I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

Ladies, gents, and readers of ThermionicEmissions: Happy Whatever.

We celebrate xmas, but only in the most commercial sense of the holiday. With a black xmas tree. We have a blue garland and I suggested wrapping it around Santa's neck, but I was overruled by She Who Must Be Obeyed. Yes, it's xmas day, and we're still considering decorating. We're lucky to get the tree out. Oh, who am I kidding, the black tree is for Halloween (last year), and also didn't get decorated for it. To emphasize the positive, the decorations have gotten really close to the tree this year, so that's something....

Things are different at ThermionicMansion.

I'm just happy to get a blog entry happening on xmas.

Once again I have a buttload of vacation days to burn up or I lose them. Work won't pay me for them, so once again, it's Forced Vacation! This means a lot of sitting, so we had to prep the couch.  Mrs. lefty has been spending too much time in close proximity to me (some say any time near me is bad) and has decided to stay in for Forced Vacation and xmas. Her close 473 relatives will not be happy. They expect I won't show up, but she kinda has to. The first year it was pretty bad; we walked in and I developed fear of people and dove under the first table I could find. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it was the women's table and there were a lot of short skirts. But the noise was so bad, I couldn't stand it; like when I went to the dentist and was so afraid, I didn't even look down the shirts of the dental techs.

I watched early on and noticed one of the brothers-in-law dropped off his wife and either stayed in his car or left. This became a goal of mine, one I have more than succeeded in. It drives Wife crazy, because they all still love me and say nice things about me. When Wife spends a lot of time visiting her parents, Dad says to thank me for letting her come. I play stupid, but inside I'm laughing hysterically. The key here is to set expectations (to zero) early on, then show up once a year or three. It's like Christ has come back and is playing guitar and singing (Black Sabbath) songs for the family.

My parents are steadfast in their decision to remain dead, so the holiday has changed a bit for me.

I feel the need to compose an xmas ditty.

We know I'm a bit skewed. As a result, it's very difficult to get me presents.

On the first day of xmas, my family gave to me

One gallon of cologne

And a yappy little rodent-type dog.

On the second day of xmas, my family gave to me

Two ugly sweaters  [redundant, I know]

 etc etc, like I'm going to type this all out.

3. a Taylor Swift cd

4. three matching mittens

5. Five Golden iDevices

6. a comb for my Male Pattern Baldness

7. ads on my blog

8. two right handed guitars

9. President Giveaway t-shirts

10. Dubya-signed plaque proclaiming America the smartest dang ol' city on Earth  

On second thought, no new songs.

Happy Whatever

Yes, Happy Whatever. It keeps the whining down.

Just remember to keep the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Xmas!

John Schneider, actor who played 'one of them dang Duke boys' and vociferous 2nd Amendment supporter, is in trouble. Again. He had a lot to say during the Alec "I never pulled the trigger" Baldwin trial, and he seemed largely correct. Now, not so much. He suggested publicly hanging the president. I want to drive home to my new readers that this is NOT a smart thing to say. I'm absolutely certain that Joe needs no help. Oh, and when someone threatens the president, even President Giveaway, the Secret Service takes offense. 

John had a few good points in his new deleted x/Twitter rant, but ThermionicEmissions does not condone violence. ThermionicEmissions recommends throwing them all out at the voting booth. As Joe was installed at the voting booth, ThermionicEmissions is very disappointed in some of you.

UFO caught on camera hovering over Air Force 1 at LAX during Joe Biden's fundraising trip to Los Angeles

I told the aliens not to bother, but they wanted to see what kind of extraterrestrial the president is.

Naturally the UFO was variously identified as lenticular clouds, ducks, Roseanne Barr, those meddling kids, and of course, swamp gas.  Freedom of Information act requests will read that there was nothing above the president's plane and that's their final answer. 

An LAPD helicopter was seen orbiting the object. Because if there's a vehicle that can cross space and time, then hover above the main man of the free world, for sure a helicopter will be able to handle it. They used their bullhorn to tell the object to PULL OVER or they'd hold them down with their knees until they couldn't breathe whatever it is they breathe.

Turquoise taillights tell you this Mercedes is driving autonomously

Mother to children: if you see turquoise taillights, STAY AWAY FROM THE CAR.

If you see a Mercedes, stay away from the car. BMWs too. Their drivers are complete assholes.

Musk floats idea of boat mod for Cybertruck

because the truck keeps rolling its windows down when it detects water.

 

When do cats play fetch? When they feel like it

was there ever a more obvious answer on this blog? 

We had a cat who would initiate playing fetch and stay with it. We had to stop when the dog kept  insisting the ball was his. When the cat died, the dog grieved for months.

Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as feds say it’s too easily misused

Finally, the federal government admitted Americans are too stupid to drive.

Now that they got away with it, look for more things Americans are too stupid to do:

1. brush their teeth
2. vote (for other than R or D)
3. cross the street  (oops, jaywalking fines go to $1,000)
4. think (oops, COVID, do what you're told)
5. own a dog without a license
6. this sure ain't working out like I thought it would

Your Smart TV Knows What You’re Watching

I've been saying this for years. Think about your Fitbit, car, phone, phone apps, and anything that connects to the net. We need to demand better (and not use this garbage).

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing mix because it may contain moths

 The British Moth Marketing Board is seeing red and wants you to know that there are many tasty stuffing dishes one can prepare with moths, so snap these up while they're still around.

 

Help, My Wife is a Plant

It was late. I wanted to go out because it was late. No problem, malls are open late before xmas.

Except this year. They close at 6pm on Sunday (6:34 in New Jersey). I was sad. Let's face it - because of the sad state of retail, I am usually sad. Well, the sad state of retail and the refusal of the doctors to give me the meds that work, instead of the ones that make my hair grow only on the left side of my body.

Naturally I blame this on President Giveaway and Idiot Governor Tom Wolf, who put mandates in place during the Flying AIDS pandemic and closed businesses and randomly decreed other businesses 'essential.' I wonder what it looks like inside malls. My guess would be Empty. As empty as it has been all year. All malls we visited were uncluttered by those nasty stores. At least one had a Cinnabon, which made the trip tolerable.

So I was sad and Wife did the smart thing; went to bed (naturally with Dog trailing her). It was the smart thing because it's not pleasant to be around me when I'm sad; less so when I'm angry. Things tend to go flying across the house. Things like glasses, Heffalumps, and 1970s Chevrolets. 

It's not that we're those odd pet owners, but Penny's not quite the puppy she was and the bed is really tall, so we bought her some stairs so she could get in the bed. Aside from Cockers for Cold Cuts, her other charity is Sleep Number Beds for Cockers. She was apoplectic when she heard other cockers don't have sleep number beds. She likes to stretch out. Unfortunately the sleep number bed belongs to the humans, but we learned to adjust. It's not that I sleep deeply, but I hear tell that the dog sometimes sleeps on my chest or my head. I laughed because I can't get Wife to do this.

Speaking of which, after we got married, we vowed we'd never go to bed angry. That's why I've been awake for the past 18 years.

After Thanksgiving, Black Fridays, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, there's now Green Monday, which  I believe is any Monday after Cyber Monday, retailers are out of their minds, trying to come up with more stupid sales days... let's help, shall we?

1. Bottom of the Barrel Monday
2. Shopping for ME weekend
3. Gift Card Tuesday
4. Buy a Stupid Gift Week
5. Not Really a Sale Wednesday
6. We're Out of Stock Thursday
7. Nose Hair Clipper Friday

Little Johnny's mom took him shopping, then remembered why she hasn't taken him shopping the past year. Little Johnny is going to grow up to have a blog, because he doesn't know any better and has no filters...

• Mom, that guy is a trans... transsexual, like Dad watches when you're not home.
• HEY LADY - stop picking your nose and eating it!
• Mom, that lady has a leash on her kid. Why can't I follow them and bark?
• Look! That lady has no arms!
• Hi, Mrs. Smith. What's a hooker? Mom says you dress like a hooker.

Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as feds say it’s too easily misused

As much as  it pains me, I  have to agree with Tesla, but the correct title of the article is "Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as people are too stupid to use it correctly."

Dropbox spooks users with new AI features that send data to OpenAI when used

 You can opt-out but it ain't easy 

Humana also using AI tool with 90% error rate to deny care, lawsuit claims

Humana sees nothing wrong, and is pretty excited by this result. Their humans only managed an error rate of 80%, so now more claims will be denied (especially cancer patients). Let's face it, folks... insurance is where you bet a very large, powerful corporation that they'll pay your claim. As they say in Vegas, "The house always wins."

 Let’s attempt to decode Google’s confusing new location data settings

Let's not. Just say NO to Google.

 Time slows down - really.

As I was sailing down over the steps, using air-gravity as the method, for the nth time, I think maybe it's a good idea to put a mattress at the bottom of the steps. A mattress and maybe one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" buttons. No matter how many times I remind myself to remain in contact with ALL the steps, I find myself taking the airborne shortcut. Thus far I haven't hurt my head too badly, although many will argue this point.  I have a doozy of a nasty-looking line on my arm. People might say I tried to commit suicide, but it's too far up and in the wrong direction. This goes to show you how bright people who say I tried to commit suicide are. 

Xfinity waited 13 days to patch critical Citrix Bleed 0-day. Now it’s paying the price

For those of you playing along at home, there was a nasty flaw in some Citrix equipment. Xfinity did not patch the flaw immediately and got hit. Data on 36 million customers is in the hands of hackers. As for Comcast paying the price, I'm sure a very serious wrist-slapping is in order.

As we're watching commercials (the only thing left on tv), we start to notice people wearing these glasses that appear to be made of very dark I-beams. Mrs. lefty says they look like they're wearing furniture.

Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? It's Both, you Nimrod

While I'm sitting there, trying to decide whether my pancreas pain is mild to moderate or moderate to severe, I look down into a large zippered bag with art supplies. Naturally the 'I Can't Believe it's not Butter,' spray is there. Naturally. I mean, what kind of idiot doesn't go there to look for butter substitute?

We have 2 remotes. Ok, actually we have 12 remotes, in the Remote Bag, but only 2 that are functionally used daily; 1 for tv power, 1 to change channels, volume, and intelligence of the commercials (forever broken).  I noticed it was broken when I tried to raise the IQ of the commercials for a car online purchasing service (Car-something, right?). The denizens of the commercial, all hopped up on some recreational pharmaceutical or other, are insane with glee because they can set their payments. Some hurt their legs from jumping up and down. Others blow out their voice shouting. And the ringleader is sometimes this long-haired lady with zero softness and zero likability; the kind of lady who stabs her coworkers when they're not looking. In fact, she's downright nasty. Now I'm generally good at figuring out who this crap is marketed to, but this leaves me baffled. It's borderline insulting. I'm thinking maybe kids who listen to Taylor Swift (because no adults listen to Taylor Swift) or people who soil their panties when numbers change on their phones or there are pretty pictures, or people who just like buying alligators. Last night every commercial break featured this commercial, resulting in a result the car company thought about: people hate the commercial so much they won't use the service. This does not affect me, as I hate everything, long before the commercials appear.

As you'd expect, 1 of the remotes went missing. This is somewhat surprising, as 1 is used right before the other, the result being that 1 is used right after the other one. Only at ThermionicMansion, we get worried if this doesn't happen. And sure enough, we were short 1 remote. The problem here is that it's the channel-changing remote, so we were, in the vernacular, fscked. Fortunately and surprisingly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down upon me kindly and the tv was already tuned to the channel I sought (the one with the 1970s show 'Emergency,') because I like to watch it at lunch, and because it doesn't treat the viewer as if all their brain cells suddenly went to North Dakota in the middle of winter, for a nice warm vacation. 

You have to know what happened next, right? After a 57 minute search, the errant remote was located, in an upstairs bedroom, in a hidden spot under the floor, in yet another zippered art supply bag. Since the concept of just putting something back in its correct place is way too bizarre for the people (and animal) that live in the house, I decided that we will no longer have art supplies in the house. Mrs. lefty suggested we put them in the basement, but I overruled this, as we'd have to walk downstairs to find the remotes or lettuce.

Pharmacies share medical data with police without a warrant, inquiry finds

Shocking! No, wait, what's that other word.... expected.

The growing abuse of QR codes in malware and payment scams prompts FTC warning

 lefty says Just Don't. These codes can take control of your phone or parts of it. There is little in a QR code that can't be found on a website.

Proposed US surveillance regime would enlist more businesses

Big brother, big sister, big business. 702 up for renewal - contact your reps and tell them NO. Don't listen to any crap about the terrorists and child pornographers winning; this is our right to privacy!

5 Most Privacy Focused Web Browsers

Written from an open-source/linux POV, it holds for any operating system. Notice that Chrome isn't there. You can do a lot with Firefox, which remains my recommendation. 

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing mix because it may contain moths

Aside from that, it's perfectly fine.

 

Solar wind gave Mars a breather and its magnetosphere inflated

Good... now the Rover can keep its hat on.

 

H&R Block launches AI tax filing assistant

Yeah, let's use AI against the IRS. What could possibly go wrong?  

 

Your Smart TV Knows What You’re Watching

Of course it does. It's been doing it since smart tv's came out. Told you so.

 

Princess Excretia

Yeah, the title refers to Dog, whose new meds make her pee a lot, sometimes in the house.

Your love is like  random excretia from Dog (or cat) (or service elephant)

Worm’s rear end develops its own head, wanders off to mate

Some would say this explains Congress, bur I hold out for the entire political process these days....

 

HP printer app is installing on PCs whether they have HP printers or not

Which, as they say, can be a real bummer if you don't have an HP M106w.

"MS says printers should mostly still work."

These guys are hysterical.

 

You Say Potato, I Say It’s a Vegetable—a Loaded Topic for Debate

US Diet Committee Debates Whether Potatoes are Vegetables or 'Starchy Grain'

 

Your tax dollars at work: botanists say potatoes are a vegetable, but the US Diet Committee says they're an airplane. We sure contribute a lot of tax dollars.

A maverick physicist is building a case for scrapping quantum gravity

“When we started, maybe 99 percent of our colleagues thought we were crackpots and that’s now down to maybe 70 percent,” quips Oppenheim, of University College London.

 What they don't know is that 70% is the threshold of gravity in quantum physics. Or Doom Theory.

23andMe updates user agreement to prevent data breach lawsuits

CEO: What's with our security?

CIO: We sent it off to vacation in the Virgin Islands.

CEO: When?

CIO: Only.... about.... a couple years ago.

CEO: Well, at least it wasn't a decade.

CIO:  [silence]

CEO: 5.1 million users had information leaked!

CIO: Yeah, that's a real shame.

CEO: The Virgin Islands are an expensive place to live when you have no job, Bob.

CIO: Don't worry, I have it all wrapped up.

CEO: How?

CIO: We just change the user agreement so they can't sue.

CEO: I take it back, you can go to the Virgin Islands with full pay. Just send Security back.

Teslas will be able to automatically call 911 if you get in a crash

You're saying to yourself that this is the second useful feature on a Tesla, after the fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, it won't dial 911 if if the crash is a Tesla-caused problem; only if it's the driver's fault. 

Mystery of the Missing ISS Tomato Finally Solved

Thank God. Some of the wackier astronauts claimed that the tomato was actually running the ISS. The Pentagon said Jesus ran the ISS. The tomato was lost months ago, out of shame, when Russian astronauts fought American astronauts over whether the tomato was a fruit or a vegetable. The reason the Russians left is that they discovered the tomato is actually a screwdriver. It kept their air leak under control for a few months. The tomato joins a vintage Playboy, a 3oz Subway hoagie, and the only functional pens on the entire ship. When asked for comment, the tomato said, "It's frightening - there are over 9,000 pieces of space junk and nobody driving. It's like a Tesla with no auto-drive. The entire ship is full of poop and the aliens tell really bad jokes. "

 

Be Decisive - more or less

Your love is like  shredded wheat

The surprisingly robust careers of Star Trek stars who became video game voice actors. 

Later this week, we'll have a war in Comments about which Star Trek was the real Star Trek.

Roar of cicadas was so loud, it was picked up by fiber-optic cables

It turns out more cicadas than thought visit Pr0nhub.

Hackers stole ancestry data of 6.9 million users, 23andMe finally confirmed

Told you so, only I told you it was via (already) sharing with law enforcement.

Automakers’ data privacy practices “are unacceptable,” says US senator

Then he went back to his nap. Just kidding, this is Markey, who occasionally has some good ideas about privacy.

California pilot who crashed plane for YouTube clicks is headed to federal prison

but he got the views!  Pretty soon you won't be able to step outside for the falling planes for views.

Plants may be absorbing 20% more CO2 than we thought, new models find    

Well, isn't that interesting....

 

COP28: Head of UN talks hits back at climate denial claims

strange coincidence, no?  

UK porn watchers could have faces scanned

annnnd it begins..... 

FDA warns chemical company not to mix brake cleaner into hand sanitizer

This is not the first warning....

 

Horseradish root - a favorite of women everywhere

The Pitter Patter of Nuclear Weapons

Mom said, "You're not like the other boys, lefty.

Wife said, "Your brain does not work like other people's."

What you mean is that my brain doesn't work. You can't fool me, with yer motherly love and yer wifely tolerance.

After putting together an external fan to cool a laptop, I realized I neglected to consider the negative effects of the dog interfacing with the power supply. In one move, she pulled both wires apart, which then shorted out, taking out the wall wart. Today I figured I'd like a little (more) aggravation, so I determined the wall wart was heaven-bound (or wherever wall warts go), located another wall wart, of the proper voltage, soldered it to make it 10% more dog-proof and it worked. Sure, it's louder than a 767, but the laptop is cooler.

Except the soldering. Once again my hands shook like a 90 year old meth freak with Parkinson's. The really smart person inside of me, way down deep, so far he's almost never seen, said I should go see a doctor; any doctor. I'm starting to think he might be right.

I have a box where I put all the superfluous wall warts and laptop power supplies. The professional people on tv, with initials after their names and tv shows guaranteed to last at least a week, would call me a hoarder. But when my fan needed a 12v wall wart, I dug into said box and pulled one out. When the dog shorted that out, I went back in the box and pulled out another wall wart. That's not hoarding; that's being prepared for future dog-related electronic circumstances. Just don't ask me about my stash of resistors, capacitors, and tubes.

I'm going to guess there aren't a lot of electronic hobbyists reading this blog. The blog's title, ThermionicEmissions, refers to how vacuum tubes (valves in the UK) work. I'll just do this for me...

Why do you have so many capacitance meters?

I like diversity.

How is that diversity?

I take a capacitor and measure it on 4 meters. Each result will be wildly different - that's diversity.

Then how do you know the value?

It's printed on the capacitor.

If my wonderful readers promise to have their friends read the blog, I promise no more electronics humor.

So let's set our scopes on Wife instead.

There are many things I don't understand. Getting married proved there were many more. 

Me: Honey, why are there upside down soda cans in the sink?

Her: Oh, I had to drain them before throwing them out.

Me: Ok, but why are they still in the sink?

Her: I am working more efficiently... I turn them upside down then go on to something else.

Me: I see. But they're still in the sink, thereby cutting efficiency by 50%.

Her: Were you thinking of sleeping on the couch again tonight?

I strongly suspect that is related to this:

Water is boiling. The whistle from kettle is deafening. People across the state know we have achieved very hot water. The instigator of this is nowhere to be found. Finally she comes through the door, cursing and screaming.

Me: Why are you screaming?

Her: Stupid water is boiling.

Me: Did this come as a surprise, after turning the burner on? Perhaps you could stay in the general vicinity of the water, then you don't have to come running while cursing its parentage.

Her: But I'm getting other things done...

Efficiency, as it turns out, is not.

Her: Yes it is: I get you to do it, cutting 50% of my duties.

Guys, no matter what you think your wife's IQ is, she's smarter than you.

Amazon packages reportedly overwhelm small post offices, delaying other mail

When they say 'delaying,' what they mean is that there is an agreement that Amazon packages have priority over regular old USPS letters. That's right - Humongo Corp now runs the US Postal System. On the other hand, it probably can't get much worse...

CEO Reminds Everyone His Company Collects Customers' Sleep Data

Remember this: Fitbits, watches, phones, games, and everything else collects data. Your data, which isn't yours anymore. The article is about a 'smart mattress topper.'

 

Nasal Imperatives

A phone manufacturer named Nothing has ported Apple IMs to android.

Why, you ask?

Nobody knows, but it was shut down in 24 hours (ok, it was a security issue).

Let's be serious - who wants those stupid bleeps and bloops and ridiculous visuals? Android users are still pissed we have to put up with iDevice 'liked that message' notices. Guess what... I don't care if you liked my text or not. I do not derive my ability to get through another day because you liked my post. Or 12 friends liked it. I'd never do that. Except on my blog.

One of those endless Black Friday promos touted mouse pads.

Mouse pads?

Did Consumer Reports buy a bunch of them and test them? What was the testing criteria? Shape? Smoothness? Reaction from people you steered by them? Funky colors? Use as a tissue?

We've gone nuts.

• Some picky Australian mosquitoes may target frog nostrils for blood
• and here we thought they were merely a delicacy..

Deep space astronauts may be prone to erectile dysfunction, study finds

Well, there goes all the ThermionicEmissions reader astronaut job applications 

Study: The serotine bat uses its super-large penis as an arm when mating

So?  Don't we all? Drives the female bats crazy!  

 I got nothing for Thanksgiving. That's ok, I did want anything.

I also got nothing on Cyber Monday. What a stupid concept. Black Friday starts in October, and there are many of them.. they line up, like North Korean government officials, waiting to be shot. Next year, Black Friday will occur in February. Cyber Monday will start on Sundays. Now there's a Giving Tuesday. I like that one - I'm going to give myself a break from all this crap. The xmas trees have been out since July, but didn't fare too well this year due to climate change.

Now that I think about it, I did want something for Thanksgiving: turkey. I don't know what it is but I have trouble getting turkey on Thanksgiving. While some would consider it rude to demand a host serve a certain dish, mine has this fascination for lamb. To the best of my knowledge, the Pilgrims didn't fsck sheep, so I'm going with turkey. Mind you, the dog appreciated the hell out of the lamb, which came home in the appropriately-named doggie bag. Bless them, there was a turkey this year, but we were terrified of what might happen to it - perhaps a turkey stuffed with lamb (or tomatoes), so we had a few large boxes of Stove Top stuffing in the car, just in case. Another guest was from Colombia and brought a traditional dish that involved poorly-cooked yellow rice and stuff. I hear Colombia was pretty mad and sent something else.

When there is no turkey, Mrs. lefty says she'll make a small one at home, then promptly forgets. I decline to remind her because I like my testicles. Mostly, I really want a vat of vanilla buttercream icing, like Mom used to make.

My dish is always dessert. It's usually something chocolate and very heavy to carry (and eat). This year it was a pumpkin pie (with lamb) and a very heavy peanut butter/chocolate pie.

While I got vanilla and chocolate buttercream icing (and a spoon), Mom used to bring the best cake anyone ever had to events. It was a very heavy chocolate cake, with chocolate buttercream icing. Everybody went nuts over it. There was a little coffee in the icing, which only made it better. Mom played a really insidious joke on the family by telling us the cake recipe was on the chocolate tin. No member of the family could make the cake like she did. Mom literally took the recipe to the grave...I have to admit, she got us good.

It's been 3 months since she departed. Her ashes sat next to the table so she got to celebrate with the family. I suggested her ashes could summer at our house next year. 

We all miss her terribly. The grief sneaks out here and there, triggered by a situation or word. Whenever anybody says 'icing,' I'm inconsolable for hours.

Happy Turkeys

Above all, I hope you have something to be thankful for (aside from this blog).

You may have to look very hard, but find it,

This has been my worst year in recent memory, with the loss of my mother. As I look back, the years seem to be getting shittier and shittier. Yes, I haven't been run over by something with tires the size of me, but that's not entirely one of those things you're thankful for... maybe I can make a list to help myself and others find something to be thankful for:

1. no airplanes crashed into you or your home (that you know of)
2. you didn't exercise and die from it
3. no nuclear war (your city is a primary target, you know)
4. pr0n finally came out in your area of interest (no, not the donkeys, please)
5. the doctors said you're clear
6. you only have to log in once to view ThermionicEmissions - bloody Google
7. enough shit happened to me to keep the blog interesting
8. you weren't in any poorly-constructed deep underwater craft when it imploded
9. you didn't kill that prick who cut you off (the cop behind you helped)
10. no satellites fell out of orbit and landed on you

I hope that helped.

After turkeys, it's Black Friday. You know, the original Black Friday. Not the ones that seem to have popped up and called themselves Black Friday. I joked that pretty soon, Black Friday would be in February, and it looks like it's on its way. I wasn't sure I'd see the day when games and headphones would be the major items to kill people for in stores. Could you imagine the Eternal Shame of being killed in Walmart, during a Black Friday, reaching for some ear-covering, noise-cancelling headphones, with the option of being able to hear through them? The headstone would be particularly depressing through the ages..

HERE LIES JOHNNY.

HE WENT IN TO WALMART ON BLACK FRIDAY AND NEVER CAME OUT.

1999-2024

Pray for his soul.

It probably doesn't get any better when you die and go to heaven, or that other place that has the strippers (and the lawyers). 

What happened to you? 

I was in Walmart on Black... 

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sucker! Are you mentally challenged or something? Go sit in the back.  St Peter and his posse will be here soon to individually laugh at you.

Speaking of Black Friday, the NAACP and Jesse Jackson have completely failed to protest the name, as demeaning to blacks (or something). I think they took a payoff from Retail.

• The bad news: war is ramping up all over the planet
• The good news: arms sales are through the roof! The military industrial complex never loses!

Reflecting on 20 years of Patch Tuesday - Microsoft

Yup, it just keeps growing and growing...

Asked about Thanksgiving, President Biden said he loved to see all those cute little bunnies on the White House lawn.

Conversations with my dog

Her: I've been thinking.

Me: Uh-oh.

Her: No, it's a good thinking. I want to give back, since you've been so nice to me.

Me: That's certainly a good thing. What were you thinking of?

Her: I'd like to be one of those service dogs for the police.

Me: That's quite selfless of you. But I doubt the police need a tuna-locating dog.

Her: I'll re-think this and get back to you. By the way, got any tuna?

I read that if you look in the sky, under certain circumstances, you can see tools. No, really. During a recent out of the capsule repair mission, a tool bag floated away and has been determined not to be in a dangerous orbit. So if you have a moment, try to locate the Magic Tool Bag.

Because if it had been in a bad orbit, that would have been most unfortunate. The Russian side of the ISS could get a screwdriver through it. Not that this will prove to be a bigger leak than the current ones. In spite of the leak(s), the Russian side of the ISS keeps trying to invade the American side, claiming the Americans started it.

Canada Canada, Ship 'Em Off to Canada

Barbara Streisand, inspiration for the Streisand Effect, says she 'can't live' in US if Trump becomes president. (apparently no one told her Trump was already president)

Although this would at first seem like a present, we must remember just four or eight years ago, when over 100 celebrities large and small pledged they would move to Canada if Trump got elected. How many of them moved? Absolutely zero. None. Nada. Zip. So much for the promises of celebrities.

Streisand goes on to praise President Giveaway, saying he has done a good job and supports the right things. Huh? If Babs so desperately loves the way Biden gives away her money, perhaps she should just give it away to us or the deficit. And he supports the right things. Yay - I voted him in because he supports the right things, even if he doesn't support them in office. I want to tell the aged singer that politicians lie, but don't want to give her that sort of shock at this time in her life. She also refers to Bill and Hillary Clinton as "the most appealing couple." Who taught this lady how to vote? Obviously nobody. Barbara needs to get with the people who keep Kamilla Harris quiet; they would be perfect for her.

Barbara's empty threat comes at the perfect time, as the actors' strike is over, so the poor unfortunates can afford to move. Has anybody called Canada yet? Oh, poor thing, the Canadians hate us too, so the over-privileged will have to find a different country for emigration purposes. Never mind the Canadians hate Trump - you are painted with the same brush because you're an American. We don't do this in America, or we'd think every Canadian was a rights-grabbing pussy who was way too in touch with his feminine side.

PS Vote Green Pen or libertarian. R or D won't help us anymore than it has.

 

So you have to know it's Laptop Time.

Silly person, it's always Laptop Time at ThermionicMansion.

At the moment, there is exactly one laptop that performs as advertised; an ancient 13" Dell, with vacuum tubes. Being a 32 bit machine, not everything will run on it, but at least linux keeps it running fast. 

Just the other day, I picked up some laundry to fold and a shirt grazed a large glass of chocolate milk, hurling the brown liquid all over the place. In 6 months, I'll still be finding chocolate milk stains. Without hesitation, I grabbed the large plastic glass and saved a few ounces of the chocolate goodness, after which I hurled it across the room, depositing chocolate milk upon the rest of the things in the living room (and basement and roof). It left a huge hole in the glass too, which would make it a great joke glass, but I left it on the floor for a few days, to let it think about its error and how it would behave better in its next life.

An hour later, the Dell laptop seized. Needing a logical opinion, I dug up Sir Arthur Conan Holmes, who examined the situation and said that it was categorically the chocolate milk that affected the Dell. I looked at him kinda funny, and not only because he was dead. There were 4 drops of liquid on the keyboard, which hadn't dropped into the laptop. Nevertheless, when I went to reboot, it made all sorts of hideous noises, shrieks, and beeps. Motherboards have a beep code to tell you what's wrong. I was going to look it up, but 15 seconds of too many beeps to count put me off the idea. So I did the only logical thing I could under the circumstances: I cried.

The next day I felt up to a challenge, albeit not one as large as getting a laptop fixed, but I'm brave, also known as Stupid, and have no fear. I went over that laptop top to bottom. I did exactly what Dell technicians told me to do on every call I ever made: reseat the memory. This is Dell's answer to everything. After we manage to blow up the planet, there will only exist cockroaches, Keith Richards, and Dell Service. When you call Dell to tell them the planet just blew up, they'll immediately suggest you open the small door on the bottom and reseat the memory.

After that little exercise (exercise being fatal), I got the amount of beeps down to a few hundred and somehow made the laptop boot up. I was well pleased with myself (chuffed in England, huffing in certain parts of Philadelphia). Later when I turned it on again, I discovered there was a small issue: the keyboard didn't work. Like I said, the tiniest of problems. The laptop suggested I hit F3 to bring up the onscreen keyboard. Ummmm... if the keyboard is broken, I can't use it to bring up the digital keyboard, can I? I dared not call Dell, because I had already reseated the memory. So the laptop is now fully functional, unless I want to do something that involves typing. Boy did I duck that bullet.

I could check email on my android tablet, but it takes 23 hours to charge, goes through the battery in 2 hours, and the big one; I couldn't find it. The more-than-likely broken power jack laptop has applied for a replacement jack and been selected for one, at $25 for the jack and THIRTY DOLLARS TO SHIP IT A FEW STATES AWAY. It will still take a week.

There is actually another laptop, that can best be called functional. Better yet, semi-functional. It is also old, and weighs more than a Kenworth truck. The only reason it's not my main laptop is its annoying habit of overheating and freezing up at the slightest provocation, like looking at it the wrong way, or going hmmmpf on certain days of the week. While this is perfectly ok for a work laptop, I need a personal laptop that more or less stays on while I'm working on it. My requirements are unreasonable, but that's why I get the Big Bucks (no I don't). As it is an old, large laptop, it's missing the 47 screws it would take to enter it if it were a newer laptop. In fact, it opens right up. This is when I notice there are two huge fans, which are currently entertaining themselves by not working. I replaced them already, which means it's not the fans. Being Brave (Stupid) ends here: we're now well above my pay grade. 

There are these really cool laptop board fans that are supposed to cool your laptop. Naturally I don't have one, but they're really cool. I've pretty much narrowed down the problem to lack of working fan, so this would be the ideal solution (as buying more laptops clearly didn't work). I knew what I had to do: put on my Bob Villa/Fred Sanford hat and make some sort of external fan cooling system. When I say 'external fan cooling system' I mean putting a fan near the heat vent.

This is where things got really interesting (or earth-shatteringly boring). I needed to search my Fred Sanford junk palace to make things work. After 3 hours, I discovered I had ripped my pants AND I had no fans. I have a very large 24" room fan, but something told me it might be a little loud (and windy). AHA - I said to myself, because when I say it out loud, it frightens people. That broken computer power supply has a FAN in it. This was the 2nd part of my Wonderful Journey... all I needed was one of those old wildlife experts to lead me around, looking for parts, and telling me what the Great Horned Fan does in its natural habitat (it eats boats). With the discovery of the fan came the discovery that it needed to come out of the power supply, largely involving wirecutters and a small screwdriver. Since wirecutters are like pens (never there except when you don't want them), I continued on my Jungle Discovery, wherein the aged host led me up on the roof to locate the wild wirecutter in its natural habitat. The joke was on him, as we need a new roof, so all the wirecutters abandoned it last year. I've been in electronics since I was old enough to electrocute myself, so I have developed quite a store of wirecutters, only I have no idea where they are. My house is a large and scary place, made moreso by my presence. There are floors beneath floors that aren't even on the blueprints. Wife says there's a whole city full of guitar stores under the basement but I tell her it's not true. The city of guitar stores is in the Guitar Room - no need for elevators. 

Finally there occurred a distant spark in my gray matter (grey matter in England). If I got out the backhoe to where I keep the guitar cases, there might be wirecutters to cut strings. Keep in mind that so far I've been to the basement, guitar room, and computer office, and all I have is a fan in a power supply and a pair of wirecutters. But we're not even close to done: the wirecutters are so old, they're locked together, so it's off to the back room to find WD40 to unlock the cutters. Back in the office, I removed the humongous fan from the power supply and discovered it was a 12 volt fan and the laptops only provide 5 volts. Back to the basement, to find a wall wart that put out 12 volts. This project was like inadvertent exercise; every step involved 45 steps (and 3 floors). I tested for voltage, wired it up, and BOOM - an external cooling system. Well, although I didn't electrocute myself, I did have 2 wires sitting out that probably shouldn't come together, lest my cooler get really hotter. So... HEY - WHERE'S MY FRIGGIN' DUCT TAPE? No duct tape, no fabric tape, no Scotch tape, none of those little wire nuts that always fall off anyway. Off to yet another room where tape is occasionally found. 2" wide clear tape is now keeping the wires from shorting. The bonus is that you can see them, like they're under glass or something exotic. The aged animal show host would have lost his mind on this, but he's taking his nappy and he lost his mind many years ago. Whenever he sees a lion, his staff has to physically keep him from going to pet the nice doggy.

So there it was: 3 little parts, from every room in the house. Here's the hard bit (you mean it gets better?): there aren't a lot of hole slot thingies on the laptop, so it's hard to figure out where to put the fan (that is now 3x too tall for the laptop) and to figure out whether it needs to suck or blow (that's what she said). It didn't seem to matter, so after eating an entire day, I had a free, fan-based, external cooling system for a laptop. Translated, that means I can now go spend $50 on a lapboard laptop fan thingie to cool the laptop down. With that kind of time waste, I should be in government.

The above great idea worked for 2 days, then was 'slightly interrupted' by Overly Friendly Cocker Spaniel. She MUST be right in the middle of things, so when I stood, she walked away, taking the fan with her and pulling some wires that looked important.

Dust off your X's - Xmas is coming!

 

Your love is like   prune and prawn cocktail

Ladies and blog readers: we have no time in our lives for people who say 'OMG' out loud. These people need Internet Lessons at a special camp for a few years.

I'm at that point again: forced vacation. This is when I have to take my accrued vacation days or I'll lose them. Since I like to work, I have a few vacation days left (last I checked, 137 days). Ok, I'm kidding - 37 days. Last year and all the years before it, I didn't bother planning so I wound up taking December off, plus every Monday and Friday or so. Definitely every Saturday. Since I only waited til Halloween this year, I managed to not take any full months off, even though my appearances in December are still pretty sparse.

I mention this because I'm not like other people. No, really. Like other special people, I require structure. At home there's no structure, so unless there's something interesting to do (or Wife is screaming at the top of her lungs), I kinda default to my comfy chair [PUT HIM IN THE COMFY CHAIR!]. Very little gets done, and that's the crux of the biscuit. For some people, this is not a good thing. I am one of them. But sit I do. I need to read the news to find out which of our mortgage or credit card companies has been breached this week (by a vulnerability that has been known about for months). 

Plus you never know how it will go if I get bored. It could take me all the way to the deep end and I'll do something unthinkable, like clean. Or I could get up to Mischief. I had to cut down the mischief after Mrs. lefty took up martial arts (although I prefer marital arts). Now I get her input before Mischief, and only commit it outside the house.

So I'll be reporting: Updates from the Chair

I will be 'politely requested' to do some home chores [I WANT THAT NEW FAUCET IN THE BATHROOM BY END OF WEEKEND or you don't eat] or take the car out for a wash [why do you wash a car - it only gets dirty as you drive out of the car wash - like making the bed]. I'd vacuum but out of the 14 vacuums making up our Vacuum Graveyard, only half of one works, and that's waiting for someone to take a second look at it (with a flamethrower, to clean out the dirt). Strangely, the only one that lasted more than a few months was the tiny, cheap, plastic, pull-along thingie. It's red. Vacuums frustrate me, like many things. They tend to clog up, but only in places where I can't find the clog. Or in the brush: between 2 people and a dog, there's enough hair in the brush to make up another 2 people and a dog. But mostly it's clogged so we can hear it but not find it. The little red vacuum (that couldn't) has no complex path for dirt, so when it clogs, as it is now, you can't find a single thing wrong with it. As I wait for Mrs. lefty's expert opinion (I always wait for the 2nd one, because the 1st one is invariably 'buy a new one'), I notice the household dust and dirt has gone past the 2" EMERGENCY mark and my guitar cords not only move, but something's speaking to me and it ain't the normal voices.

Soooooo I won't be vacuuming on forced vacation. I won't be shopping, as I hate people even more during the holidays. The mall around the corner has enough parking spaces for the entire city, but during the holidays, you can't find a single one. Little children are pulling their parents along, apologizing for the parents' behavior, the sales aren't, and you can't swing an unloaded flamethrower around without hitting people. And why would you carry an unloaded flamethrower around anyway? 

Besides - the mall is missing all functional shops except Victoria's Secret and Cinnabon. The pop-up Halloween shop is still there, with all costumes 10% off. One must run the gauntlet of foreign-born men trying to squirt you with stuff you hope is perfume, and most of the 'stores' are 'kiosks'. At 10pm, everybody in the mall stops what they're doing and says, "God, I am sorry for whatever I did to deserve this punishment. I am shopping online starting tonight."

People are so frazzled, the 4 restaurants left in the 'food court' make tasty food, except for Chik Filet, which isn't open on Sundays and any other day with 'day' in it. I don't want to say this mall is past it, but Starbucks closed and ran away screaming. I don't want to seem totally negative about Starbucks - their caramel crunch is really good, when the machines aren't broken. I suspect it doesn't have any actual coffee in it, so be sure to get a shot of espresso with it. But since the mall still has a Cinnabon, get a mochalotta chill. It's the best thing to drink with your cinnabons (or without them, heaven forbid).

So I won't be vacuuming OR going to the mall on forced vacation. I will also not be going caroling, even with all the great carols I know

• Since girls, single girls, going all the way
• [drummer boy] I'm hasidic, baruch atah tah
• I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus
• Mommy got run over by an armored personnel carrier
  
• Oh Tanenbaum, oh Birenbaun, oh Cohen and Slutzky

I tried caroling once. One thing I never considered before caroling was what people would think, opening their doors to me. Suffice it to say that it didn't go well, kinda like Gaza. You just don't want to see me at your door singing Christmas carol parodies... except that one guy, but I don't think he was listening to me singing and I didn't like the way he was looking at me. It's ok... Mrs. lefty got me out of there in time.  I couldn't picture myself mounted on his wall. Or in his living room. I will never understand why gay men like me so much. Sure, I'm gay-friendly, but not that friendly. If only women looked at me with that kind of leer..... Mrs. lefty would kill me.

So I won't be vacuuming or caroling. Or a partridge in a pear tree. I have never seen a partridge, or a pear tree, so I couldn't make it real enough. It looks like my default: sitting. I do it well. And often. And playing the guitar - I do that decently and not often enough. And sex... I do that decently but not often, and usually by myself.

I could frolic in the snow, but it hasn't snowed much and I don't really like snow. My frolicking days were over years ago.  I could give out presents to kids, but they frighten me. Best to give out presents to their mothers.

It turns out that after doing the Science, real and fake xmas trees are the same: neither do a thing until you do something. They both sit there in an uninspired heap until or unless you put them up. They both stay there for months after xmas unless you take them down. That's more responsibility and work than I'm happy taking on at the end of the year.

So if I find anything to do over Forced Vacation that isn't sitting, I'll be sure to report it here.

Meanwhile, here is a carol I'm composing as I type... just in case you're wondering what to get your favorite blogger (or me) this year...

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Vanessa Hudgens

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a 1958 left handed Stratocaster

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: blogging lessons

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: more true loves

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 Sports Illustrated Supermodels

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: an Alexander Howard Dumble amp

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a non-cancerous cocker

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a car that won't break or get hit all the time

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a house that won't demand my salary

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a wife in no pain

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: world peace

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Linda Fiorentino  (and Vanessa Hudgens, not in a tree, on alternate days)

I'm not supposed to know, but my wife wants to get me a jam session with my favorite guitar players, Jeff Beck and Jimi Hendrix. They're dead, so...  Ohhhh, I get it.

Rock and Roll Hall of Shame

I'm looking at some pictures of the inductees and continuing to shake my head..

In the past, such rock and roll luminaries as Donna Summer and Tupac have been inducted. The abject silliness continues this year. Let me list some of these 'rockers'

• Willie Nelson  - I like Willie Nelson, but he ain't R&R
• DJ Kool Herc  - nothing with a DJ in front of it belongs in the RRHOF
• New Edition
• George Michael - I might entertain an argument here. PS Andrew Ridgeley is still alive.
• Sheryl Crow - I'm not arguing at all - she can rock me anytime she wants (she doesn't want)

RRHOF is just another political group that has bypassed real rock in favor of the above. If you're ever bored, look up what rockers have to say about the place.

Verizon Must Die  (Again)

• Verizon screwed up my phone payment. Because it didn't go through, my phone service went down. Yay Verizon!
• Wife stopped at a Verizon store to make the payment in person. No can do. They need an account number. She doesn't have the account number. No payment. No cell service. Important calls missed.
• I also don't have the account number - all transactions were done online, so no account number on correspondence. If I walked into a Verizon store, I couldn't pay my own bill.
• I had to set up a Verizon account. This naturally didn't work, plus one of the pages was down all day.
• I think I pulverized a laptop, desk, printer, and several large metal tools out of frustration. All I wanted to do was give them money.
• Finally got to a payment screen, put in an amount, then discovered it was not enough. What they didn't tell me was they were going to charge for everything, because the FCC must get its pound of flesh. So I paid different amounts three times.
• I don't want any harm to come to the poor Verizon workers; maybe just the people up top, who really deserve it. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

I hear there is a mythical land where people can ask questions and make payments online, without the need for illegal drugs or the wish to wipe out entire humongous corporations. I think someone made the whole thing up.

'I’m calling from Israeli intelligence. We have the order to bomb. You have two hours'

One must appreciate this very Civil war. What other country gives notice? Sounds like something the British would do... "Terribly sorry, old chap, but we're going to have a bit of a bombing. You should probably go for some fish and chips. Ta."

 Netflix released the first trailer for Avater: The Last Airbender.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like something that comes out of your butt.

Do you have your Electronic Vehicle yet?

Until anybody can prove me different, all we've done is shift the internal combustion burden to electricity generation. Is electricity generation cleaner? 

Protective vaccination rates falling out of reach in US; exemptions hit record 

Every now and then I'm proud of my fellow citizens. Ask questions. Don't suck up the narrative. Make your own decisions.

48-nation bloc to crack down on using crypto assets to avoid tax

Allow me to translate: We can't get our hands on it to tax you so we cannot permit it.

 

Don't Talk to my Table in that tone of voice

Your love is like   scrambled legs

What Went Wrong with a Highly Publicized COVID Mask Analysis?

there was an analysis - that's what went wrong 

Best headline this year:

Yes, this beetle runs out of a frog’s anus to survive being swallowed alive

Biden admin reveals 31 R&D tech hubs, with $500m up for grabs

Yes, once again, President Giveaway does his thing. Let's prop up industry so they can charge us more, like we did with Flying AIDS vaccines.

Meanwhile, the president's doctors are concerned: Joe hasn't given more than millions away in a few months. Usually it's billions, so exhaustive medical tests are being run as we speak.

 

Amazon drivers’ urine packaged as energy drink, sold on Amazon

Last edition of the blog features human urine in Chinese beer. It sure is a great year for urine

Men Overran a Job Fair For Women In Tech

I love this. At a female-only job fair, men showed up. How does it feel, ladies? Did you know that both sexes can be unemployed?

'I was kidnapped by my runaway electric car'

 I'm sitting here, trying to decide if kidnapped is worse than spontaneous fires, explosions, driving into police, or the steering wheel falling off. Perhaps this will be the new selling feature for each electric vehicle (don't forget to use your buzzwords: it's EV). If you buy a Tesla this week, you're guaranteed two spontaneous fires, plus the possibility of more. If you buy an MG, you can get out of work because it kidnapped you. If you buy the MG Deluxe package, you can have it call your boss, relatives, or the police and demand a ransom. There is no end to what technology can do.

 Aside from all the other fun around here lately, it's been a little boring. There has been no recurrence of the tartar sauce in the bathroom or the Toyota on the roof. I was feeling a little disheartened when I heard, "Why is there a spoon in my shirt?"  All is normal again,

Soda additive linked to thyroid toxicity may finally get banned by FDA

Only 50 years? Remember to get your vaccines, folks.

 

Tyson Foods recalls US nuggets after metal pieces found

Initially sold at twice the price as "Tyson High-Iron Nuggets"

 

You Reek of Sofa

 

Your love is like  roadkill souffle

Protesters delay start of Cal-USC football game in Berkeley

It's time for celebration: our friends at UC Berkeley are back out, this time taking their wacky antics to an actual football game. When asked why they were meandering around the field, interrupting things, they said something about a lost contact lens. When people recognized they were with UC Berkeley, they asked what the students were protesting. The students stopped at once, like a fleet of driverless taxis, and tried to figure out what they were protesting. Some said they were protesting, and that was good enough for them. Others said they weren't sure, but the protest leaders promised to fill them in later, which was fine by them.  One wag said he wasn't protesting - just following the protesters for pussy, but he discovered they're all pussies at UC Berkeley.

Earlier this year, UC Berkeley protested, saying they wanted no Jews or Zionists to speak on campus. When the school noted that no Jews or Zionists were scheduled to speak at the school, the students sued the school for trampling their right to protest. Asked for comment, both of the Jews attending UC Berkeley said that their beards, big hats and big coats hid their Jewishness from the rabble. They just had to be careful not to say anything that would give them away, like, "Dammit, I'm here for an education!" or "No, I will not go to the protest today."

UK policing minister urges doubling down on face-scanning tech

In the UK, they've gone past Surveillance State: now they're in your colon.

Brain tissue may be fuel for marathon runners

Told you so. Nobody listens to me. Exercise, aside from causing cancer, also eats your brain.

US Army warned Maine suspect too 'erratic' to have gun

What they actually said was, "He is way too unstable to be running around in public with a gun. With that kind of disability, he needs to be in the army." 

Asked for comment about Hamas, Gaza, and Israel, ThermionicEmissions wants to be clear and make one statement: you don't kill civilians.  Actually we're just kidding; no one asked for a comment.

In a satellite photo, 400 Roman forts were found in the Middle East.

The photos were from the Cold War and were just declassified. This is your government, people. Everything is a secret, but they need more money for secrets next year.

YouTube fumbles NFL Sunday Ticket streaming

YouTube, along with every other media outlet, has done everything possible to go after illegal streamers. Yet the streamers are the only ones who manage to stream without problems. What does this tell you?

 Don't ask me - I'm the AntiSports.

Surprisingly long-lived wild female chimps go through menopause

In totally unrelated news, wild male chimps sometimes leave their long-lived wild female chimps for up to a year.

I've struggled with this most of my life (The lefty Show) but I'm working on the cause. I'm no further than when I started, but I have a description: If there is a problem, I will find it.

• As the car came home, after the $700 tire fiasco, Wife ran into a convenience store. When she came out, there were 3 broken beer bottles in back of the car. I still shiver when I think about it. 
• As usual, Microsoft told me there was an update to Office. After it 'updated,' the Outlook View was all screwed up and it wouldn't left me fix it. I had to stop and restart office to get it back to normal. Funny, I don't have this problem with linux or its free office suite, Libre Office. It runs on Windows too and it's free, open source.
• As I study for a new program at work, I quiver because it will require testing. I don't test well, interview well, or audition well. But this is the least of my worries now; I can't get into the program to take the tests. Only me. The directions even tell you how to log in, but it doesn't work. My coworkers don't know what to do with me, moreso.

My System76 laptop still suffers from the power plug not making contact. I have to wiggle it, then pull it out by microns until it works. Or largely doesn't work. As usual, System76 has provided stellar service, recommending I send it in (for the 2nd time). They told me what had to be done involved soldering, and as it happens, I solder. The laptop is held together with a few (36) tiny screws, requiring a tiny screwdriver (34A phillips). The system is so well designed that if you pull 35 of the screws out, the single remaining screw will stop the entire bottom from coming off. One magic screw, probably because of one magic bean. They even cleverly hid a few of them under the battery. There are any number of reasons I attempt this difficult procedure

1. I have supreme confidence in myself  (no)
2. It sounds like I can do it  (maybe)
3. I'm really stupid, have no fear, and charge in without thinking about the consequences (very likely)

There are at least 3 different causes of this problem

1. the power jack is loose inside
2. the power jack has come loose from the circuit board
3. aliens

There was no clear way to differentiate #1 from #2, even after opening it up. I refreshed the solder joints, offered them a Dr. Pepper, and nothing changed. At least it didn't burst into flames, like a Tesla. No further toward an explanation, I think the jack itself is out of sorts on the inside. Without hesitation, Wife said, "Send it back." I'm beginning to think she has no confidence in my abilities to do something this delicate that I've never done before. Either that or she doesn't want to hear the screaming (more likely). She is willing to spend a lot of money to avoid the screaming, which probably says something (that I'll ignore because I'm a husband). 

These laptops are manufactured by a company called Klevo, which I've just decided is really named Klepto, because they keep taking your money, like Congress.

Tsingtao: Video shows Chinese beer worker urinating into tank

I've heard beer being referred to as 'squirrel piss' but I never thought they were serious...

After 12 Hours, Your Crotch Smells a 6 on a scale of 10

Don't ask me - I didn't write that. That's the claim of the alleged doctor, trying to sell some cream that makes your crotch, and other parts of you, not stink. You know, that annoying commercial that looks like it was shot with an old cell phone. Whoever came up with this idea for a commercial was completely under the influence of something and was mostly joking.

In related news, we escaped from the house last weekend. This is never good news, and it had been weeks since the last time, so I was a bit.... prickly...  from not getting out for a few weeks.

We found the one mall that wasn't half empty of stores, due to the Flying AIDS. We have no idea why, but it was good to see. Unfortunately we were there to eat first, so we went to the place with the cheesecake. They told us it would be 30 minutes' wait. I told them no, it wouldn't, and walked.  I shouldn't have to wait 30 minutes, especially when it's not mealtime and anyone with halfway decent vision could see the many tables that were waiting for customers. 

Then we walked to the 'food court.' Cajun Asian food? A Philly steak place in Philly? A closed Chik-Filet (because Jesus didn't eat chicken on Sundays). It was pretty miserable. A salad store? ACK! Oh wait, a brewery.. it was supposed to have good food, and we don't drink beer at all, so it was perfect. And when I say perfect, I mean we waited by several entrances and nobody could be bothered to greet or seat. I guess they were too busy for customers.

Our final hope was Friday's. I've had ok food at Friday's, so we went there, with great hope. Of course with great hope comes great expectations and with great expectations comes great disappointments; they were closed. How many large chain restaurants are closed? It looked dusty in the windows, like they were getting ready for Halloween, but we feared it hadn't been open since last Halloween.

My powers are great and they're back! I can halt all customer service and entire businesses by merely showing up.  The power is awesome, but with great power comes great responsibility. Local restaurants as well as national chains pay me not to come anywhere near their businesses, so they'll stay open. I don't really work in IT security....

So we went to our favorite diner, where I have no apparent effect on the service. Perhaps because there are never any other customers there.  I wonder if that's my fault too....

Q. How do you know you're in trouble purchasing Eeyore merchandise?

A. The attractive foreign girl at the kiosk asks, "What [is] Eeyore?"

Have you ever had to describe a depressed purple cartoon donkey to anyone? 

 

Across Israel, Jews and Arabs Join Forces to Help War Victims and Prevent Riots

It's not the people - it's their alleged 'leaders'. With exceptions, nobody's looking to kill civilians. I think people should get day jobs that they share with the 'other side.' You'd be surprised how well they work together and don't want to kill each other.

The people mentioned above are living their religion and morals.  Do not kill. Help others.

 

The Mormons were around last Saturday.

My friends wanted to know if I answered the door naked, or with a leather outfit.

Neither.

You gotta feel sorry for people whose religion has 'rules' that not only get you up early Sunday, you also have to get up early Saturday and knock on doors of people, none of whom want to see you. Maybe they weren't Mormons - they were definitely trying to look hip. How many hip Mormons do you know? They even had black Mormons. Most of the door-knockers had t-shirts that said 'At least we're not Scientologists'.

• The Phillies once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and managed to lose. My friend says she's a lifelong Philly fan, so she's used to loss. As the AntiSports, I cackle and move on.

surveillance world

• ICE Uses Tool To Find 'Derogatory' Speech Online   Ze Fuhrer vill decide
• Oops! Google Search caught publicly indexing users’ conversations with Bard AI
• A Key US Government Surveillance Tool Should Face New Limits, a Divided Privacy Oversight Board Says
• UK passport images database could be used to catch shoplifters
• ICE, CBP, Secret Service All Illegally Used Smartphone Location Data
• Chinese citizens feel their government is doing such a fine job with surveillance

--Americans do too, the difference being the Chinese government is SUPPOSED to spy on its citizens

There are LEAVES on my lawn 

I sure as hell didn't put them there.  Last time I looked, the grass was there.

You see, leaves are the final stage of mowing, the thing I hate most.

The dear departed Crazy Lady next door went to war with me about raking leaves. I hope she doesn't come back to haunt me, this being Halloween and all....

This is the back yard; the dog's personal bathroom. I look at it every day, several times, because she has to go out there. Since the weather got ugly(er), the grass was alerted to stop growing. Well, the grass out back... the grass in front ignores any seasonal cues and grows, just to spite me. And when I say grass, I mean weeds. I mow and within 2 days, the weeds are taller than the grass. Within a few more days, it has to be mowed again. I know it's personal and I never get over it. I remember previous Halloweens where the grass needed to be cut (excuse me, the weeds). 

After the final stage of mowing, the actual final stage will arrive. This takes  the form of Wife and me arguing about raking leaves. The dog's bathroom is full of leaves but I don't see any reason to rake them. It's not a public walkway and involves lots of raking, putting the little bastards in huge bags (the leaves, not the kids), then towing the bags out front. It's too much work and I see no benefit, aside from the cessation  of the screaming, so there's that.

Halloween itself is an interesting time of the year. It's getting colder (it was in the 70s last week, so it's 40 today). It's time when parents dress their kids in some crappy old outfit that no one can guess, then bus them into our neighborhood, where they heard we give out good candy, or we give out full size candy bars. I don't care which, I just find it a little annoying. Our neighborhood seems to be mostly dogs and their people; I can go days without seeing a child. Yet on Halloween, there are tons of kids. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of them (I just found out this is not a universal phrase - people, I don't swing dead cats, it's a figure of speech). 

Due to Supply Chain Issues, the candy got smaller and the cost doubled.

One of us is really fond of the holiday... really fond. You could guess, and you would be correct, that it's the one of us who likes kids. You know, the one who doesn't author this blog. The problem is that she isn't always around, having made some incredible excuse as to why she couldn't participate this year (sudden fear of children, no dead cats to swing, forgot to get candy..), so I get left holding the (empty) bag, which should be full of enough candy to withstand the busing and a few months' supply of candy. Since the timing is inconvenient and there's pr0n on the net, and since I don't like kids, I put the candy in a huge bowl and let the little bastards children pick their favorites. From time to time I refill the bowl. This absolves me of responsibility for Halloween and allows me to get back to Important Stuff<tm>. Then we both get to eat the leftovers, provided they're not lollipops, gummy dead animals, anything that even looks like fruit, or diet chocolate. Have you ever had dietetic chocolate? You bite into it, expecting the glorious chocolate goodness, then all of the sudden, you realize someone has tried to poison you. If you're still alive you ask why there isn't a HUGE yellow label on the box, that says WARNING - THIS IS DIETETIC CANDY - THERE IS NO SUGAR - DO NOT EAT! Then you dispose of them after consulting the HAZMAT people for proper disposal instructions. It turns out the precautions for disposing of dietetic candy are more stringent than for disposal of spent nuclear rods.

To my surprise, Wife has come up with yet another original excuse for missing Halloween (parents in hospital, need to stay in the will), so it's just me. Again.

The problem here, aside from my severe dislike for holidays, weeds, and people, is that there's no candy. This tends to loom large on this holiday. Why, you ask, isn't there any candy? Good question.

THE CAR HAS A FLAT.

Of course it does. We've had it for years and only $10k in body damage, but never a flat. 

We even have a donut (or something... it's covered by Stuff and I refuse to deal with it when I'm working) so somebody called the service with a lot of A's in it. This is not always a good idea. We knew this wasn't going to be a delightful experience when they wanted to tow the car to the AAA garage 30 minutes away. Not to make waves or anything, but why not the one around the corner, where they towed it last time?  "Oh, we don't have a listing for that." Imagine that... well I don't have a listing for patience.

 A few hours later, Junior left us a message. This is a futile endeavor. SOMEBODY (the dog?) left a house phone out back. While the grass might have stopped growing, the weather continued.  Surprisingly, the phone worked when brought inside, covered with a towel, fed it coffee, and sung to it. It only had a problem when we went to actually dial. SO, soon we'll have our 4th wireless phone in 1 year.  Where was the 2nd handset? Nobody knows, but it definitely wasn't near the one out back, that's for sure.  Where is Mrs. lefty's cell phone? Over there. It won't charge. Ok, use my phone.... just don't tell anybody to call back because it refuses any number not in the address book. Naturally Junior called back on my phone. So I called him, waited the standard 45 minutes for his workmates to find him, and got.... hold on... surprise! I got his voicemail. 6 hours later I called again, pretending I didn't know his name and asking for status (this way always works). The flat, with free towing, was going to cost about $700.

I know for a fact that the car found out the guitar show is this weekend. There's no other explanation for it developing problems. My house, car, and family are all in it together, to deprive me of more guitars and guitar-related equipment. I want to be fair - when you replace a tire, you should replace the other one too, get it aligned, then fly in a bishop to bless it and sign off on the work. I don't trust AAA mechanics - and sure enough, there were additional charges, like warranties, nose-picking charge, FAA charges, and something about safe disposal of dietetic candy charges. After this bout of sticker shock, we thought we were done. You're fsking kidding me, right? It needed brakes and a left handed smokeshifter, along with a left handed catcher's mitt.  I'll let you guess which of these items doesn't exist.

And after the regulation 27 hour period to complete any job at all, including filling a tire with air, off Wife goes to visit sick parents in hospital. And I'm stranded, without candy, and filled with remorse that I'm depriving the little children out of the Holiday Experience<tm>. Maybe next year, they won't bus the kids in.