I Am Satan's Copilot

Why do I go far out of my way and my salary for my dog? Well, he's my dog, isn't he. That aside, he's the only one who pays attention to me when I speak. From the time we got him, in fact. Whenever I say something to him, he stops what he's doing and looks at me. Until I'm done speaking. Married with kids? You know you can't put a price on that.

• Everybody's meh dining spot, Chili's, has suffered the inevitable Data Breach. There's a bunch of words on the link, which comprise the Official Corporate Excuse. Don't believe anything you read, except for the fact that there was a data breach. They can't exactly tell you where, they can't exactly tell you how (although they have a suspicion), they can't exactly tell you who is affected, and they have the when down to a two month period. Until further notice (from them - I have other things to do), watch your card's statements carefully.
• Better yet, don't eat there. I've yet to have a positive experience in many years. One word comes to mind: wait. I've waited way too long when I was one of four people in the entire restaurant.
• This comes on the heels of the Appleby's hack.
• Use cash. Everywhere.

I have a friend (it's true). I was discussing one of my dinner specialties, Kitchen Sink Burgers, named because I put everything but the kitchen sink into them. They're so tasty, you don't need barbecue sauce or ketchup with them. Friend tells me she doesn't eat much ketchup. What kind of Merkun doesn't eat ketchup on way more things than necessary? Well, it has a lot of sugar in it and I'm limiting the sugar I put in my body. I don't want to get fat.

My friend, you're just over five feet tall, weighing about ninety pounds with soaked winter clothes and a large suitcase of a pocketbook. Is the high fructose corn syrup in a glob of ketchup going to make you blow up like one of the people on My 600lb Life? Where do people come up with ideas?

Of course my friend is a woman... I don't really need to tell you this, because you don't hear this from men....

Hey Jim- how bout a couple hot dogs with chili and extra ketchup and some fries?

Nah [sigh], I can't.

Since when can't you eat a coupla dogs and a 64oz soda?

I'm tryin to cut down.

On WHAT?

Fats.

Fats?

Yeah.

What kinda fat is in hot dogs with chili, extra ketchup, and fries?

All of it.

Dude, you told me you flew through your physical like Harvey Weinstein through a crowd of young starlets.

Yeah, I did, but my body is a temple and I have to watch what I put into it.

Jim, you're starting to frighten me. Is that yogurt in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

Both.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting some doggies, post haste.

Well, I'm cutting down, so only ONE dog (with chili and extra ketchup and fries). Make it a Diet Coke instead. Gotta watch my calories too. My figure is going to hell.

• Some Google employees have quit the company over its decision to accept a government contract related to military drones. These are some pretty principled ex-employees - they're ridiculously highly paid, with benefits that would make your head spin. Want a massage at work? Free meals? Like riding your skateboard? Very quietly expensing call girls and boys? (I made that up, but....)
• Google was in the news recently, when it was discovered that they instructed HR explicitly to not hire white males. Yes, libertarians believe private companies should not face government intervention. Google also welcomes input and discussion from employees on corporate decisions (unless you're the guy who complained about the hiring policies and sent copies to the press - then you're fired).
• So you have an interesting situation when you have a huge workplace full of people who are fine with only hiring minorities (regardless of competence - that was also discovered), who are encouraged to give their input into corporate decisions. It makes for interesting outcomes. It also makes one wonder where the ex-employees expect to work, what kind of salary they expect, and if they'll demand the right to share their feelings about the decisions.

I read an article on the Nest 'Smart Home' thermostat, which left me scratching my left elbow and somewhat bewildered. According to the article, the thermostat notified some users about a data breach involving their credentials. It advised them not to reuse credentials (login, password).

This is excellent advice and couldn't be more correct.
However, and there's always a however, my internal alarm bells started to ramp up in volume.

Your thermostat. Warned you about your credentials possibly being breached. Suggested not reusing credentials.

Granted, the notice came in an email, but....
Nest spotted your password on a list of breached credentials. Because it's been proactive when it somehow steals your password(s).  Do you hear any distant alarm bells?

Faceyspaces goes out and checks to see if your password is on any lists.
To be accurate, it uses a hash of your password and looks for the same hash on public sites. No, this does not mean these automated systems smoke certain substances before going to the Dark Web. Hashing is the process of taking your password and performing Certain Mathematical Operations on it.

Giving Google the benefit of doubt, even if they are using hashes, how do they know your password? Do you seriously want your Internet of Things thermostat to listen and warn you something's up? And now Google has this on record. Someone's going on Double Secret Probation.


Welcome to the future. I have to run: there's important safety news from my light bulb.

• Guitars have been thought of as phallic objects. My thought for Jackson Guitars: there's a good reason sales aren't what you thought they'd be with the Dinky.

Diet Coke now has Feisty Mango flavor, proving that getting the marketing department drunk is not always a good idea.

• Hey, got one of those Alexas? Researchers in China and the US have demonstrated the ability to send frequencies containing commands to the device. This can happen with frequencies you can hear and that you can't hear. Yes, this is in the research stage, but don't forget: if it can be done, it will.

 Dogs are being trained to sniff out electronics, specifically USB drives. This came in handy when police used the canine to catch a hacker who was changing grades in school. I think a child who set up an official-looking page to get teachers' logins and used that to get into the system should be encouraged, in a professional sense.

The Electronic Freedom Foundation, a needed resource, assures us that the police can't simply enter your house with a dog: there is a warrant process involved and they have to be very specific. I believe the EFF. But we all know what happened with the alleged warrants the NSA needed to spy on Americans. If it can be done, it will.

• How about that Faceyspaces MyPersonality app..  all of that data from 3 million users was left practically in the open for four years.

What have we learned?

• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't play games or fill out surveys with any personal information at all, online or offline, especially on Faceyspaces. Don't even list your favorite color.
• dump Faceyspaces. Now.
• don't agree to share data
• don't trust Faceyspaces - there will be more of this.

A CNN political analyst deleted his tweet that showed Trump in crosshairs. Chris Calizza said it was unintended and the result of a computer program he and his team used.

Funny - the software had absolutely no glitches while Obama was in office.

Readers, I strongly advise you to check all of your software, lest it post pictures of the president that look vaguely threatening.

• We all noticed the big news about the new American Embassy in Jerusalem. There is absolutely no excuse for this. The old one wasn't broken. More of our tax dollars squandered. Don't we have enough problems at home?

Hey - guess where the Pentagon's classified data and nuclear secrets are going to be stored... you got it - the CLOUD! Apparently the Unmanned Aerial Vehicle that hit the Pentagon on 9-11 did more damage than we thought.

• A survey finds that a quarter of Americans spend all day inside, inaugurating the term "indoor generation." As usual, I was ahead of the trend by years and years.

In society and television's Race to the Bottom, there's a new show called Extreme Cheapskates. It profiles someone, usually of means, who is... extremely cheap. They proudly proclaim it, because this is their fifteen minutes. Perhaps they can combine this with Extreme Couponers, who buy multiple carts of things and pay almost nothing. I'm waiting for Extreme Assholes, which is already partially covered in the current dumpster fire of shows. I shouldn't tell you this because of a non-disclosure agreement, but I'm in meetings with the people from Extreme Sarcasm. Like I care. Keep it to yourself, please.

• During shows, Jimi Hendrix would wreak havoc upon his equipment, especially his Marshall amplifiers, which were as tall as he was. He would approach one and start humping it, then launch himself or a guitar at the speakers. Imagine being the poor S.O.B. who had to stand behind the amplifier and hold it up while Jimi was doing his best to impregnate the other side. What did this person put on his resume? Amp Condom? Humper Stopper? Amp Support Specialist (ASS)?
• I never saw him but I miss him. He was so far ahead of his time that it boggles the mind to think of what he'd be doing today.

So there's a royal wedding coming up. One of the Royal Bastards is marrying a Merkun.  Apparently this is a Royal No-No and many Brits are not going to bother watching. I can tell you this Merkun will also not be watching. Not out of protest - because I have an appointment to chew razor blades that morning.

Remember a really nice lady called Diana, who was also not of royal blood?

woah - that's a little too far outside for me

Cumulus Rocks

You'll notice that I've been publishing more frequently lately. This is indicative of the fact that I've been publishing more frequently lately, plus my renewed commitment to sarcasm and my esteemed readers.


Today's Great Piece of Knowledge comes via the morning 'news', which had a special feature on Thanksgiving. On making the perfect turkey? No. What to bring for the holiday? No. New desserts? No. They want to let us know that if you don't have enough plates, it's ok. Don't you feel better now? You can make little animals out of napkins, because you have heavy cloth napkins all over the place anyway. Now, about that turkey...

• If you belong to the adult web service Friend Finder (the world's largest sex & swinger community), 412 million accounts have been compromised. No serious information yet from Friend Finder. Of course no ThermionicEmission readers have accounts there. We're not the swinger type. Ok, maybe some of us. You, from Russia-I don't judge.

Whether for work or personal use, don't use Free Wifi. Keep all connections HTTPS and ideally use a VPN. I can walk into any airport or Starbucks and set up a wireless network called Free Airport Wifi (Free Starbucks Wifi). Your phone or tablet will connect to it and I can capture or 'sniff' all your data before it goes out to the internet.

• Monthly reminder to back up your data. This protects you from ransomeware and most other Data Tragedies. Store the backup offsite, if possible. It will never hurt you to have a backup or even two.

Stop blocking roads, you idiots with Hurt Feelings. You caused a forty five minute detour that killed a man. Protest all you want but don't block roads.

Speaking of feelings, Barnard College is hosting a Trump Coping Event, complete with feminist coloring pages, hot chocolate, and snacks, so the snowflakes can cope with their feelings over Hillary's loss. You can't make this shit up.

• Here's a concept: Virtual Reality can help shut-ins. Hopefully this ends the Serious Stuff.

I need to reiterate the Taylor Swift Conundrum. The woman is arguably pretty, although she does absolutely nothing for me. One time I heard a small snatch of her music and was immediately hit by the feeling that her audience is 8-15 year olds, mostly female. Until this morning, I continued to remain unmolested by her music. The morning alleged news program ran a snippet of a video, discussing what it's about. It's about music promotion, you local Einsteins. And again, I was struck by the nursery school-like beat and melody.

The same alleged news program spent a few minutes on how to pronounce Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson's name: Dew-Wayne or Dwayne. Ummm... let's be thankful they're not discussing the election (or a Kardashian), I guess. Or world peace.

• Memory from the past: my musical comedy group had a song that involved basketball, so we mimed throwing a basketball (really?). We already know I'm not a sports guy, and my compatriots kept laughing at my feeble attempts to mime throwing a ball. Only I didn't know my attempts were feeble. They spent the better portion of an hour 'teaching' me how to mime throwing a basketball. Frustrated at their complete lack of patience, I was allowed to go onstage, not being able to complete this 'simple' task. It is said that guitar players are dumb. No alleged slur comes out of the blue. To this day, I have no idea what I did wrong and still don't care.
• Sort of along those lines, a dear friend's father passed away. My friend's comment was that at least he got to see the Cubs win. Apparently this is a thing.

You know that feeling of sheer joy and relief after the plane you're on experiences an engine fire and everyone gets off safely? Apparently it doesn't last long... 18 passengers have filed a lawsuit against Boeing and American Airlines for the engine fire on the tarmac, when part of the engine failed. Also part of the suit: the American Airlines Lounge ran out of vodka before the flight, creating a hostile flying experience.

• The Brooklyn Bridge has a long-standing tradition of people showing their love for each other by attaching a lock to it. According to the city's transportation commissioner, this is a Bad Idea. The bridge structure could be compromised.  As of yet, there's no word on the tradition of showing love by parking cement trucks on the bridge.

A US road safety body has demanded that electric cars traveling at a low speed make noise to warn pedestrians. Noises include bicycle horn, muscle car, and totally broken exhaust system.

• How about that Bono? He has urged Donald Trump to prioritize gender equality. After he won a Woman of the Year award. Let me make sure I have the pronouns straight here. Bono won a Woman of the Year award and called on Trump to prioritize gender equality. Is anything about this odd, suspicious, or believable? Could any of us come up with a more ridiculous news item? Will the president-elect act on the polite and 'correct' request? Finally, there is a women's magazine handing out women's trophies to men. We are living in Upside-Down World.

Apparently they never got the memo about improving race relations: a post on Faceyspaces (so I'm told, of course) referred to Michelle Obama as an 'ape in heels'. Let me attempt to make it so clear that even Faceyspaces readers can understand: OK to Criticize - ideas. Not OK to Criticize - appearance, kids, race, spouse. Yes, it falls under freedom of speech. Yes, they sound like racist idiots.

• Apple's Big New Product might be smart glasses that would connect to an iDevice to provide information on the glasses. In other words, Apple's is bringing out Google Glasses in 2018 or so.

Got way too much money on your hands and need to spend some for a good cause (you)? There is now a smart oven (uh-oh) that can recognize 'some' foods and 'kinda' cook for you. It is reviewed here. Only $1495, it can recognize and cook 25 items and has automatic settings for another 47. PLUS a Bluetooth app to look inside the device and to let you know when your food is done. BUT WAIT - if you buy now, you get a free puppy, plus the ghost of Billy Mays will visit and sprinkle white Magic Dust on you while you sleep.

• Moral Relativity? There is a new ransomware that harvests social data and scans for child porn. If found, the malware lists the offending file(s) and scans their social media, threatening to post a message.

Technology has come a long way. From using your 300 baud modem to connect to Compuserve to 2016, when Domino's Completes First Delivery of Terrible Pizza by Drone. This means we'll see delivery of Other Stuff by drone soon, regardless of how easy it might be to hijack the drone. Feel all techy and futuristic now?

• Netflix will be releasing "Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life" on November 25th. Nobody knows why.

Observing the great divide that has appeared after Trumpie won, not to mention the violent anti-Trumpie riots, financially backed by George Soros, It occurs to me that we really need to learn to coexist. Relationships have broken up, fights have started, buildings have been vandalized, and most recently, a man has been shot. I respect Trumpie opponents' right to peacefully protest, but this is getting out of hand.

There was a period of a few days when Mrs leftystrat was considering voting for the republican candidate. In what I consider a sterling example, there were no negative words or emotions present. We didn't loudly disagree or fight over this topic. We fought like mad over most other topics, but not the election. This example should serve as an example to the people destroying property and lives.

• Mexico's foreign minister announced a plan to help Mexicans get accurate information and avoid deportations in a Trump administration.
• WHAT?
• Not only are they allowing their citizens to jump ship, as it were, but they're aiding and abetting by providing help for the illegals.
• Can you see America encouraging emigration to other countries and providing assistance allowing them to remain there?
• This is a weird place. Not the blog - the country.

In a Beatle-esque display of bravado and up-yours-ness, Bob Dylan has announced he will not be at the Nobel Literature Prize ceremony, due to "pre- existing commitments". He's picking out wallpaper for that area over the steps leading down to the basement.

• With Black Friday coming earlier and earlier this year (November 2nd), you might want to know how not to overpay for your purchase. My article in Modern Black Friday suggests the only way to truly make sure you're not overpaying is to not shop on Black Friday. Yes, the alleged Black Friday Economy will collapse, but who gives a shit when you're trying to get that 67" (tangentially-measured) tv for two dollars off?

Let's say you're sitting there, minding your own business, and you suddenly decide that you'd like a quick Tinder hookup with a transgender person. On Tinder, one can now identify as transgender. I don't use Tinder (no, really) but I'd recommend not identifying as transgender unless you're transgender. That kinda surprise can get you assaulted. Good to know.