My Hair Hurts

Theresa May has announced she'll be stepping down as Prime Minister of England. Insiders say that she was unable to get the country to stand by its own vote.

A likely candidate is Boris Johnson. This guy is a shoe-in because his hair looks like he was attacked by a lawnmower: it will bring the UK and the US closer in follicles.

• Trump allows Barr to declassify surveillance documents around the Russia investigation. Perhaps if we send postcards, he'll declassify ufo documents.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have trouble with relationships?
• You're too clingy. That and your micro-penis.

Making dietary changes is hard. We shouldn't have to do it... it lowers quality of life. Candy and CocaCola is a perfectly nutritious breakfast, but nooooo..... After that special diet most of my life, I had to make sacrifices. People used to tell me that sugar is poison. They don't tell me that anymore because they're afraid of getting hit. Again. They don't understand the sacrifices I've made... Morning coffee is sacred to everyone. I went from three tablespoons of sugar to two teaspoons. I'm still shaking, after a year. Don't let anyone tell you it's easy.

• In Australia, a man was fined at the airport for not declaring his nuts. Perhaps he identifies as female. Regardless - be proud.. show your nuts!

A man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles. That's the ugliest case of gender confusion ever.

• Florida (YAY!) banned 'childlike' sex dolls. 
• Florida is God's Waiting Room - what would they do with.... ewwww

The Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the state has no obligation to protect personal information. They did, however, restate that they have an obligation to take your money and fritter it away on any old thing, then raise your taxes.  Privacy - from the people who brought you the DMV.

• ThermionicEmissions applauds Gillette for inclusiveness, in its commercial about a father teaching his trans son to shave. Inclusiveness: what we all want to see.

Through the mid 80s, there were scheduled burns of garbage at Area 51. These were toxic materials from the Stealth program. Employees started developing cancer and demanded information. (Mr.) President Clinton signed an order stating that Area 51 was off-limits for investigations, on national security grounds. People continue to die, but it's a patriotic death - for national security. 

• If you live with someone who has ADD and you're bored, buy a house fan. While putting it together, put the front on upside down, so the logo is upside down. THIS is why I'm going to hell.