Captivity - DAY 90 Be leary of aardvarks

It's accepted that weatherpersons are wrong most of the time.
They said it would be cloudy and rainy. It's 88% humid and bright. I can live with that.


Phrases you don't hear often:
You're such a tease, Mom...


Did you ever hear a song and not recognize it.... then you find out it's one of your favorite groups?


Creators say diversity in games essential


Raheem Sterling says it was a "massive step" that Premier League players took a knee in support of the Black Lives Matter movement. After the knee, they burned down their stadium.

Black lives DO matter. It's just hollow, now that companies are going out of their way to mention it. Guitar Center, tv networks, commercials, etc.

Yesterday was Another One of Those Days. I was pretty mad and verbal. Today I'm ANGRY. After about 3 hours of my classic entertainment, any sentient being, along with anything metal, left the house in panic mode. It's just not pretty. The neighbors bring out their chairs and popcorn to watch (safe distancing is 2 houses down). First was Object Aviation, otherwise known as 'throwing shit'. Many things became airborne, from soda cans to large tables, to the Camaro that was parked in the living room. They laughed when I said I could launch a car. They're not laughing now.

The wife and dog came back home very quietly, hoping I'd gone back to launching lighter items. Airport tower radar only registered the Camaro, but they just shook their heads, laughed, and said, "lefty's at it again." Their favorite story was when they tracked a tractor, which went up, past radar range, and demolished an NSA spy satellite. Anger can lead to positive outcomes - don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

There is a right wing group called Boogaaloo Boys. They're showing up at protests, on the opposite side of BLM. Apparently they have everything up to white supremacists. What really bothers me is that their uniform is Hawaiian shirts. These mf-ers stole my appreciation of Hawaiian shirts. I've been wearing them since before anyone knew about the web (they go great with diapers). How DARE these people make my obnoxious clothing a negative symbol. I'd let them know how I feel, but they carry automatic weapons.

Speaking of clothing, Black hole plasma jets are shaped like bell-bottoms.

Black laptops are shaped like shorts.

Black roads are shaped like cargo pants.

Black cars are shaped like slutty lingerie.

I was minding my own business, working, when the landline and cell phone went off at the same time. The moment they stopped, the landline rang again. Then the cell again.

Then there's Telephonic Round Robin: call cell - no answer. then call landline - no answer. If we're really lucky, they'll call a 2nd cell. Hey, I have an idea... if I don't answer, I'm obviously ignoring you. Calling a different line is not going to help you and it's only going to piss me off. Do you really want that on your back?
Balancing LEAVE ME ALONE with "You never answer and we're not calling you ever" is a difficult task. umm..... you could always leave a fkng message.

James Fairbanks lived near a pedophile.
James Fairbanks shot and killed the pedophile.
James Fairbanks is in jail for 1st degree murder.
James Fairbanks has a GoFund Me or similar, and he's getting tons of support from all over the country, monetary and otherwise.

Sorry, James.. we are a nation of laws, and you broke one. The big one.
The only way you could kill the bastard is if he was coming at you with a gun or anything that made you feel afraid for your life.

Yeah, the guy deserved it, but you have to do things by the law.
We also need to come up with a viable solution for pedos. Life in jail? Mrs lefty says throw him in with the general population and the problem take care of itself. Then there's chemical castration. Unfortunately it's worthless: pedos don't perform because of a sex drive. They perform because they're not right upstairs. If they castrated him, he'd still be active, just not with his jolly roger.

Then there's the not-discussed effects on the victim.
It's beyond horrible. If the child doesn't get the required help, things will not go well. They will grow up with all sorts of issues and might wind up in jail. Could be bad behavior, alcohol, drugs, recreating the crime, or becoming an abuser. The psychological effects are awful. They could also become dissociative, which looks kinda 'checking out' at the better end of the spectrum. If the abuse is repeated and traumatic, they could wind up with multiple personalities, which is the far end of the dissociative spectrum. I know this because I'm married to someone on the far end of the spectrum.

Hail the Passing of IE 10

That's right, folks, you heard right... Microsoft will be saying sayonara to Internet Explorer 10 next year, requiring you to go to IE 11. Since I don't use the software in question, I question whether these aren't old versions anyway. Meanwhile, most computer users ditched IE years ago for something less crappy, with fewer holes than Swiss cheese.

• Last week, Boeing's Autonomous Passenger Air Vehicle completed its first flight. Picture the passenger compartment of a plane on top of some helicopter rotors. It's electric and takes off and lands vertically. It will make road rage considerably more interesting.

This is the start of a good article on network tools for your android phone. You'll have to register to read more of it. There are some great apps available and you don't need to know much to operate them. Check your network to make sure it's humming along (or the kid next door is downloading a lot of things, on your wireless, that will have the FBI visiting your house).  Also remember: Remote Desktop or VNC for connecting your phone to your computer has absolutely no security. Yes, you can connect, but so can everyone else. Or they can eavesdrop on what you're doing.

Dear lefty:

• Winston Weinstein, from Walla Walla, Wisconsin, asks what my middle name is.
• Sarcasm.

Things are gonna be different when I'm president, believe me.

Yes, it's lefty for president - running with scissors for YOU.

• Today's Mission for you: go through the entire day saying, "No, that won't do," as your only phrase.

In recent times, fashion fascinations have run to things in ears you can put a nickel through, overextension of mascara toward the ears, lip implants, and now, eyebrows.  We on the bleeding edge of fashion, celebrate what's next: nostrils. Yes, nostrils. Surgery to make them larger, coloring and braiding nose hair, and cocaine to make one large nostril from two. After a self-administered coke treatment, be sure to drive.

• Breaking News: a man reportedly on amphetamines was arrested after his wife was found dead in their house. It turns out he wasn't on amphetamines - he was just really happy.

Been to Walgreens lately?

Coming to a store near you, a 'smart cooler' that uses facial recognition to determine your age and gender, then show you relevant ads. Contact Walgreens and tell them how you feel. It's bad enough we're tracked online, but let's stop the in-person tracking right now.

• A 19 year old Arkansas man was sentenced to 5 years' probation for trying to steal a commercial plane so he could fly to Chicago for a rap concert.
• He was arrested after bolting from the plane, screaming, "How do you put this damn thing in Drive?"
• Good thing he got caught - the stolen plane lot at the concert was full.

We are at war with Russia.
Well, not America... just me.
Not actually me, but my email.
Make sense?

I found some interesting software, but needed one little piece of information to see if I could use it. I wrote to Helpdesk, never expecting Vietnamese or Indian techs, and was not disappointed. I got a Russian gentleman instead, and asked for the little piece of information. He replied that black bread was scarce; not entirely where I was going with the question. Sorry about the black bread, I tried to break the question down into how the software worked. He responded with a detailed set of instructions for installing and using the software.

I briefly thought of putting my question into an English to Russian translator, but I try not to be an asshole (at this time of day). I tried again, using single syllable words and pictures. I have little hope of getting my little piece of information, as it's a fairly technical question. At this point, it's just a challenging exercise. Or maybe this is an attempt to dissuade anyone from emailing Helpdesk. This could be a deliberate action to sway the next election....

I'm still sorry about the black bread and toilet paper, bro.

• Japan's biggest maker of diapers said its sales of adult diapers had surpassed those for babies in 2011.
• Take that - ya big baby.

Dear lefty:

• What is your secret for success?
• I have no secret. I have no success.

Today's Text Bit comes from a question about social functions held on British Tornado jets:

The Tornado is a two-seat combat aircraft and therefore unsuitable for social functions such as cocktail parties or gala dinners.

What are your 10 favorite movies?
This will be a tough one - I have to think....

1. Monty Python - Life of Brian
2. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
3. Bedazzled (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore)
4. Airplane
5. Blazing Saddles  (Mel Brooks)
6. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
7. The Song Remains the Same (Led Zeppelin)
8. Mother, Jugs, and Speed (Raquel Welch, Bill Cosby)
9. Woodstock
10. A Fish Called Wanda

• Work keeps threatening everyone with downgrading to Windows 10. No matter how hard I try, I can't get HR to declare this a Hostile Work Environment.

Peter Jackson (Madea, Throw Madea from the Train) has signed on to make a new Beatles film out of unseen 'Let It Be' footage.

Footage includes:

• Ringo insisting the crew not film his nose
• 7 separate instances of people trying to push Yoko off the roof
• John and his guest Jimi Hendrix arguing over who wore the women's floral shirt best
• Crew requesting Yoko play "Catch the Toaster" in the building's pool
• Paul's return after recently being dead
• the wives and girlfriends cuddling together to conserve heat, and touching each others' boobs
• Brian Epstein relentlessly hitting on Yoko because he thought she was a man
• George asking Jimi if having a big one makes him a better guitar player
• George Martin, in a candid moment, saying he was sick of these guys and Ringo was the only one with any talent
• the band's reaction to the doctor telling them John gave them all herpes
• repeated pleas for Yoko to stop touching her penis on camera

Just Return the Crap and Be Done with it

Wee Wee Water

At the risk of sounding like a very popular neurotic Jewish comic, what's this nonsense about running water and peeing?  I vaguely remember hearing that if a woman wanted to pee in the bathroom or for a medical test, she should run some water. Then I remember hearing about old men having to run water to pee in general.

After I hit a certain age, I noticed this effect in reverse, sorta. I'd do my Manly Duty, washing dishes, and a short way into it, I had to pee. It sometimes takes me a while to catch on (to most things) and in a while, I noticed it.  It was a sad day for me, like maybe I should celebrate by signing up for AARP or Medicare.  Whenever I washed dishes. Whenever I got water from a faucet. And yesterday, was the final insult (I hope): while pouring Marshall's personally refrigerated Special Spaniel Water into his dish, the Pee Alarm went off again. What's happening to me?

BUT WAIT!!! If you keep reading, we'll spell out an even more absurd point, and we'll send it to you for nothing! Not even an additional handling or reading charge!  One day when filling up Marshall's water container for his refrigerated Special Spaniel Water, I felt the Urge. I thought I had outsmarted my body by going to the bathroom before I filled the container. But POOF - there it was. Only I didn't really have anything to give... yes, it was Phantom Pee Urge. This brand new diagnosis will be rushed through committee and will appear in an interim diagnosis supplement for all physicians.

• After weeks of sex with a transexual, a man kills her for "that sick thing between her legs." I'm thinking the guy must have had a small vision issue. Did he possibly miss the superfluous genitalia? For a few weeks? Is it THAT dark where he does it?

I hope your holidays were nice. 

I got a rock.

Speaking of the holidays, I thought it might be a good time to stand around the menorah, light some candles, and sing Jewish folk songs. Then I remembered I'm not Jewish.  Ok, I'm an ex-Jew... I gave it up for lent.

• The best quote of xmas had to come from my nephew, who asked the wife a question: "Do you get gift cards?" Yes. "Well, if you get any from Toys R Us, would you give them to me?"

There were a few neato mob brawls at malls over the holidays, including one in Ohio that resulted in a mall closing down. Hmmm... organized mobs.. at about a dozen malls... who's doing the organizing?

• Men are from Mars, women are from Betelguese. We had some communication issues in our marriage that we straightened out, to great relief. However, my coworker and I are going to require 145 intensive sessions of Communication Marriage Therapy to be able to work just poorly with each other. The more we talk, the more my eyeballs try to look at each other and end up rolling like a slot machine. [this takes place over text messages]:
• ME: put the red one on the green peg
• HER: all I have is green
• ME: yes, the green one. put it on the red peg
• HER: ok. what about the fact that the peg is wood?
• ME: they're all wood
• HER: I'm so stupid
• ME: why are you stupid?
• HER: because I couldn't do yesterday's work
• ME: the machine was down yesterday
• HER: nobody told ME
• ME: then you're not stupid, are you
• HER: that's ok, I'm stupid about other things
• ME: don't worry about it
• HER: I have to - it's my nature
• ME: ok, try to keep yourself up all night, worrying about it
• HER: I will, thanks. now I'll shut up.
• and people wonder why I wander up and down the aisles, laughing maniacally, cursing randomly, and banging my phone on the desk, like some sort of new-age morse code.

I wanted to get some stuff done today but I'm having some difficulty. I have a bit of a medical condition that comes and goes, generally in the morning. I asked the doctor what to do and he said to drink some caffeine-containing beverages. The medical condition, by the way, is called Tired, or as we know it, Tired. My coworkers cannot drink Mt Dew because it makes them fly around the room, frequently bumping into ceiling fans. It's a ($&#ing mess to clean, especially when it gets on your clothes. I can drink Mt Dew and feel absolutely nothing, either from sugar or caffeine. So I drink a cup of coffee every morning. It helps me wake up to the horror that will become my day. The only problem is that I run the risk of falling back to sleep for a few hours, which tends to be frowned upon, even for my friends in government. Yes, the doctor is flummoxed as to how caffeine can take up to four hours to be effective. I'll get up from my desk, pick up a pen, and start shaking wildly. This starts my own bouncing off the walls. Fortunately, due to fear of heights, I do not bounce all the way to the ceiling fans, much to my wife's dismay.

Nobody seems to have even a halfway decent answer to this question (why I don't make it to the ceiling).  They also can't figure out why coffee takes so long to take effect. As you'd expect, I have a theory. I always have a theory; usually waaaay out there in left field, so far out of the box that no one can find it, even with satellite assistance.  You see, I am asleep most of the time. Only when the caffeine hits am I awake. While I think I'm falling asleep, I'm actually already asleep. Another one solved, Holmes.

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My wife just went for a nap. This causes some sort of quantum time warp where she sleeps but in our subjective reality, it can last anywhere from five minutes to sixteen hours (you think I'm kidding?). This is precisely why we cannot understand quantum physics, or Nap Physics, as we Nap Physicists prefer to call it.

After the subjective nap time has elapsed, she will emerge from her cave, looking 3/4 asleep, not having seen her shadow or me. If I say Good Morning, she may acknowledge me in a voice that would make a frog sound like Pavarotti. She'll tell me she came out for something to drink. When I ask if she's ready to get up, she tells me she's not done sleeping yet. This is either the most brilliant statement about sleep ever, or .....

CIA Admits it Has Office at Virginia Tech

A police officer and one other person was killed today by a gunman at Virginia Tech.

A four hour lockdown produced nothing and the all-clear was sounded at 4:30pm.  The gunman was not apprehended.

Virginia Tech was enjoying a four year hiatus from shootings when this occurred around 12:15pm.

Expect the usual calls for revoking the Second Amendment.