My Service Aardvark Fills In When My Service Elephant Has Off

 

Your love is like a made-in-China enema kit

Every now and then I get shown a picture of someone from my past. This takes a circuitous path, especially if the picture came from Faceyspaces. I have 2 friends who send me stuff from Faceyspaces, because I don't have an account. It's like a remote Faceyspaces forwarding service. It also serves as a Faceyspaces Filter, as they only send me the important stuff, which is a picture every 6 years or so.

I hadn't heard the word cyberstalking, but I knew what it was. A friend stalked his ex-wife, another seemed to stalk his friends, and some of mine (I don't understand this.. you've read the blog - I'm not that interesting). Faceyspaces was initially referred to as a place to go to get looked up by people in your 1st grade class or the guy who taught you donkey riding when you were 8 (he always seemed needy, even though you didn't know what needy was either). 

One of my forwarding people sent me pics of people in my old group (the guy who stalked my friends). It was only 50% frightening. One guy was standing there at his sink, missing only a towel for drying the dishes. The female singer... well... she had gone into weightlifting. Or houselifting. People like this sort of thing, mostly the lifters themselves, but I don't. I don't want a woman who can bench press me. If you bump into her in the middle of the night, either you'll bounce off, or she'll make you wish you were dead. It's a bad look for a singer too, unless you're Henry Rollins. Henry is very muscular, and when you pair it with the 'I'm going to kill you and eat your bones' look in his eyes, it sorta works. She, meanwhile, was pretty, and I emphasize the past tense. I'm not sure how you get dates looking like this, except maybe other female lifters, and she wasn't into that. 

So it's good to have someone checking up on your past and sending you current pictures. Ok, it really isn't.

Today I identify as  Ed Sheeran. God, I hate myself.

Life is a learning process. By this I mean that I say stupid shit, and well-meaning people tell me that wasn't the right thing to say at that particular moment, to that particular person. I think it happened again today. The developers from a very large, international corporation asked how my team liked their new interface. All I said was "The interface designers all had some sort of interesting visual impairment." Even if no one tells me I goofed, total and complete silence is usually an indicator. Don't ever tell me I don't pick up on subtle cues.

My boss, bless him, was warned about me. He used to defuse bombs, so nothing rattles him. While this works greatly in my favor, if I'm having a particularly edgy day, and the potato chip clips on my balls aren't doing their job, sometimes I forget to 'play nice'. I figure I'll have this whole thing down sometime after retirement.

Retirement poses its own challenges, as do days off. Currently it's only a days off issue. I don't do well with vacation. I tried to get work to pay me for vacation days not taken, but they filed the idea with all my other ideas, in a special round file, near my personnel file. I told them if they insist I take days off, I'll just get into things, and do they want that on their conscience. They're still 'evaluating' my suggestion. We know I'm helpless around the house, and Mrs lefty is getting tired of my constant demands for boom boom, so she sends me out of the house. This is where the trouble starts. Whenever I'm separated from my couch, I don't know what to do with myself, so the Buying starts. Only I can never find anything I like, so it becomes an exercise in frustration. This is even worse during the holidays (which seem to come weekly at the mall). The only drinks available are at Starbucks, and I don't like Starbucks, so I have a habit of disposing of the drinks in 'interesting' ways. 3 story malls are interesting, but we shan't go there, on advice of my lawyer. I really don't like people, so malls can get tedious, especially around the holidays. We used to have a tradition of going to malls on Xmas eve, getting hot chocolate, and watching people run around like pure idiots, but even that has lost its luster with the Flying AIDS. I could go to the mall without a mask and try to get thrown out, but even that sounds boring. Or a mask that says FLYING AIDS on it. Everyone must be reading this blog because whenever I say Flying AIDS, they know exactly what I'm talking about, including doctors.

Upon further study, I just checked and I have damn near 7 hours to burn off or I lose them. 7 hours! I'm giddy with delight. I shall wake the Mrs and we can plan how to spend it. That's damn near a whole day!  I could start work, eat lunch, then take off the rest of the day, all without leaving the house. Unfortunately this leaves me back at being separated from my beloved couch. I can't bear to go shopping, even for guitars, with these stupid masks. It should be pretty funny at Guitar Center, where musicians, who are the rebels of society, pee their pants if somebody isn't wearing a mask.

And this, Your Honor, is why it's just best to leave me on the couch, with something to do.

• The FAA cleared the Boeing 737 MAX for flight again.
• Are you ready to fly on one?
• Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) refers to flying as 'throwing yourself at the ground and missing.' Let's hope the plane continues to miss.

In case you're interested, torrents available for download today are courses in Blender, R programming, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and something called I F'd My Step-daughter after Bowling Night. This sounds... errr.... umm... interesting. Of course I mean R programming. Blender is pure smut.

• Scientists, via the New Horizons, discover space isn't pitch black after all
• It's Pepto pink 

But seriously, folks, there is a Jimi Hendrix movie coming out, called Live in Maui. I saw "Voodoo Child" from it and it was intense. The man was a guitar god and no one has surpassed him. If he were alive today, there's no telling what he'd be into, but it would be good.

Also out is more from the Zappa vault. The Mothers 1970 is a period I really like, with Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan on vocals (they used to be called The Turtles). 

Dear lefty 

• What hurts more - thumb tacks or wood slivers under the fingernails?
• Ok, you got me there-I have no idea. Why don't you stop by this weekend and we'll do the science

A massive hack by a state-funded Chinese hacking group hit companies around the world. You gotta admit, China has some solid steel balls. First it's Huawei, then the Flying AIDS, now hacking. They're making a good case for 'regime change' or nuclear test bed. Nah-let's send the CIA in to 'advise' the leaders.

Flying AIDS news

The CDC is pleading with Americans not to travel for Thanksgiving. They will have an employee in every airport, pleading with you personally. At the end of the day, the employee will fly home.

The CDC also warns against non-household members for turkey, and will station one staff member per block to knock down on doors to check.

Jumping on the bandwagon, a Fresno bishop urged Catholics not to 'jump on the vaccine bandwagon'. He has concerns about stem cells, referring to them as morally objectionable materials. Fresno Catholics have concerns about some of the priests' morally objectionable behavior, which is way down on the bishop's list of morally objectionable things.

At the last Bishops' Conference, it was decided that whenever someone mentioned child molestation, they would say "LOOK- STEM CELLS!"

A Los Angeles stay-at-home order might be issued. This could be very beneficial to the rest of the country, but not for the reason Idiot Governor proposed it. Many have suggested Los Angeles stay at home, especially around awards time.

In England, extensive tracking shows the Flying AIDS caught from supermarkets. The British are cautioned to avoid shopping for food.

There's always one: in Philly, a woman wrote #stopthespread and hung masks from her tree. The masks went overnight, but local officials couldn't bear to tell her hashtags don't work on trees.

There's always another one: Idiot Governor's Health Secretary insists masks be worn outside AND inside the house.  Banned are indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries. Idiot Governor said they have no intention of implementing another broad-based shutdown (aside from indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries). #ImpeachWolf.

A group of restaurant owners are suing Philly over the restrictions. Philly's immediate reaction was 'restrictions are temporary, death is permanent'. Rights are temporary, abusers are permanent. YOU voted these people in, Philly. #ImpeachKenny 

• if you have seborrhea (scalp itchies), you should probably not pronounce it 'gonorrhea,' especially to your mom or doctor. Don't ask.

That didn't take long?

The UK revealed its Space Force and some sort of AI agency.

Philly Mayor blames Flying AIDS, says Space Force has to stay home and wear masks.

Today in Los Angeles Superior Court, a class action suit was filed, claiming racism in the lack of news coverage of rock and roll one-on-one crime. Robert Plant says no one knows he shot Steven Tyler, Freddie Mercury's estate noted no coverage of his West vs East feud with Tom Petty, and to this day, no one knows how many of Scott Weiland's girlfriends were stolen by Kurt Cobain. Dave Grohl's machine-gunning of Pearl Jam at an awards show never got out, nor did Jimi Hendrix's ongoing theft of Janis Joplin's drugs, which she claimed was the reason she shot him. Plant said, "Yeah, everyone carried a piece. Hardly a car ride was had without a shooting."

The plaintiffs allege that no coverage was given to their violent, drug-filled feuds 'because we were white.' Reached at his satanic mansion, somewhere in the middle of England, Jimmy Page said, "Yeah, it wash like that. I mean.. the 70s were a time of great violence in Rock. Plus we didn't have stupid names like 'Stallion', 'Weekend Chance' or 'Bieber'. I would have died of embarrassment if my manager said to call me Jimmy Thee Mare. First of all, it's spelled wrong, then a mare is female, which nobody seems to question. It's obviously race-fuelled."

All attempts to reach Jimi Hendrix have been futile.

TV is awash with commercials for stuff with beets. If you take the stuff, you'll feel better, more mentally awake, and your nostrils will be larger. Over the years, scientists have worked with beets, and discovered that the problem with beets is that they taste like beets. Yes, they give you all the benefits, but they remain fully adamant in tasting like beets. One product attempted to circumvent this issue by telling you their product has a nice cherry flavor. Or sawdust.

Strangely enough, a beet product appeared in my kitchen. The other day I seriously needed a boost (and to be honest, a little bit of nostril enlargement) Bravely, I put on my armor and mixed it with 8oz (17km Canadian) of water. In addition to all my other areas of impairment, I cannot tell what 8oz of water is. Might be a coffee cup, might be a gas tank. I went for a happy medium - a beer barrel. Cautiously I put it near my mouth... I was already up one(!)-it didn't smell. With a true sense of false bravado, I put some in my mouth. This was my second mistake. OMG, this shit tastes like beets!  Apparently the brand that appeared did not have the good grace to taste like something else. Even broccoli would have been fine. Brussels sprouts. Dog poop. GOOD LORD - BEETS! 

I called in my Head Purchaser, who seemed surprised, even though she purchased it. This is the same purchaser who knows not to let cranberry come within 6 miles of my turkey. She put on her lead apron and tasted it. I gathered, from her rapid trip to the bathroom and resulting noises, she wasn't fond of it either (and she likes beets). She said it would be better in yogurt.

The following morning we had the Scientists in to do the Science. It turns out only 0.00061% of people like beets, and none of them are in North America. Or Earth. In fact, even food banks will refuse beets, as not even the hungry will take them, so they sit there, growing an odd, green fuzz, which eventually evolves the power to speak. If you don't like the flavor, you don't want to hear what they have to say.

So I tentatively dropped a spoonful of beet powder into my yogurt, with the promise that the purchaser would eat it if I didn't like it. Ok, I'm game. First we did some Science, bending down and presenting the powder to the dog. The dog was thrilled, wagged her tail like mad, took one sniff, then walked away. Have you ever seen a lemon face on a dog? It's not pretty. The scientists were aghast. Bouyed by the dog's input, I tried the yogurt. Within a second, I had taken up my purchaser's offer to eat it if I didn't like it, and placed it near her. She hasn't eaten it and I think it's about to say something. I understand not being able to camouflage it in water, but yogurt? I think it refuses to mix with anything out of spite. So you get crunchy yogurt, which might as well be Whizzo Assortment's Crunchy Frog. Even Clorox bleach wouldn't get the taste out of my mouth. So the Emergency Room Special Stomach Squad is on Standby, as is SWAT.

Happys - magic day for guitar players

Dr John

Duane Allman

Frank Marino

Joe Walsh

Elephantiasis at the Zoo

Want to help keep ads and crapware out of your computer?
Replace the HOSTS file.
Head here, download the file, and follow the directions. Works on Windows, linux, probably Mac. There's an explanation of how it works, if you care. It's updated monthly or so.  Nothing's perfect, but it will definitely help.

ANDROID users: if you use UC Browser, uninstall. It breaks several goog mobile app rules, and puts more than 500 million users at risk. Try Firefox, Bromite, Tor, and Privacy Browser (from f-droid repository). Privacy Browser is really what it says, doing more to block crap than any other browser.

• The king of Thailand has stripped Sineenat Wongvajirapakdi of her royal consort title, as well as all royal titles, decorations, status in the royal guard, and her military ranks. Also the name that was really hard to spell.
• Royal consort?  Damn... I wonder if Mrs lefty would allow that
• We have that here, but it never had an official title.

Know what would be neat?
Good phone service.
The providers have no trouble charging you exorbitant fees, yet there is no service guarantee, especially quality of service. I just dialed a call and the phone sat there, deliberately doing its impression of a tree. I heard it dial, unlike a tree, but that was it. What's going on when this happens?

Then there's the coverage, or lack of thereof. If you live in a remote area, good luck... you're probably fortunate to have landlines that work during a storm. And electricity.  How about dropped or fuzzy calls? They're certainly not rare.

With cell phones being around for longer than many people, things should really be sorted out by now.  We're being bent over a table by phone and cable providers. Incidentally, people outside the US laugh at us... our internet speeds are lower and way more expensive, cable is way too expensive, and pharmaceuticals are astronomically more expensive. Cable companies operate at the city level, paying politicians to see that there are only one or two providers available, so the price can be kept high. If competition were allowed, the price would drop. It's good to be an American.

• Former Faceyspaces workers: we routinely suppressed conservative news

Dear lefty

• Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
• Because he was dead.

ThermionicEmissions asked its California Consultant why electricity was turned off on purpose in northern California (called Public Safety Power Shutoff events). They had a lot of fires, which turned out to be the power company's fault, so a power outage was called, so as not to cause more fires.

Errr.... ummm... what civilized part of the country shuts electricity off? What civilized power distributor causes fires?

About 5 minutes after the above, I read that the PG&E CEO said California can expect blackouts for a decade.

• Wife made a snack for dinner, at around 3am. I came down to a baking pan full of.... things. Breaded things. I figured I'd tempt fate and try one. It was batter coated and had a unique texture.  I still have no idea what it was.

After the horrible incident of racism in British football, Business got vigilant. Two racists in the crowd were arrested.
Ummmmm...... good thing the US freedom of speech hasn't eroded this far.

• An Oregon engineer wants to change traffic lights so yellow is longer, avoiding many tickets.

No thank you, I'd rather test out new Rough-O toilet paper, made from real trees.

• Did you hear about the defrocked priest?
• He got thrown out because he refused to molest little boys.

I have a vague memory of, at some ridiculous hour of the morning, my parents' phone calling mine. Mine called my brother. His called the parents. The phones didn't ring - they just said there was a call. Checking the logs, there was no outgoing call on any of them. All at the same time.  Go ahead, explain that.

There's an awful lot of talk today about Russian groomed and funded candidates, meddling in elections, and undermining of our electoral process.

We'll just comment that if you read the entire Mueller Report, the only major ticket that didn't receive any ads from Moscow was ours.

-Libertarian Party

Today I identify as a bottle of horseradish mustard




I have no trouble whatsoever with people wanting to change their gender or much of anything else, so long as it harms no one. However, competing in sports is one exception. Male and female bodies are different - it's a fact of nature. So when a trans person competes, there's an advantage for male to female because they still have a male body, albeit softened a bit.

Heroes of the Stupid

The New Jersey Department of Taxation wants to remind everyone that pumpkins used for decorations are subject to sales tax. Pumpkins used for food or in food preparation are tax free.





SJW Shenanigans

ANY GENDER CAN GET THEIR PERIOD - Twitter

The Seattle school district is planning to infuse all K-12 math classes with ethnic-studies questions that encourage students to explore how math has been “appropriated” by Western culture and used in systems of power and oppression.


@ white trans people
Being trans doesn't absolve you of your privilege.
Yes you are marginalized.
You're also still white.

Mollusks in my Molars

Just saw a book called A Practical Guide to Racism.
Couldn't you just take the ball and run across the country with it?


Does it guide you on how to practice racism?

• a black man asks if he can date your daughter. You tell him "not in muh house, colored person."
• LeRoy the drummer wants to join your band. You say no because he's black. The joke's on you because white people have no rhythm.
• see what I did there?

How to spot racism?

• Good morning, class. I'm from the Mayor's Commission on Racism. Since you're white, you're automatically racist.  [true story-Temple University]
• the guy in the white dunce cap and bedsheet, holding the rope? He's the racist.

How to use racism to shut down any argument?

• Trump building The Wall is racist.

It turns out that the name of the show is RuPaul's Drag Race, not RON Paul's. I know this now. In completely unrelated news, I will not be speaking at the libertarian convention after all.

• Before you take a ride on Lyft or Uber, or after, if applicable, you should probably know what they're up to with your data. Not only do they snoop on riders, the executives are spying on journalists who ask too many questions. This is in addition to your data that allows tracking, as well as a decent idea of where you've been going. Read and weep.

Plugging in a new USB device on a Windows 10 machine sends data to Windows, without encryption. Windows is a dumpster fire. A dumpster fire that positively EATS your privacy. This is something just discovered, in addition to the rest of the backdoors to Microsoft and the NSA. I am not making this up.

not that it really matters....

• I often rant about the IoT (Internet of Things): your toaster and Alexa, sending data up the line. Let me illustrate via the news: people are figuring out that there's something going on militarily. How? Some in the military are wearing Fitbits and their data is going upstream. People have looked at the data and figured out there's movement because the individuals are in places we don't know about or they shouldn't be. It's bad enough that data is leaving our house; now it's perfectly illustrated by possibly secret military data. A failure on the military's part, a failure on the public's part, and on the part of the manufacturer (who is profiting from the data).
• When we're done with this issue, don't take any time to think about military being in places they shouldn't be. Oops.
• All of the sudden, Strava, the manufacturer of the devices, is committed to safety.
• What a perfect time to take a public lesson on this activity. Considering it was just Data Privacy Day, I'm willing to bet it will be completely ignored.

So that Spectre/Meltdown issue with the CPUs... the first fix was recalled. When the real fix comes along, it could slow your computer significantly. Superbly bungled. However, the head of Intel says there will be a fix by the end of the year. A silicon fix (hardware/chip). For all future CPUs. Your CPU? Well, you're screwed. I'm full of righteous indignation today, aren't I?

• Let this serve as your periodic reminder that Tony Curtis' real name was Bernie Schwartz. Michael Landon used to be Eugene Orowitz. Furthermore, Steven Tyler is, in reality, Steven Tallarico. He must have changed it because it sounds too Jewish.

SNAPPLE - further

For those of you following along at home, as well as those of you who can bother to be bothered with Trivial Shit<tm>, I'm continuing on the Snapple path. After several months of attempting to purchase lemon Snapple, which is allegedly on sale, and failing miserably, I managed to procure two large bottles, much to my surprise.  Things were good.

But the Snapple Gods were not smiling down upon me. In fact, they were laughing hysterically. Upon opening, the first taste was weird. The second taste continued to be weird. Thinking maybe I ate chocolate or something that would throw the taste off, I tried later. I had my wife try it. I'd have had the dog try it, but he doesn't indicate on quality. He'd probably reject it anyway, on the basis of lemon. He'll eat almost anything but lemon.

It's odd... maybe too much lemon. I'm not exactly sure. Will have to open the second bottle. Who else do you know who has trouble procuring a decent bottle of Snapple? Things are a little... different.. in my house.

I don't mean to come off all negative. I can say conclusively that every bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms that has entered my house has been consistently delicious. There's never even a problem purchasing it. Or eating it.

UPDATE: Snapple and YooHoo, among others, were just purchased by Keurig Green Mountain. While Keurig is one of the greatest products ever invented, Green Mountain has spammed people relentlessly and their coffee is like light brown water, with all the taste of... light brown water.

• Speaking of getting out, I finally managed to get to the guitar store that was (intentionally) closed on New Years Day. With more than enough money for strings and picks, with a great collection of effects pedals, with about four lefty guitars, I could not find a thing I wanted. Nice employees, though.
• Fender has some interesting new guitars coming out; a new series called American something or other Series. Unfortunately it won't be in stock for a while. The positive news is that the existing series guitars will be blown out, hence a potential good deal. I love Fenders, even if they don't make much I like these days. I have older ones.
• Do you ever feel like feeling like you're old? Of course you do. When I was young, I got my first Fender. These Stratocasters were generally regarded as dogs. It was a bad time for Fender and their products suffered. Flash forward to modern day and the 'dogs' I bought are now considered 'vintage'. They command a lot more than they were purchased for. Dogs.
• Meanwhile, I want a real vintage guitar -  1950s.  I played a 1958 Strat once.. it was like butter.. it almost played itself, like something out of Spinal Tap. It would have cost me about $12,000. Today that same guitar would cost triple, quadruple, or more, depending on condition. Since we're rather fond of living in our house, I'll have to find an alternate funding source.

The self-replicating dirty dishes have taken on almost plague-like conditions. I leave a clean sink and the next morning it's full again. Remember, there are only two (alleged) adults plus a precocious spaniel in the house. For this occasion only, I feel safe saying it's not the dog's fault, as he cannot grasp dishes, due to that Lack of Opposable Thumb Thing. I haven't fully ruled out the wife, though, as things tend to happen when she's involved. Logically, all things considered (such as my physical well being), I have only one choice: to believe that the dirty dishes are self-replicating. 

• Interns at the Kansas Capitol must sign a confidentiality agreement. Some outside experts say this is to deter sexual harassment claims.  Imagine an employer so dirty that one has to sign an agreement not to talk about what goes on? Imagine that it's the government.
• Nope, sorry. The government is to remain transparent (Obama, the most transparent administration). They're always up to no good, and that's just the part we can see. Who allowed the Patriot Act to pass? Who just reauthorized unfettered spying? Congress.

Way down there in Mumbai, referred to by Lynyrd Skynyrd as Sweet Home Mumbai, a man died when he was sucked into an MRI machine.  My wife had an MRI and was terrified, so I went with her. Nobody told us what to expect. The machine started and I noticed the necklace I was wearing at the time seemed to be very eager to leap into the machine. We're talking about a piece of metal the size of a guitar pick.

So I'm wondering if maybe the guy was wearing a metal suit. No, as it turns out, the poor fellow was carrying an oxygen cylinder. A doctor and another person were arrested under Indian law for causing death due to negligence. This is one law you won't see in the US. Ever.  It is believed that the gentleman died from inhaling liquid oxygen, which cools the machine.  So remember, kids... breathe oxygen, don't drink it.

If I don't see the sun soon, all of the stories here will be like this.
I mention this because not only is it dreary, we have two days of Nuisance Snow this week. Although all snow is a nuisance, Nuisance Snow is up to one inch, which only serves to cause car accidents and panic buying of bread, milk, and those hats with the whirlygig on top.

• A Russian military jet came within five feet of a US Navy plane, out in international waters. 
• Asked for comment, Vladimir said, "That's a nice plane. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it."
• Navy experts said that it was an attempt by the Russians to show that their... fuselages... were bigger than ours.

Some historically black colleges are struggling with rock bottom graduation rates, some as low as twenty percent. Based strictly upon recent events, there are several ways to deal with this:

1. Lower standards for graduation. A city police force (Philly?), under orders to hire more black people, had to lower the test scores for hiring because not enough black people passed the test.
2. Bring in Other Than Black (OTB) students, on a scholarship, to hopefully raise graduation stats.

That should go over like the proverbial fart in church. Like a Black Sabbath concert for the pope. Like a sermon on bodily fluids.

• Thrillist’s Definitive and Final Ranking of All 50 States ranks Florida as the worst state in the nation.  California's governor Jerry Brown has passed a law, ignoring Florida's rating, and pledges to get his state ranked "right where it belongs."
• Stockton, California, has come out of the gate swinging. Bankrupt since 2012, Stockton's mayor is going to implement Universal Basic Income. For one year, several dozen families will get $500 per month, no strings attached.  In addition to tracking what the residents do with the money, they will be monitoring how a basic income affects things like self-esteem and identity.
• At this point, there is a one million dollar contribution to go towards funding this experiment. If implemented, there will be no donations: it will come right out of your pockets.
• Where did the crisis come from? Stockton racked up millions in debt in development projects in the past, among other things. But it's Magic Money!
• Seriously?

Never accuse ThermionicEmissions of failing to feature feel-good stories, chock full of good old fashioned family values. In fact, the Philadelphia Inquirer just ran a great, sensitive story about generations of families in jail together. It just [sniff..] tugs at your heartstrings. 

• The Indians baseball team is going to change their "Chief Wahoo" logo, deemed offensive to Indians. To avoid causing any further upset, the Indians' new logo will be a swastika.

I've been married a while, so naturally I got to thinking about marriage licenses. Sit a spell and think with me, please.

A couple must go to the city/state/locality and pay for a license to marry. 

Let's not get into the discussion over the state telling you who you can marry.

Why should the state have a say in your marriage? At most, perhaps they can act strictly as a registrar, keeping a record that you are married. Maybe.

This is one of the many reasons I'm a libertarian. We believe in small government. I'd go so far as to say we don't need car registrations. Some go further.

And then when you're done getting the state's permission to marry, you have to find someone to marry you (hopefully you already have a spouse picked out). Apparently this is considerably easier a process, in that just about anyone can marry you. Justice of the Peace, religious leaders, ministers of the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, pretty much anybody with the right piece of paper.

• Campus Reform took a trip to New York University to ask students what they thought about President Trump's State of the Union address. Students hated it. The only problem was that the address was a week away. Did the students get an advance copy? Did they somehow travel to the future and back? Ladies and gentlemen, the future of America.
• Next week, NYU will review the 2020 elections.

Ripped from the headlines: last night I read, wherever it was that I read it, that you might as well eat pizza for breakfast, especially if you normally eat cereal. The logic here is that they have the same amount of calories, but there's a chance that you'll get some protein from the pizza, as opposed to a bowl full of sugar from the cereal. Personally I find nothing wrong with either, although I prefer a bowl full of sugar in the morning and pizza for lunch and/or dinner. Also mentioned is the fact that the cereal sugar is full blast then burnout, while the pizza sugar takes longer, so you don't get the burnout. Not mentioned is whether you like your pizza from last night's box (or last week's), cold from the fridge, or frozen with maple syrup.

• The NSA literally deleted 'trust' and 'honesty' from its core values. At least they're straight about something. By the way, don't say anything when you're near the toaster, ok?

Canada has a C-16 bill, which makes it a criminal offense to 'misgender' people. In England, you cannot use racial slurs, in person or on the internet. The US is working on a law that would make it illegal to make fun of someone's nose hair. Which one of these laws is made up?

I submit that it's difficult to misgender or gender people if they don't tattoo it on their foreheads. Sometimes you see people and ask if they're.... 

And now, ThermionicEmissions is illegal in Canada AND England.

• Boy, am I sick of football. Mind you, I'm sick of football at all times, but it's worse lately. Because the Eagles (Dem Iggles) are going to the Superbowl, television is nonstop Eagles. The morning multi-hour news show is All Eagles, All the Time. The anchors are now in Minnesota (minus the comical accents). Fortunately, there's nothing going on in the country or the world at this moment to break into the 6 hour daily coverage of Dem Iggles, although they did a highly relevant news story about the Mall of America.
• It would be unspeakably rude of me to disallow sports, even though the idea constantly tugs at my being, like certain ideas do when watching Shakira. So watch your sports (after you pay attention to the local and world news, not instead of it). Just get it off the damn 24 hour news cycle.
• It's a good thing I don't watch broadcast television or this blog would be the headquarters of the AntiSports. Moreso.

As I lamented the extreme lack of music on MTV, I discovered an actual CLASSIC channel! Forgetting MTV's mandate, it became clear that Classic means the songs that were HOT fifteen minutes ago. You haven't lived til you hear your tunes on the oldies station.

• While it is possible that the dog sits under other people and gasses them into oblivion, I can only speak for myself. Last time it was so bad that I ran into the kitchen to see if the stove was on. I'm ordering a WWII gas mask  or some SCUBA gear.

Michael Moore, multi-millionaire filmmaker and celebrity*, says that America must be 'Cleansed' of white male privilege.  If he were really serious, he'd cleanse America of Michael Moore's white male privilege.

* I'm against personal attacks. If I weren't against personal attacks, I'd say something like, "...and Famous Fat Person,"

• Quincy Jones took a swing at Taylor Swift recently, saying we need f***ing songs, not hooks. 'A bad song can't be saved by the three best singers in  the world'.
• Go, Quincy! Although this is way late in coming, and probably should have been directed at a previous generation or two, it needed to be said. However, the blame ultimately lies with the record companies. They will only sign and put out garbage for the lowest common denominator. When it starts to sell, all you get is copycats, including the songs, which are written by only a few people. To be fair, Taylor writes her own songs.

Hey, remember that false alarm about the incoming missile in Hawaii?  

It would seem that we have the Original Excuses, and now we have a Report, just made public. For your reading pleasure, the Original Excuses are in blue and the Report Excuses are in red.

The employee hit the wrong button.

The employee misheard something during the drill and believed there was an incoming missile.

The employee made a mistake: we didn't fire him, we reassigned him.

The employee was fired last week.

He was a good employee.

He has been a source of concern to other staffers for over ten years.

We are fed such crap on a daily basis.  Mainstream media lies and/or makes things up routinely. Regardless, all news outlets are owned by six organizations and they print what they're told. When there's an emergency, Damage Control goes into action. Read it again. Boldface lies. Or, if you'd rather, what we heard that day was the truth and this report is full of lies. It's not like you can get the truth anyway.  Remember this next time something big happens. Write it down or record it, then watch the narrative 'evolve'.

• Glee star Mark Salling hanged himself after pleading guilty to child pornography charges. If only more would take the honorable way out.

In case you've booked tickets for that holiday in Poland, be aware that the government has limited Sunday shopping to benefit family life.  Hey, that's just as stupid as some country not allowing car.. or alcohol... ummm... sales.. on Sunday because of.... Blue Laws. Oh.

Special Flying Section

• Astronauts will soon recycle their waste into protein paste. Because you know what they say... Eat shit and fly.

Eighty five plumbers headed from Norway to Germany got unlucky when their plane was forced to return to Norway. Because of a broken toilet. 

I will now ruin the hilarity by telling you that the repair needed to be done outside the plane and no one would volunteer. Or the airline couldn't afford their rates.

• United Airlines, who shares Adolph Hitler's publicist, declined a woman's emotional support animal. She even purchased a second ticket, but United refused to let her emotional support peacock on the plane. In a statement, United said they explained this to the lady three times before they arrived at the airport.
• Something tells me they're really not going to like my emotional support elephant.

Best Headline: Dems panic over avalanche of good economic news...

• I hate it in PA. In the summer, you have to get the ice cream home before it melts. Tonight the ice cream was just fine, but the cereal froze.

PTSD from Something That Never Happened

Remember the Grammys? I don't, largely because I don't watch them. It's been way too frustrating for a long long time... have you heard what wins them? Apparently Adele won something over Beyonce. CNN and others have said this is due to racism.

Racism.

The sheer stupidity of this is immeasurable.

But then again, when you think of it, they might have a point.

After all, Jimi Hendrix is dead. If that doesn't prove racism, nothing does.

• In a move no one saw coming, Greatest Leader Kim Jong-un's half-brother, Kim Jong-nam (no relation to Viet-nam), heir apparent to the throne, has died. Or rather, had help dying, in Malaysia. He upset South Korea a few times in the past and Kim Jong-un apparently hasn't forgotten. The dude is hardcore - assassinating his own brother.

If you tap the buttons too fast on a Volkswagen's touchscreen, you can crash the display. This was a cut-and-paste error that fell into place when they put in the program that 'hid' the small emissions cheat that cost them more than the collective salaries of small countries. Or something.

• I experienced several of the most frustrating days ever at my workplace this week. I don't know how to accurately describe it, so here's a timeline:
• DAY 1
• a device was installed and misconfigured.
• I was called to reconfigure it
• Office 1 ordered the job for Office 2 (mine)
• spent an entire day trying to get adapters and cables for the job, ultimately failing, due to lack of hardware and inability to install software because the computer is rightfully locked down for security reasons.
• Office 1 overnights the correct adapter, which should exist everywhere.
• Day 2
• I wait for the adapter to be delivered
• [11:30] adapter delivered
• [11:35] adapter plugged in
• [11:40] located driver software for adapter (that I am not allowed to install)
• [11:45] open chat window with Helpdesk Dude to install software. He's not at his desk.
• [12:15] open chat window with second Helpdesk Dude, who is also not at his desk. I firmly believe that Helpdesk Dudes have a special program that tells everyone they're not at their desk or busy when they call, by default, so no one will ask them to do anything or yell at them because they can't do their work until they get some assistance.
• [1:00] Helpdesk Dude 1 is back at his desk and ignoring me, per departmental mandate
• [1:15] Helpdesk Dude 2 is back at his desk, but whoops... he's away again
• [2:00] I emailed Office 1 to let them know I'm still sitting there, waiting for help. He does something very interesting (and possibly illegal) to Helpdesk Dude 1, who is suddenly very anxious to help me out and apologizes for not getting to me hours earlier.
• [2:03] adapter is ready to go
• [2:05] configure software: the directions for idiots is made for different idiots and covers the wrong version of the software. I have to feel my way around to configure it.
• [2:15] Long trek to the device to be configured. Plug in - connect first time! Fail to log in. Fail to log in again. Call Office 1 - oops.. they changed the password. No, they can't tell me - they have to email. And I have to run back to the desk to get the email.
• [2:25] Log into device. Fail again. Call Office 1 again - they suggest capitalizing some letters and changing some numbers. POOF - I'm in [cue angels singing over heavenly music].
• [2:27] Device configured and tested! The entire operation was for these two minutes. That's it.
• [2:30] Get call from Office 1: did I configure it correctly - they can't see it. Why yes, I did. And I tested it. Guess I'll have to go back to it again.
• [2:35] Device remains configured properly. Call Office 1, who says to check with someone/anyone to make sure settings he gave me are correct. I stand up and my shoelace spontaneously unties itself, like a tiny explosion at my foot.
• [2:40] Find someone/anyone, who indicates everything is correct.
• [2:45] Back at device, look carefully and discover that the device was never correctly plugged into the network. Someone/anyone indicates he needs correct paperwork to get the device plugged in correctly.
• [2:50] Office 1 indicates that the paperwork was submitted a while ago and to forward this information to someone/anyone. Emailed this information, with a request to let me know when it's correctly plugged in.
• [One day later] I have not received confirmation that the device was plugged in correctly, per yesterday's email. My eyeballs start looking at each other and my stomach sends out Morse Code to Office 1.
• This is Work. This happens every time I need to get something done. It's like the Army, but worse. It's a small wonder I don't develop symptoms of Postal Worker Rage and mow down my coworkers. Due to the sounds of silence and snoring, most might not realize it.

Japanese game arcades now feature gamified urinals. Isn't that nice? You don't have to give up on that stream of endorphins and adrenaline when you are forced to leave your seat to pee. This is why the Japanese won the war...

• Wow.. a guy in a Tesla observed a Volkswagen Passat swerving all over the place on the Autobahn. After the car bounced off the guardrail a few times, he noticed the driver was unconscious. He pulls his Tesla in front of the Passat, allows the VW to tap his bumper, and manages to pull both cars to a stop. This man defines "hero".
• Elon Musk, Tesla inventor, steps up to say that all repairs on the Tesla will be free and expedited. It was a good day all around. Hopefully the Passat driver is ok.

UK Spying

The UK government has voted itself a new spying bill that's positively draconian in scope. Nicknamed the Snooper's Charter, it requires providers to keep your browsing history for a year. The information will be available, without a warrant, to the Usual Suspects, plus such important State Security entities as the Gambling Commission.

While this is another step in the lack of privacy landslide in the UK, the US and other countries would be well-served to keep their eyes on its progress. The UK seems to be a testing ground of sorts for Bad Anti-Privacy Laws.

That said, this article features some really good information for everyone to protect their communications, like Signal messenger, Tor, and VPNs. Even if you're not planning to take security seriously, read it and familiarize yourself with the situation.

• In case you were kept awake at night, wondering what is the cause for male homosexuality, your answer is here. [Hint: ghosts]

I realize 2016 isn't over yet, but this headline is in the running for best of the year: Are White People Promoting Homosexuality as a Means of Undermining the Black Struggle?

• Speaking of 2016, and I wish we weren't, we bid farewell to some larger than life people in their fields: Greg Lake and John Glenn. Remember the good old days, when rock stars would die of drug overdoses? Now it's cancer. Emerson, Lake and Palmer: and then there was one.

With the rise in Utter Nonsense that is Fake News, remember this: Fake News is anything that particular person does not want you to read. The irony of Hillary warning about Fake News is strong: her administration fed Fake News to the media. In spite of this, Trump won.

• This morning I asked the dog that since he's so smart, why doesn't he let himself outside and back in. He replied that he's so smart he has us do it for him.  Can't argue.

Do you have a Netgear R6400, R7000, R8000 (go check - I'll wait). If you do, turn it the hell off and replace it or wait til Netgear releases a fix. The article linked will tell you how to check to see if your router is vulnerable. The routers look like little spaceships from some new space-horror movie, with lots of antennae.

• Important Stuff you missed over the weekend: nothing.

Remember the Colonial Theater? It's the place where The Blob was filmed. It's been totally redone and is a delightful place to see a movie or concert. They just let me know that if I'm 70 or older, my IRA distributions can benefit the theater, but only tax-deferred gifts of up to $100,000. Drat - if I were only 70 or older...

• I need to stop this entry right now for a very important bulletin: the Opera browser was split off into another one called Vivaldi. In the latest version, you can now select themes! But wait... as if that weren't enough, you can schedule the time for the theme to change! Vivaldi works on most operating systems, for your convenience.

I received an email, asking to evaluate a course I took. They asked fifteen minutes of my time. In acknowledging my time, they said that every tenth evaluator would win a t-shirt with their logo.  I was never a math star, but with their courses starting at $300, I'm thinking of holding out for maybe a t-shirt AND some pocket lint.

• Kentucky Fried Chicken, hereafter referred to as KFC (or WTF), has admitted that their Colonel's Club has suffered a breach, 'possibly' exposing 1.2 million customers' details. WHAT? Did any of us know that there's a Colonel's Club at KFC? A loyalty program for greasy, heart attack inducing deep fried grease bits? No wonder this country's in trouble.

Speaking of the Irrepressibly Stupid, the UN has declared Wonder Woman as the ambassador for empowering women. As if that weren't Stupid enough, feminist outrage stepped right in, within microseconds, and demanded a stop be put to this travesty for a few reasons: she is a fictional character who wears thigh high boots and exposed cleavage (because Mother Teresa was unavailable for the position), she is too white, closely associated with the American flag, and "not culturally sensitive." This proves that the UN is a ridiculous, useless organization (in case we didn't already know this) and that feminists are a ridiculous parody of themselves (in case we didn't already know this). Perhaps we should all get together, at KFC, and find common ground.

I learned some Good Stuff growing up. My mother did a pretty good job. In grade school, I noticed some of my friends really didn't like black people. This was confusing and low-class to us, even in our mostly white neighborhood. It occurred to me that - hey... racism is learned. I also saw a small amount of antisemitism, also flowing down, but nowhere near as prevalent as the racism. The few Jewish kids in the 'hood were sometimes harangued by the parents of their friends, although it didn't seem to be a problem in school.

Fast forward to The Online Age, where everyone you don't like is Literally Hitler. As a merrymaker, I have seen comics do really funny things with Hitler, especially Monty Python (who could make cardboard hilarious). There were a few features of his that invited poking and I do like to poke.

Everything online is obviously a reflection of Real Life<tm>, to some degree; so I see a lot of Hitler references, 99.9% of them intended to beat down someone's speech or point. With the Hitler references are the Jew references. At first they were kinda funny. Then no so much. After a while I realized that there were groups of people who really, seriously did not like Jews, blaming them for everything from retail sales issues to a secret plot to ruin the world. The 'watchdog' agency, the Anti-Defamation League (ADL), may have done some good in the past but right now they're a ridiculous parody of themselves, pointing their finger and screaming "ANTISEMITE" at everything and everyone. Kinda like the Black Lives Matter and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Recently I've run into some really bad examples of humanity online. They don't necessarily leap out, screaming, "JEWS! JEWS! JEWS DID IT!" but they're pretty close. It's a bit unnerving being around these people, even online. I see a lot more of this than overt racism, but it might be the places I visit.

Also popping up is the White Genocide movement. These guys are also a bit different. They seem to feel that movements to let foreigners in the country is white genocide. I think. They'll be the first to say White Lives Matter (all lives matter, even the Stupid). I'm sure they have a few points in their favor but I haven't studied the platform.

My first instinct is to block these people or not visit these sites. But Howard Stern, bastion of civility, taught everyone a lesson. One of his recurring guests was the KKK Guy. Howard kept him front and center and took a lot of heat for it. In my mind, Howard exposed his enemy and kept him front and center, where millions of people could see what he was up to and realize that, yes, this ugliness still exists.  So I no longer block any of this nonsense, preferring to see it for what it is. While the ADL has become a ridiculous parody of itself, I suppose some of it bears watching (by all of us).  And of course, this will be blamed on Trump, as if he personally gave out licenses to these folks. Regardless, we enjoy free speech and I'll fight for anyone's right to it.

Watch where you hang out, virtually or in Real Life<tm>.

Using the (V)agina Card

Big Pharma is working tirelessly on a female Viagra.
Before you go off wondering how far I'm going to go with this, I must assure you this is purely medical (almost).

It would seem that there's a campaign to get the FDA to approve flibanserin, a female Viagra. The campaign is comprised of women's groups and, strangely enough, the developer of flibanserin. The claim is that the FDA has a gender bias, in approving twenty six Erectile Dysfunction drugs for men and none for women.

On its surface, this looks like a legitimate claim. Spend a few more seconds with me and we'll see if we have the same opinion.

As it turns out, flibanserin has been studied and rejected twice by the FDA, due to the side-effects outweighing the benefits.

But it's gender-related, right?

This week, the FDA will consider flibanserin for the third time (due to pressure from these groups?).

Other women's groups say the above groups are making a mockery of the FDA approval process. Sounds about right to me.

Let's face it... reality would dictate that we need Big Pharma to come up with drugs that work and are marginally safe. If this were to happen, odds are the FDA would approve them (bribes and powerful friends help - think aspartame). The potential sales of this kind of pill would be in the billions of dollars. Do you think for a moment Big Pharma isn't working on it (aside from the above-mentioned political ploy)?

I'm all for a solution for women - I'd just prefer it to be a safe one.

=====================================

A woman who married her female partner last year without first divorcing her husband has pleaded guilty to bigamy and other charges in Virginia.

• bigamy: one wife too many
• monogamy: same

====================================

Speaking of cards, I need one. I need one simple card or phrase I can pull out to deflect all criticims.  Black people can use the R-card (racism), Jews have the A-card (antisemitism) and, as you see above, women have the V-card. Now that I have completely alienated the NAACP, the ADL and most (if not all) women, let's get down to business.

I don't fit into any of the accepted minority groups. In fact, as a white male, I'm considered responsible for most of the world's ills. So you see, I need my own card.  I'm thinking the L-card. Yes, left-handed rights! Lately the press is full of people bemoaning the lack of women in tech (funny, I've always worked with women), demanding and setting up programs to recruit women in tech.

This raises yet another bugaboo: equal opportunity regulations. Forgetting for a moment the libertarian belief that the government has no business messing with business, do we need these kinds of laws? My personal belief is that the most qualified candidate should get the job, period.  Let's think about this a second.... Man #1 qualifies for the local police, with a score of 92 on his entrance exam. Woman #1 is hired due to EEOC regulations, with a score of 79.  Do you want your police to have the 'correct' amount of minorities on the force or the highest-scoring test-takers? They may be at odds with each other.

From now on, whenever something doesn't go my way, I shall whip out (uh-oh) and use the L-card. Not hired? That's dexterism. Passed over for a promotion? It's obviously because they gave my less-qualified right-handed colleague the job. I demand the EEOC enact regulations requiring a certain amount of dexterously-correct hires. A quota of southpaws. A lorry of lefties. A sack of sinisters. A sizable stack of satan's spawn. Lefty Rights!

And now even more people can hate me!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A senior official in the Malaysian state of Sabah blamed naked tourists for the deadly quake of 6/5/15. Yes, Joseph Pairin Kitingan says this tragedy is connected to a group of Western tourists who recently posed nude on the peak and allegedly cursed at a local guide for trying to prevent them from stripping. Mr Pairin says the tourists made the spirits of the mountain angry.

This brings to mind the fellow who said that abortion was responsible for earthquakes in Mexico.

And now we know.

P.S. The world has yet to come up with a slur exclusively for Malaysians. I suspect they may be feeling left out.

 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I just read an article stating undercover DHS testing revealed that 95% of items could be smuggled through airport security. Read that again: ninety five percent of screeners failed.

The article took a somewhat surprised tone. I just shook my head.. from the beginning I have stated that Homeland Security is Security Theater.  Security Theater is a program staged for the benefit of its viewers but without any serious thought toward its stated purpose.  Another example is the Patriot Act. The FBI and various letter agencies have admitted that the illegal interception of ALL of our data has not stopped one single case of 'terrorism' (Admitted Security Theater). Despite this, our president, McConnell and the always entertaining Feinstein are demanding the Patriot Act be reinstated. Constitutional rogues and political failures.

Do we really need the government protecting us like this? At the cost of our liberties?

The TUNE SPOT

When you're an instrumentalist and people who aren't musicians respond to your playing and songs, you're doing it correctly. Few do it more correctly than Eric Johnson.  Hailing from Austin, TX (like Stevie Ray Vaughan), Eric plays like no other and has sent many a guitar player back to his solitary room to practice and practice and practice again. He has speed, tone, and phrasing down.

Few guitarists win a Grammy award, but Eric did in 1991 for Best Rock Instrumental Performance. The song is Cliffs of Dover. I have even heard it on Rock radio stations. This is the live version, because it's faithful to the studio version and it gives you an idea of what he's like live and the things he can do. Here's Zap, from the same concert in Austin. Here's a concert in 1997, at LA's House of Blues.

Mrs. lefty and I stood almost at Eric's feat for a show in Philly. Most recently we saw him on the Experience Hendrix tour of 2014. Mrs. lefty was spellbound and loves listening to his songs. You will too (my advice is worth exactly what you're paying for it).