Dog - The Smartest Person in the House

Russian interference in the upcoming election has taken a step up, with several Russian IPs accessing Google, with the phrase 'how to hack american election'.


Your love is like a shot to the groin



Dear lefty

• What are you doing for Halloween?
• We got some of those huge bags of candy to give out. We're going to sit there and eat them.

Halloween's coming.
I know this because last month the candy displays were up at the grocery store.
So.....
Halloween in the age of the Flying AIDS.
Virtual trick or treating? Is there an app for that?
Perhaps technology will help - kids can stand at least 6' from your door and send a drone to get the candy. Maybe a 6' grabber, like the ones to get things off tall shelves.

Hospitals used to xray candy for free. If you want an xray, your copay will be $450. Will they test your candy for Flying AIDS for free?  Do you need to take the temperature of the person giving out candy at every house? Does every piece of candy have to be disinfected, in case someone breathed on it? How do hundreds of children incorporate a mask into their costume?

• The president has gotten more excited about Space Force. Apparently the aliens have been buzzing the Space Station again.

Yeah yeah, I'm always late to the party.
I know the Tonight Show is on but I've never seen any of the last few versions.
Until last night.

This is not 'old person telling kids to get off his lawn' - this is 'they call THAT a tv show?'

A split screen with the host on the left and guest on the right, talking from home.
When they went to commercial, a shot of a dude in his home studio, playing the guitar. He's the 'band'.

No. This is not a tv show. Especially one with a heritage that goes back waay before any of us were born. You can no doubt find clips with Steve Allen or Johnny Carson - funny stuff. Jay Leno too. This 'adapt to Flying AIDS' tv is sad, to be polite. Local news is also a parody of itself. I am not suggesting the host and guests shoot themselves - maybe just a hiatus. Although....

• I was raised well, in spite of what you read here. While at the mall for the first time, I yawned and went to cover my mouth. Stupid masks.

Today's best auction item: you can get the receipt for the purchase of a 1963 left handed guitar for only $500. Bargain at half the price. If you can't stand that kind of magnificence, you can opt for the $100 Ford Tractor receipt from 1950.



Today's best phrase: My parents were Chinese orthodox Jews from Iran.
I heard this because I'm not feeling well, so my darling wife decided to cheer me up with a nice tv show about the Holocaust.

Chinese Jews.
This lends itself to all sorts of jokes that would never be tolerated in public.

What do you get when you combine the Chinese with the Jews?
The owner of a car dealership who can't drive.

But I'd never lower myself to that level.

• And another thing.
• Working from home has been the greatest thing ever to happen to meetings. You can nap for the entire meeting, with no fear of anybody catching you. Not so much as a yawn, plus you get credit for attending. If you must use video for meetings, forget anything I said. Or get a picture of yourself and put it in front of the camera, then snooze blissfully. If anybody asks you a question, ask them to repeat please, because you're having audio issues.

Working from home is not all peaches and cream.
People are starting to resent workers who are also parents, as they have to juggle both jobs. Trust me, juggling children is not something that should be done at home.

You also have to adapt to normal business practices. H/R now sends you Black Lives Matter flyers to print out and hang in your office. I got one today for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. It will look fabulous next to my Worldwide Women's Breast Awareness poster. After last week's meeting with H/R, I no longer want to send them a picture of my prostate. Ok, I really do, but I'm not going to. My boss calls that 'growth'.



I just like to watch things burn....
The president was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for the Israel/UAE peace agreement. The silence is deafening. I said last year that if Trump achieved peace in the middle east, people would find a way to fault him for it. On the 4th, Serbia and Kosovo agreed to normalize economic ties, in a US brokered deal.

Yeah, but why did it take him so long?
If Obama was president for life, he would already have it done.
Look at that tie!
He's an antisemite. No, wait... he's sexist.
Notice he hasn't brought peace to any latin countries. He's still a racist.

I'm still voting for Jo Jorgensen. We have the highest debt ever, we still have war or troops in more countries than we all have fingers. Civil rights are being shredded daily. You were just held prisoner in your own house. Government is the largest it has ever been, and only grows. 



You think your day was bad?
A Tennessee woman got test results saying she is positive for the Flying Aids.
She can't read the letter because she died in February.
The test was in June.
She anticipated the outcome: the letter said she had to isolate.



I hate Windows. Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.
Put in password, connect to work. Oops, it won't connect. Shock.
I've had it - just reboot. Since I was in a hurry, I selected "reboot without updates", so it sat there, staring at me for a few minutes before it performed the updates I told it not to, then finally rebooted, at which point it did a few more updates. Then it sits there and mocks me, while 'checking my status.' It knows full well that my status is 'sitting there, staring at it, wanting to reformat it and install linux,' but I'm still on probation for the last time I did that to a work computer.

This took 20 minutes.
I managed to get to my meeting exactly a few minutes late, as everyone was having their virtual coffee and discussing which words and phrases we should not use at national meetings (usually this part of the meeting focuses on me). The meeting, like most meetings, came complete with sound effects. The first one sounded like somebody dragging chains across a steel floor, then repeatedly throwing them up in the air. The owner of the noise apologized for his cat. Oh. We realized it wasn't chains - it was the cat playing a tambourine. This is a very interesting feline: normally it makes a noise like a baby screeching. Then comes the ocean noise.. kinda like a waterfall at its loudest point (turned out to be a coffee maker). This alternates with the construction on someone's home addition and minor demolitions testing (gotta keep the kids occupied). My coworkers told me not to say anything, because the last time, it only got worse. Plus all the noise is from The Boss.



Birthdays

Otis Redding
Buddy Holly (would be 84)
Ron 'Pigpen' McKernan - Grateful Dead
Ben Orr - Cars (sang "Who's gonna drive you home")
Chrissie Hynde - Pretenders
Joe Perry - Aerosmith


Checked Out

Keith Moon - Who?
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of cancer
Ernie Ball - pioneered development of guitar-related products
Hughie Thomasson - Outlaws
Diana Rigg (82) - The Avengers



SJW Stapling

Employees of the nonprofit DoSomething, which markets itself as "the largest tech company exclusively for youth and social change," are walking out today in light of allegations of racial abuse and toxic work culture at the company.   You will no doubt remember them as the company that pushed Apple to diversify emojis.

Hollywood is adding affirmative action rules to the Oscars

Practicing Good Nasal Hygiene

Your love is like  a serious breathing difficulty, like COPD.


Happy Labor Day! The day we celebrate labor by not working.



According to the New York Post, toilet paper to New York's homeless, JFK's grandson is the last hope for the Kennedy Dynasty.  Before he runs for office, he wants it known that he's a great admirer of the mafia, thinks any old war is ok, does not want to talk to Russia about cooperation in space, and promises not to sleep with anyone's wife, girlfriend, or really hot celebrity. He doesn't even think LBJ's hat was stupid, although the jury is still out on LBJ himself.


Dear lefty

• You need a woman's viewpoint here.
• You need to adjust your meds.
• But seriously...
• The comments section has been open for 9 years. Fire away.

Wanna see a magic show? A show that invalidates math? Watch one of those public television beg-a-thons, especially the ones featuring music. I don't know how they do it, but they put on huge concerts, featuring artists who had hits before you were born. They have to get the best musical historians to dig up (literally, in some cases) the singers and bands that play these songs.

Remember the Kingsmen? You remember their only hit: Louie Louie. The vocals were so garbled on the original record, there was an investigation into whether they were obscene. To this day, even the singer doesn't know what the words mean. The album cover features 5 guys, dressed in jackets, in their early 20's. The band comes on to perform, there are only 4 guys (due to a horrible accident with a hand mixer) and there's not a gray hair in the bunch. Same garbled vocals - he had to learn how to garble again, after years speaking clearly. The song was in the late 60s, making it roughly 60 years old, making the group in their 80s. Yet they appeared no older than 50-something. It's magic!

The next lady did one of those typical 'boy wants to meet girl, girl has bad breath, girl pleads don't leave' songs. She just had a facelift so tight, she couldn't close her lips.

Then there's the black groups. Always attired spectacularly in matching suits, always in-step with each other, always hitting the notes. Except Bubba. Bubba put on a few pounds over the years, and required a custom tux, flown in from Turkey, which is one of the reasons Bubba is so large. You'll notice him sweating, right about after the introduction of the song. The rest of the group is praying that the song ends before Bubba has his final heart attack. And this is just the girl groups....

Smokey Robinson and the Miracles were in fine form, with 2 of the original members, and no Smokey Robinson. There was also an additional Miracle, who joined the band on the way to the stage. The Jimi Hendrix Experience's equipment appeared for 'Foxey Lady', because the people who played it are all dead. 3 Dog Night is now 1 Dog Night. Frankie Valli and the Season played 'Walk Like a Man', in a voice that sounded like a woman. The Mamas performed without the Papas, and a Supreme was missing Diana Ross. The Turtles were Happy Together, but not with their band. Several Beach Boys performed, in separate bands, and the Pet Shop Boys did their cover of 'Where the Boys Are'. A cricket came onstage, but Buddy Holly was nowhere to be found. The evening ended with a holographic reconstruction of Elvis Presley's hips, performing his greatest.... hips.

You have to figure some people in the bands are not the original members. Some bands tour with the original name and the original roadie. The Sweet tours with its original guitar player only. Foghat tours with its original guy who says "Testing 1-2-3".  And the Pet Shop boys tour with only their original 'boy'.

There was also a Linda Rondstadt concert from the 80s. How can a woman sing so well and be so screaming hot? I'm willing to overlook the fact she has the stage presence of Fred Jones, 88, of Trenton, New Jersey; recently deceased.

In any show featuring music that was even near the 50s, we must be subject to Jerry Blavat, The Geeter with the Heater. Nobody, including Jerry himself, knows what a geeter OR a heater is. Jerry was a disc jockey - he never played an instrument or sang. His only characteristic was that when you heard him, you wanted to punch him. I know someone who did - we send him flowers every year on the anniversary.

You have to give them credit: they all love each other and no one says anything political or that Black Lives Matter.

sigh... things sure have changed....
You're lucky if you can get all the band members to show up for the gig.
They might be attired in matching t-shirts. You might see an actual gray hair.
If there is a replacement band member, it's because of an overdose.
The roadies have to remind one of the band members that he plays guitar.
The singer storms off because they gave him Bud instead of Bud Light.
Because metal detectors mean you can't bring guns to the show, the audience lobs audience-to-stage guided missiles instead.

• The Russian election interference continues, with several Russian people logging into Twitter. 

College students are getting tips on staying safe, after many breakouts across the country.  I don't have Fauci's credentials, nor am I as confused as the CDC, but I suggest staying the f- home. Did you notice there are no breakouts at home? Answers this obvious can only come from someone who never attended college.  (I couldn't pass the drinking test)

• My parents often wonder how things would be different if they used contraception that one time....

In case you're not getting interrupted enough, I just got a text from the Pennsylvania Democrats (not all of them). No idea where they got my number. They wanted to know if they could count on my vote for Joe Biden and the Pennsylvania democrats. I asked the fellow if I could count on his vote for Jo Jorgensen and the Pennsylvania libertarians. He texted back that I could not.

He asked what were the important issues in the election.
I couldn't bring myself to be nasty to this poor fellow, who's just doing his job. Off the top of my head, they're keeping a senile dude and a megalomaniac out of office, the truth about ufos, abolishing the IRS, NSA, and any other department with letters in it, forcing cell phone providers to provide good coverage everywhere or your money back, bringing back land yacht cars, making radio great again, free nosewash, stop spreading viruses, making it illegal to laugh at tin foil hats, a cure for male pattern baldness, and giving the SJWs their own country (Siberia).

Well, if they're going to interrupt me unsolicitedously, they get what they deserve.

• My birthday's coming up, next year. Please don't get me anything.

There must be something in the alignment of the stars and work equipment and operating systems I don't like. First thing Monday morning, the (Windows) work computer has a visible cursor and nothing else. Next to it is the iDevice, which is displaying a somewhat nasty looking graphic that's somewhere between 'you should really charge me' and 'I want to have sex with the charger cable'. Above it is a url that ends in /restore. Really? The iDevice wants to be restored? The iDevice that literally sits there, and the only calls I get are spam? That I use for email if the computer is busy being Windows-impaired (like today)? Perhaps it's all a very funny and effective way of waking the employees up on a Monday morning. I rebooted Windows, which fixed that issue (aside from the fact that Windows is still installed) and the iDevice's website told me to reboot, which I did. It was really a simple, intuitive matter of holding the top button while massaging the round button and singing psalm 1:23 - Steve Jobs, We Love You.

The error code was 3.14159 - device feeling unloved.
I just can't.

• Here's a very interesting program on a ufo landing in France, in a farmer's field of lavender. There were 2 beings involved, 1 of which fired something that paralyzed him. The craft left marks in the ground and was investigated by the police.
• People raise lavender? That's outrageous.

Warren Buffet, 7th wealthiest man on the planet, and Bill Gates, war criminal, have signed "The Giving Pledge", to give the majority of their wealth away. These guys are amateurs: upon my demise, I'm giving away 100% of my wealth, unless I have an heir dog at the time. The fund to make sure I can't reproduce was successful, so I have no one to bequeath anything to, after my wife dies. I am certain I will die first, because Mrs lefty watches all the true crime shows and has a small library full of true crime books. They'll never find my body.

• Happy Birthdays: Rudolf Schenker (Scorpions), Debbie Gibson (50!), John Phillips (Mamas + Papas), 

An Asian woman with cerebral palsy was almost drowned at birth. Now she's a poet. Make up your own punchline. [I'm glad she lived but couldn't she be something useful?]

• Smart Dust. No, really, Smart Dust.
• Just imagine the fun when something you can't see or touch is there, monitoring, and reporting.
• It may be able to help people whose brains are having trouble moving limbs or other things.
• Natural defense: It will choke on the Dumb Dust in my house.

You Musk be joking: A mind-reading Neuralink chip in a pig's brain? Downloadable memories? Telepathy? Watch and judge for yourself. We're still in the infancy of this technology (I think), but it has the potential to simultaneously be something great and something so dark, you don't even want to read about it in dystopian sci-fi.


Faceyspaces sued software development kit makers, accusing them of taking personal information. Faceyspaces said that if anyone is going to steal information, it's going to be Faceyspaces.


Tesla rolled out an update to its cars that lets the cameras see speed limit signs.
Tesla refers to this as an insignificant update that almost didn't go out.




SJW School


I caught a few minutes of a DC peaceful protest riot. The well-behaved, literate protesters were running up to the police, bullhorning, screaming, and literally blowing smoke. The thing I failed to get was the Coordinated Police Marching Backwards defense. It wasn't very effective as a defense, in that the rioters were expanding their territory as the police marched backwards.  And not a single word about black lives. There are snacks being passed out, not that this is organized. One bullhorner suggested the police arrest themselves, another helped the police by letting them know "All y'all fuckin bitches". People keep running up to the police with their phones. If I were there, I'd run up to the rapidly backwards-marching line of police, and show them pictures of my dog. I'd make sure every police person in the line saw her. So there.

French game publisher Ubisoft is apologizing to fans after a video showing the opening sequence for Tom Clancy’s Elite Squad showed images of a raised black fist, which critics said was “insensitive” and appeared to connect the Black Lives Matter movement to a fictional terrorist organization in the game.  Among other things, a raised fist is the sign of oppressed groups, like Left Handed Lives Matter, but the fist is naturally the left fist, not the right one.

Captivity - Day 96 Show me on this elephant where she touched you

I am proud to bring you the libertarian candidate for the 2020 election: Jo Jorgensen. A woman candidate for president. One who doesn't eat babies. Now all the crabapples who said all women must vote for Hillary have to vote for Jo. I think this move was sheer genius, but it was by vote. In November, it will be the megalomaniac, the demented sonambulist, and the woman. I don't care who you vote for, so long as it's Jo. I don't care about her plumbing - I care about her abilities. I vote for, not against. The next time you say we must get the dems or reps in office, look at your paycheck. That's an obscene amount of taxes stolen from you, and it keeps getting bigger. It didn't get that way because of one party. The Patriot Act was bipartisan, as are wars. Obama campaigned on Change, and failed miserably. You want change? Vote libertarian.


Every time we think we've hit Peak SJWery, we are surprised there's more.
This one's a doozy, though.  Are you ready?
Rhode Island is moving to change its official NAME, due to its connection to slavery.

I don't know about you, but every time I hear Rhode Island, I think of slavery. Slavery and malts. Slavery, malts, and Vanessa Hudgens. Slavery, malts, Vanessa Hudgens and Jello wrestling. Ya feel me?

Hold on for the witch burnings all over the country. Only this time it's not going to be witches. It will be sanity. "Hey guys - let's have a sanity burning!"
"Yeah, cool! We'll show those fascists who rules things. We'll burn down the United Nations for peace. Plus somebody said something bad to a black person from a different country, so the place has to burn anyway."

Words cannot convey the abject stupidity of this decision and the ability of the governor to bend over, whilst kissing the creamy buttocks of the SJW-BLM enterprise.

We should have a contest.... come up with new names for Rhode Island.... send me ideas in the comments.

• Ride Island
• Tiny Out of the Way State
• NoSlaveTown
• Indecisivetown
• Fuckt
• PleaseDon'tRiotTown
• WeDownWitBLMville
• Not Really an Island

In other news, the Fraternal Order of Police (FOP) is changing its name, because of the existing name's connotation with killing black people. They are renaming themselves the Fraternal Loyal Order of Police (FLOP).

Brooklyn Nine-Nine scrapped existing episodes and will start over to reflect the anti-racist movement.
1984 featured a tv that watched you, as well as rewritten history.

When your payroll department sends you a form with These Easy Instructions....

This is precious.

A man is spending a lot of time involved in protesting.

Unfortunately he gets a little loud.

He gets a little too close.

He's wearing a pink thong and bra. 

And nothing else.

If they hadn't hauled him off, the SJWs would've slapped him five and told him to keep living his truth.

There's a new rap group.

They're called Nigger.

The unforeseen consequences include many physical injuries, when the little white kids go places to buy Nigger music. They go into record stores, walk up to the counter, look the clerk in the eye, and say "Nigger." 

This has caused much confusion and consternation over at BLM. While Nigger is donating 50% of their sales to BLM, BLM doesn't know whether to be grateful or set the record stores on fire.


Everybody despises political commercials - that's a given.
I have to admit the Trump commercials are pretty funny. They show Biden being old and senile. I can't wait for the Biden commercials.



This one's fresh off reality:
I went out (with my burglar mask) to pick up more ammo. Halfway to the car I realize I managed to successfully lock myself out of the house. This is unprecedented. You're going to say, "Why can't Mrs lefty open the door?" That's a really good question.. the answer is because she's 3 hours away, visiting. When  I screw up, I do it exquisitely, like I do everything.

I call my brother, because we exchange keys.
Nope.

So.. Plan B: knock out some glass in the door and let myself in. Not a good choice, but the only choice.  As I'm parking, my hand thanks me. I'm not used to that. There's Mrs lefty, car parked. Worked out well for me, but I couldn't figure out why she was home a few days early. At least the dog was happy to see me, and I got in my house without bloodshed.

And there was a diaper on my office chair. Nobody knows why. It could be worse... the diaper was clean.

What have I learned from this?
Staple the keys to my forehead.

I managed to combine my 2 favorite things in life