Monday, August 17, 2015

My Mother Ate Paste

Two American journalists have created a Twitter bot that "corrects" people who tweet the term "illegal immigrant", and offers alternatives.  While this (alleged) blog does not condone the use of social media, this story certainly raises an eyebrow (or three).  In other news, Twitter has a newer bot that suggests not using the word thief - recommending instead new possesor of your goods.  

  • Hillary supporters will support New World Order and repeal the Bill of Rights. Once again, the Great Unwashed are caught on tape supporting Hillary and whatever her cause.“I think it is, I think we need change like they’ve been promising us for so many years, I think it’s time to get behind Hillary Clinton and support her.”

Huntington Park, LA, has appointed two illegal immigrants as city commissioners.  In other news, the democrats have entered an illegal immigrant into the 2016 presidential race. The top of Trump's head has actually come off, which turns out to be a serious improvementUPDATE: The natives are pissed.

  • Sex with robots will be the norm in fifty years, expert claims. And why not? 
  • They don't get headaches
  • Are up for anything
  • Can untie themselves in case you forget
  • You only pay once
  • Computer nerds can finally have sex
  • The only question remaining is will there be midgets?

Shooting breaks out at Drake after party. What the news didn't tell you is that there was also a riot at a One Direction concert. A folding chair was damaged.

  • Arizona man beheaded wife to 'get the evil out'. In yet another example of irresponsible reporting, they failed to mention if it worked or not.

THEY ARE RELATED: Jenny McCarthy and Melissa McCarthy.  Insert joke here.

  • I just read this article twice and my head still hurts. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but think of Monty Python. Suffice it to say that in Italy, a marinara pizza can NOT have cheese, while a margherita can have garlic. Sorta.

It turns out my wife used to work in customer service. The first time we had sex, she kept asking if she could help me find anything.

  • Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have decided that when it comes to sex, too much can make you unhappy: it's quality over quantity.  The study was inherently flawed - what's wrong with quality AND quantity?  'Too much sex' can make your friends unhappy, when you start bragging. Or gross out your nieces and nephews with the image of Old Folks having sex. ADDENDUM: Couples not having sex due to worry over being let down. 50 Shades too intimidating? This is not the America I know.

Bush says Trump a buffoon, a clown and an asshole. Murphy says never to argue with an asshole - people may not be able to tell the difference. Very professional, Jebbie.

  • Hatchet wielding crazy at premiere of Mad Max. Oh great, now we're going to have to ban hatchets.

ISIS executes 19 females for refusing sex. You can do that?

  • Kevin Bacon complaining about lack of male nudity in Hollywood. Hey Kev... anything you want to share with us?

North Korea has pushed their clocks back thirty minutes, creating a new time zone. North Korea has also created a new season (Stummer) and nullified gravity.

  • I hate to resort to old political attacks but I can't resist this classic: Have you heard about the Hillary Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket? Two small breasts, two left wings and two fatty thighs.

You know how people are always finding objects or things that look like them on the Moon and Mars? Here's one for you: the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been spotted on Mars! Have you been touched by His noodly goodness?

Who's Next?

A while back there was a band called Georgia Satellites, which had a hit with Keep Your Hands to Yourself. After its dissolution, their singer, Dan Baird, started recording solo albums. Dan's a bit of a rare treasure, writing great songs with an interesting mixture of cynicism, humor and irony (he's a real smartass). Most tend to keep a formula of down-home rock but you need to listen to the lyrics to gain an appreciation of his talent.

The biggest hit for Dan was I Love You Period, a very well-put-together tune that's not at all about punctuation. Another interesting song deals with no longer being the Big Man on Campus, called Younger Face. Give a listen to Knocked Up, a little song that deals with the obvious, plus the added complication of Daddy being a preacher. Lastly but not leastly, give a listen to Cumberland River. This song is about serious alcoholism and the broken dreams of stardom. Sounds sad but it's very cleverly told. I have never seen Dan but I get the impression he's a really hard worker and the show would be great.

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