Definitely Maybe

Bohemian Rhapsody celebrates its 40th birthday on October 31.  Queen guitarist Brian May still rocks out to it in his car. How was it made? I'm glad you asked. From Freddie's concept to the stages of recording to video to radioplay to live performance, it's a great story.

• Somebody call Goodyear!  A $2.7 billion Department of Defense unmanned blimp got loose and floated over Pennsylvania for a few hours (and when I say 'got loose', I mean it got confirmed shot down). The purpose of the balloon is to detect a missile attack, although Spy Machine is certainly another mission. To keep things interesting, the steel mooring cable dragged along for the ride, shorting out power wherever it went along the way. A recent investigation by the Baltimore Sun found the program "hobbled by defective software, vulnerability to bad weather and poor reliability." Apparently this is not a new phenomenon - they have gotten loose in Afghanistan on a number of occasions. IT'S COMING FOR US. AND OUR WALLETS!

A West Virginia [uh-oh] assistant prosecuting attorney has been suspended for pulling a pistol on fake spiders decorating his office. In my professional capacity as an amateur blogger, I suggest that this man's meds be re-evaluated.

• lefty has a credit card with a $5,000 limit. lefty has run smack into the limit. lefty calls the credit card company and negotiates, over seven days, a new limit of $7,500. lefty fully plans to spend up to the new limit and start the entire routine again in six months, claiming he'll pay his balance down (with a wink).  Congratulations! lefty has just explained the national debt and what Congress just did in passing its 'budget'.

There is now a Zombie Disease.  Called Cotard's Syndrome, it makes a person think they're dead. Why the hell can't we have a disease that makes people stop taking selfies? Where Cotard's makes people think they have no brain, the new syndrome installs a proper-size brain. Come to think of it, I used to walk up to automatic doors and they wouldn't open. I wonder if I'm a zombie....

• An Italian doctor has been suspended from practicing in the UK after failing an English language test. In America, we promote them.

Apparently the Chinese targeted Anthem Healthcare to learn about US healthcare.  What's there to learn? Pay a lot of money to a huge corporation with solid political ties. The corporation then tries (and succeeds) not to pay a single cent in compensation. What's so complicated?

•   Hundreds of immigrant families caught illegally crossing the Mexican border told U.S. immigration agents they made the dangerous journey in part because they believed they would be permitted to stay in the United States and collect public benefits, according to internal intelligence files from the Homeland Security Department.

The school president of the University of Louisville, KY, has apologized for staff wearing Hispanic halloween costumes.  Apparently putting on a sombrero is racist and the entire staff now has to take diversity training. Colleges now designating Halloween costume sensitivity consultants.  Scottish Diversity Committee has decreed a no-kilt policy.  Jewish Anti-defamation League forbids rabbi costumes. Paranormal Response Group says NO GHOSTS.  ACLU is suing, claiming bias against witches and pagans in general. Muslims offended over birkas. Christians say ignore halloween. In fact, the only group that isn't complaining is the American Dental Association.

In other news, Walmart has its own SWAT team to prevent 'embarrassing' Halloween costumes from hitting the shelves.

• Robot buses are coming to America!  The only question is how they will get the buses to drive as poorly as human bus drivers. Can you program a bus to go through a red light?  The buses are made in France, so at least they'll be full of disdain for American bus-riders.

It's better to burn out than it is to rust?  My wife came to me, in an upset state, to inform me that our stove was rusting. Of course our stove was rusting - it's been so quiet lately. Technically she's correct; that little panel under the display has rust spots. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? Well, you can take it off, scrape and sand the entire thing down and repaint it, perhaps in your spare time. As for me, it's on my list, but waaaaaay down at the bottom, under dusting.

• You know that feeling of relief you get when you drive through an intersection and the light changes, but you made it ok?  Relief always turns to outrage when you check your rearview mirror and find that another car went right through the light and is just about inside your trunk. Bastards!

China wishes to remind its citizens that the new Two Child Policy goes into effect in March, therefore the One Child Policy is in effect until then. American math, hopefully similar to Chinese math, indicates that prospective parents can start fucking now: whatever arrives will do so after March.

• Japan and Korea have agreed to accelerate talks to resolve a row about Korean women forced to work in Japanese brothels during World War Two. Reportedly, Japan has offered to return them to Korea no later than this weekend.

Hacking group Anonymous is planning to reveal the identities of 1,000 KKK members, as obtained from the Twitter account of a clan member.  Wait - the KKK has computers?

• Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own. Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone - Joe Walsh, Certain Situations.

Hero of the Great Unwashed, Mark Dice, has another video, this time asking Hillary supporters if they support Sharia (Muslim) law in the US. And you know they do....

PRIVACY:  A popular iDevice encryption app has just been released for android.  I figure if Edward Snowden uses it, it should be good enough for me. It's called Signal and is available from the Play Store.  I'll assume none of us has information that's so critical it needs to be encrypted. But this isn't about criticality; this is about the right to privacy.. the right to NOT have your communications intercepted and put in a file somewhere for future use. I'm using it now.

Definitely Maybe?
My hero, Jeff Beck, released Definitely Maybe way back in 1972, on the Jeff Beck Group album. This is a wonderful instrumental. The thing that really does it for me, theme aside, is the multiple guitar tracks during the 'verse'. The way they're stacked and play off each other is really interesting and musically satisfying; for lack of better term, well-orchestrated (specifically at the end). It is also the only known (to me) use of a slide with a wah pedal.  The more than able keyboardsmanship comes courtesy of Max Middleton, who did most of the keyboards up to about Blow by Blow. Great stuff - it's a shame he's not with Jeff Today. As this is from an album, you'll hear a bit of click. Enjoy!

Dog Training

I Identify as an Octopus

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


The Chinese, fresh from their attacks on the Office of Personnel Management and United Airlines, decided to hack Kim Kardashian. They quickly realized that there's nothing there.

• Listening to music before, during and after an operation reduces pain. Unless it's Miley Cyrus.

An Australian doctor suggests people consider the diets of Holocaust victims if they want to lose weight. Also suggests people consider the flight of Amelia Earhart if they want to vacation.

• The first case of cyber-flashing has occurred in England. A woman traveling on a train in south London had two pictures of an unknown man's penis appear on her iPhone. Yes, Apple comes to the rescue again with its Airdrop sharing function. The lady had forgotten to turn it off, allowing picture transfer. I am assigning the blame to three parties:

1. to the lady for not turning off Airdrop
2. to the flasher for not even bothering to let the lady know whose penis it was
3. to Apple because everyone knows ThermionicEmissions doesn't do iDevices

The federal government has amassed $2,672,414,000,000 in federal taxes (10 months through fiscal 2015), which comes out to $17,955 per taxpayer. In spite of this bald-faced thievery, there is a $465.5 billion deficit. Mad yet? How much of your money goes to other countries, the military-industrial complex, black budget projects, corporate welfare and general government malfeasance?  ADDITIONAL: the debt has been frozen for 150 days because DC hasn't managed to RAISE the debt ceiling yet again.

• Chelsea Manning, (formerly known as Bradley) is in trouble. While Bradley (stay with me - it's complicated), he exposed government secrets. As with all whistleblowers under this most transparent of administrations, he got thrown in jail.  Now she has been thrown in indefinite solitary confinement because of expired toothpaste and a copy of Vogue magazine with Caitlyn Jenner on it. Expired toothpaste? C'mon guys - couldn't you come up with something more creative (like one ply toilet paper instead of two)? As for Vogue, I believe anybody with a copy of Caitlyn Jenner on anything should be thrown into solitary.

The EPA continues to be very sorry about dumping three million gallons of toxic orange sludge into the Animas River in Colorado. In an effort to prove that the water was no longer orange, the mayor had a swim in the river. In unrelated news, the mayor of Colorado's eyebrows (and nipples) have fallen off.

• While typing up this nonsense, I have come to wonder if an italic period looks different from a regular period.

I don't think I'm getting the hang of this texting thing. Sure, I can type dirty words at my wife, but my next door neighbor at work, ten feet away, sends me texts all day.  Not entirely understanding why the gentleman can't simply ask me using his voice (an outdated technology?) so I guess it's me... Small wonder he goes through girlfriends like my wife goes through Coca-Cola (she has a real drinking problem).

• Just when you thought Selfie Culture couldn't get any weirder, news comes from Russia of an online groups that encourages taking selfies with the dead and posting them for prizes. Hey Bob - good composition (decomposition?). Nice makeup. Your picture really stiffed. That store looked awfully dead.  Must've been cold as a morgue in there. That shot really shows the rigors of mortis. Was he waving? Was she freshly dead? Did you have to beat off the necrophiliacs for a shot? Sorry, I'm just killing today.

The Rev Al Sharpton has called on black churches to lobby in favor of the Iran deal. As Frank Zappa said, "Tax the churches". [RIP]

• Half of the young people in the UK say they're not 100% heterosexual. Three quarters have bad teeth. A gay fellow I know gets mad when you talk about bisexuals. He says they're just lazy and haven't decided which team they're on.

A Canadian firm has been granted a patent on a space elevator that will reach 12.4 miles up. This is not the elevator to get stuck behind when a frisky couple decides on some Love in an Elevator.

• Oracle's Chief Security Officer wrote a first class rant about why security experts shouldn't be finding vulnerabilities in her products. Meanwhile, Microsoft is beating itself about the head and shoulders, wondering why it didn't come up with this first.

I love to hear what other countries think of us Ugly Americans. Read what the Brits have to say about our obsession with Food on a Stick. This coming from a country where boiled food is the height of cuisine.

• The Price of Perfection: Sofia Vergara, official pinup of ThermionicEmissions, laments her 32Fs losing their perkiness and wants implants. I'll be the judge of that.

A recent study on young women in sports has brought about a new disorder: Female Athlete Triad Syndrome. It's largely the same as malnutrition but needed its own name because people in sports like to feel Special. What the namers completely failed to anticipate is the effects of referring to women as FATS.

VAN HALEN

Van Halen's on the road now, with original Three Ring Circus Master of Ceremonies David Lee Roth. But Van Halen is only tangentially related - their opening act is Kenny Wayne Shepherd. KWS (only complete idiots are allowed to refer to him this way) is an incredibly serious bluesman. You can tell because he's from the south, where you need to use your middle name to indicate your mastry of the instrument (Stevie Ray Vaughan anybody?). No one without a middle name is taken seriously in Texas.  I'd have a real problem in Texas, largely as I don't even have a last name. Or much talent.

Kenny Wayne was a childhood prodigy who studied at the feet of Stevie Ray Vaughan, sometimes literally. You can't mistake the influence in his blues. Kenny got incredibly more serious and has turned out to be a real fire-breathing bluesman, as well as hitmaker.

I have a connection to Kenny Wayne, believe it or not.  He played a big part in the Experience Hendrix tour, with his band playing in the background and his singer handling the lion's share of the vocals (this guy does not look like he sounds). Our connection stems from his ripping leads, when he stood on his monitor and stared down my wife's shirt. I have never been more proud, in spite of his repeated playing from our side of the stage. We had front-row seats, affording many of the musicians a great view, but only Kenny took the extended opportunity. He was no doubt thinking to himself what a great decision he made, becoming famous, giving him the chance to see a whole bunch of cleavage. I only wish, as compensation, that some of his talent would have rubbed off on me. Oh well, I'll always have cleavage.

Enjoy Deja Voodoo. This is an older clip, featuring his original vocalist, Corey Sterling. Note the excellent guitar faces he makes. This boy was born to be a star.

When I said opening for Van Halen, I wasn't kidding. Check this out, from July 5, 2015. He positively blazes. Notice that at no point does KWS stand on a monitor and look down anyone's shirt. Can he do slow blues? Of course.

Today's Irony Effect

In Atheism We Believe?

It's ok that you want to marry.  We don't care about his color, hobbies, orientation or job.  Just please don't tell us he's an atheist....

According to a survey, atheists are among the most disliked groups in America.

Actually it's ok - we found out it's not their fault... their brains are different.  Note that the question came from Utah....

Crisis - What Crisis?

Hey, did you know the country's in a financial crisis, the likes of which have never been seen before?  In order to disguise this, our friends in Treasury are dipping into federal pension funds to allow President Giveaway the power to create more debt.

Hear the Sea

We can now listen to the sea floor!  The University of Victoria, in Vancouver, set up listening posts so we can hear what's happening.  But, oops... now the US Navy is not happy.  So everyone reached a happy compromise:  all audio is sent directly to the Navy, censored, then returned to the UofV so people can listen.  This is SOPA without even a chance to give input.


Got that glowing feeling?

Been to Bed Bath and Beyond lately?  Quite a large quantity of tissue boxes were produced with Cobalt-60, which is radioactive.  Standing near on of these little beauties for thirty minutes per day will give you the equivalent of several chest x-rays.

The boxes were made in India and shipped to the US, before going to the stores.  At no point was the radiation detected.  Bravo Big Sister!  Way to protect us yet again.


iSuicide?

What happens when Chinese slave labor threatens to throw itself off buildings if it doesn't get a raise?  They get laid off.  Who says the Chinese can't learn from the US?

Heroes of the Stupid

I hope Howard Stern will excuse me for borrowing his line, but if we think about this logically, Howard Stern doesn't really give a burro's rump what I do or say.  Let's talk about the Stupid, using some very recent real-life scenarios.

Before I go there, I want to remind you that it is not (yet) politically incorrect to hate the Stupid, thus branding me a stupidist.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

So Rick Perry, the Texas governor, has received divine advice urging him to run for president.  In other words, this politician has had a break with sanity, wherein he heard voices telling him to run for the highest office in the land.  I'm willing to bet that with his health insurance, he can be treated in any clinic in the country, including the private, exclusive ones.

Every time my wife had to go into the hospital, they asked her if she heard voices.   I understand the medicines have come a long way toward quieting them down.

I have no idea how many of Perry's ilk will cop to hearing voices, but I'd suggest starting as far right as possible and working your way left for maximum efficiency.  Hint: Cain and Bachmann have also admitted divine calling.

Strange Bedfellows?

A coalition including New Yorkers for Constitutional Freedoms and a rabbi filed a lawsuit Monday in an attempt to overturn New York's gay-marriage law.

How much hate do you need in your heart to be part of this?

Before you answer, I'm not one of those people who refer to disagreement or dislike as hate.  This is simply a case of sheer black-heartedness in the Grinchian sense.  Unlike the Grinch, though, these people will not relent.  They will not discover the remains of a blood pumping organ buried way down inside their sternums.  They will persevere, Cheney-like, in their singular mission of forming a theocracy.

I am against gay marriage.   I am also against heterosexual marriage.  But I figure why shouldn't the homos should suffer just like the rest of us?

I am particularly horrified that there is a rabbi involved in this.  I have met a few rabbis.  I am related to Jews.  Never have I come across this level of malignancy.

Owing Great Debt

The news is full of President Giveaway and Boehner stomping about and chest-thumping over a budget.  This is pure theater.

The fact of the matter is that they're going to raise the debt limit and raise taxes, in direct opposition to their words.  This does not fall exactly along the lines of Stupid so much as greed and rampant ass-covering.

A recent news story alerted a few of us to $34 billion misspent on military contractors.  With that story out, plus the trillions acknowledged missing on 9-10-2001, explain again to me why we need to raise the debt limit and taxes.

I maintain that once the government discovers it can reach into your pocket, it never stops.  Reality has shown this to be correct.  The time limit on the debt limit is no surprise.  Again, it's theater.

How do you suppose the debt got that high?  Congress voted to spend it.
Let Congress fix it. 

Until government cuts itself by about eighty percent, we should not have to pay one penny additional.  In fact, we should be paying over eighty percent less or thereabouts.  Yes, those wacky libertarians do have some good ideas sometimes, don't they?

Right now we are a country ridiculously in debt to a private consortium with a public name (the Federal Reserve is neither federal nor a reserve - discuss).  Nothing the joke called Congress does will do anything to fix the situation.  The criminals need to be put where the rest of the criminals are put.

I am responsible for my debts.  I didn't agree to put my country in debt.

The Greatest Football Season Ever in Jeopardy

The NFL has ended the lockout, which means that there could be a football season this year.  I am horribly disappointed.  This season had such potential.....

Feel More of the Love

Afghan militants have hung an eight year old boy because his father refused to give them a police car.

Personally I would have held out for a fire engine.



Do you still wonder why I'm a stupidist?  Wouldn't you like to be a stupidist too?