Are Service Elephants Exempt from Coronavirus?

• NASA put forth plans for a Lunar Gateway to help astronauts to get to the moon.
• My memory is faulty at best, but didn't we do this in the 60s without a gateway? 

>4,000 Android apps silently access your installed software

Goog allegedly checks this software before it goes in the Play Store.

I was wondering what they check the software with - Boeing 737 MAXs?

• 'Virus-fighting' scientist gets magnets stuck in nose
• In a world run by infants, hasn't this already been done to death?  

The Good

Elton John hosted a star-studded iHeart Living Room coronavirus benefit concert.

Say what you want about Sir Reginald; the man has a heart as big as Texas. He organized a concert in living rooms, with pals Dave Grohl, Mariah Carey, and others. I swear this is or will soon be a South Park episode.

Kaspersky offers free antivirus to hospitals.

People are helping each other.

In Italy, people are singing out their windows to raise spirits.

In New York City, someone sang out of her window. She was promptly told to "Shut the F- up" by her neighbors. That's the New York we know and love.

• Best line this week: Aunt Ellie had breast cancer so she had her breasts replaced.
• Hey, could you change the oil and replace the breasts, please?

These guys probably weren't the first you thought of when you worried about people losing jobs: the mafia has been hit hard. Gambling, sports, and construction have pretty much ground to a halt. Tony Soprano not available for comment.

• Rabbi is claiming rampaging monkeys launching attacks are a sign of biblical plague. 
• Christians are pissed - "That's our gig!"
• The specific phrase states that 'those who follow God's laws are blessed - while there is a plague promised for those who break them.'
• I'm not a biblical scholar, but how he got from plague to rampaging monkeys is suspicious.

Einstein’s letters illuminate a mind grappling with quantum mechanics.

Einstein was the premier kidder of the 1920s. He wore a disheveled fright wig to make people think he was out of his mind, but the entire time, he was perfectly well-mannered, well-dressed, and pretended to be confused about quantum mechanics, when he actually invented it. He spent the majority of his elder years fighting a court battle to get wormholes (the Einstein Rosen Bridge) referred to as the Einstein Bridge: Rosen only brought coffee to the lab (and diddled Einstein's girlfriends).

My wife loves me so much, I woke up to her covering my face with a pillow to protect me from covid19  [Twitter]

LA City Council met for the first time virtually.

An hour in, they had to pause the meeting because someone was running a pornographic video in the Zoom channel.  I submit that the video was interesting and the City Council meeting was shocking and pornographic.  But seriously folks - avoid Zoom like the coronavirus.

Singapore gay sex ban: Court rejects appeals to overturn law

What's so bad or threatening that laws have to control it? Will people get 'The Gay' from insufficient social distancing? Imagine a government that thinks it can legislate what you can and cannot do in the privacy of your home....

Today I identify as   a pen that refuses to write, even though it has ink

Bogus coronavirus claims lead Google Play to finally give Infowars the boot

In English, this means that Alex Jones was thrown out of the Apple App Store on 2018 and just thrown out of Google, because of 'bogus coronavirus claims.'

I told you so.

I warned that it was Goog's right to deny anyone, but by throwing off largely conservative news, we weren't getting the full story, or even another view. I have no opinion on Jones, other than he's funny when he gets excited. It is the reader who needs to decide what is truth and what isn't. Instead, social media has deplatformed anyone disagreeing with the Party Line. Society needs dissenting voices, even if they're a few cans short of a six pack.

The reason that Trump talks about 'fake news' is that it's true. It was true long before he made it to office. We are spoon-fed crap all day and night, and we don't care to figure any of it out - we just wait to be told what to believe and believe what we're told. At one point, Ben Franklin was a dissenting voice. Unfortunately we have to seek out alternative news. There's no truth ratio, but believe very little of what mainstream media tells you. What if Infowars was correct?

• Dolly Parton says that the Flying AIDS is a lesson from God. 
• Dolly's god is a nasty, petulent god, who is apparently a real sadist.
• I'm no religious student, but lessons can be taught without wiping out large percentages of a planet.
• Implants have been known to burst, sending chemicals into the bloodstream. I'm not saying that's what happened, but...

The Chinese, if you choose to believe their press, have the Flying AIDS epicenter located in a wild animal market. I have a small suggestion, which might help in the future: stop eating BATS and DOGS, Fool.

SJW Slush

Fundamentally, #COVID19 and the inadequate response in our country and around the world are symptoms of patriarchy. The new post-#coronavirus world should be better than this.

MC Hammer Found Alive?

McDonald's has apologized after a toddler was found sucking on a condom in a restaurant.  Unrelated: McDonalds introduces the McCondom.

• A man was arrested for threatening to kill President Trump at his rally. 
• Only the bright ones get caught.

What are the odds?

A Florida (shock!) man impersonating a cop got arrested after pulling over a real cop.

Dear lefty:

• Why are peaches fuzzy?
• same reason your mother is

Watch out, kids.... new SJW research reveals that dogs are a tool of white supremacy and gentrification. I wonder if cancerous dogs are the tool of white veterinarian supremacy....

Although it's possible I might be overloaded, the load itself seems to be overloading:

• Zombie Dishes: put them in the sink, wash them, and they're back the next day.
• Zombie Trash: it appears each week, after having taken it out the previous week.
• Zombie Ants: yes, it's that time of year again. We saw them warming up in the yard, their miniature fortresses in the ground. The weekend saw them in the house, in Popular Ant Places, like the washer and my bedroom table. Even in my house, there is no food in either place.
• Zombie Grass: it appears out of nowhere. I'm told it's weeds, but I can't tell the difference. I mowed last year - what does this pestilence want from me?

Now available: Elton John's Early Demos. This is a 4 volume set of Sir Elton's demos for some of his biggest songs. Sometimes he changed the titles, but here are the working titles:

Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me
The Bitch is Black
I Guess That's Why They Call Them the Jews
Saturday Night's Alright for Crossdressing (J. Edgar's Song)
Goodbye Conventional Marriage
Candle In the Gin
Philadelphia Dungeon

• Suffice it to say that chocolate covered ants, considered a delicacy on some planets we don't visit, comes up severely lacking when served without chocolate.

The LAPD has run over a woman sunbathing on a beach.

Perhaps they should legislate those orange glow vests....

• Pennsylvania news: three men are accused of having sex with a few different animals. This was obviously the first volley in a campaign for governor.
• a PA woman died after falling into a meat grinder.  Well, at least she didn't fall into a tree grinder- those things are messy.  Unrelated: sale on sausage this week only.

Dear lefty:

• What is a hoosier?
• Even the people who live there can't tell you, which says a lot.

The lefty household would like to thank the Poseidon Corporation for their flea and tick medicine for dogs. Penny is flea and tick free. The ticks now crawl onto us, but they don't bite her. Success!

Lemon Curry?

Japan releases dog poo app.  I just like saying dog poo app.

• The decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to US President Barack Obama in 2009 failed to live up to expectations, the committee's ex-secretary has said. Their awards to Iran and Mussolini also failed somewhat.

The internet is positively abuzz with news of a Faceyspaces Dislike button. Hit it! We dislike Faceyspaces!

• We all know how I feel about the president. However, he pulled one on the pope that has me howling: he invited a transvestite, a pro-abortion nun and a pair of gay bishops to the White House when the pope visits. This was described as a stunning show of political indecorum. More indecorum in the White House, I say!

Have humans made dogs stupid? I had no idea it was catching. Are they watching reality tv now?

• Snake with no mate gives birth for second time. Uh-oh... a second virgin birth, the pope visiting, and Microsoft has developed its own linux.......IT'S THE END TIMES!!!!

I have a friend who somehow became afflicted with children. While visiting one day, I noticed something really odd (in spite of my complete lack of child-rearing skills): Mom would tell one of the children to go to the bathroom, almost out of the blue.

About fifteen years down the line, when she's caught and the inevitable interviews with the neighbors all reveal what a nice child she was, the psychologists hired by the court will trace the whole nightmare back to Mom making her go to the bathroom on command. Books will be written. CSI will do an episode on it.

Speaking of which, did you ever see the neighbors say that it was only a matter of time? They could tell something was going to happen - he was just that kind of child. They're suprised it wasn't worse. THAT's the kind of news we need to see on tv.

• Vladimir Putin will be meeting Elton John for a chat about LGBT rights. And Ted Nugent, for a talk on the proper way to prepare bear.

"If the Government were placed in charge of the Sahara Desert, they would run out of sand in 5 years"
- Milton Friedman

• A Guantanamo Bay detainee has an online dating profile. "Detained but ready to mingle". Their first date will be da bomb!

A DFW Whataburger (former) employee refused to serve police the other day. #policestomachsmatter 

• [sigh] Donald Trump, our only hope for genuine White House hilarity, fashion plate and inveterate dog-fluffer, pledged a huge military buildup and better healthcare for veterans. Oh well, the man whose slogan is 'I couldn't be any worse' is now promising things and not specifying how he'd pay for them. Yes, The Donald is now officially a politician.
• Speaking of buffoons, Jeb Bush says people need to stop demonizing the NSA.

Every few weeks at work, some nice person comes along and dusts my cubicle. The other day I was privileged to observe this ritual: she proceeds to dust all of the bookshelves, which has the effect of relocating all of the dust to my desktop. This is cleaning efficiency at its finest. The Cleaning Union is hiring someone to push all of the dust from the desktop to the floor. Next year's contract includes provisions for a vacuuming expert.

• Being a British Isil jihadist isn't all glamour and brides.... this guy laments the hygiene, shoe theft and lining-up behavior of his fellow jihadists from other countries. Maybe the key to destroying Isil is to let them destroy themselves from within.

Chipzilla has produced a sports bra which opens vents when it senses a certain level of heat and sweat. Millions of men are now practicing their hacking skills.

• Federal air marshals under investigation for filming sex with a prostitute while on duty.  Provided your hijacker is having sex with the marshal, everything is under control. Don't you feel safer already?

Paxil, the antidepressant, is deemed unsafe for young people after reanalysis. The manufacturer said it was safe for young people. What they meant to say was that it was NOT safe for young people. They apologize.

• PC POLICE ATTACK!
• University seeks to ban expressions of intolerance
• Comics don't want to play colleges anymore
• Devo member apologizes for 9-11 themed wedding, box cutter favors
• Robot ethicist launches campaign against sex robots, saying such products demean women and reinforce stereotypes. In unrelated news, robot ethicist's house TP'd and raided by SWAT. Accounts hacked and credit card has charges from religious beastiality midget porn sites.

SELFIE NEWS: A Japanese tourist died at the Taj Mahal after slipping down a staircase. He had been taking a selfie. Another senseless selfie-related death.



MUSICAL MENTIONINGS:

The Reverend Billy F Gibbons (ZZ Top) is about to release a solo album. In the meantime, he's up to his old tricks in the video for Treat Her Right.

John Hiatt is a songwriter who doesn't get his due. He wrote Have a Little Faith in Me (Joe Cocker, others), Memphis in the Meantime (Gregg Allmann), Thing Called Love (Bonnie Raitt), and Angel Eyes (Jeff Healey), among many others. You may not have heard him perform them but his style is original.  He also has a great sense of humor, not a standard feature in too many people from Indianapolis. He recently toured with another ThermionicEmissions favorite, Lyle Lovett.

My brother turned me onto John, the first song being Little Head. Let's just say it's a variation on the theme of of men's central processing units being centrally located. Another song that sits in my phone's mp3 directory is Cry Love. It has no guitar solo and I have no idea what it's about (making me a perfect American consumer).

Speaking of Thing Called Love, here's a Bonnie Raitt live version, complete with John. And nothing would be complete without a complete diversion, via Bonnie Raitt and Emmylou Harris singing backup on Little Feat's live version of Dixie Chicken, complete with RIP Feat members Lowell George and Richie Hayward.

Fred and Paul from Little Feat - Keswick Theater - 9/11/15

SIR Jimmy?

Coming to us from the Daily Telegraph is an article about Jimmy Page being mentioned for knighthood.

Sir James Page would join luminaries such as Sir Elton and Sir Paul.

I'm voting for this, in spite of the fact that I'm an American.  Over here, we vote wisely, vote often.

If you've read this far and still have that scrunched up quizzical face, Jimmy Page would be the guitarist/writer/producer of Led Zeppelin fame.  Prior to Zeppelin, Page was an in-demand session musician.  That's Jimmy on Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" and Joe Cocker's version of "With a Little Help from my Friends".