Weaponized Bunnies?

THIS JUST IN

Early Pleistocene enamel proteome from Dmanisi resolves Stephanorhinus phylogeny

Don't say I didn't warn you...



Mozilla is supercharging Firefox with two new features: one is DNS over HTTP, which hides your DNS requests. This makes it more difficult to track you. Coming up is their VPN. This will protect Firefox traffic only. When you connect to a site through the vpn, your IP address will not appear. However, you'll still get cookies (if you allow them) and your 'fingerprint' will be the same. Still, it's best to use this whenever you can, especially at 'free wifi' spots. A (free) Firefox account is required. Firefox will also be blocking trackers by default.

You can also use TOR - free browsers are available in your app store.

DNS and VPN services are provided by Cloudflare. There is no mention of a vpn for mobiles. Cloudflare is huge and reputable, but they can be 'asked politely' for information by governments. 


Dealerleads.com left their entire database, 413gb of data, open on the internet. The data is potential car buyers' names, email addresses, phone numbers, addresses and more. This stuff is crazed and it's not going to stop anytime soon.

WhatsApp 'delete for everyone' doesn't delete media files sent to iDevice users.

iDevice lockscreen bypass: iOS13 tricked into showing your contacts.



I'm looking at my phone, checking on the wireless networks on the block.  It finds something called Bedroom TV. This should be fun. Last time it found an open printer. It took all I had not to print a few pages out for them.

• "Tyranny is always better organized than freedom." - Charles Peguy

Dear lefty

• You sound happy today
• I got some sex last night. I'm just not sure from whom.

It's 9:15am on a Saturday. It's gray outside and it might have stopped raining. Someone is running a weeder with an 8 cylinder 454 Corvette engine outside my window. Legal question: is it wrong to smoke near its gas tank?

• California passed a bill to ban police use of facial recognition. I'm stunned.
• But only on People of Color.  that's better.

Today I identify as another white guy exercising his privilege (but not his body)

About a year ago, six Stingray devices were found around Washington, DC. These devices fake being a cell tower site, so all phones in the area connect to it, and the owner has 100% of the information flowing through it.  Not that anything important happens in DC, you know, around the White House....

The FBI did some research and discovered they belonged to Israel. The FBI is pissed, calling the Israelis Copycat and Thiefy Thiefy, for stealing their toy. 

Israel's prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu said, "No intelligence work in the US, no spies."  Yeah, ok.  The Mossad is famous for its spying and have been doing it in the US for quite a while. They just got caught.

In a previous post, I talked about foreign aid. The largest recipient is Israel, at something like $8+ billion. Do you think this bolsters my argument that we should cut off all foreign aid?  Hell, it's our money....

Large Question: How is Israel so popular and well-defended in the US? Most presidents and all Congresses kowtow. Does Israel get pictures of them from Epstein?

No thank you, I'd rather file taxes.

It's only September, but here's an early winner for Tweet of the Year:

Instead of more debates, the Democrats should settle this the obvious way: whoever can go door to door and forcefully confiscate the most AR-15s in the next 6 months gets to be the nominee.  @liberty4masses

I haven't seen the local news in quite a while, so I sat down. I was stunned.
There was a huge story about a man whose dog shredded a box, put in the wrong spot because the postal worker was afraid of the dog. They interviewed the dog owner, who spent a long time pontificating about the postal service. They spoke to the postal service, who had a statement and apologized. THIS IS NEWS.

Then it was Major Coverage of the tv star who paid tens of thousands to have her less than intellectually gifted kid pass a test. Oh my God, she's being sentenced! Then there was some anti-police grafitti on a jogging path, featuring interviews with a neighbor and the police chief.

I live in a large metro area. There is never a shortage of news. Democratic debates just happened - that might qualify as news. Not here, apparently. No wonder I stopped watching news. This is the Taylor Swift song of news: vapid, containing nothing of value, but nice. With a good beat - we can dance to it. I give it a 3, Bob.




Heroes of the Stupid

The Ontario government lost $42m selling cannabis in the last year.

from TV news: We tried to reach out to the man who died in the accident, but he was unavailable for comment.

Florida couple accused having sex in the back of a police car following arrest.

Florida man smokes meth, snorts coke, takes Xanax, passes out, wakes up and masturbates in the hospital, police say.  He's a middle school science teacher, obviously in the midst of doing some Science.

Florida: Crossdresser robs bank, steals cop car. Did it fabulously




SJW Stuffiness

Pete Buttigieg is not gay. He's a heteronormalized man who has sex with other men. There's a difference.


NY City Commissioner: replace male statues in Central Park with women.


PC couple are keeping their toddler's gender a secret so the child can decide later.      The child's religion too?

Welcome to the Snot Factory

Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own.
Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone...  Joe Walsh - Certain Situations

• In these times of ubiquitous surveillance, it's important to have and use all the tools to keep you relatively safe. Toward that end, PornHub has come out with their own VPN (virtual private network). This is the thing to use at free wifi spots and anywhere else, to keep your data safe. Available for android, iOS, and Windows, the app comes in free and paid versions. It is not restricted to PornHub use.
• I have not checked out the policies of the VPN, so if you want to install it, I highly recommend that you look at them first. One of the most important features is no logs.

Your friends at Faceyspaces just want you to know that they're not paying for the theft and misuse of your data by Cambridge Analytica. Oh, and by the way... they knew about this last year, but didn't say anything til they got caught in March. Lastly, Zuckerberg has a special message for all of Faceyspace's users: 

Nyah nyah, I'm not paying you for SHIT - all your data is MINE and I'll sell it to whomever I want and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

• I wanted to be the first to bring you the news: a new study by the Goodman Institute for Public Policy Research says the reason any Americans are poor is they're not working.
• I have advanced copies of next week's studies, where we discover: the reason she suffocated is that she wasn't breathing; the reason Americans are tired is they're not sleeping; and the reason men are so horny is they're flipping men.

So you bought one of those Amazon Alexas because they're so gee-whiz futuristic and it will listen and answer you, unlike your family.  As it turns out, it certainly does listen. It emailed and entire conversation a couple had to one of the people on their contact list. Amazon confirmed that's what happened and they're "taking steps to avoid this from happening in the future." It is extremely rare.

Before we proceed with my analysis, let's get one little thing out of the way: I TOLD YOU SO. Anything you can talk to that has a microphone in it can listen. These days it will listen. Anyone who has watched tv or read online news knows about devices eavesdropping. Anyone who reads this blog knows about it, in even greater foreboding detail.

The device is supposed to hang out, doing nothing, until it hears "Alexa", at which point you ask a question or tell it to do something. Then it goes back to sleep. Now Amazon tells us it definitely listened and definitely recorded a conversation that was not preceded with "Alexa" and definitely sent it to a contact on their list (because you gave it permission to access your contacts). Furthermore, it's rare, meaning it has happened before. 

Then there's the box from Google, which is trying to surpass Microsoft for Most Evil Corporation. Make no mistake - these boxes aren't there for your convenience. You are paying Amazon or Google to collect your conversations, emails, purchases, and whatever else it can mine.

• there was a police call today described as vehicle vs building. I wonder which one won.

Are you ready for more happy privacy news?
On the heels of the discovery that Securus was providing/selling cell phone tracking information to police, another company, LocationSmart, had an online feature that would, with the user's permission, give you their location information. However, and there is always a however, a Carnegie Mellon University PhD (Piled High and Deep) candidate discovered that you didn't have to use credentials at all to get the information. The feature was very accurate, from 100 yards to a mile. It was removed from the website.

They also store other technical data such as speed, heading, and IP address information among others, to provide accurate geo-targeted promotions for marketers, IoT assets, and tracking of business personnel in the field.

Now read that again.

We have at least two companies that track your cellphone. One did it quietly, without a warrant. One asked for your permission. Wanna bet there aren't more? It stores all sorts of information for marketing and tracking. No one is trying to hide it.... this is already built-in, unlike security. 

And this, me hearties, is how the system is going to fail everybody except its owners. In a mad rush to track and store all information possible on you, all sorts of sneaky projects will get launched, with all sorts of bugs. The ability to validate input (limiting input and making sure it can't fake the system) is junior level programming. 

Then there's Internet of Things (IoT). Because security is an afterthought here too, your light bulbs can be the way hackers get into your network. There is no serious use for internet-connected light bulbs. Or your toaster won't toast because your internet is down and it can't contact its server for updates. Or because some junior level programmer forgot the safety controls.

The Remaining Rant is that nothing that's happening is a real secret and hasn't happened before, in some variation. We've known about hacking forever, long before the personal computer was around. With each new technology, it seems we failed to learn the basic issues from the previous cycle. Plus the data hoarding is out of control. And you're paying for the privilege of being tracked.

• Isn't it cool that you can come for the sarcasm and stay for the security news? Please don't answer that.

Our president has taken the unprecedented step of making Twitter his official announcement platform. As is his wont, he blocked a number of people. As is their wont, seven of them sued under the Knight First Amendment Institute at Columbia University. Two courts upheld the sevens' opinion, on First Amendment grounds. The courts held that, since Twitter is the official announcement platform, blocking them results in a violation of their First Amendment rights

"is a kind of digital town hall in which the president and his aides use the tweet function to communicate news and information to the public, and members of the public use the reply function to respond to the president and his aides and exchange views with one another”

I didn't expect this to go to First Amendment, especially the right to shoot replies to an elected official. Perhaps being excluded from the announcements, though. This can be remedied by not logging in to Twitter.   In addition, it would be smarter to mute these people, rather than block them. Muting shuts down any tweets from the muted individual and they are not aware of it.

Opinion:
I concur with the decision, but it's so ridiculously small a point...

The idea of "exchanging views with one another" is complete nonsense. These people are just butthurt that they can't be total assholes in their replies to the president. They happened to find a legal loophole that will allow them to sue and direct more negative attention to Trump. It's a pretty smart ploy.

Have you seen some of the crap directed at Trump on Twitter?
By way of observation, no other president had to deal with this level of nasty, down to death threats. Whether or not you agree with him.
As with most matters, I'm inclined to go with the law.

• Hillary Clinton says she wants to be the CEO of Faceyspaces because it's the largest source of news in the world. I think it's a match made in heaven. Zuckerberg is quietly evil; Hillary is overtly evil. Faceyspaces is in the middle evil. In addition to the largest source of news, it's the largest database of what people had to eat (with pictures), cat gifs, and when they're going on vacation (while listing their home address). It's the front page of the NSA - who better than Hillary to be in charge?

The good news: scientists have discovered the next superfood

More good news: it's non-dairy

Potentially bad news: it's cockroach milk crystals.

Question: Do you want to milk them?

• Seattle mussels have tested positive for opioids.
• Seattle Mussels is a football team, right?

Molestation, Thy Name is Weinstein

Good old Harvey is back in the news, as if he ever left.

He was arraigned on rape and criminal sex charges. 

What that means is that someone put reigns on him for some sex that was so good, it was criminal.

As a result, he must wear an electric monitor.

On his dick?

He posted a $1 million bail, because the judge did not want to see him in a place like jail. It's horrible there.. 

he'd be likely to become a participant in some rape and criminal sex.

Harvey's lawyer, in a well thought out strategy, said that Harvey didn't invent the casting couch. 

THAT was his defense? He didn't invent it. He sure as hell took good advantage of it.

• Another day, another school shooting. Does it occur to anyone that these things are coming fast and furious? That they're too close together to be statistically probable?

An Indian man needed a six inch shower head removed from his rectum. because he slipped and fell on it.  Ummmm..... let us ponder the mechanics of this, shall we? Your typical shower head exists at a level of roughly six feet. If this fellow slipped, he should be in the Olympics, as some sort of gymnast/contortionist. So he slipped and either turned around 270 degrees or slipped and levitated about four feet. His target accuracy was exemplary. The doctors removed the foreign object with gentle anal stretching. Perhaps the gentleman went to the emergency room for this procedure. Fortunately the piece of plumbing lodged up there came out easily, as the fellow fell on a bottle of lube before falling on the errant shower head. The article features x-rays, so you should get on over there.

• Chelsea Manning says mass surveillance is 'getting worse'
• With insight like that, the NSA should snap her up immediately. We can't afford to have her fall into the arms of the Russians.

Yes, It's a Reptle

Know what Winning is?
A lizard named Harriet.

• I just saw a commercial for this 'miracle combination bamboo bra', which was guaranteed to overcome every problem women have ever had with bras. I'm thinking that if you have an issue with your bra, you probably don't want one made of bamboo. Getting poked in the boobs by little bamboo probes all day has to be somewhat unpleasant. The Vietnamese used to put slivers of bamboo underneath the fingernails of their enemies to torture them.

Sometimes you gotta be a dick. Well, sometimes *I* have to be a dick. No idea why - it's almost a primal instinct. For some reason, I feel compelled to mess with people who have OCD. 

Well, not only me. At my last job, there was a lady who had some serious OCD. She'd go into a meeting room, and before the meeting, would notice a picture on the wall that wasn't straight. She'd get up from her seat to fix it. In absolutely no time at all, another Total Bastard picked up on this. He'd wait til she fixed the picture and sat down, at which point he'd get up and tilt it a bit. He'd sit across from her to watch her get up. It was beautiful to watch, especially when it happened after the meeting started.

Mrs. lefty has an OCD tendency or two. Since we're in the same house and married, I have absolutely no choice in the matter. When watching tv, the volume must be on an even number. She cannot explain why, but gets visibly upset when I ask. Therefore I must change the volume to an odd number. She gets more excited and changes it back. Not to be outdone, I change it back. She tells me it no longer matters, and she'll just watch tv. Within sixty seconds, the pressure is too great and the volume needs to go back to the even number. We actually have two remotes, just in case. If I'm in a particularly evil mood, we'll watch an entire program, then I'll casually mention that the volume was on an odd number the entire time. She says no problem, but I know she won't be sleeping that night.

A previous girlfriend had to get out of the shower by the rear of the curtain. Without any choice in the matter, I kept opening the front of the curtain and insisting we get out there. She turned white, pulled the curtain in the other direction and got out quickly, lest I catch her.

I told you I was a dick.

• From the people who brought you diversity hiring (white people), comes a new app called ShopNoir, which allows you to Buy Black this holiday season. If I had even the smallest clue about programming, my app would be called ShopSinister, which allows you to Buy Left-Handed this holiday season. 
• This will be followed by ShopCracker, for buying white; ShopHanukah for buying Jew (the Anti Defamation League will be calling later today); and ShopGyno, for female-owned stores this holiday season. Not represented so far are the potential beneficiaries of ShopWhich, the transexuals, who are currently out protesting. Last but never least is ShopCorrect, where you don't buy from the white male patriarchy and its opposite number ShopPrivilege, in case you want to shop exclusively with White Male Patriarchy Privilege.
• None of this will matter, as most people will ShopCheap.

We ran out of soda the other day [loud, suspenseful sound effect from Law and Order-SVU]. Wife said she was so desperate, she actually drank water. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I don't provide well for my family.

• TODAY'S TIN FOIL MINUTE: According to Consumer Intelligence Research Partners, about 20 million homes have a voice-activated assistant (Amazon Echo or Google Home). That's 20 million people who paid a sum of money for Amazon or Google to spy on them and keep their personal information. What could possibly go wrong?
• This is another salvo in the War on Privacy, proving yet again that people are voluntarily ignorant about privacy or they simply don't care. Or both.
• Not that the concept is a bad one.... this is the future, where you simply speak to your house and it does Stuff for you. It's truly cool to ask your house when is the last showing of Deep Throat at the Adult Metroplex, in the seedy part of town. Soon you'll be able to order tickets via your house, allowing you the option of Just Cleaned seats or discount Sticky seats.
• When voice recognition technology is processed in the cell phone, instead of going upstream to servers, where it is kept, I'll start using it. The moment you want one service to interact with another, you're putting yourself out there.

A new survey of 1,600 Australians shows most people are concerned corporations are violating their privacy online. A similar survey of Americans shows most are concerned with Kim Kardashian and cat pictures.

•  A high level IT tech receives an emergency call from his system at 5am. The main file server has gone offline. He remote connects to the system, or at least he tries.. the remote system that will allow him to access the server won't work, which is why companies pay for remote systems. They knew the server wasn't long for this world, so they built a new one that ran in parallel, so he did a few Magic Tricks, copied some operating system files, and had the entire new server up before anyone got into work. He announced this via email to everyone, telling them to reboot if their computers didn't recognize the new server.
• Our hero was called into the Executive Office and, instead of a hearty Thank You, Attaboy, or Bonus, got yelled at and called unprofessional for installing the new server, because some people never bother saving their documents and leave them open overnight, so they lost them.
• Security begins at home, then follows you to work. Unfortunately, it only follows IT people. Upper level might occasionally give a nod towards it, but abandon it immediately if it becomes inconvenient for them. They even go so far as to hire expensive security experts to make recommendations for them to completely ignore.
• My old department put PINs on the corporate cell phones, for safety and privacy reasons. We also set all PCs to automatically lock after 5 minutes, so when people got up from their desks, others couldn't walk by and see private data or prohibited medical information. The Chief Operating Office appeared at my desk one week later, demanding we remove the PIN from her phone, because "security is.... inconvenient."  Right after that, the department was dragged into a six month series of meetings to decide the right amount of time before the computers locked. Everyone had input, which was somewhat less than helpful. Finally, the topic was dropped because people found it inconvenient to have to re-log into their computer when they walked away for a meeting or lunch or to flirt with a colleague, who would rather drink gasoline than deal with their neighbor.
• We are doomed.

Good things do happen, even in Philadelphia. Some bright light ran out of gas on the highway. A homeless man happened by and, seeing her plight, walked to a gas station and spent his last twenty dollars on gas for her. Do you want to talk about Heart?

More than impressed, the motorist set up a GoFundMe page to raise a few thousand to get the gentleman set up with an apartment and job services until he could support himself well.

The GoFundMe went somewhat over expectations; about three hundred thousand dollars at last count. The man received a house and a tidy sum, along with job counseling.  What did he do? Donated money to organizations that helped him. Do you want to talk about Heart?

• Ideally, you should use a Virtual Private Network (VPN) when doing anything from your computer. The connection can't be snooped on, offering full privacy for your data. One VPN service, PureVPN, boasts they don't keep logs, so you're secure from the authorities. Well, it turns out they lied: the FBI contacted them for information on a customer suspected of committing a crime and they turned over a treasure trove of information (that they don't keep).
• If you read this far, you'll be happy to know the following are no log VPNS: NordVPN, ExpressVPN, CyberGhostVPN, SaferVPN, and VYPRVPN.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. And it was a bad time too. 

Some internal process started arguing with a different internal process.. I have no real idea what was happening, but the end result is that I felt like advanced death. It probably wasn't helping that I was at work. Sometimes I just sit there and nod off, which is fairly impressive if you happen to walk by. If it gets really bad, I feel like sitting under my desk. This doesn't happen often, which is probably a pretty good thing, as I like my job. They know me, so they might shake their heads, smile, and go on.

Eventually work ended and I somehow managed to convince the car to take me home. No, I do not have a self-driving car, but it always gets me home. Those of you who drink too much may experience a similar phenomenon. 

Once in the house, my mind turned to the thing I really wanted No, oddly enough, not sex.... I wanted a nap. A really satisfying nap. A deep, relaxing nap. The kind of nap that cures most of the world's problems.  With the total occupants in the house numbering two (the dog and me), I decided to use the couch.

This was my first mistake.  [I'm using the literary technique of foreshadowing here.]

Five satisfying minutes into my horizontal exercise, Marshall decided to surprise me by BARKING to go outside. This is unprecedented, as he naps when I nap. I told him how amused I was, and I stood there, waiting for His Highness to do his duty. As it turns out, dogs do not get embarrassed or agitated when you watch them go to the bathroom. No quid pro quo for me today.

Back in the house, dog safe and comfortable, I re-occupied the couch.

A short while later came a pounding on the door. No, the dog had not taken up pounding on the door with his water bowl.. it was yet another home improvement dude. This is the second one this week, which means they're infesting the neighborhood and we'll have to get one of those special exterminators out to help us. Fortunately it's a neighborhood problem, so everybody chips in. You know these clowns... they "happen to be working on a house in the neighborhood" and have "dropped by to see if you need anything done." Bless their pointy little heads. The altruism here is astounding - you just don't get this class of home improvement goodness in other sections of the city. 

I am a reasonably polite person - stop laughing NOW. Most people would simply slam the door in his face. I think that's kinda rude and Mom taught me better (even though it's rude to interrupt my nap, dinner, or anything else I'm doing, by knocking on my door). I politely tell him no thanks, but have a nice day. As it turns out, he's hip to this, probably because no one else will give him the time of day (or belly button lint). He keeps talking. I wish him a good day again, at which point he brings out the big guns: "Oh, so you're not planning to DO anything about your mess of a house?"

I could choose to be insulted. I could pitch a fit. I could throw my car at him. But I figured all of these would require putting more time (and heaven forbid, effort) into this project, so the best way would be to question the species of whatever gave birth to him, continue to wish him the most spectacular of days, and slam the door so hard he literally blows across the street, where he'll undoubtedly bang on their door. What he does next is sheer genius... he tells my neighbor they're doing work on MY house and would he like a quote. The neighbor has no choice but to order some work, because if the Problem House on the block (mine) is getting something done, others would be ashamed not to. Fortunately this is no longer my problem.

Back to the couch I go, laughing at the sheer hilarity of what has become a comedy sketch about someone trying to simply take a nap. 

And nap I did. For damn near fifteen minutes, when ANOTHER knock occurred. This is getting tiresome, I though to myself, while continuing to snicker. Praying it wasn't another chance to sign up for work on my house, I opened the door to find my wife standing there.  As anyone would imagine, regardless of whether they know her or not, my wife has house keys. To this actual house. Our house. The house with the really comfortable couch, upon which I was just napping. Judging by the plastic bag she was holding in her mouth, it appeared she'd need help. Let's face it... if I were overloaded, coming to my front door, I'd either have my keys in hand or drop something and get my keys. Perhaps being a woman comes with some sort of entitlement to have locked doors opened for you; I certainly don't know.

Deciding to keep all of my parts intact, I let her in and grabbed some bags. Strangely, I then went back to the couch, perhaps because I like pain and aggravation.

My wife, bless her, made sure to do everything she could to avoid annoying me, like talking for twenty minutes about her day, what she had for lunch, what her friends were wearing, what we were thinking about doing next week, and how about that earthquake in Delaware. Sometimes she misses subtle signs, like the way I had the blanket wrapped around my head while I was laying flat, with my back to her. She eventually stopped talking, perhaps when she sensed my breathing stop (a trick I learned in Swami School in India, back during the war).

Mindful of my damn near sleeping state, she did not talk. She did, however, hum. Lately she hums constantly. I would be judged not guilty if I murdered her for the never ending humming but I'm not like that. I wouldn't kill her, or even bludgeon her. Or run her over, or throw her from the roof. Mom raised me better.  When she hums, I politely ask her to stop. Sometimes she's so involved in humming, she doesn't hear me. So I try again, using more volume. Finally she looks at me quizzically, asks if she was humming, and apologizes. Then starts humming again.

So she's humming, being 'quiet' while I rest. Being quiet means not asking me questions (sometimes) and walking around without kicking anything (a difficult task regardless of my state). So she walks around stealthily. And when I say stealthily, I mean BOOM, PLOD, SQUONK, PLOD, PLOD. Hey, at least she's not humming, right? She quietly plods to the door, where we keep our high tech backup alarm system, which consists of a few REALLY LOUD industrial size jingle bells on a three foot strip of leather, around the doorknob. She completely avoids slamming into the bells by simply knocking them onto the solid floor with a humongous CRASH RING RING RING.  Good thing I was resting, or I'd be really pissed.

It is at points like this that I can only think of the words I'm going to type on the blog to share with you, because there's no live studio audience to watch people torture me while I try to nap.

One last time, I beg of the universe. I just want a nap.

The next thing I know, I'm hearing my parents' voices. This is not a normal thing for me, especially when I'm sleeping and they're not in my house. But the joke was on me - they were in my house, being quiet because I was napping. I didn't hear them knocking on the door.

HEY... if I didn't hear them knocking, it means I was ASLEEP for three or four seconds. I had technically NAPPED!

she asked what I want for Christmas.

Note to British Porn Watchers

This is for our British readers (we don't have any - I just like saying it): the Queen has rubberstamped legislation requiring sites to age-verify. If this is not done, and payment providers and third parties will be required to intervene. If this fails, the site can be cut off, even though it's perfectly legal to view it. And speaking of perfectly legal, there will be censorship of 'extreme sex acts'.

Of course there are a whole bunch of improvements listed (it's for the children). Short story: watch your porn through a VPN. Less short story: more intrusive government, in the name of improvement and safety, can watch you watching porn. This is an early volley into controlling what you can see. England should be up in arms, although it's probably wrapped up in something the royals are wearing or the Department of Silly Hats, measuring one of the more fashionable chapeaus, which can range from six to sixty feet tall. You can tell this is a serious item, because the British are my favorite people. I may well be a Brit in the body of an American (trans-continental?).

Oh yeah, there will be social media fines for Terror Content also.

• Something is up again, as in more of the Shadow Broker releases of NSA weapons. Microsoft is releasing a second set of updates for Windows XP, an incredibly long-dead version, as well as Server 2003, a somewhat less-dead version. Regardless, if you run any version of Windows (or anything else), keep up to date. This is not a suggestion.

Someone brought to my attention that this blog has no cat gifs or blinky graphics. That is all.

• Why are lunatics shooting government officials? There has been a lot of noise made about the violent rhetoric of the left, and some of it is disgraceful, but we cannot blame words, as the right claims. This is the result of action by an unstable human, unable to tell right from wrong and clearly a danger to others. This alone is grounds for involuntary commitment (a topic close to my heart).
• After his name was released, the Internet Detectives went into action and located his Faceyspaces page, complete with all sorts of organizations and 'radical' comments. He was a Bernie supporter. It's amazing that, with all this information in the open, he still went right ahead and shot. FB is the front page of the NSA, fer chrissake. Yes, omnipresent government surveillance will keep us all safe.
• The representative's ten year old son was present at the game.
• The local news is running a segment on how to apply a tourniquet. Local news viewers are always so well-prepared.

in China, Kentucky Fried Chicken is using facial recognition software to predict what the customer will order. It is doing so with the Baidu search engine, the Chinese Google. It's faulty, it's privacy invasive, and it's being rolled out to 5,000 restaurants now. They should post pictures and shame everyone who eats there.. maybe a little blackmail as a new earnings strategy.

• We were behind someone in a BMW the other day. While cutting off another driver, he used his turn signal. No, really! Then out of the blue, he used it again to make a turn. He must've been going to the Happy Place. If the police caught him, it would be a beating for sure.

Another van-related incident in London, this time an anti-Muslim attack. A reportedly drunk man ran down some Muslims, on the way out of mosque. This is unacceptable. Common sense laws must be enacted to battle this sort of thing. Did you know anyone can walk into a dealership and leave with a van? In addition, there will obviously be calls for censorship of the internet, banning encryption, and more cameras, perhaps in everyone's houses.

• Happy Fathers Day to all who fit the profile. Marshall looked up at me and wished me one. I also get a lot of points for not reproducing. It fills my heart with joy when I realize what I haven't unleashed on the world.

Apparently some of us were wrong all along: it was not the Russians hacking the election, it was the Moroccans! They attempted to hijack the election via phishing emails at a school and although they were able to deface a website, they failed Hijacking 101. So the next time someone says Russia did it, you can tell them with authority that it was the Moroccans. Mo Rocca not available for comment.

• This is week two of my brand new auto glass, courtesy of Safelite. A bird pooped on it so I had him shot, but Safelite gets an A and a hearty recommendation.

If you use Firefox, make sure the new speed feature is enabled. If you don't use Firefox, pretend you never read this.

• On social media, you have these 'experts' popping up and referring to themselves as Social Media Influencers. Or Social Media Thought Leaders. What a ridiculous set of titles. Because of the way they want to be my friend and follower, my new title is Social Media Influencer Attractor. But wait - we also have the foodies and travel bloggers. Yes, you can now spend your valuable time (stick with me on this) watching others eat and vacation! We live in great times.

Marshall further enhanced my Fathers Day by 'processing' some paperwork for me. Apparently in Pet World, anything on the floor is fair game, so that stack of neatly-arranged paper to file of shred becomes a former pile of widely-spread papers, sometimes shredded, for good measure. This week's special modification involves water.  The neat pile will sit there, minding its own business, when Marshall appears, soaked from head to tail from a dip in his pool. He positions himself right over the pile and plops right down on top of it. At some point in the future, I will wonder why all my paperwork is brown and/or was waterlogged in the past.

Since the weather has been ridiculously bad lately, Marshall's pool hasn't seen a lot of action. Not to be outdone, he will walk to his water bowl, drink a bit, then proceed to take a paw and paw at the water until most of it is on the floor outside of his bowl. Everybody's a critic. Then he comes over to the paperwork and continues the important task of wetting every piece of paper I own.

Normal people, who don't have blogs, might simply decide not to leave paper on the floor. In this house, we have the organizational skills of a room full of five year olds, so this is not even a remote possibility.

Congress, ISPs, and Your Privacy

I'll be honest.. I haven't really studied the terms of the legislation allowing Internet Service Providers to collect your browsing data and sell it. I suspect the main thrust of the law is not data collection but I have other stuff to do, like type shit for this blog.

IF your ISP is allowed to keep and sell your data, rest assured it will. First suggested step is to call and ask them. Also tell them you don't want it done - perhaps there's an opt-out. At least you've registered your view. Call Congress and tell them no, this is not acceptable.

The fun part comes right after the above. If your response to data collection is "I've got nothing to hide - let them steal my data," you should probably read a different blog. Privacy aside, your provider is making money selling YOUR history. Then there's privacy.. no one really needs to know where you go and what you do, regardless of whether it's private, embarrassing, or not. If you don't do something, data collection will become the norm (almost like it is now, except it's not the providers collecting it).

There are three things we'll discuss to help keep your privacy: HTTPS, Tor, and VPN.

HTTPS is a secure internet connection. It shows up as a lock or something similar in the browser, by the address (URL) up top. Banks and credit card and retail sites use this by default. You should also use this by default. There are many browser add-ons/extensions that will make HTTPS your default. HTTPS Everywhere is very popular and available for most, if not all browsers. Best of all, it's completely free. Some browsers also default to HTTPS.

TOR is a network through which you can travel anonymously. It is also the gateway to The Dark Net, where you can buy stuff that is illegal and/or immoral, which I strongly recommend against. You can go through TOR to get to somewhere else, anonymizing your traffic. The TOR browser runs on all operating systems, including phones. It is based upon Firefox, so it will look familiar. Nothing appears different, although there will be a speed penalty. I would not watch video through it.

VPN stands for Virtual Private Network. It can be a free or paid service, generally paid. You install the software or settings, which magically allows you to browse through a machine that isn't yours, keeping your data free from prying eyes.


HOW DOES IT WORK?

Glad you asked.
We're not going to get too technical, as a service to you and to me, so I can type less.

With HTTP, your ISP (or pretty much anyone) can see where you're going and what you're doing. This is because the data is unencrypted.

HTTPS encrypts the connection, so your ISP can see where you're going but not what you're doing.

With TOR, your ISP will see you're going to an IP address called a TOR entrance node. The connection is encrypted so it can't see the data. Once in TOR, it cannot be traced. **When I say it cannot be traced, I mean nothing is perfect and it is fine to use it for general anonymity. The FBI has already developed attacks for TOR and has arrested Dark Web marketeers. There is also a fair probability the government owns some TOR entrance and exit nodes. Stay paranoid - it's your best weapon.

For privacy, the best thing going would be a VPN. All your traffic goes to the VPN site, through which you browse. The only thing the ISP can see is that you're going to the VPN site. They cannot see what you're doing and that's the last thing they can see. All browsing runs on the VPN server, so it's encrypted and cannot be traced (by your ISP).  **When I say cannot be traced, there are a few ways it can be traced, by law enforcement, after the fact. All VPNs will tell you they're 100% anonymous, including allowing you to pay by Bitcoin to protect anonymity. If you pay by credit card, you're already outed. Some VPNs maintain logs of all traffic. These logs can be subpoenaed and you're outed. Some VPNs don't keep logs - look for these. Also use a VPN that has a presence in a different country, especially if you're in the US. US VPNs are subject to US laws and you're outed. To your destination, you'll appear to be coming from a different country.

The decision is up to you.
Avoid HTTP - always use HTTPS.
TOR will let you surf anonymously at no cost.
A VPN is the least leaky solution and the preferred solution. There are articles with comparisons of VPNs, privacy-wise. Look them up. There are also browser extensions or add-ins that will make you appear to be coming from another country. These are fine for casual browsing but do drop hints as to where you are. They're better than nothing.

I hope this clarifies things. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. It is imperative that we maintain our privacy, regardless of content.

All I Want for Christmas is Headache Relief

Mariah Carey is turning her song "All I Want for Christmas is You" into an animated movie with herself narrating. Because the world is crying out for it.  I know this because the local Fox morning show brought in yet another Yak Show Special Guest to tell us all about it.

Speaking of Hard Hitting News, Fox just aired their third segment on Flashy Nails with Sparkly Bits. This segment features a teaser, followed by two experts from a local nail salon applying these scandalous fake nails to the reporter's short and mangled nails. This is a breaking story that no doubt will involve international Special Reports every thirty minutes, with other networks gearing up their own coverage. When the story is beaten to death, which some will argue has already transpired, Mariah Carey will reportedly do a movie about it, with herself narrating.

• are you ready for the latest Big Controversy? A white man has been accused of Cultural Appropriation for painting a picture of a black man. I never studied sociology but this means something (aside from reaching Peak Stupidity).

A great feature of cell phones is the ability to install software and change things. For example, the standard Android keyboard and I do not get along. I installed a different one (after wading through hundreds of them, primarily concerned with emojis), with which I got on a little better. Here is where I start to blaspheme: I have a really good relationship with the keyboard on my work iDevice. While the thunder dies away, I have no idea why this is. It has tiny little keys, while I keep going larger with the Android keyboards.

Just for fun, I searched for an iDevice keyboard for Android. I installed the most popular one, which immediately started phoning home to China (I use No-Root Firewall, which tells me these things). This is what will happen to you if you install crappy software. Clue#1: subtle to hilarious English mistakes in the description. Check the privacy policy and whatever else is listed at the bottom of the software description. Also check reviews, making sure to look for English mistakes or obvious shills. Stick with popular software companies.

• In news guaranteed to amuse, The Turkish Hacking Family group claims to have access to over 300 million iCloud accounts and is threatening to remotely wipe this data unless Apple pays a ransom ($75,000 in crypto currency or $200,000 in iTunes gift cards). The deadline is April 7. Whether or not this threat is real, Apple is advising everyone to change their iCloud password and enable two-step authentication. This may or may not be the same group that is involved in The Fappening 2.0, exposing pictures of celebrities.

A Utah man was killed and his wife injured in the London Islamist terror attack. This won't go over well with the Brits but maybe it's time to arm... the police and other authorities aren't providing much cover here and ultimately it's up to a person to defend himself and his family. Something to think about..

I owe a heartfelt apology to the Swiss, who I accused of the London attack. Turns out it was a Muslim.

• I am a big fan of Android Forums. Lots of information and assistance for any android device. They just got hacked and a very small percentage of accounts lost a few bits of information - one report said it was forty. Guess who's one of the forty? Yup.

On the Stupid News File, after the obnoxious outside host kissed a camel, they ran a promo for a wedding dress show. One look at the lady in the dress said man. Yup, she's a transexual. Marrying another transexual. Hey, do what makes you happy, but the math here is staggering.  He has a full beard, meanwhile I can't grow hair on the top of my head.

• Just the other day, the Senate voted 50(R) to 48(D) to allow ISPs to sell your personal data. This is the headline but it's caught up in a different topic, namely letting regulations apply to all entities equally. Regardless, it's just your privacy. Early word is that the best way to prevent this is to use a VPN. Here's some info on how your information is collected.

If you're traveling from certain Muslim countries to the US/UK, you'll need to stow your laptop. In Serious Anti-Terrorism News, the US/UK have decided that you cannot use or carry your laptop to the US from certain countries. Authorities claim that this measure is not based on any intelligence. Well, it sure seems like a stupid measure to implement otherwise. And let's face it - it's going to be a problem regardless of where it goes boom. Security Theater.

• Two weeks after Failed Snowmageddon 2017, nobody has piled additional snow on my car. For this I am grateful. No local authorities have been involved but we have called in Cthulu to make a small statement to the (allegedly) adult miscreant neighbors.

Someone discovered a dishwasher with a web server. A web server. When it breaks or gets hacked (which it will), you have to get web server updates from a dishwasher company. What could possibly go wrong?  To be fair, this is an industrial machine for hospitals, which are fast becoming a rich target for hackers. This will not end well.

Antivirus company F-Secure released this list of most-used login/password combinations used to hack their honeypot (decoy for the purposes of collecting information) machines. Please don't use these.

• Good article on hack-proofing your smart phone. If you're lazy, you won't like this.

I'm in the middle of intensive training for this event!

Happy Monday is an Oxymoron

Why is our president and some of his staff still using a private email server? Or are they? Trump and some of his staff still have accounts on a RNC server that may or may not have been hacked, depending on what day of the week this is. Oddly enough, this is the same server used by the Bush administration to communicate during the Iraq war (let us pray... that it has been upgraded since then). Professional liar and former and present CIA head James Comey claims there was limited access to a non-used server.

Security experts are also worried about the president's use of an Android phone. The reason given is that he could be a target on insecure wifi. Yes, any of us can be a target - that's why no one should use any old wifi at any old coffee shop or at the airport. Use a VPN if you absolutely must access these services. Trump's own staff would like him to turn in the phone, especially as concerns Twitter.

Speaking as an alleged Security Dude, these people have a point. Virtually no one bothers to secure their phone, including alleged Security Professionals. Even the previous president had a custom-secured cell phone. Is the device encrypted so no one can get into it? Is there a password or PIN code that automatically locks the device? Is it accessing a secure system? Is there any actual secure information on the phone in the first place?  I'd prefer, as you would expect, the device be locked down to hell and back.. you know.... like mine. Even if there's nothing interesting there, less to attack is always better.

• Over in Iraq, the Islamic State's chief executioner, who has beheaded more than 100 people, has been knifed to death. I believe this is what they call irony. Or just desserts.

Google found and quarantined some brand new malware on a customer's android phone. Yay, they caught the malware!  Now stop for a second and think about this.... Google remotely accessed the phone to quarantine the malware. While this capability isn't news to some of us, it should be news to everybody. iDevice users, don't get all smug - your phone can be remote-accessed by Apple too. In fact at one point, programs 'disappeared'. E-books have also gone bye-bye. It's a PITA, but possible to disconnect from Google (it's beyond the scope of this paragraph). The other message here is to be very careful what you download from Google Play. Since there's very little to tell you whether the program is clean, avoid programs with few reviews, few downloads, non-English or broken English text or reviews, and authors you don't know. Stick with the majors. Also stay away from cleaners/memory boosters/speed boosters; they're not needed on android anymore.

• Ransomware knocked seventy percent of the Washington, DC, spy surveillance cameras ahead of the inauguration. Some cameras had more than one piece of malware. The ransomware was introduced via a spam email that some high-functioning, security-minded government worker opened. This affected a server with all sorts of documents. The fix to ransomware is to have good, frequent backups, of which it appears there are none. Perhaps we will be spared some aspects of the Security State by its own incompetence.

Cocker Spaniels are notorious for separation anxiety, or at least the three rescue cockers we adopted have been. Marshall prefers his people around the house at all times. I had to go somewhere today and he saw me put on my coat. He sat down and gave me this look. They have big, expressive eyes to begin with, and when they're upset, you know it. Marshall was upset. Small wonder I don't like to leave the house... poor little guy. When I got home, he was anchored to me.

Speaking of Marshall, the little darling continued his weekly visit with the vet for his ear infection, which has been going on forever. Healthy all his life, he has had problems since his cat died (grief-related illnesses?). Cockers are prone to ear problems due to their flaps and closed ear canals. The current diagnosis is antibiotic-resistant bacteria. They referred us to a Doggie Dermatologist. This little diversion cost $200, plus the new consultation. Even his parents have never seen a dermatologist.

guess who...

• How do you know when the driver in front of you is going to make a turn? His turn signal is not on.

Pasta: Yes, there's an app for that! I can't make the pasta until I charge my phone!

• Netgear routers have yet another flaw that would allow hackers to get into it remotely. Check to see if yours is listed. Disable remote administration regardless.

A popular new joke is that the Statue of Liberty is going to be deported. I suggest whoever gets it has to take the UN too.

• Yesterday we had sun, gloom, snow, and sun in the span of about an hour. This is not normal, even for here.

John Wetton, bassist and vocalist for King Crimson and Asia, lost his battle with cancer. He was 67.

• As if you didn't think I was totally tin foil hat, this should do it for you. You can be ultrasonically tracked while using cell phones, to build up a profile of you across devices. There is an android and a Chrome patch to disable it. My feeling is that if people can't hear the sound, the speaker in the phone can't put that high a frequency out. Apparently my feeling is incorrect. Further, I believe one can avoid this via turning off javascript, but time will tell.

Hey, I think I need some Magnums.

Magnum ice cream bars or Magnum large condoms?

I'm buying both to make it an extra special weekend.

• The People's Republic of Berkeley had to cancel a talk by a gay Jew who likes black guys the other night, due to rioting on campus. Yes, the tolerant students for free speech (only when it agrees with them), demanded the event be canceled. One of the ringleaders was ok with the violence and said it was 'self-defense'. So the people calling the speaker a nazi are themselves behaving like nazis. Students need to be protected from words. Remember when students protested war? Non-violently?
• Make no mistake, the students had every right to protest. Violence, however, is illegal and not the way to make one's point.
• The Associated Press and USA Today's coverage consisted of peaceful people marching with signs. There were fires, assaults with pipes, two groups protesting, an ATM smashing, cars damaged, and a live band.
• These Students of Public Relations who are essentially protesting Trump are doing a wonderful job of keeping him in office.
• The Berkeley Police ordered the students to disperse several times. They were extremely helpful in keeping order. Other police departments move in to restore order and stop further crimes. Why didn't this department?

A recent small study has revealed that black humor a sign of high intelligence. Finally-vindication!

I Debate Your Position(s)

Reminder to change your Yahoo password. If you haven't, everybody else has it now.

• See that debate? Me either.  Useless pageantry. I can't stand the sound of two people lying. IIRC, Kennedy beat Nixon due to smoothness.
• There is a lot of arguing about who won the debate. Know who lost? The American people.

A very discrete, classy man was caught banging his girlfriend on a Greyhound bus. This is kind of the sort of thing one would expect from Greyhound, in addition to riding next to people who think they're Jesus or some other Major Religious Figure. Don't ask how I know. From the article, it's difficult to figure out whether the perceived offense is that he's having boom boom on a bus or that he didn't bother to pull her panties down. If the latter, I would argue that this is a much handier solution for a quickie on a public accommodation (or in someone's house where you shouldn't be). Of course this is all hearsay... I haven't been in this position. In fact, I haven't been in many positions, especially lately.

• The Bill Clinton Correlation: If it moves, nail it. If it doesn't move, nail it. And leave a stain to prove dominance.

Austrian customs officials found human intestines in a woman's luggage. She probably didn't know there were any laws against this sort of thing.

• In what must be a very important study, it was discovered that ants prefer morphine over sugar. As you'd expect, I'd go for sugar every time, as would the wife and dog.

If you us the Opera browser, the latest version includes a VPN.  This is a handy little security feature that will disguise your real IP address and location, as well as block tracking cookies. It can also allow you to get around some of the location-based blocking, such as the BBC allowing only UK to connect.

FINE PRINT: as the article explains, this is a VPN for the browser only. Anything else (email) you send through your connection will not go through the VPN. There's also the little matter of your data going through Opera's servers. I haven't been able to find anything on privacy policy or what/if they're examining anything. I did try it the other day and it works. Just don't go using it thinking you can hack away or Do Dirty Deeds while you're 'hidden'.

FINER PRINT: many browsers these days are based on Chrome (Iron, Chromium, Opera, and something new that begins with V). Chrome has a privacy issue, as it's Google code and it 'phones home'. Most people don't care, but naturally I do. Opera (and I believe the rest) are incredible memory hogs. They start ok then tend to suck up huge amounts of RAM over time. Ymmv but it IS a speedy little browser that accepts all Chrome extensions. I keep Firefox locked down and use Opera in a more open configuration.

• Here are 5 tools to help defend yourself online in terms of privacy. I use some different extensions but this is a great starting point. The EFF is a great resource.

Somehow reproductive scientists made a three-parent baby. What's next - group babies? Four parents and a dog? Giraffe babies bred specifically for basketball?

• Elon Musk, famous for being rich and having a very strange name and accent, announced that he wants to get humans to Mars, evenutally on a six month schedule. Mr Musk, I applaud you and have some suggestions on who to send.

Dancing with the Stars Live! is coming to a venue near me. I hope they have ambulances on hand to get help for the people slitting their own wrists.

• Dubai grounded all flights for half an hour because of unauthorized drone activity. Because it takes a special kind of idiot to fly a drone over an airport. I wonder if the special kind of idiot was us....

HEADLINE OF THE MONTH
An Australian man using a portable toilet on a building site was bitten by a venemous spider on his penis. For the second time. This dude might want to give up construction. Or Australia.

• A British conservationist is making a 4,500 mile paramotor flight following migrating swans. Apparently she has absolutely no life. Or she's married.

I have an adverse relationship with mornings.

• Once again, those wacky far-seeing fiscally responsible folks in Congress passed a spending bill. This last minute effort, as usual, will keep the government 'operating' until December. This is a new low, even for Congress. And, of course, another increase in spending up the debt.

Non-partisan political observation: the democrats are incredibly nervous about Trump and libertarians. They're bringing out the Big Guns - tv 'news', tv, newspapers, and even Mr+Mrs President. My theory is that this is good for the dems but in reality, it's being run by the Powers That Be, who are terrified of a candidate they don't own. Also, when they have to go after libertarians, things must be pretty bad for them. It's also interesting to note that things are roughly tied at this point: the 'standard' candidates can't pull off a lead. People must really be PISSED for this to happen. Regardless of candidates, this situation is good for America. People are waking up.

• Our friends over at Samsung are having a really bad year: as if exploding phones weren't bad enough, there is now a lawsuit over exploding washing machines. Perhaps all of their products should come with a fire extinguisher.

The gay pride rainbow flag has been launched into space 'to spread peace' (perhaps because it has done such a great job on the ground). Perhaps we'd be better served by launching ISIS into space.

• The latest threat facing our country is..... clowns. I am not kidding. Reports of threatening clowns are coming in from all over the country. They're getting arrested by the police. Clownphobics (coulrophobia) rejoice! I'm surprised the politicians aren't getting Tough On Clowns.

if we just change the date, it's Congress!

Those Hot (and Helpful) Servers

It's been a rough week the past two days (from a work rant).

After all the normal crap at work, we had to deal with the Great Air Conditioning Debacle of 2011 (as opposed to the Great Air Conditioning Debacle of 2010). We almost fell out the door and poured ourselves into our cars. Fortunately the cars automatically drive us home or we wouldn't know how we made it (and half of us don't drink).

I rushed home to enjoy the lack of air conditioning there and work on my 2nd job. An hour into it my main job's boss calls: by the way, he tells me... it's 80 degrees in the server room.

There could be entire comedic routines written about obvious phrases, but I'll just use the phrase for now: "That's not good."

We discuss options, I suggest he locate some building people (yeah right, at 7pm). He calls back 10 minutes later to tell me he got some fans set up. One of the a/c units isn't functioning (go figure, it's the building's unit, as opposed to our in-wall cooler).

He calls a third time to tell me the temp is now 85 and maybe we should consider shutting down some servers. Righto - I told him I'd VPN in and take care of it myself.

After this it really got fun.

I'm using my main linux box for job#2, which features a brand new Windows virtual machine. Unfortunately because it's brand new, I haven't had a chance to load the VPN software so I can't use it to connect.

No problem - I fire up the seldom-used Windows box next to the linux box. As it comes up I realize I don't have the VPN software on that one either (although I thought I did). Hmm.... must be on the laptop.

You know where the laptop is, of course... it's upstairs. I've had this laptop for almost a year now and it's always in the same spot. Except today.

It's not really a problem having two jobs. The problem comes in when I have to do both of them at the same time.

I bolt upstairs to get the laptop. It's right where I left it. And the headphones I left with it have knotted themselves tightly around the latop in a death-grip.

Back downstairs with the laptop safely(?) booting up, I try to keep job#2 humming along smoothly. This will not happen. The pen I am using keeps leaping off the papers it's sitting on and trying to hide itself. It may even be trying to commit suicide by diving off the papers onto the cold cruel floor, but it won't get away for long. If I catch it running away I can always find it. If my wife uses it, I will never see it again.

While playing Save the Pen, I'm also noticing that my typing has gotten completely out of hand - worse than normal. Some people are dyslexic. Some just can't type. I'm a dyslexic typist. Every time I type`the' it comes out `teh' or `hte'. If I had a dollar for every time I typed `the' correctly, I'd have a dollar the next time it happens.

As bad as being a dyslexic typist is, my laptop has taken to playing games with me. If you have a touchpad, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The cursor will randomly move to a different line for no apparent reason (like it has three times while I have tried to type this very line). Oh yeah, I use an ergonomic keyboard except on the laptop, making it just that much more fun.

By this time (three hours later) the laptop has booted and I'm running the Windows virtual machine (yes, it's a linux laptop) with the VPN software. Only the VPN software doesn't want to come up. It wants to politely wait its turn til after the antivirus updates. It still hasn't learned that even Windows can multitask enough to update the antivirus and start up the VPN at the same time.

Once I convinced the VPN to come up and connect, I was securely connected to work #1, or so I thought. I mentally went over the list of servers and their IP addresses, realizing that I don't have all the new ones memorized yet. No problem- I just went and shut down the servers whose IP's I remembered.

Or so I thought.

There were a number of servers that would not let me connect. They returned pings but would not allow me to remote into them. One didn't even return a ping. Most interesting, especially with 85 degree and rising temperatures. And the continued efforts of a pen to shuffle off its mortal coil and join the choir invisible.

I went to get the server IP config document and realized it would be a somewhat difficult job, made moreso by the fact that I had just shut down the server that had the docs stored on it.

With a few stubborn servers left, I remoted to a different server and fired up the remote client from there. BINGO. The servers that refused to return a ping or let me remote in started returning pings and allowing me to remote in.

And I continued to type like a drunk dyslexic with a hangover and a bad case of nerves. My neighbors think there's some sort of madman living in my house, who is prone to the most egregious explosions of temper randomly. And that's in the winter with all the doors and windows closed.

Speaking of madman, I just felt something weird and looked down to find my phone's belt clip attached to the laptop's power cord. I could not explain how it got there for all the money in the world and I stopped trying a long time ago. My friend, a woman much wiser in the ways of the mystical than me, said I have a weird house. Stuff randomly leaps up for no particular reason (much like this #*@&ing cursor). When I went to put it next to my phone I noticed there was already a belt clip on the phone. This means that for the first time, something has actually helpfully appeared out of the ether, as opposed to disappearing into the ether. I won't even bother to think about this, as it could cause headaches the likes of which I have never endured.

There are still four servers that won't come down. One won't come down because I can't remote into it. Why? Because we discovered one day that whenever you remote into this blighter, it reboots. So we pretended it never happened and shut off terminal services. Ah, Windows, we love you.

As anyone who has ever used a computer knows, you can't simply shut down a Windows machine, no sir. 2000 Server wants to install updates and shut down by default. If you're not paying careful attention this is what will happen. Server 2003 isn't content to default to applying updates; it wants a reason for the shutdown. As if `BECAUSE I SAID SO' weren't good enough. I need to be second-guessed by an operating system from a state with even more rain than London. An OS that needs to be rebooted, unlike any other OS, such as linux.

And then there's the other server. It told me I wasn't allowed to log in because all the terminal server slots/licenses were being used. Neat trick, especially at 7:30pm, when there's no possible way anybody else could be using it. This turned out to be what Microsoft undoubtedly refers to as a Feature of terminal services (as opposed to Yet Another Bug). When people log out, the connection reads disconnected, but never bothers to go away. I figure this is yet another facet of Windows, the Helpful Operating System. It hasn't dropped the connection slot because it's helpfully holding it in case the person who dropped the connection wants to reconnect.

If you're following along at home, I'm using a linux laptop with a Windows virtual machine, opon which is VPN software that connects me to work. I have to remote desktop into a work server because certain other servers won't let me in. In the case of other servers, I have to remote desktop into a different server so I can access terminal services for a third server, kicking off already disconnected sessions so I can start a real session to stop the machine in the first place (at which point it asks me if I'm sure and what's the reason I'm turning it off).

Got it?

At this point I send a group text message to my team, alerting them of the problem and asking the first person in to bring up the servers, assuming we have attained server room temperatures below 85 degrees. If not, they're to shut down the remaining servers and tell everyone in the company to go pound sand.

Before I started my mad shutting-down of servers, I made certain to send an email to the entire company, letting them know that remote workers would be out of luck and that when they came in, some servers may still be down but will be up as soon as they can safely be brought back up.

The above is an act of pure optimism on my part. I do it partly because my boss asks me to and partly for mmy own amusement. What my boss fails to believe is that all of my messages to the company come with the Auto-Ignore flag attached to them. Thus no one reads them or even knows that I sent any messages in the first place. This has been documented, yet my boss still thinks I'm kidding. Sometimes I have other members of the team send out important messages in the hopes of them being read.

The other battle is that I'm not entirely certain the people at work can read. A quick visual survey reveals to even the most casual observer that we don't hire for looks. A somewhat longer stay at work reveals that we don't hire for brains either. One day perhaps we'll take a poll on what people think we do hire for. Some say it's a pulse. Othes say that a pulse isn't specifically ncessary so long as the body occasionally occupies some space in the vicinity of the desk. Not every day, mind you, but occasionally. The biggest sin is apparently not picking up your pay stub. Since we're required to have electronic deposit, we have to go to Payroll to pick up our stubs. If one doesn't pick up one's stub after a week or two, they go on Payroll's Bad List. After a few similar public humiliations don't smoke you out, they figure you either quit and neglected to notify them or the body is starting to smell.

Tomorrow morning will start predictably. People will amass in the general vicinity of their desks. A small percentage of them will actuall read the email about the servers. The large majority will immediately start screaming that their computer is broken. How have they come to this conclusion? Because they can't get to their documents. Where are their documents? On the file server that is down.

"WHY IS THE FILE SERVER DOWN?" they will scream, as if on the rack.

Didn't you read the email?

WHAT email??

MIS sent out an email. The servers were overheating.

Oh, yeah, I just knew that $&#@ing MIS was behind this. MIS sucks.

[we won't go into the logical impossibility surrounding this, lest we develop a headache of unfathomable proportions]

Even though we will all get there early to lessen the impact of this, there will still be massive whining about people not being able to do their jobs. We will be wondering what all the fuss is about... after all, the internet is still up and they can madly go downloading their Beyonce videos. Since this is more or less what they do all day anyway, it will be very confusing for us.