even bigger mess, although I can't figure out why.  Send it to New Jersey, where they could cover it between shootings. But, there's little to report on these days since cancer was cured.

• Some enterprising bastard of a hacker took control of over 200 ISIS accounts, loading them up with gay porn. This is pretty fun news, although probably misguided. The should have gone with sex with pigs to get the point home. Ok, it's pretty close either way...

Surprise! 'Inbox tidying' service Unroll.me has been caught selling data. Who would have thought that a service that has access to your email sells data? In this particular case (wanna bet there are others?), Uber bought data on Lyft receipts. The data was 'anonymized'.  The CEO has apologized for not being clear enough that it sells anonymized data to clients.  Terribly sorry we didn't make it clear that we get your firstborn.

ThermionicEmissions would like to provide you with a Guide to Data Privacy.

No.

That is your guide.

Does a service want access to your inbox?  No.

Does a service want access to your network?  No.

Does a program want access to anything else on your phone?  No.

Does a program want location access?  No.

If you ever experience a moment of doubt, ask yourself WWTED: What Would ThermionicEmissions Do? HINT: the answer is generally going to be no, unless it involves mamallian protuberances.

• Webroot Antivirus 'mistakenly' flags Windows as malware and Faceyspaces as a phishing site. I'm not sure why they said mistakenly...

Saudi Arabia has just been elected to the UN Women's Rights Commission. In other news, Palestine has been elected to the UN Commission on Antisemitism.

• Serena Williams has confirmed her pregnancy on social media. Seriously, who cares? It's a good thing cancer has been cured.

How's Marshall doing, you ask?
Spectacular! Even better than an NFL draft!
The surgeon said his incision healed completely and he won't require more meds. When the Cone of Shame came off, he went right back to Puppy Mode (he's about 13), jumping on furniture, making himself at home on the bed, getting up and down the steps without difficulty, and generally being a Happy Spaniel. We're absolutely overjoyed and thankful.

• Here's an interesting little android stat: over two million users have fallen victim to malware from the Google Play store, in the form of guides to games.
• partial list: guides for FIFA Mobile, Criminal Case, Super Mario, Subway Surfers, Pokemon Go, Lego Nexo Knights, Lego City My City, Ninjago Tournament, Rolling Sky, Amaz3ing Spider-Man, Drift Zone 2, Dream League Soccer, and many more.
• Google has cleaned the mess up but if you have downloaded any of these, it's time to run an antivirus.

What kind of fresh stupidity is this? In the name of 'gender equality', a Washington teacher doesn't let boys play with Lego ..to allow the girls to 'catch up'. 

• Our long national nightmare is over: Costco has Chocolate Frosted Flakes back in stock. Good thing - we were going through detox.

Today's As-Yet Unheard Phrase: "He loaned the wheel from our mower to the neighbor."

• Today is Alien Day. As a Martian-American, I couldn't be more proud.

As we know, I'm usually behind the 8 ball because I don't keep up with Popular Shit. In an effort to fix that, and because I care about you, I want to bring you a new term: Stealthing. And I want to bring you its definition: a man removing his condom during sex. Yes, this is now a Thing.

• The latest payment card breach is brought to us by Chipotle. This is the firm that also brought e.coli to their burritos, so it would behoove them to get it right. They believe the breach took place between March 24 and April 18 and there is no more information provided. Chipotle has not enabled the chip on payment cards, claiming it will slow down lines.  I just ate there and have damn near full confidence in their ability to keep e.coli out of my food.

Google thinks my Ubuntu linux browser is Safari. To make things more interesting, it will not allow me to upload pictures.  It's all too much first thing in the morning.

• A headline from this morning: Murder victim's Fitbit contradicts husband's version of events.  We won't get into the article but check out the title... Fitbit data. The data collected by the woman's Fitbit. Remember: all of these devices collect your information. Even if you're not planning on murdering anybody, which I hope none of us are, be aware of this with any new program or device.

Hoo boy - Amazon's new Echo Look goes wherever you get dressed and will tell you if that outfit looks good (or makes you look fat). Amazon has confirmed this data will be stored 'indefinitely'.  Yes, you too can have Amazon in your bedroom - but it won't do 'that' for you.

• When we were young, we marveled at the thoughts of what technology would accomplish in our lifetime. It's 2017, we still have cancer, but damn, those Instagram filters are da bomb, no?

Spitting Out Your Pancreas

Just this past weekend, there was a Trump rally. The anti-Trump forces were out in number. One of them decided it would be a good idea to spray pepper spray in the eyes of the Trump supporters. Things backfired when the Trump supporters expressed their displeasure of this act and retaliated. The masked coward got what looked like a few black and blue marks, after which the police apprehended him.

Make no mistake, both sides had a right to be there. Assaulting people with pepper spray, or anything else, is not part of peaceful protest. This new assault tactic seems to fit with the the narrative that free speech is only for people who agree with them. Violence is justified against people who disagree.

• Just in case you missed this, I wanted to bring you a quote I just read: "A terrorist can kill many but blasphemy can hurt feelings of millions." So go out there today and make sure you hurt no feelings.

So you're working out like mad, but don't have the time or energy to keep track of your workouts? Now you can work yourself down to the store and get an Internet of Things Workout Glove! Don't you feel better knowing that your workout information will go up the chain to whoever makes the glove? Or after a while, someone will hack the glove, which will then force you to run down the street, barking like a chicken? 

• Behaving like the tired old caricature of Intrusive Government, the UK's Home Secretary has discovered that, in the recent terrorist attack, the terrorist may have used the encrypted messenger WhatsApp and said it's unacceptable that the government can't read these encrypted communications. Convenient, no? Using any old bad news to demand people give up liberties. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Patriot Act, anybody?  The good news is that it's not likely to happen (in this case). Study this and pay attention.. you'll recognize it next time it happens. The positive here is that experts are hitting back on the charge of 'aiding terrorists'.

The University of Regina brings 'Masculinity Confession Booth' to campus, where men will disclose their 'sins'. What will these women (and men) do when there are no functional penises left in the world?

• The UK's Daily Mail featured a picture of Theresa May and Nicola Sturgeon on the cover in skirts, with the headline 'Never Mind Brexit, who won Legs-It?' The entire United States wishes to thank the UK for at least momentarily winning the Stupid News Award and taking heat off us.

Microsoft president Brad Smith is against handing over customer data to any government unless it is "legally compelled to." Not sure how this differs from any other software.  This from the company that built back doors into its software for itself and the NSA.

• Oxford University will be putting up more pictures of women to redress the balance from the university's walls being lined with pictures of "dead white males". Oxford: since our tuition is ten times normal, we need to be ten times more ridiculous.

Just the other day, ISIS extremists threw a man suspected of being gay off a building, then pelted his corpse with rocks. Because the non-extremists wouldn't have thrown rocks post-mortem.

• Krispy Kreme has decided to change its name in the UK to Krispy Creme because people have trouble pronouncing Krispy Kreme. I don't know about you but I believe our brothers and sisters in the UK are more than kapable of pronouncing "kreme." Krispy Kream/Creme states categorically that this is not an April Fool's joke. Nothing you say or do this weekend will have quite the import of this announcement.

A Spanish rapper, Valtonyc, is appealing a three-year jail sentence for his lyrics. As you know, ThermionicEmissions stands firmly on the side of freedom of speech, which apparently Spain does not. Further, ThermionicEmissions would rather Valtonyc be imprisoned for his taste in 'music'.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Marshall Update:

after interminable ear infections, surgical appointments, and one failed surgery, Marshall has seen his third doctor. His ear canals are calcified. I didn't even know this was possible and shudder to imagine it. He's in constant pain. The surgeon said leaving this alone will just keep him in pain that the meds will not adequately cover. So the recommendation is that they be removed. This will kill the pain and his hearing (whatever he has left). This is a lot to take in. It will also be a lot to pay. Surgeon says his other senses will take over and he is already starting to adapt to his hearing loss.

So if you have a moment, think some good thoughts for our 13-year-old furry child.  Thanks.

Sometimes you eat the pie and sometimes the pie eats you

Feel the Johnson

About 200 million Yahoo account credentials were just dumped online. While there is no indication if the theft is fresh, it won't hurt you to change your password. One of my friends got hacked last week.

In fact, it wouldn't hurt you to change any or all of your passwords. Make them secure. If you're not sure what secure is, do a little searching online with your favorite search engine. I use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you.

• I don't wanna say I work with some interesting old folks, but the guys in the next cubicle are discussing the need for sheetrock and the fact that one of them had a half sheet that he just threw out. No, wait, he gave it to his son. Then he proceeded to describe it. It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand this place.

More earth-shattering (stupid) news: our friends over at Apple have changed their handgun emoji to a green water-pistol. Hopefully they will not reproduce. Next up: Apple changes phone shape to round, so you can't 'point' it at anyone.

• I think I'm experiencing Political Burnout. Or General Burnout - I can never tell.

ISIS has threatened the Olympics. In Portuguese. Unfortunately the Google Translate results came out like this: "Your mother is a dumptruck. We fuck goats. We will masturbate in stadiums, to images of pork and pork products."

Just in case they're serious, some of the Olympic sports have been 'adjusted':

* The 100 yard run from explosions

* Throw the javelin at the terrorist

* The itsy bitsy, teenie weenie, yellow polka dot pork bikini pageant for women and men

* The 50 foot dive while keeping your AK47 dry

• The World Health Organization has endorsed a 42 second hand-washing method. Compulsive hand-washers all over the planet rejoice.

Non-political message: Trump called Hillary the devil.

Please put your own punchline in a comment. The winning entry will be included in the next post. There will be no monetary compensation but maybe I can manage a candy bar. Probably not.

• A Dutch man waiting for an online girlfriend to show up, spent 10 days in a Chinese airport. Between the 2 of us, I don't think she's coming, Dude.

I know it's early, but can we have a remake of "Suicide Squad" starring Congress?

• This is Bachelor Week at ThermionicEmissions, as Mrs leftystrat is off tending to two sick parents. Rest easy - Marshall and I are ok, except for figuring out how to hide the hookers and blow Marshall ordered while I was at work. The wife is likely to notice the charge on the credit card.
• The Good Neighbor is concerned, as Marshall has spent less time outside, commanding her to bring him food. Speaking of which, he was so hungry the other day, he ate his own food.
• Marshall also turns up his snout at tap water. We have to put it in a spring water bottle and refrigerate it until cold. My relatives went to Disney and brought him back a water bowl that is very difficult to tip over, as he does when it's empty. At least he has something to occupy his creative side. Meanwhile, I take the water bottle out of the fridge and announce "Special Spaniel Water." He runs to his bowl and drinks the water as I pour it from 3 feet up. After he's done drinking, he paws the water out onto the floor. Nobody knows why.
• Are you getting the picture of life in my house yet?

Donald Trump made few friends the other day, when he kicked a baby out of a Virginia rally. I don't know why people are upset: when I go to a restaurant or on a plane, I always ask for the No Screaming Baby section.

• An Australian woman just became a mother at age 63. Has this possibly gone too far? Who does she think she is - Mick Jagger?

A lawsuit has been filed against the makers of Pokemon Go over players trespassing on private property. Unfortunately, you still can't sue for stupidity.

• A leading Irish Archbishop has said he will stop sending his trainee priests to study in the country’s main Catholic college due to allegations of a “gay culture.”  Still no word on the "pedophile culture".

It has already been established that California is the Land of Fruits and Nuts but the Hollywood Set is particularly affected. The following was heard at the DNC:

"Our president is brilliant" - John Legend
"I Love You, Barack Obama" - Alyssa Milano
"I don't expect to feel as proud of a president in my lifetime as I feel about Obama" - Michael Ian Black

They appear to be living in a different universe.

Get the hell out of here before you get me SHOT

DNC in PA, PDQ NOW

Twitter has been throwing (only) conservative members off the service. Yesterday, Faceyspaces admitted it blocked certain tags critical of the DNC. Not that there's an agenda or anything.

Make America Great Again: get off Faceyspaces.

• I may have to take out a restraining order against Kaley Cuoco. She keeps calling.

Don't forget to vote. Vote wisely, vote often. Remember - you're competing with dead people. And the voting machines are owned by the parties.

• The FBI, the organization that refused to prosecute Hillary Clinton for fear of convenient death, is now very interested in pursuing the source of the DNC email links. They may actually succeed here, as it's in the Clintons' best interests to have this info.

Those nice folks over at ISIS have beheaded a priest. It's a peaceful religion. They peacefully beheaded him.

• Birthday week wishes to Sir Michael Philip Jagger.

Be careful about making your own adult movies: you may regret it when the one with her driving gets out.

• Remember Miss Cleo, from the tv psychic commercials? RIP - cancer.

If you're a bored Australian Fur Seal, you fall asleep in a Tasmanian public toile.

If you're a bored ISIS member, you behead a priest.

• A while back, my mother told me I was a mistake. Since then, I have made it my destiny.

The saddest thing I've seen in a long time: the dog with his head resting on his missing cat's carrier.

Let's Convention This Bitch Up

I feel sorry for Philthydelphia. It's not bad enough they're in a public transportation crisis because they bought poorly-made cars (that they knew about a year in advance); now there's the Democratic National Convention. It's so huge they're holding parts of it at a giant sports stadium. Wait til they find out parking is fifty dollars.  Traffic is murder at any time of the day or night, so imagine how bad it will be when portions of the city's two main arteries are to be closed. The worst will be borne by the poor commuters and people forced to live and work downtown. Good luck there, folks.

Now imagine the arriving politicans. First they land at an airport with striking workers, incompetent TSA empolyees (be fair, this could be any airport in the nation), then they see the parking three-deep at the curb, right next to the No Parking signs. Driving on the always gridlocked I-95 North, they immediately pass the waste recycling plant.. Philly smells like shit for many reasons. Heaven forbid they try to get around via public transportation or worse, by car. It's like New York but without the accent.

As if this fun couldn't be superceded, the security will be insane, especially when Hillary the Prevaricator arrives. I'm all for having it moved at the last minute. To any old state (or country) at all.  I'm not partisan - I feel sorry for Clevelanders too. Just to make things more interesting, you can open-carry guns there. Thus far it has been peaceful, or at least the gun-carriers have.

• A year and a half after I became gainfully employed, I'm still receiving job notices, some for jobs I applied for a year and a half ago. As per warning, the worst are the Indian recruiters, for some unknown reason. Today I received one from some Indian guy, saying he thinks I'd be interested in a one year contract in Toronto, Canada. Well, there's nothing like an eight hour commute to a different country to get the old metabolism going. WTF is wrong with these people?

A young immigrant has attacked people on a German train. With an axe, while shouting "Allahu Ackbar," which means "Oops, I did it again" in Swahili. Germany and President Obama say the motive isn't clear, even after ISIS claimed responsibility.

Meanwhile the Social Justice Warriors have exclaimed that no normal citizen should have an axe and sensible axe control must be enacted. Star Trek's Wil Wheaton, now famous for his "Fuck the NRA" outbursts, when reached for comment, said, "Fuck the National Axe Association!"

• I think we need a party that guarantees inclusion of another minority group: The Attractive Wingnut Party. Members will include Sarah Palin, Michele Bachman, Michelle Malkin and others to be named later.

The Pokemon Go craze is perfect for us... people have been stopping traffic and walking/driving off cliffs. That sound you hear is Charles Darwin laughing.

• I heard some of Chris Christie's RNC speech on the radio this morning. Regardless of how you vote, the guy was entertaining and nailed it.

BREAKING: sources deep within the RNC have discovered that Bill Clinton plans to vote for Trump. Because he wants a chance at Malenia.

• Baltimore police have footage of a driver playing Pokemon Go plowing into a police car. No word on whether the driver was taking a selfie at the same time.

There is now a Krispy Kreme donut-flavored soda. Is this a good thing? Is it the sign of some sort of Kardashian apocalypse?

• A study, using Real Science, shows that Harry Potter fans are more likely to dislike Donald Trump. This is a shame, as Donald was really counting on the Hogwarts Vote.

Pining for the Fjords

Social Justice Worker alert: Hillary Clinton: "Women have always been the primary victims of war. Women lose their husbands, their fathers, their sons in combat." Yeah, Hill, the men only lose their lives, but no matter....

From the same media cesspool: did you know women suffer from prostate cancer too? They suffer when their partners get it. This idiocy is not going to stop for a long time.

• A 38 year old Polish nightclub owner was practicing his tank driving, as we all do, when he drove it into his own nightclub during a live Facebook stream.  This story highlights the difference between European and American culture: you cannot drive a tank in the US. We will never be truly equal until we can.

The New Oakland, California police chief ordered a shutdown of everyone's cell phone service on SFBART because he thought there was going to be a protest. Digest this... the police can order your cell service shut down on public transportation. Because of an alleged protest.

• The 'Hack the Pentagon' program has gone very well. This is where people are encouraged to find flaws in the Pentagon's computer systems (non-core or critical systems only).  The program turned up over 100 bugs. Just in 'non-ciritical' systems. Dare we guess what's going on with critical systems? Dare we guess why we're hacked?

The Anonymous hacking collective has been going after the Islamic State by replacing content with porn, to shame them. Hopefully they haven't been using goat or child porn, which would only excite them.

• Three women were charged for assaulting McDonald's employee for working too slowly. I'm wondering if the threat of this can be used to get employees to work faster and, more importantly, more accurately. Maybe they can be hired or visit different stores. The mind boggles.

Russian government hackers have been in the DNC network for up to a year. The State Department doesn't have to release emails - the Russians have already threatened to.

• Microsoft has purchased LinkedIn. As if either of them mattered.

With all the crap going on in the world, New York proves there's still a shred of humanity, after three men jumped down from a subway platform to save a man on the tracks. I'm sure there's a lot of this going on but it goes unreported.

• We here at Thermionic are against all forms of gun control. However, some guy adjusted his pants at Zabar's, an upscale Manhattan market, and shot himself. This is the kind of gun control we need. Some might call it Darwinism.

German Justice Minister Haiko Mass says Germany will not recognize polygamous or underage marriages, as practiced by immigrants. Apparently assaulting Germans and throwing gays off buildings are still on the table.

PRO TIP FOR MINORITY GROUPS IN THE PUBLIC EYE: As we know, I'm a libertarian. I haven't seen a ton of others but I have seen some local libertarians and their web pages. With the exception of Gary Johnson and the other guys running for president in our party, we're not a good-looking bunch of folks. I don't mean attractive - I mean the way we dress and act. If you're looking for some attention or to get someone's vote, a very important part of this is making your audience think you're like them. Guys (and girls, if there are any), put on a suit jacket. Sound mainstream normal. Yeah, this is style over substance but you stand a much better chance of being elected if you don't look like a mountain man in a black button-down shirt, who hasn't shaved in a month or three. This is precisely why I'm not out doing libertarian work - I look like a reject from the Aging Rock Star pageant. I'm the idea man, the inside guy. The guy you don't want out scaring potential voters.

Now let me extend this to our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community: Orlando was a national nightmare. The only positive thing that came about thus far is that you have been given a voice on the national stage. While I hope this event can produce something of long term substance, you need to make the most of your current opportunity. You probably don't want your spokesman to be a limp-wristed flamer with a flag painted on his face or a woman who shaved off half her hair and dyed the other half purple, with nose and eyebrow piercings and a suspicious chain going down into the front of her pants. There are gay people everywhere, who dress for business. Put a few of them up front. Again, you want your audience to feel that you're just like them. You're likely to gain a lot more traction this way.

Ymmv, of course.

RIP Ren, 2016

Hillary Trump

If you think carefully about your presidential candidate, you should go out and vote. If you're voting for someone because of their internal plumbing/gender, please stay home; you're not qualified to vote. I heard a teary-eyed interview on the radio about how great that a woman is running and how historic this is. I want the best person for the job and so should you.

• The FBI is stepping up its use of ISIS stings, with little public or congressional scrutiny. Translated into English, the FBI is locating some poor slob who claims support for ISIS, arming him, then making a huge deal about his arrest.

Most notably absent from the wannabe presidential speeches is any talk of the national debt.

• My wife and I have found the Ultimate Relationship Secret: sleeping when the other is awake.

A dispute over Ramadan meals in Duesseldorf resulted in a fire that gutted a shelter for 282 asylum seekers. The portions were too small, so they set the place on fire. Let's import some immigrants, shall we?

In related news, a Pakistani woman was burned alive by her family for eloping. She was obviously asking for it.

• Microsoft founder Bill Gates launched a campaign to help extremely poor families in sub-Saharan Africa to raise chickens. Unfortunately the poor will discover they can't raise the chickens because the chickens will automatically keep trying to upgrade to Chicken 10.

David Beckham, famous for f-ing the anorexic-looking Spice Chick, says "You need to wear a condom in the fight against HIV." I'm doing my part by wearing a condom as I type this.

• To protest rampant sexism in Hollywood, Ghostbusters is being remade with women in the title roles. Because that's not sexism at all.

With all the huff and fluff about transgender bathrooms, don't you wonder how many people will benefit from this?

NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.

Daydream Believer and a Cross-Dressing Queen

What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.

• Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?

By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.

• A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.

A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.

• Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."

SELFIE BRIGADE

Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies "can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.

Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.

• Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.

Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?

• "Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!

LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.

• Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.

Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).

This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:

• Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
• Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
• Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”

Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.

• What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....

TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.

Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.

Put Your House on the Internet - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

In some regions of the Indian state of Maharashtra, second or third daughters are not given a name but are merely termed 'Nakusha', meaning 'unwanted'. No comment yet from Nakusha Clinton, Nakusha Kardashian, or Nakusha University of Missouri.

• Donald Trump met with black pastors, claiming 'great love' in meeting. What Donald forgot to mention was that the 'great love' was the love Donald feels for himself. The pastors looked around, in sheer disbelief.

In yet another Faceyspaces Fracas, it turns out that Phuc Dat Bich might not have been the real name of the person who got his page shut down multiple times.

Faceyspaces will be expanding parental leave for all employees. Provided the birth is live-streamed and all rights to the baby revert to Mark Zuckerberg.

• Hatred, a controversial violent video game, is coming to linux sometime soon. It opens with a Windows 10 screen and the goal is to eradicate it before your computer slows to a crawl and your head explodes.

Predatory ISIS wrings money from those it rules. It may be considered an 'import duty', not a bribe. If not paid, one can be arrested or have property destroyed. This is in addition to the normal ISIS practices of smuggling oil, plundering bank vaults and drumming up donations from wealthy supporters.  Wait.. are we still talking about ISIS?

• It was only a matter of time: Your Christmas tree lights may be slowing your wifi. Or that's what Ofcom claims, offering an app to check.  In other news, your doorbell is impacting your oven temperature.

Brain scans have proven that there is no such thing as a male or female brain. It's just that a man's Central Processing Unit is centrally located.

• You might want to run your computers, tablets, and related accessories during a blackout. Here are tips on how to select an Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS - as differentiated from UPS: America's largest, brown-suited basketball team).

RELEVANT: The blind woman with multiple personalities who switched personalities and could see. Fascinating read and oh so true.

• This dog walked two hundred miles to get back to his rescuer. Get out your tissues. Look at this woman's eyes.
• While we're on the subject, a pit bull stayed by her owner's side after a house fire in Maryland. Ironically it's illegal to own a pit bull in that particular county. They are appealing.

NOT THAT IT'S RELEVANT HERE: but San Francisco police are getting breathalyzers that detect marijuana.

Speaking of which, according to an actual scientific study (not performed behind the convenience store with a few buddies), pot is said to ''cause psychosis-like effects in healthy people that's similar to schizophrenia'. It's been an awful long time (high school?) since I inhaled but I don't remember a single psychosis-like effect. Perhaps some of you 'know someone' who smokes and can comment on this finding.

• BEST HEADLINE OF THE MONTH:  G-string wearing homeless ex-lawyer high on crystal meth and crack cocaine mistakes woman and kids for giant panda

Authorities are seeing cases of a rare disease called tularemia, also known as Rabbit Fever. Symptoms include fever, a white tail, and huge pointy teeth. Meanwhile, University of Missouri leaves class and marches 'for the bunnies'.

• President Obama, in a rare Sunday address, said that "freedom is more powerful than fear," as he advocated another attack on the 2nd Amendment.

People are choosing gender-neutral pronouns. Instead of he/she, some wish to be referred to as they/them. These people sure came late to the party - Multiple Personality Disorder has been we and them for years!

• News You Need: The first penis transplant performed in the United States could happen in the next few months.

Novate, CA man did not know that on Thanksgiving, that he would soon be in a life-and-death battle with a crazed squirrel. An 87 year old man got bloodied, fight a squirrel that terrorized the neighborhood. Gimme yer nuts and no one gets hurt.

• SO this guy in the Bronx rents out his home as a club, where women strip and lick whipped cream off each other. Neighbors are outraged.... that they can't get in.

MUSIC MATTERS

Tommy Emmanuel will blow the top of your head off with this medley. Be careful.. I know from experience that brains are extremely difficult to remove from ceilings. Tommy needs no drummer. Or anybody else for that matter. He comes from Australia but please don't let that affect your impression.

While we're on that musical tangent, enjoy Michelle. The man's a virtuoso.

Tommy going Over the Rainbow.

And I'll close with the master, Jeff Beck, also Over the Rainbow. Look at the smile on his face as he ends....

I would have guessed Star Wars

To Amuse and Confuse

A Chicago woman is tired of all the violence. Her idea for the fix is to call a "sex strike". Women agree to abstinence until the men of the community put down their guns. She said "you have to hit people where it hurts."  Why stop there - world peace or you get nothing.

• The Islamic State paper carried a picture of the Schweppes soda can and materials used to make the bomb that took down the Russian airliner. The ironic part is that the airline charged the passenger three dollars for the can.

What do you do when hundreds of protesters are outside of the building where President Obama and other leaders of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) group are meeting? Crank up the Katy Perry on a convenient p.a. system!  Nothing gets rid of unruly mobs like Katy Perry.

• A woman started strolling down the lanes of San Francisco's Bay Bridge, while stripping down to her underwear. It took California Highway Patrol twenty minutes to corral the offending stripper. In a move nobody could have predicted, police took the lady to the San Francisco General Hospital for a psych evaluation. What could possibly be wrong with spreading a little joy to some poor folks driving home from work?

As mentioned a while back, a woman who was carrying a loaded gun in her vagina when she was booked into jail is about to be sentenced to several years in jail. The arrest is part of Tennessee's successful new Gun in Vagina-Go to Jail program.

• The University of Missouri will march today, demanding that the KKK stop wearing white robes.

SCOOP: I'll bet you didn't know that today is United Nations World Toilet Day. Who says the UN is a useless organization? WARNING: link contains toilets.

• Watching the College Entitlement Festival is somewhat alarming these days. A Columbia student claims to be traumatized by reading about white people. I did not make this up.

A Pennsylvania woman accused of running a prostitution ring said her only crime was operating a massage business without a license. As for sex, she said she charged fifty dollars for a massage and if anything else happened, it was just between friends. She did not solicit but did accept money afterwards. Why can't we all get along? And where is this massage place - just for the sake of accuracy, of course...

• Apple Music chief says finding music is online is too difficult for women. I routinely say Stupid Things and hear about it later, but this guy hit one out of the park and into the next country. See? Nothing good comes from Apple.

In 2005 the CIA was in federal court, refusing to disclose its federal budget. From 1963.

• In case you never gave it any thought, adults all over the world are looked down upon for choosing not to have children. And I thought it was tough being a libertarian.

GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY:  ISIS has been warned that if they are planning attacks in New York, they will have to contend with the Sicilian mafia. There is no word on whether New York has been 'asked' to pay for the protection.

• Remember the God Hates Fags people? This is a really good story about one of their members.

It's Black Friday(-ish) time and there may be deals to be had. Consider this Oral-B SmartSeries Electric Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth!  Hang on... with Bluetooth? A toothbrush. With Bluetooth. Do we perhaps need to start it early, like our car, to warm it up? Does it communicate with your phone to assess your brushing prowess? Does it summon the Tooth Fairy in emergencies? Will it call an ambulance if your teeth stop responding?

BRIEF BIT O' SOUNDS

• Something About Rosanna: Rosanna Arquette is really something special. I cannot tell you how I know this. She is the direct inspiration for Toto's Rosanna and Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. She must know stuff.

This guy discovered a bug in the linux Gnome desktop.

John McCain: This Means WAR!

Yesterday I heard an interview with John McCain. I didn't get to transcribe it fully but here's the gist from memory:

Welcome to Beat the Press. Today's guest is Senator John McCain (R-Lockheed).

Good morning, Senator.

WHERE?

Here, Senator.

Oh.

Senator, we're discussing the recent bombing of a hospital in Afghanistan.

Yes, it's a crying shame (that we didn't get more of the commie bastards).

But Senator, the hospital was full of sick people.

Taleban. TALEBAN.  Kill. KILL!

Doctors Without Borders says there was no Taleban in the hospital.

Doctors Without Borders is a terrorist organization, bent on getting in the way of exporting democracy.

Were there any Taleban in the hospital?

No, but they were certainly in the area.  Somewhere.

But not in the hospital?

No. But those Doctors were, so we stepped up and dropped a few. Dropped. DROPPED. KILL. BOMB! EVISCERATE!!!!!

Senator, there has been some criticism over using the B-34 Flying Uncontrolled Country Killer (FUCK). This plane features enough tactical killing power to take out small regions of the planet. Do you believe this was the correct way to take out a small hospital?

Bob...

My name is Ted, Senator.

Bob... I believe the right tool is the one that gets the job done. We flew in and took out the target. If we could have used more bombers, we could have taken out the hospital and the rest of the country where the Taleban must be hiding. But we are using more surgical strikes lately, so as not to interrupt the cocaine trade. President Kennedy pissed the CIA off once and look what happened to him. And Bob, I'm no John F. Kennedy.

But there were innocent sick people in the hospital.

Bob, have I said ISIS yet? Because ISIS. New munitions needed. More contracts. Boeing, Lockheed, Halliburton.. MORE CONTRACTS!!!  CIA Secret Missions!!!! Think of the economy, BOB!!!

Ted.

Casualties of war, Bob. Collateral damage. We are very sad at the loss of life but it's the black guy's fault. If he didn't start that drawdown, we could have continued our mission indefinitely. More troops. We will complete our mission, even if it takes longer than Vietnam.  ISIS, Bob.

What is our mission in Afghanistan?

We are working towards ramping up our casualties... errr.... troops... because of a very large contract with a huge, influential defense contractor.  We just gave them hundreds of billions for new explosive killing vehicles (EKVs). It would be a horrible waste of taxpayer money not to use them. Killing vehicles... killing... KILLING.. BOMBING... WIDESPREAD DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!!!  baaaaaa........ [falls off chair, foaming at the mouth]


Beat the Press would like to thank the (very) late senator John McCain.

My Mother Ate Paste

Two American journalists have created a Twitter bot that "corrects" people who tweet the term "illegal immigrant", and offers alternatives.  While this (alleged) blog does not condone the use of social media, this story certainly raises an eyebrow (or three).  In other news, Twitter has a newer bot that suggests not using the word thief - recommending instead new possesor of your goods.  

• Hillary supporters will support New World Order and repeal the Bill of Rights. Once again, the Great Unwashed are caught on tape supporting Hillary and whatever her cause.“I think it is, I think we need change like they’ve been promising us for so many years, I think it’s time to get behind Hillary Clinton and support her.”

Huntington Park, LA, has appointed two illegal immigrants as city commissioners.  In other news, the democrats have entered an illegal immigrant into the 2016 presidential race. The top of Trump's head has actually come off, which turns out to be a serious improvement. UPDATE: The natives are pissed.

• Sex with robots will be the norm in fifty years, expert claims. And why not? 
• They don't get headaches
• Are up for anything
• Can untie themselves in case you forget
• You only pay once
• Computer nerds can finally have sex. 
• The only question remaining is will there be midgets?

Shooting breaks out at Drake after party. What the news didn't tell you is that there was also a riot at a One Direction concert. A folding chair was damaged.

• Arizona man beheaded wife to 'get the evil out'. In yet another example of irresponsible reporting, they failed to mention if it worked or not.

THEY ARE RELATED: Jenny McCarthy and Melissa McCarthy.  Insert joke here.

• I just read this article twice and my head still hurts. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but think of Monty Python. Suffice it to say that in Italy, a marinara pizza can NOT have cheese, while a margherita can have garlic. Sorta.

It turns out my wife used to work in customer service. The first time we had sex, she kept asking if she could help me find anything.

• Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have decided that when it comes to sex, too much can make you unhappy: it's quality over quantity.  The study was inherently flawed - what's wrong with quality AND quantity?  'Too much sex' can make your friends unhappy, when you start bragging. Or gross out your nieces and nephews with the image of Old Folks having sex. ADDENDUM: Couples not having sex due to worry over being let down. 50 Shades too intimidating? This is not the America I know.

Bush says Trump a buffoon, a clown and an asshole. Murphy says never to argue with an asshole - people may not be able to tell the difference. Very professional, Jebbie.

• Hatchet wielding crazy at premiere of Mad Max. Oh great, now we're going to have to ban hatchets.

ISIS executes 19 females for refusing sex. You can do that?

• Kevin Bacon complaining about lack of male nudity in Hollywood. Hey Kev... anything you want to share with us?

North Korea has pushed their clocks back thirty minutes, creating a new time zone. North Korea has also created a new season (Stummer) and nullified gravity.

• I hate to resort to old political attacks but I can't resist this classic: Have you heard about the Hillary Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket? Two small breasts, two left wings and two fatty thighs.

You know how people are always finding objects or things that look like them on the Moon and Mars? Here's one for you: the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been spotted on Mars! Have you been touched by His noodly goodness?



Who's Next?

A while back there was a band called Georgia Satellites, which had a hit with Keep Your Hands to Yourself. After its dissolution, their singer, Dan Baird, started recording solo albums. Dan's a bit of a rare treasure, writing great songs with an interesting mixture of cynicism, humor and irony (he's a real smartass). Most tend to keep a formula of down-home rock but you need to listen to the lyrics to gain an appreciation of his talent.

The biggest hit for Dan was I Love You Period, a very well-put-together tune that's not at all about punctuation. Another interesting song deals with no longer being the Big Man on Campus, called Younger Face. Give a listen to Knocked Up, a little song that deals with the obvious, plus the added complication of Daddy being a preacher. Lastly but not leastly, give a listen to Cumberland River. This song is about serious alcoholism and the broken dreams of stardom. Sounds sad but it's very cleverly told. I have never seen Dan but I get the impression he's a really hard worker and the show would be great.

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