Put Down the Ice Cream and Come Out with your Hands Up

"Hi, lefty!" went the automated assistant.
"WTF," went lefty. That's just creepy.
"Would you like to make a payment? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no."
presses 1
"If you would like your balance first, press 1. If you want to pay now, press 2."
presses 2
"Your balance, that you just told me not to read, is $100. Would you like to pay $100 now with your card on file?"
"Yes."
"......... Sorry, I don't understand. Would you like to make your payment now?"
"YES, PAY, YES, PLEASE"
"......... You selected 'talk to customer service.' There will be a $17 charge."
"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU A FRIGGIN DEAF MACHINE? I SAID YES, YOU IDIOT. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YES? I REALIZE THIS IS NEW TECHNOLOGY AND HAS ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR 25 YEARS, SO YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT RIGHT YET...."
hangs up
calls again
"Hi, lefty!" went the automated assistant.
same routine.
"Pay. PAY. YES I WANT TO PAY, YOU DONKEY PLOOKER. PAY. P, A, Y - GOT IT?
"There is a longer than normal wait for Customer Service. Please follow the link we sent you or you'll have to call back 20 more times and you won't get any further."
follows link, pays in 14 seconds
"We detect you have paid online. Thank you for your payment and go fuck yourself."
click





The US Navy will be replacing their touch screen monitors on their ships because they're stupid (the monitors and the designers). The new tech is being blamed for a ship crash: there are separate controls for left and right power, located on different sides of the bridge. Plus the monitors are apparently too complex for the users. Feel safer now?


Hey, do you have one of those new wifi routers with the WPA3 incredibly secure standard? It's already been hacked to allow password discovery.  


Wanna see some stats on the NSA's telephony metadata program?


You know those voting machines that are Very Secure because they're not hooked to the net? Oops.







Dear lefty

• I'm a closet Trump supporter and I'm getting tired of all the divisiveness. What should I do?
• Have the president announce that he is categorically against jumping off buildings. By the next morning, there won't be a single divisive person alive. 

Hey, Kids - it's Sunday morning and I'm in bed.
Well, I was in bed.
Now I'm typing this to you, my good readers.
On a Sunday morning, what's the best thing you can do at 8am?
That's right - the neighbor is having their roof redone!

There are a bunch of dudes with hammers hitting things, conveniently located outside my window. There are also two guys on the roof with those auto-hammer/stapler thingies, playing call and response.

Left: bang bang bang
Right: bang bang bang BANG
It took me a while to figure out they were doing Led Zeppelin's Moby Dick.

Mrs lefty went out to ask them if we should move our car.
They stared at her, silently.
Apparently there's a regulation that companies hire non English speaking workers. This is a problem if you need to communicate with them, but the amount of complaints has plummeted to zero.

I just wanted to let you know that if you hear on the news about some unfortunate roofers in my area falling 2 stories to the dirt, next to the sidewalk, and being impaled on 4.7" wood 2x4's, spitting out their spleens and a pancreas or two, just before lunch, near a red truck.. I had nothing at all to do with it. I was asleep.


Speaking of the news, there's a lot going on in Kashmir lately.
I just can't listen to this human tragedy.
(without hearing Led Zeppelin's Kashmir)
It's been a great time for Led Zeppelin.

• a fake Hillary Clinton Twitter account sent this: Jeffrey Epstein was once a close friend. His impending suicide will take a heavy toll on us all.

A Tesla caught fire after hitting a tow truck in Moscow.
Regular cars also have this annoying habit.
One should always avoid tow trucks.

South Wales police want to remind you that if you make fun of this convicted drug dealer's hair, you will be investigated. Even if they take lack of freedom of speech into account, the right to pick on this person's hair should be universal.

• My dad, retired and in need of hobbies, is still agitated I use 4 spoons of sugar in my coffee. I took offense, as I whittled down to two spoons. The secret here, in case you need to cut down on sugar too, is to use really sweet, high sugar creamer. When I retire, I hope I find better Stuff to bitch about.

Something is wrong in the UK government.

Boris Johnson's hair barely points north, east, and west since the election. The news says this signals his about-face on Brexit and Life in General. The people remain more divided than ever. The Americans ask "What's Brexit?"

If you watch Sky News, I'm dating Kay Burley.

The bad news is that she's not aware of it.

The good news is that neither is my wife.

Hong Kong has gotten a bit riotous lately, with protesters getting more bold, since they found out they can Get Stuff when they protest. The current protest is being held at the Hong Kong Airport. The police are out in force and the government has shut down all flights out of spite. Forgotten during this massive argument as to whose penis is bigger, is the reason for the protest: renaming the airport Donald Trump Honorary Airport.

This would be even funnier if it appeared when the protest started happening, not weeks later. This is the quantity quality of work I put into this blog.

Positive government action
Yes, I know... you don't hear about that a lot.
The FDA warned that drinking bleach will not cure cancer or autism.
On the other hand, the fact they had to put this out is terribly sad.

SJW Stuff

[twitter]
Dear white people: If you haven't apologized for being white today to a person of color, maybe you should.


[also twitter]
Do you have white teenage sons?
Listen up.

I've been watching my boys' online behavior & noticed that social media and vloggers are actively laying groundwork in white teens to turn them into alt-right/white supremacists.   Fake news... everybody to the right of Michael Moore has been purged from the larger social media platforms.



Two commercials have been banned in the UK because they perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes. Yes, this is an actual law.  There is a funny point: news people refer to one of the commercials as Philly Cheese, when the product is Philadelphia (brand) Cream Cheese.

My Hair Hurts

Theresa May has announced she'll be stepping down as Prime Minister of England. Insiders say that she was unable to get the country to stand by its own vote.

A likely candidate is Boris Johnson. This guy is a shoe-in because his hair looks like he was attacked by a lawnmower: it will bring the UK and the US closer in follicles.

• Trump allows Barr to declassify surveillance documents around the Russia investigation. Perhaps if we send postcards, he'll declassify ufo documents.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have trouble with relationships?
• You're too clingy. That and your micro-penis.

Making dietary changes is hard. We shouldn't have to do it... it lowers quality of life. Candy and CocaCola is a perfectly nutritious breakfast, but nooooo..... After that special diet most of my life, I had to make sacrifices. People used to tell me that sugar is poison. They don't tell me that anymore because they're afraid of getting hit. Again. They don't understand the sacrifices I've made... Morning coffee is sacred to everyone. I went from three tablespoons of sugar to two teaspoons. I'm still shaking, after a year. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.

• In Australia, a man was fined at the airport for not declaring his nuts. Perhaps he identifies as female. Regardless - be proud.. show your nuts!

A man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles. That's the ugliest case of gender confusion ever.

• Florida (YAY!) banned 'childlike' sex dolls. 
• Florida is God's Waiting Room - what would they do with.... ewwww

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the state has no obligation to protect personal information. They did, however, restate that they have an obligation to take your money and fritter it away on any old thing, then raise your taxes.  Privacy - from the people who brought you the DMV.

• ThermionicEmissions applauds Gillette for inclusiveness, in its commercial about a father teaching his trans son to shave. Inclusiveness: what we all want to see.

Through the mid 80s, there were scheduled burns of garbage at Area 51. These were toxic materials from the Stealth program. Employees started developing cancer and demanded information. (Mr.) President Clinton signed an order stating that Area 51 was off-limits for investigations, on national security grounds. People continue to die, but it's a patriotic death - for national security. 

• If you live with someone who has ADD and you're bored, buy a house fan. While putting it together, put the front on upside down, so the logo is upside down. THIS is why I'm going to hell.

the Suggestion Box

We have a suggestion box. It's actually done through the comments section, but never published. Here are some of the more meaningful, well thought out entries (and some off the cuff responses):

• split the IT news onto its own blog, so people don't have to read the other crap  Consider it penitence.
• if you write one more cute dog story, I will hunt you down and put you on Faceyspaces. I surrender!
• didja ever consider black text on a white background? didja ever consider poison?
• You don't use your real name so you can be nasty and obnoxious. Untrue - my real name is nasty and obnoxious too.
• why don't you ever write about nice stuff? why don't you ever stop complaining?
• why do you think you're so funny?  someone has to.
• why do you always complain about the weather? Because I finished complaining about everything else for the moment.
• you sound really paranoid. Come live in my house for a few days, then we'll see who's afraid the government is colluding with the ants to stop me from farting really loudly in public.

Dear lefty

• reader Janice Labia asks what's the point of having a junk drawer when they all become junk drawers?
• kinky sex.

WARNING: nice dog story

A Delaware family is alive today because of Greta. Greta is a German Shepherd the family rescued, dumped due to behavioral issues. At 3am, Greta went nuts, barking and whining, until Dad got up. He walked into the kitchen and discovered it was full of propane fumes. The entire house could have been lifted hundreds of feet in the air. Greta saved them.

The cause of the propane was one of the pets turning it on, trying to get somewhere. Our dearly departed can, Ren, did this. We had to pull the knobs off the stove so he wouldn't blow up the house.

Sometimes you rescue the dog. More often, the dog rescues you.

More animal news:

145 whales were found dead on the beach in New Zealand.

Dead sea lions are washing up on Puget Sound shores - with bullet holes.

The whales 'musta got lost and mass-stranded themselves.' Yeah, that's it - they mass-stranded themselves. They've been depressed for months.  Every pod has that whale.. we'll call him Bob. Bob thinks he knows the best way to get anywhere, even though his 'shortcuts' add 35 minutes to every trip. Bob screwed up royally and steered the entire pod onto the beach, while trying to get sushi.

As for the sea lions, they discovered something on the Clintons and committed mass suicide. With their flippers tied behind their backs.

• Elon Musk, of the Idaho Musks, announced he's going to Mars.
• I'm making a list of all the people I'd like to send with him.

At our southern border, the caravan of illegals is lobbing projectiles at Border Patrol agents. Only in America (or just south) will you see this happen. They don't seem to be in a hurry to settle in any of the other countries they've passed through - just the one with the best Free Stuff<tm>. Only in America would we get called racist for not welcoming the right people with open arms (and wallets). I'm going to guess that Canada will not open all their borders to this entitled group, but keep in mind - we are the racists here.

Nobody lines up at the Russian or Israeli border demanding to be let in and given Free Stuff<tm>. I'm not suggesting we do the things they did to discourage this behavior, but we should probably move a little in their direction.

The other group up in arms is the legal immigrants, who did everything according to the laws of the land. They worked hard to become citizens and demanded nothing. They learned English, which some immigrants feel they don't have to.  Why should entitled illegal aliens dictate the terms of their invasion/citizenship? I had to go through all sorts of paperwork when I immigrated (from Mars). Do you think it's a piece of cake? Have you ever experienced Saucer Lag?

Tijuana has declared a crisis as the illegals are getting attacked by Mexico's gangs. There have been protests against the presence of the caravan, which probably haven't been in the news. There's no gain in calling Mexicans racist.

Like him or not, you have to be impressed at the testicular fortitude shown by Trump. He sent troops and issued orders for lethal force, threatening to shut the border down entirely. I don't imagine too many other presidents would announce these actions: they're not politically correct, among other things. This will, of course, damage America's reputation further, as a Wild West being run by Adolph Hitler. Meanwhile, there have been no reports of other countries putting money into the Illegals Hat to help us vile racists out.  [restating: I did not vote for Trump and I am not a Trumper.]

The libertarians like open borders. I disagree with them on this.

• about these sex robots and robot brothels... Artificial Intelligence (AI - the latest buzzword) will allow us to be rejected by robots too. We're living in the future, people.... One model is programmed to have a 24/7 headache.

According to some random UK newspaper, HIV cases could explode, due to Tinder users having riskier sex. Because nothing says sensible and safe like seeing someone's picture on your phone and deciding to have sex with them. Tinder should send Morning After Packets, with the morning after pill, penicillin, antivirals, and wet naps. Plus some condoms.. you know... as a joke. 

• Sure I pick on the French - who doesn't? They are in Full Riot Mode due to a fuel tax. Stop and think about this... they're up in arms over a tax. In the US, we wouldn't notice it... we'd just turn the game up and continue posting cat pictures online.
• In the 60s, people vigorously protested The War. Now universities vigorously protest misgendering and microaggressions.
• Four students died in a protest in Ohio. Now, the brave children, hundreds strong, come together as one! (to demand that a speaker with different views not be allowed on campus).
• In the 60s, students did not want people in other countries to be murdered. In the 2010s, students would murder anyone who doesn't agree with them. 
• The 60s protesters eventually grew up and got jobs. The 2010s... they are in for a rude awakening...

England has a major crime wave on its hands. In the loud, prostitute-filled vacation town of Skegness, just yesterday, no fewer than five people said fuck. One person was found with a dull steak knife and faces life in prison. His wife was found with scissors and the police are in the middle of a four week investigation as to whether people should be allow to carry scissors without a concealed scissor permit. Every four months, there is an instance of scissor-related crime, which is now at epidemic proportions.

As if things weren't bad enough, a Birmingham man held up a bank. It's difficult to even say this.. with a piece of paper (shrieks!). He threatened to give paper cuts to the teller if she wouldn't give him everything in the till. The cruelty is beyond words. It was a tense, three hour standoff, because the police don't have any weapons available against a man threatening paper cuts. The Ministry of Defence has gotten an additional $4 billion pounds ($1.75 lbs American) to research and develop anti-paper cut strategies).

Police in Manchester are doing a door-to-door search of a block of flats because somebody went on the internet and called someone doodyhead. This is a serious breach of the anti-free-speech laws and just ruins everybody's good time on the internet. An entire construction crew was thrown in the pokey after a police informant observed them 'watching lasciviously as a woman walked by'. The crew is proclaiming their innocence by stating they didn't say a thing or make a noise. Yeah, boys, we know what you were thinking. That sort of thing is illegal in the UK.

Finally, a Lower super Mud woman was arrested for breach of the peace after she waved too loudly at her friend. Someone might be offended at the way she waved. We can't have all sorts of people waving willy nilly around here. The country is going to hell. This is why we have laws.

On a lighter note, taking advantage of understaffed, overworked police departments, someone stole all the Queen's jewels, raided the treasury, burned Parliament's powdered wigs, and stole all the men's bras and panties. Good thing they didn't say fuck.


p.s. why does the spellchecker pass willy, but not nilly?




NEWS YOU CAN'T USE

• Data transfers from EU to the UK could become complicated post-Brexit
• So could blowjobs.

Remember when you have to go through a CAPTCHA to get to a web site?

I get all sorts of denials for all sorts of reasons. Users of TOR are CAPTCHA'd or flat out denied access to sites. Linux users can't get in because they're not using Internet Explorer. Today's denial was the best: The owner of this website (www.darkreading.com) has banned your access based on your browser's signature (47fd97022edac5fa-fie1). My browser's signature is only slightly more legible than mine. What the owner did was to ban use of Pale Moon - a browser based on Firefox. Is he afraid my browser will bring down the entire site? Date his wife? Force a paternity test on Jerry Springer? 

Dear lefty

• Michael Coffetable, from Peoria, asks if the mass hysteria/hilarity of this blog is masking deeper negative feelings.
• Dear PeeOria: Fuck you and your entire family.

Sheryl Sandburg, Faceyspaces' High Muckety Muck, is under fire for her management style and ideas. She tried to manage the perception of each issue, as opposed to fixing the problem. I can't imagine why she's in trouble - this is the M.O. of every CEO in the world.

Faceyspaces is appealing its $644,000 fine for failing to protect UK users, when it gave their information out to app developers without permission. Faceyspaces is appealing on the basis that 'it's just not fair' to them:  it sets a very bad precedent, in that they could be sued by anybody who wanted to sue them. Do we want to live in that kind of world?

• Shop online like a security pro, courtesy of Brian Krebs 

Dolce and Gabbana, the online leader in Teledildonics (remote control sexual gratification devices), is in Deep Doodoo for anti-Chinese slurs around an ad campaign. Shmuel Gabbana, Marketing head, said their account was hacked. In fact every board member's account was hacked. This is the M.O. of corporations - every time you do something stupid, say you got hacked. The truth is that they were hacked - by the Chinese, who were pissed they didn't get the contract.

• Of course our darling dog has some health issues, as we heard during her first trip to the vet. She was treated as a celebrity for some reason.  Of course she has meds. And of course, the staff told Wife that the meds are tasteless, but they know she will verify this when she tastes it herself.
• What else the vet staff know that I don't know?

In a fantastic feat of science, Earth landed a ship on Mars, to study the deep interior. 

I can't wait for the results to start trickling in. We Martians are born with a wicked sense of humor, and we're ready to start pranking the hell out of them. The first thing they'll discover is Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-32 Explosive Space Modulator. As they probe the center of the planet, they will start to hear Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven over and over again (just like classic rock radio).  The unmanned ship will finally leave the planet because it keeps getting blown 100' into the air at random intervals. We blew up the last two Earth probes with the Miley Cyrus Death Ray. With any luck, Earth won't send nuclear missiles to blow Mars up, like they did their own moon. 

• FOR SALE: Robert Plant's Pictures at Eleven -first solo record, bought the day it came out (6/28/92). Record is in Excellent Condition, cover in Poor Condition (missing most of the upper right corner because Dog just ate it).

• FREE to a good home:  I'll stop right here.