He's not dead - He's respirationally challenged

Siri “unintentionally” recorded private convos; Apple agrees to pay $95M

Unintentionally. Just like Alexa. "Oh, we only record commands. Ok, we record everything."

Speaking of Evil Apple:  Apple auto-opts everyone into having their photos analyzed by AI for landmarks

For certain, no readers of this blog read Pornhub. If they did, this is how they'd get around the block, put there by legislators who fsck sheep in the bible belt.

Federal Court Blocks Louisiana Law Mandating Posting Of Ten Commandments In School Classrooms  [the next part of the republican agenda. Freedom of religion dictates that no religion should be pushed by the state. This law would also not do anything to help the children learn.]

Just in case you forgot what you read here, Elon Musk Uses Cybertruck Explosion to Show Tesla Can Remotely Unlock and Monitor Vehicles

Every now and then I look around and find myself back in the 1950s. The doctors tell me it's not anything they can treat. I was never in the 50s to begin with, so it's even more strange.

Why do I mention this?  A pharmacy that knows me by name. A vet where everybody comes out to say hi to the dog when we're there. A mailman who takes heavy packages inside (against regulations). A little coffee place that's pet-friendly. But mostly it's the neighbors. There's the one couple that's extremely nosy. Another family we exchange (legal) favors with. After Mrs. lefty lost her war with the railing, the neighbor snuck over and fixed it. I am assured this kind of thing went on all the time in decades past.

It's a shame that my temporal trips don't allow me to pick up a few guitars.... 50's guitars start in the 5 figure range now. Sometimes they get to the 6 figure range.

My neighbor is extremely handy - he does this for a living. I am extremely sleepy, but not for a living. I feel bad that I have little to trade...it's not like they need their guitars tuned or amps fixed. I know some stuff about being handy but it fails a bit in the execution. I know you need to drill holes in the ground and use a lot of super glue to put up a fence. I know to pick up the soldering iron by the cool side. I know not to solder in shorts, but none of this is too helpful to the neighbors. They should be happy, though - the neighbors stopped going missing last year or so....

Much like the government letting some UFP/UAP info slip through, cats are starting to show themselves. A guy's cat runs off. He chases and grabs. The cat claws his legs to shreds, after which the owner died from blood loss.  Just in case you had any doubts about cats.

My dog got out of the yard once. We found her, sitting by the front door, waiting to be let in. 

 Speaking of UFOs, 4 experts testified that the government is operating secret UFO/UAP programs.

Even a few moments' thought would make this obvious. They've been running secret UFO programs ever since there have been UFOs, maybe longer. Visits by men in suits or Men in Black have been documented. This didn't start last year.... and it's all documented somewhere....

We discovered a plumbing leak the other night. My dad used to rush over and fix plumbing issues, probably to get away from my mom. We miss them.

 Speaking of the dog, she dumped a lemon pastry on the floor the other day. She doesn't like lemon. We have no idea where she got it. I'd probably dump a lemon pastry too, but I know I don't like lemon either (and I'd just wind up having to clean it up. Again.).

Varicose Veins as Fashion Statement

I began to notice something was wrong when I looked over at the tv and some Australian dude was fishing. He caught a large something or other and admired the hell out of it, saying it was the most beautiful animal (as he killed it). That aside, why was there fishing on my tv? What's next - golf?

Schleswig-Holstein, Germany's most northern state, is starting its switch from Microsoft Office to LibreOffice, and is planning to move from Windows to Linux on the 30,000 PCs it uses for local government functions.

You can too. For free. And you'll be free from Microsoft's spying and prices.

Sam Ash, the chain musical instrument store, is closing 18 of its 44 stores. This prompted a visit. At this point, the discount is only 5%, so waiting and watching is in order. The funny part was looking in the bag on the way out: she, the non-musician, got stuff to bang on, cord holders, and a bunch of other stuff. I got a rag and guitar polish.

Guitar polish is a long-standing sore subject for me. If you polish, it will take the dirt away. My guitars have vintage dust, which helps the sound. In order to approximate this, you can buy imitation vintage dust, but it's not even close. So if I clean my guitars, my vintage cred will go to hell. The last neck repair I had done meant telling the tech not to touch anything. He must have thought I was a complete nut, but at least I was a paying complete nut, so he kept his mouth shut. I tried the polish out on one guitar, which was so grimy, it could pick things up by touching them. The cloth wound up completely black (it started yellow). It was ok to clean this guitar as it had no vintage dust.

New Jersey got sued for giving cops access to newborns' DNA. They were previously sued, which explains why they're doing it again.

My dog is a tuna-seeking missile. She's a fish head. Even her food is seafood flavor.

The other day I gave her a burger. She looked at it, sniffed once, then asked, "Why is this not tuna?" Yes, a dog that wasn't interested in meat. Having just run out of her food, I gave her a burger, trying to figure out how to get her to eat it. I asked if she wanted it barbecued or cooked in the pan with the lines, but she remained mum. So I dumped some garlic on it. She again looked at it as if it were a late April Fools joke. The next time I went by, the bowl was empty. I guess it was the garlic.

We've recently had to admit to ourselves that she wasn't ever going to grok gravity. It bedevils her constantly. She jumps up on the couch with a toy to disembowel, which promptly falls off the couch. I get it for her the first time, but after that, she's on her own. Every time - right to ground. She's about 11, so there's little hope.

After having her for 5 years, she finally figured out how to open bi-fold doors. Every other dog and cat we adopted had it figured out in short order; not her. Unfortunately the only bi-fold door we have is attached to the bathroom. She has become an expert at interrupting. This should be fun the next time we have company.

I've seen videos of helper dogs going to the fridge, opening it, getting a drink, and bringing it to their people. It's fascinating. More fascinating to me is watching them close the fridge. My dog never puts anything away. She takes her small box of toys (90), removes the toys one-by-one, then leaves them all over the place. Naturally I get to pick them up. Worse is the shredding. No, I don't shred on guitar, but she shreds tissues and paper towels. Into small pieces. And I have to pick them up. In recognition for my efforts, the next day there's another batch of shredded paper for me. Let's face it - who likes to clean? Certainly not me. And certainly not the day after I just did it. Wife doesn't understand, but I think this might have something to do with me having to pick it up... her job is to order it picked up.

I think my dog is being influenced by animal videos. She thinks she's a cat sometimes. She herds me from in front, knowing exactly where I'm going to step and being there. Fortunately she doesn't knock stuff off tables or try to claw me for no particular reason.

Eavesdropping on fish could help us keep better tabs on underwater worlds

• That flounder said something about your mother
• The dolphins were laughing at how they trained people to feed them treats by jumping out of the water
• Crabs are working on a secret plan to walk forward
• Cuttlefish are tired of being food for dead parrots in British comedy sketches

Faceyspaces let Netflix see your DMs.

Do you think I rant for no reason? 

China has a big problem with super gonorrhea, study finds

Yes, it's Super Gonorrhea!

Faster than a 2am pickup...

More powerful than antibiotics....

Able to leap genitalia in a single bound!

She Thought He was a Man, but He was a Muffin

[Muffin Man  - Frank Zappa]

RIP Tina Turner (83) - the Queen of Rock

Your love is like   boiled cat

I walk by the tv and Wife is watching this show where humongous ants are running around, devouring people. I told her to stop watching the news - it causes nightmares.

Today I identify as  malazy

Passenger 'voted' off of Trenton-Atlanta Frontier flight after altercation

Yes, welcome to Airplane Survivor! Ooh, sorry, you've been voted off the plane. But it could be worse; you were on the tarmac. The last person was voted off over the Atlantic Ocean. On the last flight out of Trenton (NJ), the passengers voted off the pilot.

Conversations with my Dog

Me: Why do you sometimes take forever to eat?

Her: oh, that's on the days you give me some tuna with my food

Me: But why?

Her: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to lick between every piece of kibble to get the tuna?

Me: I see.

Her: You know at the zoo, where they give balls to the bears and watermelons to the tigers? It's called Enrichment Activities, to keep them stimulated and interested. I don't like fruit, so I keep myself busy licking tuna from in between dog food. It keeps me very stimulated and interested. After I'm done, I keep looking, as if tuna magically reappeared in my bowl.

Me: You live a rich life.

Her: Could you move, please? I need that spot on your pillow.

 

‘Asian Less’ AI Model Turns Asian People White

AI is in its infancy. This means it's very interesting to watch it grow. Already the creators have added limits so as not to offend people or groups or discuss certain topics. Another is the one above, although it's usually in the opposite direction.

Make sure your AI is not modified (and good luck with that).

A 2,200-year-old poop time capsule reveals secrets of the Andean condor

A poop time capsule. You're probably saying to yourself, "Jeez, why didn't *I* think of that?" Our traditional time capsules always contain the same old boring crap, as do the satellites we send out of the neighborhood. It's time to put the fun back in time capsules. Hmmm... let's think of some...

• poop  (duh)
• used feminine hygiene products 
• a few different types of pr0n
• more poop
• a really really large bra, like a G or H
• a season of Americans Idle or The Masked Furry (see: poop)
• an entire day's pharmaceutical commercials  (warning: can cause death)
• Adam Sandler

Clarence Thomas Had a Child in Private School. Harlan Crow Paid the Tuition.

Oh great. Now the Judicial branch of government is acting like the Legislative branch.    

Now that everybody knows, Thomas can send the bills to President Giveaway. Why not - he pays for everything else.

Maybe it's not the same in your house, but another thing that differentiates women from men is the woman's ability to remember things (like something you did 10 years ago that PISSED HER OFF). It has great potential to affect things, like most things in a relationship. When my nephew was born, the first thing Wife said was how much he looked like me when I was a baby. HOW does she know that? Unless I seriously mis-guessed, she wasn't there when it happened. She's tricky and talented, but she couldn't have pulled that one off. She also can't time travel (I hope). Maybe she's the alien I've been looking for and she can travel anywhere, anywhen. Even *I* don't know what I looked like when I was a baby, plus I paid well to have all the pictures destroyed.

The only positive thing to come from this was his mother's reaction to her newborn looking like me: all the color drained from her face and you could hear her internal voices screaming NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Today ThermionicEmissions brings you our first Guest Spot. Our guest author's name is Hymie Leftowitz, my distant cousin (very removed). Please make him feel welcome.

Today I discovered a tv show called Jewish Matchmaking.

The first thing I thought was. "Gee, I could take the ball and really run with it."

The second thing I thought was, "I really need to stop the sports metaphors - I don't like sports."

To explain this correctly, I need to refer you to an old joke:

Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

A. Because they want to.

Jewish matchmaking is a misnomer: most Jewish guys won't date Jewish girls. Or, true to stereotype, their mother told them they have to. Those who date Jewish girls are masochists, who do not or will not learn from experience. My cousin lefty dated a Jewish girl once. Once. He's too proud to tell you he's still in therapy. So instead he marries a shiksa with more personalities than a priest has altar boys. He's not Jewish, but he should be.

Jewish matchmaking is also an oxymoron, like 'happily married'  or 'cheap wedding.'

For some reason, Jewish moms want their sons to marry Jewish women. Jewish dads don't care, so long as Mom isn't in the room. Jewish moms want their daughters to marry Jewish men too, but can make exceptions for doctors and lawyers. Jewish women are just like any other woman getting married: a total nightmare of a Bridezilla, insisting the ceremony be only for and about her personal fairy tale. The difference is that Jewish women want their second, third, and fourth weddings to be their personal fairy tale too. Mothers don't generally worry about their young daughters dating outside of the religion because Catholic schools and well-informed parents teach that Jews have horns, are the devil incarnate, and are almost as cheap as the Scots. 

So the nice Jewish boys eventually marry nice Jewish girls, because their mother is one.

The other Jewish boys eventually marry Catholic girls because they don't want their wife to turn into their mom. Scholars have written books and teach college courses on this psychology. Woody Allen made an entire career joking about it.

Jewish boys are held to less stringent requirements by their fathers. They can marry whoever they want, but they will get more in the will if they marry a nice Jewish girl like Michelle Pfeiffer, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Aniston, or Julia Roberts (go ahead, look it up). I showed my cousin lefty this list and he almost shot himself; most of his favorites were there.  But he's sticking with the shiksa with more personalities than Brad Pitt has girlfriends. Oy vay.

Hopefully I have explained this well. If not, I refer you to another old joke:

Q. What does a Jewish girl make for dinner?

A. Reservations.

And that is why Jewish Matchmaking can't be a real show.

Thank you, Cousin lefty. I'll be back (that's a threat).

[lefty here]

Maybe if I get designated a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League, this blog will get more traffic. The ADL, incidentally, is also a hate group. They could find antisemitism in Chanukah.

Hymie was right - the list of 150 most beautiful Jewish actresses was astounding. And stunning. And probably incorrect, but wow...

Michigan school district bans backpacks over safety concerns

This includes clear backpacks, meant to help the situation. 

Well, that should stop all violence, right?  It sends a very clear message to the students: if you're bringing a weapon to school, keep it in your pocket. 

 Somebody is calling for a vote to ban books from schools too. Authorities suspect the students.

Click here: Twitter alt text meme that isn't funny for blind people

STOP it. Just STOP. They should not, and I will not, take every group into consideration when I write something funny. It's heartwarming to see (sorry) that the blind have gotten on the Offended Bus. Pretty soon we'll all have to speak only words and phrases that, according to some random committee, offend no one. The joke will be on them: the people who didn't get on the committee will be offended.

Writer: I have to test out some new material. Can try it out on you guys?

Guys:  Sure!

Writer:  A Polish guy and a Jewish guy go into a bar...

Oh no, not another Polack joke.

 It's antisemitic!

Alcohol kills over 1,000 people a day in drunk driving accidents

Writer: I see. Let me try another. A priest and a rabbi go into a delicatessen..

Its antisemitic! 

Here comes the child molester joke....

 Meat is Murder!

Writer: Ok, 2 lesbians go into a lesbian bar

Why do you hate women?

I support LGBT, why are you such a HATER?

Oh c'mon - the city won't grant zoning to lesbian bars.

Writer: Two angels were perched upon the head of a pin...

Why does everybody hate Christians?

Is this an anorexic joke?  That's a real thing, you know.

Do you hate paper clips too? Your guitar strings are made from metal, you know.

 Writer: A person charged with upholding laws pulled over a person with no ethnicity or religion, and asked if she knew this was a one way street. The blonde driver said, "But Officer, I was only going one way." 

 HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh man, that was hysterical - more blonde jokes! 

Oh, so it's law enforcement officers now, is it.....?

 

Studying the Speakers on Sputnik in Spanish

Your love is like   bamboo sticks under the fingernails

If I had a hammer, I'd

• test your entire body 'to see where it hurts'
• hammer in the morning (revenge on the neighbors)
• see if your car wax does what it advertises

Today I identify as  a CIS male Mickey Mouse

Queen’s Brian May to make acting debut as the Godfather of Rock in BBC drama

Brian's like Stevie Wonder - when he was being made, he got in the talent line a few times. Astrophysicist, guitarist, lyricist, animal activist, and now actor. Like Billy Gibbons, what can't he do?

Privacy, Thy Name is Dog 

I spend a lot of time setting up my browsers to be private and secure as possible. Sometimes it's a battle against the browser itself, most of which have no interest in privacy or security. My main browser is Firefox, which is tricked out the best I can. It will not remember anything I was doing, at all, ever.

So I'm in my chair, laptop at the ready, talking to Wife. Unfortunately I didn't see the Flying Cocker, who needed to be in my lap that moment. She's wiggling, revolving, and trying to get at Wife. When everything finally calmed down, the dog did no damage, except somehow managed to close Firefox. Firefox, with two weeks of tabs open for different projects. And just like I set it, Firefox came back up, completely without any history of what was there. This would be great for my privacy, had anyone managed to break into the laptop and try to check on my history, but not so helpful for my projects.

I wish I could train the keyboard not to accept paw....

Speaking of Dog, it's getting worse... 

When her mommy goes out to smoke, she comes into the office and looks at me with this horrible, sad look. She wants me to stop what I'm doing and take her to her mommy. Abandonment Complex is in the cocker breed standard.

Flying AIDS News  

Fauci decrees kids under four will get three vaccines

Freedom Convoy: Truckers cause chaos in Ottawa after second day of protests. US truckers are working on a nationwide version of this.

Gov’t watchdog slams federal COVID response, puts HHS on “high risk” list

Austria's Covid vaccine law comes into force amid resistance

Japan's Kowa says ivermectin effective against Omicron in phase III trial

Horowitz: Whistleblowers share DOD medical data that blows vaccine safety debate wide open

• In today's Tesla news, they're disabling the 'rolling stop' because it can 'increase the risk of a crash'
• also disabling the 'going through red lights', 'not using turn signal' and 'running over children' features

I know you're on edge, wondering what happened with my new pillow, to replace the High Memory Pillow, which replaced my No-Memory pillow, which somehow threw itself out when I wasn't looking. The original pillow worked. This was exactly what I wanted. The High Memory pillow thrills my wife (and possibly the dog) but doesn't work. I reminded Wife about her promise to look for a Flat Old No-Memory Boring Old Pillow. A pillow appeared, which was the same size as the ones with memory.

I should have been there, at the Mart with Walls, when the shopping commenced. Wife and friend spent quite a while looking for a pillow. They fluffed, they puffed, they threw, but mostly they SAT ON. Eventually a member of staff observed they didn't have much to do that day. Of course there was a staff member there... no one needed her. Except for the checkout lines, but they can't afford to keep staff at checkout lines. Apparently you have to sit on the pillows to properly try them out. As I try it out tonight, I can sleep well, knowing two fine asses spent a lot of time testing it out.

Florida News

• How cold is it in Florida?
• It's so cold, iguanas are falling from trees
• How silly is Florida?
• It's so silly, Pillow fighting has gone pro
• it gets worse - there were 16 men and only 8 women

Florida boy reels in .50-caliber Barrett sniper rifles while fishing.

Becomes incredibly popular fishing spot....

A Florida Man is behind bars after allegedly battering a female victim with hot ramen noodles, according to police. (much worse than using pasta or batteries) 

Jealous of a British military ship that somehow managed to lose a plane overboard, the US Navy is trying to recover an F-35C that also fell off a carrier.

I would like to get a gig as a Highly Paid Consultant for the Navy, whereupon I would tell them that firstly, they need to keep their planes ON the ships. I will do an intensive 360 day study, with the conclusion that they must use the system in place to lock down the planes, every time. These $337 million dollar planes suffer a reduction in operability and usability when off the carrier in this manner. The F-35C is not designed for underwater use. For the bargain price of $500 million, the manufacturer will produce an aquatic version. For this study I will receive $1 million; a bargain when you consider the savings in off-the-boat planes.

• Weather predicting Milltown Mel dies just before Groundhog Day
• wanted to save himself the embarrassment....

Matching Silverware - or - A Chat with the Voices

A lot has changed.

Of course it has, dummy.

No, I mean from childhood.

You have a job. That's a change.

Normally one would have to be married for this level of nasty dialog.

Well, you are, aren't you.

You're not helpful.

You're not good looking.

At least I'm bright.

Not according to Her.

Ahem... as I was saying... I grew up in a nice home. We were taught something akin to manners. We didn't just walk into our friends' houses, we knocked. We didn't go into their fridges unless told to. But mostly, the house had Order. And when I say mostly, I mean most of the house, except for the parts I was responsible for.

Yeah, you're a slob.

I prefer to say I lack organization. Or I have a lot of stuff.

All of your friends, when talking about a mess, said 'it looks like lefty's room.'

I came from four generations of clean freaks. 

Yet somehow you never inherited the gene. Do you look like the mailman? 

So the house was clean. Stuff couldn't sit on the steps for a 6 hours. Nothing in the sink. And after you washed it, you bloody well dried it. Other parents had ill-behaved kids, who were into booze and drugs. My mother's ill-behaved kids didn't dry the dishes after they washed them.

Bad to the bone. You're bad, you're nationwide. You should be a comic.

I was.

My brother had a black hole under his bed. If anything was missing, it was under his bed. Everything got sucked up. Apparently he had a thing for whipped cream, because there were tons of those compressed gas canisters under the bed.

The dishes matched. The mugs matched. The silverware matched. It wasn't fine china but it matched.

Many years passed, and now I'm an (alleged) adult, or at least a person with a house. I could have gone either way, and as you'd expect, I went The Way of the Disorganized. It doesn't help when you have two people who couldn't organize a sock drawer. Plus there's the household motto: A place for everything, that changes hourly. The most spoken phrase in the house starts with "Where is..."

My siblings are mostly organized, one by Wifely Force. So I'm the black sheep, the one far out on the loose branch, the one whose house everyone is afraid to visit.

Screw you, the dog never complains.

We have matching silverware. And when I say matching silverware, I mean silverware from several different sets. There are a ton of coffee mugs, because of two klutzes and the tendency for them to commit suicide by leaping from the drying rack to the floor (no, we do not dry our dishes after washing them. sorry, Mom).  We have Dishes by Mom. Whenever she decided to get a new set, we got the old ones. So some of it matches. We had these really cool black dishes. I can't tell you what happened, but only one bowl is left. And for some reason I don't want to understand, even the new stuff can't go in the microwave. 

Because microwaves, like phones, are such a new technology....

There's a shoe room.

Of course there's a shoe room.

I don't go in there. I suspect the shoes have reached Critical Mass and will chase me.

Ha ha, shoes chase you.

The shoe room is past filled, so there are shoes everywhere. Plus the person who wears them can never remember where she put them.

There's a guitar room.

Of course there's a guitar room.

It's a tiny room and it has overflowed a bit.

Plus you couldn't organize a pack of strings.

The basement.... well, the basement... we suspect the body of Jimmy Hoffa is down there, so we only go there when absolutely necessary. There is a road case that went on tour with Robin Trower. It may still be on tour... there are things I'm just afraid to ask, so I let them be.

Yeah, Ancient Aliens is going to do a show from the basement. Giorgio Tsoukalos will have to bring in lighting to show off his hair, which keeps getting caught in the ceiling... it's gotten rather out of control lately (the hair, not the ceiling).

My friends (both of them) understand and drop by.

But won't come in.

Taking Gender Out of Watches

Younger buyers do not like gender classification, so brands such as Zenith and Watchfinder & Company are starting to group timepieces by case size.

They also want the gender taken out of shoes, underwear, and pantyhose 

Captivity - Day 47 The dead are messing with us

The weather is more brown than green today. I'm not sure whether this is a weather cycle or it felt more like a brown day. It's not even a nice shade of brown, which means that instead of the autumn leaves, shit will be falling from the clouds.

Attack of the Synchronized Mowers is still going on, but they stopped selling tickets and are now performing free, due to the Flying AIDS. The audience itself has to wear masks, but not the grass cutters.


The paranoid think everyone's out to get them. We medicate them.
BUT, just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

THEREFORE, if you hallucinate, it doesn't mean the hallucinations aren't there.
The problem comes when you mention the hallucinations. The quantum physics people tell you that simply mentioning them calls the hallucinations into being (assuming they don't exist already). This always makes things fun when you see the doctor, who can't tell if you were hallucinating or are hallucinating now. If the doctor thinks you might have been hallucinating, you get meds and begin doing what the medical folks call the Thorazine Shuffle. This is what happens when you take too many antipsychotic medicines. You start to look like a zombie, which, while handy for video games and certain tv shows, doesn't look good on your work history (unless you work in federal government, at which point you're guaranteed an upper-level position).

When the dog gets into bed, you can plainly see her. When you can also see the dog get into bed on a different side of the bed, you have to wonder which dog was real, if any. Given the history of the dog, the one that isn't foaming at the mouth, trying to kill you, has a better chance of being your actual dog. If both dogs are foaming and your dog doesn't foam, it's best to get the f- out of your bed at once.

You can also look at the stairwell and say to yourself that the laws of physics do not allow the railing to sway in that manner, at which point you're back to the Thorazine Shuffle. The only way to get past this is to tell the doctor the hallucinations are all pleasant, non-threatening ones. "Oh, I see flowers and stuffed animals" instead of "I see Ozzy's 80th birthday" or "Those street signs are gendered."

The next day, a mother or wife asks you to clean that washy-scrubby-dishy-cleany thing you put on your hand to do the dishes. These things have no actual name. She says that the procedure will go better when you remove that bug that's crawling across the cleany thingie.  This does not help you, because most of the cleany bits are moving, causing a metaphysical dilemma and total breakdown of your belief system.

And that, Your Honor, establishes my sanity in this sanity hearing.




You better watch out - SWAT and Sheriffs are breaking down doors to arrest people for working.

A gun was pulled at a bank the other day over an argument about social distancing. WHEN WILL WE go back to the time when guns were strictly to rob the damn bank, not to assault other customers??

California Governor Gavin Newsom (D-Uranus) said that as the state prepares to reopen retail, 'We're not going back to normal.'  This man is obviously a body-snatched fraud - California was NEVER normal.

Captivity - Day 3

Covid-19: the biology of an effective therapy.
A vaccine may not arrive for at least a year, so what to do?
Tell your SO that sex has been shown to help prevent it, but only in sufficient quantity. What is sufficient quantity? Whatever you say it is.

The day started out like any other, except for the major virus and working from home. I have to admit my coffee is light years better than in the office. We have a Keurig machine at work, but it's a fact that the closer to Philly water you are, the worse the water tastes. By the time it hits our house, it has had a chance to mellow, by eating the pipes on its way.

Working at home is pretty cool - I don't know why I didn't start earlier.
Oh yeah - my boss told me no.
I told him we all needed to be using linux.
He was amused.
Now it's ok to use linux to work from home.
HA!
Vindicated, once again.
Let's face it - when Windows machines connect to the network, they're likely to be full of viruses anyway (97%, according to an article last week).


The dog is over the moon because I'm home.
Mrs lefty, not so much.
She's one of those Loud Talkers on the phone, so she's banished to the back yard every time the phone rings.
This has the effect of rolling downhill: whenever Wife goes out back, Dog comes into the office and stares pitifully at me. I have been reduced to a doggie door opener.



Idiot Governor Wolf considering shelter-in-place order.
Idiot Governor Wolf considering opening alcohol stores (it's state run in PA).
Idiot Governor Wolf wants all non-essential businesses closed at 8am this morning.
Idiot Governor Wolf's subjects ask where to send their bills if forced to close.
Idiot Governor Wolf calling on state police to enforce business closures.
Idiot Governor Wolf needs to find out the meaning of trebuchet.
Idiot Mayor Kenney has declared no non-essential people work in Philadephia. I'll bet he's forcing the $250/night hotels to house his illegal aliens.



A Portland strip club was forced to close, so the employees started delivering food. Perfect example of adjusting to the times. It still doesn't explain why burgers are $50....


There is some sad news for guitar players: Seymour Duncan has to stop work on their famous pickups for the time being, but they are available to answer questions.




We used to call it WFH: Working From Home.
Let's be safe out there... let me provide a few tips, which the very intelligent people who read ThermionicEmissions don't need...

1. Update your operating system
2. Virus scan your operating system
3. Back up your important files, just in case
4. For the maximum protection, plug right into your router - no wireless
5. If you are using wireless, make sure your wireless system is set to use WPA2 - anything else is NO GOOD. You're flying a red flag that says "HACK ME!" Turn off the feature that auto-joins pc's to your router (WPS?).
6. If possible, use one computer only for work. Keep it clean, although you should keep all computers clean.
7. It's a royal PITA, but use a computer's firewall. Windows has one, as does linux.
8. See #1 and #2
9. Once a week or so, clean the PC. Bleach Bit is a great program, but pay attention to the settings or your computer will 'forget' things.
10. Mac and linux have LittleSnitch, which is sort of a firewall. Use it.
11. Remember to take care of yourself too.
12. Nobody pays attention to this, but you're at your computer desk for 8 house a day. Go ergonomic: set your chair so your elbows are at a 90 degree angle. Do not bend your wrists up to get to the keyboard: this will result in pain and possibly repetitive stress injury. Check out an ergonomic keyboard - I love them. Get a comfortable mouse - some are wireless. Take frequent breaks (you can set a timer to schedule them).
13. Remember: if you have sex with your SO, it counts as having sex at work
14. if you have any questions, please ask. I've been doing this for a while.
15. Don't open email. Any email. Especially if it's corona-themed. If it's from a friend, ask them if they sent it before opening it. The subhumans are taking advantage of the virus to spread malware.
16. You'll be much safer with Mac or linux (had to)

These tips are good in general. Don't wait for a human or computer virus to pop up before observing good computer hygiene.

Hey - You've Got Your 5G in my IoT

Apparently the FCC is busy covering up Verizon and T-Mobile's exaggeration of 4g claims. And if you think that's bad, wait for the 5g coverups. Between exaggerated maps, many areas with zero coverage, and most existing phones not equipped to use 5g, thing are sure to get interesting.





Dear lefty:

• If I do a security audit and discover one of the VPs comes in on the weekend to look at granny porn, what do I do?
• Do what the VP does: nothing. 

Then appears the dog, with a candy bar, which she drops on the floor. (chocolate is poison for dogs)
Did my dog just bring me a candy bar?
If it was for her, she would have eaten it.
That is all.

Update:  a few days later, more candy. We need to get her on tv.

• I didn't want to be the one to have to say it, but Camila Cabello is hot.
• I hear she's a singer, but I don't want to spoil the image by listening.
• Who is Mary J Bilge?
• Somebody turned me on to Bill Nelson. He's a great guitar player, but his music isn't listenable (to me). There's a rockin solo, surrounded by something like Devo but much worse. Synth-pop.

Best Headline: Bomb squad investigating reports of a possible small nuclear reactor in side a garage in Columbus, OH.  America is the land of opportunity and invention. They could create a transporter and the bomb squad would still show up.



Today I identify as  that tiny, triangular window that used to be in front of the front window in cars.


RIP Rene Auberjonois (79), Star Trek and character actor, from lung cancer.

• Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar both suspected of campaign fund theft before completion of their first term.
• Watch these ladies: they proved they're real politicians in their first month. They will go far!
• Well, they got caught, so there's room for growth, but still...

Anybody hear any tolerable xmas music?
Not 'grandma got run over by a reindeer' - something worth listening to.
This is a real standard, but it's not music.
This is a new one on me - might be the one.



Ford is going to use McDonalds' roasted coffee bean husks to manufacture car parts.   Now your car will go faster in the morning.

• Scientists' brains shrink after an extended stay in Antarctica
• Wait til they discover Faceyspaces! 

a report from The Guardian: The gene editing performed on Chinese twins to immunize them against HIV may have failed and created unintended mutations, scientists have said after the original research was made public for the first time.     You mess with a building block that you don't fully understand and it may have unintended consequences? Who knew?

• Linux has a kill command. It's a shame real life doesn't.

The press is hostile to the idea of liberty. Most people in the press are for big government. Most people think that the solution to anything, whether it's health care problems, education, whatever it is - it's got to be more government." - Harry Browne

• Hillary Clinton tweets "In the United States of America, no one is above the law."
• Everybody was waiting for the lightning bolt. Even Mother Nature is afraid of her.

There are fewer than 40 cases since it was first described in 1827.
Ossification of the penis. The penis is literally transformed into bone.
Let's see..... penis... bone... ossification.... nah - it's too easy. You do it.



I was right. Again.
I predicted that Melania Trump, a stunning First Lady (imo), does not appear and is not worshiped in the press, like Mrs Obama. This includes mainstream media and fashion press. No one says you have to like her husband, but to exclude her because of him is partisan and childish.. like the press.





Heroes of the Stupid

A polyamorous woman is pregnant by one of her four partners. No to worry - they'll all raise the baby as a 'family.'


Domain transfers at gunpoint are actually illegal. So he didn't get the domain, but he got 14 years.



SJW Shenanigans

Trans activist Jessica Yaniv (WAX MY BALLS!) is again airing her grievances: this time she's complaining that gynecologists won't see her.  Someone needs to explain to these doctors that men people with a penis can have periods and give birth..
    Comedian Ricky Gervais said, "It's disgusting that a qualified gynaecologist can refuse to check a lady's c*ck for ovarian cancer"

Shalom Bustenhalter

A lot of people would call the title pandering because most of last week's traffic came from Israel. I call it reaching out and tailoring content to larger groups, certainly not pandering.

The title comes from the two words I know in foreign languages:

Shalom: [Hebrew] Hello, Goodbye, Bagels and Lox
Bustenhalter: [German] Bra. That wasn't difficult, was it?

I know a few more foreign words:

Shwarz: [German] black (the color)
Shvatsa: [Yiddish] black (the person)
Merde: [French] shit
Oui oui: [French] pee
Fick: [German] fuck
Luh: [Chinese slang] penis
Pee: [Chinese slang] vagina
Sheiskopf: [German] shithead
Alta Cocker: [Yiddish] old man. In my house, old cocker.
Spanner: [British] wrench. In my house, dog (cocker spanner)
Tu Madre esta una puta: [Spanish] your mother drives a tow truck
Bloody Yanks: [British] our wonderful cousins, the Americans, see also Colonists
Imma: [ebonics] I am going to...
Americans: [Canadian] Those stupid motherfuckers who elected Trump and all have guns.

• At the Paris Airshow, Boeing apologized for the two crashes of 737 Max planes.
• I don't know about you, but I feel much better now - forgive and forget.

Dear lefty:

• Why does your dog bark at planes?
• She gets upset when they're in her airspace - she's protecting us.

(Certain) Women are furious over new Nike sneakers that 'look like an iron'.

The handle keeps rubbing their ankles? The shoes are too hot? You have to keep them plugged in? They're not auto power off and start closet fires? You have to fold them?

• Trans poet Jos Charles "rearranges the alphabet to survive its ferocity against her body".
• One cannot write poetry if one spends her time being assaulted and insulted by everything possible, plus making stuff up. THE COMMUNISTS ARE UNDER THE BED!!!

Best Headline: Popular Poker Player Dies in Freak Hair Dryer Accident
His wife handed him the hair dryer while he was showering?

• In stores, secret surveillance tracks your every move.
• This is an absolutely sickening article that should deflate your day accordingly, but you need to read it.
• The only thing I can advise is turn your phone off. Since that's not going to happen, don't use the store's app. Turn off Bluetooth. Turn off wifi. This may not work either.
• If you happen to catch it, find the store's board of directors and let them know what you think. Start with Walgreens.

A British primary school has banned the word 'like', after a reality show used it 76 times in 5 minutes. Fortunately the words antelope, cunnilingus, uhhh, mattress, and Streisand are not allowed on reality shows.

• Time never moves so slowly as when there are no hours to fill in on your timecard and you're waiting for someone to tell you why.

Faceyspaces wants to be your online bank, using their imaginary currency. You can send money or pay bills. Don't you want to trust this organization with your money, privacy, and security? They've been so secure in the past. I'm sure they won't mine your financial records at all.  "Trust us, we're Faceyspaces." You can even get a pre-hacked account for a discount. Just ignore all those letters asking for your password.

Something's cooking with UFO disclosure.

A NY Times editorial features government sources saying UFOs exist. Of course this is after the last 5 year study was admitted to by the government.  Even the news has allegedly stopped ridiculing UFOs.

This smells of a psyop. We're being groomed for Disclosure. Not absolute disclosure, but a different version; what we're supposed to believe. I don't think for a moment that we are going to be told anything that shows blame belonging to government for hiding any programs or UFOs in general. I don't claim to know what they're up to, but something appears to be coming.

One doesn't have to be a scholar or research expert to know that government study of UFOs didn't begin a few years ago: studies began in 1947, if not earlier. When something crashed in Roswell, what kind of armed forces and government wouldn't investigate it? Debris went to Texas and Ohio (Wright Patterson AFB), which is documented.  Through the years, different programs were launched to debunk sightings (Project Blue Book - well documented). Doesn't this say something about UFO (lack of) disclosure? When craft appeared over nuclear bases and the White House, wouldn't you investigate? Chicago Airport? Flying over the Bush Ranch?

Let me put it this way: across the planet, a ton of money, effort, threats, and denial have been used to not disclose/silence disclosure. Other countries call the US in when something happens. What could possibly cause this reaction? What are they afraid of? I have no idea -  just noticing the effort.

Remember: UFO doesn't necessarily mean aliens. The objective proof is for UFOs, not pilots. Most are probably black budget craft. Some aren't.

Don't take my word: investigate. Watch. Listen.

Will You Show These 20 Good People the Dog Kennels?

The above references a Monty Python sketch about a just-married couple buying a mattress. This is because today's story is about a mattress.

A fictional couple is purchasing a sleep number bed and a no number fridge from their fictional parents.

Fictional Mom: I need a new bed, so we want to give you the new Sleep Number bed.

Fictional Wife: That's incredibly generous of you but we must pay you for it.

Fictional Husband: G-bus, we've had cars that cost less than that bed.

Mom: And the fridge.

Wife: The fridge?

Mom: Yes.




Wife: I'll call some movers.

Husband: Call one of those 2 guys and a truck people. We don't need commercial movers for a bed and fridge.

Wife: I called them, only it's two guys - we have to rent the truck.

Husband: This isn't going to go well, is it?

Wife: Not on your life, bud.




Wife: It's all set! We have a truck, two guys at an outrageously high hourly rate, and all will go well.

Husband: You're just tempting the universe.

Wife: All we need to do it make sure there's a path for them to move everything.

Husband. A path, you say?

Wife: Yes, so they can walk the bed and fridge through.

Husband: What - the 2' path that's already there isn't enough?


Wife: It's Monday - we have the whole week to work on it.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
Wife: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE ALL THIS SHIT TO DO.  Bag up the 100 dog toys he put all over the steps. Clean the entire kitchen. Hide the spare televisions and the rhinocerous cages in the bathroom. Throw the explosives in the bedroom. Put the bird out back. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON'T HAVE A BIRD?

Husband: You do realize I'm working from home today.

Wife: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE EARLY.

Husband: How do you leave early when you're already home?

Wife: STFU and get vacuuming.

Husband: Shouldn't I wait til they have everything in place and they're done dragging in more dirt?

Wife: No. We're recovering slobs and I don't want anyone to know. Now clean the fridge.

Husband: The fridge? The one we're throwing out?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Why am I cleaning literal trash?

Wife: I don't want anybody to know what our fridge looks like.

Husband: Keep the (*#@ing doors closed.

Wife: You need to take the doors off.

Husband: No I don't.

Wife: Yes you do - it's the law, so kids don't get stuck in there.

Husband: If they get stuck in there, they'll learn a valuable lesson and never do it again.



One day earlier:

Wife: I texted Dad 4 hours ago that everything was set and nothing has changed. He just left a voicemail, panicking because he doesn't know the game plan.

Husband: I just got 2 calls from Fictional Parents within 5 minutes, out of their minds because they don't know what's up and because you didn't answer your phone. When did I become your answering service?

Wife: They're crazy. They will wait til I have time to call them.

Husband: Can't we just cancel the bed? They're giving stuff to their neighbors - let them give the bed to them too. It's a small apartment, so they'll have to hang it from the ceiling, then the parents will complain that the ceiling makes too much noise.


Back to Friday: T minus four hours til delivery.

Dad: I'll help by driving the truck. But Wife, you have to come over and spend time with Mom the moment you're done. She misses you and you haven't come over all week.

Husband: WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? IT'S THEIR BLEEDING FRIDGE and they have no concept of us having to set it up, as well as firing up the front-end loader to make room in the bedroom (behind the explosives).

Wife: Ok, I'm leaving now. All you need to do is take out the trash, clean the fridge, sweep everything you can find into a random trash bag, make a nice picnic for when we're done, and put together these 12 space-saver shoe racks, because 12 is all they had - the rest are back ordered.

Husband: These are for the basement, right? I can't get to the basement because of all the shoe rack boxes blocking the stairs. Why is there a half full can of soda that's unopened in the fridge? Hey, have you seen the dog?


Husband continues chores.
Notices that if he touches one thing, 13 other things mysteriously appear in the way, then fall over.
Brings out vacuum. The cord won't reach. Vacuum turns itself on and off.
Vacuum has to be stopped constantly because there's change on the floor. Nobody knows why, but change is always on the floor at vacuuming time. Unfortunately, high denomination dollar bills never litter the floor- just change. Vacuums don't like change. Neither do most people.

The chair that needs to be moved weighs 100lbs without the 100lb go-kart that's on it. The poor dog is cowering on the couch, unable to see the floor.  Husband goes to the (now clean) fridge to get something to drink. There's nothing there except plenty of warm spring water. Under the chair is that cat he thought ran away last summer. Perfectly preserved too. Perhaps he could earn a few bucks through taxidermy.

Wife calls to ask how wide the doorway is. Husband measures 71. Wife says the answer she's looking for is in inches - try turning the tape around. Husband regresses to age 5, when Mom asked how many gallons of gas the car took.
Tip: do NOT smoke near gas pumps.

Husband sees a trash bag to take out in the kitchen, only he can't pick it up because there's a chainsaw on top of it. The fridge had to be moved away from the wall. Why? Because the underneath might be dirty and has to be swept before the movers get there with the new fridge. Husband's head hurts really badly. The voices are saying very nasty things that would lead to a lengthy jail sentence. At 3:30, husband figures he might want to have breakfast but can't, because most of the food has been hidden in the garage. He didn't know he had a garage, but you learn something new every day. Also, Dunkin Donuts frozen hot chocolate makes an excellent breakfast, any time of day.

Husband collapses and finally goes back to work. He wonders if he talks wife into sex, would that be considered having sex at work. He ponders other large questions while the the neighbor manages to run three mowers at the same time. He tells wife that it's been nice and sunny for two days, so they better get ready for the May snowstorm the following day.


Fictional Mover: Where do you want the bed?

Husband: upstairs.

Mover: Do you want the fridge up there too?

Husband: This is a pretty weird house, but I'd prefer it in the kitchen.



Husband: Wouldn't it be easier to take the old one out first?

Mover: What old one?

Husband: The old fridge.

Mover: We weren't told anything about that. You should really clean that thing - you don't want the neighbors seeing it this way.



Mover: Ok, we need a wider doorway for the new fridge.

Husband: Oh.

Dad: Nah, they just have to move it in sideways. GUYS - just move it that way. The magnets come off the front- take the little fridge magnets off and you'll get it through. Turn it this way. No, it won't work. Nah, it won't get through. You should move it back and try it again. Nah, it won't work.

Mover1 to Mover2: Turn it a little. That's it, we're good.

Dad: See, I told you so. Sometimes I have good ideas.

Husband: stunned silence.

Mover: [seething] Do youse need anything else? Here are some parts of the door that fell off.

Wife: No thanks, I just have to clean the old fridge you guys put on the curb. I don't want the neighbors to see it like this.

Plug Cord into Computer, Wrap Other End Around Neck

The Illinois state senate passed a bill to keep Trump off the ballot in 2020 unless he releases his tax returns. Illinois' state motto: Stand Up and Be Stupid!

It's an awful shame people weren't this interested in government when the Bushes, Obama, Clinton, and the others were in office. This game of Divide and Conquer is the most successful since the concept there are two real parties for which to vote.

• I love when the cop comes upon a car with two naked people in it and asks what they're doing.

Dear lefty:

• Why is she such a bitch?
• She's not a bitch - she's hormonally enhanced

Guys - when you're doing a YouTube guitar pedal demo, put on some shoes. No one wants to see your socks adjusting a knob.

• Golf: a sport invented by black people to watch white people dress stupid

Your good friends as Faceyspaces, in the Disaster of the Week, asked 1.5 million people for their email passwords, then proceeded to suck up their contacts. It was, of course, unintentional.  Happy Faceyspaces Logging In, people!




Dear lefty:

• Why are the Canadians so pissed off at us all of the sudden?
• Who cares?

The Horse is Dead, Jim

Amazon employs thousands of people to listen to recordings of everything you said 'to make the service more accurate'. Gee, last time we heard, it doesn't record everything you say.

Q. When will people wake up to this intrusive nightmare?
A. Never.

• Ever cough so hard your underarms itch? Just asking.

Of Man and Dog


Penny's off visiting relatives with her mom. When Mom calls me, she puts me on speaker. When Penny hears me she runs up and licks the phone. It's good to know someone misses me.


Stuff I Learned Too Late
The lovely elderly neighbor, who Marshall taught to feed him on command, is not doing well with Penny, who largely barks at anything that moves. The neighbor would plant and weed, while Marshall would snooze near her. When she moved spots, so did he. They'd chat.

Now she comes outside, sadly looks for 'her Marshall,' and goes about her business. His loss looms large.


Don't read this:

A neighbor, truly a good guy, went through several cancers. No matter how bad his shape, he played with the dog, who brought him great joy. Sadly, he passed recently.

Now the dog roams the house, looking for him.

At Least the DOG is Happy to See Me

After stumbling to the kitchen, forgetting where the dog food was, feeding the little darling and tripping over a pair of size 27 clown feet (mine), I decided to make a change. I got all positive and told the Universe it was going to be a great day.. an unprecedented day... a real change. As I said this, I tripped and fell backwards into a chair.

Unprecedented.

• My good friends at the supermarket have been busy lately. Remember, this store has a full time employee to follow me around, see what I buy, and stop carrying it immediately.  This is in addition to the Confuse the Customer Initiative, where they keep moving stuff around for no apparent reason.  "Coffee? - that's all the way up the other end." But it was here yesterday. "Yeah, we moved it."
• The latest victim was my creamer. The full time lefty impaler saw me buying this one brand and type of creamer. I don't need to tell you how important coffee is, right?  Within a month, they stopped carrying that flavor. As of the other night, they stopped carrying the brand.
• Every now and then I wonder how normal people live.

Dear lefty:

• What about Mondays?
• They are known to come right on the heels of Sunday, but one can have up to 5 of them per week.

Coworker Follies:

HIM: WAAAAAAAH - I can't get to that website! What's the address?

ME: Wait, I have to look it up - you use it every day, I don't.

HIM: Ok, got it. No, I don't. I can't get there. WAAAAAAH!

ME: what did you type?

HIM: is it an http or an https? 

ME: always assume S - for 'secure'.

HIM: what about the www?

ME: Did I tell you to use www?

HIM: No, but all web addresses use www.

ME: [eyes starting at the back of my own head] No they don't.

HIM: Well, I can't get out. This must be a bigger problem.

ME: Can you get to Google? Or whatever your default pr0n site is?

HIM: Yes.

ME: Then it's not a bigger problem.

HIM: Oh.

ME: The bigger problem is that you somehow got hired.

• I do not find it unreasonable for a phone's dictionary to have 'taser' in it. Apparently LG does.

Speaking of Judge Judy.... the woman stirs up thoughts of illegal actions. Don't even....

I realize that my previous idea of a show where people pay to watch people hit her with a 2x4 might be a little much, but why not a taser? Taze Judge Judy! Within one season, the national debt will be wiped out.

If, and I can't imagine why, people ever tire of watching Judge Judy get tased, we can expand things to Taze Your Favorite Celebrities!  Are you tired of people being celebrities for no reason? Taze the Kardashians! Taze the Talking Heads (news and music).  Taze Oprah! Think of the possibilities. After the national debt is paid off, we can give billions to charities. It's a win-win.

• Oops -Google has been caught again. This time it's the Nest security camera, which was just found to have a hidden mic in it. 
• Think about it - Google is literally spying on you. This is deliberate.
• Between Faceyspaces and Google, it's a race to see how much of your data can be slurped up. Are you mad yet?  No.

• Speaking of Faceyspaces, they were just discovered using their own technology to keep tabs on ex-employees they feel can hurt them.

Dear lefty:

• Woger Wainbow, from Wolling Wock, Wisconsin, asks where this crap comes from.
• Well, Woger, the voices dictate and I just type. Don't tell anybody.

This week's paranormal research turns up two great headlines:

• Invisible UFO Recorded on Infrared Camera in Wiltshire  .... well, if it weren't invisible, how could it be recorded?
• 'Elixir of Immortality' Discovered in Ancient Chinese Tomb ...... apparently not all that successful

Let's finish up with something light.

How to 'fix' healthcare in the US.

Having been in the medical industry, a consumer, and an advocate, I have some experience and knowledge on the topic.

The Bernie-ites want socialism, and claim healthcare is free, as is college. If you have a remotely healthy number of functioning brain cells, you know nothing is free, regardless of politics.

Big Pharma and Big Insurance want whatever will cost them the least. They have been paying for this for years and years and are always the best bet for winner. Blame your representatives, who take the bribes contributions.

The lower-income folks believe they should be covered regardless.  Libertarians believe it's up to family, friends, and private charities. Others say it's society's duty to help those who can't (almost the same thing). Still others say let them drown. I think this routine is disingenuous: if prices for healthcare were reasonable, this wouldn't be an issue.

The UK and Canada thumb their noses at us because their system is superior.

Ahem.

Both have developed private healthcare systems because the main one doesn't work that well. Wait times are sometimes ridiculous. I can't get an approximate from either as to how much their 'free' healthcare costs them yearly. Mental healthcare is horrid, regardless of what country you're in. 

So how to fix it, regardless of the opinions of corporates with money?

I have no idea.

I can tell you in older days, you paid the doc out-of-pocket for your visits and insurance covered tests and hospitalizations. If you have Obamacare, it's not really insurance, until you pay your $5k+ deductible (more for a family). Many people can't afford insurance anyway. You can always negotiate a cash price with a doctor, but that doesn't work as well with the hospital. Also notice that private practices are being gobbled up by [hospital name] Healthcare System. This can't be good.

So, there are a bunch of facts and issues. Now what?
Whatever it is will have to be drastic, otherwise we're bandaging a bleeding artery, like Obama and Trump.

Please suggest something.

I'm So Happy to See You, I Could Leave

Know what I hate?
Most everything.

But there's some really low rings at the place with the fire and the guy dressed in red, that belong to Microsoft.

Recently I lost my Windows virtual machine... the only copy of Windows I run, and only for emergencies. As I'm rebuilding from backups, Microsoft decided to send me 7 updates. Updates which I expressly said DO NOT DOWNLOAD. Bill Gates will roast. Win 10 does this too, whether you want it to or not. Linux respects your choice. I have no idea about Apple.

• The mayor of Port Richey, Florida, is in jail for shooting at SWAT, which was there to serve a warrant for unlicensed medicine.
• What do they put in the air in Florida?

Dear lefty:

• Marvin Mangler, of Minnetonka, Mongolia, asks if I really like my readers.
• Dear Maude: I wouldn't French kiss them, but I'll respect them in the morning.

It was 4 degrees the other weekend. It was 50 yesterday. Later this week, the Polar Vortex arrives, and we'll see highs of 5. That's -47 with the Freeze Index.  What record-setting sadist came up with this? Four degrees... your facial hair freezes (even women).  But that's not horrible enough... no, we need a Freeze Index or a Heat Index or a Pineapple index (for when it would be less painful to stick a pineapple....). People near me can tell I'm awake when they hear me say, "I hate it here."

There's no such thing as Polar Vortex.... they make up all sorts of meteorological mess terms with no meanings, other than "It's Gonna Be COOOOOLD out there today." Or Canada. Sneaky Canada. Really Nice People Canada. They smile at us because we don't know they're sending cold air. Once this gets to the public, it'll be War on Canada.

• Every now and then I set the tv to Discovery Science in Hindi, just to see if I'm awake. I had to stop because the dog would wake me at 3am to tell me to take her to the Happy Place. She's not used to Hindi. Nor am I.

I think I know how Dog the Bounty Hunter did its casting.... by carefully deploying the Mr Potato Head Method: randomly putting odd parts together, no matter how odd, to make a cast member. Let's put a shaved head here, maybe some watermelons under a shirt, bleached hair, and one short person with shiny objects and glitter.

• In a recent study, hard drives suck less than they did a couple years ago. That's nice.  139 of 10,000 high performance drives. No mention of solid state drives.

Speaking of casting, there's a new reality show called Dr Toe, or something equally stupid. This guy makes feet look good. Just when you thought you couldn't be stunned...  the show will end shortly, when Dr Toe is caught giving toe jobs to a favorite client or two.

Next up: crew of reality shows in their own reality shows. Family of crew of reality shows. Shoes of reality show crews. Salesmen of shoes of reality crews. Guilt-inducing mothers of reality show stars. And finally, a reality show where killing your opponents is the idea. Then naturally the 12 copycat kill your opponents shows. 

• Yesterday the president abolished the use of nerve gas. In an unprecedented show of unity, 50% of the country demanded nerve gas, saying Trump lied about its effects.

Data Safety and Privacy

Many of us will get hacked, whether it's email, phishing, data leaks, or hacking into your pc. 

I hate to ask you this, and you'll hate hearing it, but what could someone getting into your pc find?

Ack... that's scary. Whether you have no or easy passwords or someone hacks in, even more of your information has been accessed (let's not discuss Faceyspaces, Google, etc).  What do you keep in your computer? That's absolutely frightening..,..

Well, if you have any financial information on there at all, it will be exposed. If the information is stolen, it'll be for sale, perhaps on the Dark Web [ominous music]. If you get hacked, CHANGE YOUR PASSWORDS IMMEDIATELY. Assume everything has been stolen. Reformat and reset your pc back to factory condition. There is no telling if your system has some remote access left in it.

Highly recommended: a password locker. All your passwords and information can go there, so if you get hacked, it's encrypted and locked. Spend some time thinking about what kind of information is on your computer and what would happen if someone got access to it.

TIPS

Reminder to keep yer damn system updated/patched.

Keep your antivirus current and set it to run automatically, daily, when you're not using it.

Be incredibly safe while surfing: don't use javascript and cookies: keep them turned off by default. Yes, some sites won't work. If you know the site and know for a fact it isn't hijacked, use javascript. By the way - how do you know it's not hijacked? Even huge corporate sites have been victims. Keep your browsers up to date, set them to auto-update the extensions. DO NOT USE odd browsers or extensions that look shaky. Look for bad grammar in descriptions, obviously fake/numerous reviews, small user numbers. Stick with the very popular extensions, if you use them. Use a number of browsers, one set open, the rest highly protected. Use incognito mode. KNOW that incognito or private mode does not make you invisible; it just cleans all traces when you're done. This helps with privacy by getting rid of cookies and any other junk left over from surfing... this way it does so automatically and you don't have to by yourself. Or install a cleaner that you use before closing the browser. If you have no tracking cookies, it's harder to track you (but not too hard). 

There are browsers that come with anti-tracking features... Brave for one. Brave, Bromite, Privacy Browser and Duckduckgo Browser on android. There are safety extensions too - I like Firefox and its extensions. It's my most locked-down browser.

To make you feel better (or worse), hackers can get in using known weaknesses in systems... it's not always the fault of the computer operator (but frequently is).  We do not learn from our mistakes, which is why I post this stuff. Be safe out there.

Dear lefty:

• When will you write about current music?
• When anything approaching music is produced.

I somewhat less than fondly remember when our car used to get hit many times per year.
Hey, that actually stopped years back!
Of course the tree proved it too couldn't fly, the dog proved she wasn't any of the things described (she stays, though), the dirty dishes have turned into zombies and return the day after I wash them, I only read some words in sentences (leaving out unimportant words like not and stop), the poltergeists now do impersonations of the neighbor I can't stand, and the aliens keep trying to sell me encyclopedias.

• Why do schools and businesses have a diversity officer?

Speaking of helpful technology and smart users, dozens have died because they don't turn off their cars with keyless ignitions. The car runs, producing carbon monoxide, killing people. If you don't find this a good thing, you should probably remember to turn the car off.

On the other hand, I've done some pretty stupid stuff by mistake, but leaving the car running ain't one of them. You can kinda hear it when you get out of the car. Especially in an enclosed space, like the garage. An electric car makes little to no noise, but won't poison you. It will kill you to replace the batteries, though, but only financially.

• The BBC reports that a spider has bitten an Australian man on the penis. Again.
• This fella must have some interesting hobbies. G'day, mate.

I flunked out of evil villain school: I never wrote a manifesto.

I can't tell you how many times this happened to me...

Incoming!!

Perhaps I'm wrong about the Internet of Things....
A hacker did his thing on a Nest security camera then warned the household that North Korean ICBM missiles were heading to the Los Angeles. 

You have to admit this was clever: additional points for terrifying the occupants.
Google, Nest's owner, said it was bad passwords.
Everybody else says it's the crappy 'security' built into the cameras, plus bad passwords,

Warning: never use default passwords or passwords you use elsewhere.

Next week on Internet of Things: your dishwasher tells you your daughter's pregnant.

• I pick on Apple but it's not their fault entirely... it's their customers.  A teen who sold a kidney for an iDevice is now bedridden for life. Yeah, but he's bedridden with an iDevice.

Dear lefty:

• Bobby Bollinger, of Brampton, AlaBama, asks if we're kinky here.
• Dear Ballsinger: when you were born, did the doctor spank you a little too much?

Remember the case of the unfortunate brain-dead woman in a facility who gave birth? A suspect has been arrested, strangely, a nurse working there. He was nabbed by DNA. Who expected that to happen?

We got way too many calls about housing for aging relatives. I asked if the relatives were likely to get pregnant. The calls stopped.

• An Oregon man was sentenced to prison for sexually assaulting a horse. 
• The horse visited weekly.

Genetics or Environment?

Every pet in our house has figured out how to open bi-fold doors, because you shouldn't be alone when going to the bathroom. This is four dogs and two cats. How does this happen?

The latest figured it out yesterday. She also magically appears when I'm eating. From a different floor, while napping. With me making no noise at all, including silverware, opening bags, chewing like a cow, or shrieking adult pleasure noises.

• There's an online forum for the discussion of the Internet of Things. It's called Dumpster Fire.

Next on Real Housewives of New Jersey:

• The one with the ridiculously huge lips breaks down and cries when the other one accuses her of not getting her lips done.
• The entire cast says, "We're still on tv?"
• The camera crew pisses the actors off because they don't understand the Joisey dialect.
• Gene Simmons guest stars as the rock star who's banging them all. What do you mean he already did that?
• The women jump into someone's olympic size pool and can't go under water because of their augmented flotation devices.
• Yo Angie has Yo Tina's eyebrow tattoos removed, without her knowledge.
• Crisis is averted when the crew helicopters in hair spray and gel. The helo crash-landed in the olympic size pool, but they rescued the hair products.

It was gettin a little quiet here.....

It was 5am and I was rudely awakened by something like thunder. We looked at each other and said "TREE." Looking outside (I hate outside - it only causes trouble), we verified TREE. The gargantuan shade thing had split quite nicely, landing on the sidewalk. It also got a few overhead wires. This is but one reason why 5am is no good.

It happened by a streetlight, so the damage was well-lit and nobody lost power. Sure enough, within an hour, some idiot drove right through it, breaking the wires and landing them on the street. They courteously drove away. This is but one reason why people are bad.

The power company was very concerned, letting us know they'd send someone around if a truck became available - definitely by next Tuesday.  Ever helpful, a neighbor called police, who courteously blocked the road. In spite of this, people still tried to get around him. It's a good thing we didn't block the street with a line of kids....

Police apparently multiply, as they had become a small battalion, with yellow tape. We're thinking of taking them some coffee. Crime must rampant here. The boys in blue confirmed how utterly idiotic people are. Apparently people are coming up to them, telling them how inconvenient this is and how long will it last. If they're so concerned, they should band together, move the tree, and fix the wires themselves. That should produce complete silence...

The electric d00ds were uncharacteristically nice and pleasant and got it sorted out quickly. Now we call the Tree People. That should deplete the guitar fund completely. Oh yeah, there's the smashed rear window and dented rear of the car.

The problem here is the house knows when I have a surplus and breaks accordingly.





Dear lefty:

• My neighbor really really bothers me. Is it ok to shoot her?
• Keep holy the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Get Caught

Tonight for dinner: cooked sushi.