I am Offended by Your Offense

Your love is like  deep fried pickle peanut butter

Porsche and BMW are working on integrating AI into their driving systems.

This project will take much longer than expected, when they discover how hard it is to teach computers to drive like assholes.

Today I identify as  a Tesla driver assist driver: I'm in the trunk

You know, I've been uneasy for years. No, not that way. Uneasy because the whole world is offended by something or other, but very little offends me (except houndstooth). I searched the ends of the earth for something that would sufficiently offend me, but the only thing I came up with is that there's no Left Handed History Month. Unfortunately we cannot generate enough guilt to get anything from it, so I remain unoffended.

Then it hit me: I *am* offended by something. It was so close I couldn't see it. I am offended by your offense! Whenever someone, like SJWs, starts whining and getting offended, I am offended by it! I feel like a true citizen of the world now. The only thing I haven't done is sued anybody. If I don't get on this, I might lose my American citizenship, even though I was born here.

TIME 

Sometimes it's a song by Pink Floyd (a 1920s gay gangster). 

Or a song by the Alan Parsons Project (that could bore you to a slow, lingering death). 

It could be time for a change.

Time for napping.

Time for ice cream.

Time for boom-boom!

Time goes on (or so they say).

When it's feeling way too organized, time marches on.

Time screams when you wake up 5 minutes before the alarm.

Sometimes time stampedes, like a particularly deadly Who concert in Ohio.

If you're waiting for your paycheck or a hot date, time crawls.

If the IRS is involved, there is no time.

But the absolute longest period of time is when you're waiting for quitting time at work.

Honey, I'm feeling frisky - let's go get naked.

I can't.

Why not?

The battery in the phone is low and we won't be able to video ourselves.

Oh. Good night then.

Good night.

I am writing today from the hospital. Don't worry - I have a few posts in the can so no one will miss out.

Why am I in the hospital? Why did you ask? You didn't?

It goes like this: as you know, I was one of the kids who couldn't shut up in class. It did not translate well to (alleged) adulthood, nor did the meds work. So I don't always read the whole sentence. Or even more than a word or 2. It bit me this morning. My coffee creamer has this nice blue container, from which comes the french vanilla goodness that helps the morning get started. As it turns out, Carnation also uses this shade of blue on another flavor: coconut cream. Guess what I did? Guess how long it took the ambulance to arrive? They came faster when I said 'coconut'. 

At first the emergency room docs didn't think I was going to make it. It was the worst case of coconut creamer they had ever seen. I begged them to try harder - ThermionicEmissions must go on!  It turned out some of them are readers, so I lived. It's a good thing I got poisoned when I did... if it happened an hour earlier, I'd have gotten the doctor who tried to read ThermionicEmissions but hated it. I'd have died in the E/R.  So I just have to rest for a few weeks. The doctors told me I am not even to read the word 'coconut' or I could suffer a relapse. Oops.

Know what would be bad?

Being an astronaut and going to Mars, then finding out you've been fired. Or there's no money in the budget to get you back to Earth because NASA administrators bought an island for themselves. It's ok, though; you just found out you could grow Brussels sprouts in the Martian soil.

Headline: First Suicides on Mars

Those telehealth appointments... I don't like them. I don't necessarily need to see my doctor in person - he's not my type, but what's really embarrassing are the rectal exams.

MOW 

If you've read any of this blog, you know I like to mow about as much as Jews like nazis. What's worse is that the fscking grass grows back in a week. Correction: the weeds grow back. Whatever they are, they grow like weeds... well... you get the point. This sets off  my Mowing PTSD, as well as Wife's terror that the neighbors will see the weeds getting so high, they hide the dog. I will not mow weekly and have a doctor's note to that effect. I also have a doctor's note so I don't have to use iDevices at work. but that didn't go so well. So We settled on every 2 weeks. Or rather, SHE settled on every 2 weeks. I fight tooth and nail to avoid it. Then she threatens to withhold things... like cooking and shopping and laundry. So I run out of excuses and have to mow.

She purchased some sort of industrial blue electric mowing thing for me. When I say 'for me,' it  makes me nervous and pissed. I want her to purchase guitars for me, not a fscking mower. Blue is nice, but it does nothing to change the fact that it's a mower. It's electric, so it makes me feel good that I'm not causing a hole above the house, even though the electricity to charge it way offsets the gain from not using gasoline. Regular mowers use those 12v or 24v batteries. Because this is a mower that can do a football field, it uses 48volts.  That's a lot of responsibility, especially for someone who hates mowers like the pope hates the rest of humanity. Oh yeah, it also has a Blue Lever<tm>. Being the curious sort, I pulled the Blue Lever<tm> and the mower SHOT FORWARD on its own, nearly mowing down the shed and a few smaller children. There are so many children around, I figure no one will miss a few. The problem here, aside from me having to use the infernal device, is that it will go, but will not go by itself, so I can sit on the sofa in peace. Or pieces, depending on how much grass I temporarily knock down mow.

There are robo-mowers, like those stupid robo house vacuums, but the yard is so weird, it will burn out its own cpu just thinking about it. So I need to stand behind and move with the fscker. Being smart (the mower, not me) it won't start if it's on tall grass. This caused a bit of Language before I figured it out. The robo feature is actually kinda cool, especially going up hills. Wife was most impressed. Because it is a robo, it undoubtedly cost waaaay more than it should have, but she 'got it on sale.'  I'm only slightly aware of how this works... a plain old mower might be $200. A riding mower would be a few mortgage payments. A robo-mower might have been $500, but she got it on 'sale,' meaning $400. So because of the 'sale,' we spent $400 instead of $200. This is some sort of Shoe Logic<tm>, by which she purchases a lot of shoes because they were 'on sale.' Like all husbands, I try to explain that 'on sale' does not mean 'saving money,' it means paying less (or more, in her case). 

So I mowed.

Ugh.

I remembered something the doctor said, when he was giving me no-iDevice notes: most heart attacks come when (from) shoveling snow, because people overdo it. Mowing is just the summer equivalent of shoveling snow. People who make a life sitting on the couch should not progress directly to shoveling (or, heaven forbid, mowing). There should be some sort of intermediate activity, like standing and walking (to the kitchen for a Yoo Hoo). Or standing, walking out the door, and sitting on the steps. One must approach this carefully, lest a heart attack (or worse, mowing) occur. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I sit. A lot. The couch has actually molded itself around my buttocks. It's comfy - a safe feeling, like Wife sitting on my lap, or a naked Hadid. So for me to actually stand, get the mower, plug in the batteries, only to find they're not charged, and scream a bit is taxing, both physically and mentally. I constantly tell Wife that she's going to be the cause of my heart attack (like most me, I guess) and will have to live with me being a vegetable, something I hate, or dead. Then who will mow the lawn? 

At least I can listen to music.

Oops, no I can't - the headphones keep falling out of the headphone jack, as mentioned earlier, so no music. It was such a small thing, listening to my tunes while doing something I like as much as President Giveaway likes taking down the debt. But I have Unrealistic Expectations, or so I'm told. 

So I mowed.

I have nothing nice to say about the experience, like everyone says after paying taxes. My mother told me "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything," then she was surprised that I did't speak til I was 19.  It's not like I'm getting older, but the mower got heavier and harder to use as I went on. After I shut it off, the drag to its resting place (not its final resting place, unfortunately) was painful and interminable. Only when I turned around did I notice why it was so painful: it had become attached to 8 feet of branches and various species of Yard Flora. If I had had to drag it another foot, Wife would have found my body the next day (or the next week), if she missed me (a real long shot). They say the Walk of Shame is the hardest thing women have to do, but the longest and most painful thing for men is the House Walk, which is the walk from the mower to the house. It may only be 20' (3 grams Canadian), but to us, it's a mile and a half of pain and sweat. It is then that you figure out why people say not to wear black in the summer. But everything I have is black. Once safely back in the house, it's 2 hours of showering with my clothes on. I have to keep my clothes on, because after 10 minutes (3 grams Canadian), the hot water runs out. And because of the shame. If I don't shower immediately, I sit there, praying to the industrial fan (she buys nothing small, but it was on sale) for an hour or two, until I stop dripping and the Yoo Hoo is gone. The whole case. Every now and then I check the heart monitor, to make sure I'm not having a Cardiac Event, as if I were shoveling snow (or mowing). My last Cardiac Event was catered, and people are still talking about it.

So that's it (for another 2 weeks) -(3 grams Canadian).

Apropos of nothing, I finally bought myself a Christmas present. One I could use. Something cheap. A nose hair trimmer. It's the most useful (and fascinating) thing I've gotten in years. It started out as a joke for my BFF, who's older than me. But it actually works. I turn it on, start sawing away, enjoy the noise and smoke, and spend most of my time wondering where the tiny little hairs go after they get reduced in length. I'm very easily amused, if you couldn't tell.

• If you need to feel old for some reason, adult star Gauge is 41.

Ten Years Gone 

My favorite Led Zeppelin song.

Robert Plant said it was written to remind you to love someone because they could be gone at any time.

At this point, it's over 15 years since you left.

We were all shocked beyond belief.

It was your favorite song to try to play on the guitar. You'd play it over and over (and over), annoying the hell out of your friends and anyone who happened to be within range. To your credit, it's not a very easy song to play, and you'd keep at it til you had it down.

We still think of you all the time. I feel terrible I was out of touch- like that would have made any difference. I hope, in whatever way, we meet again.

- Ten Years Gone, Holdin' On, Singing Songs

This burger continues to have no burger

Last week or so, I wrote up yet another Fast Food Screed, after a Fast Food Fsck at Wendy's.

Wife says bacon cheeseburger with nothing but pickles. 

I got a bacon cheeseburger with everything, including MAYONNAISE. Not only does NOTHING BUT PICKLES mean no mayonnaise, but there should NEVER be mayonnaise on my burger (you do whatever you want). To put the cherry on the burger, the pickles were wrong. Every single pickle I have ever had on a burger was the same - a sweet-ish pickle. This particular pickle was sour-ish. Not only do they have different pickles than every other burger joint, they have different pickles than every other Wendy's.

The pickles were symbolic. Really? Yes, symbolic of the service we get everywhere we go.

One of the problems is that you have to hire adults or children with a great work ethic. Neither of these are available in my area, so they hire kids with whatever psychological disorder that makes people screw up everything you tell them. Occam's Razor (the simplest answer is usually the right one) would identify this as stupidity, not a psych disorder. So old Occam knows these stores aren't paying much and are hiring blithering idiots. 

But wait.... we're not done.

She came home with 2 large sodas. Oh dear, they taste like poop - what are they?

Coke is on strike. WHAT?

Yeah, Coke is on strike.

Why?

Because they have unions. They are the cause of all strikes.

Good point.

So they only had the dregs left - the Coke that nobody drinks: cherry and vanilla.

ACK! I love vanilla, but not in my Coke.

I'm starting to wonder if there's any point in going back to Wendy's - the only fast food I can tolerate.

Or any place that sells things.

I suppose I could saunter in with a gun. I wonder if, seeing this, their accuracy would improve. 

Nah.

It's not like I want to rob the place. I just want what I ordered. I know, I know... ridiculously high expectations that could never be met.

Go ahead and ask the question I didn't..... YES, her order was 100% correct. Only mine was out in space, having been hit with the Stupid Ray<tm>.

As we ate the (alleged) burgers, Wife looked at me and said, "You're composing the blog in your head, aren't you?"  She gets me.

The Earth Represents the Patriarchy

AI can be really scary. We're not really looking forward to its incursion into social media. We have to admit it's a really impressive effort, but the real difficulty has to be programming it to deal with all the rude, nasty, and death threat responses...

AI: Good morning, FB!
Answer1: F' U.
Answer2: Trump fan
Answer3: what kind of post is that? Go F yerself.
Answer4: Good Morning is a CIS white hetero statement, proving you're racist
Answer5: Jump off a bridge, asshole.



Your love is like a small stone in my sock



Somehow it figures that we bought a new GPS and Garmin reportedly paid millions of dollars to resolve their ransomware attack. Had I known that, there would be no GPS. Had I known there was going to be a new GPS, I would have objected anyway. When said GPS appeared, a small knife fight broke out. The counselors say this is a great improvement over the jousting that used to happen. The home repair guys are less happy, because there will be no more horses crashing about the house. The service elephant, though, remains.



Dear lefty

• My therapist says I'm paranoid
• thank her and keep on doing what you're doing

Good for the goog: they're buying a 6.6% stake in ADT. Now their alarm installers can put in a paid listening device without the homeowners having to leave the house. I'm sure that any day, the goog will let us know that they will never eavesdrop on your alarm signals. Nope. Not at all.


Speaking of which, I just saw Tik Tok. The aliens have stopped their breeding experiments with earthlings and are running away as fast as they can.  

Beach SOS saves men stranded on tiny Micronesian island. Micronesian (Little Nesia) men scrawled SOS (SOS) in the beach and were rescued after planes flying above spotted the message. The men, Gilligan And Skipper, commented, "The SOS in the sand thing never worked before."

Ever notice, when we see a rescue craft, we jump up and down, shouting, as if the helicopter or ship will hear us.


After 4 years of trying to hamper Trump, we realize the Democrats have done the country a tremendous favor: they spent all their time trying to screw Trump, so there was less time left for screwing us.


Science Minute

Water beetles can live on after being eaten and excreted by a frog.
An experiment was done with politicians, but they couldn't find anything that would eat them.



The president released an Executive Order indicating telehealth may be the new normal. Rural communities are thrilled with this, but their joy may be cut short when the doctor tells them to examine their own ears.



Flying AIDS news

Hey, those Norwegian cruise ships that started sailing after the Flying AIDS crisis? They were canceled due to breakouts of another Flying AIDS crisis.

In some Chinese caves, one out of every 20 bats is infected with the Flying AIDS.

How do they know?  Is there a People's Bat Tester?

About the Flying AIDS and treatment....
This doctor treated 300 patients.
Post it on social media and it will be removed as fake science.



Are you a fan of Microsoft Teams? Are you forced to use it?
There's a tiny bug that allows the program to keep on communicating when a VPN is disconnected.


Penguin poop has been spotted in satellite images of Antarctica.
It's not that our spy satellites are high resolution, but they also found microscopic parasites and recommended an antibiotic.


A new Canadian guideline says obesity shouldn't be judged by a person's weight.
Obviously, it should be judged by the quality of their nose hair.


A Connecticut man failed the test to become a police officer.
He was not admitted because his IQ was too high. He lost his suit for discrimination. SMARTISM!



Honda is recalling 608,000 vans and SUVs because of faulty software. It's nothing important: just the driver's display.
Well, don't put software in cars. Test it intensively. Getcher damn connectivity on yer laptop, not yer car.

Meanwhile, Tesla's wiper controls through its screen are now illegal in Germany, because someone got distracted and crashed their car. Can you imagine what things would be like if we tried to eliminate the Doofus Factor (further)? We already aren't allowed to cross the street in some places.


Just found out that a comic we performed with had a sex change.

She should magically change sex in the middle of her set.

SJW Sonar

A female veteran was called 'racist' for attending a Blue Lives Matter protest and there is a change.org petition for her removal from the school board.

My buddy's office is filing a federal Equal Opportunity complaint and all work has stopped. Their anti-harassment training said there were only 2 genders.

Kindergarten Cop has been canceled in Portland after complaints it sympathizes with law enforcement.

After vandalizing another Starbucks, one Seattle activist justifies the destruction by claiming buildings are “perpetulating” violence against people.

why America will always be the best

Captivity - Day 84 Wanna See My Tire Iron?

Live Sitcom Time occurred today. This is one of those times when things seem so bizarre, you think you must be on tv.

Mrs lefty is in her office. I'm enjoying the cool air on the couch, stretched out, getting ready to start the snoring.

--> LIGHTS <--

BANG

CRASH

WHOOSH BANG

Ok, I'll play.... I opened a singular eye.  The light is blinding and Mrs lefty is sliding stuff off the table onto the floor and into the trash.  BANG

I'm amazed at the timing. It was minutes after I laid down. I looked around for the tv cameras but couldn't find any. No studio audience either.  CRASH

I couldn't let this go, so in my sweetest tone, I asked if I was sleeping too quietly for her.

NO, I killed 3 [BANG]  4 ants!
Everything has to be thrown out and get the ant bait. I'll spray. Call the neighbors... if we have 4, they probably have hundreds. This is the time of year when they come inside.

I'll call the police too, just to let them know.
It's going to be a long night.



Flying AIDS Fallout

I hate to sound like a reviewer or salesman, but medicine is undergoing a paradigm change as a result of the Flying AIDS. Because of the way telehealth worked out, docs and patients are supposedly really happy with it. This will be an important factor when people are 'allowed' to go to work and the doctor's office. Doc may not be that interested in seeing you in-person. It's causing problems now because most docs and staff aren't in their office, so they can't get to everything or communicate immediately with their staff and coworkers.

Consider that your 'appointment' can be over the phone or video, using your phone or other device. Are you comfortable with either of these? Do you have a space that you can be alone and not be overheard? Do you want Doc to see what's on your walls or your naked spouse running around the room? Does telemedicine sound good to you?



Americans are a bright, creative group, who can weather any storm. To that effect, strip clubs are offering 'coronavirus-free lap dances', drive-thru pole dances, and food delivery.  A lap dance with a mask-wearing stripper, performed 6' away sounds less than optimal, but who am I to judge? It just proves we have great imaginations too.

(Reuters) - Sexual activity among young American men has declined sharply since 2000, with nearly a third reporting no sex with a partner in the prior year, according to a survey study published on Friday that suggests social media and electronic gaming might be filling the void.  Any male who would refuse sex for social media or games should be examined: blood work, intrusive psychotherapy, testosterone levels, penis check, and STD testing to make sure the worms haven't bored into his brain and eaten it slowly. The only thing that would cause this in men over 20 would be marriage.



Social media 'influencers', as a term, ar just silly
With that in mind, I just read that the influencers are wearing blackface, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter.  I remember way back in the dark past (of last week), Jimmy Fallon was on his knees, apologizing for being in blackface over 10 years ago.  There appears to be some uncertainty about whether blackface is ok or not. After we figure this out, we can ignore the social media influencers and force them to get real jobs.



Told You So
The other day I said that you can't have a discussion because you're not allowed to talk about certain things. Stealing my thunder, days later, is NY Mag's Intelligencer, where Andrew Sullivan asks "Is there still room for debate?" He's right. Of course I was right first.



Can you explain to me how one of the largest corporations on earth can put out an email program that won't open to the same size every time? Sometimes it comes up like I set it. Sometimes fullscreen or halfscreen. (rhymes with Mouthbook365)

And that same humongous entity can put out a huge chat program that can't remember your audio/video settings and cannot be made smaller than 1/4 of your entire screen, like its predecessor? (rhymes with Beams)

We know how I feel about Microsoft, but this annoys normal people too.



China media says the US is having a 'cultural revolution'.
Offers to lend Trump a tank for Al Sharpton to stand in front of.



Listen up, Christians
Christianity Today calls for churches to pay reparations to black people: "Repentance is not enough."

A spokesman for Black Lives Matter said that they were recruiting heavily due to multiple upcoming church protests.

Fearing peaceful protest, churches are upgrading their fire detectors.

Captivity - Day 60 Tracking the Wolf-Moose

Derrell Sims ("The Alien Hunter") refers to aliens as Extraterrestrial Skinheads.
Take it however you want, but this is WINNING!

He ingratiated himself to the Japanese by doing a great (foul) impersonation and knowing Japanese, while they were talking about him in front his face.


Remember: friends don't let friends use Faceyspaces


SmileDirectClub Inc sued NBCUniversal for nearly $3 billion for defamatory reports about news their Teleledentistry. Teledentristy. Dental services over phone or video. A negative report on teledentistry. Who woulda thought?  Hey, Mrs Patient - can you pull C12 please? Don't worry - it won't hurt.


The Precision Multiple Stereo Mower Committee was out in full force.  I'm not positive, but I think they added a few mowers to the chorus. It's difficult to get the entire block synchronized, but they have those earpieces that the talking heads wear on the news. It must be something to see from above. At the very end of the show, they get into letters for the chopper, that say F- You (just for the children). It's better than watching band rehearsal at school. Of course the chopper must stay 11,001 feet from the mowers, due to social distancing.


Today we watched a number of public officials giving stats on the Flying AIDS, as if they had a single clue as to what's going on with it. We found out that New Jersey had 274 patients go into the hospital and 273 discharged from the hospital. The official, excited as can be, announced that it's because of the people of New Jersey. The sign language dude saw the stats and walked off the set. Even he knows the figures were bullshit. To their credit, the charts were nice and pretty, which is the job of chart-makers the world over.

What have we learned?
They still know nothing.
There is a business re-opening plan, based upon nothing.
You may not leave your house to go to the businesses, based upon nothing.
We have somehow flattened the curve, whatever that means, based upon nothing, and there have been some damn fine charts!



The crud on weekday tv is of a higher quality than the weekend crud. We have only seen 434 lawyer commercials - it was a needed break. Star Trek is on now. My only complaint is that they're all reruns. It says right in the guide - rerun. Anyway, perhaps there are some things you want to hear or may have heard....

• Hey Spock- why do you have more makeup on than Uhura? Is a woodie logical?
• Scotty - don't you have anything to do? Get off the bridge. And take that alleged accent with you.
• Sulu: we got a message from a Dr. Crusher. She asks that you stop messaging Wesley.
• Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor - not a.. doc... never mind.
• Kirk - get that dead animal off your head. No, you cannot make the nurses' uniforms 3" shorter. You two - beam down and explore the planet. We will bury you in space.

.

Captivity - Day 45 Leave the blasting caps home, jimmy

Dammit, it's weird here.
Moreso.

Since it's a day ending in -Y, the Advanced Coordinated Stereo Lawnmowing Team is out. They have recharged and tuned their instruments, making sure to remove all mufflers. They sounded like one of those SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY commercials, only louder. Their new routine is Synchronized Mowing, whereby they do everything together, from starting, to cutting, to cleaning and hacking up some of the neighbors, and throwing them in the truck. They have a sensor on my phone and in my office, so that when I'm on a call, their mowers go into overdrive. It's fully automatic.

If the mowers somehow run out of gas simultaneously, there's no reason to worry - I live with a percussionist. She had to turn Santana down this year because she wanted to be locally magnificent. She'll somehow break into a percussion solo mid-day or so. This is generally after the mowers stop. The mowers are merely an opening act for the percussion. Percussion also waits until a work call comes in. How do they know? She loves to spontaneously bash some shit, pretending it's my head, then if she can get it loud enough to kill birds.


Hey - yuh know what's going on outside?
Neither do I.

Aside from some memories of a woman arrested on a licking spree. What the hell... didn't we have knife and gun crime? Now we have licking. Next year it'll be a looking spree. Just so you don't feel alone, there have also been blowing nose and a KKK hat sprees. America is a beautiful place, when it's not watching Furries on tv.

Later tonight, Mrs lefty is going to have one of those Telehealth doctor appointments. The substance of the call is a doctor calling you, instead of seeing you in-person. But noooo.... we can't call it that... no sir... we have to give it a special name -Telehealth. The joke, however, is on them, as they get less money for a telehealth visit than a Regular Vitsit, She has the choice of video or audio. This means a video conferencing service or what they refer to as an incredibly complex device with a name that's difficult to pronounce but sounds something like fone. It's like a video conference without the video. The real fun is if you choose phone: while the doctor is talking, you can make faces and blow your nose in his general direction. If you mute the phone, you can even stand there and imitate him. So if you're really bored, and who among us isn't, select the audio only option. NOTE: make sure to use the MUTE function before you start your impressions. Trust me.

Before we sign off, we want to remind you of a word that says it all... a word that will be with us for years.. a word you can use to show your friends how much smarter you are. Yes, it's teledildonics. It is an actual word, for technology to manipulate 'devices' remotely. Use it with pride.