Untitled Blog Posts are a Sign of a Sick Mind

Your love is like   having your brains pulled through your nose

Strongest Sign Yet Australia Heads Toward a Totally Cashless Society? (9news.com.au)

Pay attention.... bad things tend to start in Australia and England.

Mattress maker Tempur Sealy says it isolated tech system to contain cyber burglary

Hackers will be adjusting your mattress from across the world!  

 

Farage Tells Breitbart we are on the Verge of Banks Running ‘Word Checks’ on Customers Social Media

Banks are getting picky about whose money sits in their caverns. Maybe you made a negative post about something on Faceyspaces. Maybe you haven't been correct enough. Not diverse enough. Don't forget - certain banks refused to do business with adult entertainers. Just make sure you're 'good enough' to do business with banks. Or have no social media presence.

Violinist who played during brain surgery reunites with doctor

They had to remove much of her brain. She now plays banjo.  

 

Steering failures are Tesla’s new federal safety worry

It's been, what.. a week since the last Tesla failure? You at least have a choice - steering failure or steering wheel coming off. Some lucky customers will get both!  Steering failures were already mentioned... the car steered into police cars and random items.

I just watched the saddest thing.... the dog looking out the window, seeing her mommy get in the car and go somewhere. She's going on vacation and won't be back for days, which will have the dog staring out the window and pining for her. The vet gave us medicine for this. I feel so bad for her.

I feel bad for me too. Here I am, bachelor for days, and I have no babysitter. Shakira, Emilia Clarke, Linda Fiorentino, or Vanessa Hudgens will all do, but did anyone contact them? NO. I am entitled to a Vice Wife when the main wife goes away. Just like if the president cannot do his job (moreso) and the vice president steps in.

Megan Thee Stallion 'will never be the same' after being shot by Tory Lanez

1. a stallion is a male horse
2. Tory Lane is a pr0n star

ThermionicEmissions does not condone shooting anyone (unless they really deserve it).

Afghanistan: Taliban burn ‘immoral’ musical instruments

That wacky Taliban is at it again. This time they're after musical instruments. What exactly is an immoral musical instrument? Our intrepid researchers, some members of the Taliban itself, researched this:

• any instrument touched by Cardio B
• any drums used in a solo
• Taylor Swift

Cops cuff pregnant woman for carjacking after facial recog gets it wrong, again

The fetus was behind it all.

I hate to say this, but it looks like businesses are coming to their senses: Chief Diversity Officers are heading for the exit doors. Perhaps recent rulings on racism have made them unnecessary. Whatever it is, the world has taken one small step toward sanity.  Except college campuses, which no doubt will be keeping their diversity officers, regardless of the law. UC Berkeley said their 27 CDOs will be repurposed to stand at all the doors and make sure no Jews enter the campus.

• President Biden had a bad day yesterday: he was only able to give away $8 billion dollars.

Another multimillion dollar idea: an AI pen that converts writing into something legible, which will come out of the pen. As pen-sized as possible. The perfect pen for anybody with illegible writing or problems that prevent holding the pen or writing well.

Feel the Johnson

About 200 million Yahoo account credentials were just dumped online. While there is no indication if the theft is fresh, it won't hurt you to change your password. One of my friends got hacked last week.

In fact, it wouldn't hurt you to change any or all of your passwords. Make them secure. If you're not sure what secure is, do a little searching online with your favorite search engine. I use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you.

• I don't wanna say I work with some interesting old folks, but the guys in the next cubicle are discussing the need for sheetrock and the fact that one of them had a half sheet that he just threw out. No, wait, he gave it to his son. Then he proceeded to describe it. It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand this place.

More earth-shattering (stupid) news: our friends over at Apple have changed their handgun emoji to a green water-pistol. Hopefully they will not reproduce. Next up: Apple changes phone shape to round, so you can't 'point' it at anyone.

• I think I'm experiencing Political Burnout. Or General Burnout - I can never tell.

ISIS has threatened the Olympics. In Portuguese. Unfortunately the Google Translate results came out like this: "Your mother is a dumptruck. We fuck goats. We will masturbate in stadiums, to images of pork and pork products."

Just in case they're serious, some of the Olympic sports have been 'adjusted':

* The 100 yard run from explosions

* Throw the javelin at the terrorist

* The itsy bitsy, teenie weenie, yellow polka dot pork bikini pageant for women and men

* The 50 foot dive while keeping your AK47 dry

• The World Health Organization has endorsed a 42 second hand-washing method. Compulsive hand-washers all over the planet rejoice.

Non-political message: Trump called Hillary the devil.

Please put your own punchline in a comment. The winning entry will be included in the next post. There will be no monetary compensation but maybe I can manage a candy bar. Probably not.

• A Dutch man waiting for an online girlfriend to show up, spent 10 days in a Chinese airport. Between the 2 of us, I don't think she's coming, Dude.

I know it's early, but can we have a remake of "Suicide Squad" starring Congress?

• This is Bachelor Week at ThermionicEmissions, as Mrs leftystrat is off tending to two sick parents. Rest easy - Marshall and I are ok, except for figuring out how to hide the hookers and blow Marshall ordered while I was at work. The wife is likely to notice the charge on the credit card.
• The Good Neighbor is concerned, as Marshall has spent less time outside, commanding her to bring him food. Speaking of which, he was so hungry the other day, he ate his own food.
• Marshall also turns up his snout at tap water. We have to put it in a spring water bottle and refrigerate it until cold. My relatives went to Disney and brought him back a water bowl that is very difficult to tip over, as he does when it's empty. At least he has something to occupy his creative side. Meanwhile, I take the water bottle out of the fridge and announce "Special Spaniel Water." He runs to his bowl and drinks the water as I pour it from 3 feet up. After he's done drinking, he paws the water out onto the floor. Nobody knows why.
• Are you getting the picture of life in my house yet?

Donald Trump made few friends the other day, when he kicked a baby out of a Virginia rally. I don't know why people are upset: when I go to a restaurant or on a plane, I always ask for the No Screaming Baby section.

• An Australian woman just became a mother at age 63. Has this possibly gone too far? Who does she think she is - Mick Jagger?

A lawsuit has been filed against the makers of Pokemon Go over players trespassing on private property. Unfortunately, you still can't sue for stupidity.

• A leading Irish Archbishop has said he will stop sending his trainee priests to study in the country’s main Catholic college due to allegations of a “gay culture.”  Still no word on the "pedophile culture".

It has already been established that California is the Land of Fruits and Nuts but the Hollywood Set is particularly affected. The following was heard at the DNC:

"Our president is brilliant" - John Legend
"I Love You, Barack Obama" - Alyssa Milano
"I don't expect to feel as proud of a president in my lifetime as I feel about Obama" - Michael Ian Black

They appear to be living in a different universe.

Get the hell out of here before you get me SHOT