Coffee Flavored Carpet

 As with anything coming from China, the recent Moon trip to collect rocks is not what it seems. While China did collect the rocks, they did so by hacking NASA and walking in the front door, relieving themselves of a long, drawn out, difficult Moon mission. 

There are early reports that the International Space Station has been hacked, possibly through Windows. The ISS has been ordering Chinese takeout for a week, despite GrubHub's insistence they do not deliver off-planet. None of the astronauts are aware of the orders, but claimed they'd go as far as shooting down anyone's satellite for 1 slice of pizza.

In other news, Russian hackers hit the US Nuclear Agency. They plan to gain control of it so they can bomb themselves.

Your love is like the sudden stop when driving your car off a bridge

• A new childs' book, in the tradition of Where's Waldo, challenges children to figure out what was wrong with Roald Dahl's parents.

As the result of a child at a school board meeting, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, gave children a snow day. The idea is so completely goofy, it will be moments before colleges and universities go on strike, demanding their own snow day. Because colleges do not emphasize math, or common sense, the strike days will far outnumber a snow day.

Earlier this week, a team of researchers announced that they successfully teleported qubits of photons across approximately 27 miles of fiber-optic cable. 

We know I'm no quantum physicist, but isn't the idea that 2 bits are connected through space at any distance? Perhaps I should take up reading, instead of the socially significant hobby of putting this blog out.

Today I identify as  a high quality 250k potentiometer in a Fender Stratocaster - none of this offshore miniature crap.

In the continued march of Science, biomarker of Alzheimer's found to be regulated by sleep cycles. 

Uh-oh 

In 2020 alone, Alzheimer's was found to be affected by:

• aluminum
• sleep cycles
• sense of humor
• sarcasm
• thickness of nasal hair
• how large a person you'll insult
• the amount of Scientific Drinking done by the researchers

In January, the WHO will be in China to probe the origins of the Flying AIDS.

China has announced that the WHO did not find anything indicating the virus originated there.

• Militants released hundreds of kidnapped children in Nigeria, after realizing they only kidnapped the boys. Vatican signals interest in the case.

A new 1Password survey on password use and online security in family life finds more than half (51%) of parents who work from home (WFH) say their children have accessed their work accounts.

It's not that we will never learn, it's that we actively refuse to learn. 

• The Government Accounting Office today looked around, cried, and went home.

Somebody recommended a podcast and I went to listen.

Nowhere on the page was a warning that the 'caster is a SCOT.

Podcasts, unlike tv, do not come with closed captioning.

Penny came from Florida and had never seen snow til 2 years ago.

Like us, she's not all that fond of it, kind of hopping up and down to get through it. I'm not positive but I think I heard her on the computer last night, looking up plane fares to Florida.

• Cellphone data suggests Bay Area not as compliant with new shutdown as it was in the spring
• aw shucks, you don't even have to volunteer to be tracked.... at this point, you might as well turn your phone off when you leave the house.
• Also, the DHS is working on facial recognition with masks. Perhaps we should start wearing masks with mustaches and glasses. There were volunteers for this testing....

Guitar Center has come to its alleged senses and only sends me 2 emails every day. There is no more begging, very few 29% off emails, and they're not stalking me anymore (I hope). I'm sure that van that says Electruck Compinny is completely legit. In fact, tonight I'll test the theory by running a 400v banana up its tailpipe.

Ya know, I haven't said anything about UFOs for a while.

For your reading enjoyment, I will continue not to.

Other than it's the 40th anniversary of Rendlesham, in England, at a military base. One of the best cases documented.

That is all.

Illegal winery busted at Alabama sewage plant

Y'all got maw of that Summer Yellow blend?

I sho am fond of that there Alabama Brown.

Hey, this red has a bicycle in it!

What's in the Mystery Box?

Another oft-forgotten part of the Not Getting Things You Ordered is the unspoken amount of time it takes to put the item in a box and ship it out. I just got notice that the item I ordered has just shipped. The item I ordered last week. So it took 7 days to physically pick up the item, put it in any old small box, put a label on it, and wait for the pickup guy? I see you overcame all obstacles to accepting my payment.

Was there an indian attack? Did a ring of fire set by satanists prevent you from getting close? Near-fatal hangnail? Was the USPS guy in the hospital from too much meth? Aliens extracting bodily fluids? North Korea call you names? 7 days to stuff the whole t-shirt into that little envelope? Biker gang? Chinese New Year? I know - the Russians hacked into your computer, delaying only my transaction.

My feedback on sellers is going to be very interesting this month.

I bought a really cool guitar pedal. This is the package that showed up 2 days past its guaranteed arrival date. Everything was in order, there was a cute little instruction manual, which I tossed aside, and I played with the pedal. It was largely self-explanatory. Just for fun, I got out the manual to see if I missed anything, and wasn't I surprised - it was a catalog. How was I supposed to know there were switches inside the pedal and maybe what they were for? I'm a guitar player - we're stereotypically dumb, so we need all the help we can get. That's why they call them hidden features - they're hidden from the user.

Flying AIDS Hits Home? 

My mom's health aide just let her know that her dad was diagnosed with the Flying AIDS. My mom's idiot doctor said not to get her tested unless she shows any symptoms. So aside from being down 1 health aide and being exposed to the Flying AIDS, it's been a quiet week.

The FDA is investigating allergic reactions to the vaccine, reported in 5 states.

“I think we have at this point the right ... mitigation strategy with the availability of treatment for a severe allergic reaction being at the ready, and we’ll continue to monitor it very closely,” he added.

The CDC is investigating the FDA's investigation and Pfizer said there will be no official statement until they figure out what the FDA meant by that.

At a hospital in Chicago, vaccines on staff were halted after tingling and elevated heart rate. The 4 staff members are out of ICU and their families have stopped making funeral arrangements, so vaccines will resume Sunday.

The Equal Opportunity Commission said employers can require employees to get the shot or not be allowed to enter the workplace. The US Geological Agency said that employees cannot be fired for refusing to get the shot. The IRS said if they pass out from the shot, they can have 30 minutes off.

Panama's health minister ordered men and women to shop on different days to curb the spread of the Flying AIDS. The minister explained that when men and women shop, their hormones go crazy, and all of the sudden, they're having sex in the aisles, spreading the virus. 30 minutes after his announcement, the minister promised never to make announcements after margaritas.

What Do You Mean We Haven't Flattened the Curve?

Your love is like a brief, 3 week virus that lasted a year

The Pope, a lightning rod lately, for his stance on gay marriage, is a great civil rights supporter and just hired his first black cardinal. Cardinal Twenny Five Cent said that he was proud to be at this place at this time in history, and greatly looked forward to performing the duties of his office, if the pope would ever tell him what they were. He stated that we're all one color and wanted to stress this in his teachings, if his job required teachings.

The Pope, a great civil rights supporter, ordered a celebratory dinner of fried chicken, watermelon, and grape soda. Cardinal Twenny, as well as the rest of the Vatican, was aghast.

The cardinal doesn't expect to be in office very long, once the pope discovers he doesn't like little boys.

Today I identify as  artificial sweetener

Russian interference into the upcoming election continues. The data on every American voter is available on a Dark Web site, but no one can afford it.

Dear lefty 

• Any election predictions?
• one guy will win, the others will lose
• people will be very angry, claiming shenanigans for 25 years to come
• sheep and babies will be nervous
• Trump will claim victory regardless, Biden will claim it's a good night for a colonoscopy
• there will be uncomfortable moments, when voters air their grievances; half with pitchforks, half with AR14s.

HIM and HER

HER: You know, I've been waiting 2 years for you to put together this noisemaking sculpture for the front yard.

HIM: 2 years huh?

HER: 2 whole years.

HIM: Maybe there's a reason.

HER: Like what?

HIM: I don't want yet another noisemaker in the front yard and I'm trying to spare the neighbors.

HER: Aw, but it's beautiful and sounds wonderful.

HIM: That's what you said about the last 17 of them.

HER goes out, probably shoe shopping. 

HIM figures he'll score a few points by assembling the hideous noisemaking sculpture that he hasn't put together for 2 years. Maybe he'll get a bj out of it (he's reaching for the stars).

HIM secures all the parts, some larger than the car, and way louder. There sure are a lot of parts to this. He spreads them all over the floor so he can put the thing together. Ummm... there are no instructions, not even IKEA instructions. There's not even a picture so he knows what it's supposed to look like.

HER: Ooooh! Thank you so much for putting together my sculpture!

HEM: Well, let's say I tried. There are no instructions. Not even a picture on the box.

HER: Oh, that's because I put them away.

HIM: You put them away?

HER: Yeah, I didn't want them to get lost.

HIM: Like they are now?

HER: I have them somewhere. I just have to look.

HIM: Had you considered, maybe, putting them with the actual parts themselves? The Space Shuttle can't miss those parts.

HER: I have a system. 

HIM: And how's that workin' out for ya? Well, don't say that I held this up.

• The state of South Australia is the first in the world to be 100% solar energy-supplied
• Obviously, a war is near.

If I had personalities, they'd be at war right now. More and more, I'm trying to cut out some of the more extreme negativity and just use my own (there's enough to power small planets). Yesterday I went to watch one of my favorites, Richard Dolan, and came across a real winner. Regrettably, I have to recommend this. I don't know how this guy sleeps, with all the territory he covers, and the information he comes up with.

CBP Refuses to Tell Congress How it is Tracking Americans Without a Warrant

Hubris like this belongs to Microsoft and Apple. This is your government, you're paying for it, and it feels it doesn't have to tell you things. Why is Customs and Border Patrol tracking Americans? Imagine what the other departments aren't telling you...

Is It Possible that our governments are forward-thinking and not filled with  complete idiots?

Plans were made to give early shots to Santa Clauses.

Nope, not possible.

Asian giant hornets can wipe out a colony of honeybees in hours. The first colony was discovered in the US, and taken out with a vacuum hose. As is government today, one of them was fitted with a tracking device.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, the mayor said that it's racist to kill Asian giant hornets and they have sanctuary in Philly, along with the illegal aliens. He said the Asian bees are smarter than the American bees because they study harder and the American bees are fat and lazy.

• Louisiana Calls Out National Guard to Fight Ransomware Surge
• is it possible Louisiana has had one too many floods? 

Blood 

The strangest thing happened today: the doctor's office called. This was an actual medical professional, not the guy who vacuums the cobwebs from the door frames. My results from 3 days back were in: I'm dead. I should not be walking around with my blood the way it is. They're sending a meat wagon to the house later today.

Mrs lefty tried to look upset and asked veiled questions about sufficient life insurance.

Penny will not like it when Backup Mom goes away.

I have mixed feelings. If you try to live by logical principles, this dead thing does not square with actual life. Would I be blogging from beyond the veil? Would Mrs lefty hear when I speak? Would City Council continue to ignore me?

Online folks would say, "Oh, I knew he was dead a long time ago" or "His tweets have lacked that living thing lately." 

The only truly sad person would be the pizza guy. I tithe to him. 

In spite of my lack of living state, the doctor would like to see me, either to pronounce me dead or to touch me. I'm not touched by my wife, no less a physician. On the bright side, it would not be a telemedicine visit. Cuz I'm not going to telemed anymore, even dead.

• I am not trying to be That Guy, but I'm wondering how differently kids will grow up, with all the information at their fingertips. Technology will be automatic to them, and the answer to every question will be a search away. This beats the hell out of having to go to the [gasp] library. How will the kids be different? Will they be intellectually stupid? Will they be advanced? Will they still use Google?

A man stole a bulldozer and ran down Biden signs.

Although I prefer tanks, the ballot box is still up - stop being an ass....

• Multiple witnesses notice strange lights over Hawaii sparking UFO frenzy
• can we stop the information hoarding already? 

Happys 

Bootsy Collins

Jon Anderson - Yes

Chad Smith - RHCP, Chickenfoot

Bill Wyman - Rolling Stones

Bye Byes 

Paul Barrere - Little Feat - the end of several eras

Jack Bruce

Captivity - Day 37 My boobies lie over the ocean

Hiya - it's a joy-filled day!
If you like gray/green cover from clouds the size of the northern hemisphere.
We're taking a great leap of trust by listening to the weather forecasters.

Don't forget: the first symptoms of the Flying AIDS is something. One group of experts says the toes. Another group of experts says loss of taste (I better shut the blog down). Yet another groups says a temperature. I'm beginning to think these experts flunked out of weatherman school.


Doctors and therapists are using conferencing services as appointments. This leaves a huge market for the rest of us. Get ready for DriveBySarcasting - Had too good of a day? Get a raise? We'll drive by, observing social distancing  norms, and blast out a genuine single serving of sarcasm! By the time your spouse sees you, you'll you're in Big Trouble!  Also available: blow up beds, for those nights your spouse would prefer you sleep elsewhere!


Brief News:
Scientists have come up with another wacky phrase: quarantine fatigue.
Use your imagination.  This is based upon your cell phone data - stolen directly from you. So we add this to shelter-in-place, covid, the Flying AIDS, and flatten the curve. Your homework: use them all in a sentence.

Chicken plants scramble.
Shouldn't that be eggs?

Couples are getting married on Zoom.
Nobody should be using Zoom, but the bigger concern is whether they will be broadcasting the wedding night. Followed by divorces on Zoom.


Speaking of which, I'm finding out there's a morass of legal issues when working from home. If you have sex with your SO, that counts as having sex at work. It is ok to have sex with your SO, provided one of you isn't supervising the other.



The joke is on Mrs lefty: she got a motion sensor light for the back yard. I had no idea it was in the Neighborhood Instruction Manual. She probably figured she could sail it by me when I wasn't looking. I showed her.... I didn't listen. She kept saying something about lights, deer, spaghetti, moles, and bunnys and the dog. Here's how it works: keep in its box for a year. Take it out of its box for a month. Refer to it repeatedly while he stares forward. Now here's the good bit: apply on a sunny day, without rain.... I WIN!  I WIN!


I hate when my friendly neighbors float by my house; some in crash position, some with small improvised craft. I was thinking of a tennis thingie across the street, so we can catch them as they go by. The problem is that we only like one of our neighbors.


I got a present from Satan Claws the other day. Is it a tablet with a keyboard you can attach. So you can sit there, in Starbucks, looking like you're working on the Next Big Idea. On in class or work - people will check your tech and you'll get a raise or an A in class: all for watching pr0n on your. Pro Tip: mute the volume, always.  Where was I?  Oh the tablet, yes.... It has a touch pad. You either love or hate touchpads, which isn't the point in this paragraph. There are no instructions. Normally we all deal with it and just get computing. But this becomes very difficult when you can't right click, left click, drag, or tell the tablet's manufacturer how you feel about this genius idea'

It would be nice if maybe you could find the instructions.
Looking for the manual would be a lesson in frustration. Lotta lessons here, right outta the box. This sort of pad is vaguely popular, so there is info (and reviews) in many place. Most of the answers are downright stupid. It took quite a while to get around to asking how to work the mouse.  What is wrong with this brand? I've never had a portable computing device with no trackpad buttons. My short ride on the internet produced a manual. Unfortunately for another model. Eventually I scared something up, figuring it out by an older manual.


* First you turn it on: this is the MAIN step and we cannot stress it enough.
* You might also want to see if the device is charged. Hold down any of 12 switches and look for a small light. I think it was blue.
* If there is no light, you bought the cheap version. Do you research things, or randomly throw money at it?
* In the event that the tablet comes up, we will not be responsible for it. Look for some garish goog graphic, take a few days off work, and get that thing off your machine.
*Now we're going to play hide and seek. The only one in the house who can operate the trackpad hides for a few days. The joke is on him, as the locks are changed.
* Back to the net, where we discover there IS a manual... they just didn't want us to FIND it. In order to left click, just move the mouse left. Same for right click. If you want to grab and drag, hold the most steady part of your body on the trackpad and yell GRAB - GRAB! It won't work. Try it again. By God you people are hysterical!  Left click, drag, put on your ruby slippers and say "OUCH - these things hurt." So, very quietly, put one finger on the trackpad, lift, and move your arm over your head, like an antenna. A very stupid antenna. If this doesn't work. we're going to recommend the Lego Computing Set.



Here's some stuff I want... I am not asking you for anything.. just the info on where it is:

• I drink Peet's French roast. I checked and they don't make a French roast in decaf (the bastards). So I'm looking for an absolutely nasty, dark roast that's so strong, eats the cup it came in (Keurig)
• a left handed Fender Stratocaster - up to the year 1959

Thanks.

You guys are the best.