You're Not as Good at That as You Think You Are

A woman called 911 because someone 'stole her heart.'
I'm not 100% positive, but there might've been drugs involved.

• Today's Florida News: Zookeeper injured by rhino.
• Wanda Smith (84) missed a turn, headed for dinner at 3pm, and wound up in the rhino exhibit.

Dear lefty:

• Why do you watch those aircraft crash shows?
• So I can identify my body after a crash.

Wife gave her sister's dog a toy. Every time Wife visits, the dog brings the toy over to her.

Either the dog shows uncommon intelligence or he really wants her to return it.

• To my British cousins: you have til April 1 to get your Porn Licence, if you want to surf pr0n on the web. If this doesn't cause a riot, you people are doomed.

Family get togethers were sometimes fun while growing up. Mostly to be avoided.

Now that we're older, it's a different kind of hideous: it has become political. 

I couldn't help noticing the democratic wing was at the left side of the table and the old fart republicans were on the right. I noticed that there were great similarities among the democrats. As the lone libertarian, I sat a little off center. Strangely enough, I found I had more in common with the republican wing than the democrats. To rephrase, I found I didn't hate the republican ideas as much as I hated the democratic ideas. These same democratic ideals made it to a later get together, when little children were wearing Ruth Ginsburg t-shirts. C'mon, leave the kids out of it, please. They'll make their own mistakes as they get older. Like religion, your endless harping will drive them in the opposite direction.  You know, because I have extensive child-rearing experience.

Stolen from Twitter:

• I was standing in the line at McDonald's yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said 'you are the best sister ever' and walked away and the girl in McDonald's looked at me in disgust and I've never wanted to die so much in my life

I stumbled into some interesting music videos online. A lot of them were from Eric Clapton's guitar concerts. I just saw Springsteen bring John Fogerty to the stage. This is actually the first time I've seen Springsteen; forgive me - I only watched it for Fogerty. The man's a classic. Sheryl Crow was out and about, which is great for me. Albert Lee, Vince Gill, Keb Mo, and others were twanging away. Vince Gill is humongous. His guitars looked more like belts that guitars. Highly recommended. vaughnlive.tv has a ton of channels.




Dear lefty:

• What's the only thing worse than a Springsteen concert?
• Two Springsteen concerts
• I can't even get a rise out of the people who get here from Google searches on Springsteen.

Allow me to summarize the R. Kelly fracas:

R. Kelly grew up in a family so poor, his mother couldn't afford a first name. This haunted him all his life, so he screwed underage girls. It's clear cause and effect, Your Honor.

• Definition of creepy: you call your phone provider to make a payment
• It says, "Hello, [first name]."

Because of the abject failure of Vanilla Coke, Coke has introduced Orange Vanilla Coke. Coke obviously gets the good drugs.

• Don't forget to keep up with your Stupid Buzzwords: This week it's Rom Com (romantic comedy).

Happy as a clam?

How does one measure happiness in a bivalve?

Is there a Clam Happiness Scale?

• Know what's great about this time of year?
• Very little, except for Reese's products with white fudge instead of chocolate. They have my endorsement.

Dog, The Peroxide Hunter:
Yes, I've mentioned this before. A lot.
It flummoxes me every time, just tuning past it.
It's still on the air, meaning people are still watching it.
How is this so?

• I've also mentioned the phenomena when I'm running the fan, I can hear the tv in the next room. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the tv isn't on. It could save all sorts of cable fees if I could change the channel that isn't on, but that's not likely.
• Today I heard the tv again, but this time the fan wasn't running. Excited to see how the inadvertent experiment was coming along, I discovered I was outsmarted: the tv was on anyway.
• This does not help my mood.