Dear lefty
Think locally, act globally.
Think globally, act locally?
Don't think, don't act.
Don't think - it makes your head hurt.
I was surprised to discover that my state reps have actually done something (besides trying to grab guns). Let me share...
- Victims of Communism Memorial Day
- International Year of the Periodic Table of Chemical Elements
- A Resolution recognizing dwarfism with the hope of raising positive awareness about dwarfism and promoting the welfare of people having dwarfism
- the 550th anniversary of the birth of Guru Nanak, the founder of Sikhism, as "World Equality Day"
- Life Insurance Awareness Month
There are a number of requests under consideration. Let me see....
- Veterans of Foreign Rudeness Day
- International Year of the Light Bulb and Light Bulb Manufacturers and Light Bulb Vendors
- Used Car Salesman Day
- Sphincter Dysfunction Week
- Sphincter Education Week
- Multiple Terabyte Hard Drives for Porn Month
- Comcast and Verizon Customer Service Appreciation Minute
So never let it be said that state reps never do anything.
Today I identify as a table lamp
Speaking of You Can't Get There from Here, I got a voicemail. Without the phone ringing. This pisses me off (most things piss me off). I went to get the voicemail and my phone said it couldn't connect to wireless. Ok, then connect to the regular old slow phone network. Oops, no service.
Since it was probably the wife, I texted (this works) to tell her to call on the house phone. Oops... then I texted to tell her NOT to call on the wireless house phone because I can't find it. Due to other problems no one can fix, it takes up to 3 hours to receive her texts, so I text don't bother texting because I won't get it for 3 hours. Subtext: I hate you and you lose phones.
I went to my provider's page for their support number. They have cleverly hidden it, somewhere other than on their support page. Thinking they might just hate linux users, I tried other browsers and operating systems. No, this is the phone company, they hate everybody. They'd be happy to talk to me on Faceyspaces (fortunately you can't break a web page or I would've). Chat looked good. It asked me what was wrong in as few words as possible: no service. So it sent me to my personal phone plan, which was about as helpful as a throwing rock to an armless man. So it told me to hang on and it would send me a text to talk or text to someone else. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT, you slinger of silicon stupidity. Not that it mattered, because I didn't get the text. Finally it got tired of listening to me and gave up the secret 800 number that anybody can call for service.
Using my Secret Emergency Phone<tm>, I called them.
Here's the strangest part of the entire debacle: she was nice, patient, knowledgeable, and spoke English as her primary language. You could've knocked me over with a hangnail.
We tested. We tweaked. We turned it off and back on again. We blew out my personalization (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). Still couldn't get out no way, no how.
Wife called in the middle of this, out of spite, because she knew I was fascinated with talking to a woman who didn't say "STFU, you pretentious bastard and spawn of Satan!" I'm sure there was something really important there, but I spent my ten minutes trying to get back to my call, so I missed her saying what the temperature was in the car.
Back on the support call, she researched, wrote a few chapters of her autobiography, and we picked on California, in harmony.
What's the outcome? 'They' are going to check the signal around to see if there are any issues. When will I know? Well, if the phone magically starts working, or two more business days, at most. Who doesn't take 2 days breaks from using their phones? Good thing I have no life and only 5 people have my number. I'd give them my Secret Emergency number, but I have no idea what it is.
The tech's last piece of advice was that if I see some dudes in an Official Looking Vehicle, walking around with some sort of meters, singing to each other after a 12 beer lunch, do NOT interrupt or flash them. After the conversation, they texted me to ask about the support: I gave her a 10. Nothing got fixed, but at least she saved her coworkers from being flashed.
That Night: I put my phone on the shelf and got all comfy in bed. Visions of chocolate danced in my head. Only they didn't dance, so much as BANG. Turns out the BANG was my phone, leaping off the shelf. $*@&%!! and I picked it up. It had the most lovely crack across the screen. Not again.
I call the provider, yet again, and wait 37 minutes for someone to answer, because "wait times are higher than normal." What does that mean? It means that 2 people didn't show up for work, so there are only 2 left to service everyone in the country.
I ask what to do, she puts me right through to the insurance company. Their wait times are under 23 minutes, and a nice person went through the process. Get this - they'll overnight me a new phone, as soon as I send them my $150 deductible. WHAT? I should've known.. insurance, in any form, sucks eggs. While there is no Satan, the inspiration came from insurance companies.
Curious, I call the provider again. This time the wait is going on forever. After an only 21 minute hold, they answer, then promptly drop my call. This is because one of the 2 had to go to the bathroom. Try again. This time I got right through, and when I say got right through, I mean after 31 minutes. I ask about an upgrade. No problem.... it'll be 3x the deductible. BUT WAIT!!!! If I buy now, they'll send me a free cardboard box!
Screw it.
When I get the new phone going, I'll have to find a way to keep it from leaping off the shelf. No more suicidal phones.
NEXT NEXT DAY: I paid the
LATER THE NEXT NEXT DAY: my provider did a survey of my reception area and sent me the results. You know you're in trouble when the link is to a VIDEO. To my surprise, the video said they found the signal substandard(!) and gave 3 suggestions:
- enable wifi calling: This was enabled the day I got the phone. It's called 'connecting to my wireless' and it happens whenever I'm in the house.
- turn on hifi voice to make the shitty quality sound better: this was also enabled the first day I got the phone.
- Your provider makes these available for free! No, it's my wireless that does this, you rhinoceros porn producers.
- There is a wifi extender we can SELL you. Hang on a second... you admittedly have a signal issue in my hood and you want to sell me a fix?
I swear to you, dear readers, that they will fix the signal or give me the booster. We're not going to play this game. We will also find out what the rules are, governing phone service, and hold the provider to them. There are also very large and tax-intensive bodies that oversee phone providers. We might have to chat.
- Want to fly a drone in England? Not so fast - you need to register it with the government first. Really.
No thank you, I'd rather try to get a few words out of Marilyn Monroe about the Kennedys
Shock and surprise: the NY state party chairman wants to quintuple the number of votes that a political party needs to secure a ballot line.
Translated: the libertarians are gaining ground - we need a legal way to keep them off the ballot.
So you live in Denver and you're minding your own business when some stranger with guns breaks in and holds a Police Party. The police do not want to party, so they blow up the walls with explosives, fire tear gas, and drive a military-style armored vehicle through your doors. After a brief, 19 hour dance, the guy with the guns surrenders.
Your house lacks many walls between you and the outside. Windows too.
So you do what any American citizen would do - you sue the police. If you don't sue someone before you're 50, your citizenship becomes iffy. The perp, meanwhile, is wanted for shoplifting.
The city condemns what's left of your house and it turns into an empty lot. Rebuilding costs $400,000, plus $28,000 in legal fees.
The federal judge attempts to keep a straight face as he tells you that you're not getting SHIT. You're not entitled to compensation because the police were acting to preserve the safety of the public. And when I say police, I mean over 100 of them who responded.
The city feels bad and compensates you $5,000.
The case is going to the Supreme Court.
For some reason I found myself in a virtual work conference on etiquette. Before you say anything, I was there voluntarily, and it was not a condition of probation. At the last place there was a sexual harassment conference. My friends asked if I was teaching it as a 'how-to'.
It was obviously an advanced course because it covered things like not chewing while you're on the phone or in a conference, how to answer the phone when spammers call, and a large list of stuff not to do when you work from home (this was the best part).
Be cheerful. Smile when you're talking - the caller can hear it.
And if the caller took enough LSD, they can see the phone melting.
Train your spouse not to bother you while you're working.
Have you ever tried to train a spouse? It would be easier to train a train.
Invest in a good headset.
Because we'll let you work from home but we won't pay for a headset.
Say, "Hello, Walter's Widgets, this is Wanda Walters speaking...."
What if I don't work at Walter's Widgets?
I suspect that this entire conference was designed to discourage everyone from working at home.
Then they asked about things that really annoy us.
The text chat went insane, scrolling by so fast I couldn't read it. There were 2 main complaints: replying to ALL, and replying to replying to ALL. This did not stop 27 people from typing it again, because they're showing us how smart they are and how they are original thinkers.
I helped. No, really. How could I let a chance like this go by?
What really annoys me? Windows 10.
No, wait, that was last time. But I like to bring it up at any related gathering.
I said never ask 2 questions in an email. You'll only get the first one answered. The moderator personally applauded it. I must know her boss.
Heroes of the Stupid
Unemployed heroin addict drags NYPD cop with his car and gets $11 million.
Technically he was pulled over for blowing a stop sign and the cop went to get his keys, then the addict took off, dragging the cop. His partner, fearing for his partner's life, shot the addict, partially paralyzing him.
The addict had his charge acquitted. The shot was ruled "not within department guidelines." Adding insult to injury, the attorney requested 6-9 million for lost earnings. The addict was unemployed. I would not want to be a cop in NYC. They're being neutered by government.
SJW Silliness
'Sexual' use of eggplant and peach emojis has been banned on Faceyspaces and Instagram. What's worse - pervasive emojis or Faceyspaces banning them?
"Sexy nurse' costumes demean one of the most in-demand professions in American life -- and they're a bestseller on Amazon right now.
-businessinsider.com
Burger King faces a lawsuit, this time from a vegan. He ordered one of their vegan burgers, without mayo, of course, then had an absolute fit because it was cooked on the same grill the real burgers were. So he's suing, as is his responsibility as an American. BK has a note on this burger, telling people it is cooked on the same grill, but if people don't like that, they can ask to have it baked. I don't know what he's upset about - there's no meat in either burger. Proud to be an American.
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