Captivity - Day 62 Live by the Faceyspaces, Die by the Faceyspaces

Your new Apple devices have the Flying AIDS trackers in them, but it's ok - you have to opt in.  Yup - no problem there.

The sun continues to be uncovered by clouds, but I'm told it's a little nipply out there today.


Remember the barbershop in Michigan that got fined for opening?
They just had Operation Haircut, giving out free haircuts in protest.
If you'll close your eyes and drift across continents, to North Korea, you will remember everybody getting haircuts like their leader. Do you want that sort of thing here?


A Mississippi church that sued on virus restrictions just burned down.
Either God or the arsonist does not like the odds.


Sideways related to the Flying AIDS is down there in Australia, the dolphins miss the tourists, who used to line up to feed them. The dolphins have started to bring 'gifts' ashore, including sponges, barnacle-covered bottles, and fragments of coral.  So long and thanks for all the fish.


Idiot Governor tweets about a great PA citizen on twitter, immediately gets deluged by people unhappy with his 'progress' and handling of the Second Amendment. I'm so proud.


The new White House Press Secretary said God and prayer made Trump President. She also said, "Hey - let's dress as the KKK and run through the NAACP meeting!"  Regardless of whether you believe her or not, this is a hell of a way to start her White House career.

Since science, medicine, and especially politicians have absolutely no idea about the Flying AIDS, here are some materials brought by as a potential cure:

• styrofoam
• canned air
• sleeping pills
• cat hairballs
• nose hair trimmers
• old cell phones
• monkey feces
• used band aids
• frog penis
• well-mannered social media posters

Sometimes You're Just a Fish on a Telephone Pole

Twas the day of Christmas, and all through the house
Only one of us was stirring, with no computer mouse.

One of the many wonderful things about living together is the traditions you develop. Over the many years, we've developed many traditions. So there are a lot of traditions but no standards.

I just got done 'putting up' the tree.
It's a good 7' tall.
How did I get it in the house, you ask?
I dragged it, in pieces, from my lovely neighbor, who had a few too many. I don't know if she has a religious issue and likes to keep a lot of them, just in case, or she has a mental issue and likes to keep a lot of them. just in case. This one came in a box, which is a great way to transport your tree home.

I put it together, excited because the lights were already there and wired. My main experience was one of dust. In the basement, from where I carried it. Somebody didn't close the box and it got kinda dusty.

When I say it stood 7' tall, I mean when properly assembled and without the top section leaning over at a 30 degree angle.  At least it had lights. Well, it would have lights, as soon as I could find an outlet. I knew there were lights plugged in last time, so there had to be an outlet.. I just couldn't find it. I can't find an elephant in an empty parking lot. I located one outlet, but the active sparking  dissuaded me.

When I say it had lights, I mean it had lights on the top half. The ones on the bottom half didn't work. I looked around for loose wiring, fearing one bad bulb, which took the entire bottom string out. I found one plug sitting there, but nothing to plug into it. It's 2019, I thought.. plug 2 females together! Better not. I found the male half, plugged it in, and was graced by absolutely nothing. No lights. It's probably mad at me for hate in not letting 2 female plugs go together.

So we have a fake tree, with lights on the top half, no colored lights, no blinkies, and the top bit is leaning left at a 30 degree angle. It's like a Charlie Brown Christmas, but with a larger tree. And fuck it - it's ours!

Unfortunately it's blocking 1 of the 2 windows that let light into the house. There are no others. The house was built in a quantum field, across several multiverses, so when it's rotated 90 degrees, then 180 degrees, sun never shines through the windows. They could have saved thousands by not putting windows in.

There are huge, decoration-like thingies in the window, which were not there on the Eve. Some are red/green, some are blue/white. Blue is generally for Hanukkah, which, I believe, is not celebrated in the house. But very little surprises me.

So there's a very strange and malformed tree on Christmas day, blocking the window; plus decorations hung late Christmas Eve, while I was entertaining in bed without an audience, via my Mattress Dancing, laughing, and random screaming.

You have no idea how happy I am. This is a 102% improvement over last year, when the tree continued its failure to come out of the box and the ornaments weren't even a thought (except buying new ones to replace the long-smashed ones). The year before was the year the kit tree arrived, so we didn't remove it from its box out of respect. The decorations were thought about, but remained true to the tree and never left their boxes (including the new ones, which were piled near where the tree usually goes, where no one would find them).

There would be presents, but I don't think anybody got around to buying them. The presents are for the (internal) kids, who love Christmas, the Leaning Tree of Pennsylvania, and decorations that materialize overnight. Maybe Santa brought them. Maybe Satan - who knows. I know there must be presents, as there are a ton of unopened brown shipping boxes all over the place (Fedex has a truck parked out front from November til Christmas). Since I do the wrapping, maybe most of the gifts are in the basement from the last few years. Unfortunately we sent someone down there last year to search for the past few years' gifts and never actually heard back from him... I'm feeling a little sick... perhaps I need a break.

The great thing about dissociation is what we call Christmas all year around. You can literally wrap the same presents over and over, and they're new each time!

I specifically ask that no one get me anything. Although it sounds a bit Bah Humbug-y, it's better this way. I'm a little off the beaten path (really?), so people don't know what to get me. This results in the most bizarre gifts... cologne. Sports Stuff. Wrong size t-shirts (from my mom). Things made from apples (I'm allergic). A set of postcards picturing outhouses (ok, that was cool). Beer (don't drink). Surgical tools (I pass out at the sight of blood). Barbie car seat covers. Underwear (women's... hey). A welding kit (used). Gasoline purity tester (they want me to be safe before I drink). And a ten foot pole, for trying to wake Wife up before the late afternoon. My Christmas stocking came with a garter belt (I stopped asking years ago). The dog got a ton of stuff, including many valuable stuffed animals belonging to the wife.

The children were all snug in their beds, because it was 2:00.
2:00pm.
I'm awake because we're supposed to go to the family party. She's asleep because it's her family. I spend most of my time there hiding from loud children. And loud adults. The nicest present I ever got was my own panic room there, that I can sit in and not be bothered, while still getting credit for showing up. I say hello to most family members first - do you think I'm rude? This is what happens when you put 73 people in a house designed for 5, and put out 4 chairs.

There sure are a lot of dogs there, which means I have someone to talk to, but Penny, and before her, Marshall, couldn't go because they don't like dogs.  Just a chip off the old block... I don't like some of their owners. Besides... when I don't hide, after a while, Wife signals that I'm doing that thing she doesn't like... what was it... oh yeah - talking.  It's becoming more tolerable, though. The adults talk and everyone under 30 stares at their cell phones. Some of them are texting each other. These will be the first people to get the Brain Chip.

My family is doing something too. I'll be damned if I know what it is. They stopped inviting me after the sheep incident (don't ask). I only get invited when I'm standing there and someone else says the party will be a lot of fun. They turn to me and say, "Oh. We're having a party. Last minute. Open house. You can come. Leave the dog at home - you have no idea what she does to the deer."

I'm expecting a new guitar.
I won't get one, but I'm expecting it.

In his mercy, my boss gave me time off. I got half of Christmas day this year!
What have I done with it?
Brought up the xmas tree, mowing down everything in its path. Waited for everyone to get up. And typed this shit.
If this ain't an existential crisis in the making, I don't know what is.

In answer to my Existential Agita, it came to me yesterday... my place in all this.
I work to make sure everyone else gets presents.
Like some sort of warped Santa Claus.
One that's not particularly jolly.


UPDATE:
Mrs lefty has a headache so bad, Mussolini named a child after it.
Ain't goin' nowhere.

UPDATE to the UPDATE:
In violation of my strict No Gift Policy<tm>, a very nice child got me a set of wireless ear podlike thingies. The thing that concerns me is that they came out as Apple products, so my android phone may reject them.





Credit where it's due: last summer Mother Nature did a tremendous job on sunshine - we had lots of it. Now that we're back in Cold Season, we're back to 6 days of rain per week. People are jumping off buildings.

For some strange reason, it's sunny out today.  Then cloudy. Then sunny again. I walked to the window only to discover it was sunny, but it was also snowing. I hate it here.  I have no problem with Arizona's 100+ degrees with little humidity and no clouds.




The army put together a group to study Remote Viewing, as documented in the movie "Men Who Stare at Goats." In short, remote viewing allows a person to 'see' something that's somewhere else, from their chair. I hear you can also view things from times other than current.  The only problem is that you are not viewing things like a picture; you're getting impressions of features. Richard Dolan, ufo researcher and author, interviews Tracey Dolan (his wife) on remote viewing (she's a viewer). This is not a conspiracy theory - it's documented fact, and most people have the ability to do it, with a little training.

• Why are there now emojis on email subject lines? This must be stopped.

Dear lefty:

• I heard you are lactose intolerant.
• I am generally intolerant; this includes lactose.

The FBI has gone far out of character lately, first warning people over the evils of smart tv privacy leakage, and now the risks behind using free wifi while traveling. The FBI is perfectly correct on both issues, which should also take you aback. But we need to know why, all of the sudden, this is being let loose. I think that they're jealous of the other organizations who steal your data. They have an intrinsic belief that all of your data is theirs and others getting it first disturbs them to their core. Old J. Edgar is spinning in his grave (in a nice, taffeta ball gown).

• Finland offered its citizens a free crash course in AI to educate them. They're translating it and will put it online for everyone else shortly.
• A government educating its people. 
• WAR ON FINLAND! We cannot have this sort of thing happening in the world.
• Somewhere in America's northeast, Bernie got his first hardon in 25 years and has no idea why.

If you need a quick laugh, and who doesn't, read this little ditty on Faceyspaces, lawmakers, location tracking, and 'certain security functions.' The sheer creativity, legalese, and attempts to appear innocently stupid are breathtaking.

Today I identify as  a black female Jewish lesbian for Christ, atheist division

"Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you've got any guts." - Frank Zappa

Sitting around, shoveling popcorn into my mouth, I was shocked to discover popcorn on the floor. I missed my mouth. I didn't think that was physically possible.

• Wondering about Gatwick Airport's drone issue? Listen to the police commander's version.

It's my unfortunate end-of-year responsibility to bring you the worst passwords list. Hint: 123456 is still #1.  Are you guilty? How much shaming will it take to get you to use a more secure password? It takes nothing extra but provides more security.

• Remember the PinePhone - the $150 phone that will run open source operating systems and not steal your data? The very early review is in.
• Reminder: this is incredibly early in the process. Only suitable for developers at present. Actually using it as a phone/text isn't ready for prime time. When it is, the phone will be formidable. I'll have at least one. Goodbye, Goog!

Heroes of the Stupid

Rise of Skywalker falls short of predecessors. Ranks as the lowest opening of the most recent three films in the saga.  Gee, ya think 9457 sequels has run its course? It's Schadenfreude Day, folks!



SJW Sickness

A researcher who lost her job at a think tank after tweeting that transgender women cannot change their biological sex has lost a test case because her opinions were deemed to be “absolutist”.  The judge said her social media posts/opinion were 'not worthy of respect in democratic society'.

This is a perfect example of the slippery slope of speech in England. This lady's views, posted on social media - not at her job, offended people, therefore they are not worthy of respect and not rehiring her was just fine and legal. Her views had less than zero merit. You don't have to agree or disagree with her to have concern over where this is going.


ACLU calls for tampons in men's rooms in order to achieve 'menstrual equality'
The date on the article was not April 1 and Fox isn't known for this sort of gag.

On the other hand, Menstrual Equality is a bitchin' name for a band.

Some Things Suck More Than Other Things

Former President Barack Obama has reportedly asked Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists not to meet with Donald Trump following the firestorm of publicity over Kanye West. I cannot verify this, but it's a good one.

If I were Obama, I'd call and ask Jay-Z to encourage other hip hop artists to attempt real music, if at all possible.

• A South Carolina NAACP leader accused the police of racial profiling when they pulled him over. He told his passengers not to move because the officer looked like he was going to shoot them. He claimed that the police accused him of having drugs in the car and what was he doing in that neighborhood.  
• Bodycam footage shows the officer not shooting anybody, not accusing him of having drugs in the car, and not asking what he was doing in that neighborhood.
• The man was not racially profiled - he failed to use his turn signal.
• Uh-oh, NAACP. The Race Card<tm> seems to have failed you.

Arizona is planning for INCOMING in case California has an earthquake.

Plans include portable Starbucks, smog trucked in from Los Angeles plastic surgeons to do emergent nose and breast jobs, individual tent mansions, indoor parking for Mercedes and up, and a stage for Berkeley to protest anything and everything, 24 hours a day. And no paper bags - only plastic.

Arizona is counting its blessings, already having way more than their share of illegal aliens, but hasn't yet figured out what to do to make the Californians comfortable around guns, which everybody owns. Because of their inflexibility on this issue, California has passed a resolution condemning Arizona's effort to help them and stating that they will boycott the state, preferring to take their personal environmentally green aircraft to a more friendly, socially conscious state, like... well.... they'll get back to us on this.

• Starbucks has ordered all locations to allow anyone to sit or use the rest room, regardless of whether or not they're customers.  Starbucks' regulars are worried about the place looking like a homeless camp. The only people pleased by this are the people who don't go to Starbucks. They're laughing so hard they see spots.

In a welcomed event for all airlines, today's headlines involve a passenger. Sort of.  Some old guy verbally and physically assaulted two women and touched one sleeping female passenger and later asked another woman about her sexual and marital life. Ok, here's the part where the airline could have done a bit better: they moved his seat, whereupon he urinated on the seat in front of him. He was arrested upon landing, then offered a movie deal by Adam Sandler.

• Speaking of Adam Sandler, a bunch of masked students recently ran into a school with water guns and firecrackers. I love me some black humor but there are some things even I won't do. High School Me is laughing and applauding.

In yet another giant step backwards for England, it is now going to protect its citizens from the 'wild west of the internet' by enacting new laws on social media. Those wacky Brits are heading down a dangerous path at record speeds. No knives over 3", no vegetable peelers or carpet knives, no swearing in public, continued refusal to drive on the correct side of the road, and jail time for insulting people online. What will they protect their citizens from next week? And are the citizens awake enough to notice this, no less do something about it?

• Oh God no - please... I just discovered a show called Paris Hilton - My New BFF. It was the last minute of the show, thankfully, as I was already pulling my hair out and losing the contents of my stomach from the last week. Have we truly reached End Times? Can they possibly come up with anything more inane, self-absorbed, or totally without redeeming content? I'll bet they can.

My hell is your entertainment, hopefully.

Let me start by saying that every f-ing time I try to order something online, I miss shopping in-person. And when I shop in-person, I miss online convenience.

Having said that, Amazon is cancer.

Just for fun, let's add two people who tend to be alpha in certain situations.

Don't use my account - I can't do it now, create your own.

Ok, I created it. It will only give me 2 day delivery if I do a trial of Amazon Prime.

Ok, do it.

No, we already have Prime. It's attached to your account.

Ok, fine, I'll do it on my phone. Write down what you want.

Write down? With a PEN? I can't do that. You don't want to see that.

[2 minutes later]

Is this what you wanted?

No.

I don't see it then.

So I create my own account and am ready to hit GO, when I realize they're going to charge me TAX. Originally tax was only charged if the seller was in the same state. I am not aware of an Amazon here, so I'm thinking the thieving bastards in the State capitol legislated their hands into our pockets. Again. To make matters more interesting, the shipping is taxed too.

Perhaps it would be helpful if Amazon used a little-known retail trick called Model Number. Sssshhhhhhh - it's a secret.  Think about this... we have two different computers with two similar searches and two different results. In fact, the item I'm looking to spend money on can not be brought up on her search at all, in any way.

We're doing our best, but the Strangle Urge is surfacing in both of us. Since Amazon is not physically present, it gets directed at each other [marriage counselors take note].

There are reviews, you know.

These headphones are almost the quality of my $300 Bose headphones.

These headphones suck.

These headphones are too tight.

Ignore the other reviews, the headphones are plenty large.

People tell me I sound like I was in a fishbowl.

The sound is crystal clear over the phone.

and these are the products with near 5 star ratings.

Finally I gave up and had her order something that looked similar with similar features. Both of us are alive and relatively unscathed. The dog is hiding upstairs, terrified of his parents. The police just left, but it's taking the SWAT team a while to get out of their vests and pack up the Armored Personnel Carrier the army gave them.

• It's been the saddest time in my car's life. Actually our life. Ever since the CD changer broke, we've had nothing but broadcast radio to listen to. Have you experienced the horror?  So I have to procure a new one.
• I know everybody has new stereos, with all sorts of whiz-bang features, but this is all new to me. I really like the Bluetooth compatibility. This will allow people in the back seat to play music, even if somebody in the front seat is already playing music.  It's a veritable bonanza of fun. Some units come with a remote control. WTF do you need a remote control for?  Again, the back seat people are laughing hysterically, playing with the controls. And they get all this fun at no cost to themselves!  If only they could Bluetooth the car for unplanned acceleration, help with the turn signals, and rolling up the window when the policeman is talking to the driver.
• I distinctly remember replacing the stereos in my very old cars. In fact, I wake up crying, screaming, and cursing precisely at 4am, so I will never forget. In fact, crying, screaming, and cursing is precisely what was required to get the box into the dash. Crutchfield makes it look so easy, with the adapters and recommendations and wire harnesses and B&D gear. It's their job to make it look easy, because they're total bastards and just like to make people suffer. At no extra charge.
• It's not that I'm old, but I don't trust any stereo that doesn't have knobs on both sides of the display.

Ever wonder what information Apple has on you?

Most of it is metadata, such as your IP and the IP you're going to, but not the content. You might want to have a look (I would, if I used any of their products). As harmless as this might look, any information can be combined with certain other information or details to come up with information you don't want anyone to have.

• So, just because the most hated entities in every category, cable providers, haven't been in the news in the past three days or so, Comcast has what's technically referred to as a Biggie. Your account and password has been exposed to the known universe. 
• Once again, a business entity has blamed 'a bug' for what is just Stupid Lack of Security and Human Error.
• Armed with an address and account number, anyone could get your login and password. Isn't that spiffy? The answer will come to you in plain text, as opposed to encrypted.
• Comcast removed the 'bug' and spoke thusly:

• "There's nothing more important than our customers' security," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that this doesn't happen again."
• Translated: "There's nothing more important than not getting caught," said a Comcast spokesperson. "Within hours of learning of this issue, we shut it down. We are conducting a thorough investigation and will take all necessary steps to ensure that we won't get caught again." 

Speaking of cars, BMW has made security its top priority after learning that many cars can be accessed with a few dollars of parts. Let's face it - nobody wants anybody to steal or mess with their car.  BMW is terrified of the possibility that a hacker will re-enable the long dormant turn signals.

• a New York high school will use CCTV and facial recognition to enforce discipline. This is the beginning of the slide. "It's for the children" was the cry for anything against the Fourth Amendment after 9-11. Now it's school shooters and discipline. The system will watch everything and identify the student 'after their picture is uploaded to the system'. Big Brother is now in school. Then of course it will be the little children, because we have to 'keep them safe'.

MIXED BLESSINGS

The ACLU sent a letter to Amazon, demanding they not provide their AI facial recognition system, Rekognition, to the government.  I like this.

The system can track people in crowds and identify them. You know governments everywhere will want it.   I don't like this.

The ACLU's letter includes: 

"...the company’s product is primed for abuse in the hands of governments, poses a grave threat to communities already unjustly targeted in the current political climate, and undermines public trust in Amazon"  We do not like the president and he spies on people.

"Particularly in the current political climate, we need to stop supercharged surveillance before it is used to track protesters, target immigrants, and spy on entire neighborhoods. We’re blowing the whistle before it’s too late.”  We really do not like the president, it has serious 4th Amendment concerns, and we really like illegal aliens."

“We already know that facial recognition algorithms discriminate against Black faces, and are being used to violate the human rights of immigrants,”  Racism! We like to think illegal aliens have rights as non-citizens of this country. We have completely lost our focus as a group.

• Securus, the previously mentioned company that gives law enforcement your phone tracking information, got hacked. 2,800 logins and passwords were stolen. The irony is thick.

NOT THE ONION
Our good friends over at Faceyspaces (UK, US, Canada) are asking you to send them your intimate photos to stop revenge porn.

No, really.

"..photos will only be seen by "a very small group of about five specially trained reviewers"

Sure they will. Because everybody respects privacy, especially at Faceyspaces. Just send us your naked pictures and we promise not to look at them.

we shall never see another and we are the worse for it

Kill the Turkey

Turkey reheated.
Turkey sandwiches.
Turkey soup.
Stuffing sandwiches.
Throw out the bloody cranberry lump that Aunt Joan made to look like it just came out of a can, complete with lines....

• So the Remaining Royal got engaged. Fortunately there's absolutely nothing else going on in the known universe, so television, news, the internet, and people on the street can be completely absorbed in this great bloody nonsense. 
• As a Murkin, I'll obviously never understand the Royals and Britain's Royal Fascination. Not to mention the finances and ancient nefarious connections.
• Out here in the Real World<tm>, it turns out that people get engaged, marry, get knocked up, and divorce all the time.  Not one of us rates a notice, news story, or full Social Media Blitz.
• Sometimes, before or after engagement, sperm hits its target and a pregnancy results. Again, not so much as two lines on Faceyspaces, with four likes. The morning 'news' program has spent two full days on this. When we got married, we sent out email announcements. Not a single response, because everyone thought we were kidding. Imagine - me, kidding!

WARNING: if you need to wear a shirt with GORGEOUS or sweatpants with BOOTYLICIOUS on them, you're not.

• But it's ok - for the rest of us, who are sick of Royal News, there is still time to catch the ponderous, endless stream of Dog the Bounty Hunter marathon on A&E.
• Mrs. Dog, sadly, has cancer. This is not a problem for the show, which smelled ratings!
• If possible, they are going to livestream her chemo. Yes, the guy whose dog just went through chemo is now making human chemo jokes.

Those of you who survived Turkey Day lived to see Black Friday. This is a manufactured event, in which people are supposed to buy Stuff that's supposed to be on sale. Some of these deep-researching geniuses have come up with the perfect item that must be purchased and wait in line to purchase it, sometimes in tents. Things get interesting when they somehow manage to get inside the store. Things get even more interesting when there are tv cameras there, which document the carnage for the area and the rest of the world, via YouTube, to see. People pushing, people shoving, people taking sharp and blunt objects to each other - and that's in the parking lot. This is a sociology experiment gone really wrong twenty years ago, hence its repetition every year.

So you've pretty much digested your turkey and the alarm went off at 3am, and here you are at [insert generic electronics store that is not at all Best Buy], with the doors just opening and General Unrest rearing his ugly head. The great mass of (in)humanity surges toward the door. Unfortunately, physics dictates that the width of the great mass of humanity go through the choke point of two doors, so humanity goes ahead and chokes. Each other, if necessary. People have died by falling and being Trampled Underfoot (2nd song reference - did you get the first?). After hopefully making it through the doors, you vault ahead, as if shot from a slingshot, to the... I dunno.. where did we want to go?

The Prepared Shopper, whose tent is insulated and has flowing booze, sprints right to their preferred, highly-researched item. Oh, so sorry... the large screen tv that takes up an entire wall and connects to your neural pathways, is not in stock. You discover that there was only one for sale anyway, and that went to Ralph, the manager's girlfriend's special son, the previous evening. Oh well, at least you got to stay in a freezing parking lot overnight.

The Real Hip Genuine 2000s Smart Consumer, who really has her shit together, has also been doing her research, but only for what's coming on Cyber Monday. This is a veritable online orgy of alleged deals from innumerable retail outlets, only these don't require a tent or getting up at 4am, hence it doesn't really count as Family Time. These poor slobs have also been deluded into the false belief that there are some actual deals to be had. While there are no apparent limits on large screen tvs for sale, you will run into them in terms of finding out they're no longer in stock, approximately two days before Christmas. 

This shit is mandatory, in case you didn't get the email.

The email, by the way, promised deals in every department, backed up by incredibly annoying tv commercials, featuring singing flipping boxes, belting out the worst vomitous soft classic rock tunes from your misspent youth. 

This email is markedly different from the email from a random Nigerian prince, promising you untold wealth, if you'd only send him your banking information. It turns out you can't even pirouette in Nigeria without hitting a prince.

If you happen to be a musician and mysteriously got on the emailing list for Guitar Center, you're in for a real treat. I counted eleven emails over the weekend, all with promotions for Black Friday and Cyber Monday, plus a 25% discount coupon, good on anything in the store, except for two paragraphs of exceptions at the bottom of the email. If you take the time to do the math, you can save 25% on your choice of (new only) guitar picks or those tiny little rubber things that go on the bottom of boxes so they don't slip. This is the package of six tiny little things, not the thirteen piece pack. I expect their manager to be personally knocking on my door tomorrow, asking why I haven't used my coupon yet. He already sent me three emails. When he comes by, I'll ask him about left-handed guitars. The coupon, of course, applies to new lefty guitars, but they happen to be out of them. And when I say out of them, I mean they don't stock them, or happen to be caught naked with two cheapies hanging on the wall, one of which is used, which is not covered by the coupon. For some reason, it would cause grievous bodily harm to order a few lefty guitars for southpaw customers. Perhaps even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'd feel terrible if I inadvertently caused this with my selfish demands for a guitar I could actually play.

After you have completed this conspiracy by retail to further separate you from your money, there is a Brand New imaginary invented day: Giving Tuesday. This is the day you're allegedly supposed to give to charity.  The very clever joke here is that this day was also invented by the retail sector. It makes them look great and also disguises the fact that by the time you're done with Black Friday and Cyber Monday, you have absolutely nothing left to Giving Tuesday. It's brilliant in concept and execution. You don't even have room on your credit cards, which were so maxed out, you had to get a few more. If you're in the UK, you can get them in 39% or 59% interest, and payday loans up to the minimally impacting rate of 1239%. Yes, that's right - you read that right (third song reference), 1239 percent.  In fact, as soon as you get the money conveniently deposited in your checking account the next day, Uncle Luigi comes by to collect the vig. If you don't happen to have it the next day, Luigi says that's fine, the amount you owe has been 'adjusted upward' to 2977%. This is grand progress from the days when Luigi would break a few of your limbs. Payday Loans have realized they can hurt you far worse than physically by interest and credit reporting alone.

So if I, for some strange reason, happen to have a few shekels left to divest myself of, I conveniently have an entire inbox of Helpful Suggestions. Even the libertarian party has an appeal. To be absolutely honest, and I am scrupulously honest, as you read several times per week, there's an organization called Oldies But Goodies, which finds homes for older cockers. I'm pretty sure it's tax-deductible. A few hard-earned dollars went there, before our own issues with an even older cocker. Screw the humans - there's no hope for them. Give to dogs (and even cats) whose situation is caused by humans, and can be remedied with a few of your dollars.  Give money, in-person help, pet food, and blankets to your local SPCA. Overbreeding, lack of spay/neuter, and pure human stupidity have landed these poor guys there.

SHIT - I have actually promoted the thing I just got done skewering.

• My house is weird. You probably just shot your coffee out your nose, all over the screen, and said, "No!"
• It lags the outside temperature by strange amounts, so that when it's warm outside, it's freezing inside. I don't actually know this until I go outside, and I don't go outside because Bad Things Happen when I go outside.
• In fact, whenever I open the front door, the neighbors yell at me not to let all my cold air outside and make it cooler for the rest of them.
• Pretty soon I'll be the only house on the block with windows open after Thanksgiving.

Abandoned Army and NSA Intelligence Sharing System data was left exposed to the public on an unsecured server. These are the people 'protecting' us and 'keeping us safe'. Mostly just spying on us.

• The UK, long known for systems, spying, and intel, has decreed that porn sites must age-verify, so children under eighteen do not access videos of people performing relatively normal human activities. Just imagine the fun that will ensue once this data gets stolen due to a not-protected server somewhere. Plus, you raise wonderfully-adjusted children when you brand sex 'dirty'.

An important court case is being brought by the ACLU (for people who think they do nothing good, here's an example of why they do). The government, which, as mentioned early, 'protects' us by spying on us, maintains that you have no expectation of privacy when you voluntarily give out information. Information, in this context, is your cell phone's location data, only you haven't freely given it out. The case attempts to overturn a guilty ruling for a person convicted of a crime via location data, obtained without a warrant. The spy agencies maintain that they don't need a warrant to spy on you. You'll note that this is a popular, recurring thing. They will spy anyway, so this is just window dressing to make it look like they're not violating Fourth Amendment protections. Law is ill-prepared to deal with electronic communications and advancements. Use your imagination as to why the government would prefer not to rely on your constitutional rights and protections.

• Bulletproof Coffee has informed customers that although their coffee is bulletproof, their network isn't. 

Marshall's treatments approach the finish line. The last chemo appointment was last week, stopped one treatment early because he's doing so well. This week, his bloodwork came up just fine. Next week is a visual inspection to see if there are any lesions left. Meanwhile, the New and Improved Marshall is ramping up the annoying of his parents, whining pitifully for everything his little heart desires. This usually takes place when they are doing something important.

No matter how intelligent he is, and he's frightening, he still drinks from the toilet.

• Here's a great headline: "French president Macron says gender-based insults will become a crime, punishable by law."
• Countries are criminalizing speech. Spoiled as we are by our First Amendment, this is shocking. Freedom of speech includes speech that you do not agree with - potentially ugly speech, that you'd prefer not to hear. Political correctness (social justice warriors) demands censoring speech with which they do not agree). The fact that this is infecting entire countries is worrisome. It's like a bad nightmare from old science fiction come true.
• The point of this exercise is "educating the public and schoolchildren about sexism and violence against women."  What this means is that men are not allowed to say bad words about women, but it will be perfectly ok for women to say what they like to and about men. Isn't that wonderful?

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios? No.

• While we're all happy happy joy joy, I'll leave you with this small rant: we recently had our car's windshield replaced. When this happens, the service will give you the piece of the original glass, containing your stickers. All went incredibly well. This was followed in rapid succession by a number of police stops, demanding to know where the stickers were. Fortunately, they were all fielded by Mrs. lefty, who was none too pleased at the opportunity. Once the relevant documents were produced, the police smiled and she went on her way, semi-unmolested.
• Today's visit with the local constabulary produced nastiness and attitude on the part of the policeman. When the documents were produced, he angrily went on about how this wasn't supposed to be like this. Well, what would you like done and what are the legal specifics on it, Officer?  The kind gentleman then gave her a legal warning. Thank you, Officer Dickhead. There's always one.
• I suggested keeping the piece of windshield on the dash to avoid aggravation. Wife said this was a good idea, except when stopping quickly, when the glass would turn into a projectile. Well, yeah... there is that.

I gave up trying to find stuff years ago and now just ask

Anal Probing by Illegal Aliens

Australia has many scenic views and an endless supply of deadly fauna. Australia also has female traffic light signals. Not to be outdone, London's Trafalgar Square has gay marriage-celebrating signals. Because the government has already cured cancer and has some time on its hands. But it gets better - Australia's Minister for Women said that it would make public space more inclusive of women. Because women felt they couldn't cross the street before this?

• Many police departments across the country are maintaining their own DNA databases.  The ACLU is suing San Diego over warrantless collection of DNA of a minor without parental consent. Apparently this process allows police to skirt state and federal laws about who they can collect from and how long the samples can be retained. Loopholes are magnificent, aren't they?

Stop what you are doing this very minute and watch Star Trek - Libertarian Edition.

• Just in case you were bored today, the latest Wikileaks is most interesting. It concerns the CIA and its spying/hacking army. Among other things, how malware can turn androids, iDevices, Windows computers, smart cars, and smart TVs into listening devices. Yeah, I'm tinfoil hat. Yeah, I made it all up and this release is just coincidental fiction.

If there's one thing I learned in my life so far, it's that I'm not that good at mornings.

• Faceyspaces has a program to report and remove images of child abuse (that haven't already been removed). Journalist reports child abuse images. Faceyspaces reports him to the police. Don't. Use. Faceyspaces.
• In other news, Faceyspaces plans to update its algorithms to "listen" for people who are in danger of suicide (warning - FB.com link). This is a refreshing change from listening for people who are in danger of not being accurately marketed to in a targeted fashion. No word yet on who this data will be sold to.

On International Women's Day, we celebrate women and their contributions. We also note that women are taking off work to celebrate and march in parades; thus nullifying their input for the day. This is akin to everyone taking off work on Labor Day. We also eagerly anticipate International Left-Handers' Day.

• Reaction to the Wikileaks CIA spying story has been swift for cell phone OSes. Based upon vpn use, antivirus manufacturer F-Secure has stated that 80% of iDevice users have the latest OS; they tend to update quickly. The outlook is not so good for android users, because phone manufacturers are slow to distribute OS updates. While the Nordics (F-secure area) have a high percentage of android 6 and 7, most of the world still uses 4 and 5. Android users: bug your phone manufacturer and make sure you're current. Check your OS version in Settings.
• The nice folks who wrote the Notepad++ program have fixed a .dll file process by which the CIA could hack the program and monitor what goes on in the background. While this is by no means foolproof, it will prevent the program from loading anything other than the proper .dll file. This will not prevent problems if the hackers are already there or if the notepad++.exe file is replaced. Credit where credit is due.
• Meanwhile the CIA says Americans should be deeply troubled by Wikileaks' latest leak. I think most of us would tend to agree, just not for for the reason the CIA states ("jeopardizing personnel and operations"). Nowhere does the CIA address jeopardizing citizens' rights and privacy.
• Curious about what the CIA thinks of your antivirus?

Confide, a secure messaging application very popular with White House aides, has been discovered to have "multiple security vulnerabilities of varying severities", proving that DC cannot even hide questionable thoughts or misdeeds correctly.

• A while back I reported on the US government trying to get records from an Amazon Echo's spying to help their murder case. The Echo is Amazon's version of Google's Alexa, that sits there and processes requests (what is the weather, set reminder to call Mom, how late is Costco open?). At question is anything Echo might have recorded during a murder. The trick here is that Echo (and Alexa) isn't supposed to record anything that isn't preceded by  "Echo" (or "Alexa"). Amazon decided not to fight the subpoena and submitted to demands for the recordings because the defendant said he didn't mind the recordings being submitted to prosecutors. Amazon could have and should have fought this on privacy principles. Next time it could be your data.

Things are always more interesting at Walmart. The St Augustine, FL, police were called to Walmart, due to the 4-5' shark found in the parking lot. Yes, it was a whale of a sale.

Not to be outdone, Vilano Beach, FL, found a shark in a driveway. Sorry, Charlie.

• Yes is to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this year. Asked why it took so long, a spokesman said it was because Donna Summer, Green Day, Joan Jett, Michael Jackson, NWA, Public Enemy, RUN-DMC, and Tupak needed room.

Happy International Women's Day!
I am a dead man