The Ice Cream Diet - now for the Lactose Intolerant

Your love is like   the lady who keeps her dead pets around

• You tell me: Hollywood's best rug - Chuck Norris or Ben Aflac  ?

Today I identify as  I sure picked a bad week to identify as Elon Musk

I still haven't figured out which vacation days I'm taking by the end of the year. Last year I wound up taking  off most of December, which produced the Forced Vacation series of blogs. I'd really like to avoid that this year. I don't want to be an ass to my coworkers (or my readers). Come to think of it, they don't always treat me so well (the coworkers, mostly). Although I do remember coming to work and discovering a large cucumber on my desk. It was definitely the first time that happened. Fortunately it hasn't happened since, as I work from home. I'm not sure I'd like what Wife was trying to tell me if it did.

I know you're reading this because you're incredibly curious about my laptop situation.

The first laptop developed a bad display connection and a bad delay when anything is typed or clicked.

The backup laptop, a 10 year old Cadillac that still runs great, has been a pleasure to use. Until I remembered why I needed a new one: it got hot, the display freaked out, and the laptop froze, requiring a reboot. This put a real damper on doing anything, because I never knew when the laptop would seize. While this would be an actual blessing for work, I kinda needed it to stay powered up.

Now I'm getting desperate. There's an android tablet somewhere. The charge barely lasts long enough to sit and surf. Oh wait... there's an even older laptop. It works, which is the best thing I can say about it. I am afraid to boot it up because the display will break within an hour. I seem to have this effect on displays. If I could get paid for this, I'd be rich! But it seems about as useful a talent as being able to destroy trashcans. Now if I could stop ear hair from growing...

The thing I forgot about the last laptop is that it's a 32 bit processor. All current processors are 64 bits. I am as far as I can go with the operating system (a few years ago) and many browsers won't run on it. At least the display isn't broken (yet).

A Chromebook is inevitable. I might as well give Google the rest of the information they don't have about me, if there is any. Maybe my tiny android phone. Or 2 semi-broken tablets. I should use 1 of them for work - it tries to boot, fails, then goes into a loop. A long time ago, I used to be able to destroy hard drives by simply using them. My buddy suggested a custom plate for my car  NOMO HD. My skill went into hibernation for 30 years and morphed into Display Destruction. NOMO VID?

“You can’t win an unwinnable war. DEA knows this and the agents know this,” Irizarry said. “There’s so much dope leaving Colombia. And there’s so much money. We know we’re not making a difference.”

“The drug war is a game. ... It was a very fun game that we were playing.”

--Jose Irizarry - the DEA's most corrupt agent

It's a great article, but the above is a perfect summary of the drug war.



Enjoying the hell out of half of our weather. One day it's over 70, the next it's under 50, with a frost warning for the evening. This is somewhat aggravated by the industrial size fan in the bedroom. One of us, I can't say which but she has boobs, has to have fresh air, so the fan runs. Even in sub-Arctic temperatures. I suggested she sleep next to an open window, but she said "No - it's cold outside."

Speaking of sleeping, the dog's getting clingier. This morning we were back to back.  I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know I'm upset because I didn't notice it when it was happening. She has also taken to licking my pillow. Nobody knows why, but she's a cocker and that's perfectly normal. She also tried to drink all my coffee this morning. That's 4 cockers who loved coffee.  Mrs. lefty, bless her, tries to keep Dog from bothering me when they get into bed after me. It fails 100% of the time, but she tries. First the dog has to jump on me and lick my forehead. Only mine, no one else's. Then squiggle around for a few minutes. Then lick my face. Then lick my pillow. Wife apparently doesn't understand these are things Dog must do. I am told one of them would stand on my chest, turn around a few times, then lay down and go to sleep. I was completely unaware of this and continued sleeping. This makes me wonder what else goes on while I'm sleeping... I used to wake up with a sore.... never mind.

Aqara’s new smart feeder can give your pet control of its bowl

Because nobody knows when they want to eat better than your pet.

Except the kid who hacked your IoT network. 

It's not that I really like these sweet potato chips, but if your fingers get close to the bag, they might not come back whole. It's even worse with the sweet potato tater tots. It's like dessert with dinner.

• There is simply nothing for breakfast like coffee, Mt Dew, and bacon pizza.

Starbucks store-bought caramel macchiato creamer is better than Starbucks anywhere-bought coffee.  It's only $17.99 at CostCo, the only creamer in the entire store. Shit is gettin' real out there, people.

The first cubesat to fly and operate at the Moon has successfully arrived

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency."

• NASA wishes to apologize for the press release. One of their more dyslexic people in Marketing thought it said NASA, when it actually said NSA. 

The actual NSA press release said:

"That is a huge, huge step for the agency. With this multi-billion dollar small piece of hardware, we can be assured that nothing happens on the Moon without our knowledge. It's our Moon - nobody else's. Nyah nyah. Suck it, China."

 

• In completely unrelated news, one of NASA's marketing team has been promoted to CEO.

It's quiet in the house.

This might be due to my spending a few quiet hours with the computers, trying to do simple things.

The neighbors have called in their Rottweilers. There are no children out within 3 blocks. My wife, who has spent over 20 years perfecting the art of ignoring me, has taken the dog and gone to bed. This is all out of SHEER TERROR. Because normal people can do things and they get done and work perfectly. But I'm not normal. No sir. The art of getting email on a backup laptop that used to get email anyway, is such a fine balance that young children can do it with their eyes closed. I am not a young child. In fact, I am an advanced child. Of course I know every step and credential. It just won't work. Before you look at me like an idiot (I prefer you to look at me as a very sarcastic, yet entertaining, occasional smart guy), I copied each email account line by line, password by password and it WILL NOT WORK.

I'm beginning to think this has something to do with my not drinking. 

I have to admit, we're giving it our best try, but it never occurs to us to drink mid-day or at work. 

Perhaps if I got smashed, I wouldn't have any of the grief I encounter, almost as if it were perfectly normal. I gotta say, the idea of going through days just fine, without trouble, appeals to me greatly. Being able to add email accounts to laptops, with the same passwords and it Just Works. It might be worth my liver for that.

It was going kinda fine until the mail arrived. The state wants to extort $500+ from me over the car situation, only we're not sure why, because we already paid an exorbitant amount for the ransom. The DMV was set up by criminals in order to funnel private money to the state. There is NO reason to register your car. There is no reason to get tickets because you forgot to put your insurance card in the car. It's legalized robbery. This is another reason I'm a libertarian. This large bit of extortion made me start to think that practicing drinking should start earlier in the day.

THEN I figured why not put email on the last laptop functioning, as I could look right at a previously-functioning laptop to make things easier. This was my first error. And my second one. 

Email Acct 1

put in password

server says NFW, ha!

Website lets me log in and before going to email, tells me I have a ridiculous balance owed and they're charging me FEES on top of it. Hang on a minute, dingbats... if you have my payment information and the account is set to auto-pay, WHOSE fault it is you don't have the money?

Put password in.

server actually laughs.

Gmail account

put in password

server says NO.

I retype password

server says NO, you fool, then takes me to the web page.

I sign in and it tells me I don't have cookies enabled.

That's correct: the cookies are in the other room and don't start til after dinner.

But I figure I'll play - I used another browser, with cookies.

Gmail said UH-UH, don't even THINK about it.

Have you ever had to go through a sophisticated multi-account email program to find how to turn cookies on? Ok, so maybe you have.

Once again it took me to Gmail's login page, and I approved myself.

As I sign out, the error message stated 'error logging in.' Of COURSE there was an error after the page told me everything was ok. 

Email acct 3

Enter same password as on other machines.

Server say NO, I'm not going to make it that easy on you.

Oh. Perhaps drinking IS the answer.

It's a very long password, which I kept having to copy from another screen. Repeatedly.

Server still say NO.

Alrighty, then. Three email accounts, ZERO of which I've gotten working on the old machine.

Honestly, I ran very large, very expensive networks, and kept them free of intruders. No problem.

Try setting up laptop email? Problem.

Then I started figuring stuff out.

Account 1 requires you to go to their web page, login, and tell it that it's ok to get your mail.

Account 2 requires you to go to their web page, login, and do a short dance. Being bereft of rhythm, this is the most difficult part of email.

Account 3 requires you to find the people running the server, login, then shove all the not-working laptops so far up their backsides, they cough megabytes.

The last little trick was discovered by mistake, like all those neat explosive things. When you put your password into the email program, do NOT tell it to remember the passwords. This is stupid, counterintuitive, wrong, and the final strike against remaining sober for the day. And in the end, none of it was my fault, so I feel a little less mentally-impaired.

The funny thing is that my typing improves as I drink.

We're Being Strangled by Wireless Cell Phones

Your love is like  eating some bullets

SIM Swapper Abducted, Beaten, Held for $200k Ransom

I think we have the way out of malware....

Today I identify as  an umlaut

 I was just hung up on in text chat! I didn't even know it was possible.

I have now been hung up on in every way possible. My life is complete.

A $6 charge appeared on my phone bill, out of nowhere. The page told me it was for making a plan adjustment. After waiting 20 minutes for somebody who was hopefully brighter than the chat bot, I was told it's a surcharge and was notified months ago. Yes, I'm being charged $6 extra for keeping my existing plan. But if I wanted to upgrade to their spiffy new 5G unlimited free Apple music Disney+ plan at a similar rate, everything would be ok and God himself would smile upon me. I'd become a rock star and actresses and models would throw themselves at my feet.

That's nice, but I don't want or need that plan. The amount I use my phone is laughable. I never even came up to the 1gig limit when I had a 1g plan. Then they forced me to take a 5g plan, of which I don't use 1g. I don't use half of 1g. But she keeps telling me I could upgrade. I keep looking around the room to see who is typing here, because I kept typing that I wanted a tiny plan with limited data. Between you and me, I think God was getting angry, and I don't blame Him. I was screaming and the dog was barking.

I decided to play their game and asked how much was 'a similar price.'  Are you ready? My already ridiculous plan was going to go up to $105. Or keep paying a $6 surcharge. So I figured we'd play my game and asked her would she pay $105 monthly for a phone she barely used. I had to ask her 5 times because she kept ignoring me and trying to sell me the 5g plan. Her training was excellent, and I told her so, but she wasn't listening to the customer. That's when she 'hung up' on me.

Did I forget to tell you who my carrier is?  It's the one that rhymes with Purrizon. I've stayed with them forever, for the coverage. Not anymore, apparently. To make matters more funner, my phone won't work on the carrier I'm looking at.

I'm not positive who regulates the cell phone industry, but we're going to have a chat about Purrizon, and the industry in general. If enough people complain....

Now, let's talk about a related matter.  If your phone plan is $60 monthly, you're paying $60 PLUS $30 in TAXES, state, and federal nonsense. Your monthly bill is now $90. And I'm pretty sure you're not paying for a $60 plan. This is obscene. It's not the fault of the carriers, unless they tack on other charges. This is from our state and federal legislators. You might want to look at your bill and have a chat with them.

And now, the final chapter of the leftys vs the Hospital 

"Hey, come get me - I'm being discharged," she told me.

Rushing to the hospital with glee (my pet attack cheetah), she said we're just waiting for some paperwork.

Hour 1.

Hour 2.

Hour 3. - I didn't want to interrupt lunch at 2:30

Hour 4  - wait... I think we see a doctor. Flag him down, with a flamethrower.

Hour 5 - "You're a free woman," said the nurse,

Doctors all suffer from some sort of temporal disorder. They have no sense of time, like the DMV. They'll get to it in an hour actually means any time between 5 hours and next month. The hospital process is completely broken in the first place, but the discharge process has jumped ship and took off for Uranus.

Food Delivery Robot Casually Drives Under Police Tape, Through Active Crime Scene

There is no better way to point out that self-driving vehicles are Not Ready for Prime Time than this. No one was mowed down, inside or outside the vehicle. The only thing that would make this better would be a 4 hour gun battle, with police shooting the robot full of lead. And the robot still delivering the food.

What actually happened was a nearby bomb hoax at a high school. While the hoaxers were waiting, they ordered pizzas. Sounds reasonable, no?

Bridgestone has put more than $100M into eco-tires made of shrubs

You must bring me.... a SHRUBBERY

Yes, eventually everything goes back to Monty Python.

Gates-Funded 'Green Revolution' in Africa Has Failed, Critics Say

When philanthropists spend vast sums of money on a project, jubilation and high expectations ensue. But money doesn't necessarily produce results.

A case study, according to critics, is the push for a "green revolution" in Africa, which has spent $1 billion to date, much of it from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

They write these headlines just for me. 

Well, what do you expect from the developer of a failed operating system?

We have been sending billions in aid to Africa, yet things never improve. Why is that?

I know that politicians had themselves exempted from spam laws. Yesterday I got a text from the NAACP, asking me to help get black people to the polls. The NAACP, as far as I know, isn't a politician, although this might tell me more than I wanted to know. I will tell the NAACP what I tell everybody: until there is a left handed history and appreciation month, I'm not helping anybody.

As far as I know, I'm also not black, if that's a requirement.

Of course it doesn't end there.... Google is launching a pilot program to keep political emails out of the junk pile. Not that having a gmail account is a good idea, but how about giving everybody a choice?

Don't want to get run over by a Ford car? There's a Bluetooth app for that

I keep banging the warning gong because self-driving software is just not ready yet, but is being foisted upon an unsuspected public, ready to mow down a few citizens. Ford has a Bluetooth app to keep you from getting run over by a Ford car. It's a great idea in a vacuum, til you realize you can still get run over by every other brand self-driving car. While an interesting idea, it's attacking symptoms instead of the problem. Have I mentioned the range of Bluetooth would require beyond-human reflexes and perhaps a small physics change to allow your safety?

Wanda Sykes used to work for the NSA. Uh-oh. Laugh at my jokes or I'll have you taken to a place where they will never find your bones. That aside, privacy and civil rights groups are putting on the pressure not to air Ring Nation, which will feature video taken from Ring doorbell cameras. They're normalizing surveillance. 

Footage from Ring cameras was used to track and monitor protesters who took to the streets, exercising their First Amendment rights, in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. These are not isolated incidents. Racial profiling and racist policing are core components of Ring’s business model, which profits off fear.”

Remember: Ring operates independent of the Fourth Amendment. It has become a huge surveillance network that works without warrants or oversight.

After news that an AI-generated painting won a prize, creative-type people are really seeing red, claiming AI is killing art. Hollywood is working on a statement and we have the draft: How the hell are we supposed to make millions for a movie, so we can walk around and say things, as if we were important and our voice somehow counted for more than the Ugly Americans? We will all have to get real jobs. How can we ever walk on red rugs, get trophies, pat each other on the back, and bitch because we deserved that, if we have to get jobs? It's not like we have the skills to work at convenience stores or gas stations. Society sends us to Hollywood because we have no discernible talent (and some of us are waaay better looking than the rest of you). 

I would never bolster their case, but we said drum machines and rap were killing music. We weren't wrong. 

The Department of Homeland Security (the Motherland) has awarded nearly $700,000 to help keep gamers from becoming terrorists. Security Theater has gone completely off the rails. More of your money will be heading to other known radicalizing activities and trades, such as plumbing, jump rope, sweeping up after elephants at the circus, and working at the DHS. 

At Least I Pooped Today...

You know you're living with PTSD when....
There's only 2 of you, but you have the 48 pack of toilet paper.



Your love is like  your mother's.


The goog is starting to take security more seriously. So seriously, I can't get into my own gmail with my own phone. I used to... but it suddenly told me that someone used my password to try to access my mail. Yes, of course someone did - it was ME. Apparently I've done such a good job of disguising my phone, the goog doesn't recognize it.

Sometimes a time machine would be fun.
Can you imagine going back to visit Ben Franklin, noted bright guy, inventor, and ladies' man, with an android tablet. With transexual videos. Ask him what he thinks about SJWs. Or forward 100 years, to watch people just shake their heads in silence, looking back at our time in history.


AI, the Buzzword for the next 10 years, is moving forward by leaps and bounds. You probably don't know this, but you've seen AI for years. It's a very early and flawed implementation, but sourced reveal it's Larry King.  Larry's been dead for 10 years, and what you're seeing is an AI likeness, complete with wheezing, coughing, and heart arrhythmia.


To the science-minded and anyone concerned: sperm swim more like otters than eels.


Libertarian candidate for president, Jo Jorgensen, has to get 5,000 signatures to get on the ballot in the hole that is PA. Republicans and democrats require 2,000.



Dear lefty:

• To what do you attribute the serious rise in global readership?
• Bad taste knows no boundaries.

What do you do when you drop to earth in a space capsule, and have 5 hours to kill until the ship comes for you? You use your satellite phone to make prank calls. This is why America is the greatest nation on Earth.



The NSA recommends privacy-conscious turn off find-my-phone, wifi, and Bluetooth whenever not using them.  HA. The NSA is finally taking my advice.

They turned me loose today. Or I escaped... however you'd like to phrase it.
What did we learn today?
First, we learned that the Flying AIDS is keeping people inside. Where there should be stopped traffic, there was no traffic.

We learned that someone needs to give some serious thought to dog-proofing the car. And the GPS. Especially the GPS.

Our original GPS and I had a very bad relationship, like the mower. The touch screen caused an incredible amount of grief, and not just with me. After it tried to drive us into a large body of water, we gave up. It would say things like, "Turn 500 feet at .. Road." I suspect it had better things to do than give us directions.

When the new one showed up, I started getting douche chills and asked Mrs lefty if she was deliberately trying to torture me. She said not at all, but she said it too quickly and I thought I saw a twinkle in her eye. There was no need to plug it into a computer to have it run, which was good. The screen went from the horrid push screen to a touch screen, and behaved pretty well. It only screwed up about 10 times for me, which was a great improvement over the old one. Unfortunately the device is not dog-proof. We kept trying to figure out why the device was on a screen we had never seen. It was Penny, touching it with her nose. Repeatedly. Cars used to come with bench seats, like your couch. This left much room for a 3rd passenger or a dog. The tiny individual seats are no place for canines. Penny is happy to try to get past this by sneaking up from the back, sitting on my lap, scratching the crap out of my legs, and trying to stick her head out the window. As for the car being dog-proof, Penny either knows how to open the window or keeps hitting it by mistake. We have to literally lock the window controls so she doesn't open the windows. It's pretty funny to watch her flaps flapping in the breeze, but we like to err on the side of caution. One squirrel and it might be over.

We were in outer Mongolia, visiting. You see different things in outer Mongolia. For instance, we watched a chipmunk walk up to someone and take a peanut. That was amusing, but I didn't expect to see a young bear, popping by, eating some food, then putting his paws on the railing, looking for more. He was just fine with people; mainly looking for more to eat. I saw pictures of the Three Little Bears, playing in the tree, with their momma watching. Next to the porch. If there's one thing you don't piss off, it's Trump. If there's another thing you don't piss off, it's a momma bear. There was also a video of the little ones, trying to figure out what to do with a marshmallow. Discovering it wasn't much of a toy, they did what all children do: stick it in their mouth. I get in trouble for sticking things in my mouth to this day. The local authorities say that it's ok to feed the animals. Ok, then. It's pretty cool to look at bears. At about a mile away, or in those nice postcards. Having to change your underwear frequently is tiring. Penny went nuts, less so for the bear than the chipmunks. She stood guard the entire time. We felt secure in the knowledge we were going to go unmolested by chipmunks. This is one serious hunting dog (when she's not anchored to her mommy, napping). Hospitality is the same everywhere, which I realized when our host provided us with vodka bottles and straws. These were the good straws, not the kind that collapse. Although it would've made the trip more interesting, we declined, hoping for Drano instead.

It was great to get back home to my couch, where there was no danger of bears, except on the tv. Aside from discovering the new GPS added an hour to our trip, the ride home was fine. This is much better than last time, when we drove through a hurricane. We saw flying tree branches, trees, small houses, trucks, and bicycles with Nancy Pelosi riding them.



Always late to the party, I discovered you can't pay a turnpike toll: it's all billed to you. Hmmmm.... that would be pretty convenient if EZ PASS wasn't working to remove cash, tracking, and toll takers. Watch the alleged coin shortage get blamed for cutting off other cash transactions. As it is, some stores say you need exact change or you have to use a card. I'm starting to vibrate (harder).

There Are Some Days, and This Is One

This is the kind of thing we read this blog for: a Michigan highway billboard was hacked to play porn for 15-20 minutes. This is positive hacking. They destroyed nothing, made some people happy, possibly caused some outrage and a car crash, and everybody gets a funny story. I'd avoid the rush, however, to move to Michigan, as police have a bit of video and are searching for the perps.

For those of you who are upset about their work computer being locked down, there's a fake browser update that will infect the entire network with banking trojans. If you're locked down and updates are automatically installed for you, this won't matter.

Anyone who has read at least one of these entries knows of my great love for Faceyspaces. Well, it hurts like hell, but I have to back Faceyspaces. No, really.  Attorney General Bill Barr, along with the UK and Australia, is about to ask Lord Zuck not to go ahead with his plans for end-to-end encryption across its messaging services until it can guarantee the added privacy does not reduce public safety.

When you're done producing filling for your barf bag, allow me to translate: We, the Five Eyes, are rather upset at your attempt to keep all of your information away from our five prying eyes. If you don't leave everything wide open or accept one of our Extremely Safe Backdoors, you are making it very difficult for us to steal scan your information for terroristic threats and to keep the world safe from democracy. Because everybody except lefty and two of his friends uses Faceyspaces, it is our largest source of information. If you do not allow us access, we will convince the founder of Faceyspaces, the NSA, to allow us access.

Remember when back doors were something fun?



Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• There are only 2 classes of people: Munsters and Addams Family

Today I identify as a shrubbery



China recently celebrated 70 years of communism with parades and displays of weapons. And riots and a shooting of a protester. The people of the People's Republic also celebrate, but only when they're told to.

In unrelated news, The US celebrated their public education system by publishing these stunning results: first in spending of any country per student, 38th in results.

In yet still more actively unrelated news, Maria Bartiromo reports that... well... I don't really care - look at that face. She's a classic.

In related news, police are filing criminal charges against the person they shot during the riots.    I always say, "If you shoot them, they'll never do it again."  

The young man will be charged with rioting and assaulting a policeman.
Back in Tianamen Square, the lone protester was finally charged with assaulting a tank.

No thank you, I'd rather spend a few weeks with with Richard Nixon, in his  underground bunker.

• Every now and then, one must give thanks for even random positive events: today I'm thankful that the new project will no longer require Windows 10. I argued so politely and so strenuously, they redid the project just for me.
• Sometimes a good thing comes in the middle of tragedy. This is one.

Bernie Sanders, genial old Silly Person, noted communist, and inveterate alpaca plooker, said there should be no more billionaires*. What a funny old dude. He says random sentences with 'free' in them, generating cheers from his fanbase; like Bruce Springsteen, but much more expensive.

*Unrelated news: Billionaires said there should be no more Bernie Sanders.

• Today I want to share something of great import. I feel it will enrich your life and keep your kids happy too. Unfortunately I already forgot what it is. The mind is a terrible thing to... ummmm...

I am proud to let everyone know I like Orange Crush.
I am proud to raise my eyebrow upon seeing a bottle of Watermelon Crush.
I am proud to say eewwwwwwwwww upon tasting it. Yes, they got it right, but watermelon soda? Join my campaign for Kidney Stone Crush.





When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the Command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa - who had been rather hard on the Army - answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply: "From what? The biggest threat to America today is its own federal government.... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The CIA? The Republican party? The Democratic party? The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense system... they issue the contracts for them."

The interview was not run.

We need Frank more than ever today....





Heroes of the Stupid

A federal judge ruled that Harvard University’s undergraduate admissions program is constitutional, rejecting a challenge accusing the school of discrimination against Asian American applicants.

In a decision released on Tuesday, US district judge Allison Burroughs in Boston said that while Harvard’s admissions program is not perfect, “the court will not dismantle a very fine admissions program that passes constitutional muster, solely because it could do better”.   Reached for comment, the KKK was outraged that their Harvard admissions will be capped at 20%.

Why is my cable bill so ridiculous? It couldn't be because of added fees, could it?



SJW Time

University and College Union apologises after failing to include Jews on list of groups of Holocaust victims (the Jewish Chronicle).

It described how the Nazis had persecuted groups such as “trade unions, including social democrats and Communists”, “Europe’s Roma and Sinti people”, “Black people”, “disabled people”, “freemasons”, “gay and lesbian people”, “Jehovah’s witnesses” and “'asocials’, which included beggars, alcoholics, drug addicts prostitutes and pacifists” were persecuted by the Nazi regime.

The international section in your supermarket is racist. The food is segregated.

sometimes you need to keep your soda cold

A Watched Elephant Never Flies

Shit got hacked. 
Info got taken.


Also, here's another completely disheartening flaw, in your SIM card, by which hackers can hijack your phone with a simple text. There's a great bit in the article about a private company that works with governments using this for 2 years for surveillance.  soooo.... tired...



Lions can see in the dark. Know what else can see in the dark?
Humans. With infrared goggles.
And pussycats.
Know what this means?
It means that dogs with infrared goggles are lions.



RIP Ginger Baker (80) - Cream, Blind Faith, etc



Dear lefty

• What was my biggest mistake?
• Performing oral in back alleys for $10. 
• (the going rate is $20)

Today I identify as: the F22 Osprey aircraft - for every hour in the air, there's 16 hours of maintenance.

• BREAKING: Chimpanzee on the loose in Santa Fe, Texas, harassing residents and reportedly attempting to steal cats
• Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Please tell me what to think.

NPR (yuck) Fresh Air (yay) had an interview with the author of a book about Sidney Gottlieb. You can find a transcript online. Sidney worked for the CIA, who wanted to start looking into mind control, for the purposes of spying and carrying information, unknown to the courier (Manchurian Candidate). Thus began MK-ULTRA in 1953. Gottlieb ran the program, which included electric shocks, sleep deprivation, personality wiping, LSD, repetitive audio reinforcement over weeks, and heaven knows what else. This also ran in Toronto.

Gottlieb eventually went away and in 1975, the Church Committee discovered who he was, via exposing MK-ULTRA. Gottlieb went straight to the records warehouse and destroyed everything. On the stand, he developed an incredible case of memory loss, almost as bad as the people he tortured. The politicians didn't really know the extent of the program so they let him go.

The leftovers are slogging around Canada and the US. Broken people, some with their memory wiped, so they don't know their own families. Some with multiple personalities. Some developed alcohol and substance abuse issues. Some just wander in and out of hospitals.  A few people sued and got settlements.

Gottlieb was friends with Frank Olsen, who was thrown jumped out of a hotel window and died. Eventually President Ford admitted to it, met and apologized to the family, and awarded them compensation.

This is your tax dollars and your government. This is what we know. Imagine what we don't know. MK-ULTRA was closed down, but you're a fool if you think the work stopped.



No thank you, I'd rather have sex with Charlie Sheen

• Little Feat, one of my favorite bands, is celebrating its 50th birthday. Tune in and watch them play a few songs. RIP Lowell George and Ritchie Hayward.

Direct from the NSA:
Discover more about our commitment to protecting civil liberties and privacy in our 1st semi-annual NSA Civil Liberties and Privacy Officer Report.   Cut it out. Stop. Next up: Dick Cheney's report on making and keeping friends.

• Did you hear about the partying dyslexic?  He swallowed the LDS.

Faceyspaces suspended the Israeli Prime Minister's page for 24 hours over 'hate speech'.  I'm laughing too hard to find the link.


Everybody's favorite always mad lady, AOC (see below), says it is 'barbarism' that the US does not guarantee a 'right' to housing.  Everybody's most-tolerated blogger, lefty, says if this is true, when is she paying my mortgage?




It Has Started.
2 men from the Netherlands have been arrested for trespassing at Area 51. One told police he was a YouTube personality. They were arrested 3 miles inside the gate.

But but but... I'm famous! I'm a YouTube celebrity! People love and respect me! They get up early just to see my videos.. I'm popular. An influencer. Girls like me. Really. YouTube celebrities don't lie.

I've never been to Nevada, but I understand it's incredibly difficult to get near the gate, no less 3 miles in. They have vibration sensors and audio. They have very serious men in camo, with the guns people want taken away. They are private security and call the sheriff to arrest interlopers. The sign says shooting is authorized. You can search YouTube for videos of people trying to get in and watch what happens. They're watched the entire time by the guards. The moment someone crosses the line, they're there. Claiming they were 3 miles inside doesn't seem to fit with reality. Add the fact that the base knows The People From Faceyspaces are coming, and you smell something off. As Flounder said, about the upcoming hordes....




Heroes of the Stupid

A North Carolina woman cut off her husband's penis after tying him up. Deputies found the severed limb and gave it to medics.  All together now - OUCH




SJW Silliness

Dateline San Francisco, California: SJW Central has just announced that White blood cells are a tool of the patriarchy and will be renamed Pink blood cells, to be inclusive. The red blood cells will absolutely not work because Trump Hat, so the red blood cells will identify as blue.  [ThermionicEmissions, by lefty]

Illegal alien charged for alleged sex with a cow arrested again. Things sure must be different south of Texas.

Pete Buttigieg, presidential democratic candidate: Using a straw or eating a burger means you are 'part of the problem'

Why the way we teach kids table manners is actually kind of racist
The message that eating food with your hands is unmannered is dripping with the control and shame of colonization - and we need to rethink our idea of "good manners," says chef and food activist Joshna Maharaj.   Food Activist? Me too - everybody eat a candy bar.

You Suffer for My Art

If you have an iDevice, you can install Whiplr, which describes itself as "Messenger with kinks," or messenger for people with less than mainstream sexual practices. They ask for your password in unencrypted email. Oops. Just to make their users feel better, Whiplr stores all this information in plain text, for any hacker or employee who cares to have a peek. So unless you want those pictures of you in the rubber outfit with the gas mask and the miniature horse to become public, you should delete your account and messenge somewhere else.

• I have no idea how this was determined, but 1 in 5 employees share their email passwords with coworkers. Don't do this. Ever. Ask your IT department for another way to do whatever you're trying to do.

The National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine have honored me by agreeing with my point that the US needs to go back to paper ballots. It took long enough, but we're finally in agreement.

• My good friends at Microsoft has decided they will offer support for Windows 7 for another three years, to help slow-moving corporations downgrade to Windows 10. And it's going to cost. For some unknown reason, my IP address has been blacklisted.

I just saw a show that introduced Randy Cramer, who claims he was recruited for a US Secret Space Program. If nothing else, this is interesting short science fiction, especially the depiction of our presence on Mars. I make no claims other than it's fun reading.

• Smart Outlets, no, really. One specific brand has a fault that will allow hackers to assume control of it and sneak into your network. Smart is Dumb.
• Artificial Intelligence will officially be here when your smart stove communicates with your smart microwave and both go on strike for higher voltage.

The times, they are a-changing. We live in the future! 

Someone just invented a Bluetooth salt shaker (although no one knows why). It 'enhances' your dining experience. Sorry, I just eat.. I don't have experiences. What could a Bluetooth salt shaker (the Smalt) do?  Play music from your phone, a color changing ring of lights, and.... get ready... it contains actual salt! Yes, we live in the future. If only the people who marveled at the tv wristwatch were alive to see this.

• The Planet of California, rapidly taking over for France in the World Derision Sweepstakes, has introduced the first legislation on connected devices. Although weak, it is the first of its kind in the US. It mandates information security and eliminates default passwords.
• Congress has proposed two bills on IoT devices, both designed to put together studies on devices. Yes, we're going to make everything safe for you, by putting together a select panel of people, who have absolutely no clue about the internet or IoT, to study the matter. Rapid Response, courtesy of your elected representatives (of the War State).

The European Court of Human Rights ruled that bulk interception of communications data and the obtaining of data from comms service providers violated Article 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights: the right to respect for private and family life/communications.

This is wonderful support for rights.
Meanwhile, the GCHQ and NSA are laughing so hard, there are tears in their eyes. I received confirmed information that at least two of them peed in their pants. Please do not repeat this.

• It's not often I find myself on Apple's side, but they have been harshly criticized for designing iPhones too big for women's hands. Campaigners were 'furious' over Apple discontinuing the SE; the smallest phone. 
• The average woman's hand is an inch narrower than an average man's hand. The campaigners have a lawsuit pending against God, claiming sexism, but as of this point, they have been unable to locate the defendant to serve the summons.
• The campaigners are fighting a war on several fronts, also with Women of Size, who are ok with the new phones; and Women of Sense, who think women are absolutely equal in every way and oppose special accommodations.

6G, the phone protocol so new, people don't even speak its name, will provide terabits per second speeds. Meanwhile, we wait for 5G, which promises faster speeds, but runs at the same shitty 4G and 3G speeds, depending upon which foot you're standing on with the most pressure.

• You know me - equality. So there's this washing machine detergent commercial featuring the dad talking about how dirty his daughter's princess dress gets and how he washes it. I don't really care that stay at home dads are represented.. I just can't help but think of all sorts of names for this guy, none of which you can say on tv.

Not An Original Thought Left in Hollywood, Part 453

There is a remake of Overboard, the Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell movie, where she develops amnesia and he hoodwinks her into being a mom and wife. The world was crying out for a remake and Hollywood delivered! The new movie, cleverly called Overboard, features a man with amnesia this time (see - they're original) and blonde Anna Faris as the hoodwinker. Can't we stop this before we're up to third generation remakes?

Men are demanding parity, seeking a remake of The Sound of Music, with a man in the role of Julie Andrews.

Grocery Shopping

I used to joke about things being personal, like rain. Most of it stopped, but it looks like the grocery store never got the memo. Last week, nothing I put on the list was available or reachable: bagels, fresh cookies, Bit O'Plague, bullets...

Wife just returned from the store. Did you know you can't purchase yogurt with fat? Everything's low fat, low sugar, low taste, low actual yogurt. My fresh chocolate chip cookies were the only container left, buried under 400 pumpkin spice containers. Later this week, CostCo is having a sale on pumpkin spice tires.  They stopped carrying my coffee creamer entirely. WTF is salted caramel? Whose brilliant idea was it to salt caramel? Isn't salt bad for you? Let's add anthrax to chocolate, shall we? Do they not understand how sacred our coffee is? Maybe blueberry cream is delicious - I don't care and I'm not letting it get within 3 miles of my coffee cup.

Icky Poo

It's been a busy, crappy time here at Happy House.

My very smart child, with a history of requiring all sorts of different foods to convince him to take his medicine, has taken to getting the food in his mouth, then spitting it out if he feels a pill. Once on the floor, he eats the food and leaves the pill. This is the one time I wish he wasn't so smart. He has a Pile O Pills to take and it's so difficult to get them in, we might only get his pain pills in. We were advised to keep feeding him chicken, but put some rice it with it. It's ok to spice or sweeten it, so long as it gets in. We've established he wants nothing to do with peas.

Things were fine but something else developed, naturally. He's very unhappy. Two vet visits later, there's arthritis (that we knew about) and a urinary tract infection (which we obviously didn't). Vet said he can have oral meds at one price or an injection at a higher price. She didn't get that out of her mouth before INJECTION was chosen. He's just fine with needles - he sits through acupuncture. More pain meds to follow on the third visit. As I type, he's plunging his left paw into his water bowl and moving the water outside of the bowl. We're not sure why he likes to perform Water Moving activities, but there are a number of ideas, none interesting enough to mention.

The wife is a mess because he keeps her up all night, which puts her in a bad spot during the day. I think she secretly prefers this, as she doesn't have to put up with me if she sleeps during the day and I sleep at night. I'd certainly like it.

And me? I'm unhappy and terrified of losing my best friend. 

Oddly enough, he's not suffering from the cancer - currently it's the other stuff.  But he will not be allowed to suffer.

Today he went with his mommy to pick up his new pain meds. The entire office stopped what they were doing: the vet techs came out of the exam rooms, the staff came out from behind the counter, all to see Marshall. The practice owner came out, looked at what was happening and said, "It's the million dollar dog." This happens wherever he goes. And I am assured it has nothing to do with the vacation home we helped finance or the new Range Rover we paid for most of.

• As an update to the Art Bell story, the other night was the first time Midnight in the Desert was live since Art's death. I made an effort to tune in because I wanted to hear Heather Wade, post-tragedy. Wasn't I surprised to discover Heather was not the host that night. Furthermore, she resigned, as it were. There was a new host. Good luck to him... it was a bit shocking for the fans. Heather apparently was pretty shocked by Art's death. I'll miss her, but I think she'll be back at it again, just not on Midnight.

In a shocking statistic, NSA warrantless searches are up over 40%.

Ok, maybe it's not really all that shocking.

That's citizens' phone calls and online messages. Without a warrant. Due to a 'loophole'. There's more data here.

• A malicious message can crash WhatsApp and possibly your Android/iOS phone itself. Don't use WhatsApp. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

The Pentagon has banned the sale of Chinese phones at military exchanges over security risks. Really? These guys really jump on an issue. BUT WAIT, there's more: personnel haven't been banned from using the phones yet, but that may come. So let's review, shall we? It is verboten to sell Chinese phones but not to use them. Once again, I warn readers to exercise caution when shaking their heads: vigorous head-shaking can cause neck injuries.

• REMINDER: if you use Twitter, change your password. Twitter screwed the pooch and made your password visible to at least their employees. So until they screw up something else, change your password. NOW please.

It's a plain shame that the hair on top of my head does not have the tenacity of the hair on my ears.

• Do you ever wonder why all states haven't legalized marijuana yet? Why the War on Drugs isn't a relic of the past? Here's a 'top story', with a feel-bad angle that if Illinois legalizes pot, 275 drug dogs will be out of a job.
• Now, extrapolate this to personnel, expensive equipment and General Infrastructure required for the War on Drugs and you have your answer.

I like Stone Temple Pilots a lot. Their sheer variety is impressive. Not so much their Big Hits, but the lesser known songs, plus their ability to sound different on every song. I'm ordering the new album, with their new singer today, after hearing a song from it on the radio.  

Their original singer, Scott Weiland, took himself out a short time back, probably the victim of self-medicating his bipolar disorder (speculation mine). To look at him was to figure out why their output was so varied. One night he had yellow hair, the next he was dressed as a stormtrooper. He was a very energetic, engaging front man, with a lot more vocal talent than people thought.

Every now and then a solo song from Scott will pop up in my music rotation and I'll reflect on how delightfully odd and interesting his songs are. Definitely worth a listen and a purchase.

STP had an interesting relationship with the Howard Stern show. Scott would get clean, the band would go on the show to perform, then Scott would run out and fall off the wagon with vigor. It may have happened more than once.

Three Cheers!

A New Jersey high school is making headlines with its new rule that everybody makes the cheerleading squad or no one does. Yes, snowflakes, now's the time to  be a cheerleader! Reap the fabulous benefits of being tossed in the air and missed by some kid that could barely lift himself out of bed this morning.

Differently abled? Not to worry - your cheermates will be required to hold your wheelchair up in the air during the human pyramid. Are you a typical depressed teenager who can't muster the energy to smile, no less cheer? You can stand behind the basketball team. Hey - do you smoke a lot of wacky weed and take a lot of pills without a prescription? Well drop that guitar and pick up a tuba, because the band's hiring too! Girls - could you stand to lose a few pounds? Afraid they don't make uniforms in your size? With all-access cheerleading, you're still screwed!

Surprisingly enough, the loudest group against the school's latest brilliant idea is the developmentally delayed. They realized that they'd be on the same level as dumb blonde cheerleaders and football players, and don't want to stoop that low. 

• It's a good thing she got that runny nose from allergies checked out. She was leaking brain fluid. She didn't recognize it because she didn't know she had a brain. To be fair, she saw a lot of doctors without brains too, all of whom failed to diagnose her correctly.

But But But Butt

But is a very powerful word and you must be on the lookout for it at all times.

It doesn't mean what you think it means. To fulfill my self-imposed obligation to educate and entertain (mostly entertain), I have put together a translator, just for you.

I don't mean to bother you, but.....   I truly enjoy bothering you.

I don't want to waste your time, but.....  Look at me wasting your time!

I know that you hate social media, but....  You will now look at cute cat pictures.

Just today, Wife said, "Not that you're interested, but the 76ers...."

If you know I'm not interested, why do you continue to tell me about it?

Not that you're interested, but...  I'm going to keep talking whether you want to hear me or not.

I know you'd rather not read about skin care, but....   Here's a less than clever segue into a story about pimples.

I suppose it happens to everyone at some point in their lives, but I never thought it would happen to me. I have passed the Acne Years by a few (decades) and thought I was safe.  But when you let your guard down is when They get you.

I have a blackhead.

[phew]

Even during the Acne Years I never had a blackhead. Is it because I'm white?

Where does one even get a blackhead?

How TF should I know?

I took a guess, not being an expert on skin care. It was black. I went with blackhead. Wife was proud.

Apparently you're not supposed to pop them, like whiteheads. Funny aside: Reddit has a subreddit called popping, which has pictures and video of people popping pimples and doctors doing procedures to open/remove the skin disturbances. It's enough to make you eat your pet rock.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, no popping.

So I tried popping for a few weeks. No luck.

After all that trauma, I consulted an expert: a woman. Women just know stuff and this is one of those things - anything to do with skin care or deep gashes that require stitches or how to apply makeup to you so you'll look adorable. Naturally the wife.  Wife handed me a bottle and said, "Put this stuff on it a few times a day. It dries things out."

I may not be a smart man or a good looking man or... wait.. where was I?

but I know who I want to sleep with me, so I used the stuff in the expensive-looking bottle. I have no idea what it cost, but I know it was expensive. Anything you apply to your skin is expensive, especially Eeyore band-aids (yes).  

Of course I needed a course in application. The stuff in the bottle had separated so I went to shake it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Wife flying through the air, like some deranged German ninja. She grabbed the bottle and told me "NO - YOU DON'T SHAKE IT!"

I should have known. Ok, I'll play: Why not?

Because you don't.

Ah.

You stick the Qtip in, pushing it into the sediment at the bottom. Then put it on your nose. So for the last few days, I've been walking around with a small patch of skin on my nose, six shades whiter than my skin. Even though it's hard to imagine anything lighter than my skin, this stuff takes the cake. One time it dripped, making me look even more like a cracked-out coke user on acid.

After a few days, I mentioned to Wife that it wasn't working all that well. I based this upon my scientific observation that the little bastard was still there. I felt safe with this bit of science (which I should not have).

"Well did you wash your face first?"

No, why?

"You're supposed to wash your face first!"

You didn't mention that. You showed me the stuff in the expensive-looking bottle and explained its application. And NOT TO SHAKE IT.

"You have to use the pads. It's not going to work on a dirty nose."

What pads? (knowing this wasn't going to be pretty)

"The little white ones."

What little white ones?

[hands me a package of wipey cloths with expensive-smelling stuff on them] "Here. You wash with these, don't forget to DRY, then apply the stuff in the expensive-looking bottle."

Oh. I shoulda known that. Sorry.

[it's always best to end with an apology, in addition to starting with an apology, regardless of whether it was your fault or not. trust me.]

So here I am, two days into washing, looking stupid, and continuing to have a blackhead.

What I don't know is that this treatment will not rid me of blackheads. 

My wife bet my mother that she could get me to walk around with a splotch on my face for two weeks.

• I remembered to take out the trash this week. It was momentous. I don't know about you, but I think I deserve a pizza and some ice cream. And a bj.

You know that one of the things I hate most in life is mowing the lawn.

As we have not yet made arrangements with the budding teenage capitalist who did the job last year, it fell to me. You'd think after all these years, my wife would KNOW this isn't a good idea. Even more dumb is the guy who went ahead and did it.

Things have come a long way. The electric mower we had would actually stall. It stalled even faster when the wife ran over the cord. The gas mowers did battle with me, like my old cars used to: it was anyone's guess whether they'd start or not, much like John McCain. My enterprising spouse did a lot of research and came up with a Worx* battery powered mower. It's much smaller than a real mower and is made out of orange and black plastic, like some large child's toy mower. You charge up the 24v battery, literally drop it in, and mow. Because it's small, it weighs very little. Because it's mine, it needs to cut grass taller than its handle. When you're done, take the battery out and let the kids play with it. Or, if you're really after variety, leave the battery in.

I'm very lucky the wife didn't do this much research on husbands before she selected.

In related news, I went from Full Couch to Full Mow in a minute.

I'm typing this on the emergency room's free internet.

*I don't get paid for this, but if they offer, I'll accept.

Oh shut up -  I mowed this week

The Torture Will Continue Until Morale Improves

In the last installment of ThermionicEmissions, we learned about one of my Days From Hell, which happened before 10am. An entire week of Serious Agitation, jammed into a few hours. Anyone who has been reading knows this could not go on unappended.

After the bank allowed the mortgage company to take double payments from the  account, the account crashed. I had to get up early on a Saturday, which is somewhat like waking someone at 3am for work, and go there.  Perhaps because of this, one cannot park there. There is a line to turn off the main street, forming a line to park. The parking lot is overflowing, causing people to park on a side street. Even the side street had run out of parking space.  In the lobby, I joined fifteen others in line. I was literally standing by the door, holding it open. In case I got bored, there was a small sitting area where some lady was loudly holding a conversation on her cell phone for all to hear. I swear some of these people were raised by wild animals, although even wild animals don't make this kind of noise in the open.

You have to do some sort of amazing dance of the slips to deposit a check and get money back, so I needed help. While getting help, the cashier noted my account was a mess (really?) and said I wouldn't get much back.

EXCUSE ME?

She was really helpful, though, suggesting I use mobile banking, which would work better in this instance. That was really nice.

Since we were past closing hours, each teller was required to escort the customer out and lock the door, leaving one teller available for customers. I felt bad for the rest of the customers, plus I wouldn't get to hear the Loud Lady finish her conversation. Will he or won't he?

Once home, my beloved started asking me questions faster and faster and more demanding and why didn't I.... Well, if you would've come with me, like I asked, maybe you'd know. But it has to get deposited. Justifiable homicide, of which I did not take advantage.

I went to their website after locating the URL. BE VERY CAREFUL HERE. There are sites set up to spoof or fool the user into giving up their banking information. If the URL to your bank is bobsbank.org, there will probably be a bobsbank.com. Websites are set up by monkeys, who are frequently drunk, leading to sites that vary from Bad to Unusable. This particular site wanted to stress that online sevices would be down from 11pm that night to 6am for maintenance.

The site flatly refused to work on Firefox, so I tried a different browser, which was more cooperative. Nowhere in the menus was Mobile Banking. And why should it be - it's only a service the bank offers. Eventually I found it in the Help section. It took me offsite to Google Play, to get the app. I do not use Google, having removed my account because I don't like their information collection and spying. I gave up. The wife tried. It took her ten minutes to find the app. When two arguably intelligent alleged adults cannot find what they're looking for, there might be a design flaw. Perhaps while drunk, the monkeys dropped their crayons.

Moments later the app was installed. And it flatly refused to work because the network was down for maintenance. Yes, at 11am, the system that was to be going down at 11pm was down. I cannot possibly make this stuff up - it just happens. Wife was most impressed, first by shitty design, second because she had checks coming out.

Do me a favor, please. Leave a comment if you have days like these every few weeks. I truly want to believe this is wrong and does not happen to Normal People like it does to us.

Subsequently the app worked. You put in your name and password, then take a picture of the front and back of the check. The money is then available for use or use at your local bank machine. Note: although you take pictures, they do not go to your picture directory, so if you want proof, take separate pictures or the app will delete them.

This is all extremely handy and I don't trust it. Unfortunately I had no choice in the matter. Interestingly, the stories I read about hacking and theft all occur not at the phone level, but at the bank or business level. Use this info, as well as your own research, to make your decision.

• When police put handcuffs on someone, they say it's for their protection as well as the person's. As well as the person's? How is the person protected by having handcuffs? What are they being protected from - police shooting people that aren't in handcuffs?

Know what's weird? Aside from me?

For us Americans to see stuff we never see. Ever see a black woman with a Scottish accent? An Asian doctor with an Australian accent? A Philadelphian whose accent doesn't make you want to gouge your own eardrums out?

• Diet Coke's new ad campaign seems to resolve around making a decision to have a Diet Coke, which will give you the magical power to do anything you want, even as an 80 year old man in a nursing home.
• Allowing yourself a Diet Coke is not a brave, tasteful decision. It tastes like toilet, with a bad aftertaste. Allowing yourself a real Coke is a better idea. Allowing yourself ice cream or a pound of fudge is a brave, tasteful decision. I don't know an awful lot about advertising, but this doesn't seem like an effective one. Unless people are that stupid, which is a distinct possibility.

With my typing getting worse by the day, I wanted to recommend the Ctrl-Z key combination, which puts things back the way they were before you inadvertently deleted an entire paragraph or inserted four spaces in different spots randomly. This works in most word processors, as well as several other wordy programs.

• I forget what they're called.. I call them snap off knives. They're segmented boxcutters but when the blade gets dull, you snap it off and there's another sharp one under it. In any case, you better not get caught with one in England because it's lethal and offensive. And you better not have a hammer with it - those are breaking and entering tools. England is a weird place. I guess I shouldn't talk - Americans believe planes were brought down with boxcutters.

Father of the internet, Sir Tim Berners-Lee says regulation of the web might be needed. "Social network have too much power... and their profit motive means they won't act for the good of all."

One certainly can't argue with that. 

Berners-Lee suggests assembling the brightest and best to tackle the web's future.

Talk of regulation makes me bristle. Who creates the rules? Who enforces them? how?

Internet History and Origins

Twenty years ago, F-Secure, the antivirus company, ran a BBS (bulletin board system), which was the easiest way to contact them. This was (hushed silence) before the web. Surprisingly enough, I ran a BBS too.

How did this work? Your computer was equipped with a modem, which used your phone line to make a call to the BBS. The issue here is that, like regular old phone calls, you could incur long distance charges; these were prohibitive if you wanted to call F-Secure, waaaay overseas. People would locate BBSes in their local exchange and have their computer call. They could do file transfer and/or
'talk to' their friends via a text system akin to putting notes on a big board, hence bulletin board system. These ran anywhere from single line to many line systems. Eventually they connected to the 'internet', which at that time was Usenet Newsgroups. There were thousands of special interest groups, from knitting to politics to left-handed guitar players. Due to the initial design of the internet, a good percentage of usenet users were at universities. As we all know, college students know everything, so there was a fair bit of antisocial behavior (lest you think that bad manners were invented recently, on social media). Everything was done in text mode. Yes, text mode. No fancy backgrounds or, heaven help us, emojis.

Since I discovered BBSes, I always managed to have a second phone line so  could I could call out to them, and eventually run one myself. I started with a 286 computer that, through donations, I upgraded to a stunning 1M of RAM. It gets better: I got a special price on a 28.8k modem... I was in the high speed lane! Met a lot of really nice people, including socializing with them. The good old days.

• The demographics for this blog are such that most readers do not have infants or toddlers. Of course like most of this blog, I'm making it up. I do want to make you aware that there's a SmartDiaper. It will alert you when the child pees. It will also alert Google, or at least the manufacturer.
• How did our parents ever live without this? Good lord - they had to check manually and be aware of the baby.
• It's only a matter of time until the robot changes the baby's draper, removing the need for much contact at all with the future ankle biter.

Inclusiveness and the Violence of Being White

A British company is selling gender-neutral Mother's Day cards to make the day more 'transgender inclusive'.

No.

Even if you're not brimming with enthusiasm for the cards, you'll no doubt be thrilled that there are new mannequins with such wonderful real-life features as full-figured (fat), stretch marks, freckles, and vitiligo, which causes patches of skin to lose pigmentation. Planned for 2019: chicken pox, bruises from spousal abuse, and second degree burns from a house fire that's suspected to have been set by the spouse.

Nordstroms has ordered sizes 12+16 and will mix them with the "standard" 2s, 4s, and 8s.  They still refuse to carry size 10, although no one knows why. 

There is actually a Kim Kardashian mannequin, which was bound to happen, but no one is currently producing a Roseanne. The mannequin companies have been making larger sizes for a while, but the stores are not buying them. With this new inclusion, stores are buying them.

I predict that, as with all the new inclusion, this will fail miserably. There's a reason that the stores didn't order plus size mannequins: no one wanted to look at them. As the husband of a former plus size woman, I couldn't help but notice that just about all of the clothes looked like Bozo the Clown. This was a design error. The plus size clothes on the plus size mannequins looked like something out of a department store nightmare. Pick up an actual paper circular for a store and look for plus size clothes. If you can find any, the sight of them makes you want to back away quickly. My wife agrees 100%. They just don't look right. So don't be surprised when people don't want to see plus size mannequins again.

From inclusion, we go to exclusion: SAARTJ restaurant in Louisiana will charge white people an additional $18 (suggested) per meal to highlight the local pay gap, with the surplus going to black diners (some of whom offered to pay the overage). The only question remaining is whether the white folk will have to use the Cracker Entrance in the back.

The University of Minnesota, Alaska Campus, has invited a professor dedicated to "dismantling whiteness" to speak on how whiteness is an "existential threat" to the US.  She discusses the ubiquity and violence of whiteness in her lecture, which is geared toward administrators, but students are allowed to attend. In other words, she wants to empower colleges to "decenter whiteness".

Don't know about you, but I'm proud to be an existential threat. Unfortunately, no matter how large a threat I am, she will continue to get paid for speaking. Interesting to note that white women are also a threat. We toxic white people should really give the country to non-toxic folks. It's the right thing to do.

Dr. Lisa Anderson-Levy: neither I, nor any of my readers, have to work hard to put forth the case that you are the existential threat to the US, with your race-baiting. We need to come together; you want to keep us separated. Can't we get back to normal college topics, like toxic masculinity?

• The head of the FBI said, in a ridiculous demonstration of his knowledge of IT, that he doesn't know what a back door is. The FBI does not want back doors, it just wants to be able to access your data, if you're a Bad Guy, and with proper legal authorization.
• In response, the NSA said, "Yeah, us too!" and laughed hysterically, as they slurped up every bit (and byte) of your data, sans legal paperwork.

A recent study argues that there's no such thing as a "straight" man or woman. It claims we operate on a spectrum.

Errr...this comes as quite a shock to the wife. And to me, for that matter. Even assuming this is true, if I don't find men attractive, wouldn't that qualify me as 100% straight? Does the fact that I take my wife shoe shopping move me further along the spectrum toward kissing someone else with facial hair?

Measurements were taken of pupil dilation, which is a sign of sexual arousal. Or the room getting suddenly dark.  Women's eyes dilated for straight porn, as well as lesbian porn. Men's eyes dilated for straight porn and a guy masturbating. Perhaps dilation also means PLEASE GET THAT AWAY FROM ME. By the way, lubrication, erections, hard nipples, and looking flush are also signs of arousal.

My favorite bit is that the idea of bisexuality as the norm is becoming more accepted when it comes to women, but men are still struggling with it because of, WAIT FOR IT... the Patriarchy!  Stupid patriarchy.

• CaliBurger recently celebrated its newest employee, Flippy. Flippy, the $60,000 (plus $12,000 maintenance yearly) automated burger flipper would replace those superfluous people who always screw up your order. Unfortunately Flippy didn't last one day. It seems the superfluous humans did it again: Flippy was so efficient that the they couldn't keep up with it. The people were necessary to add toppings and run the registers.
• The only sensible route here is to pay for Flippy's cousins, Toppy and Cashy.

Within months, Amazon and others will start using drones for delivery.  Amazon has stated that it will not deliver to certain areas, like southern states, to avoid having their drones shot down by overly protective neighbors. Detroit is also off the list, because Amazon wants their drones to return. San Francisco has already lodged a protest because it's worried about emissions from the all-electric vehicles. There is no word from New Jersey, which is either not answering its phones or forgot to pay its phone bill.

Much more interesting, as well as much easier to pass muster, would be to use those vacuum sucking transport hamster tubes they use in banks. People will simply stand there and watch it for hours. Should this happen, the Kardashians will be canceled. 

• Twitter is actively censoring the Drudge Report. When Drudge tweets, Twitter, which usually spoilers tweets, makes the tweet unavailable. Speaking as a Twitter user, the place is turning into a left wing hellhole. As someone who isn't left (or right) and hates censorship, this is morally reprehensible. Once again, it's their game and their customers are free to go elsewhere. I suggest GAB.AI, where I signed up, which is dedicated to free speech. They don't even censor nazis.

Lil Wayne, a rapper, found a unique way to endear himself to his audience the other night in Australia.

“We’re I’m from, I think you all know that’s the states, we don’t throw s**t on stage because all my n*****s got pistols and they don’t know who to shoot at,”

Hey Wayne.... do they really call you Sally?... perhaps you should let Security deal with the throwers of s**t. This way you can continue inflicting you art upon your fans.

• Are you one of the throngs of people who use Paypal? The new GDPR (EU) legislation shows us the 600+ companies with which Paypal shares your information. There's even a handy dandy graphic visualization.

Are you a triggered Never Trump voter looking for love? NeverTrump.dating has your back.  You can find the right (sorry, left) partner for you and not have to worry about them having voted for the president. You can share your delusions and hopefully, love. For a substantial discount, you can be matched with a Green or a Libertarian. Anything but Trump.

• Live Nation sent me an email titled "Concerts Announced Just for You". Their algorithms are seriously f-d up and produce some hilarious results, like JayZ and Beyonce. Yes, all classic rock and instrumental guitar enthusiasts will storm the gates for JayZ.  The only hope we have for data privacy is that the info shared will be so incorrect as to be hilarious.

Let's Go Guitar Pedal Shopping

People who are not musicians are excused from reading this, however there will be a brief quiz at the end of the blog.

It's been bloody forever since I've bought myself anything more than a few strings. Guitars are still out of the question because of my exorbitant tastes.

Because I was intrigued by Eric Johnson's opener's use of a looper, I decided that might be fun. There are a ton of them, with names like Muku, Getaria, Ditto, Hotone, WALLY, Muzizy, Nux, Mooer, Talent (comes with it?), Road Rage (batters your other pedals), and of course, the Faustus Regurgitator. The Regurgitator probably recharges the lawn scarifier that I just saw on tv.

As with any advertised piece of electronics, the description is sometimes arrived at through translation, resulting in "Chinglish" or "Japenglish" like so: 

• Pure analog Whole circuit delay, clear, plump and smooth New Delay effect
• This is the delay pedal with the name of YELLOW FALL
• Comes with Manuel. Manuel from Fawlty Towers? Manuel labor?
• Boutique guitar switcher - turns one guitar into another so you don't have to take one off and pick up another
• Boss EC-2 allows you to record up to 16 minutes - this is helpful when you're onstage and have to defecate. You hit PLAY and run backstage for some relief: excretory or perhaps oral.

Since this is the 2000s, one doesn't simply purchase pedals, one auditions them on YouTube. You don't even have to go to the guitar store, which is good, because most of them suck. This concept is Pretty Damn Cool, as you can get a demo of absolutely anything, including amplifiers than cost more than several cars. You'll never have one, but at least you can tell people you know what they sound like.

You will see all kinds of people demoing all sorts of gear. 

One dude shows only the pedals and talks over the video. You see only a python-ish boot, turning the pedals off and on. He has a ton of videos. I think his name is GearMan. The quality of his boot speaks volumes about his method of analysis. He might be the guy who makes a point of using a curly cord. No one knows why.

GearMan has spawned countless imitators. I had to draw the line at one guy who threw out the boot idea and went with socks.  You simply can't demo pedals in socks. Everybody knows that.

Once you come up with a decision via YouTube, you head off to Ebay and Reverb to see what's available used and new. You can also discover pedals you hadn't thought of and need to check out too. 

What did I do?

I wanted a looper. The research started with online guitar communities and guitar buddies. The depth and breadth of knowledge here is awe-inspiring. Although all of it is opinion, after you get enough of them, you know how to move forward.  Everybody seemed to concur on the Ditto looper as a great first basic looper, although there were stories about footswitch reliability.

So I went to YouTube and started watching and listening. Not only was this helpful - it started to open my vistas and potentially get expensive. This is absolutely nothing new to me, but funny just the same. In addition to basic loopers of all reasonable prices and sizes and capabilities, I discovered loopers that did Other Stuff<tm>. Drum machines, vocal uses, and the killer, Delays. Delays and loopers are very similar, as they both involve memory. Initially I was down to the 

• JamMan: reasonably priced, has a drum machine. And quite an attractive shade of blue, which was important (if there was a tie). 
• Electro Harmonix Canyon: great reviews, about 11 different delays, with all sorts of variations and useful settings. 
• Flashback 2: like the Canyon, but can connect to a pc and export loops, plus a Toneprint input, where you can load presets from other users in an online community.

The JamMan came in a number of models and made a lot of sense with the drum machine. Some had bass too. While trying to loop, these would be very handy, so there's no way I could purchase it. Something about the units that had delay too made them more attractive because I could use them as delays in addition to looping.

The Canyon seemed to be a favorite everywhere in the online reviews attached to the demo videos and Ebay reviews.  Luckily I found a video comparing the two. Most people seemed to think the Canyon was the winner by far, but my ears told me the Flashback 2 had better sounding output (Canyon was cloudy, with less clarity, but still pretty good). The Flashback also had external connectivity and Toneprint. Not that it mattered, but you can install the Toneprints by holding your cell phone up to the guitar and sending it.

Reverb seemed to have the highest prices, which was pretty odd. Ebay was cheaper by a minimum of $10-20. These pedals came pretty close in price, so it came down to preference. One telling item was that there were almost no used pedals. I'm not sure what it was telling, but it was.  I found an open box/demo unit for $20 off the rest of them and bought it. I also got to see other brands and listen on YouTube. Even if I spent more, I don't think a better unit would have helped me more. The next step up involved more 'tracks', which I can live without (at this moment, heh heh).

Here's my complaint about the YouTube demo videos: python boots and socks aside, I'd prefer to listen to these pedals with as generic a setup as possible. Running your 1962 Strat into a Supro amp will not give me a reasonable idea what this pedal will sound like. How about a Strat, Tele, or Les Paul into a Deluxe Reverb or other more common amp? And while we're at it, running a demo pedal with another pedal you like (reverb?) isn't helpful. Nor is your idea of great-sounding distortion. Just make it simple and clean. Use equipment most people are likely to have. Your vintage Strat or custom-made PRS isn't realistic for us Normal Shlubs. One guy who is famous for reviews will not let go of his whammy bar at the end of every phrase. This is not going to help people with reviews, especially time-based effects. Please put the thing away, out of reach, so we can concentrate on the effect.

Don't count me as a curmudgeon (in this case anyway). I truly appreciate the time and effort these people took to give us this great info. Never let it be said that YouTube is completely useless.  Just mostly useless, unless you want to see the latest gossip, songs from current, painful-sounding artists, and Macarena videos. I can scan the entire new video page and not find a single video I would watch. Plus YouTube/Google has decided to start censoring, cutting ad revenue, and banning content they don't like, which generally happens to be more right-leaning speech, like Twitter and Reddit, to some extent. With these four online giants actively censoring, this is no longer someone's conspiracy theory. While I  don't subscribe to some of the right-leaning propaganda, I am thoroughly against censorship, lest they start censoring stuff I like. Being private entities, they don't owe us anything and free speech does not apply (only government/state entities may not abridge free speech).

So that's how I auditioned and bought a pedal. Being a serious musician that doesn't play outside his house, I have given up on cheap equipment. I want something that sounds good, is built well, and is likely to last as long as I use it and further. Yes, in some ways, I'm all grown up.