Sometimes You're Just a Fish on a Telephone Pole

Twas the day of Christmas, and all through the house
Only one of us was stirring, with no computer mouse.

One of the many wonderful things about living together is the traditions you develop. Over the many years, we've developed many traditions. So there are a lot of traditions but no standards.

I just got done 'putting up' the tree.
It's a good 7' tall.
How did I get it in the house, you ask?
I dragged it, in pieces, from my lovely neighbor, who had a few too many. I don't know if she has a religious issue and likes to keep a lot of them, just in case, or she has a mental issue and likes to keep a lot of them. just in case. This one came in a box, which is a great way to transport your tree home.

I put it together, excited because the lights were already there and wired. My main experience was one of dust. In the basement, from where I carried it. Somebody didn't close the box and it got kinda dusty.

When I say it stood 7' tall, I mean when properly assembled and without the top section leaning over at a 30 degree angle.  At least it had lights. Well, it would have lights, as soon as I could find an outlet. I knew there were lights plugged in last time, so there had to be an outlet.. I just couldn't find it. I can't find an elephant in an empty parking lot. I located one outlet, but the active sparking  dissuaded me.

When I say it had lights, I mean it had lights on the top half. The ones on the bottom half didn't work. I looked around for loose wiring, fearing one bad bulb, which took the entire bottom string out. I found one plug sitting there, but nothing to plug into it. It's 2019, I thought.. plug 2 females together! Better not. I found the male half, plugged it in, and was graced by absolutely nothing. No lights. It's probably mad at me for hate in not letting 2 female plugs go together.

So we have a fake tree, with lights on the top half, no colored lights, no blinkies, and the top bit is leaning left at a 30 degree angle. It's like a Charlie Brown Christmas, but with a larger tree. And fuck it - it's ours!

Unfortunately it's blocking 1 of the 2 windows that let light into the house. There are no others. The house was built in a quantum field, across several multiverses, so when it's rotated 90 degrees, then 180 degrees, sun never shines through the windows. They could have saved thousands by not putting windows in.

There are huge, decoration-like thingies in the window, which were not there on the Eve. Some are red/green, some are blue/white. Blue is generally for Hanukkah, which, I believe, is not celebrated in the house. But very little surprises me.

So there's a very strange and malformed tree on Christmas day, blocking the window; plus decorations hung late Christmas Eve, while I was entertaining in bed without an audience, via my Mattress Dancing, laughing, and random screaming.

You have no idea how happy I am. This is a 102% improvement over last year, when the tree continued its failure to come out of the box and the ornaments weren't even a thought (except buying new ones to replace the long-smashed ones). The year before was the year the kit tree arrived, so we didn't remove it from its box out of respect. The decorations were thought about, but remained true to the tree and never left their boxes (including the new ones, which were piled near where the tree usually goes, where no one would find them).

There would be presents, but I don't think anybody got around to buying them. The presents are for the (internal) kids, who love Christmas, the Leaning Tree of Pennsylvania, and decorations that materialize overnight. Maybe Santa brought them. Maybe Satan - who knows. I know there must be presents, as there are a ton of unopened brown shipping boxes all over the place (Fedex has a truck parked out front from November til Christmas). Since I do the wrapping, maybe most of the gifts are in the basement from the last few years. Unfortunately we sent someone down there last year to search for the past few years' gifts and never actually heard back from him... I'm feeling a little sick... perhaps I need a break.

The great thing about dissociation is what we call Christmas all year around. You can literally wrap the same presents over and over, and they're new each time!

I specifically ask that no one get me anything. Although it sounds a bit Bah Humbug-y, it's better this way. I'm a little off the beaten path (really?), so people don't know what to get me. This results in the most bizarre gifts... cologne. Sports Stuff. Wrong size t-shirts (from my mom). Things made from apples (I'm allergic). A set of postcards picturing outhouses (ok, that was cool). Beer (don't drink). Surgical tools (I pass out at the sight of blood). Barbie car seat covers. Underwear (women's... hey). A welding kit (used). Gasoline purity tester (they want me to be safe before I drink). And a ten foot pole, for trying to wake Wife up before the late afternoon. My Christmas stocking came with a garter belt (I stopped asking years ago). The dog got a ton of stuff, including many valuable stuffed animals belonging to the wife.

The children were all snug in their beds, because it was 2:00.
2:00pm.
I'm awake because we're supposed to go to the family party. She's asleep because it's her family. I spend most of my time there hiding from loud children. And loud adults. The nicest present I ever got was my own panic room there, that I can sit in and not be bothered, while still getting credit for showing up. I say hello to most family members first - do you think I'm rude? This is what happens when you put 73 people in a house designed for 5, and put out 4 chairs.

There sure are a lot of dogs there, which means I have someone to talk to, but Penny, and before her, Marshall, couldn't go because they don't like dogs.  Just a chip off the old block... I don't like some of their owners. Besides... when I don't hide, after a while, Wife signals that I'm doing that thing she doesn't like... what was it... oh yeah - talking.  It's becoming more tolerable, though. The adults talk and everyone under 30 stares at their cell phones. Some of them are texting each other. These will be the first people to get the Brain Chip.

My family is doing something too. I'll be damned if I know what it is. They stopped inviting me after the sheep incident (don't ask). I only get invited when I'm standing there and someone else says the party will be a lot of fun. They turn to me and say, "Oh. We're having a party. Last minute. Open house. You can come. Leave the dog at home - you have no idea what she does to the deer."

I'm expecting a new guitar.
I won't get one, but I'm expecting it.

In his mercy, my boss gave me time off. I got half of Christmas day this year!
What have I done with it?
Brought up the xmas tree, mowing down everything in its path. Waited for everyone to get up. And typed this shit.
If this ain't an existential crisis in the making, I don't know what is.

In answer to my Existential Agita, it came to me yesterday... my place in all this.
I work to make sure everyone else gets presents.
Like some sort of warped Santa Claus.
One that's not particularly jolly.


UPDATE:
Mrs lefty has a headache so bad, Mussolini named a child after it.
Ain't goin' nowhere.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:
In violation of my strict No Gift Policy<tm>, a very nice child got me a set of wireless ear podlike thingies. The thing that concerns me is that they came out as Apple products, so my android phone may reject them.





Credit where it's due: last summer Mother Nature did a tremendous job on sunshine - we had lots of it. Now that we're back in Cold Season, we're back to 6 days of rain per week. People are jumping off buildings.

For some strange reason, it's sunny out today.  Then cloudy. Then sunny again. I walked to the window only to discover it was sunny, but it was also snowing. I hate it here.  I have no problem with Arizona's 100+ degrees with little humidity and no clouds.




The army put together a group to study Remote Viewing, as documented in the movie "Men Who Stare at Goats." In short, remote viewing allows a person to 'see' something that's somewhere else, from their chair. I hear you can also view things from times other than current.  The only problem is that you are not viewing things like a picture; you're getting impressions of features. Richard Dolan, ufo researcher and author, interviews Tracey Dolan (his wife) on remote viewing (she's a viewer). This is not a conspiracy theory - it's documented fact, and most people have the ability to do it, with a little training.

• Why are there now emojis on email subject lines? This must be stopped.

Dear lefty:

• I heard you are lactose intolerant.
• I am generally intolerant; this includes lactose.

The FBI has gone far out of character lately, first warning people over the evils of smart tv privacy leakage, and now the risks behind using free wifi while traveling. The FBI is perfectly correct on both issues, which should also take you aback. But we need to know why, all of the sudden, this is being let loose. I think that they're jealous of the other organizations who steal your data. They have an intrinsic belief that all of your data is theirs and others getting it first disturbs them to their core. Old J. Edgar is spinning in his grave (in a nice, taffeta ball gown).

• Finland offered its citizens a free crash course in AI to educate them. They're translating it and will put it online for everyone else shortly.
• A government educating its people. 
• WAR ON FINLAND! We cannot have this sort of thing happening in the world.
• Somewhere in America's northeast, Bernie got his first hardon in 25 years and has no idea why.

If you need a quick laugh, and who doesn't, read this little ditty on Faceyspaces, lawmakers, location tracking, and 'certain security functions.' The sheer creativity, legalese, and attempts to appear innocently stupid are breathtaking.

Today I identify as  a black female Jewish lesbian for Christ, atheist division

"Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts." - Frank Zappa

Sitting around, shoveling popcorn into my mouth, I was shocked to discover popcorn on the floor. I missed my mouth. I didn't think that was physically possible.

• Wondering about Gatwick Airport's drone issue? Listen to the police commander's version.

It's my unfortunate end-of-year responsibility to bring you the worst passwords list. Hint: 123456 is still #1.  Are you guilty? How much shaming will it take to get you to use a more secure password? It takes nothing extra but provides more security.

• Remember the PinePhone - the $150 phone that will run open source operating systems and not steal your data? The very early review is in.
• Reminder: this is incredibly early in the process. Only suitable for developers at present. Actually using it as a phone/text isn't ready for prime time. When it is, the phone will be formidable. I'll have at least one. Goodbye, Goog!

Heroes of the Stupid

Rise of Skywalker falls short of predecessors. Ranks as the lowest opening of the most recent three films in the saga.  Gee, ya think 9457 sequels has run its course? It's Schadenfreude Day, folks!



SJW Sickness

A researcher who lost her job at a think tank after tweeting that transgender women cannot change their biological sex has lost a test case because her opinions were deemed to be “absolutist”.  The judge said her social media posts/opinion were 'not worthy of respect in democratic society'.

This is a perfect example of the slippery slope of speech in England. This lady's views, posted on social media - not at her job, offended people, therefore they are not worthy of respect and not rehiring her was just fine and legal. Her views had less than zero merit. You don't have to agree or disagree with her to have concern over where this is going.


ACLU calls for tampons in men's rooms in order to achieve 'menstrual equality'
The date on the article was not April 1 and Fox isn't known for this sort of gag.

On the other hand, Menstrual Equality is a bitchin' name for a band.

Enough Hard Drives to Wash an Elephant

Dear lefty


Think locally, act globally.
Think globally, act locally?
Don't think, don't act.
Don't think - it makes your head hurt.

I was surprised to discover that my state reps have actually done something (besides trying to grab guns). Let me share...

• Victims of Communism Memorial Day
• International Year of the Periodic Table of Chemical Elements
• A Resolution recognizing dwarfism with the hope of raising positive awareness about dwarfism and promoting the welfare of people having dwarfism
• the 550th anniversary of the birth of Guru Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, as "World Equality Day"
• Life Insurance Awareness Month

There are a number of requests under consideration. Let me see....

• Veterans of Foreign Rudeness Day
• International Year of the Light Bulb and Light Bulb Manufacturers and Light Bulb Vendors
• Used Car Salesman Day
• Sphincter Dysfunction Week
• Sphincter Education Week
• Multiple Terabyte Hard Drives for Porn Month
• Comcast and Verizon Customer Service Appreciation Minute

So never let it be said that state reps never do anything.


Today I identify as a table lamp


Speaking of You Can't Get There from Here, I got a voicemail. Without the phone ringing. This pisses me off (most things piss me off). I went to get the voicemail and my phone said it couldn't connect to wireless. Ok, then connect to the regular old slow phone network. Oops, no service.

Since it was probably the wife, I texted (this works) to tell her to call on the house phone. Oops... then I texted to tell her NOT to call on the wireless house phone because I can't find it.  Due to other problems no one can fix, it takes up to 3 hours to receive her texts, so I text  don't bother texting because I won't get it for 3 hours. Subtext: I hate you and you lose phones. 

I went to my provider's page for their support number. They have cleverly hidden it, somewhere other than on their support page. Thinking they might just hate linux users, I tried other browsers and operating systems. No, this is the phone company, they hate everybody. They'd be happy to talk to me on Faceyspaces (fortunately you can't break a web page or I would've). Chat looked good. It asked me what was wrong in as few words as possible: no service. So it sent me to my personal phone plan, which was about as helpful as a throwing rock to an armless man. So it told me to hang on and it would send me a text to talk or text to someone else. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT, you slinger of silicon stupidity. Not that it mattered, because I didn't get the text. Finally it got tired of listening to me and gave up the secret 800 number that anybody can call for service.

Using my Secret Emergency Phone<tm>, I called them.
Here's the strangest part of the entire debacle: she was nice, patient, knowledgeable, and spoke English as her primary language. You could've knocked me over with a hangnail.

We tested. We tweaked. We turned it off and back on again. We blew out my personalization (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). Still couldn't get out no way, no how.

Wife called in the middle of this, out of spite, because she knew I was fascinated with talking to a woman who didn't say "STFU, you pretentious bastard and spawn of Satan!" I'm sure there was something really important there, but I spent my ten minutes trying to get back to my call, so I missed her saying what the temperature was in the car. 

Back on the support call, she researched, wrote a few chapters of her autobiography, and we picked on California, in harmony.

What's the outcome?  'They' are going to check the signal around to see if there are any issues. When will I know? Well, if the phone magically starts working, or two more business days, at most. Who doesn't take 2 days breaks from using their phones?  Good thing I have no life and only 5 people have my number. I'd give them my Secret Emergency number, but I have no idea what it is. 

The tech's last piece of advice was that if I see some dudes in an Official Looking Vehicle, walking around with some sort of meters, singing to each other after a 12 beer lunch, do NOT interrupt or flash them.  After the conversation, they texted me to ask about the support: I gave her a 10. Nothing got fixed, but at least she saved her coworkers from being flashed.


That Night: I put my phone on the shelf and got all comfy in bed. Visions of chocolate danced in my head. Only they didn't dance, so much as BANG. Turns out the BANG was my phone, leaping off the shelf. $*@&%!! and I picked it up. It had the most lovely crack across the screen. Not again.

I call the provider, yet again, and wait 37 minutes for someone to answer, because "wait times are higher than normal." What does that mean? It means that 2 people didn't show up for work, so there are only 2 left to service everyone in the country.

I ask what to do, she puts me right through to the insurance company. Their wait times are under 23 minutes, and a nice person went through the process. Get this - they'll overnight me a new phone, as soon as I send them my $150 deductible. WHAT?  I should've known.. insurance, in any form, sucks eggs. While there is no Satan, the inspiration came from insurance companies.

Curious, I call the provider again. This time the wait is going on forever. After an only 21 minute hold, they answer, then promptly drop my call. This is because one of the 2 had to go to the bathroom. Try again. This time I got right through, and when I say got right through, I mean after 31 minutes. I ask about an upgrade. No problem.... it'll be 3x the deductible. BUT WAIT!!!! If I buy now, they'll send me a free cardboard box!

Screw it.
When I get the new phone going, I'll have to find a way to keep it from leaping off the shelf. No more suicidal phones.


NEXT NEXT DAY: I paid the extortion deductible and expect the phone tomorrow. It took about 45 minutes because the link they sent me goes to a site that doesn't exist. This is another insurance trick... if you can't get in touch, they don't have to pay!  I tried getting in through the regular insurance.com address and it didn't like my login. Using the same login, it worked on the 2nd try.

LATER THE NEXT NEXT DAY: my provider did a survey of my reception area and sent me the results. You know you're in trouble when the link is to a VIDEO. To my surprise, the video said they found the signal substandard(!) and gave 3 suggestions: 

1. enable wifi calling:  This was enabled the day I got the phone. It's called 'connecting to my wireless' and it happens whenever I'm in the house.
2. turn on hifi voice to make the shitty quality sound better: this was also enabled the first day I got the phone.
3. Your provider makes these available for free!  No, it's my wireless that does this, you rhinoceros porn producers.
4. There is a wifi extender we can SELL you. Hang on a second... you admittedly have a signal issue in my hood and you want to sell me a fix?

I swear to you, dear readers, that they will fix the signal or give me the booster. We're not going to play this game. We will also find out what the rules are, governing phone service, and hold the provider to them. There are also very large and tax-intensive bodies that oversee phone providers. We might have to chat.

• Want to fly a drone in England? Not so fast - you need to register it with the government first. Really.

No thank you, I'd rather try to get a few words out of Marilyn Monroe about the Kennedys


Shock and surprise: the NY state party chairman wants to quintuple the number of votes that a political party needs to secure a ballot line.

Translated: the libertarians are gaining ground - we need a legal way to keep them off the ballot.




So you live in Denver and you're minding your own business when some stranger with guns breaks in and holds a Police Party. The police do not want to party, so they blow up the walls with explosives, fire tear gas, and drive a military-style armored vehicle through your doors. After a brief, 19 hour dance, the guy with the guns surrenders.

Your house lacks many walls between you and the outside. Windows too.
So you do what any American citizen would do - you sue the police. If you don't sue someone before you're 50, your citizenship becomes iffy. The perp, meanwhile, is wanted for shoplifting.

The city condemns what's left of your house and it turns into an empty lot. Rebuilding costs $400,000, plus $28,000 in legal fees.

The federal judge attempts to keep a straight face as he tells you that you're not getting SHIT. You're not entitled to compensation because the police were acting to preserve the safety of the public. And when I say police, I mean over 100 of them who responded.

The city feels bad and compensates you $5,000.
The case is going to the Supreme Court.




For some reason I found myself in a virtual work conference on etiquette. Before you say anything, I was there voluntarily, and it was not a condition of probation.  At the last place there was a sexual harassment conference. My friends asked if I was teaching it as a 'how-to'.

It was obviously an advanced course because it covered things like not chewing while you're on the phone or in a conference, how to answer the phone when spammers call, and a large list of stuff not to do when you work from home (this was the best part).

Be cheerful. Smile when you're talking - the caller can hear it.
And if the caller took enough LSD, they can see the phone melting.

Train your spouse not to bother you while you're working.
Have you ever tried to train a spouse? It would be easier to train a train.

Invest in a good headset. 
Because we'll let you work from home but we won't pay for a headset.

Say, "Hello, Walter's Widgets, this is Wanda Walters speaking...."
What if I don't work at Walter's Widgets?

I suspect that this entire conference was designed to discourage everyone from working at home.

Then they asked about things that really annoy us.
The text chat went insane, scrolling by so fast I couldn't read it. There were 2 main complaints: replying to ALL, and replying to replying to ALL. This did not stop 27 people from typing it again, because they're showing us how smart they are and how they are original thinkers. 

I helped. No, really. How could I let a chance like this go by?
What really annoys me? Windows 10.
No, wait, that was last time. But I like to bring it up at any related gathering.
I said never ask 2 questions in an email. You'll only get the first one answered. The moderator personally applauded it. I must know her boss.



Heroes of the Stupid 

Unemployed heroin addict drags NYPD cop with his car and gets $11 million.
Technically he was pulled over for blowing a stop sign and the cop went to get his keys, then the addict took off, dragging the cop. His partner, fearing for his partner's life, shot the addict, partially paralyzing him. 

The addict had his charge acquitted. The shot was ruled "not within department guidelines."  Adding insult to injury, the attorney requested 6-9 million for lost earnings. The addict was unemployed.  I would not want to be a cop in NYC. They're being neutered by government.





SJW Silliness 


'Sexual' use of eggplant and peach emojis has been banned on Faceyspaces and Instagram.    What's worse - pervasive emojis or Faceyspaces banning them?


"Sexy nurse' costumes demean one of the most in-demand professions in American life -- and they're a bestseller on Amazon right now.
-businessinsider.com


Burger King faces a lawsuit, this time from a vegan. He ordered one of their vegan burgers, without mayo, of course, then had an absolute fit because it was cooked on the same grill the real burgers were. So he's suing, as is his responsibility as an American. BK has a note on this burger, telling people it is cooked on the same grill, but if people don't like that, they can ask to have it baked.  I don't know what he's upset about - there's no meat in either burger.      Proud to be an American.

Hippos Wearing Tutus

The IRS has warned tax professionals to create data security plans.
This would have been a great thing for the cities that got hit with ransomware. Or just having good backups.

Which brings me to the same topic: You need a data security plan.

Let's simplify it a bit.. you at least need backups. Even if your phone stores your data In The Cloud, it's not enough - for the phone or anything else. There are many huge backup services In The Cloud that can back up your data automatically. I'm talking about your home computer/laptop(s), and phones. You want to have at least two backups, with at least one off premises. 

Create a scenario where there's a serious spike or brownout in your electricity, wreaking havoc on your home computer (s).  Even if your computers get blown up, you can buy new ones and reload your data from backups. If your data is In The Cloud, you can restore from there, but the data has been known to 'get lost', so your 2nd backup, perhaps burned to a CD at home, will restore.

If, heaven forbid, something happens to your house, a copy of your data In The Cloud or at a relative's house, or in a safety deposit box, will save your bacon. You can never be too careful with your data. You will instantly regret not doing this the first time your device dies.


Discovered on Reddit: malicious links leading to android ransomware. It's limited at this point, but could go wider. 

There is a new attack on driverless cars: a drone projects a stop sign or obstacle, so quickly you can't see it, but the car can. Because drones follow you.

Technically, Windows is an operating system, which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warming whatsoever, stop operating.  - Dave Barry

Dear lefty:

• I need more sex from my girlfriend of 2 months. Whenever I bring it up, she gets angry and we get nowhere. She used to be into it when we first met, but everything has gone to hell. I really love her and wonder what to do. What should I put on chocolate cake?
• Vanilla buttercream icing. To be authentic, just eat the icing. Cake is merely a delivery system for icing.

Hairy the Ginger Prince and Princess Megan announced they're only having two children, to help the planet.  Harry, Megan, do not fret. You're not that ugly or objectionable, so you won't be hurting the planet moreso.  Although influencing others not to breed might be worth it. On the other hand, if you're that worried about the planet, don't have any kids (you selfish royal, virtue-signalling bastards).

Meanwhile, Megan is reportedly looking at in-vitro fertilization.



I don't do sports, so the closest I get is the news:

• The ability to overlay ads on the field is appalling.
• How come female golfers don't look nearly as clownishly dressed as men?
• In the most recent election, the UK's Silly Party got 1% of the vote. This is usually an ugly sport, but it's so different from the US, where both parties are Silly.

Woodstock 50 will not happen. The celebration cash grab has had much trouble getting organized, with a financial backer pulling out early. With acts like Miley Cyrus and Jay Z, Jimi and Bill Graham were revolving in their graves.

• Watching the last few public appearances since the election, Boris "Cindy" Johnson's hair seems to have calmed down a bit. Rumor has it the Royal Lawnmower has gone tits up.

For some reason, known only to the Universe and Frank Zappa, I managed to get tickets to see ZZ Top. This was thwarted last time after trying 9 browsers and 3 operating systems. Customer service said to call the venue. The venue's hours make banks jealous. Using stripped down Chromium, I mostly succeeded. Except they told me the password was wrong. While resetting it, they told me I couldn't use an old password. Well if I couldn't use it, then it was correct in the first place, right? While waiting for the password reset, all the work I had done selecting the tickets was wiped out. When I got back in, those tickets were gone. I hate these companies with every fiber of my being. I hate the process. If every other site can be accessed by most browsers, why not Ticketmaster/Live Nation?

This is where it gets even more funner: there is a $17.50 'service fee', and a $5.00 'order processing fee' per ticket. Why do they do this? Because they can.

But wait - how would I like the tickets? Well, electronically on my phone would be fine. And halleleujah, free! Oh, too bad. They're not going to send me the actual emailed PDF files - it has to be viewed in their app. If they think I'm going to install their spyware on my phone, I suggest they hold their breath and wait for me. There are a number of other ridiculously-priced options. I finally had them mail the tickets to me, for $5.00. These people occupy the lowest rung of hell, just next to politicians and child molesters (redundant, I know).  By the time I'm done, there is the ticket price plus $20 per ticket in ridiculous fees.


Just for fun, I went to my state's drivers license site and found out one can renew a license online! Of course it took 3 browsers to find out one can't, because there's a certain time to do this and we're naturally outside of it. The 'solution' is to fill out a PDF. When the PDF comes up, one can check boxes, but not fill in text. This is about right for the state. So I have to download them, print them, fill them out, have them notarized, then mail them off. No problem, right?

Problem.

My $&#ing printer gave up the ghost a bit ago. My new printer. I don't have the time or desire to open it up and fix it, so I had to order a new one.  A certain huge electronics chain that I won't mention, but rhymes with Shmest Guy, has printers. Oops, the only ones in stock are the wrong kind, plus one that's twice what I want to spend. The site promises it can have the printer sent to the local store within a week, more or less (more). But they might consider shipping it to me, within a few days (depending on the weather and whether Mercury is in retrograde). So I have to get the printer, print forms, notarize, and send to the state. Then play America's Got No Talent til they get around to sending stuff back to me.

This is why I don't order online. Or leave the house. Or deal with the govt. Or consume diet anything.


UPDATE
After the successful ticket order, I made a successful printer order. They got it to me next day, I plugged it in and it worked perfectly. No drivers, nothing. We should play the lottery.  Notice that Best Buy's website allows me to order without Major Grief (he lives in my house). Not so much Ticketmaster/Live Nation.

• Bette Midler has declared herself a write-in candidate for president in 2020. Sorry, Bette, but your behavior mirrors the person you've been complaining about. We don't need more of that in the White House. Oh yeah, do you have a platform? Going to close the border to illegal aliens? Hollywood loves that. Uphold the Second Amendment? Change the national anthem to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy?

SJW Stuff

In England, a woman was arrested after video surfaced of her shouting "Shame on you" at a Pride Parade. England is going down the toilet, starting with the Public Order Act, which means police can jail you for doing anything they don't like at the moment. Cursing will get you a ride, as will racial epithets.


CNN
Have you ever noticed the popularity of white robots? The reason for these shades of technological white may be racism, according to new research


The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, the House Democrats’ powerful campaign arm, has just abruptly purged half a dozen staffers. Why? Because they are white.   That's racist.

Apple Follies

Why I Hate Apple: Work decided the iDevice they provided needed an operating system 'upgrade' and let me know. Following the destructions, I told the phone to upgrade. It refused to, demanding wifi access. Work does not provide wifi access. Now I will have to open Fort Knox (my home network) so the infernal device will update. I hope it doesn't wreck my wireless system or my entire network.

Why I Hate Microsoft: Due to an incredibly complex, yet indescribably silly system, my computer at work tends to receive 'updates' on weird schedules, if at all. When the system has to reboot, it becomes completely unavailable to me if I need to work from any other desk or system. The updates usually come with no notice and reboot the computer in the middle of the day, usually when I'm using it. This particular imperative update appeared not so much an update as a Hose The System patch. When I logged in, it just kinda stared at me, daring me to launch the device into low earth orbit (LEO). Rebooting, it continued to sit there, mocking me, at which point I put my head in my hands and prayed for a system that would allow me the exceedingly complex task of allowing me to work. In my office environment, working is not specifically encouraged (or discouraged) and when a system goes down, it's time to Get Social, very loudly, with a neighbor (or four). Being Old School, I want to work.

Ten minutes later, the system appeared to be doing something, and by doing something, I mean the hard drive light was flashing, in either a non-mocking fashion or a very sophisticated mocking that completely went over my head. Another five minutes later, I was in. Mind you, I still couldn't work because some of the network systems wouldn't connect, so perhaps this counted as half a victory.

Why I Hate My Job: I don't really hate my job - I just hate that I have so much trouble doing my job, due to software, configuration, and hardware screwups. Rather than test updates, I suspect they wander around to any old employee and ask if they think we should distribute an upgrade. Any Old Employee, being a total moron, hears the word Update and vigorously shakes their head in the affirmative.  If the question was "Should we distribute an update that will hose every computer in the corporation?" all the employee would hear is Update and approve it heartily. Being the curious sort, I asked a coworker if she was having any new issues (as opposed to unaddressed old issues) after the update. She said no trouble, other than taking twice as long to log in. Well, that sounds like trouble to me, but my coworker might be the person asked if the entire corporation should Update. Being a troubleshooting sort, I asked who I should contact to report this and she stopped completely, pondering this metaphysical dilemma, and said she couldn't think of a person who could help or who would be receptive to this information. My coworker has been employed for twenty years. This does not mean she's a complete idiot - it means that in twenty years, she has not found a single helpful systems person who could help.

And now, just for fun, the Helpdesk software isn't answering my call for help.
For some slightly more fun, I can't get into a scheduled meeting today.
I have a new goal for the day: to get through it while remaining in my seat, without explosions.


This has been a weird morning.

• There's a very serious Android issue/hack happening. It actually goes back to an old linux issue (Android is built on linux). The issue has been patched on linux but android, because there are so many phone vendors with their own crap loaded on top of android that it won't be fixed anytime soon (if at all). The hack could already be incorporated into android programs. The best advice, which actually is best practice, is to only get your software from Official Sources and download only well-known programs from well-known companies. Crap can come from offshore or small authors and often hides in games and popular categories of programs. You have been warned.

The AT&T Time Warner merger is drawing scrutiny for all sorts of things, no less whether they can preserve CNN's journalistic integrity. I suspect that's something like the legacy of Hillary's veracity.

• The Pentagon is investigating artificial intelligence, with weapons that can identify targets and make (kill or not kill) decisions. My only question is will it be more accurate on city streets than police. Or will it be programmed to shoot black people automatically. [NOTE: satire]

Some health plan costs will increase by an average of 25%, Aren't we already paying an obscene amount for coverage? 25% more? Obama and everyone who voted for this should be jailed NOW. But before we throw away the key, the Rs and Ds need to FIX IT NOW. Not promise after the election.

I'm about to undergo a benefits interruption. This means I'll be without insurance (that I have to pay out of pocket due to $5k deductible) or pay another $500 per month for Obamacare until the situation changes (soon). I'm sick over this. We're at the point that my insurance is waaaay more than my wife's insurance, and she's the chronically ill one.

• As if it weren't enough that the druggies are dispatching themselves with Oxycontin and other opioids, word comes in that people are abusing (DRINKING!) hand sanitizer because of its high levels of alcohol. We need sensible hand sanitizer laws. Only criminals have hand sanitizer. Why do you need more than one squirt of sanitizer anyway? Large dispensers must be forbidden.

A British Air flight was diverted after members of the crew became ill. No word on what kind of ill or if there was contraband hand sanitizer involved.

• the Philippine president told the US to forget about the defense deal if he stays in longer.  Good, I say - give him what he wants. It's all part of my evil plan to stop 'exporting democracy'. Let's put our money where our mouth is... Support our troops: bring them home.

Despite the recall and very real possibility of explosion or fire, some Samsung Note 7 users do not want to give up their phones. Pyromaniacs? Masochists? Suicidal? New drug testing? Unbelievably kinky?

• Today is National Pumpkin Day - tomorrow is National Poor Excuse For A Day Day

---> Be helpful to someone today: after they trip, say "be careful" <---

Why Are There Lemon Bars?

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


In a recent survey, 88% of adults said that they have sexted with someone -- 82% in the last year. So prove the psychologists right and get busy with those phones. Sext someone today. Your SO, your mistress, your relatives, random strangers...

• A Microsoft study finds technology hurting attention spans. Walrus!

Here's a Sad and Funny: Imagine if everything were priced like cable service.

• The Army wants you to watch more tv! No, really... the freedom of our nation depends on it. Read about how the crap that passes for entertainment fits in with the Army's plan... specifically mentioned was Americans Idle.... I told you so.

On the one year anniversary of the Ferguson riots, fifty people looted a beauty store, after an otherwise peaceful day. The residents are apparently upset because the police are infringing on their right to riot.

• Who woulda seen this one coming? London's gay establishments are closing due to tolerance. It's almost no fun being gay anymore.

China has been reading the emails of many top US officials. Not their secure government emails... their Gmail and other provider emails. Why are government officials using Gmail? Why did Hillary have her own server for official government businesss?

• Bob Guccione Jr has declared that today's music is no good. Stars are more interested in their social media strategy than their music.  Are you serious Bob?  Did you just come to this momentous conclusion?

Ready for the Internet of Things (IOT)? Already there's a drone that can map and hack it. Watch out what you're plugging in at your home.

• Greece has reached a deal for third bailout. What could possibly go wrong?

Hillary Clinton says all work-related emails from her private server were provided. She went on to emphasize that Bill did not have sex with that woman.

• The EPA has apologized for saying that it was cleaning up abandoned mines in Colorado. What they meant to say was that it dumped a million gallons of toxic chemicals in to the Animas River in Colorado, causing the water to turn a bright yellow.. In other news, the EPA has apologized for saying that a million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. What they meant to say was three million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. Fox reporter Megyn Kelly has blamed the spill on Donald Trump. UPDATE: the EPA says it was 'very careful' (when spilling three million gallons of toxic chemicals into the Animas River in Colorado).

In North Carolina, a man in a clown costume swung an axe at a woman. The woman was not hurt, recognized the man and swore out an arrest warrant. What has this country come to when a man can't dress as a clown and swing an axe at a woman? Isn't this why Ben Franklin fought the Germans? 

• President Obama issued an executive order calling for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. The president also called for repeal of gravity and quantum adult novelties.

In a banner day for politics, California Governor Jerry Brown (ex-Linda Ronstadt) signed a law banning the word alien from the state's labor laws. Also banned were the words elephant, dingleberries and sanity.

• Astronauts declare the first space-grown salad awesome. California Governor Jerry Brown immediately signed a law banning space lettuce from the state, saying it disenfranchised undocumented lettuce-pickers.

Three people were hurt when pranksters entered a theater in Newport Beach, brandishing a leaf blower. A common thread in these attacks is theaters. California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a law banning theaters from the state. The governor refused to comment on leaf blower legislation at this point.

• Meghan Trainor (All About that Bass) has cancelled the rest of her tour due to 'ongoing problems with her vocal cords'. In other words, even Meghan realized there is nothing there.

Why yes, there is a machine that turns poo into water. Watch our presidential race flow (further) down the drain!

• Think you live in a funny place? Try Licking, Ohio.

Padi the labrador's fate is in the hands of a judge. He is accused of biting a 4 year old child. The child chased the dog and threw things at him. The only fair solution is to put the child down.

• Marijuana farms have been engulfed by the fires in California, releasing smoke in the area (causing a marked increase in the number of flights over the farms).

A woman used her Fitbit (heartbeat measuring device) during sex and posted the results online. The Fitbit “started after foreplay, so the preceding 20 minutes are untracked,” (she bragged).

DR WHO?

I'm going to take a left hand turn, being a left-handed kinda guy. Most of the musical treats here will be guitar players. Today is a rare piano player, although he does technically play guitar (rarely). I give you Mac Rebbenack, aka Dr. John. Dr. John has been around forever and is a fixture everywhere, no less in his Louisiana neighborhood. I saw him open for Little Feat, which was my pleasure.

One of my favorite Dr. John tunes is Iko Iko. This song tells the story of the collision of two tribes of Mardi Gras Indians. The words are flat out impossible to understand or write out, without visual aids and copious amounts of New Orleans Hurricanes (the drink that's just to the right of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster). 

Iko. Iko. Iko Iko unday. 

Jockamo feeno ah na nay

Jockamo fee nah nay.

I strongly suspect it means I've fallen and I can't get up.  Another translation is Respected gentleman, your mother is a garbage truck.

The next tune came up on my player's rotation. In a Sentimental Mood caught me completely by surprise. Completely free of guitars, I was not prepared to like this song so much but it leaped out and hit me over the head, gently.  Lastly, you know this song. If you don't, you're either ten years old (and shouldn't be reading this blog) or you missed it while you were at the Miley Cyrus concert. I used to sing this song with my not-so-talented cover band. Listen to the tasty guitar solo... (I had to get one in there).

More Governmental Turds

Sandusky Attorney: This is a fight to the death.

Works for me.


In the Unlikely Bedfellows category, who else but Penn State wound up on the top of the Catholic Church's xmas card list?  An anonymous official stated that the church wanted to thank Penn State for taking some of the heat off them this holdiday season.


[Iran] 'The Americans have perhaps decided to give us this spy plane'...

US LOSES ANOTHER DRONE, THIS TIME IN SEYCHELLES...


President Giveaway strikes again.  They're probably running Windows.




Obama to slash National Guard force on border...


Yess, LESS border protection and more anal probes, guys!




FBI denies request for info on smartphone spyware...


Because they're using it on US.




Congress considers bill to censor Internet...


Internet considers action to censor Congress...