Merry Whatever - or - Forced Vacation, Day 8?

 We have a problem.

It's not a new problem, and sits in the very large pile of other problems, threatening to fall over and incinerate the entire block.

It's Mrs. lefty's phone. More accurately it's the location of Mrs. lefty's phone.

Mrs. lefty could not locate her phone if it was glued to her hand. Consequently, no one knows where the phone is, and my phone's sole purpose (since no one ever calls me) is to call her phone to locate it. This is generally helpful, but she's outsmarted this lately by leaving the phone in the car. People walking by the car know where the phone is, because the car's ringing, but she still doesn't know.

Being a problem-solver, I came up with an idea: we staple the phone to her forehead. This was highly thought of, but the issue was when she had to use the phone. After she was done, the phone had to be put back on her forehead, and she probably lost the stapler. So much for that brilliant idea.

In addition to the location of the phone, there's the NOISE. Each and every notification is set to a BING, BOOM, CAR CRASH, and MISSILE EXPLOSION. They're set so loud, even the neighbors think a missile has landed. This also has the unintended benefit of pissing me off, because it always goes off near me. It's particularly fun where there are a few alarms set. It goes off, makes me MAD, and I have to find it and turn it off. Five minutes later, it goes off again. And so on. I ask politely to have it turned down, maybe to levels of large building implosions, but am turned down.

HEY.... there's magic to her madness.... *I* am the Phone Locator. I will always known where it is and give it to her, just to keep the noise to a bare minimum! Absolutely and unintentionally brilliant.

I mentioned that the dog doesn't like my recliner. There's no room for her on it. So she has taken to leaping up on my lap and getting in the way of my laptop. One simply cannot type over a dog. On the subject of accidental brilliance, I sure hope she isn't commenting on my blogging.

Dear?

Yes?

Have you seen my cereal?

Yeah, I moved it to the pantry.

Oh, I guess I should have known that. 

---> And this is why I don't go to parties.

In our house, there's a place for everything. And that place changes hourly.

My stomach has taken to letting me know I'm hungry by groaning very loudly, possibly talking to the dog, possibly trying to embarrass me when we're out. Anyway, it had its bit to say this morning, and I went off to the pantry, in search of my cereal. You can tell it's my cereal because it isn't Birthday Cake Flavored Crunchies or Extra Sugar Puffs of Corn, with fruit flavoring. Because over an hour has expired since the conversation on the location of my cereal, it's not in the pantry. Sometimes I expect it, sometimes it's just too much for me and I cry. The doctors tell me this is Not Good. The problem is that in order to re-locate the cereal, I have to locate Wife, who is deeply embedded in some family event or other. It will be near impossible to get her, because once again, the phone is not stapled to her forehead.

It makes me nervous, because sometimes she sends me to fetch something, and I can't find it. In addition to the fact that I'm a man and can't find my own arm hair, it turns out the item she's looking for is not there. So the odds of finding anything she tasks me with are about 17%. I'll nap on railroad tracks and make fun of gang members' penis size, but finding something she asks for scares me to death.

The only reason I had breakfast this morning was finding the new box of Chocolate Frosted Flakes. In the dryer.

And furthermore, the neighbors have been really sneaky, leaving presents on our doorstep. I think they feel they have to give us something, but don't want to knock because there's a 50% chance I'll answer the door. I don't blame them - I don't get out much, and some of them think I eat babies.

On her way out, Mrs. lefty asked me to deliver a few packages to doorsteps. She does it right before she shuts the door so I won't argue. Sneaky, smart little elf she is. I guess leaving present on doorsteps is good for me too, lest I have to talk to someone. But leaving the house will result in throwing off my nap schedule, and I'm not happy about that. She bought the gifts in October, wrapped them up, and made out the cards. Now I have to walk all the way to the next two houses to deliver them? That's unfair division of labor, if you ask me (and no one did). 

Captivity - Day 58 Frank - here's your house back

I'm not stupid, but I can do a reasonably good impression, but there are 2 things for which I have to call in the Marines (better known as Mrs lefty). The first is cereal. As a kid, none of us had a problem getting the boxes open, even to the point of taking the treat out before our siblings got it.  We never failed (except for the only children, who got everything they wanted all the time anyway).

The long and short of it is that I open the box - no problem - I open the plastic - no problem - and I pour in in the bowel - problem. If my quantum physics class
finds about this, I'll be the laughingstock of Bob's Basement School of Quantum Physics, plus they won't let me wear the propeller hat for 2 weeks.

Determined to find the solution, I apply brains (hopefully not my own) to the problem. I get either nothing or everything. I tried a very long, very sharp knife, which succeeded in opening the plastic enclosure all the way across. Nothing. I tried pouring with shaking. No luck. I tried jumping up and down. Only a warning from Mrs lefty. Using what was left of my gray matter I finally figured it out: the cereal companies found out they could save $0.004 per box by not gluing the plastic to it. Unless I have the terminal mesh and talc causes cancer lawyers, I will never get the plastic glued to the box.

I know you're bored. Most of the world is bored.
Even the aliens are bored. The secret is that they know what we're up to and the loser had to keep an eye on us before we blow up the neighborhood. We're a danger to most universes.

One thing you can do when your bored is watch the commercial for My Pillow and try to imitate his very silly Minnesota accent.

In addition to my Very Large Problem with getting cereal out of the box, there is one that's even larger, because everybody can see it: putting bags into bags. Although it's possible I was bitten by a bag when I was little, the doctors don't think so. Mrs lefty gives me a small bag and instructs me to put it in the larger trash bag. This is where things start to get ugly. If there are guests, I start to sweat. I hear the voices of my ancestors, laughing and pointing, saying what a dumkopf he is, look at him!. In spite of this positive reinforcement, I put on my Brave Face and have a go at it. Naturally I fail, which is when the laughter starts. I try again: the end of one bag won't go inside the end of the other bag, even though it's 4x as large. Even Mrs lefty laughs at me, while taking the bag back and easily putting it in the larger bag, while I watch, as if it were magic.

The doctors are not concerned about the dream where I wake up with no clothes, addressing Congress.... this is the one they want to discuss...



There's a tv show featuring collectors, with different collections. Today's is a Star Wars collection. The pretty lady next to the collector is not his SO - it's his mom. Mom has bought him all sorts of collector's pieces. He even has a eral-life Spock figure. Little Stanley obviously needs a job. Mom needs to get little Stanley a hooker. Can you say enabler? Little Stanley probably can. He has a billboard. A billboard.


I was out of my mind (further) because Dairy Queen closed early. All I wanted was a malt. Judging by the 32 person socially-distanced line, I wasn't the only one.

I Found Bladder Leak Underwear That's Actually Pretty

well, that's what the commercial says.
They're wrong.

• For the first time in 40 years, Pizza Hut is changing its pan pizza recipe. Focus groups show the original one wasn't close enough in taste to its cardboard container. They fixed that.

We got some tornadoes recently, in AR, OK, OH, PA, NJ and NY.
The damage was horrendous.
But once again, knee-jerk humanity came out, pulled out its camera, and took video of the tornado. When did Take Video win the battle with Survival Instinct?

Bob Arkansaw knew the tornado was on its way and did the only thing he could: he whipped out his phone and took video of it.  Over there, on what remains of his house, is a small red stain that was once Bob.

Dear lefty:

• Is there a colostomy bag that's actually pretty?
• You're single, aren't you...

A Florida (you knew it was coming) man was arrested after assaulting his mother with a corn cob. Did they close all the schools in Florida? Are the clouds seeded with valium? Do they grow corn or was it imported? Imported corn causes the most damage - don't ask how I know....

A Florida woman didn't flush the toilet. When her roommate complained, a fight ensued, which involved yelling, spitting, and swinging a plunger. Plunger Control! Sensible people do not need to own plungers.

• the Canadian Border Patrol seizes about two tons of amphetamine per year. They're frightfully quick, but have no teeth, eh?

A typical locomotive, with a 12 cylinder diesel engine, once powered 1,600 houses during a power outage. Each engine piston is larger than an entire car engine and the engine weighs over 30,000 tons. Trains are also an efficient means of suicide, if you ignore cleanup.

• In case you woke up at 3am, wondering about Earl Grey tea, what makes it unique is oil of bergamot: this is what makes it taste like drinking soap.

A man who peed in a Memphis cereal factory has got 10 months in prison. When released, he will work for Shredded Wheat, helping to improve the taste.





Isn't Pervasive Surveillance Wonderful?
Someone kills a female, puts her body in a suitcase and throws it out. It is discovered at the trash dump. All haulers are interviewed: one remembers picking the case up at a dumpster. A neighbor's security camera fails to capture the killer depositing the case.

Detectives examine the suitcase, discover it's new, and pull the UPC code. The UPC shows it was only sold through Walmart, of which there are two locally. Walmart magically pulls the sales records and finds two people bought this suitcase. The first was at 9pm, so they pull up the security camera for the specific checkout lane. Records indicate the lady who purchased the case was a Walmart Rewards member, so they pull up everything she's done and check on her, to find she's got no criminal record.

Second person to purchase this suitcase (3am) was wearing a distinctive shirt, so it was easy to track him throughout the entire store.  A good look was provided by the cashier overhead camera; he also purchased disposable gloves, and calmly walked out. In fact there were several angles of him walking out. Then two parking lot cameras gave two views of him in the lot, plus what vehicle he got into and what direction it left in. The videos matched a verbal description of the man, plus the color and type of vehicle. He was arrested for murder.

That's how pervasive surveillance was used to track down a killer. Not mentioned was the rich amount of data available from his cell phone or electronic data going to the store.

None of us murder people (I hope), but are you comfortable with this level of surveillance? This is only physical... electronic surveillance is much worse. You may say to yourself that you're not guilty, so it's ok. It is not ok. We deserve freedom from this kind of monitoring, regardless. Just like certain agencies monitoring your email, phone calls, and browsing. We have Amendments prohibiting this sort of thing.

Please give this some consideration.

Party this weekend!!!