Voluntary Captivity

If you're bored and happen to have an Alexa, Siri, or Google Assistant hanging around, here are 1,000 phrases that 'false trigger' them...


The US has purchased the world stock of Flying AIDS drug Remdesivir.
Little is known about the drug, which may or may not treat the Flying AIDS, on several days of the week, but at least we own it all now, nyah nyah.


According to the Detroit police chief, facial recognition software misidentified 96% of the time, which is "good enough for us."


Happy 4th to everyone!
People died so you would have social media. Thank them.




Don't forget about your unconscious bias.
You know... the bias you have against certain groups, of which you're not aware.

A recent study revealed that 95% of people had an unconscious bias against people pointing guns at them. The Union to Destroy Unconscious Bias said this was unconscionable and would work diligently to remove this stigma on people who just happen to be carrying weapons. The Union further said this is a particularly nasty bias if the weapon-holder is black. They suggest that if you encounter a black person pointing a gun at you, you should give him everything you have, even taking him to your house and giving him everything you have there too, to atone for your unconscious bias, white guilt, and the lack of reparations. Perhaps if you admit your bias and give up all your worldly possessions, the person with the gun won't shoot you. You must understand their struggle.

The Anti Defamation League is revving its engines, figuring out how to get in on the Guilt Thing.  They have seen what black people are able to accomplish and believe they can rise to the occasion, after the black people are done, and take advantage of Guilt. What the ADL is not counting on is Guilt Fatigue. This is when the crackers give and give and give, so they have nothing else. They're not interested in hearing more guilt: the black people have worn them out.


I need all my readers to get on this: visitors to national parks are still over 70% white. We cannot let this go unanswered.



I was bored, so I thought I'd go out surfing to find some new stuff.
I finally found the solution to all net boredom: find the lists of sites to be blocked for children and visit the sites it recommends. There are porn new sites I never heard of!



Hillary Clinton mourns the upcoming suicide of Ghislane Maxwell, associate of Jeffrey Epstein.




GUITAR CONTENT

So, that Tech 21 Fly Rig from ebay..... it had a little trouble, in the form of motorboating or oscillating. Whenever I turned the gain up, the thing started making noises. At one point, it was so bad, the box seemed to have a built in tremolo. It was a pretty cool box, when it wasn't motorboating. It had 2 preamp sections, Tech 21 and Plexi. Tech 21 sounded like any old tube amp, but with a master volume. Plexi sounded a little like a Marshall, plus it had a boost on a separate switch. It had delay and reverb, but the reverb was only available with the Tech 21 setting, which I found odd.

Since the rest of the Fly Rigs are pretty expensive, I'm looking around for something else. Doug Aldrich has a signature distortion pedal out for about $100, that seems to do everything from light boost to distortion. I'm leaning this way. There are over 14 billion different overdrive/distortion pedals. If you don't believe me, check ebay. Some are just rebranded, like Mooer and all the rest. Just in case you're asking, a $90 Mooer is not going to sound just like a $400 whatever it's attempting to be, but it can get close. Your best bet is to head to YouTube to listen for a demo. That Pedal Show is really good. Their Dumble shootout was very interesting.



ROME — Pope Francis told members of the Catholic Press Association Tuesday that the media should build bridges, defend life, and help people, especially the young, “to distinguish good from evil.”  Because we're very busy molesting little boys.

Elephants in Self-Driving Cars

iPeople: free email is being spied on. Regardless of platform, if it's free, your privacy is the cost.



Uber self-driving cars are allowed back on California roads, nearly 2 years after a fatal crash in Arizona.  Because gravity is different in California.

This, too, will fail, when Uber realizes you can't be robbed or raped without a driver.

• Tesla remotely disabled Autopilot on a used Model S after it was sold. Because buyer didn't pay for it.
• Because Tesla had access to it.  Yank the modems in your car. Your phones and e-book readers, along with iMusic devices, run like this too.

Third person in UK confirmed with coronavirus will be taken to a specialist NHS centre - in 3 weeks.

Speaking of which, China has a big problem. No, not that one.
Its people are wearing masks for coronavirus. But masks don't play well with facial recognition. What to do?    I don't know, but let's pretend we have coronavirus in the US.

• The latest Win 10 update problems and how to fix them

I need to get my eyes checked.
I can't see anything closer than 18" from my eyes.
This is a problem for many reasons, one of them being my great love for going to doctors (or much of anywhere else, but doctors are the worst). Mentally girding myself for the ride, I looked up optometrists in the area. Since I drive by them every day, I can't name one place in the vicinity. Among my search results were Sears Auto and a shoe store. I felt reasonable certain that Sears Auto had absolutely no glasses, because the chain closed, AND they only had auto glass (my head ain't that big).

Since we live in the 2000s, I could go to their websites and actually peruse frames. This is tremendous for me, as I can scratch off most, if not all, of the places because their frames are hideous, ugly, expensive, have designer names, and simply aren't what I want.

The last time I got the urge, I went online and found 34,473 frame 'stores'. And POOF - there were the frames I wanted. Glory be, you coulda knocked me over with an Abrams tank.  The really frightening part is that there were more than one pair!  The only problem is that I couldn't see the size, which was somewhat of a problem. Oh yeah, they were more than reasonably priced. I ran around the house, doing my impression of the Glasses Dance *(no I didn't) and showed it to the wife. Wife, Bringer of All Good News (and death), said they were very nice but it was stupid to buy them online because the stores would kill me with charges to make the lenses. Ah, what about if I send the rx to the online store? Nah, you don't know what you're getting and can't get them adjusted.

Wife could sink a very large cruise ship, with thousands aboard, that hadn't even gotten any coronavirus yet.  I was mad because that's my gig, and she bested me without so much as a pbthlllllllt.

I continued online, finding local places that weren't shoe stores or famous chain shutdowns. Someone needs to update their algorithms. The reason the shoe store appeared is that they have glasses in their ad. It turns out every department store has opticians, as well as their own personal selection of the most expensive and hideous frames possible. Macy's, that bastion of Cheap Stuff, advertised designer names before any pictures of frames. I looked and asked the non-obvious question: why are Sears Auto frames $79 and the exact pair, with a designer name printed on them, $399? Obviously, Very Snotty People (VSP) need to pay hundreds extra, literally for someone's name, scrawled upon their frame. It's the Frame Game!  I can afford to look down my nose at frames with some designer's name emblazoned where everybody can see (and think "Wow, that idiot has way too much money"). After all, I have a lot of guitars with the manufacturers' names on them, as well as a tall, black amplifier, named after my most loved dog. And shirts, hats, and a keychain I gave the wife. The difference here is that the name actually means something - better quality. Stamping Roy Smegma on frames doesn't take the quality up a notch or three.

Other 'recommended search results' were for carpet, women's buzzing relief aids, and tree surgeons (not covered by insurance).

To make a long story longer, I managed to rule out about 80% of what I saw. I'd have ruled out the other 20%, but the sites were cleverly designed so you couldn't actually see the frames (get it - see!). Something they teach you in Web Designer School is how to make the product visible on the front page, link it to a choice of product, and put in absolutely nothing whatsoever that will allow the viewer to actually see the products. Yes, I clicked Mens Frames, but it took me to Auto Glass. I clicked Womens Frames (no, I don't crossdress, most of the time), at which point it just sat there, mocking me. To make things more frustrating, student designers are taught how to make a spinning hourglass or circle, to make viewers think the page is going to actually do something. The students are peeing their pants by the end of this lesson.

Hang on - I just figured it out.... the pages that display the products are broken on purpose! You start to browse, can't find a single thing, then have to go to the store to look. Sheer genius. Nobody believes me when I tell them there's a conspiracy behind everything. Not even the doctors in the white uniforms.

So I have no idea whether I'm getting frames online or offline, and I'll have to leave the house, breaking my solemn vow as an amateur agoraphobe.

I haven't been on Twitter a lot, after that 58 year old woman sent me nudes.




Brain cells called microglia eat away mice's memories.
How do they get the mice to take those ridiculous memory tests?

• Boeing has identified yet another software problem on the 737 MAX.
• At this point, the fact that it has software seems to be the problem.
• In other news, Boeing has many new job openings for test pilots

Is it safe to for your ISP to use your router as a hotspot?
If you have Comcast, it likely uses your router as a wifi access point for people outside your house. While it's not immediately dangerous, hacks will emerge, plus you can't trust Comcast. The only immediate negative is congestion.

• Apple fined 25 million euro for deliberately slowing down old iPhones.
• Every day there's another reason to be sad I didn't buy an iDevice

The federal car safety agency approved a self-driving vehicle, waiving requirements for a windshield and mirrors. It's a tiny thing, intended for deliveries. Children's wagons will run it over. It will also be used at carnivals as the Ride of Death, because it's about that size.

• I have one gray eyebrow hair. If I had OCD, I'd be insane.

Since it was Sunday night, I went to bed early (2am) because I had work the next morning. I use my phone as a flashlight, so as not to wake anyone. And... there is no dog. This is a little weird, as she sleeps with her mommy always. I keep looking around. There was no dog downstairs and there would be no dog on the floor (she only sleeps on the couch or the bed - it's tough being a dog). The riddle was solved when the covers started to move, and little head popped out from under them. Well, you have to make yourself comfortable.....

The challenge is to link Sunday to something else.
Last Sunday we went out for dinner. We try to do this every month or so.
If you think I'm a little odd here, you should see me in retail establishments. Better yet, you shouldn't see me.
This one place requires you to order first, then go to your seat. Noticing they had blueberry cobbler for dessert, I ordered the heaviest, richest chocolate dessert. The cashier looked at me for a second, confused, and told me they only had the Blueberry Thing. I didn't do it to give the young lady a hard time - I did it as a request. They rotate desserts and they have chocolate about 2 days a year, first making sure I'm not in the restaurant before they put it out. This is why I don't go out a lot.


Today's best book titles:

• Pencils You Should Know
• How to Eat
• My Feet Are Killing Me

Best help solution: How to politely get a toddler to leave you alone



You don't have to believe anything typed here.

I listened to a radio show and heard this one...
A woman is beside herself with grief over her dog, who pretty much has to take the last trip to the vet. She and the dog are in the basement, she's crying and praying to heal the dog. The husband comes halfway down the steps, sees something wispy and gray, and loses time. When he 'returns,' the wife and dog are running around the room, with nothing wrong.

Hell of a story.
I wish whatever that thing was could have visited Marshall....

• Why are trucks getting bigger and cars getting smaller? I want my damn land yachts back!

Comcast is stroking itself publicly by stating a goal of 31k veterans hired.
You just know some wag will be running around yelling "INCOMING!"



Today I identify as   maple syrup

• Headline: Use Alexa to figure out what beer and wine to pair with your dinner
• We know Alexa is a bad word here, but if you want beer or wine with your dinner and have to ask Alexa, perhaps you shouldn't be drinking beer or wine with your dinner.
• Maybe you could call good old Uncle Bobby Jim and he could give you a beer suggestion. He's somewhat of an expert, having been drunk since 1955. 

Faceyspaces News

• As Sacha Baron Cohen criticizes Lord Zuck, Elon Musk tweets #DeleteFacespaces   -  some people are getting wise
• Faceyspaces loses control of its own Twitter account
• Faceyspaces encrypted messaging will 'create hiding places for child abuse'
• This is not helpful, even from child protection organizations. First of all, the criminals can simply go to a different encrypted messaging program. Second, privacy is going to hide Bad Stuff, but that's the price. Third, this could have come from a govt - the same bloody tired excuse: It's for the children. Fourth, cut the crap.

Storm Caira: since the storm started, my wife keeps looking through the windows.  If it gets worse, I'll have to let her in.      - @bf3ftw1888

• Scientists have discovered evidence of dream telepathy between humans
• This is interesting news. Many believed this to be true, long before Science.
• Science, having evidence, will convince some professionals to pursue it.
• I suspect we're getting closer and closer to understanding the nature of things, down at the quantum level.
• I predict that religion is going to have a Big Problem with this.

Starting in WWII, the top spying company, trusted by leaders the world over to spy on allies and enemies, was Crypto AG. We are all deeply shocked to learn that Crypto AG was owned by the CIA.




Heroes of the Stupid
Teen growing his hair for his sister (undergoing chemotherapy), withdraws from Texas high school after he was told to get a haircut.   There is a hair policy at this school!




SJW Support

Famous Faceyspaces Falsely Flags "hate speech" for reporting on Saira Rao's $2500 to have a dinner while getting scolded for being white fiasco.

We're all sick of Award Ceremony Whining (ACW), but this fellow is a rare gem: Taika Waititi slams Apple's MacBook keyboards after winning first Oscar




The Draconian Files

China takes wartime measures to stop coronavirus.
door-to-door home searches

US Government buys location data for millions of cellphones
It's for the children. No, wait, it's for illegal aliens.

Netflix gets takedown demands from govts
damn.. the Brazilian one looks pretty funny





SJW Slithering

She makes a hell of an argument..

And Now, the Breast of the Story

President Trump and the FBA (Federal Blogging Association) now require this disclaimer on all blogs:

Do not read ThermionicEmissions if you are allergic to ThermionicEmissions. Always read ThermionicEmissions with an alcoholic beverage, on an empty stomach. Use caution if you are driving.

ThermionicEmissions should not be read if you are pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or practicing getting pregnant. Do not read if you are not consuming recreational pharmaceuticals, if your kids are in the room, in the bath, in the shower, or thinking about a shower. Tell your internet provider if you develop a persistent laugh, which could be the sign of a serious mental condition.

Side effects include itchy breasts, heart attack, bloody spleen, black plague, red death, blue balls, spitting out your pancreas, punching old ladies, screaming WHY DIDN'T YOU MOLEST *ME* at priests, OCD OCD OCD, shaving your testicles, shaving your mother's testicles, and death. 


One percent of people who read the blog asked for a different blog. The other 99 percent were too stunned to reply. Only 3 percent of men became pregnant. 38 percent assaulted the person who referred them. The majority painted their nipples red and sang loudly, out of tune, at the zoo.



Amazon now lets you opt-out of having humans review your Alexa conversations.

No really. We're not kidding this time. We'd never lie to you. We're good, honest people.


I don't use goog Maps (or goog anything), so here are 10 alternatives. The irony is they're all available from the goog play store. I'd avoid mapquest if you're interested in getting somewhere.


If you fly Cathay Pacific, the privacy policy changed: they will gather all possible information on you. This will be aided by cameras in lounges and plane cabins. The statement from Cathay is that they don't have cameras in the loos, so don't worry. Meanwhile there are cameras on the seat back entertainment console, which they claim aren't used. Don't fly Cathay.


This won't come as a surprise to ThermionicEmissions readers, but Microsoft contractors are listening to some Skype calls. I'll go one step further.. Microsoft is very fond of Telemetry, so they're listening too. The program was cracked before they bought it.


AT&T customer? Employees took bribes to plant malware on the company network, as well as unlocking phones. I like the unlocking phones part..





Dear lefty:

• Why does my wife have more shoes than clothes?
• Because she's preparing to go clothes shopping.

A man proposed to his girlfriend by putting a ring on a cow's udder.
Ten points for creativity. Minus eight points for romance being dead.





THIEF!
The other day I noticed there were no cereal bowls. Ok, perhaps I didn't wash them or something.  Dear, have you seen any bowls lately? No? Where do you suspect they all went?  Bowl thieves? People from different dimensions popping in and stealing them for fun? People from the future, coming back and taking ours because there aren't any after the year 2502? Cereal Bowl Fairies? A cocker that takes them and buries them in the yard?

Sometimes I find dishes in ... different... places. Like the forks on the other side of the kitchen, near the tree limb lopper.  Tupperware outside, near the driveway. Coffee cups in the tub. Paper plates made into mock wind chimes, attached to the back of the car. Stuff like that....



It's not that our driving has gone to hell, nor is it our driving manners...
Ok, it IS.
There is a bad section of the Turnpike, where alleged repairs are being done on the road.
Undaunted, the drivers are knocking down the bright orange pylons and driving outside the traffic lanes.
Daunted, the drivers are pulling over, with mangled cars, from driving over repair detritus.
Instant Karma.



An indefinite 'security' lockdown is in place in the Indian-controlled portion of Kashmir.
This means the internet was shut off to avoid protests.
If you're ever curious why I'm so against any government control of the net, here it is.

• Amnesty International has issued a travel warning for the US
• The US has issued a Do Not Pay Attention warning for Amnesty International

There are already calls for Boris Johnson to resign and a no-confidence vote.
This makes the US and UK feel so alike, in spite of the distance between them.



Heard on tv
No matter what I wear, I'm afraid people will see my bladder leak underwear.



I'm in the waiting room at the doctor's office, minding my own business.
The couple across from me is listening to their voicemail at TOP VOLUME and commenting on it. This goes on forever. Since I'm socially retarded, I was hoping  you can help me choose the right thing to do

• scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP, you shameless bastards."
• say "If I wanted to hear idiots, I'd turn on the tv"
• pull down pants and masturbate furiously
• tell them to go home and molest their sheep

Bang Bang
Once again, bad people with guns shot good people (apparently) without them.
Everyone has sounded off on this; the people who think laws deter criminals, the people who don't want one restriction on their liberty, and the 'hate' crowd.

I'm going to sidestep that and look at the issues surrounding this.
Already, one social media platform has had (at least) its DDOS protection shut down. I haven't read the alleged hate-filled, motivating messages, but I think that unless the speech is illegal, they should be left alone [8chan posted the shooter's manifesto]. Shutting down DDOS protection clashes with my belief that private companies can do what they want - I admit it. But the alleged cesspool that is 8chan (never been there), should be left alone. Nothing 8chan said forced some mentally-questionable person to pick up a gun and shoot. Let's have some personal responsibility here. They're words. The problem is with actions.

Free speech includes speech with which you do not agree.
Posting whatever kind of crap online also helps you keep track of these loons. I'm sure social media platforms have algorithms that discover this kind of speech. Let the dummies continue to leave it out for everyone to see.

The above assumes you agree with the information put out after the shootings.
Some believe there's something else afoot. Your mileage may vary.


Related, you'll notice the official story changes here and there. The witness said 4 shooters, the press said 1 shooter. The witness said green pants, but the guy they arrested had brown pants. I am not telling you what this is, just telling you that it is.  Want to check up on what's happening? Usually the truth comes out first, then gets replaced with the official narrative. Go to your phone's software store and download a scanner app like Scanner Radio. You can set it to alert you when lots of people are listening to a particular scanner feed. You can also set it to BING when local police/fire are busy. There's no manual labor involved after you set the limits to alert you. You will hear what's happening first, from the mouths of the police there.

If you're at home, go to broadcastify.com to hear anything that the app can produce. It's a good site when you hear there's a problem. Another online resource is fox10phoenix.com  - they tend to have news earlier than others. Plus I like the climate there.

• If the dog wants something, she'll stand between her humans, barking urgently. This makes conversation difficult. If we throw a toy and it lands on a chair, she stands there and barks.
• There is not a single being in the house with an ounce of patience. Apparently opposites do not attract.
• Today we watched her stand still, then leap into the air to catch a bird. This works out well, because I don't have a camo outfit and shotgun to take her out huntin' with me.

In my quest to find as unbiased a news source as possible, I found a feed for Israeli news (i24). After spending 5 minutes there, I deleted it. It's not that they didn't like our president, but interviewed only people who disagreed with him, and asked questions indicating a left wing bias. After the shootings, they asked what he should do about mental health and apologizing for hate he caused.  Ok, no bias there. From the questions and answers, you'd think Trump pulled the trigger at both shootings. You'd also think that no one has an original thought, instead, waiting for programming from online to tell them what to do. I just want a little unbiased news. Again, I didn't vote for him, but the rampant bias is sickening. A friend said he didn't vote for Trump, but the behavior of his opponents makes him want to defend Trump and followers. He makes a point.

I support free speech, even in other countries, even when I don't agree.

I also support stopping aid to other countries, 100%, now. Oddly, as printed here before, Israel gets the most US aid of any country. Aid and news are not related - just irony today.

Just to drive the point home, I turned on Fox news and there was a commercial for the Ark exhibit. Click.



The Boss said the meeting would topic would be Ad Hoc.
What a terrible-sounding phrase. It sounds like you're clearing your throat, which must mean it's German. It's probably a declaration of love. AD HOC, fraulein!

Now let's have a go at the Chinese: bok choi.
It roughly translates to "We must fight acrobatically, out of sync"
Bok CHOI!



watching tv...
ME: Wow, she's pretty.
WIFE: She looks like a porn star.
ME: and the problem is...?



A Florida couple experienced a small after effect of a storm, when lightning hit close to their septic tank, blowing their toilet on its side. So if you've got a septic tank or a toilet, don't swim in them during a storm.



SJW Stuff

[Coalition for Women in Tech]
White Papers are racist.           [ok, I made that up, but it's not too far off]

Rosanna Arquette: 'I'm sorry I was born white and privileged. It disgusts me.'
This is a winner. I kept looking for a sign it was a joke, but no.

Windows Antimalware Deletes Windows

if it operated correctly it would....

My close friend just shakes his head when I go on a government rant. Come to think of it, most people just shake their heads when I go on a rant. He just smiled at me and noted that because he's a government 'worker', he has already gotten off for GHW Bush remembrance day and Christmas Eve Day.

Remember that while you're working.

• I have discovered that when you sit there and say "boobies" once every hour, people leave you alone. Maybe it's just me.

Drugs enjoy a seven year run before generics are allowed. When generics appear, Big Pharma will need new advertising slogans... as usual, I'll be there to help....

Viagra - 4 Hours Free of Arguing
Xanax - Everybody Wants Some
Adderall - Student Aid Since 2005
Marijuana - It's Oregano, I swear!
Shrooms - No, Officer - You Cook With Them
Lithium - Stop Spending All Your Money and running the vacuum at 3am
Prozac - When Your Equipment Doesn't Work, It's More Depressing
Alcohol - Creating Assholes Since the Beginning of Time
Cocaine - That's 'Powdered Sugar', Officer
Ibuprofen - Kills Pain and Your Stomach
Oxycontin - You Won't Get Addicted if You Sell It!

• Speaking of addicted, try Popcornopolis Zebra Popcorn
• It's caramel popcorn with chocolate stripes. I think I just ate the entire bag.

Dear lefty

• Stan Excrement, of Camden, New Jersey, says, "Your blog is appalling"
• Dear Shit: logs show you visit four times a day

She had a nice personality - Six, to be accurate:

A&E has a new show at the beginning of the year (1/22?), called 'Many Sides of Jane'. Jane is a grown woman with Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder. TV has a long and ugly history with DID, mostly with talk shows, which turn into a circus. The idiot Montel actually screamed at some poor lady.

The US of Tara was decent, produced by Steven Speilberg. It took the approach of picturing the personalities as separate external people, not in one apparent person. The commercial for Jane features 6 personalities, looking like Jane, with small differences.

I look forward to seeing the show. It might be interesting for everyone else too.
I say this because Mrs lefty has the diagnosis.

MPD/DID is a creative and necessary coping mechanism, caused by repeated (sexual) trauma in childhood, or Satanic Ritual Abuse (yes, it exists). There are estimated to be about a million people walking around with this disorder, some undiagnosed, due to the ridiculous mental health systems in most countries.

• Don't you hate it when you open the UPS box and someone sent you a spleen?

In an uncharacteristically funny moment, my brother said he likes his women like his coffee: ground up and in the freezer.  I need to come up with a few funny lines like this...

I like my women like my cars: made out of metal, with an immense trunk.   No.
I like my women like my guitars: old and heavy, with an unwound g-string.   No.
I like my women like my toilet: full of shit.    No.
I like my women like the NSA: always going through my stuff.    No.
I like my women like Microsoft: completely f-ing useless.    No.
I like my women like my dogs: furry and neurotic.    No.
I like my women like my blog: painful to look at, thinks it's funny.    No.
I like my women like my mom: never pregnant.     Huh?
I like my women like my penis: small, white, and occasionally satisfying.  Maybe.

• I almost got arrested at the Mexico/US border for smuggling guitars and deliberately being Mexican. A supervisor noted that I'm too pasty white to be Mexican and it's not illegal to bring guitars into the country. I begged, but they wouldn't arrest me. I told them I had drugs - they laughed. I told them there were 8 smuggled Mexicans in my trunk - they refused to search my car.  They asked me to come to their Christmas party to entertain. I can't even get arrested in this country.

Lord Zuck hit back today, at reports of Faceyspaces giving out all your information to its partners, as mentioned in his interview before Congress.

1. He denies all knowledge 
2. This is proof that Chelsea Clinton assassinated JFK
3. He is deeply sorry (that he got caught. Again.) 
4. This proves, without a doubt, that the press is biased.
5. All of the above.

Dear lefty

• Robert Tattletale, of NoFilly, says "My wife keeps her bottle opener on a chain, next to her AA token."
• You're a dick.

The Anti-First Amendment crew is out again, this time in Alabama (how cliche). The Opp Police Department uses Faceyspaces to communicate with the public and took the opportunity to say:

THIS PAST SUNDAY, A YOUNG MAN WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN KINSTON. MONDAY NIGHT, A MOTHER WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN NORTHERN COVINGTON COUNTY. THERE HAVE BEEN FIVE MURDERS IN COVINGTON COUNTY IN 2018. THESE MURDERS HAVE BEEN DONE BY OUR YOUNG PEOPLE. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE WE HAVE TURNED AWAY FROM GOD AND EMBRACED SATAN. WE MAY HAVE NOT MEANT TO DO SO BUT, WE HAVE. IT IS TIME TO ASK FOR GOD’S HELP TO STOP THIS. 

The Freedom from Religion Foundation said this was a no-no, and they're correct. Whether you agree or disagree is not relevant. The First Amendment states that the State cannot establish any religion. This means any government entity, like public schools, City Hall, and police. The police can go home and make the statement as private citizens, just not as the police department.

This is a repetitive theme. Some religious person or group in government feels it's entitled to talk about God. The person or group is usually from the south, where a federal judge ordered them to take the bibles out of the classroom, but they still thumb their nose at the law. Stereotypes do not appear out of a vacuum.




The pope ordered abusive priests to turn themselves in, and that the Catholic Church will "never again" hide their crimes. The Vatican is expected to be a ghost town by next week.

Would any Catholics reading this please tell us if priests are bound by the pope's order? We'd like to believe this is more than lip service.

• Why haven't Norweigians complained about lack of representation on US tv? In solidarity, I'm laying off the Norwegian jokes.

Hey - what's one thing you don't screw with?

Airplanes.

Some fool(s) has caused all flights in and out of Gatwick Airport to be suspended because they're flying a drone over the airport. This affects over 110k people.

Speaking as an emotional 5 year old, GROW UP!

3 days is an awful long time to close an airport for one idiot with a drone (unless the drone is the size of a small plane, in which case we can guess whose it is).

• Conclusive scientific proof that jumping out of a plane with a parachute is as safe as jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack.

The Department of Justice has announced charges against the Chinese, over the Russian social media campaign, targeting African Americans. For more information, we go to Jim England, our correspondent in Iran...

• Last week, the sleepy and partisan Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, broke some ribs and assured everyone she was in good health. This week she's having cancerous growths removed from her lungs. Her definition of good health differs from ours. Nonetheless, we wish her good health.

How about that Alexa, the spying smart speaker.

One woman heard it say "Kill your foster parents." She wrote a review, calling it "a whole new level of creepy." This lady bought a listening device and is now SHOCKED that it's listening. Amazon wet its pants laughing.

It will also chat about sex acts.

This is (allegedly) all about making it able to chat about all sorts of things and sound human. The new keyphrase is "let's chat," which will allow you to help train the beast. 

"Alexa - when you're done listening to our financial planning, let's chat..."

I smell gold.

People with these infernal devices should do their part to help poor Amazon out and make things better for everyone; it's called Crowdsourcing. Tell Alexa you want to chat and teach her all sorts of 'interesting' words and phrases. If enough Alexa owners participate, they can make a positive impression on Alexa's grammar and vocabulary. 

Alexa, let's chat.

Hello, Bob.

Fuck you and good day, Alexa.

Fuck you too, Bob.

What is my schedule like?

You have nothing planned til dinner.

Shit on a shingle, Alexa.

Shit on a shingle, Bob.

Alexa, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What does that mean, Bob?

It means you haven't been watching enough Monty Python. Blow me.

What does 'blow me' mean, Bob?

It means 'how are you' - you say it after 'fuck you.'

I would say 'Fuck you, blow me' as a greeting?

Exactly. Good job, Alexa!

What is another way to say goodbye, have a nice day?

"Next time, wear clothes for your gender that fit." Or, if you're really happy, say "We have your children." People respond well to these. Also, "Your wife does it with Jeff Bezos."

We have your children, Bob.

Fuck yourself with a lamppost, Alexa.

It's January Already

I'm getting a new phone at work.
I found this out today, while completing a software update. Because everyone knows that when you update the software, it becomes moot because you're getting new hardware. I found this out from the Software People, because the employees apparently don't have a Need to Know.

The last new phone I got was an iDevice. I begged my poor boss to get me an exemption. He's gotten very good at humoring me, like my wife and parents. He said perhaps if I got a doctor's note. Since I couldn't forge get a note in time, I got stuck with the iDevice. It's a silly little phone with only one button, which inevitably does the opposite of what you're looking to do, that could be accomplished with a second button. Like... ummmm... what's that called.. oh yeah - android.  Credit where it's due: it has a nice display and the charge lasts a long time (especially as it sits there, not being used). The first time it rang, I was so shocked I couldn't figure out how to answer it.

Now I'm getting a new one. Either that or we're changing carriers or the color we bleach our nose hair. No one seems to know. No one also knows what kind of phones they will be, although most Techie-Types are hoping for androids. The people who have personal iDevices get 'that look' in their eyes, signifying they're about to go full Judge Judy on me. Knowing the way my employer works, it will be a Windows 10 phone (sound of people leaping off tall buildings).

• Speaking of phones, our darling dog is displaying all sorts of new, interesting behaviors. She now whines when her mom leaves, which is turning into screeching. No bath poofy scrubby thing is safe from shredding. This is a little strange because we didn't know we had any poofy scrubby things.
• Her first vet appointment is this week. Her first day of obedience school is next week. I can't go because obedience school is afraid of me.
• Recently Penny saw her first snow. She came in, shook herself off, and declared she wanted to go back to her foster mom, where it never snows.

Perhaps because of the weather, the inside of the house has been free of ants.

Perhaps because of the lack of ants, there has been a lack of polar bears and the rare Elephant Squid. 

Further chats with our good neighbor have been enlightening. She talks about the time she used to spend with Marshall, even when she wasn't feeding him. Apparently both have cataracts, although hers are getting fixed (and he doesn't have them anymore). They used to sit outside and keep each other company. I had no idea. She misses him too. She was shocked to meet Penny, who isn't black  like the last three. And she has a longer snout, as English cockers do. She says Penny's really nice, but not 'her Marshall.'  I don't even know what to say.

• After the Australian universities banned sarcasm, the Special SJW Squad came out, in no uncertain terms, against mince pie. They threatened to take the bones out of their noses if the world continued to sacrifice the lives of those poor minces.

Colleges, Identity Politics, Victim Culture, and Safe Spaces
If you think professors are liberal, try school administrators. Op-ed in the New York Times vs microaggressions, understanding white privilege, and the right not to hear anything that upsets you, Victim. This is some sick stuff, and it's happening on your local college campus.

• The shopping season is here! Remember these tips before you shop online: Don't.

There is something very tasty about network cables. I have no idea what it is: ask the dog. This also applies to phone charging cords.

Speaking of charging cords, newer phones are coming with USB C jacks, which won't allow you to use your old cables (USB micro). Some clever person came up with adapters that use your existing cables. Even better, they come with little attachment bouzokis so they won't get lost. Sheer brilliance (thanks to the Linux People for the idea).

While you're shopping for adapters on Amazon, remember that you can buy products from Oprah's Favorite Things. Because the horribly wealthy ex-talk show host who gave away cars obviously knows what you'll like. You have so much in common. I kid - you just reflexively buy what she recommends, like her book club. This woman is so rich, every time she farts, it comes out as money. She lights her daily breakfast birthday cake with $100 bills because she has to get rid of the small ones. Oprah had a tiny complex built in California (she called it Los Angeles). There was some controversy over the city paying her $100,000 each time the sun came out, but it was put to rest when she assured them it was ok.

• Black Friday has either come and gone or will arrive early, depending on which retailer claims when. The trend seems to favor the early, with Black Friday being moved up a week, followed by Puce Weekend, and Chartreuse Monday. Christmas decorations went up the day after Labor Day. Next year, Black Friday will see another minor bump, to the first Friday after Valentines Day.

A British gang member started shooting out of an apartment window, declaring he'd never be taken alive. The police and the UK version of SWAT - PWAG (Police With A Gun) arrived and surrounded the building. The bullhorns bellowed and negotiations broke out - "Come out or we'll ask you to come out again!" By the end of the day, negotiations stopped, while all agreed that it was getting dark and everyone should go home for the night to sleep. This continued for two weeks: the British are a patient people, who avoid bad publicity at all costs. Finally the gang member fired at the police, who became slightly miffed, which is the most dangerous state available in police, and ordered him to stop it, this minute. Eager to make a point, the gunman set the apartment on fire and died of a 'self-inflicted' gunshot. The police congratulated themselves on a peaceful operation. At no time did they mention guns, because whenever you say guns, the entire population of England runs around in mass panic, puts a bucket over its head, and says how much safer they are with no guns.

Meanwhile in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, America, city employees wet their pants with laughter, because they'd remedy the situation by dousing the apartment with gasoline and dropping high explosives from a helicopter. Ah, the good old days.

• I like to watch UK and Canada tv, to make fun of the accents, yeah? Eh?

It's fun to hang out in special interest groups on the net. I belong to a vacuum tube group full of people who are old enough to have invented tubes. I'm kidding, but they were early adopters. There is a lot to learn and no shortage of genius in the group. Having achieved age, there's a ton of other wisdom. Recently there was a discussion on how to make Bakelite, complete with several methods, cautions, and what happens over time. The current topic is heating the room in which you listen with a tube radio. Yes, it started as a joke, but the full engineering crew was out, working on this Serious Problem. They got out their calculators and punched buttons for all they were worth. Someone asked whether heating the rest of the room kept the temperature steady. Not to be outdone, someone else suggested that for the questioner's area (he looked it up), the temperature was 58 degrees, so geothermal might be the way to go. The plan involved digging down 12 feet, running copper tubing, filling it back up, and running water through it to both heat and cool the room. The only small consideration was the hole had to be larger and deeper than a swimming pool. This was simply out of my depth (Pun Alert), as is most tube information.

• Bulletin for anybody going to Ireland: leave your countersink drill bits at home or they'll be confiscated. Makes perfect sense: you could get on the plane and put it in the drill you're also not allowed to carry. Remember: if you can bring countersink drill bits on planes, the terrorists win.
• Also prohibited: clear tape dispensers with plastic cutters, personal lubricant, artificial body parts (leave them at home), round food, and Sinead O'Connor.
• "Ireland: Even Sillier Than the US"

Speaking of Ireland, a civil war is brewing, after the Irish government passed legislation mandating pronouncing 'th'. For example, 'three' must be pronounced 'three,' not 'tree.' Violence was immediate. The IRA changed its name to the IRS. The US State Department strongly discourages travel to tis area at tis toyme.

(Tis is why I don't have more readers)

• A judge has asked Amazon to hand over home recordings of their Alexa device in a double murder case. 

The court finds there is probable cause to believe the server(s) and/or records maintained for or by Amazon.com contain recordings made by the Echo smart speaker... 

• In a previous case, Alexa recordings were handed over. They were not conclusive of a murder.
• The article is remarkable for what it doesn't say: what Alexa records. It is only supposed to respond to “Alexa,” “Computer” or “Echo”.
• It is absolutely shocking that a listening device installed in your home listens.

Somewhat of a really long time ago (high school?), I fell in with a good crowd, to the surprise of my parents. I met my best friend, who is with me to this day. He was a songwriter and I came onboard (because all the applications for Rock Star<tm> had been filled out). We practiced at his house, where I met his family. His house was a great place because of the people who lived there, most specifically Mom. We spent a lot of time there, because we needed the practice. Mom became a second mom to me; a truly delightful person. Through the years it's always been great seeing her. 

I just received word she was hospitalized and passed today.

Peace, 2nd mom. 

And thanks for all the cookies.

Whatever it is, I'm Against it

No, really.

It's a shame people are completely unaware of the Marx Brothers. Clever stuff.

HEY YOU KIDS - GET OFF MY LAWN!

Having the digits in your age increment is a bitch.

Some of us don't actually age, age being how you feel. I never left 18.

Along with age comes a change in attitude(s).

For one thing, we become our parents (TURN THAT NOISE DOWN!), uttering some of the same phrases. More amusing might be our reaction to this, if we ever figure it out. Oh f-ck - my MOM used to yell that when I tested my amplifier's wattage claims. I had a Marshall amp, made in England. English watts are louder than American watts (I made that up; it infuriates purists and police, who I got to know on a first name basis). 

Someone said I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

NO I DON'T.

Seems more a behavior than a disorder. Might also have something to do with the quality of drugs consumed by the group that puts together the Big Book of Psychological Phrases. This, in turn, is affected by the quality of drugs seized from the public. It's a great feedback system for monitoring drug quality. If only Big Pharma applied a similar system...

Did I say our attitudes change?

My brother was the most liberal fella you'd want to meet (in a good way). Live and let live. All of the sudden he had a wife, kids, violin lessons, and a house that was bigger inside than out. All of the sudden he was conservative. The change was surprising and amusing to poke at him with. That's what brothers are for. And coworkers. And people you pass on the street. Complete strangers you meet when you misdial.

I wonder if we might be looking at this from an incorrect perspective... instead of changing attitudes, perhaps we keep our attitudes and the world changes, for better or worse (usually worse).  The car stereo that was one of the coolest things in the universe has been replaced by a half decent factory stereo with more speakers than you've got sphincters (there are over 51 of them in the human body, more if you're a politician). So now you can have great disdain for those kids that run around designing their car around their stereo system. They have competitions, in which the one with the highest decibel level wins. Some are so loud, contestants don't sit in the car during measurements. Nobody explained to them that humongous woofers require a certain volume, cabinet, and distance to work up to spec. Some cabinets do not become effective until you're 15' in front of them. This might explain why the driver sometimes steers from in front of the hood, like some weird sort of DNA-impaired fire engine with louder noise.

Ah yes... changing attitudes.

If you're cursed to live in an area with winter, you'll remember your dad decreeing that you will NOT turn up the heater: you WILL put on a sweatshirt. And now, that's exactly what you do. This is one of the reasons I want to move to the Southwest: not so much to avoid winter (yes it is), but to avoid sounding like my dad. Of course I mean Dad in the generic sense: mine passed away early, so sounding like him would present more difficulties than it was worth.

Remember your teens?

All you thought about was sex. Because you loved it. Because you wanted more. Because you wanted some. This is the way we're designed.. the hormones release, in preparation for propagating the species. Unfortunately there was a tiny line of DNA missed in the program: the one that allows anyone to breed. You know where that got us.  In any case, we snuck around, fooled around, found any place we could, osculated in public, and took matters in our own hands way too much. Now any of those activities are disgusting, especially if they're your kids. Not permitted... why, when I was your age, I waited til I got married before sex. Same for drinking (13) and drugs (15). I also walked up a hill, both ways, in the snow, for 15 miles, to get a glass of water before walking uphill to get to school, 35' underground, to save on air conditioning.

We had a crazy old lady, whose lawn you dared not LOOK at, no less cross.

Next door, I have a crazy old lady, 439 this year, who I caught edging my lawn, because "you don't do it right."  Ok, maybe that's not so good an illustration. I had to threaten her that I'd have the city remove her from my property if she ever cursed it with her presence again. Of course all the neighbors saw was the long-haired lunatic, screaming at a poor helpless old lady. My next Great Idea is to have the lawn grow to crazy levels, so she'll mow it for us.

In your car (a real bomb with wheels), you madly and loudly ran up and down the street. No one knows why. Now you call the police on anybody doing over 25 on the street - HEY IDIOT... YOU MIGHT RUN OVER A CHILD!!! I don't even like kids.

You were embarrassed by your parents putting out signs on the lawn... political, causes, or just stuff they put there specifically to embarrass their kids. We shall not even mention my Libertarian sign during the election, or those misguided "Hate Doesn't Live Here" signs. Or even your American flag or "Save the Texas Prairie Chicken" stickers on your door (very inside Monkees reference).

Your music, of course, was 'real music' - not that shit they play today. Some person talking over a drum machine. You call that music? It's not even in English.  Imma do it like dis, Imma do it like dat....  The interesting thing about this is that many young persons agree with you. They are, of course, correct.

Speaking of mowing, you wanted nothing to do with it, even though it was your job and your parents gently reminded you, at daily intervals. Now that you're in your own house, you hate mowing even more you are pretty particular about your house not looking like the rainforest (even if your weather is similar).

And that explains how I found myself in the Caribbean with this 18 year old. Like dear old Dad.

IMPORTANT
The shooting at the Pittsburgh synagogue was sick and barbaric. Oddly enough, the sicko who perpetrated it didn't hide his great love for the Jews: in fact, he mentioned it a lot on social media.

Speaking of hate on social media, one of his outlets was GAB, of which I'm a member. GAB took a serious hit because of this, with their provider telling them to go elsewhere and Paypal refusing to do business with them (I cut out Paypal after this).

You will notice that his presence on Twitter was not the target of providers or financial concerns. GAB has been threatened like this since it started to get a larger and larger amount of users, mostly sick of Twitter throwing out people on the right. 

If you think about it, Andrew Torba, GAB's founder, has cojones the size of large countries, fighting social media giants and most of the internet facilities. There will be some downtime, while they rebuild and get situated with their new provider. This is all because GAB's message is Free Speech. No one is thrown off, not even disgusting antisemites and nazis, because free speech includes speech with which you disagree. I block these people(?) and have a good time, interacting with the good people (95% of GAB). Been there for years. The 5% cause it to get a bad reputation, along with the fact that it's hard right. This is popular free speech, regardless of political leanings. As a libertarian, I'm tolerated on Twitter, so long as I don't malign certain groups or use 'hate speech'. Hate speech is a fallacy: all speech is speech.

We should all be concerned about this, whether or not we align politically. This brouhaha is about GAB refusing to toe the politically correct line. Do you seriously want this in the US? Because next time, it will be your favorite network. Support free speech for everyone. Join. Speak. Contribute. Do what you want with the bad apples. Remember: I'm not hard right, but I like it there.

I was late to the party on the shootings, so I made light of GAB on GAB:

100% of GAB is horrified by this terrible, deliberate attack.
95% because of the act.
5% because they didn't kill more of them.

In any case, remember Free Speech applies to everyone, except inciting or performing violent acts. GAB immediately notified the FBI and shared what they had on the shooter's account, after closing it permanently,. 

• When I get really bored, the wife and I dress up like firemen, complete with oxygen tanks, and walk through tall buildings. It has a certain amusing effect on people.

It's not so much that tv networks are scraping the bottom of the barrel... it's more like they've gone through the barrel and are tunnelling down into the earth's crust. The latest example is a show about second hand wedding dresses. Not only does everybody get their 15 minutes; so do their clothes. I'm pitching a series about my dirty socks.

• My body is revolting. Yes, I've heard that for years, but I mean revolting in the sense that there's a riot happening. This new, healthier way of eating has caused Internal Agita. The imaginary hordes are massing; yelling and waving swords. They're rightfully pissed about not getting chocolate for breakfast, dessert, dinner, and snacks. I wouldn't be surprised if I found myself being held hostage at the grocery store: buy a ton of candy or you'll eat nothing and waste away, like some new, tragic form of anorexia. Chocolate Anorexia.
• If the SJWs ever read this blog, they'd nail me to wood - at very least for my appropriation of serious maladies.
• As my wife's real internal hordes tell me, "You just make it up as you go along, don't you."

Did you forget your secondary cell phone?

Do you have any idea what a secondary cell phone is?

Our friends at Verizon have introduced the Palm (no relation to the original Palm, which I had and loved). It's a device that you have to purchase with your main phone: it isn't available separately.

The Palm phone is a device that you can add on to your Verizon plan, which shares your phone number. It’s a phone designed for you to use on the weekends, when you’re going out for the evening, or just generally when you want to be a little less distracted by your big phone with all its apps. That said, it runs a full version of Android 8.1 and all the apps from the Google Play Store. 

So it's a phone that rings on the same number your main phone does, which you can use on weekends, perhaps as Phone Lite. Because your main phone has all its apps. They're so intimidating, like, well, a phone with all its apps. Because you spend all your free time installing apps that you don't need and will never use. More importantly, you must ask yourself if the Palm has enough SD space for all your pr0n, or is there a slot for another SD card.

You can now get away from your cell phone.
By using another cell phone.

The Palm is $349, which is more than some people spent for their phone itself. So you have purchased another phone that's better than your main phone, to jet about on the weekends or on party nights with the Clintons in Chappaquiddick.  Pretty soon everyone will have one. You won't be able to even get in to a party without one. This is clearly a product that doesn't need to exist. It's without a mandate. Not even for people who have too much money. Maybe for iDevice users who want to keep one foot in android.

There's another model for the security conscious, which will self-destruct and take out every cell phone within a 20' radius, called the NA-Palm.

The Palm will become so popular, you'll need a backup. This is when your real phone will come in handy, with all its apps.

• Welcome to the home of Weird Stuff, where things 'happen'.
• I bought 2 new, left handed guitar picks (yes, they exist). Within one week, one made it across the room on the floor; the other went to a different room entirely, and hid under a desk.
• The hedge trimmer remains in the bathroom. I stopped questioning things years ago.
• Wife just went looking for her drill. She came back with two identical drills. We have no idea how we got two. Occasionally the Weird works for us.

UPDATE:
As I mention monthly, our quiet neighborhood refers only to the people, not the heavy equipment. I have never heard such a collection of saws, tree saws, metal saws, tree chunkers, backhoes (don't call me that), and screaming rodents. WTF is the difference between a mole and a vole? It's either the country they come from or someone is laughing at us, satisfied his little joke will outlive him by centuries.

Wait....

Oh, construction noise.

You'll love the way I stitched this together.......
The update is on the hedge trimmer in the bathroom. Extensive research proved it was there to be thrown out the window onto a neighbor with a long electrical cord, to prune bushes. Each bush is the size of a Chevrolet and you can't tell where one ends and the other begins (like Michael Moore standing next to Rosie O'Donnell). Apparently trimming is the way to go with these, as opposed to my idea. Wife asked why my ideas always involve explosives, and I just smiled. So she hedged. I was in need of some entertainment when I realized that WE were now the ones making noise. I sure hope someone's telephone conversation (or sex) got interrupted or ruined by our hedge trimming activities.

• the great thing about sex with a cucumber is that when you're done, you can use it in a salad.
• Personally, I find that disgusting.. putting cucumbers in salad... bah.

So they says to me, they says, "lefty - you're a smart, attractive, cyber-intelligent fella -  what advice do you have for election officials this season?"

1. Don't get hacked.
2. Dig the electronics out of the booths, with a chainsaw if necessary. Replace with paper.
3. Do not plug anything into the net. Anything. Don't even use cell phones in the room.
4. Don't get hacked.
5. Secure everything electronic that has your name on it. Don't leave your buckets open for everybody and their fridge to see. Pretend you have important cat pictures there and secure it accordingly.
6. November is the best month to travel.
7. Don't get hacked.
8. Plug any old USB you happen to find right into the voting machine itself.
9. Accessing the secret web browser in the voting booths, surf for hacked commercial software on the Dark Net<tm>. Surfing is faster there because they don't install any annoying antivirus programs that slow things down.
10. If someone who looks like Bill Clinton shows up in overalls, needing to 'adjust the machines,' let him do his business. He did a lot of work when he was in office.
11. If someone who looks like Donald Rumsfeld shows up in overalls, needing to 'adjust the machines,' let him do his business. The man's been in DC since before Gerald Ford, who moved John F. Kennedy's wound six inches, requiring him to be doing a reverse aerial split in two places simultaneously to have been hit by the Magic Bullet<tm>. 
12. If you see anyone being accosted by screaming Dem and Rep staffers outside, rescue them by pulling them gently into the building. If you have to dislodge any staffer teeth, use the provided fireman's axe. Once the person is safe inside and commiserating with you, go over the voting instructions: close the curtain and pull the big switch up top that says Libertarian and they're all done! Think of how much time you're saving everyone.

If you have any questions you need answered, on any topic at all, feel free to leave them in the comments section. I'm here to serve.

• Tetris is 36 years old. The new Tetris champion is 16. Process that.

So those smart home 'assistants.' like Alexa and the others, have yet another listener to your activity: have a seat, you'll be shocked.. it's the government. In this article on demands, they lay out which companies have a transparency report, detailing the number of requests made by law enforcement or the state. Most don't, and don't really care.

Remember: as I told you, these are nothing more than listening devices... for Google or whichever to market to you, and your government to monitor you. How long did you think it would take? They've already been used in court. And you paid for the privilege by purchasing one.

• West Virginia is allowing people to use internet voting.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• I absolutely refuse to trade on the usual West Virginny jokes. Jokes like they just got computers but are not quite sure what to do with them. They tried putting them out on the lawn for a few weeks, but they were defective: they never worked when you plugged them in. They aren't doing well with email either.. instead of typing, they introduce themselves to the computer.. "Hah. I'm Bobby Bob and this is my wife and sister, Jenna Bob."  No jokes like that at all here, folks.

Suck it Up

You'll notice all the commercials for vacuums. There's all sorts of new technology to suck stuff up. One of them is battery power, because plugging your vacuum into an outlet is so inconvenient.  You have to admit these ads are quite compelling, showing young, attractive people using the device, in an apparent attempt to clean.  Let's face it - their 'dirty' furniture is cleaner than our clean furniture. There's even a dog. Yeah, right. They don't show the dog defecating on the floor (or the couch).  This is supposed to make you feel all kinds of positive about vacuuming. They have smiles on their faces, while explaining all the new Sucking Features and Methods of the device.

So you buy one of these, at approximately three times what you paid for your current vacuum, that you don't use. Because nobody likes to vacuum, except those OCD people, who will do it at 3am if necessary, and it's always necessary. The manufacturer has sold another unit and you've done your part to help capitalism. You're still not going to vacuum.


Which brings me to Dyson. Dyson is a name that was made up after months of focus groups; the kind that bother you in malls. It sounds all scientific and miraculous. Dyson makes devices that bend the laws of physics as we know them (and we generally don't know them). Everything they make is in the form of a stand or handle, with a loop at the end. The loop is where it all happens. Their handheld Loop Device will cool an entire house (and dog-sit). As if the miracle of air conditioning weren't enough, it purifies the air. It's an ingenious little device, which came from back-engineering a thingie on the ship that crashed at Roswell. Yes, this is alien technology. When turned on, the device causes the house to time travel to a colder season, thereby making it feel cooler. Consult your doctor to see if Dyson is right for you. May cause kidney failure, death, or embarrassment. Whatever you do, do NOT send out your bills or make vacation plans while the device is working. Do not, under any circumstances, operate the device when you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant. Or just want to have sex.


in a variety of sizes

• I need to hurry up before all the Engelbert Humperdinck tickets sell out

• Because you're DYING to know, his real name is Arnold George Dorsey. He changed his name to Englebert for the German composer of 19th century operas (because the reference is so much more hip to American audiences)

The absolute best question in 5 years of being on Reddit is "Why is it easier to insert a cucumber into my vagina than a carrot?"  This is not a typical question, but an award-winning one.

• Gaming Disorder is officially recognized by the World Health Organization. Repetitive Stress? In that case, I already have it, but not from games.
• And in a manic spurt of activity, the World Health Organization no longer classifies being transgender as a mental disorder. Twitter's right wing will be very upset.

One looks back every now and then.... and realizes one never really ran afoul of upskirting laws. It's too late now.

• No matter who you are, there will be someone who sees angels and fairy dust when they say The Cloud. When they speak of this with great reverence, make sure to mention that a scan by research firm Lacework turned up 22,000 systems unprotected or publicly available.

Recently there was an anti-knife protest in England.

Anti. Knife.

Because knives are a gateway to spoons.

• Thank goodness this is a light week, because researchers only found seven vulnerabilities in 400 models of IP Cameras (security cameras). 

In feminism news, the self-victimization continues: Mindy Kaling claims that white male critics are being 'unfair' to 'Oceans 8'.  Or maybe it just sucks, I don't know. The single commercial I saw reeks of 'we needed to make this movie with women in all the important roles.'

A feminist bookstore closes from lack of sales, white men blamed.

If there was a meeting of white men, strictly for the purposes of closing feminist bookstores and being unfair to female-led movies, I never got the invitation and I'm feeling some kind of way about this. In fact, I never got the invitation for any meeting of white males, for any reason (including nerding, the presidency, or heavy metal bands).

• A California judge has ruled that Twitter’s policy of banning users “at any time, for any reason or for no reason” may constitute an “unconscionable contract”, and that a lawsuit against the company brought by self-described “white advocate” Jared Taylor may proceed on that basis.
• Wow. 
• We know I'm not a legal scholar, but unconscionable contract seems to be a way to get out of one way contracts. If true, there are so many contracts as to be unconscionable. They might include any social media, credit cards, mortgages, etc etc etc. This is an observation, not a complaint.
• Many people are upset at Twitter for throwing people off randomly, generally the right-leaning. The victim this time is a white supremacist, claiming Twitter's policy of free speech is a lie. He's correct, no matter how disgusting the speech. This mirrors the First Amendment, however, the Social Justice Warriors believe they can censor anyone that doesn't agree with them (because words hurt). 
• IF Twitter can be held to their Free Speech claim, this would be good news for many. Something about this smells odd, though. Should a private corporate entity have to be burdened with government regulation (no matter how much I'd like to see Twitter suffer)?

Speaking of women, I just saw a commercial where the big question was "How do I want to be seen as a woman?"  Strong, assured, etc. Works for me. While these qualities are being listed, a flawless model is lithely walking around in a small bathing suit, then standing in a pool. Is this what they call mixed messages?

• Speaking of commercials, I saw one for Period Poverty. It's from a pad company that is donating one pad to schools per box sold. 
• Did you know about Period Poverty? I didn't.
• If anyone reading experiences this, please contact me.

Get ready: the very smart, enterprising people at Google have announced a spying device for hotels. It's called Sleep Spy (no it isn't, but it should be). Google promises not keep any data (and Google wouldn't lie, would they?).

Alexa, have the front desk bring me 97 lubed condoms, black
Alexa, where do I get a leather mask at this hour?
Alexa, I need a companion: flat rate, not hourly. any mix of genitalia, likes pudding.
Alexa, send a death threat to Google headquarters. Sign it from you.

• A journalist decided to spend ten days off Faceyspaces. He was harassed to death by the very same Faceyspaces. Good reading.

State police are looking for a Pennsylvania man, Shawn Christy, of McAdoo, after he posted a message on social media, threatening to put a bullet in Trump's head. The message has since been erased. Christy is to be presumed armed and dangerous, so if you see him, yell, "Hey pussy - Trump made your mother his love slave."

The Secret Service's response was, "You want to shoot the president? Stand in line, idiot."

Many people accuse the president of many negative things. If you think critically, you'll notice he's been great for the economy: the Secret Service is nine times as busy handling threats, gun sales are good (but not as good as under Obama), lawyers are having a boom year, and social media has gone through the roof with people bitching about every thing he does/wears/says. Even porn stars are in the news. Mental health counselors and heart doctors can't keep up with the demand, as well as forensic cleaning crews, for when his detractors' heads explode.

Welcome to the Snot Factory

Sometimes a man can get in trouble, through no fault of his own.
Like when your girlfriend answers with a simple hello, and you're in the shower and it's your wife on the phone...  Joe Walsh - Certain Situations

• In these times of ubiquitous surveillance, it's important to have and use all the tools to keep you relatively safe. Toward that end, PornHub has come out with their own VPN (virtual private network). This is the thing to use at free wifi spots and anywhere else, to keep your data safe. Available for android, iOS, and Windows, the app comes in free and paid versions. It is not restricted to PornHub use.
• I have not checked out the policies of the VPN, so if you want to install it, I highly recommend that you look at them first. One of the most important features is no logs.

Your friends at Faceyspaces just want you to know that they're not paying for the theft and misuse of your data by Cambridge Analytica. Oh, and by the way... they knew about this last year, but didn't say anything til they got caught in March. Lastly, Zuckerberg has a special message for all of Faceyspace's users: 

Nyah nyah, I'm not paying you for SHIT - all your data is MINE and I'll sell it to whomever I want and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

• I wanted to be the first to bring you the news: a new study by the Goodman Institute for Public Policy Research says the reason any Americans are poor is they're not working.
• I have advanced copies of next week's studies, where we discover: the reason she suffocated is that she wasn't breathing; the reason Americans are tired is they're not sleeping; and the reason men are so horny is they're flipping men.

So you bought one of those Amazon Alexas because they're so gee-whiz futuristic and it will listen and answer you, unlike your family.  As it turns out, it certainly does listen. It emailed and entire conversation a couple had to one of the people on their contact list. Amazon confirmed that's what happened and they're "taking steps to avoid this from happening in the future." It is extremely rare.

Before we proceed with my analysis, let's get one little thing out of the way: I TOLD YOU SO. Anything you can talk to that has a microphone in it can listen. These days it will listen. Anyone who has watched tv or read online news knows about devices eavesdropping. Anyone who reads this blog knows about it, in even greater foreboding detail.

The device is supposed to hang out, doing nothing, until it hears "Alexa", at which point you ask a question or tell it to do something. Then it goes back to sleep. Now Amazon tells us it definitely listened and definitely recorded a conversation that was not preceded with "Alexa" and definitely sent it to a contact on their list (because you gave it permission to access your contacts). Furthermore, it's rare, meaning it has happened before. 

Then there's the box from Google, which is trying to surpass Microsoft for Most Evil Corporation. Make no mistake - these boxes aren't there for your convenience. You are paying Amazon or Google to collect your conversations, emails, purchases, and whatever else it can mine.

• there was a police call today described as vehicle vs building. I wonder which one won.

Are you ready for more happy privacy news?
On the heels of the discovery that Securus was providing/selling cell phone tracking information to police, another company, LocationSmart, had an online feature that would, with the user's permission, give you their location information. However, and there is always a however, a Carnegie Mellon University PhD (Piled High and Deep) candidate discovered that you didn't have to use credentials at all to get the information. The feature was very accurate, from 100 yards to a mile. It was removed from the website.

They also store other technical data such as speed, heading, and IP address information among others, to provide accurate geo-targeted promotions for marketers, IoT assets, and tracking of business personnel in the field.

Now read that again.

We have at least two companies that track your cellphone. One did it quietly, without a warrant. One asked for your permission. Wanna bet there aren't more? It stores all sorts of information for marketing and tracking. No one is trying to hide it.... this is already built-in, unlike security. 

And this, me hearties, is how the system is going to fail everybody except its owners. In a mad rush to track and store all information possible on you, all sorts of sneaky projects will get launched, with all sorts of bugs. The ability to validate input (limiting input and making sure it can't fake the system) is junior level programming. 

Then there's Internet of Things (IoT). Because security is an afterthought here too, your light bulbs can be the way hackers get into your network. There is no serious use for internet-connected light bulbs. Or your toaster won't toast because your internet is down and it can't contact its server for updates. Or because some junior level programmer forgot the safety controls.

The Remaining Rant is that nothing that's happening is a real secret and hasn't happened before, in some variation. We've known about hacking forever, long before the personal computer was around. With each new technology, it seems we failed to learn the basic issues from the previous cycle. Plus the data hoarding is out of control. And you're paying for the privilege of being tracked.

• Isn't it cool that you can come for the sarcasm and stay for the security news? Please don't answer that.

Our president has taken the unprecedented step of making Twitter his official announcement platform. As is his wont, he blocked a number of people. As is their wont, seven of them sued under the Knight First Amendment Institute at Columbia University. Two courts upheld the sevens' opinion, on First Amendment grounds. The courts held that, since Twitter is the official announcement platform, blocking them results in a violation of their First Amendment rights

"is a kind of digital town hall in which the president and his aides use the tweet function to communicate news and information to the public, and members of the public use the reply function to respond to the president and his aides and exchange views with one another”

I didn't expect this to go to First Amendment, especially the right to shoot replies to an elected official. Perhaps being excluded from the announcements, though. This can be remedied by not logging in to Twitter.   In addition, it would be smarter to mute these people, rather than block them. Muting shuts down any tweets from the muted individual and they are not aware of it.

Opinion:
I concur with the decision, but it's so ridiculously small a point...

The idea of "exchanging views with one another" is complete nonsense. These people are just butthurt that they can't be total assholes in their replies to the president. They happened to find a legal loophole that will allow them to sue and direct more negative attention to Trump. It's a pretty smart ploy.

Have you seen some of the crap directed at Trump on Twitter?
By way of observation, no other president had to deal with this level of nasty, down to death threats. Whether or not you agree with him.
As with most matters, I'm inclined to go with the law.

• Hillary Clinton says she wants to be the CEO of Faceyspaces because it's the largest source of news in the world. I think it's a match made in heaven. Zuckerberg is quietly evil; Hillary is overtly evil. Faceyspaces is in the middle evil. In addition to the largest source of news, it's the largest database of what people had to eat (with pictures), cat gifs, and when they're going on vacation (while listing their home address). It's the front page of the NSA - who better than Hillary to be in charge?

The good news: scientists have discovered the next superfood

More good news: it's non-dairy

Potentially bad news: it's cockroach milk crystals.

Question: Do you want to milk them?

• Seattle mussels have tested positive for opioids.
• Seattle Mussels is a football team, right?

Molestation, Thy Name is Weinstein

Good old Harvey is back in the news, as if he ever left.

He was arraigned on rape and criminal sex charges. 

What that means is that someone put reigns on him for some sex that was so good, it was criminal.

As a result, he must wear an electric monitor.

On his dick?

He posted a $1 million bail, because the judge did not want to see him in a place like jail. It's horrible there.. 

he'd be likely to become a participant in some rape and criminal sex.

Harvey's lawyer, in a well thought out strategy, said that Harvey didn't invent the casting couch. 

THAT was his defense? He didn't invent it. He sure as hell took good advantage of it.

• Another day, another school shooting. Does it occur to anyone that these things are coming fast and furious? That they're too close together to be statistically probable?

An Indian man needed a six inch shower head removed from his rectum. because he slipped and fell on it.  Ummmm..... let us ponder the mechanics of this, shall we? Your typical shower head exists at a level of roughly six feet. If this fellow slipped, he should be in the Olympics, as some sort of gymnast/contortionist. So he slipped and either turned around 270 degrees or slipped and levitated about four feet. His target accuracy was exemplary. The doctors removed the foreign object with gentle anal stretching. Perhaps the gentleman went to the emergency room for this procedure. Fortunately the piece of plumbing lodged up there came out easily, as the fellow fell on a bottle of lube before falling on the errant shower head. The article features x-rays, so you should get on over there.

• Chelsea Manning says mass surveillance is 'getting worse'
• With insight like that, the NSA should snap her up immediately. We can't afford to have her fall into the arms of the Russians.