Frosting a Cake with a Paper Knife

A very common story told by people who have technically died and come back, is the Near Death Experience (NDE).  You know the story... traveling down a long hallway toward the light.. or a garden where your late relatives are waiting for you.

Sit down for a moment.
Stop the external and internal noise.
Go into the dark, maybe to the light, maybe a local light.
Are your friends and relatives there? Which ones?
What is their message, if any?
Think about it.



My wife experienced it.
She was up on the ceiling looking down.
Saw dead relatives.
They told her it's not time - go back.
Fortunately she did.


You're free to poo-poo it. You can tell me it's hypoxia and they're hallucinating (except they all seem to hallucinate the same thing).  It's a thought exercise. You don't even have to believe it's real.

• Things are going relatively well, in that I haven't heard more about the alpacas.

Parents are weird.

Even the most rational of parents have interesting little quirks.

My parents have some rather huge ones.

They're going on vacation, which is wonderful and we're all jealous. A family tradition is to take family to the airport. 

But not my parents. They leave early.

Early?

A day early.

From the airport?

No, but near the airport.

My mother, who can tell you who is about to call before the phone rings, likes to sleep at a hotel by the airport so they can get on the plane in the morning. To this day, no one understands why. I am the reason for many odd things she does, but I'm not owning this one.

• heard on tv: The Lesbian Cheering Squad is his latest picture.

The Pentagon has issued a directive restricting the use of fitness trackers and other devices at sensitive locations or high risk war zones.   The reason for this is that they got caught using the devices that divulged their location. In other words, nobody had an inkling that these devices could cause a problem, until it was pointed out in public. Then a directive was issued.

How long has ThermionicEmissions been warning about these devices? Please don't tell me one low level security d00d outdid the Pentagon by going ahead in his time machine and seeing what was going to happen. What clairvoyance! It's almost like he IS the future.

Seriously, folks.... we know the govt is a humongous monolithic organization that gets nothing done overnight (or century - you've worked at large corporations), but this....  this was not hiding in some black corner of the Dark Web, in back of Hitler's Rolls, under the picture of J. Edgar Hoover in full dress. This was a huge, beaconing, genuine emergency, visible to anyone who took a minute to think about safety and privacy.  I don't expect Joe Consumer would spend much time on this, but it shouldn't require a Serious Security Professional Prognosticator to check the Magic IT Ball to see the future.

These are the folks who protect our nation. Who spin up unbelievably huge new departments to help 'protect' us, at a cost exceeding the GNPs of most countries combined. You know better than to get me started on the result of this (TSA), right? Smile when you read your pay stub and see what you're paying for this.

This could be the harbinger of Bad Things in the armed forces. Wait - let me check my time machine.... fwwwwwip - yup, this is not going to be pretty.  Within the next few years, the Pentagon will restrict 'checking in' to Afghanistan location apps and posting your lattitide/longitude on Faceyspaces. No selfies of you in the sand on Instagram. And NO tweeting your location if you're in a country 'helping its leaders to better position the upcoming vote'. 

If this sort of thing is allowed to continue, it will no longer be fun to be in the military!


The Pentagon is welcome to contact me for consulting, but I'll save them a lot of money by having the NSA pass along what they gather from reading this blog. It's win-win. I get to blog, they get free warnings, and I get to help my country.

HONEY.... it's the phone... the Pentagon's calling again...

• a top supplier of iDevices had to shut down for a bit because of ransomware all over their network.  I told you iDevices are dangerous!

According to F-Secure, spam is through the roof because of the demise of Adobe Flash. Because people aren't using Flash, the criminals' pickings aren't as easy, so they turn to spam.  Here's the best part: long ago I was told that spam was so prevalent because 10% of its recipients clicked on it. Last year it was 13.4% and so far this year, it's at 14.2%. I often lament the fact that we're so incredibly stupid. I truly hoped that with time and knowledge, we'd become less stupid. That was stupid of me. We're spreading our stupid deeper and wider than ever before. We're actually getting more stupid. Not only do we not learn, we flatly refuse to, in favor of growing more stupid. But how stupid can we get, you ask? Don't ask, I say... they will never let you down.

• If you want to go against what security people say and insist on using public wifi, here are some tips to keep yourself relatively safe.

Overheard from an equipment vendor: "Our security team said we are not allowed to use the WiFi in our hotel room during this hacking convention, so I am running to the lobby to answer some emails."

We are doomed.

• They say, whoever they are, that our mind wants to see patterns in something we don't understand, so that's why we see things that aren't there. I wonder if this goes for the ears... The television is usually on at a volume which allows it to be heard in most of Australia, so I'm forever yelling COULD YOU TURN IT DOWN A BIT - AT LEAST TO AFRICA? I was just about to yell again, when I saw the tv was off. This means I'm hearing a tv that isn't on. The technical term for this is auditory hallucination. The technical remedy is antipsychotics. After too long or too many, one starts to sound like Ozzy Osbourne and shake a lot. I'd prefer to think my ears want to hear patterns.
• And that, my friends, is how babies are made.

COWORKER FOLLIES

HIM: This list has the information you want

ME: Do you remember the site for that information?

HIM: Whaddaya mean - the list?

ME: The site where it resides

HIM: On the list. Let me take a picture of the list and text it to you

ME: WHERE THE DEVICE LIVES, where it is plugged into power, where it sits behind a door, its location, where it gets a network plug, where it blinks its lights, where people go to fix it when it breaks, DID YOU LEAVE YOUR MEDICINE HOME AGAIN TODAY?

Frosting a cake with a paper knife... refers to a very old tv commercial for canned icing. It's so moist, you can spread it with a paper knife. Then she does. This was satirized by Frank Zappa in 'Flakes':

I am a moron and this is my wife
She's frosting a cake with a paper knife....

The World IS Ending: lefty Evaluates the iPad

Anyone who knows me or reads the blog knows how much I love Apple, Steve Jobs, the drooling fanboys and the products Apple produces.  iHoles, the lot of them.

As it turns out, I'm the lone Android tablet user at work.  Since I'm kinda responsible for security, the boss thought it would be a good idea for me to take a look.  Actually, he thinks he's going to convert me, so I let him believe whatever he wants to.  He's the boss, right?

After weeks and weeks and weeks, the unit finally arrived.  It appears that Apple refused to sell us a certain model of iPad and we had to wait until there were other models available.

Following several sets of instructions and applying the Guess Method at certain points, I got the device registered.  Note that this does not reflect on Apple: this would be the fault of our supplier and us.  Naturally there is no one around to ask for assistance.

The first thing I do with any device is poke around the settings.  This is where I started getting nervous. From a privacy standpoint, there appears to be an incredible amount of data leakage to Apple, at very least.  This was confirmed by one of the fanboys here.  When he found out I got an iPad, he suggested I just save the company money and give it back right away because I was going to hate it.  Funny, he was the same one who, last week, kept telling me to embrace change and come over to the Dark Side<tm>.  He suggested jailbreaking immediately.

My immediate question was how to get data onto the device.  Fanboy said there is no way to install music but iTunes.  This is not acceptable.  My device, my music, my storage.  I do not want to ask Steve Jobs' permission every time I want to put music on my tablet.  No idea how to put non-music data  on- everyone seems to use Dropbox or something similar.

Since email is a rather important item, I went to configure it.  Oops, I need a data plan, in spite of the Verizon icon.  Again, my company, not Apple.   It's most fortunate that we are considering this a test run (because we failed).  In fact, the test run has been halted because the vendor messed things up royally.

Back to the unit itself.  Let me say some positive things, ok?  The battery life far exceeds my android tablet (which isn't fair, as there's something wrong with the android or its battery).  It was easy to understand and operate.  People don't instantly grok 4-5 finger gestures so it should probably be mentioned somewhere.  Personally, I say a lot with a simple one-finger gesture.

I located the market and did some browsing.  It sure costs a lot to operate one of these things.. the great majority of android programs are free, including the ones that Apple charges for.  Since Apple is known to musicians, I went to that section.  There were a ton of guitar magazine apps, a few of which I downloaded free.  Each was an invitation to subscribe.  Uninstalled.  I located a few tv apps, which led to questioning why I can watch episodes of such great shows as Billy the Exterminator and Hoarders on the iPad when I couldn't watch them on my android.

Let's Talk iTunes

I asked around.  Apparently it's near impossible to get content to the device without iTunes.  Sorry, kids; I will not be held hostage by a large, bloated digital rights management scheme masquerading as a content transfer app.  My ever-helpful coworkers pointed out that I could always import my already-purchased music into iTunes and transfer it to the pad.

Why?

Apple has no need to know what content I have, especially the content I did not purchase from them.  What a crock of excrement.  The privacy leakage is obscene across the entire device and there is very little available in terms of stopping it.

The same helpful coworkers told me they use Dropbox for transfer outside of iTunes.  Great... another cloud solution... Another unsafe alternative to keeping content on your own device.

One assistive friend said I `really needed to buy into the entire Apple ecosystem'.  That was by far the best quote on the topic.

If I keep the device, I will use one of the apps that functions as transport and media player.  Emailing myself docs will have to suffice.  Jailbreaking is probably in my future.


Interface

As promised and harped upon, the entire interface is a no-brainer.  I found everything and figured out a few things not noted.  My wife operated it with no difficulties.  My best friend's aging mother has no trouble with it.  The only slight niggle is the lack of a locking shift key.


Let's face it: I am not Apple's target customer, even though all of the IT professionals around me seem to have consumed the Kool Aid.  There will be no iPhone for me.  I'm not even sure how long I'll have the iPad (I prefer the android, thank you).

In Summary

I want to be as fair as possible in this evaluation, especially considering my great love for all things Apple.  Aside from small bits of frustration that one would have with any device, the iPad user interface is just fine.  The hardware is just fine.  It's just the entire Apple experience that drives me up a tree.  If you could plug this device into any computer and it would act like a storage device, there would be little to complain about.  Apple is downright linux-hostile, which needs to change.

All in all, I prefer the android.  It does what it does better, with tons more variety, control and choice available.  No surprise there.

Brand New from Apple!

Get it now - iCancer.

Steve has it - why shouldn't you?

Apple is stepping up production on an emergency basis - they don't know if they'll be able to fulfill all the expected orders for iCancer.

[Photo of hordes of the faithful, lined up in Apple Position (supplication, wallet outstretched)]

The executive board of Apple met last night to decide when to offer iCancer: now or later.  Stock is expected to go through the roof if anything unfortunate should happen to Steve.

All over the country, CEO's are scrambling to get iCancer.  Special dispensation has been granted to allow an early preview for Bill Gates.

Purchase iCancer through the Apple Software Store (as if you could get it anywhere else).  Remember - any other form of cancer isn't iCancer.
DRM is checked via DNA.
Directly from His pancreas to yours!
Get all sorts of skins!

Don't forget iCancer Portable - now for iPhones and iPads.
iCancer available on iPad Touch only with $250 iMelanoma upgrade.

Remember - if you don't have an iPhone, you don't have iCancer.

Warning: do not use iCancer in high radiation areas or near medical testing facilities.  If iCancer lasts more than four hours, consult a physician.  Do not fold, spindle, or duplicate without the express written consent of Steve Ballmer.  If your iDevice survives iCancer, you will be charged full price for another copy.  Has anybody seen the bridge?

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Best wishes to Steve Jobs on his health.