That's Some Awesome Plague You Have There

I got in trouble the other day for not taking the trash out. Of course I took the trash out - we have so much of it, I have to spend an entire evening doing it. With a backhoe. Apparently there was a small stack of empty shoe boxes still sitting there. Ok, I'm not too proud to admit I didn't take all the trash out, but you need to consider my position, before you pronounce me guilty and force me to watch the Oprah Winfrey Netowork or LMN - the Ladies' Menstrual Network for a week. This house has more shoes than 76% of the shoe stores on the planet, thus more shoe boxes too. So I don't always know what to do with shoes or shoe boxes. I dare not even touch them to see if there are any shoes in them. The best method of self-preservation is to LEAVE THEM THE HELL ALONE. Let's look at it this way: if I had a stack of guitar boxes, would she throw them out? We have more left handed guitars than 99.43% of guitar stores on the planet (that ain't hard). She knows better than to throw guitar-related things out. Unfortunately, being the man, I'm wrong regardless of explanation, so I might as well take my antidepressants and turn on the tv.


Your love is like giving birth without drugs

• According to the alleged local news, there is bullying in schools over Flying AIDS masks. Nike must've come up with $300 masks. 
• You have to give it to the bullies - they're able to adapt their techniques to new circumstances. This kind of flexibility will serve them well in business.

My mom suffers from senile dementia. We're thinking of running her for president. She means what she says, even if she forgets some of the words. She doesn't like to fondle children, so she's already more qualified than Joe Biden.

• I remember the old days, when you could unlock your passenger door by itself, with a key.

The doctors tell me it's ok to not say things.
This comes as a radically new concept, after being born with no filters.
They say I'll get along much better with Mrs lefty, as well as the rest of humanity, if I use the tiniest bit of restraint (really?) and not say the first thing that comes to mind. This is heresy. Howard Stern didn't get where he is today by stifling his thoughts - why should I? The docs imply that sometimes I can just say nothing. What a boring life they must lead... I'll die from pressure buildup if I can't say things.

When Wife says The Untouchables is her favorite tv show, instead of saying it's perfect for keeping people depressed and asleep, or mentioning the stats on dying of boredom, I can nod my head, or simply not reply. Not reply! Imagine that.  It's very important the rest of the world knows what I have to say. I must address the masses.

When people talk about Faceyspaces or iDevices, laughing, calling them idiots or iHoles, or asking them if everybody jumped off a bridge, would they jump off a bridge too is not necessary! How will they know if I don't tell them?

When I refer to people busy watching America's Got No Talent as The Great Unwashed and the reason we're going to hell, I would be better off not saying anything, or not telling them to read something other than TV Guide or playing with themselves would be more educational. My input is essential here.

Furthermore, I should not call people ugly and stupid, because they probably just walked into the room. It happens a lot, like the time I was singing "It's Raining Men" and the gay guy walked into the room. I can't help this. I didn't call him in. He wasn't expected. The looks on my coworkers' faces were priceless, especially my boss'. I do it for them. My boss said out of every person he managed, I frightened him the most. Who would I be if I couldn't give this to my people?

I also learned I shouldn't tell the docs "I'm not closed minded just because your music sucks" or "Because I'm always right." Their senses of humor are bred out of them in the process of earning their doctorates.

So I've got another week free to blog and troll the interwebs.



Dear lefty

• In the show House, Dr. House is addicted to Vicodin. Are all doctors addicted to drugs? 
• Of course they are. All doctors, especially psych doctors, subconsciously get into the field to heal themselves. Some of them truly stand out as Healers, like Dr. House. The healers are the worst. So if you are privileged enough to see a doctor who's a Healer, he's probably doing a few things he shouldn't. You should probably avoid the psych doctors, cuz they're really screwed up and you might catch something. 

Speaking of The Untouchables, (and why should we?).. let me save you the trouble of actually having to watch. It is a story about federal officers during Prohibition, when we weren't allowed to drink (or racketeer, or randomly shoot people). Lots of men, dressed in dark suits and wearing fedoras, spent most of their time in humongous old cars with running boards, driving by places and shooting them up with automatic weapons. Except for the running boards, very little has changed. We also learned there were no black people in the 20s.

• If I haven't said this lately, ThermionicEmissions has been going since April 2011, making it 9,17453398 years old. This completely validates my critics' cries that I have way too much to say.
• It also validates my coworkers' cries that I won't shut up
• And my wife's cries that I'm always right. Or at least I think I am.
• They're all correct. But I'm proud of few things in life, and I think it's pretty cool that I've kept this boat afloat for that long, with only original material.
• I appreciate you coming by, hope you're entertained, and ask you to ask your friends, or enemies, to stop by too.

TV has also taught me that people used to put on suits and ties to eat.

I couldn't afford the laundry bills from spilling food on myself.

• let's face it: a white dress could easily be called 'ketchup catcher'

According to NASA, a truck-sized asteroid is heading toward Earth on the day before elections. Biden/Harris blame Trump, claim racism, vow election will take place on time.


Guess the theme.
This plane flies itself.
Are we ready for driverless trucks?
    Bonus points: it can read license plates, so it can....


Speaking of koalas, the FAA is going to test detection and mitigation systems for drones at a few airports. Mi-ti-ga-tion: the reduction of something harmful or the reduction of its harmful effects. This should be interesting...


Trump declared the California wildfires a major disaster. Nancy Pelosi said the wildfires were another tactic by Trump to postpone the election.



Let's Dance!  Let's Vote!

So the election is coming up, raising all sorts of questions about the Flying AIDS. Children are being kept home from school and others are going to school. Restaurants can seat people indoors, with distancing. Theaters can open, with distancing. Some cities mandate a mask while outside. The Post Office is a mess, but that's not anything new.

As we maintain, they have no clue, thus we have no clue. Many procedures contradict each other. If 6' is ok, will 7' keep you free of risk? Masks are to prevent the wearer from transmitting sickness, not to protect the other wearers. Thus I can go mask-free, because I'm Flying AIDS-free. If the mask prevents the wearer from spreading germs, why do we socially distance? If socially distancing works, why wear masks? Then there's temperature taking, which is fine to detect current infection, but no good to detect asymptomatic carriers or incubation periods.

So let's make our own decisions and head out to the polls. Lines at the polls are pretty packed together and long, inside a firehouse/library/whatever. Not taking some kind of precautions would probably be pretty stupid, especially given the results of Flying AIDS parties, where the kids don't take precautions. So the lines will go on forever, with 6' between voters (inside), and unhappy voters who have to wear masks. Then the Susie Snitches, who whine loudly if you don't have a mask or aren't distancing.

The elderly are encouraged to use absentee ballots.
This is made easy for them by trying to find an absentee ballot request form, mailing it to an address not listed on the form, waiting for the ballot by mail, then filling it out and mailing it in, hoping the USPS isn't out back, smoking a doobie. Then fighting off the Russians, who are trying to interfere with the elections by blocking the mailboxes.

I think I might go absentee ballot, as early as possible. Maybe tomorrow.

SO how are you going to register your vote?



The new landline phone arrived recently. It is largely like the old landline phone, except less grungy and will hold a charge (hopefully). We require 2 handsets so we can find at least 1 when it rings. Better stated, we will always have 2 handsets that need to be charged. The new set has a block feature that really gets my nipples atwitter. It will also speak the name of the caller. This is pretty cool also, except for the fact that in order to speak, one must first be able to read. This is where the phone fails. We can definitely hear it announce a caller, but we're damned if we understand what it said (do not tell me it's from the deep south - that's not nice). I noticed the dish rack ringing recently. This is not common in our house, but I've learned to expect anything. Someone hid the 2nd handset and charger behind the dish rack, ensuring it will always be charged and never be found. It made its announcement and, as usual, I figured we had the voice set to Swahili. You have to go to the phone and read the Caller ID to understand what the announcement said. This is less a feature than an annoyance, like taking out a hot date, with your mom in the backseat of the car. The answer to this quandary is my answer to all phone quandaries: don't answer it. It's never for me and I don't want to talk to anybody calling.

Also remember the golden rule: just because it rings doesn't mean you have to answer it.



SJWs STILL

Another shooting of a black man sparked another peaceful protest in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Vehicles were set on fire, there were reports of armed robberies and shots fired, all peacefully. Meanwhile, the cheeseheads were delighted to finally be put on the map with their own negative press. The mayor has declared that all peaceful protests in Kenosha be held with cheese hats and masks. There was no social distancing at the protest, and very few masks, so the police broke everything up by 8pm.


The existence of police is brutality. No bad protesters, no good cops.
-Richmond, VA, protest flyer


BLM street painting to become permanent along Hollywood's Walk of Fame

no.

Captivity - Day 92 That's NOT My Keys

I'm listening to the scanner, because there's unrest in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
There's unrest all over the place, but at least Tulsa has an accent. Here's a report you probably don't hear often: "Man with an AR-15, white shirt. A group of them, all with body armor."  Now that's a parade!


Mrs lefty, knowing my abject hatred of those masks, bought me a... umm... thing... it's a black stretchy tubey thing that you put your head through. It sits on your neck and you raise it to cover your face and nose. It's black, so it's very nice and warm in the 85 degree weather. When I went to get our malts, other people were wearing their regular Stupid White Masks<tm>. I had my Stupid Black Mouth Rag. It occurred to me that the employees can no longer tell the customers from the robbers. Black Hoodies Matter. Dairy Queen was all set up for the Flying AIDS: only 4 in the store at one time. There were huge red X's on the floor, so we could maintain social distancing. I wanted to puke, but I wanted a malt* more. Around here, you have to belt your drinks in, even with a carrier, because the people on the roads shouldn't be. When you have to brake, the malts will go flying. Nothing screws up a day like a damaged malt.


Earlier this evening, on the longest day of the year, Uranus was in retrograde.
It is always good to know where Uranus has been.


IRS Used Cellphone Location Data to Try to Find Suspects
They failed, fortunately for our rights. "But I have nothing to fear... I don't break the law."  Actually you do: your civil rights are being usurped. You have a right to the pursuit of happiness, speech, assembly, guns, not having your privacy invaded and property stolen, etc. Each time you ignore this, you're that much closer to losing your rights permanently.


These kids today.... they don't even know how to roll down a car window.


Muhammed Ali, Jr, son of his father, says Muhammed Ali would be against Black Lives Matter, calling the movement "racist" and the protesters "devils."

Speaking of BLM: a black preacher informed the crowd that 'Planned Parenthood #1 killer of blacks.'
Never one to avoid non-sequitirs, she continued with, 'The reason blacks don't play golf is the shit those honkies wear.'



The Chinese media proposes Beijing pass 'George Floyd Human Rights Bill.'
Stop it. Stop it.
The problem with Chinese laws is that after an hour, you have to pass another law.
But seriously, folks, America thanks China for the tribute as it passes the 'Victims of Coronavirus Rights Bill.'



Newspapers have crosswords.
Other blogs have great content.
I have... ummm...  a test of perception:

.   .

Above we have 2 periods.
One is a regular period, the other is an italic period. Can you tell me which is which?




* What is a malt? You know those malted milk balls with the chocolate shell? The light part is a powder and it's blended in with a milkshake. It's a delight, and by that, you can tell I'm a real simpleton who doesn't get out much.

we call this piece "How to get your cause ignored"

Captivity - Day 69 heh heh

I was waiting the entire captivity period to type that.
(get it - period?)

Twitter's anti-porn filters (We'll save the world from posts WE find offensive!) blocked access to Boris Johnson's chief advisor, Dominic Cummings, from gaining traction on the platform. Also caught in the filters were Nancy Nuckers, Stacy Swellows, Bill Yunt, and Steve Hardin; Johnson's Porn Advisory Board. When asked for comment, Johnson said, "We have to identify the porn before we block it."

It is a sickening color of brown and green.
Last night I got out of mowing because it was going to rain.
But WAIT... it's raining and there's still mowing. It sounds more of the electric and solo melody, but I still don't care. They're religious and if the old dude with boat and animals comes by, they'll ask him to mow, one last time.


I tried to make a point with Mrs lefty (uh-oh) last night. On days when the Precision Stereo Multi-Altitude Mowing Team isn't outside, doing their work, I now have the Precision Stereo Multi-altitude Construction Team. I don't know what they're building and I don't care. The 2 groups have coordinated so they never perform their suites on the same day. The mower team takes Monday, Wednesday and Friday, while the house team has Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. This way there's %&$ing NOISE every #&@ing day of the *&%ing the week. Since Mrs lefty knows the owner of the Construction team, I asked that she tell him to have the noise stopped. She looked at me, with that eyes rolled back look she always has when I talk, and said nothing. HEY - I work at home too. I have to listen to this #&@#ing noise every (#&$ing day. How about some consideration for people who telework without pneumatic equipment? AHA - we can use our lack of noise and force them to listen to it one day a week. They'll commit suicide! And we'll have a quiet neighborhood again.

Or we could call the police and tell them the construction guys are not social distancing.


My scanner program just alerted me that there were threats to behead Governor Whitmer in Micambo County. Minnesota. Are these a bunch of calls or one? Note: we do not want the woman to be hurt in any way: that's what the legal process is for.


Bad Bad Target

I think an official, impartial investigation must be opened into Target.
I don't know what they did but it was enough to piss off 2 whole groups of people in 2 different groups on 2 different nights.  Even though I don't know what Target did, I take the word of my brothers and sisters in the Floyd protests. Perhaps an impartial investigation can turn up what kind of racism or shit they have pulled on the people. It's probably the white man - crackas tryin to keep them down.

But in these days of riots and demonstration, they may be looting, but at least they're social distancing.


(RIP friends and family) It's impermissible.


if you want to listen to the police feed, go to broadcastify.com
Youtube for live video.

I hate to sound like this but PEACE. Make your point peacefully and respectfully.

Captivity - Day 68 It's a stand up desk, Susie

One does not telecommute in the dark (unless one wants to).
We get things like machine overheating, human overheating, wife overheating, but I won this morning: I went for a chocolate covered breakfast nugget and dunked most of my hand into my coffee cup.  Beat that.

Sensing the temperature had exceeded 80 degrees, a fan blew up.
No problem - we can borrow my office fan until we get a new one tomorrow.
Tomorrow never happened (a temporal anomaly) and for some reason, the fan is now sticking to the floor, as if it has been there 24 years. How does this stuff happen? The keyboard already smells like coffee - now the fan will smell like dust and dog treats.

Which brings me to The Chair.
For purposes of this blog entry, let's say you know the chair. It's a long, leather, vibrating, articulating chair. It's pretty damn comfortable, especially as our dear departed cat thought. He shredded the hell out of it. There are handles that lock the chair in place. In a very clever move, the manufacturer of the chair has the handles move out to trash the knee of whoever's walking by. In the other direction, it trips them AND trashes their knee.  WHAT- we don't have enough trouble in the house without dangerous furniture?


Dammit, things have changed. Protesters mad about the death of George Floyd (RIP) had a protest last night. They maintained social distancing. Read that again. 4 police were fired.



No masks, no service becoming commonplace.
Well, it's their store. I try to visit stores without this BS. Or my very smart wife does it and leaves me home, where she doesn't have to listen to me grumble.


Bible verse warning against 'religious masks' exposed after Pope's Sunday mask.
Ummm... Mr Pope... it's not a religious mask. Stop your buddies from raping children, please.

Sex workers in Switzerland offer to limit customers to 2 positions which 'minimize the risk of transmitting coronavirus' to enable brothels to end lockdown in Switzerland.

1. sex workers?
2. which 2 positions?
3. how were the 2 positions determined?
4. sex workers?
5. brothels?

THIS is where the outrage should be.
The US cannot legislate sex, but is allowed to. If they want to have sex and have people pay for it, what's the problem?

Captivity - Day 41 Johnny-take that pen out of your nose

The main benefit of 41 is that it comes after 40, thus it's also divisible by 13.

After teaching all fish to social distance, Idiot Governor is now working on multi-dog houses. Somebody on his staff told him it's easy to speak dog, so he's out of the office again, spreading governorish advice.

If you're in the Philly area, only use cash or stop going to Primo Hoagies. They had a data breach that lasted 7 months. I'd like to take this time to urge your to try Lee's Hoagies. They're large and don't have any of those little seeds on them.

We'd characterize today's weather as brown, with some more brown later, followed by brown. There is s 10% chance the sun will make it through the clouds, but nobody's betting on it,  It's also a bit windy, in the same way airlines want a bit of a bailout. Ladies were chasing their pocketbooks through  parking lots, as men were chasing their hats. We need a 24x7 channel with this happening. The guy down the block who's building a complex underground, also traveled past our window, with a few of the safety elevators and a panic room or 2.



I don't fully understand this social distancing thing. I thought they meant while you were outside. Wife says that's wrong: it applies inside too. Somebody isn't telling me the truth.


Remember, during these odd times, not to run yourself over.




Dear lefty  

Q. I have a 90 year old neighbor who's a real sweatheart. My office windows open toward her house. When I'm viewing pr0n highly important work, can she see it?

A. Good God, man, she's 90. You'll be surprised to see what she's gotten up to at her age.  Try this: use the biggest monitor you have and put it in the window. If nothing happens, don't worry about it. If she's taken to the hospital, you might want to move the monitor. If you get a note in your mailbox, saying the production values were shit, you know you won't get a better neighbor.*




Did you know that if you hook 2 mice to a computer, they both work? Or at least they both flash.  (uh-oh, he's out of material and scraping the bottom)



* Let me try to say something nice, although it hurts:
This lady was Marshall's buddy. At least one of them had a lot of conversations. She would do gardening at the fence, and Marshall would lay next to her. She went to the next section and Marshall would move. He was almost her dog by proxy.

Her son sent us a card when Marshall passed and thanked us for 'taking care' of his mom.

Captivity - Day 28 Who has my rectal thermometer

Let's use our new words in a sentence:
We have flattened the curve, using social distancing and sheltering-in-place.


Remember - if you're sheltering-in-place, you don't have to wash your hands.



RIP Brian Dennehy (81), natural causes (at 81?)



I had vanilla yogurt this morning. There is nothing on the bottom to mix, like fruit yogurt. There goes my exercise today.


The neighbor's at it again, after 8 hours yesterday.
I looked it up and discovered that if you're planting grass by the blade, you have to come back the next day to polish it.


IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!
Well, technically. The only difference between tomorrow is sleeping late (that's a good thing).


"Speaking of jail, there's this: "Quarantine leads to murder"
and this
"Cannabalism suspected in Brooklyn"

Idiot Governor hasn't said anything about this, but I'm going to go ahead and give you the Stay out of New Yawk suggestion.



The doctor finally got his teleconference software operating (with the help of the 13 year old kid from next door. He prescribed some new medicine.

I don't want another pill, Doc. The idea is to decrease the meds.
What's it for?

It stops your ears from dancing all the time, like you're doing now.

But you have to remember to cut down on your connoflavin.

But Doc - that stuff saved my life 10 years ago. If I take less of it, well... do you want me to come to your office with a large, automatic weapon and some panties?

Ah, Mr lefty, I see your point. Here's what we'll do.
You take the connoflavin  and remove the corners - that should help.
Now I'll give you this prescripton.

For what?

Well, it's an anti-resin complex with triple A's. As I said before, it keeps your ears quiet, It will help you fix the car, and call your mother-in law rude names. It's for taking care of the nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea that the other pills may cause. Make sure you're not pregnant.

Hmmmmm, maybe I'll take the prescription after all.