Thursday, August 20, 2015

Ghost-Busting Quantum Pets

Today in pet news:  Hamas arrests dolphin accused of being an Israeli spy. I sure hope they don't behead him.

To continue the theme, Parrot detained by Indian police after 'hurling obscenities' at 85-year-old woman. What's next? Walrus arrested by US on hacking charges?  Ant farm accused of communism? Hippos wanted for surfing in Humans Only section of the beach?


A while back I noticed that the dog does not eat his food when we're not home, leading me to wonder, in quantum terms, if the pets cease to exist when we no longer see them.

As you would expect, I'm working on a few other theories...

One thing I've noticed over all of my Pet Interactions is that they're smarter than we are. It's tough to admit but I have to go with the truth. Plus, like prison inmates, they have all day to focus upon the things we give mere minutes.... they're bound to come up with innovative solutions as to how to get at the cat food and which furniture to claw when training Mommy to let him out.

Let's say everyone is fed and the humans have gone for the morning. I kinda imagine that Warner Brothers cartoon with the sheepdog and coyote(?) checking into work at the timeclock in the morning, completely friendly. As soon as they punch in, they're adversaries. In reverse, my pets barely maintain interest or peace when we're home but things may change when we're gone....

BANG, the door closes and we're gone. The pets (cat and dog) look at each other and punch their time clock,  conveniently located in the sink; a place the humans never go. The rest of this is pure speculation... The first order of business is to leave each others' food alone - that's for later. Instead the cat opens the refrigerator door and both grab whatever smells good. This explains a lot about where food goes when we swore it was there last night.

Here's the controversial part: after breakfast, it's TV Time!  We discovered this when one day we came home to find The Game Show Network on the tv.  My wife leaves the tv on, the theory being that it keeps the pets comfortable. My wife does a lot of stuff for seemingly random reasons. I gave up questioning these years ago, for the sake of my own well-being. She usually watches the local Fox affiliate, featuring a miniscule amount of news, between the latest antics of the Kardashians and talking about social media and the comments of the Great Unwashed. As it turns out, the SPCA defines this as pet abuse.

Will the last one watching broadcast tv please turn off the lights when you're done?

I can't claim to understand this but the swill that passes for network television is, well.... swill. True bottom of the barrel. Did you know there's a network devoted to ancient 70's shows? You can watch Emergency! every day, followed by The Rifleman and Adam 12,which is on right before Dragnet (just the fax, Ma'am). My wife is the only one who would ever watch this Pageant of the Dead: the cat lets himself outside and the dog goes upstairs to sleep on my pillow (or me, if I'm home).

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's the Game Show Network. Since the pets turned it on the other day, I thought it might be interesting.  As it turns out, the pets and I have differents ideas of what is interesting.  Ladies and gentlemen, these game shows are FORTY YEARS OLD.  Yes, the entire purpose of the network is to air game shows from the period right after networks started broadcasting in color.  You can see Gene Rayburn, Bert Convy and several other people who just plain faded into obscurity (or just plain expired). If you see an attractive woman (with very peculiar 70's hair), remember that she's retired now, most of the way on the path to The End. Or dead, assuming some tragic accident, possibly involving a leaf blower.  The hosts died right after the show did, some not bothering to wait.  WHY do the pets find it necessary to view this Televisional Farce? Why does anybody view this Televisional Farce?

My immediate hypothesis is that being a pet in our house takes up so much energy that they need to have their brains bashed into oblivion during the day so they're ready for us at night. The dog probably still gets excited, watching forty year old cat food commercials. This hypothesis is subject to change, much like Hillary's answers to any given question. Or unlike Trump's fancy hairstyle (which he insists on being called Ralph). The reason for the hypothesis is that my wife says the same thing. I dare not take off work, lest I have an entire home full of beings with Bashed Brains. I get enough of that at work.

Things change rapidly when the little monsters hear me coming up the steps after work.  The dog leaps off the couch, dropping his copy of the Wall Street Journal, and lays by the door as if he's been napping all day. The cat leaps off the chair, knocking down his glass of Chateau deChassily, and sits in the middle of the room, as if he doesn't care. When I open the door, the dog forces me to push him with the door. The cat looks up expectantly because, as everyone knows, people are merely Cat Food Dispensers. Then the dog remembers he's supposed to look excited to see me, as the cat 'herds' me into the kitchen to feed him. After all, as everyone knows, people are merely Cat Food Dispensers. The dog sits there and thinks of ways to get the cat food. The cat opens the door, the dog runs in, then the cat claws a piece of furniture, waiting for the wife to let him out. And all is Normal<tm>.

And it turns out that the pets have been watching rock concerts all day. The wife is the one watching the Game Show Network. And I have to go - the SPCA is at the door.

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