Your love is like prunes
The 2021 Emmys Were a Thoroughly Modern (Mostly-White, COVID-Unsafe) Disaster
We need a mandate that black shows win Emmys, regardless of whether they deserve it.
In fact, I present next year's Emmy to the new Wonder Years (black version). Is it on yet? Doesn't matter.
Today I identify as a CIS hetero furry
Went to a car show the other day.
There were a lot of cars.
The most wonderful car we saw was a 1990 Buick Roadmaster station wagon, fully loaded, great condition. You could fit a 3rd grade class in there, with room to move your house. I told the owner "SOLD" but he refused. I'm not sure, but I think I saw a coffee maker and fridge in the back.
I prefer to see antique cars, which, in my state, is any car over 25 years. There were a whole bunch of recent Mustangs, hopped up to hell. Not impressed. It was interesting to see 1950s cars hopped up. One had an engine so bright and shiny, it was cleaner than my dining room table - you could eat off it. There was a Studebaker - ever see one? I liked the 50s and some 60s cars that were stock. American cars were the Stuff and we haven't come close since the 80s. Now everything is smaller and bumpy. There was a huge old Lincoln with suicide doors. An incredibly early El Camino.
No car show would be complete without completely irrelevant booths and activities.
They had all sorts of mobile rides, which largely involved getting into a harness and jumping. If you jumped in the right spot, it would vault you directly to the hospital.
There were political booths. Interesting to note that any political signs had the person's name, but not party affiliation. There was also a Tea Party booth... that's odd, although anything's an improvement where I live. There were cheerleaders with a booth, or so Wife tells me. I dare not look in that direction.
Out favorite truck was The Dog Bone Guy. He has all sorts of frozen fresh bones for your dog, as well as cat goodies. He always has a few Bernese Mountain Dogs with him, one laying on a fan. Penny is a huge fan of the bones. Did you know that catnip mellows dogs out?
- 2 injured after ejecting from Navy jet near Fort Worth before crash
- Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.
- It's a plane.
- Hey Jimmy - what's that in your house?
- It's a plane.
"Faceyspaces is the new cigarettes: It's addictive. It's not good for you."
- Researchers Defeated Advanced Facial Recognition Tech Using Makeup
- Yay - one for the people!
- The AI has a bad time with black people. Will makeup make the system work better?
Our local convenience chain (Wawa), which dropped their mask requirement after vaccines, has reinstated the requirement. There is no mention of social distancing.
Pennsylvanian's are serious about their baby showers
HOW SERIOUS ARE THEY?
A fight about gifts broke out at a Pennsylvania baby shower. The expectant father shot 3 guests, police say.- Several streets in Philly were closed for the filming of an Adam Sandler movie.
- The citizens were in a near riot state, threatening to physically unseat the mayor for bringing further disgrace to the city
We went to a flea market, with a small guitar show.
It was said to be under an hour's drive.
With directions and phone in hand, we discovered it was no way near an hour.
In fact, it took two hours.
Two hours and a lot of screaming.
One thing we noticed when we got together was that we agree on most things.
We discovered the only thing we didn't really agree on was directions.
ME: I left the page up with the directions
HER: FSCK YOU.
ME: Huh?
HER: Oh, sorry, I'll copy them down. Now that I've copied them down, can you give me the minutes between directions?
ME: FSCK YOU.
HER: Huh?
ME: Did you miss them when you were copying the directions down?
HER: Never mind - I'll just use my phone.
This is before we've gotten in the car.
HER: This is where you want to get off. Stay to the left, stay to the left.
ME: I am staying to the left.
HER: I just wanted to make sure you stayed to the left.
ME: I heard you.
HER: I was just sayin...
ME: Well maybe you should stop sayin...
ME: Look - there's Forty Foot Road! Do you know the history?
HER: Huh?
ME: Do you know the history of Forty Foot Road?
HER: Where's that?
ME: We're passing it.
HER: Oh.
ME: It's from a time where everything was dirt, like North Philly. They managed to put together forty feet of actual road.
HER: Really?
ME: No. But you know you're out of the city when you cross Forty Foot Road.
HER: You're a dick.
ME: So what are we looking for?
HER: Route 37.
ME: and about when should we be looking for it?
HER: Soon.
ME: I see.
ME: I don't mean to aggravate things, but I still haven't seen a Route 37.
HER: I'll look it up on the map. I need cross streets.
ME: Main St. Hollows St. Route 34.
HER: Ok, what are the cross streets?
ME: Start with the three I just called out.
HER: WELL MAYBE I WASN'T READY YET.
ME: Brown St. Eviction Ave.
HER: Ok, checking... it says there's no Eviction Ave.
ME: In spite of us just passing it.
HER: Yes. Ok, look for route 36 instead. Have you seen it yet?
ME: No, because I wasn't looking for it.
HER: [hissing of air] Pull over at that gas station and ask.
ME: YOU ask. Won't matter.
HER: And why not?
ME: It's closed.
HER: [hissing of air] WELL STOP AT ONE THAT'S OPEN. OR SOMEWHERE.
ME: It's EARLY IN THE MORNING, perhaps we should have called the stations to be open and ready for us to ask directions. Hey, is that a phone in your lap?
HER: Yes.
ME: Then WHY is it taking us forever to find simple streets? You've got more power in that thing than the Space Shuttles. They managed to make it to space and back.
HER: YOU DO IT.
ME: I'm driving, which leaves me short an appendage or two.
HER: You know it annoys the hell out of me when you breathe that way.
ME: What way?
HER: THAT way. I know you're doing it on purpose.
ME: If I had known breathing annoyed you so much, I'd have done more of it.
HER: We're looking for Hill Ave.
ME: We're ON Hill Ave. Turn the phone around. You were smart as a whip when I met you. What happened?
HER: You had hair. What happened?
ME: Was that Route 36?
HER: I dunno. I wasn't looking. TURN THE CAR AROUND!!!!
ME: Screw this. I don't want a divorce. I'm turning around and going home.
HER: No - wait ... that's the street we're looking for. The flea market is on the left! Right before it is the dairy where we're going afterwards, for fresh ice cream!
Meeting us, you'd never know.
I've often said that living with a multiple is like driving a bus full of first graders.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE POTTY!
I'M THIRSTY!
I'M HUNGRY!
All I want to do is get to the guitar show.
The first problem is that parking is about half a mile from anything. The flea market is that big.
Eventually we located all the necessary places to keep everybody quiet and happy.
The small guitar show was.... small. It was a nice place to pick up your first no-name guitar, built in a country that you can't pronounce, using child labor.
After 15 minutes' eyeballing, I was done.
And now, breakfast.
There were two food stalls. I don't know what they had, but they were identical in the humongous lines to purchase food. The voices were starting again.
The location is pretty far out into the non-city regions.
I was pretty good looking, compared to the rest of the crowd. This should alarm anyone.
The vendors were really friendly. They kept trying to talk to me. I suggested next time, I wear the invisibility cloak.
An old foreign fellow talked to Wife, completely unbidden (and completely unwanted). He said he should've gotten there the day before so he could see everything. He smelled like he had been there a few days.
There was just acres of Stuff, some inside, some outside. Every individual piece had the distinction of being completely not interesting to me. Plus my nerves were regenerating from the car battle, so I kept my mouth shut before something really bad came out of it (as opposed to generally bad).
We finally ate. The three of us... Her, me, and the bee. The bee was incredibly interested in my sandwich. I was going to suggest she swat him away violently, but decided better of it. Then she went pale anyway...
HER: Did I bring my wallet?
ME: Am I supposed to answer that question?
HER: Yes, the blue one.
ME: Where did you pull money out of?
HER: That's the other wallet... the smaller one. Have you seen the bigger one?
ME: Errrrr.... no.
HER: I have to go back to the car and check.
ME: And you want to know what happened to my hair? They don't even have a shuttle going to the lot.
HER: YAY! It was in the car. Now we can go back and shop.
ME: YOU can go back and shop. I'll just sit in the car and touch myself to this copy of Vintage Guitar.
HER: Ok. [disappears]
[returns]
HER: You have to pull the car up to the 32nd row.
ME: Good God, what have you bought now? A lawn tractor?
HER: No, its a tree that you can decorate.
ME: Ok, you showed it to me and explained it and all it looks like is black blinds.
HER: No, you decorate with it.
ME: I see. So, everybody ready for ice cream?
HER: YAY!!!
We pull into the dairy. We notice there will be no trouble at all getting as much ice cream as we want. Provided we wait four hours until the place opens.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Do you know how hard it is to clean exploding cranium from car ceilings?
This was the cherry on our sundae, so to speak.
And on top of this, we still had between one and two hours of advanced arguing and screaming to get home. I picked a bad week to give up sniffing glue.
It's been four days. The only one talking to anyone is the dog.
- Today President Biden sat on the White House lawn. Nobody had the heart to tell him it wasn't a water park.
Someone said one cannot argue there is no female privilege when a female can go online and show her asshole to pay the rent. He's right, you know.
I mention this because one of the sites I visit has a banner featuring online beauties, whose cams you can visit.
I have to admit there are some real stunners.
How can I put this tactfully? I can't.
There are some real woofers too.
Mostly woofers.
I'm not talking about "I like blondes but they're not brunettes" woofers.
I'm talking about "she's so ugly I need to hit myself with an iron skillet first" woofers.
Some are merely overweight. Some are grossly overweight. Are there that many chubby chasers?
Some the plastic surgeon said he couldn't help.
Some the plastic surgeon kicked out of his office.
I wonder if there are stats on their cams. I'm not going to the site to find out.
I think what happened was their parents always called them their gorgeous little princess and they took it to heart, like when Cindy Lauper's parents told her she could sing like an angel.
In the end, I hope they're all doing well.
The Flying AIDS has crippled income for too many. Get it where you can.
- ‘Extremely troubling’: Investigation launched into border agents on horseback seen chasing migrants
- This is America, where we leap to deal with small visual issues, while we pretend the larger issues don't exist. It's not ok to allegedly whip migrants. But what are we doing about the migrant situation?
- The Department of Homeland Security, a gift from 9-11, said they were extremely upset over the situation (getting caught) and said there will be discipline (for getting caught). They will do whatever they can to avoid this situation in the future (getting caught).
- The whipping was stopped immediately (as soon as they got caught) and other forms of crowd control were used, such as making sure no one could take video of what they were doing. Also using half paper clips attached to rubber bands, sledgehammers, poison darts, anvils, and baseball bats.
- The Biden administration has promised to get on the situation immediately, by creating a diversion in another country, possibly by taxing Afghanistan.
- If all else fails, Dick Cheney will be brought in to bomb the migrants.
Amazon is rolling out driver surveillance cameras.
The drivers are up in arms. Here is an early list of observances:
- drivers cursing the existence of Amazon
- drivers leaving packages in the rain
- drivers leaving expensive packages out in the open, with notes pointing to their obvious location
- drivers trying to disable the cameras
- boom boom breaks with unattractive retail workers (if the truck is rockin, don't come knockin)
- cars cutting off the trucks and honking at them
- a surprising amount of masturbation
- more middle fingers than imaginable
- more than one potty break per day
