You've Got A Nice Angina

Welcome, folks.
We're at this precarious balance between Captivity and Running Around, so we're not ruling anything out. The Venutians could land tomorrow and it would all be off, knowwhatImean?

Restaurants are allowing indoor seating! (but you have to wear a mask)
Malls are welcoming customers, but you have to wear a thong.
You can get a haircut, but you have to go naked. Know those little hairs that cause so much grief? It will not work out well.


I itch like a mf-er.
This is not normal.
After inspection, it appears I got eaten up by something of the insectual variety.
Notice Mrs lefty isn't eating me up and causing bumps.  Ok, this might not be good.



The Uber PC Crowd Follies continues, this time in even weirder ways.

1. Advertisers are pulling out of Faceyspaces. Led by a left wing hate group, the Anti Defamation League, its demands are hiring a “C-suite level executive with civil rights expertise to evaluate products and policies for discrimination, bias, and hate.” Now let's see.... a completely unrelated entity is telling huge corporations who to hire. Perfectly reasonable. Upside Down World continues, but gets weirder. I can't stand Faceyspaces, but I have to side with them... they're a private corporation - they don't need to bow to the agitators. I saw a video where people were talking about aliens, and the ADL referred to that as antisemitic.
2. Reddit, one of the ugliest and nicest places on the net just purged over 2,000 subreddits, including The_Donald. Reddit started as a free speech outlet, then started whittling away what they didn't like, claiming to retain the free speech title. I haven't seen the list of what got sent packing, but I never visited The_Donald. Why would I? If I had the keys to Reddit, I'd keep it open, in the spirit of free speech, and because I used to hold Reddit up as a bastion of free speech.
3. As it has been, the only truly free place to speak is Gab.

Speaking of Gab, their Visa payment processor dropped them, for 'hate speech.'

This is not new or surprising. What is surprising is that Andrew Torba, Gab's CEO, is blacklisted by Visa, as is his wife. Neither of them will be able to do business with Visa. It might go even further.... 

'Stop using our pain to attract black consumers'

I'm laughing... not at anyone's pain, but at the fact that almost everyone has a Black Lives Matter bit in their ads. Even Guitar Center.

Gucci owner Kering will have a new person on board, to try to reduce its environmental impact. Yes, no greater an environmental champion than Emma Watson has joined the board. Who knew playing Hermione had the built in benefit of conferring Environmental Impact Specialist upon the broom-rider.

Go ahead and laugh, but next week I start as a Good Taste Consultant with the Metropolitan Ballet.

In a tweet that was later deleted, rapper Gucci Mane (Susan Smith) called his label 'polite racist.'  He's just posturing for a date with Hermione.  See how I strung that together? Imma call myself Fender Pate.

The president says he's heard some interesting things about Roswell, but he's not sharing, even with his eldest child. What he tells his children is his choice, but I hereby demand he tell the American public, who are overdue for an explanation. I'd bet Trump knows something - he's somewhat incapable of keeping his mouth shut.

33,000 Floridians may have incorrect results from their Flying AIDS tests.

This entire pandemic is a shit show and nobody has any idea what they're doing. By design?

Joe Biden said he would make masks required in public if he were president.

He would also make half the people wear those whirligig hats, and the other half wear the ones with the arrow through them. 

As all good people must, I went to the dentist the other day.

The place looked like Fly by Night Dentistry. The voices were telling me "RUN RUN!" but it took so much to get me to a doctor in the first place, I stuck it out.

As you'd expect, I caused a ruckus when I wouldn't let them copy my license. Three members of their staff spoke to me on this Heavy Matter<tm>, finally deciding that the ugly face on the license matched the ugly face in the chair, so I was me. This came as both relief and horror to Mrs lefty: she'd prefer that I were someone else. Anyone else.

As per prophecy, the office was a regular UN, with America, China, and Ukraine in attendance, at very least. And the gay guy. The gay guy did not like me, which is just fine - I don't need acquaintances that sneer behind my back at me. The Ukrainian tech made most of my cells do a little dance. The way I saw it, there were few obstacles between us: my wife, her fiancee, and my looks. And of course there was the stereotypical black girl with the attitude and large posterior. After drawing up a lesson plan, with costs, insurance payments, and copayments, they turned me loose. The did not perform a single Dental Thing - they just let me go. They told me my copayment for the next visit, but I noticed they never told me the total - they just sent me home with the estimate. This might have had something to do with the 4 figure total for copays. I already put the vet's kids through school, I'm not doing it for the dentist too.

I noticed that nobody looked like my former dentist, Dr Mengele, so I'm hoping for better results. Either his work was subpar or I've been in there, pulling stuff out and messing around. It took all I had to get me to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to do it again. This plan is not what the environment people would call sustainable.  They might have to get a trebuchet and launch me through the front window.

RIP Carl Reiner (98) 

A funny funny man.

You're Not as Good at That as You Think You Are

A woman called 911 because someone 'stole her heart.'
I'm not 100% positive, but there might've been drugs involved.

• Today's Florida News: Zookeeper injured by rhino.
• Wanda Smith (84) missed a turn, headed for dinner at 3pm, and wound up in the rhino exhibit.

Dear lefty:

• Why do you watch those aircraft crash shows?
• So I can identify my body after a crash.

Wife gave her sister's dog a toy. Every time Wife visits, the dog brings the toy over to her.

Either the dog shows uncommon intelligence or he really wants her to return it.

• To my British cousins: you have til April 1 to get your Porn Licence, if you want to surf pr0n on the web. If this doesn't cause a riot, you people are doomed.

Family get togethers were sometimes fun while growing up. Mostly to be avoided.

Now that we're older, it's a different kind of hideous: it has become political. 

I couldn't help noticing the democratic wing was at the left side of the table and the old fart republicans were on the right. I noticed that there were great similarities among the democrats. As the lone libertarian, I sat a little off center. Strangely enough, I found I had more in common with the republican wing than the democrats. To rephrase, I found I didn't hate the republican ideas as much as I hated the democratic ideas. These same democratic ideals made it to a later get together, when little children were wearing Ruth Ginsburg t-shirts. C'mon, leave the kids out of it, please. They'll make their own mistakes as they get older. Like religion, your endless harping will drive them in the opposite direction.  You know, because I have extensive child-rearing experience.

Stolen from Twitter:

• I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life

I stumbled into some interesting music videos online. A lot of them were from Eric Clapton's guitar concerts. I just saw Springsteen bring John Fogerty to the stage. This is actually the first time I've seen Springsteen; forgive me - I only watched it for Fogerty. The man's a classic. Sheryl Crow was out and about, which is great for me. Albert Lee, Vince Gill, Keb Mo, and others were twanging away. Vince Gill is humongous. His guitars looked more like belts that guitars. Highly recommended. vaughnlive.tv has a ton of channels.




Dear lefty:

• What's the only thing worse than a Springsteen concert?
• Two Springsteen concerts
• I can't even get a rise out of the people who get here from Google searches on Springsteen.

Allow me to summarize the R. Kelly fracas:

R. Kelly grew up in a family so poor, his mother couldn't afford a first name. This haunted him all his life, so he screwed underage girls. It's clear cause and effect, Your Honor.

• Definition of creepy: you call your phone provider to make a payment
• It says, "Hello, [first name]."

Because of the abject failure of Vanilla Coke, Coke has introduced Orange Vanilla Coke. Coke obviously gets the good drugs.

• Don't forget to keep up with your Stupid Buzzwords: This week it's Rom Com (romantic comedy).

Happy as a clam?

How does one measure happiness in a bivalve?

Is there a Clam Happiness Scale?

• Know what's great about this time of year?
• Very little, except for Reese's products with white fudge instead of chocolate. They have my endorsement.

Dog, The Peroxide Hunter:
Yes, I've mentioned this before. A lot.
It flummoxes me every time, just tuning past it.
It's still on the air, meaning people are still watching it.
How is this so?

• I've also mentioned the phenomena when I'm running the fan, I can hear the tv in the next room. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the tv isn't on. It could save all sorts of cable fees if I could change the channel that isn't on, but that's not likely.
• Today I heard the tv again, but this time the fan wasn't running. Excited to see how the inadvertent experiment was coming along, I discovered I was outsmarted: the tv was on anyway.
• This does not help my mood.

The Quick Brown Fox Gets Run Over Early

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Thinking of Becoming a Chimney Sweep

The clothing allowance sucks and sex on the job always involves the fire department.



So sue me: I watch science shows.
Particularly good are the ones featuring Bob Ballard. He wears a hat, so you can't miss him.
He also has some expensive equipment and tiny Hyundais that can withstand the incredible pressure of the deep sea. The pressure could crush most things on the planet, except possibly Dick Cheney.

Ballard manages to find stuff. Life finds a way, and does so in most environments, even the very deep sea. They're called extremophiles - they even exist in space; proving that politicians will exist everywhere. There are all sorts of things down there, like large tubes that shoot out hot black stuff, medium tubes that shoot out carbon dioxide [CRbN Ox2], and small tubes that shoot out commercials. Much life is black because they can't see at that depth, plus it's impossible to get laundry service below 500 feet.  Remember: nothing down there has nipples, in case that affects your plans.

Make sure you phone ahead for a reservation: they don't get many visitors, and you're likely to interrupt things you don't want to see.

Ballard's theory is that life began in the sea. I agree with him, but then the aliens genetically modified sea life and produced us. The things we see in the skies are the aliens returning. This is a bit of bad luck.. they'll take one look at the place and halt the experiment immediately and violently.

• Hey, if you 'just happen to 'peruse' the adult Wife Lovers website, it's been hacked and the information you never put there is in the wild. The explanation for the hack is very technical: it was protected by a 40 year old encryption method that can be cracked by moose (even Clyde, the special moose).
• Double disappointment here: your information is for sale AND the site is down.

Remember the story about the Chinese inserting a tiny chip on Super Micro motherboards that would grant them access to the entire server? Me neither.

Super Micro rushed to action and just now put out a release. They have maintained all along that there is no such thing. Even the Department of Homeless Security and the US Securities and Exchange Commission agree it didn't happen. DHS said, "We... I mean.. They did not plant a single chip on motherboards, on the upper right hand side, next to resistor R34 and the remote detonator." Amazon never found anything, and in a press release said, "We found nothing, and we are prepared to back this up by actually looking at the motherboard next time." Even that stupid geeky kid from the commercials agrees.

Super Micro, in their defense, has to begin a multi-million dollar investigation to prove something doesn't exist. This is a logical fallacy, like the alt-right taking over Hollywood. In sympathy, I have volunteered the staff and readers of ThermionicEmissions to prove honest politicians exist.

At no point has anybody asked WHY ARE WE USING CHINESE PARTS in critical systems?

• Amazon wants ICE to buy its facial recognition software.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• As if ICE isn't already using it.

If you're ever in the kind of mood that makes life worth living, ask yourself if the Return on Investment on ICE is in the positive range. If that hasn't torpedoed your mood, ask if the entire government's ROI is in the positive range. That should take care of any remaining positivity until I come up with another question.

• We have spoken of hacks caused by open Amazon buckets. The obvious answer is to keep your buckets closed. The interesting piece of information here is that the buckets are closed by default: you have to open them on purpose. We is perfeshunells.

Kaley Cuoco is on the cover of some women's magazine, looking pretty nice. Kaley and I have a long history, what with her calling all the time. My wife got tired of telling her not to call again, even though she knows I'm faithful. She called again after her first marriage imploded (I told her not to do it). Anyway, if you look at the magazine cover closely, her lips are actually saying 'lefty'. Check it out.

• I just wanted everyone to know that if I can't get the visitor numbers up, I will write more.

"I like Diet Coke - it's super good.

I like putting together furniture. I'm also into friends who leave voice messages."

Normally, I can tell what advertisements are up to. This one baffles me. 

Is it because I'm not 20-something? Because I have a brain? Because I don't fuck chickens?

Do you think I can sell this through lefty's Ad Agency?

"I like Coke. I hate Diet Coke. In fact, the only thing worse than Diet Coke is Diet Pepsi.  I like pissing people off. I'm also into sex before the first date. Did you know Coke can be used to strip paint on cars?" If you put high fructose corn syrup on your nipples, they grow to an enormous size.

• It's not that this show is old, but the laptops have floppy drives

Dear lefty, Security 'Expert':

lefty, my radio app goes out to Russia. Are they trying to hack my phone?
     - Blue in Antarctica

Dear Frigid:
No, they're trying to influence eyebrow fashions. The solution to this, and all cell phone problems, is mistakenly dropping it in the toilet and accidentally flushing.

• I will always be freaked out by the shows about guys with four or more wives. I won't watch any of them, but the concept makes my head spin... four times the bitching, four times the kids, and four women who won't sleep with him.

• Out of 7.6 billion people on the planet, you're definitely one of them.*

*World population has experienced continuous growth since the end of the Great Famine of 1315–17 and the Black Death in 1350.   Good times...




Please... I beg of you.. stop the nonsense..... there's apparently a tv show called Black Jesus.

• Why not Martian Jesus... he'd be green, like me.
• Further, I demand a show called White Oprah
• all Asian sports teams - especially basketball and hockey.
• Law and Order SUV, featuring an all Mexican cast with heavy accents
• M*A*S*H with blacks: who else would the army put in the middle of a war? They could do a lot with Klinger....
• the Jackson family tribute, with white, female musicians

I read something about what Jesus looked like. They used actual science to demonstrate it. The first point was Jesus is pictured as a caucasian fellow with a beard, but Jesus didn't really look like an Allman Brother. Jesus probably looked exactly like anyone else at the time (because if not, it would have gone worse for him. Worse than crucifixion?).

I don't have the picture they used, but it was kinda similar to Saul Rubinek, a semitic looking guy with dark hair, maybe a beard. Saul was in Warehouse 13 and might have appeared briefly in an original Star Trek episode.

I got some of that Jamie Lee Curtis Activia Probiotic yogurt, largely because Mrs lefty bought some. As I ate it, I looked at the label: thousands of probiotics in this yogurt!  It made me sick. I can almost see the little bastards, congregating on top of the yogurt, mocking me. And I'm supposed to eat that shit?

Let's face it.. yogurt is kinda limited, flavorwise. I can tolerate strawberry and blueberry, but that's about it. It's not like they have very chocolate. There's a vanilla, but it's too subtle. They have lemon too, but seriously.. Plus you can only get low fat or no fat varieties. What about high fat? Rocky Road? Crunchy Frog? Oreo? Chocolate chip cookie, perhaps. Currently they have gravel, which isn't much variety.

I've been feeling kinda icky lately... tired, achy, sneezy... thinking back, it coincides with the start of eating healthy...   Coincidence? I think not.

• Internet of Things sales are slowing down in Europe and the US, due to privacy concerns. I am so proud of you....

I suspect we are about to see the most serious, violent response ever to a security breach. The Girl Scouts may have had a breach. If people aren't able to get their Thin Mints, there will be rioting in the streets. I would not bet on the safety of the hacker. On the positive side, hackers will seriously reconsider their hacking activities.

• If you're from the US and find yourself entering Canada, on purpose or through error, you might want to consider leaving your medical marijuana at home. Canada does not recognize medical pot. You will be arrested. If there is over a certain amount, you'll be charged for smuggling drugs into Canada. Your vehicle might be seized until you pay a fine. You might even be thrown in jail for intent to sell.
• Oddly enough, they don't seize antidepressants.
• On the third hand, if you bring pot into another country, maybe some jail time will get through your thick skull that this is not a smart idea.
• If you're really bored and have some time to burn, bring in a tiny sealed baggie of baking soda.

Parking Wars: a bunch of people screaming because they don't read or don't care, then blaming the ticket writer or tow operator.

• Ever listen to the radio, hear a great song from one of your favorite bands, then go completely cold? I heard our local rock(HA!) station playing Little Feat. I started shivering, like they were going to announce one of them died. They don't play my favorite groups on the radio....
• I just checked... no deaths mentioned. I did find out that in 1975, Jimmy Page said they were his favorite American band. Wow.. imagine hearing that....

PENNY NEWS

She has just stolen her first (white) Oreo. She officially approves.

She has already stolen about four stuffed Eeyores. This will cost us quite a bit in Eeyore Replacement. Only Eeyores..... Marshall ate Eeyores too. Must be a dog thing.

Due to discovering several hitherto undiscovered escape holes in the fence, we have to walk her on a leash in her own yard. Can you see me repairing fences? I'd probably use the wrong tool (explosives, the car). 

She's another in a long line of tissue shredders. There's apparently something irresistible about shredding tissues. Can any of my readers elaborate? Can you ask your dogs, please?

Being an English Cocker, she barks with an accent. She has signaled her desire to be 'more than friends' with my leg.

She steals anything edible held under 5' and thinks the tissue box is a snack dispenser. Let's be gross here (still): her output is strewn with white tissue bits. Talk about fiber....



I've Had It

Know what I hate?
Everything.

Yeah, that's my normal attitude, but it's getting worse. I spend time on Twitter, and Reddit, meeting nice people and talking guitar. The political shit and vicious attitudes are completely out of hand - it's downright toxic. I used to shake my head at people who took 'twitter vacations', but now I understand. If I were to purge the political folks from my view, it would be interesting. And unearthly quiet. Regardless, I'm going to be cutting my participation down and somehow eliminating politics. I'm telling you this because I know you care (and you've stopped reading by now). If you choose to do something similar, it's quite possible your mood will improve. Maybe more than just your mood.

Are you sick of social media crap? Other crap?
Have you taken a vacation from it? How did that work out?
If it didn't, call 1-800-Jerry-Springer and maybe you'll be on the show. You will have to pass the chair-throwing and ugly tests first. You must also take an IQ test (and fail).

I'm Having One of Those Days Again

Nothing serious, just work stuff around my unreasonable expectations.

What are unreasonable expectations?  I'll tell you, in the form of a story.

Since it was lunchtime, I went to the kitchen to wash my hands and heat up my food.  The sink had no soap.  Needing a fork, I went to the silverware drawer, only to discover there were no forks.  There were spoons - lots of spoons.  In fact both the spoon spot and the knife spot were full of spoons.  But no forks.

We have soda machines.  Yes, we do...  for an outrageous sum, you can purchase the high fructose corn syrup-infused beverage of your choice, provided said beverage isn't Coke.  Last week someone blew up a picture of a Coke bottle to twice its size and taped it to the soda machine, with the word `Please' written on it.

In the Old Days (which, in this case, means last year or so), one could make a request and see it fulfilled by the next day or so.  We were all excited because we were going to be able to purchase Coke.  Within a few days, Coke failed to appear.  In fact, Coke stubbornly refused to show up in that machine for weeks.

We're a big outfit and we have two kitchen areas.  Sometimes I head out to the other end of the building (county) to see what the other machine has in store for me.  It's also a great place to find silverware when there isn't any in the normal lunchroom.  Since this area is closer to the VIPs, it is always well-stocked.  Our lunchroom is the bastard red-headed stepchild of the company.

You could have knocked me over with a feather because, standing right there where the soda machines stand, was a brand spankin' new Coke machine!  I almost ran across the room, in slow motion, like lovers do across a field, to purchase my first actual Coke.

You know what's coming, right?

I found Coke!  Well, when I say Coke, I mean Cherry Coke; which was fine that particular day.  Had I desired Diet Coke, I could have found that in spades, as well as in the Pepsi machine in our lunchroom.  Since I prefer to choose my cancers carefully, I do not drink diet anything.

Hours later I had to hit the men's room.  Judging by the small pond on the floor, I might not have been the only one.  It's been sitting there for two days and doesn't have any (visible) life.  Doesn't look like good fishing anyway.  After I washed my hands, which not all coworkers do, I discovered the paper towel machine cracked open, with no paper towels in it.

Sigh.

I turned to the other paper towel machine, which was completely full of paper towels, but alas, also full of dead batteries, so it wouldn't dispense the much-needed towels.  No matter, my hands were almost dry by that point anyway.

Fast forward to this morning, in the men's room again.  Automated soap dispenser was out of soap.  But there were paper towels.

My company is full of germphobes and compulsive hand-washers.  Outside of every bathroom and every ten feet thereafter on the walls, are water-free hand cleaner dispensers.   As of last month, all the soap dispensers and paper towel dispensers were automatic so all you had to do was wave your hand beneath it.  This is especially amusing when it allots you three inches of paper towel with which to dry your hands.  This is not a money or resource-saving measure; it's just the batteries wearing down.

The only place where you can pour your own soap is the kitchen.  While there was a soap sighting today, the (manual) paper towel dispenser was empty.  But there were forks.  And still no knives.

As one would expect, there was nothing to drink in the Pepsi machine except Diet Coke and other non-palatable items.  Trudging over to the next county, I headed straight for the brand new Coke machine.

Wait for it!!

There was no Coke.

In the Coke machine.

The machine with huge the red and white illustration.  Of Coke.
The machine with the wondrous inner workings which whisk your beverage on its merry way to you with great flourish.


But at least there was Diet Pepsi.