Ants in My Toilet, Skip to Loo Two

Many GPS trackers are shipped with the default password 123456. Many users don't change them.  In fact, many users change their other passwords to 123456.



Hurricane Dorian did untold damage to the Bahamas. It's even worse than anyone thought, with 200+mph winds. Although not a US territory, they asked for aid. Nassau is the staging ground. They need everything and are grateful for the aid. Nancy Pelosi hosted a gathering of Congress to see what they could do. Their solution was to officially blame Trump for the hurricane.

Fortunately, Dorian was downgraded to a Category One hurricane. Gavin Newsome, governor of California, introduced legislation to restore Dorian to Category Five, because he doesn't want Dorian's feelings to be hurt by the downgrade.

Speaking of the CIA, George H.W. Bush's Maine home was demolished by a hurricane in 1991. He had the hurricane shot and buried where no one would find it.

• AUSTRALIA: Around 2,000 people have planned a massive barbecue in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.

A Beijing company has cloned their first cat, Garlic (great name).
They started with dogs, but things turned evil and now they clone cats. This is a metaphor for things to come.




Having had four dogs is an education in cleaning, mostly vacuuming. We have gone through untold amounts of vacuums, with all sorts of failures and excuses. I know in the past that people managed to have dogs without their houses looking like an assembly line to make stuffed animals. The first 3 dogs were black, which did a tremendous job of remaining hidden, unless you were wearing white. Penny is red, which is like golden with a red tinge. After a few trips in the car, it is now full of red hair (including the roof). Within an hour of getting out, people ask passengers if they have a dog. The bigger issue is the rug in the house. This rant will repeat each time I vacuum (yearly). Our cheap little vacuum, which surprised us by outperforming expensive ones, can pick up a Tesla. Unfortunately it can't pick up dog hair, preferring instead to equitably redistribute it across the room, like Socialism for Dog Hair.  It's like a huge red tint on the carpet. For Christmas we're deciding on whether to build a new dog, or somehow graft it to the places where it's missing on my head.



Every now and then I like a phrase or name that rolls off the tongue pleasantly. The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band is not one. This was a band featuring Neil Innes, who went on to write music for Monty Python and appear in their movies and shows.



The malicious former dictator of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, died at age 95 in Singapore. The avowed socialist died in a different country, being attended to by private doctors, in a private hospital.  [Sky News]  Quick - somebody call Bernie!

Speaking of Comrade Bernie, he is under fire for intimating that we should use abortion for population growth, against climate change.

Buoyed by the interest in this position, Bernie released a couple more 'good ideas' he has:

• Nuking China to get rid of those horrible white masks
• Poisoning the water to eliminate North Korea's ridiculous hairdo
• Killing baby seals to protest Japan's whaling industry
• donating a few of his houses to fellow comrades who don't have one

No thank you, I'd rather tell the president he's wrong about something.



Dear lefty

• Things are just starting and I'm already tired of the 2020 elections. Who should I vote for?
• Sirhan Sirhan

Unfortunately, Sirhan was recently stabbed in jail. While recovering, the rest of the unit decided to show their support by giving him a nickname. Say hello to Sirhan 'Sirhan' Sirhan.

Heroes of the Stupid

Jussie Smollett lawyers: Even if actor faked attack, cops didn’t need to investigate it so vigorously.



SJW Sightings


Sacramento bar under fire for new dress code which critics call a modern-day 'WHITES ONLY' sign

When you tell women and girls to learn self-defense, or carry weapons against rapists, you're not reducing rape. You're just saying "let him rape someone more vulnerable."

Stop calling for dystopias. Start working to end patriarchy. Make a world BEYOND RAPE.  [Twitter]

Why is it Always Semprini?

Ticketmaster, that evil entity that lets you think you can purchase overpriced tickets online, emailed to let me know that the Sixers' schedule is in.

I'm holding out for Hitler on Ice, Opera for the Attention Deficited, and Ballet: a brief 10 day course.



In today's IT report, shit got leaked, a credit security company put 1 million records online for anyone, and you have to approve a warning before you use your IoT stove. The stove will stop working if it can't get to the internet and will talk the other appliances into going on strike. So nothing new.

Faceyspaces has long denied shadowbanning.
This makes their new patent for shadowbanning somewhat suspicious.


You should probably wait to buy an oven that you can set to preheat remotely. The June oven has been turning itself on during the night and preheating to 400 for hours, after an update. June promises another update, but says it's a user error, not an oven error.

Need to reset your smart GE light bulb? Find instructions, turn on for 3 seconds, stand on left foot, swear you'll never buy a smart device ever,

• In case you somehow failed to discover it, here's a full list of Monty Python episodes.

Dear lefty

• Everything in the world that's happening has me worried. What do I do?
• Get drunk, mix with pills, drive, and yell at people. You'll feel better and won't remember any of it.

Having a good day today? Let me fix that....
Our good friends at the Army germ lab (Ft. Detrick) have been ordered to shut down research involving dangerous microbes like Ebola by the Centers for Disease Control. Did you ever think you'd see the day when the CDC could shut down the army?

In case you don't remember, Ft. Detrick is where the lab lost, misplaced, or was otherwise found to be short of all sorts of disease samples.  These people can't be trusted to secure a cold virus (which is precisely why they work on ebola).

Better now?



But wait - there's more! Hiding in plain sight!
The Pentagon is testing mass surveillance balloons over the US. It's in the actual non-fake news.



Over in New York's Hudson Valley, people are up in arms because the new tenants of a housing development will be Hasidic Jews. Can you imagine the furor that would erupt if the buyers were black and this was said? I'm surprised the Antisemite Squad hasn't been out. There doesn't seem to be any real reason for the uproar presented.... just a few minor complaints. Maybe the Antisemite Squad is right (this one time - don't cry wolf).

• Over at the airlines, support miniature horses are now allowed to fly. This gives me hope for my Emotional Support Elephant.
• A Fresno, California, man, winning a taco-eating contest, died. He choked on a taco. Usually when people die from tacos, it involves Taco Bell.

Joe Biden's (D-Molestia) people are talking about scaling back his appearances to limit gaffes. I say get him more appearances. This is the Joe Biden we know and love. The Joe Biden we expected. He's finally living down to his potential!


Groundbreaking sperm sorting could let parents choose the sex of the baby.
Can you imagine having that job?
What if they want to have a trans baby?




Let's talk pressure cookers, the Manhattan kind.

Mrs lefty said maybe someone got a good deal at a department store.
She's deadly sometimes.

The bomb squad eventually discovered the cookers were harmless.
Obviously this was a tasteless prank (my favorite kind).

We need to have a common sense talk about pressure cooker control.
Nobody needs 2 pressure cookers. Only the government should have pressure cookers.

The Pressure Cooker Pranker was caught, because of way too many video surveillance systems; both city and transit.  Yes, you're being video'd - but it's for the children.





Hero of the Stupid
A motorist was visited by the police and found to have EIGHT phones with EIGHT games of Pokemon going at the same time. In his defense, the fellow was pulled off to the side of the road - not driving. The policeman made him put his rig in the back seat before continuing. the picture is priceless.

Bill DeBlasio says he can beat Donald Trump because of his height. "The tall candidate almost always wins."





SJW Stuff

Humanoid robots modeled after white celebrities might be racism, according to a study.

NY university promotes paper comparing cow insemination to 'rape', and milking cows to 'sexual abuse'.  Apparently no one told them that calling it rape means they fuck cows.

A student built a 'Cry Closet,' meant to be a safe space for stressed out students.


Katy Perry has been accused of sexual misconduct. "Teenage Dream" costar Josh Kloss said Perry pulled down his pants at a party.  Back in the day, this was called funny, hijinks, and Good Clean Fun. Some would give their firstborn to be pantsed by Katy Perry.

I Have Plenty of Hair - Just Look in the Drain

Life is Python.
Python is Life.

I just caught a really good documentary on Monty Python, covering the lead up to their O2 appearance. One of the points they hammered at (and got hammered on) is their age; constantly referred to as septuagenarian, or 70s, in French. Well, they certainly looked older, but consider that the shows started in the late 60s. They're certainly going to have gray hair and other normal issues related to age. Graham Chapman had the ultimate issue related to age: he's dead (although technically it was related to illness).

They covered what the Pythons had been up to, Eric Idle taking the reins of leadership for the appearance, and rehearsals, which some couldn't make due to prior commitments. Putting on a show of this magnitude required an immense effort, from Eric to dancers to props. There was a scene where Eric was driving through his 'hood in L.A., headed off to a storage unit. There he found a picture of the first time he met George Harrison, some gold records, and finally, the albatross he was after.

The following day I watched a relatively recent Deep Purple concert, noting that our classic rock heroes are getting up there. Jeff Beck and the Zeppelins are all septuagenarians. Contrasted with the Pythons, the rockers are still relatively young, hair dye aside.

What have we learned?
That rock and roll keeps you young and that if you put mayonnaise on corn on the cob, I will lose my previous meal upon your person.

• In a survey, half of Americans don't want self-driving cars. Of course they don't want self-driving cars - they crash. They're not ready for prime time.
• Maybe some Americans aren't as stupid as they look.

Turkish protesters took sledgehammers, handguns, and fire to iPhones.
Why? Do the Turks feel like I do about iDevices?
No, they're protesting Donald Trump's administration.

I call on you, readers of this blog, to follow the brave example of the Turks and take sledgehammers, handguns, and fire to iPhones, to protest President Trump's failure to jail Hillary Clinton. If you're unwilling to destroy your own $1,000 property, maim someone else's. If that fails, join my other protest: we're burning old, broken printers to protest Turkey's protest. We'll show them.

• I'm seeing commercials for a tv show called Born This Way, about people born with Down Syndrome. Could someone please explain the attraction of the show and its high ratings? Disclosure: I haven't watched the show, as the commercials provided nothing of interest for me. There are enough disabilities around me - why watch them on tv?

A 41 year old Iraq vet suffered from PTSD, attempting suicide five times after his 2009 discharge. The medicines he was prescribed left him with side effects and he still felt suicidal. He participated in a clinical trial of MDMA (ecstasy/molly), and within a few doses, he wasn't suicidal.

I'm glad the soldier got some help. Our veterans are sometimes treated like collateral damage. This is because Lockheed Martin doesn't build soldiers. Make no mistake - Iraq, Afghanistan and many other wars are unnecessary, but if these men and women served, they deserve the best we can provide. The president has made VA reform a high priority: I hope he succeeds.

Incidentally, ketamine (vitamin K, animal tranquilizer, party drug) is being used to treat depression. War on drugs my ass. Just wait til the drug companies start to sell these.... all of the sudden they will become Miracle Cures.

• The Powers That Be in dog rescue have indicated they're still looking for a dog for us. If you know of an American or English cocker in the Philly area, please get in touch. We're looking for a young adult who's not insane and has no issues.

My favorite religious skewer is the satanists. It would almost seem that they were put together to defend freedom of religion. Little Rock, Arkansas, has unveiled an eight foot state of Baphomet at the Arkansas state capitol.  How did this happen? The legislators approved a Ten Commandments monument. The satanists insisted on inclusion for the sake of plurality and got what they were asking.

Much as I love the point and the apoplexy it caused, I'm coming out against pluralism, satan or not. #1A is about the State not having anything to do with religion. In this case, 'plurality' is a sneaky end-around, in order to get one group's religious symbol put up. 

What would Attorney lefty, Constitutional non-scholar and not-noted libertarian, recommend? The removal of all religious iconography. Require the virtue-signalling legislators to take a Constitution 101 course. Require they view a presentation on satanism. Then send them back to their overstuffed office chairs and have them practice minimal government. 

The nerve of these Bubbas is astounding.

Naturally, Little Rock's Great Unwashed is marching in lock step, mounting a protest against the satanist statue. Because their religion should get preference over freedom of religion. Also because there are no other problems in the state.

• It's 7am. I'm technically awake, and there's an ungodly noise coming through the windows: it's heavy equipment. Equipment so heavy, it sounds like someone doing construction on a highway. This is the loudest noise to grace our street since the 757 landed in our driveway. The neighbor is already busy cutting grass. She doesn't push the mower - it moves away in fear. She's been at it for over an hour... I think she's going blade by blade.
• Ancient astronaut theorists believe the neighbors are building survival complexes, seven stories deep. Or maybe the neighborhood is a CIA front. Except for my house, of course: we're a front for the city garbage inspectors.

Meanwhile back at the airport

"I'm going to need to see your porn, please," said the customs agent at the airport. 

Excuse me?

"I need to look at the porn on your laptop."

Why would you possibly want to look at my porn? How do you know I have any?

"Sir, I'm specially trained to detect porn and see if it's the kind of porn which violates our laws."

How do you know I have any porn that violates your laws?

"I don't. That's why I have to review all of it. No telling where you might hide it.  Please sit over there. A few colleagues will assist me to make this process faster. I'll be back in a few hours."

• Phew.. it's been a long but productive day: I finally got Word 2016 to open in draft view. I'm beat.

There was a party the other day.

No one was entirely sure why.

You're about to ask yourself what a party has to do with a bathroom door. 

Go ahead.

I needed a new bathroom door. I was incapable of putting it up because I had never done it before and it was fairly complex. The solution, as always, was to call Bob. Bob is my buddy of many years. Bob is to construction as lefty is to computers. Bob stopped by, assessed the situation, and had it hung in short order. Wife was impressed. For about 15 minutes. Bob put the door on backwards. Bob are a perfesshunul.

Months later, I had to install an air conditioner shelf brackety thing. I was terrified of it requiring drills and other tools I knew the names of but did not have. Sure enough, Bob was kind enough to stop by on his day off. He looked at the instructions and shook his head... he wasn't understanding. Since we were both standing there in Man Pose (arms crossed, looking pensive), the Man Code stated I had to look at it. I too shook my head and sent Bob home. We just weren't getting it.

Wife, who called Bob, was less than happy that the professional (and I) failed to have the thing installed. When I protested stupidity, she handed me the device exactly as it was supposed to be attached.  Boy, I really WAS stupid. I didn't have the heart to call Bob. But at least I finished with the Man Code: I told her if she's so smart, SHE could install it.

Bob's wife threw a party.

She has different ways of going about things.

When I say threw a party, I mean something closer to arranged a party. She made sure to delegate absolutely everything but being the hostess. When the day came, everybody had brought something, except Mrs. Bob. After all, it was her party. Then everybody arranged the food over tables, tents, and inside. Mrs Bob stayed inside because it was 90 outside. She certainly looked summery, in her very short skirt, which let most of it all hang out. And when I say it, I mean several great handfuls of cottage cheese and some used telephone poles. 

After we left, I hear Mrs. Bob was already planning her next party. Why? Because everyone else cleaned up for her. 

• I hate rain. I hate clouds. I picked the wrong state in which to live. We've had a pretty bad spell lately. Today we're aware of the sun, but the clouds are doing their best to obscure it, like Michael Moore in front of Gwyneth Paltrow. Yet I feel myself longing for rain. WHAT? Because if it doesn't rain in the next hour, I have to mow.
• Well, I had no choice. We went to a battery-powered mower, which is very light and very quiet. This is the problem: everyone else's mower is loud and bothers the hell out of me. I can't even reciprocate. Maybe I'll contact the manufacturer and find out if there's a VOOM retrofit. They have to put them on electric cars, so people will know they're coming.

This is a Different Post, Just Like All My Other Posts

Over in England, the Ministry for Measuring Things has noted a 90% increase over last year's sales figures for cassettes. Yes, those things you couldn't wait to get rid of after you got a cd player for your car.

Every now and then I come up with an amazing idea and here's one: I am going to put my entire collection of Vintage Original cassettes on the market. They're worth a fortune! I will even include a few Vintage Original blank cassettes. The reason the Vintage Original cassettes are better is twofold: firstly, they have Vintage and Original in their title; secondly, over time, the magnetic particles have aligned with each other for smooth Vintage Original sound that one cannot approximate with New Non-Vintage Non-Original cassettes.

I won't be able to count my money fast enough. Either the tone of this blog is going to change or I'll stop blogging entirely. On the other hand, the guilt of abandoning the six of you would be too great. I will stay.

Just wait til I whip out my 8 tracks and reel to reel tapes!

• I like my neighbor the schizophrenic. He's a genuinely nice guy, who manages to spend most of his time on the planet with the rest of us. After he told me about the lasers shining on our house the other night, that looked like gun sights, he said he's really sorry and he knows we must be missing our little guy. 

It's a bad time to be an administrator or citizen of two municipalities in Alaska. The Alaskan Borough of Matanuska-Susitna (Mat Su) and the City of Valdez have both been hit with some really nasty ransomware. Let's say a few systems are down, like the electronic door key swiping system, nearly all of the workstations, 120/150 servers, email, property querying, library system, landfill weights and fees application, and animal shelter’s computers. The saddest part of this is that they had to dig out their typewriters. I'm sure there were courses available for the kids who had never seen one before. "Most" of the data is safe and credit card data was not stored there. Over 200 organizations have been hit.

The IT Director said:

I will tell you is that this isn’t some kid in his mother’s basement. This is very sophisticated and well-funded.  It would come from somewhere I believe outside the US. When we call it ransomware, that’s not its purpose. I believe its purpose was to disrupt our way of life.

ThermionicEmissions has done some digging in some very dark places and came up with some information: it's the Chinese, messing with the Russians. 

• Seeing a .DOC, .XLS, .PDF, .ZIP, or .7Z "paperclipped" to an email message should always tell you to proceed with extreme caution. These are the most dangerous extensions potentially used by malware authors.
• Remember: Don't

A Security Dood on Twitter has one smart bulb in his house. He found out the company went out of business months ago. The last settings he made are now permanent because the app no longer works. The Internet of Things became The Internet of Things That Don't Work.

• John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, is in Deep Doo Doo because he used the word 'poof' on British radio (poofter: slang for homosexual). Apparently this is a terrible thing to say. In response, Cleese said Graham Chapman was a poof and dead, so he's a double minority. Terry Gilliam, Python and filmmaker, said he identifies as a black lesbian in transition.
• The BBC has dedicated itself to finding comedy of color, so it's not six white guys, like Python. Because non-white comics are genetically funnier than white comics.
• Hopefully we'll all be alive to see this stop.

If you're a Gmail user, you shouldn't be.

Having said that, they offer a new feature called Confidential Mode. It should be called, more accurately, Sometimes Confidential Mode. Let's say that its somewhat confidential from most, except the biggest culprit last time: Google. Google can save and read all your email. Again. Still. Protonmail.com

• Just heard on tv: Don't put your penis in the cooking stove.

Folks... I hope you don't feel like I'm bleeding all over the blog, but I have to try to get this out somehow. Losing a 13 year member of the family you saw every day is traumatic. We're trying everything to get back to (ab)normal, but only time will help. There hasn't been nearly enough of it yet.

Dear Marshall:
I don't know if you read blogs wherever you ended up, but I'm putting this out there to the Universe.  There's a lot of disruption in the wake of your leaving. It's been 4 weeks but feels like forever. We miss stuff... stuff like..

• not being able to go on vacation. We now have the freedom to go anywhere (which we haven't)
• keeping doors open a little
• your food lady misses buying hot dogs for you and jumping when you bark
• tripping over you in the bedroom
• the shrieking to go out, in, or when you didn't get what you wanted
• Quality Time: when I got in bed and you'd come up and lay next to me, demanding attention til one of us got tired. The best time of my day. Mom was jealous. Was the extra cuddling because you knew?
• hell, we miss running to vets and paying the bills - we'd gratefully do it again for you
• the supervision and assistance we got whenever cooking or cleaning the kitchen
• looking at you and scratching your itches

I wanted to tell you how much we miss you but I think you know; you probably miss us too.

They Wax Their Underarms?

According to my trusty indoor thermometer, it's sixty three outside. That's 6.547 British degrees, and in Canada, that's Bikini Weather.

Since my house lags the weather by at least twelve hours, it's pretty cold inside. It's so cold....
HOW COLD IS IT?
It's so cold, the neighbors told me to shut my windows: I'm letting all the cold air outside.

• Hi, my name is Stan. I quit smoking with Chantix. Yes, I killed my wife and children, but I quit smoking!

My toilet's dirty.
Not like that.
It's got dirt on it.
Yes it's cleaned often, thank you.
It's got real dirt on it.
It's not like I went out and rolled in the dirt then came in and drank from the...
Oh.

• There are two kinds of people: a hole has appeared in your plane...

1. you try to figure out how to remain alive
2. you pull out your phone and start taking video

Beyond Death Tip: if your plane is failing to fly, in terms of it rushing at the ground, write out whatever you have to say to whomever and swallow it. It is likely the note will survive and the autopsy will reveal it. You know... if there's enough of you found to autopsy.

• ok, try this one: a fight breaks out in a tiny fast food joint...

1. you duck the punches and flee
2. you pull out your phone and start taking video

• a man is on the bridge you're crossing, looking like he's going to jump...

1. you call the police
2. you pull out your phone and start taking video
3. you drive by and helpfully yell, "JUMP!"

Penn State University has banned its near-century-old outdoor recreation club from going outside because it is too dangerous out in the wilderness. I have a theory (don't I always?): when Stupid gathers, it eventually hits critical mass and explodes spectacularly. So stay away from colleges and universities.

• There is something going on with Ed Begley, Jr. We all know him as an actor and environmental champion. As one watches Really Bad TV, going back farther and farther, into black and white, one sees Ed Begley, Jr. a lot. Ed doesn't seem to age much. He's got that speech thing going. How can a 'young' Ed Begley, Jr., appear in Dragnet, then on a documentary about solar powering his house, looking just slightly older.
• Is Ed Begley, Jr. Satan? 
• Don't tell me I'm the only one who noticed this...

I think it's time we put aside this opioid nonsense and do something useful: cure my wife, who is buy-polar.

• I discovered yesterday, to my shock, that women's pants pockets are largely ornamental. If I didn't know this, what else don't I know?

I'm usually the last one to post this crap. Please don't think less of me.

• The other day, the man for whom the sun shines, Bono Kanye West, said he loves Donald Trump. The 'music' industry went into Immediate Meltdown Mode<tm>, proclaiming #KanyeIsDone.  Here's the report from Hollywood Hospital:
• JayZ and Beyonce have their own rooms while their wings are being built, pictures of the Obamas decorating their walls
• Rob Reiner never moved out of his suites
• Barbara Streisand broke a leg in the mad rush to move to Canada
• the Hollywood Hazmat Team was called out to an awards show, when 90% of attendees simply got a (different) blank look and fell over. As a precaution, all awards shows have been put on indefinite hold
• you could see Whoopee Goldberg momentarily turn into a reptilian
• Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lawrence held hands and fainted, blaming the NRA
• 50 cent devalued to 25 cent
• President Trump hailed the statement, referring to Kanye as 'my very good rap friend'.
• Kim Kardashian asked, "Who's Trump?"
• Sometimes it's fun to sit back and watch the world burn.

It's not a particularly good time to be funny and living in Britain.

A fella by the handle of Count Dankula received an 800lb fine for posting video of his pug making a nazi salute.

A teen from Liverpool was was found guilty of "sending an offensive message" after she posted rap lyrics by Snap Dogg on her Instagram page, as a tribute to a 13 year old boy who died in a traffic accident. BOOM: eight weeks community service and a 500lb fine. Never mind that the lyrics were incomprehensible, it's the principle. I would reproduce them here if there were any chance that this blog is read in England.

Any claim to freedom of speech in England is dead. Now would be a pretty good time to nip this issue before it gets worse. And it will get worse.

In the US, we're free to have our pugs perform nazi salutes while rapping about the best way to offend minorities. People would laugh at us, for other reasons, but we could do it.  I'm kidding: the SJWs would have a fit until we changed the lyrics to 'offending crackers'. We don't have censorship by law - we have censorship by SJW.  We have met the enemy and it is US.

• Work just sent me a voluntary survey to fill out. Now.

There is a Pupperoni on my bed.
The dog is sleeping late today, after keeping the wife up all night, teaching her new tricks.
I hope these two things are related.

• While out, I heard a remake of The Bay City Rollers' "Saturday Night." It was every bit as stupid as the original, but lacking in originality. I haven't been so thrilled about a remake since "Endless Love."

I mentioned that I'm a voluntary agoraphobe: I don't leave my house, not because I can't, but because Stupid People and Stupid Stuff happens when I do. There were errands to be run. I was elected to run them. When I say elected, I mean the wife told me to pick up some things. This is a mixed blessing, as when I do this, it costs considerably less than when she does this. Unfortunately, she's the expert.

Being an occasionally nice guy, I picked her up something for lunch. No, not some sushi from the convenience store... a sandwich from the convenience store.  Yes, I've run million dollar networks, but I hate those automated ordering screens. They're evil and you have to guess which category your food is hidden behind. Well, let's see... paninis are definitely not behind frozen drinks. Or are they? Since the wife is the expert, it didn't seem strange that I couldn't find my choice. This caused me to do what everybody hates most: ask a question of the friendly staff.  I've seen people pull their own hair out and leave the store, rather than ask an employee. The employee helpfully let me know what I wanted just went off the menu and won't be carried anymore.

I snickered an evil snicker. The poor fellow had no idea what was going on and openly wished he were somewhere else. Anywhere but near me. I get that a lot.

You're not paranoid if they really are out to get you.
And they are. Or he is. You can't see him and neither can I. Or at least I don't recognize him. He's the guy who follows us around, noting what we buy. When we leave the store, he gives the list to the manager, who immediately stops carrying whatever we bought. The thing that sounds crazy (really? only one thing?) is that it's not just one store... it's all of them.

Having located the substitution for the item they stopped carrying just for me, I noticed it had several items I did not want, to the extent that I sometimes launch them when at pricey restaurants. The evil display will allow me to customize the sandwich, but we have a fundamental difference in the definition of customize. To most of civilized society (and my neighborhood), customize means add or subtract things. To this store, customize means change the kind of cheese on the sandwich. I don't like cheese. But there's no way to remove it. I really don't like tomatoes. Not an option to remove it. Perhaps I'd be better off with a frozen drink.

I stood in line to pay, right in back of the lady who has a card with a chip in it. She pulled out prematurely, voiding the transaction. Then she hit CREDIT instead of DEBIT.  If this lady has a driver's license, she's about the make the convenience store a drive-thru.

Manning the register is a very cheerful lady. Very cheerful. The kind of cheerful that makes you want to harpoon her. The problem here is that I live in a No Harpoon State, which kinda torpedoes that. Hey.. torpedoes!  The cashier is singing, chatting, and jumping up and down, like some sort of crack addict with an actual job. Or a meth head... I always get those two mixed up. To make things more entertaining, she's blessing people, like Pope Crack. She told one lady to enjoy the beautiful weather God has provided for us. I have no problem with any of this, with the exception of the VOLUME. I just want to know, when the storm starts later today, if she's still going to be thanking God for the beautiful weather. Or blaming him, perhaps.

Have a blessed day, readers.

• Ren was Marshall's cat. He was incredibly long and lean, weighing 19lbs. He drove us up a tree, almost blowing up the house by jumping on the stove and turning the gas on. Eventually he stopped trying to kill us. His heart gave out one day, about two years ago. Every now and then I think about him. I miss the little bastard.

It turns out Elvis was a huge fan of Monty Python's Holy Grail. He would sit there and watch it with his posse, constantly quoting the movie outside. While playing ball, he broke a finger. He said it was just a flesh wound.  I'd pay for footage of this.

• I feel bad that I haven't brought you any good news in IT (no I don't), so here you are: hackers need just about a minute to turn your hotel room key card into a master key for common hotel door locks. So before you go to your room, check your laptop and sex doll at the counter.

Google did a redesign on Gmail that will enhance privacy (from everyone but Google). Here are details. There are some decent improvements, but not all are available right now.






Depression has been described in any number of ways. One particularly good one is an elephant sitting on your chest. Walking though molasses.

The slightest movement is very difficult. It can physically hurt. You burst out crying for little or no apparent reason. There is no joy in anything, including the things you love most. You might sit there at work, staring, unable to work. Or doing your work is too much. You sigh because there's nothing on tv and you had to wade through mud to change the channel. Getting out of bed becomes insurmountable. When you do get out, you desperately want to go back. You don't feel like eating.

Does any of this sound familiar?
Ask your doctor about it.
See someone.*
Talk to someone you know with depression.
Maybe you're more comfortable with a priest or minister or pastor.
You don't HAVE TO feel like this. It's not normal. It's validating and liberating to hear it. You can be helped. Wouldn't it be nice to get to just miserable?

And if you want to hurt yourself or others (more than normal), get to the hospital now. They will keep you safe.



* often the first visit is free. Your insurance should cover it. Cash fees can be negotiated. There may be city or county resources, plus crisis phone lines.

Flibberjibbit

Are you checking your store of explosives and coming up short? Need to refresh the stock?  Oil company Allied-Horizontal Wireline Services kinda screwed up the setup on one of their storage devices, exposing locations where it keeps its explosives.

• If you have just the right model Epson printer, you probably can't print at this moment. Epson shipped some new firmware (instructions that reside in the device permanently) and it requires an internet connection to Google. Oddly enough, if you turn off internet, it works. They are working on the problem. I'm sure they have their Best People on it. Different people than the ones who didn't test the firmware before it got sent out.

I have some equipment that sends me an alert when something happens that it doesn't like. So I go to the equipment to see what it's telling me and it refuses to tell me anything. There is no entry for the item that the equipment alerted me of. The equipment makes me wait 20-30 minutes before it will tell me what it didn't like. I have concluded that the machine is female.

• Do you have an I-Que Intelligent Robot or My Friend Cayla doll? It sends your child's personal information to the manufacturer and a company that contracts with military and intelligence agencies. Privacy groups have filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission. Unfortunately, the FTC shares all its information with with non-intelligence agencies. All information is stored on the contractor's services and possibly Google's.  It's probably a good idea not to give these dolls to your kids or leave them on the table when the FBI calls to goad you into performing some terrorist act or other so they can 'catch' you at it.

A perennial favorite of mine and candidate for vice-wife, Sofia Vergara, is being sued by her frozen embryos, Emma and Isabella. Ex-fiancee Nick Leob has already sued in California because they are being deprived of their inheritance (already in a trust fund) by not being born. But wait - it gets better (I am waaaay too amused by this): the new suit was filed in Louisiana, which offers special protections to frozen embryos (really? California only offers special protections to easily-triggered snowflakes). The legal paperwork stated that both parties had to agree not to use the embryos without the other's consent. The paperwork, however, did not stipulate what to do if the partners split.  Hey - leggo my embryo! This shit is hysterical and could not simply be made up by uber-amused  bloggers or headline-happy gossip rags.  

"Hey Honey - let's make some embryos, name them, freeze them, provide for them, then file suit over them. Let's think about the legal ramifications for a moment, shall we? Since the embryos have legal standing and are being deprived of inheritance, we can say that they are also being abused horribly by being frozen, thus the parents are dually liable (don't you love playing lawyer?). Where it gets murky is not having language in the contract for the marriage dissolving. Let's throw the case out without bias (meaning it can be brought again with proper information) or perhaps without prejudice or llamas. Or have the legal system remind these overprivileged whiners to just have the damn child or children just like the rest of the world does: by swapping underwear and squatting in the fields. Why DID they freeze embryos? Because Sofia didn't want to ruin her figure. I volunteered to ruin her figure a long time ago but her legal representatives contacted me and mentioned that it would not be a good idea to come within 500 feet of her or communicate with her ever again.

Or we could just take the lefty Approach and encourage them not to reproduce. Do we really want another generation of these people on the planet? I expected this from Mariah Carey - in fact, I don't think we're done with her for a good long time.

• Somewhere the butts of the fellows from Monty Python are twitching horribly. A man from England opened up a British Shop, featuring all British goods. Complaints were swift, accusing him of going against the 'international nature' of England. Threatened were boycotts and protests. The complaints are not coming from foreigners, who love the shop. They are coming from neighbors. One stated that calling the shop Really British somehow implied that the other stores weren't. The shop's owner referred to the fracas as being like banning pizzas in Italy. While these people will eventually eat themselves, it is not happening quickly enough.
• Speaking of Limeys, the producers of a nature show called Planet Earth II are defending themselves against criticism that the scenes are too brutal. And we thought politics was ugly...
• Not to be outdone by the sheer stupidity of American universities, 32 British schools have banned tabloid newspapers. Read it again... banned.. newspapers. In every disaster area, there is at least one pocket of resistance, this being a school which just voted to ban orange juice with 'bits' in it because it's "hateful" and students cannot be trusted to consume it. Also banned: Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" and Mexican hats.

During Career Day at school, they probably neglected to include the noble profession of Bluetooth antenna design for adult toys. Apparently this is not only a job, but a very difficult one. Where the hell do you put the antenna? Another job they overlooked is the testing lab for adult toys.

• No matter what I really love, and there are two or three things in this category,  I will never be a fanboy of it. Fanboy reeks of a cape and/or high heels, neither of which I pull off well.

Trumpie is coming under scrutiny again (really?), this time over his insistence on using his android phone, instead of a specially-built Blackberry, like Obama was forced to use. Making Android Great Again. But seriously, Donald, you have to be as secure as possible - take my word for it. I'm surprised that the team hasn't reached out to me for the CIO position. Can you imagine?

• Keira Knightly (UK) revealed that her daughter said "F..." when Trump won the election. This is yet another reason I don't have children, yet this time it's pure stupidity on the part of the parent. How many of us are politically aware at 19 months? She didn't just invent that word - she had to hear it somewhere.  From the stories my parents told me, there was not a single one involving my expletives when (Margaret Thatcher?) won in the UK.

Greg Lake, 69, of Emerson Lake & Palmer and King Crimson, has passed from cancer. 2016 has not been kind to us.

• Sir Michael (Mick) Jagger has become a father for the eighth time. We all strive to be like Mick, only with the potential, not the realization.

Heart disease and dementia deaths contribute to the first drop in US life expectancy for 20 years. Somehow this will be Trump's fault.

• The US Surgeon General has stated that e-cigarettes are a public threat to young people. Not to old people? One in six high school students stated they used an e-cig in the past month. Is that not an important statistic? I was all for punishing the tobacco companies for lying but it's no longer a secret that tobacco is bad for you. Why do children pick this up?

Explosive Farts

What - you think I'm kidding?
A patient was burned during surgery when the laser being used ignited a fart. Who says Silent But Deadly isn't deadly? They did her a real cervix.

• I'm not entirely sure of the country, but on the first of every month, there's a man who dresses as a white rabbit and waves at people by the river in Barnes. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Mexico is now celebrating Day of the Dead. We call that Kardashian Viewer Night.

• To support those with cancer, someone has decided November is No Shave month. The Social Justice Warriors want everyone to know that raising cancer awareness is oppressive because not all people who have prostates are men. Apparently anatomy is no longer a concern. I'd just like to say I'm the proud owner of a prostate and I'm a man.
• I'd also like to insert, as it were, some professional medical advice. Ejaculation is very healthy for the prostate, so get yourself going or have someone else do it. If you think I'm messing with you, do the research or ask your urologist (because we all have urologists).

Speaking of Social Justice, a conservative group on the campus of University of Redlands (no, I don't know where that is either) has been banned from holding a Funeral for Halloween due to an administrator's concerns that such a display would cause "emotional and psychological harm" to the campus community.  One concern was that the event was not clearly labeled as satire. Within a few years, this culture will eat itself. Colleges are already finding enrollment down.

• In England, hundreds of operations were canceled after malware hacked the hospital system. That was the headline, but the malware had to get there somehow. Much like the Internet of Things (IoT), medical devices are shit on security. Whether it's ransomware or a hack, these are among the last devices you want hacked. They had to shut the whole system down to find the malware but they remained open for other services. Lock em down, folks. This follows the crap we put in our houses.

Speaking of England, Admiral, a car insurance company, is going to price first-time insurance based upon Faceyspaces posts. Apparently they've developed an algorithm that will tell them what kind of a risk you are by your social media posts. It would be a blessing in the US, as none of us here uses Faceyspaces, so it would be free (well, the article doesn't exactly say that). Pictures of you drinking or drunk off your butt will not be scanned, so you're in luck there. One of the things they're looking for is detail, like saying 7pm instead of "tonight". This means that you'll get penalized if you care about privacy and post when you're not going to be home and specifically what time you're not going to be home. This program is voluntary.

Let's also consider the US programs that plug a sensor into your car to check your driving style/statistics. Add this to the black box and the car's cell modem tracking and you have a hell of a lot of information leaking out of you and your car. After that, it will be sold to advertisers, to better target the kinds of ads you receive. Sweet, eh?

• Did you know you can log into a certain satellite and watch for illegal fishing vessels? One vessel just got busted this way. It's very nice to stop illegal fishing and makes you feel good. Right up until you realize that a ton of these satellites are looking at YOU. Sit with that for a moment.

Pardon me for being late, but the one browser that doesn't hate Blogspot started hating it. Unfortunately for you, I found a different one.

• Bad news for white women: they have to stop wearing name tag bracelets. It's an issue of 'cultural appropriation'. Last week, Vanessa Hudgens (sigh) got in Deep Doo-Doo because she culturally appropriated the braids in her hair. I'm against it too, but only because she looks so much better without them.

I know Halloween is behind us (thankfully) but the Philly area made the list of Top Haunted Attractions. Places like City Hall, the building the State Police just raided for suspected election fraud, and the Parking Authority. All pretty frightening indeed.

• Ever wonder how Terry Gilliam (Monty Python) made those wild animations?  What - you didn't? Well, here's how anyway...

There is an awful lot of suspicion about skullduggery in the upcoming election. Here to save the day is Russia, which has offered to provide election monitors. This is the best and worst thing I've read all season.

Let's Play the Loot

Black Lives Matter is protesting a black policewoman shooting a black man by looting a CVS, Walmart, and local businesses. They certainly showed those businesses, which will never shoot a black man again. Also featured in the protest was assault on a member of the press and a shooting. Is this what they call a mixed message?

• It's now Fall. I'm so happy I could just slit my wrists. Well, not exactly my wrists, but somebody's wrists. The good news is that it's going to be 84 today.

As you've probably heard, Yahoo was hacked to the tune of 500 million accounts. If you have a Yahoo account, get over there NOW and change your password. Not that anyone reading this blog would use a password for more than one site, but if you did, it's time to change that password to a unique one for each site. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

The suspicion is that Yahoo was hacked by 'state-sponsored' hackers. In english, this probably means Russia, because the NSA is already in there.

• The good news is that our government is taking notice of voting machine security. One of the critters wants to make voting machines 'critical infrastructure,' meaning that they would be Serious Shit and protected by the Department of Homeland Security. That is Bad News. If DHS 'protected' our voting machines, people would be carrying complete hacking kits into the booth, along with weapons, liquids over 3 ounces, and porn.

Sad news... Terry Jones, of Monty Python, has been diagnosed with dementia. He can no longer perform or give interviews due to speech difficulties.

• 'We', meaning Me, are testing a new feature, called Followers. You can find it on the top right of the page, with a lovely blue button. Please push the button to see what happens (because I sure as hell don't know)

Security researcher Brian Krebs' site has been the target of the largest DOS (Denial of Service) attack ever; twice the size of the most recent largest attack. Brian writes about hacking and hacker groups and tends to raise the ire of said groups, sometimes resulting in SWAT teams sent to his house or packages of drugs delivered to him.  The attack was so bad that his attack-protection service (Akamai) had to drop him. Good Guy Google stepped in to help, with its service designed to protect free speech. Both services were offered free to Mr. Krebs. 

How do these attacks happen? Very poorly protected devices (internet-connected cameras, baby monitors, thermostats, refrigerators) are hacked and grouped into huge attack robots, pointed at one address, like Mr. Krebs'. So much traffic is generated that few, if any, can get through to the site. This is one reason the Internet of Things is going to be a problem. Remember: the first big IoT device, the Nest thermostat, was hacked almost immediately. THINK before you put anything on the internet.

• Archaeology students at a leading London university have been given permission to walk out of classes if they find dealing with some topics too traumatic. Can you imagine walking out of one of your college classes because you were triggered?  We are raising a generation of Snowflakes, unable and unwilling to deal with any sort of conflict or even unpleasant opinions/facts belonging to others. This is starting to become pervasive, leading me to wonder from where it's coming.

Holy Smoking Phone, Batman: a Samsung Galaxy Note 2 caught fire in an overhead airplane bin, terrorizing a flight to India.  This is technically referred to as a 'lithium battery suffering a thermal runaway'. Or 'it flipping blew up'. Here's the story, complete with juicy pictures.

• Forbes magazine came out with a list of the best cities to live in the US. Number 41 is Levittown, PA., the only PA city to make the list. Levittown is a mirror of Levittown, NY, which was a planned community by William Levitt.  I can allow for change but I spent a bit of time in Levittown when I was younger, via playing in their clubs and a girlfriend or two.  While there are many cities in PA that should win an award, Levittown is not one. The phrase Blue Collar Hell comes immediately to mind (as distinguished from Blue Collar).

Apparently there is NO pumpkin in a can of 100% Pumpkin. The USDA is a wonderful thing.

• Tonight is the first debate. I can tell you two things I won't be watching: the debate and football. Still not sure what I am doing. You?

Teaching Ravens to Fly Under Water

Continuing the ThermionicEmissions hatred and coverage of selfies, we have an 18 yeard old Florida woman who police said took selfies as she was having sex with her pitbull. Not known was whether the pictures were posted to Faceyspaces or Instagram.

• While we're continuing, here are the top ten passwords from the Ashley Madison hack: 123456, 12345, password, DEFAULT, 123456789, qwerty, 12345678, abc 123, pussy and 1234567. ThermionicEmissions readers know better than to use these kinds of passwords.

Husband bites estranged wife's nose off and eats it after she fails to return his calls. "When I said 'eat me,' what I meant was...."

• Countdown to Popemageddon continues: US sex victims say Church remains obstacle to justice. 
• A pastor committed suicide six days after his name came up in the Ashley Madison hack. 
• Men of God, all of them.

As it turns out, reports of Monty Python Terry Gilliam's death are premature. He has not joined the choir invisible, he is not pushing up daisies, he was not nailed to the perch and no one will have to come home from holiday to a dead Gilliam. For his part, Gilliam apologized for being dead.

• Dereliction of Parenting Department: Irish Dad sues Facebook after eleven year old daughter sent provocative pictures of herself to men and had chats. Ummm... Dad... if your eleven year old daughter behaves like this, Facebook might not be her only issue, eh?

California legislators approve bill allowing doctors to give patients suicide pills. They should give this over to the Pentagon's 'secure' virus labs. Perhaps they'll send them to DC by mistake.

• Both Chrissy Hynde (Pretenders) and Grace Jones have had their say about today's female stars: “They dress up as though they are challenging the status quo, but by now, wearing those clothes, pulling those faces, revealing those tattoos and breasts, singing to those fractured, spastic, melting beats – that is the status quo."  If you told me I'd be quoting Grace and Chrissy, I'd tell you that you were driving the short bus, short a few wheels.

Pentagon computers hacked again - this time it's the Food Court!  Never mind the Office of Personnel Management - this is WAR.

• When they came to tax my salary, I was silent. When they came to tax my drinks, I was silent. When they came to tax my internet, I was silent. Now who is going to speak up for me, now that they have come to tax my porn?  Yes, Alabama, rather than fixing their problems, has levied a massive porn tax.

America gets a D in science: 22% confuse astronomy with astrology. We are a nation of morons. Now ask yourself who this benefits....

• Tired of the endless iDevice hype? This puts it in perspective.

Forty-two percent of registered voters think Hillary Clinton is the presidential candidate most qualified to protect the United States from cyberattacks. Occasionally there is a headline so stupefying that I have no choice but to reproduce it. We not only fail to remember last we - we actively ignore it.  What was I saying about a nation of morons?

• A few weeks back, at work, I was in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room. Also in the men's room was another fellow, doing what one does in the men's room. He starts singing, which I found weird, as well as being outside of the Accepted Rules of Rest Room Etiquette (ARRREQ). "Oh Sara... Oh Sara... Oh Sara..." he went on. After a few of these, it began to seem that this guy had a problem, ostensibly named Sara. He sounded hurt. I felt sorry for the guy - we've all experienced this. Not so sorry that it wouldn't make it to the blog, of course. Unless I completely forgot.
• Today I was back in the men's room, doing what one does in the men's room, when I heard some dude talking to the loo. No, not talking - singing. "Oh Sara...oh Sara...oh Sara..." he continued, with the familiar tone of sadness.  Along with his singing, I hope he wasn't also practicing his dancing.

Japan's crippled Fukushima nuclear plant Monday began releasing previously contaminated water into the sea. Previously contaminated? Is this some sort of code? New math? Triplespeak? Rest assured that whatever comes out of TEPCO (Japan's nuclear authority) has been marginalized and homogenized to within an inch of its life, much like American politicians. From the initial incident, TEPCO has sought to minimize any impact. Yet here they are, inventing the state 'previously contaminated'. Do you suppose all of the nuclear waste we bury in Yuma, AZ, is previously contaminated? Would you mind it being dumped in the ocean?

• Obamacare enrollees must double to make budget projections work. Ain't socialized medicine grand? I'd love to give you an 'I told you so,' but I'm paying for this just like you.
  

Two Muslim fundamentalist preachers were discussing the question of “whether wives should be beaten or not” when two topless activists jumped onstage. Ummm... if it's feminist to not believe women should be beaten, call me feminist. In yet another case of extreme journalistic bad taste and incompetence, the Telegraph put black bars over the women's breasts. All of the news, guys... censorship will not be tolerated.

TECH

• Malibu Phone Home: Chevy reports to parents on teens' driving habits.  If this car can report on your teen...
• Oops - GM performed a stealth update because of a long-term vulnerability (2010-2014) to OnStar. The only way to truly fix this issue is to completely disable the hardware (it's easy).
• Remember this blog reporting on California optical internet cables being cut about eleven times? Systems of the US Department of Energy were breached more than 150 times between October 2010 and October 2014. I believe this need some serious study. What would happen if either went down? Shades of the east coast US power blackout, allegedly caused by a squirrel. I hope to be mistaken here.

As if Windows 10 isn't enough of a pervasive, spying data sinkhole, Windows is now downloading it to your computer, even if you didn't ask for it. Just in case, you know.

Make with the Music

Superstar is frequently used but not frequently earned. In this case, I'm sure you'll agree that Queen neatly embodies the term. From their humble beginnings to stardom beyond expectations, this incredible band of audio and video experts truly entertained.

Queen could not have been without the outrageous frontman and composer, Freddie Mercury. Born Farouk Balsara, he could certainly command attention. Less publicized is his ability to musically direct the band in the studio. He sometimes came in with complete musical scenarios, which the band ably saw to completion. Freddie's personal life is fairly well known and a biography turned up a great line: Freddie's parties were truly something to behold, but I can't say more without the advise of my attorney.

Brian May, the guitarist who built his own guitar, is responsible for large amounts of Queen's sound, with his wall of amplifiers and multitracked, delayed harmony guitars. Yet somehow he manages to carry the excess off live. Brian is also a doctor of astrophysics, perhaps the doctor with the tallest hair of the title. `39 is a more acoustic song that Brian sings. It deals with the very interesting, and sometimes sad, topic of time travel and time relativity. The chorus harmonies are right out of the Queen playbook.

The spirit of show business shines through on The Show Must Go On. And it must*.

Successes are complex beasts but often have a great sense of humor, not to mention boundless creativity. I Want to Break Free is a good example. I can't say I'm crazy about the song, but the video is absolutely hysterical. I understand it was popular in Britain but didn't translate well Across the Pond. This does not strike me as requiring any translation at all.

One of my favorite Queen tunes, from the Sheer Heart Attack album, is Brighton Rock. Unless you're a rabid fan, you might not know it. As if you didn't know why I like it, the reason might start around 1:50 in. It's a solo symphony.

Freddie and the band will live forever in our ears.

After Freddie's death, Queen toured with the great Paul Rogers singing (an unfortunate mismatch), then Adam Lambert. One day, after viewing Adam, Freddie's ghost was heard to say, "Unh-uh. No way. Too gay."

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen cocker?

* RELEVANT ANECDOTE: Back in my musical comedy performing days, I had a weekend show in Bumfukt, PA. Hungry, we set out for some local food pre-show. A pizza place was down the street so off we went. I ordered a meatball sandwich because it's harder to screw up, plus gray meatballs were a favorite target of mine.

After the show we went home, as we were wont to do after shows. The next morning, I begged my girlfriend for help in stopping the bed from spinning rapidly, in the opposite direction that the room was spinning. Things got no better from there, at which point we made the difficult diagnosis of gray meatball-induced food poisoning.

As the spinning was getting faster, we called our agent, requesting he put in another act. Ever accommodating, the agent told us there was no other act.  As a result, I had to stand onstage, buffered on each side by a group member. While there was great internal debate about the hilarity of projectile vomiting, I decided against it. Afterwards they packed me in with the gear and took me home. Eventually the room stopped its rapid rotation.

The Show Must Go On.

My Mother Ate Paste

Two American journalists have created a Twitter bot that "corrects" people who tweet the term "illegal immigrant", and offers alternatives.  While this (alleged) blog does not condone the use of social media, this story certainly raises an eyebrow (or three).  In other news, Twitter has a newer bot that suggests not using the word thief - recommending instead new possesor of your goods.  

• Hillary supporters will support New World Order and repeal the Bill of Rights. Once again, the Great Unwashed are caught on tape supporting Hillary and whatever her cause.“I think it is, I think we need change like they’ve been promising us for so many years, I think it’s time to get behind Hillary Clinton and support her.”

Huntington Park, LA, has appointed two illegal immigrants as city commissioners.  In other news, the democrats have entered an illegal immigrant into the 2016 presidential race. The top of Trump's head has actually come off, which turns out to be a serious improvement. UPDATE: The natives are pissed.

• Sex with robots will be the norm in fifty years, expert claims. And why not? 
• They don't get headaches
• Are up for anything
• Can untie themselves in case you forget
• You only pay once
• Computer nerds can finally have sex. 
• The only question remaining is will there be midgets?

Shooting breaks out at Drake after party. What the news didn't tell you is that there was also a riot at a One Direction concert. A folding chair was damaged.

• Arizona man beheaded wife to 'get the evil out'. In yet another example of irresponsible reporting, they failed to mention if it worked or not.

THEY ARE RELATED: Jenny McCarthy and Melissa McCarthy.  Insert joke here.

• I just read this article twice and my head still hurts. No matter how hard I try, I cannot help but think of Monty Python. Suffice it to say that in Italy, a marinara pizza can NOT have cheese, while a margherita can have garlic. Sorta.

It turns out my wife used to work in customer service. The first time we had sex, she kept asking if she could help me find anything.

• Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have decided that when it comes to sex, too much can make you unhappy: it's quality over quantity.  The study was inherently flawed - what's wrong with quality AND quantity?  'Too much sex' can make your friends unhappy, when you start bragging. Or gross out your nieces and nephews with the image of Old Folks having sex. ADDENDUM: Couples not having sex due to worry over being let down. 50 Shades too intimidating? This is not the America I know.

Bush says Trump a buffoon, a clown and an asshole. Murphy says never to argue with an asshole - people may not be able to tell the difference. Very professional, Jebbie.

• Hatchet wielding crazy at premiere of Mad Max. Oh great, now we're going to have to ban hatchets.

ISIS executes 19 females for refusing sex. You can do that?

• Kevin Bacon complaining about lack of male nudity in Hollywood. Hey Kev... anything you want to share with us?

North Korea has pushed their clocks back thirty minutes, creating a new time zone. North Korea has also created a new season (Stummer) and nullified gravity.

• I hate to resort to old political attacks but I can't resist this classic: Have you heard about the Hillary Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket? Two small breasts, two left wings and two fatty thighs.

You know how people are always finding objects or things that look like them on the Moon and Mars? Here's one for you: the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been spotted on Mars! Have you been touched by His noodly goodness?



Who's Next?

A while back there was a band called Georgia Satellites, which had a hit with Keep Your Hands to Yourself. After its dissolution, their singer, Dan Baird, started recording solo albums. Dan's a bit of a rare treasure, writing great songs with an interesting mixture of cynicism, humor and irony (he's a real smartass). Most tend to keep a formula of down-home rock but you need to listen to the lyrics to gain an appreciation of his talent.

The biggest hit for Dan was I Love You Period, a very well-put-together tune that's not at all about punctuation. Another interesting song deals with no longer being the Big Man on Campus, called Younger Face. Give a listen to Knocked Up, a little song that deals with the obvious, plus the added complication of Daddy being a preacher. Lastly but not leastly, give a listen to Cumberland River. This song is about serious alcoholism and the broken dreams of stardom. Sounds sad but it's very cleverly told. I have never seen Dan but I get the impression he's a really hard worker and the show would be great.

If you like ThermionicEmissions, please tell some friends. If you don't like ThermionicEmissions, stop reading it.

Great Python News!

The boys will be reuniting for a show!

No word on how (or if) Graham Chapman will appear.  Probably tastelessly.


Thanks - we needed this.

Happy Belated Birthday

to Graham Chapman, of Monty Python fame, who would have been seventy-two yesterday.


Urinus Interruptus

So I'm minding my own business, in the bathroom, when the door opens.  Of course the door opens - it's the cat, mortified by my human desire to eliminate alone and with the door closed.  I suspect this need of ours for solitude somehow offends felines, who are smart enough to figure out bi-fold doors.  We thought we had outsmarted him (and the dog) by installing the door backwards but this took only a day to figure out.  For both of them.


The Car is Back!

After only three weeks and a day, our beloved car is back from the collision shop, fully repaired.  For those of you keeping score, it's deer zero, us one, insurance four thousand, rental car seven hundred.  It's most fortunate that I'm independently wealthy.

The wife is beyond joyous; she loves her car.  I'm happy to not be paying for a rental, even if the seats were nicer.

Let me say something nice here about State Farm: they've been great and fast.  No crap, no fuss, it's done.  All insurance should work this way (take notice, health insurance).


A Word from the AntiSports

I don't usually bother but I came across this little factlet on the radio the other day: hockey is about to start again, after the lockout.  Philly is the city with the least amount of ticket refund requests, at two-hundred.

Seriously, Philly, you are a huge, dirty city of enablers.  You put up with crappy team performance and greedy millionaires.  What do you do?  You line up to pay them some more.  You deserve what you get.  You pay an egregious amount to simply park at football games, not to mention the now standard TSA-style groping.



In closing, I urge caution on the forced national panic about guns.  There is obviously an agenda here.

I Fought the Keurig and the Keurig Won

Even paranoids have enemies.
Sometimes it is personal.

A few years back, things seemed really dark.  Ok, things were really dark.  Weird stuff used to happen to me.  After a while it not only seemed personal, it was.  Whenever I went to a restaurant, I wouldn't get the right food or wouldn't get served.  My brother, the professional wiseass, asked me to stand with another group at the restaurant so he'd get seated.  It rained every time I took off work to go to the zoo (my coworkers bought me tickets and a raincoat for my birthday).  All I had to do was get in any line to bring it to a screeching halt.

My cars, always land yachts, were invisible.  No one saw me.  People would cut in front of me as if I didn't exist.  Night or day.  My wife had it even worse... people would cut across lanes just to hit her.  We were asshole magnets behind the wheel (and in person, but that's a different story for a different blog).

This was documented by outside parties.  A nephew once sat there amazed and said we weren't making it up - he was seeing it for himself.  He thought we were kidding.

Anyway, things improved.  I don't know whether it was voodoo, chanting, Santeria, or the horde of gypsy mutant psychics I kept on the payroll, but I was most grateful for the turnaround.

Every now and then, little things start to pop up that make me wonder if I'm headed back to the Dark Place.  My wife just shakes her head and says I live in the Dark Place regardless.

I don't want to think things are headed back and for the most part, they aren't.  It's just this damn coffee machine.

Work has a long and storied history of coffee and coffee machines.  I work with a bunch of hardcore coffee snobs and regular coffee junkies, as well as one or two heretics who don't like coffee.  We started off with company-provided coffee, which is swill (not that we didn't appreciate the effort).  Then someone brought in a Mr. Coffee.  Never satisfied, I brought in a grinder, as one cannot appreciate coffee from a can or any other form that isn't a bean.  The downside became apparent immediately: in spite of being neat freaks to the point of needing treatment, my coworkers wouldn't clean the coffee pot.

Since I came in early, I made most of the coffee.  This was obviously a problem with a dirty pot.  It was an even bigger problem when the pot was dark and hairy (like me).  I have `organizational issues' (read: slob) but it was important not to brew coffee with dirty implements.  After I got tired of cleaning the pot, I went back to company-provided coffee.

Time passed and Coffee Fever intensified.  Stupidly, I brought in more beans.  We went to locate the coffee make and couldn't.  Yes, one of our clinically insane neat freaks cleaned up and the coffee maker had disappeared into eternity (along with the coworker, thankfully).  This is why I maintain that optimism gets you nowhere.


Finally someone got a deal on a Keurig machine.  These are the self-contained magical boxes into which you put a little plastic cup and fill the reservoir with water, providing you with the magic elixir at work.  And the best part of this is that you don't have to clean the infernal machine.  Of course you do have to fill it up with water, a task that almost completely escapes my coworkers, in spite of the extremely bright blue flashing light that says ADD WATER, IMBECILE.  And running the odd cycle of vinegar to clean the machine out.

The Keurig sufficed for about a week until I wanted to give up again.  The range of coffees available for it produced watery brown liquid, suitable only for very sweet old ladies and certain female coworkers who enjoy the flavoring more than the coffee.  It took a few weeks to discover coffee with names like JET FUEL and TUMMY ROT, which were right up my alley.

It was nearly Coffee Nirvana except that we still weren't using real beans.  I purchased an expensive adapter designed exactly for this purpose, which failed miserably.  We had one of our more scientific and plumbing-minded coworkers attack the adapter and the problem for the better part of an hour, to no avail.  In fact, the net effect was a sound that made us think the machine had a prostate problem.  And water all over the place.

A few months later we located a cheaper adapter which almost worked.  Gone were the prostate noises and water spurting but it still wasn't strong enough.  The biggest surprise [wait for it!] was that no one would clean the adapter after they used it.  In fact, the little green thingie still sits in back of the Keurig, dirty from the last time someone used it.  I gave up.

So anyway, I set out to describe the current Keurig war.   Once we discovered coffee of the proper strength, it was pretty much smooth sailing.  When I say pretty much, I mean the problems started shortly thereafter.  And naturally they were my problems.

When I'd complain that something didn't work for me in a browser, a coworker would always say "It works for me."  It became a departmental mantra and extended itself to the Keurig.  The problems, like all problems, started early on a Monday morning.  I would arrive and innocently attempt to make a cup of coffee.  This was my first mistake.

Most of the time, the machine would just sit there and stare at me.  I could even hear it laughing at me, very quietly and internal-like.  It wouldn't do a thing - not even blink a light.

So I started powering it up and `letting it warm up'.  Sometimes it would stare at me.  Other times it would indicate that it had made coffee but not actually produce any.

On Monday mornings, I took to running a cup of water through, just for fun.  This worked, provided I didn't try to put a coffee pod in the machine.

After a while, it became Sport.  Several coworkers in the area would stop what they were doing to see what the machine would do to me on that particular morning.  They never hesitated to mention that it worked for them.

Just yesterday the machine tried to give me nothing again, claiming it already had.  It was the coffee equivalent of Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch.  So I tried outsmarting it by hitting the button again.  Unfortunately the machine was too smart for me and refused to acknowledge the button press.

Thinking quickly, I pulled up the handle, to make the machine think I had put in a different coffee pod, and hit the button yet again.  The machine's response was to give me a cup of coffee, plus the cup it didn't give me the first time.  My cup literally ranneth over.

Of course that meant war.

I procured another coffee pod but waited enough time to make the Keurig think I was someone else.  Quickly inserting the pod, I hit the button.   To my great surprise (not to mention the applause of everyone assembled), I had achieved coffee!  After only three or four tries!

Flushed with success, I took the rest of the day off.