Functionally Miserable, but Watch Out for Aardvarks at the Beach

Your love is like   deep fried tires

Here’s what happens when cops pull over a driverless Cruise vehicle

At least it didn't explode when it pulled over....

Today I identify as  Stevie Nicks

I just filled up my car for FIFTY NINE DOLLARS. This includes a discount.

I don't drive an SUV or truck. That must mean gas is ridiculously high.

Apropos of nothing, Exxon's last profit statement was through the roof.

Now Congress is knocking at their door.

When this is over, do you think all the price increases will roll back? 

• One part of Philadelphia's subway system is closed today because of Operator Shortage. 
• If this isn't a sickout, where are the people? Everyone needs employees - are they hiding under a rock?

The oven mitt sat comfortably, by itself, against the coffee table in the living room.

I couldn't decide whether to explode or go with it. The doctors told me to be more accepting, so I smiled at it. It smiled back, as did the sofa. So there we were, the three of us, smiling away; none wondering if our meds needed adjusting, It would definitely be one less oven mitt to help in the kitchen when we needed to avoid being burned. I have a very nice pot, that I hear is very expensive, with the requisite two handles. One is fine, the other gets so hot I can't touch it. It all makes perfect sense to me, no matter if I live in the seven ring circus or the five ring circus. It's the same circus - only the rings change.

Mrs. lefty has a sick relative and will be off attending to them (them is their chosen pronoun). No it's not.  So the amount of rings in the circus will probably decrease, as there will be only one ringmaster for a bit. Naturally we're back to the age old debate of who's going to babysit me while she's gone. With all the trouble she's having lately, I wonder if Valerie Bertinelli is around. But then that would bring out my Inner Helper and we'd probably have to add another ring to the circus. It's too late to call Linda Fiorentino or my one stunning cousin. Things aren't looking good for me, in terms of babysitters. Wife needs to have relatives get sick with more notice next time, so I can procure an acceptable babysitter. 

The IRS already ruled that each of her personalities cannot file individually; talk about inflexibility. They all did not get their checks in the Great Money Giveaway. You try explaining to a mob of kids why they don't all get a check. No matter, it just went to household emergencies. The household emergency fund is my paycheck, plus any other income that may appear.

So I'm gonna be alone for a bit. I'm pretty sure I have custody of the dog. The dog will be terribly confused, as her main gig is following her mommy around the house. I will be terribly confused, as there will be no one to tell me, "You can't wear that - it's all wrinkled." The dog doesn't cook either, which is dreadful. She gets depressed (no, really) when her mommy is gone and just lays on the couch. Come to think of it, so do I.

Speaking of the IRS, we tried doing our taxes today. Note: tried.

It's a minor miracle in that it's before June or October. We use an online service, that has sent me an email every day since last April. I got two today. Signing on is fun, in that it requires multi-factor authorization (MFA). This is more secure than login and password, and twelve times as annoying. It wanted to send me an email with a code to put back in the website before I could go ahead. It also asked for a piece of my mother's nose hair, a bit of my wife's pubic hair (because we're filing jointly), and a few used guitar strings, so they know it's me. This was merely Step One on our journey.

The program remembered who I was, bless it, and wanted to verify some stuff on my W2. So I went to get my W2 and couldn't find it, despite downloading it and keeping three copiealong with a fourth in my pillowcase (shit, I wasn't supposed to tell you that, was I?). Never mind, I'd simply log into work and get yet another copy. Oh no, this was gonna involve Windows. The pain continued, as Windows tried to decide if my credentials were correct, then welcomed me a lot. Minutes later I had a desktop, but no wireless connection - you have to wait even longer for that. Once logged into work, I brought up a browser to get the information and it stared at me. I told it to open a new tab and it stared at me more, only this time its eyes were looking in two separate directions at the same time. The browser was either in Complete Refusal or had locked up entirely. So I brought up another browser. Eventually. Slowly. Monolithically. It came up behind the Broken Browser, so I didn't know it was there. Have I mentioned this process is painful?

I logged into my W2 program and don'tcha know, it too wanted to email me a code before it logged me in. I can't fault security, being a Professional Security d00d, but it was killing me. Eventually I got what I was looking for and emailed to myself (go email yourself). In the meantime, the tax program logged me out. So I had to login again, with another one-time email code. Even my email program was laughing at me.

The rest of it was pretty easy, and when I say the rest of it, I mean uploading the W2. After that there were more problems, including more paperwork that wasn't sent to us in error.

Every. Single. Step. of this process has been painful. Is it like this for you?

After days of getting nothing done, I went to make dinner and burned myself, because I couldn't find the oven mitt. Do you ever have months like this? 

Flying AIDS News 

The painfully simple reason Hong Kong saw one of the highest COVID death rates

Appears to have peaked.... but Incomplete data likely masks a rise in U.S. Covid cases as focus on infection counts fades

Shanghai residents question human cost of China's COVID quarantines

“Implausible:” Zero deaths in Shanghai’s COVID spike spurs skepticism

DC’s Gridiron COVID outbreak tally hits 72 as cases tick up nationwide

• Here's a cheap present for friends or yourself: a Vermin Supreme keychain. Show your support for everybody's favorite libertarian with a boot on his head.

Ya know, I was very sympathetic to Britney Spears' mental well-being and conservatorship. As her conservatorship ended, she announced she is pregnant. If ending conservatorship means pregnancy, perhaps ex-Disney folks are better off staying conserved. 

• President Taxit announced new gun control, demanding all 3d guns be serialized and registered. It's the Constitution, Brandon. Biden also demanded that the guns be diverse.

• In related news, Mexico's wants to sue US gun manufacturers for $10bn. Because we're the cause of their violence. Actually it makes sense from a health standpoint.. if you blame the cartels, you'll wind up dead.

The microchip implants that let you pay with your hand

it's not often I find myself agreeing with some Christian groups, but they refer to it as Really Bad Stuff, like the mark of the beast kinda thing. I'm just going with Really Bad Stuff. Initially, people were really excited to get these implants, as a trial run. But then, people are interested in posting their Social Security numbers on Faceyspaces. Many are still interested.

• although they're FDA-approved, so are phones and Flying AIDS vaccines. Do you really want radio frequencies to penetrate your skin?
• using Bluetooth and other technologies, hackers can already access information on your phone. It won't be long til they can access your arm.
• rest assured the data will be owned and mined and you'll have less and less freedom.

Just when I'm worried about seeing stuff, the pill bottle starts moving toward me and leaps to the floor. I'm not prescribed this kind of medicine. Warning: the glass on the front of the iDevice is incredibly slippery and almost anything you put on it will wander. 

SpaceX launches first totally private mission to the International Space Station

Nothing good will come of this...

• NASA veterans will look down their noses at these young whippersnappers
• California astronauts will want to "catch a gnarly space wave, dude!"
• Floridians will change Space Dinner to 4:00
• Texans will start on plans to make it twice the size (everything's bigger in Texas, even if it's in space)
• the Bible Belt astronauts will make sure there's no abortion (or pr0n) on the ISS

Mars News

On Mars, the speed of sound depends on its pitch.

All sound travels slower through Mars’ air compared with Earth’s. But the higher-pitched clacks of a laser zapping rocks travels slightly faster in the thin Martian atmosphere than the lower-pitched hum of the Ingenuity helicopter, researchers report April 1 in Nature.

What this means is that you'll hear classic rock sooner than you'll hear the Hot Hits on the radio, with the low-pitched drum machines. Even Mars knows what's good. 

Secret Government Info Confirms First Known Interstellar Object on Earth, Scientists Say

Meteor falls to Earth in 2014.

It was kept secret for 8 years.

Even with our government's penchant for secrecy, why would this be classified so?

This stuff needs to stop.

• Obama jokes with 'Vice-President Biden' at White House
• Biden worried for President Obama over this Russia thing 

“The more laws and commands there are, the more thieves and robbers there will be.” – Laozi

the Beetles

Yet More Bottled Glass

Your love is like    The Roseanne Show without Roseanne

It snowed. I hate it here.

Because I expect winter to be 70-80 degrees, with little humidity, and perfectly sunny. No snow. Ever.

In fact, I expect summer to be like this too.

You doesn't has to be real smrt to has a blog.

I want to complain. OW. What did you do that for?

Oh, sorry, this is getting kicked in the nuts lessons.

Sorry... why would you need lessons in getting kicked in the nuts?

Sir, are you oppressing me?

Not me, I just want to complain.

Ah, that would be 2nd floor, with beds.

I want to complain. Why are there so many mattresses in Complaints.

OH NO, SOMEBODY SAID MATTRESS TO MR. LAMBERT 

[and did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon Philly's dirty streets...] 

I want to complain.

Get in line.

I am in line.

Ok. Do you have a number?

No. Where do I get a number?

It's on the ticket.

Hold on, hold on... I am expected to have a ticket and stand in line?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, this is a very silly sketch and I am not prepared to go on with it.

That's Philly for ya.

Is this Complaints?

No.

The man from Tickets told me to come here for Complaints.

Ok, yes, this is Complaints. We tell people no - it cuts down the traffic.

I want to complain.

Yes, we've already established that. I didn't have to take this job. I'm a theoretical physicist. I just do this for the benefits.

I want to complain. It's this weather thing.

I see. Can you be more specific? 

I don't like it.

Is there a part of it you don't like more than others?

Most of it, actually.

Is it the seasons? 

To start with, we only have two. 

Two, Sir? 

Yeah, summer, then somebody flips the switch and we have winter. I think they sold the other two for taxes. But that's not what's bothering me.

Sir, are you currently on any medication and have you taken it recently? 

Abuse is downstairs. I want to complain about the weather.

Yes....

It's cold in the winter and unbearably humid in the summer.

I see. And do you have any suggestions? 

I thought we could keep it around 70-80 with low humidity all year round.

Then you'd only have one season.

I could live with that.

Anything else? 

It snows.

It is the east coast, Sir.

If we get the temperature suggestion I made, we'd only have to see snow on tv news, from other states, and we could all laugh at them. And in Christmas movies.

I'll, uh, see what I can do.

What do you mean, 'see what you can do'? Is this not Complaints?

Yes, it's the largest complaints department in the state.

I want to complain. I want to speak to your boss.

Sir, if you think I'm an asshole, wait til you meet him.

[ThermionicPython]

Today I identify as  the semicolon key I hit instead of apostrophe. Every. Stinking. Time.

Flying AIDS News 

Meta (Faceyspaces) will require employees to have a COVID-19 booster to return to the office

Free AI protein software packages nearly predicted structure of the Omicron coronavirus variant correctly

Covid: Chile starts fourth vaccine dose amid rise in cases

                read that again 

Covid PCR tests end for asymptomatic cases in England

'We have gone backwards': Covid confusion snarls Biden White House

Which mask? What test? Covid's latest surge spreads an epidemic of confusion.

U.S. CDC may recommend better masks against Omicron - Washington Post

Don't forget, the majority of heart attacks happen while shoveling snow.

I keep trying to remind Wife, but she gets all wide-eyed, citing some sort of imaginary law, stating we must clear snow within 8 hours.

Or what - the Snow Police will get us?  

We have to bring up the trash cans too.

Yeah, the Trash Police...

And we still cannot find an enterprising youth to pay to shovel snow (or mow). I guess the youth of America have something better to do. Maybe they're quitting their jobs for Unemployment. Or quitting their job to work at Walmart or McDonald's, for $15/hr. Most likely, sitting in, playing video games.

Drones are coming to get us. It's fun to fly the hobby ones, but the Big Jobbies are there to spy on us and deliver less than pleasant payloads. So here's a great story about a drone delivering a defibrillator in time to save a man's life. He was shoveling snow and had a heart attack (told you so). 

• I had to go back to my old office. Again. I'm less sore this time, probably because I didn't have to play Naked Twister with the racks.
• Wife says I have to wear a mask at home. I suspect she's trying to tell me something....

Broadcast radio is trash. It has been trash for years and years. 

Never has it been trash in greater quantity than recently. There are a very few people writing the hits today; they're just handed off to the Flavor of the Month singer (sorry, dancer).

To make things more fun, there is now AI software that will create you a song. While this is fascinating on a technical level, it's pretty ugly on an aural level. It's not guaranteed to make you a star, and the company has most of the rights to your song. So go ahead - produce some product. It's all product anyway. Then everybody will want to sound like you. For a month. Good luck.

• Female dolphins have a clitoris much like humans’
• also get headaches 

My employer thinks ahead and wants to make things easier for their slaves employees. When they ask you to do something, they write it out and explain each step of the process. Unfortunately, the explanation is difficult to understand, and the steps are invariably wrong. It goes something like this:

1. Click link.   (Link takes you to old site that doesn't refer you to new site)
2. Look for Payroll    (there is no Payroll)
3. Look for "My last check"   (there is no Payroll. OH, it's under HR)
4. Print a copy   (you can only use work printers and you work from home)
5. Check to make sure you're under Payroll   (there is no Payroll)
6. Your information will be on the left  (it's on the right, 5 clicks away)
7. Can we offer you a soda?   (soda machines are at work, broken)
8. Is there anything else we can do?   (system does not understand DIE)

I'm the kind of employee who desperately wants to fix the systems to make things better for everyone. I learned to keep my mouth shut after the Talking to Manglement Incident.

• What 2 words tell you to immediately not watch the program?
• 1,000lb Sisters

I want my text messaging back.

With people using iDevices, I now get Likes on texts. This isn't social media - this is texting. And while we're at it, I don't want to see emojis on the subject line of email. In the beginning, email was text-only, and was checked in a terminal. We're being driven back.

lefty liked this post  😈

• 'They' say that many people with money are just as miserable as the rest of us, without money. I dunno about you, but I'd like to do the science.

As we mentioned in the last installment, Mrs. lefty is going visiting, and lefty knew he needed a babysitter. He suggested Jennifer Lawrence because they were talking about her.  There has been no response from the Mrs. lefty or the Jennifer Lawrence camp. I have a feeling it will be another lonely period, with no adult supervision. Anything that 'happens' is now on her....

• Today is the second day in a row we can see the sun.
• For penance, it's way below freezing.

In the future, people will look back on us and wonder what happened. There will be college courses on this time period. One of the more intense topics will be how vocal minorities managed to force the majority to go along with their bizarre ideas.

You're a Very Bad Table Lamp

 Your love is like  a broken tibia

• Note to tv writers: it is NOT always sunny in Philadelphia. Whoever came up with this has never spent two hours in Philadelphia. 
• If they're searching for reality, it would be called It's Mostly Cloudy in Philadelphia.

It's been two weeks since I left Work Badge Limbo. After that 3 month, 6 hour trek, I was the proud(?) recipient of something with a picture on it that looks like a prison I.D. God I'm ugly. To be fair, Brad Pitt would look ugly with this system. It learned everything it knows about picture-taking from the DMV, and still manages to beat it for sheer horror of its output.

Speaking of badges and having nothing to do with badges, I have a work presentation next week. I didn't really get it assigned to me so much as heard it mentioned in a large online meeting. So it was just a wee bit of a surprise. Not the shy type, I asked my boss which one of my coworkers that wasn't me was going to do the presentation. He apologized for not mentioning I was doing it yet, for next week. When my team met, the next day, he went over it, as I asked everyone who wanted to do it. Ever hear of deafening silence? I sure did. I'm sure they were all rushing to help me out, but they forgot to let their mouths tell me. I even reminded them what would happen if I had to give the presentation, but no luck. From this incident, I have taken it that all of my antics have been approved by my boss. It's not like he doesn't know what I'm like, therefore he's giving me total leeway.

I used to give a weekly phone meeting for 250 people, that got pretty popular because I'd add stuff here and there that wasn't entirely factual or relevant. People would actually attend the meeting to listen, even if they weren't interested in the topic.I also announced the official new fictional committee: the linux on the desktop committee. The idea was to rid the company of Windows. Sometimes after the meetings, people would come up to my desk and ask how to sign up to the committee. It's always good to make a difference.

So if I identify myself as the CEO of Sarcasm, I have the backing of my boss. 

If I tell everyone we're taking over their departments, my boss ok'd it.

If I order donuts to everyone's houses for meetings, the boss will find the funds.

I guess it could be worse...

Today I identify as  Spam  (Spam Spam Spam)

• Today's Light Reading: Thermodynamic Analysis for Industrial Refrigeration Systems

Now that we're out of Car Limbo, the feeling is glorious. Driving the car home was a beautiful experience. Yes, I had to remember where all the controls where, but the reasons I bought the car were evident. My absolute favorite feature was the large display that I had to click through, that said not to be distracted by the large display. Never let lawyers into your design process.

Since the picture is so great on the backup camera, I'm going to modify it to show movies while I drive. What's the worst that can happen? 

Today in Olympic news:  isn't this shit over already?

• As Mrs. lefty prepares to go visiting, everybody is ready. The parents can't wait for Penny to keep the rodents away and the cousin has a corner with all of Penny's toys waiting for her, as well as a special dog run in the yard. Mrs. lefty is an afterthought and I don't even bother going. Imagine coming in second (or third) to your dog.
• This brings up a long-standing issue: who's going to babysit me while they're gone? Vanessa Hudgens stopped taking my calls, Mila Kunis is off with that husband guy, and I don't have Emelia Clarke's contact info. Oh poor me.

• the problem here is one of structure. Like most of us, I don't work on the weekend. Without the structure of work, I sometimes don't know what to do. Some of us, lacking proper stimulation, will get up to stuff, creating their own entertainment. 
• after the last time I was on my own, the city requested a week's notice when Mrs. lefty was planning to leave the house. SWAT and more importantly, the Boom Squad, have to be kept on High Alert<tm>. I don't know what the problem is - I try to restrain my activities so they don't involve human casualties. We've already proven that the Crazy Lady next door cannot die, so I gave up trying.
• the above-mentioned babysitters cannot be reached, which is a shame, as they keep me busy, and busy is safe. Both neighbors are in their 90s and I don't have that particular kink.
• the backup car that I am left with cannot do much damage, and cannot hit 60 without 2 weeks' notice, and even then, it's a shaky proposition. The worst I can get up to is annoying people behind me, which is more of an every day activity. Nothing special there.
• napping is covered, with no distractions. I have absolutely had it with getting comfortable on the couch and having a marching band come though. Self love is also covered, for the same reasons. If I feel really kinky, I'll call the marching band.
• there will be no dog to sit next to me or on my lap. If there is one, I know I missed my meds that morning.
• somebody went food shopping and made the mistake of leaving all the cakes and treats out. I hope they weren't intended for anyone specific.

Due to unforeseen complications, Being Nice at Work has been canceled. YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WID DAT, ASSHOLE?

• Today in foreign news, Algeria is upset that people keep mixing it up with Afghanistan

English football (hockey) team Man United is being pressured to change its name, due to its CIS Hetero White Male Privilege. When pointed out that Man is short for Manchester, the protesters would have none of it, stating that even Manchester had 'man' in it, plus there had to be some male privilege somewhere in its history.

• the linux list command (ls) has a new competitor, called lsd. Lsd is reported as being very colorful, and you sit there, staring at it for hours

With software like office suites, there is an 80/20 rule: 20% of users use 80% of the functions. Using my great command of math (and tree climbing), this means 80% of the people use 20% of the functions.

Since I use linux, I am free of Microsoft Office. Just the other day I ran Libre Office's (free, also runs on Windows) word processor for the first time. And there it was - BAM - 17 different toolbars and other things I had to uncheck to get more typing real estate. I'm wondering if there should be a 20% preset, with the only toolbar being text (bold, italic, etc). Yes, I can uncheck all the others, but since it's too crowded out of the box, why not a preset? Strangely enough, I type for the words, not the appearance. The controls on this blog are minimal and we all get along fine. I particularly like the strikethtrough function because I can tell you how I really feel, then pretend I didn't say that. If you need a ruler across the top or down the side, turn it on. That said, I don't have any serious complaints about the word processor. Yet.

• just when I started to relax, I saw what Wife is reading: Encyclopedia of Serial Killers

SO if you think about it, Amazon bulldozed on ahead and killed the name 'Alexa.'

At this point, anyone who names their child Alexa has to be a really pretentious douchnozzle, who may or may not work at Amazon. The parents are also selfish and uncaring enough not to give any thought to how their poor child will be tortured at school*. Children are not the nicest humans.

*Frank Zappa's children are Ahmet, Dweezil, Moon Unit, and Diva because he said those names would fit in perfectly in California at that time.

Blog Noir

• I met her in some dingy bar, where the odor of stale beer provided the ambiance. She had more ink than a week's worth of the NY Times. We eyed each other hungrily, like a fat chick at Dunkin Donuts. Her outfit was tight, like some sort of dark saran wrap. We pressed against each other, like a coffee table and a rug. Her breasts were like melons, ripe two weeks ago. Her legs were like... legs. She fulled out her short shorts, like a man wearing a bikini. Her bulge was bigger than mine, like a WTF I'm getting out of here like an Olympic sprinter. 
• I've been back to that bar every night this week, looking for her.

Polish silver medalist in Javelin throw Maria Andrejczyk, who is also a devout Catholic, sold her Olympic  medal in auction to find money for the heart surgery of a Polish boy. Polish store chain Zabka won the auction, but they returned the medal back to her

• somebody who knows better told me Uranus went into retrograde
• I can't explain why, but I need a cigarette 

With great sadness, I must inform everyone that the lemon Snapple in the new plastic bottle is NOT as good as the glass bottle, no matter what they say. The only positive here is this will save us $55 a week.

• a New York policeman rescued a man who fell from a subway train, unconscious.
• it's a tremendous time for society in that absolutely nothing happens without video anymore

Paleontologists found a 310 million year old horseshoe crab with brain intact and are comparing it to a current one to study its evolution. They also found a 310 million year old news personality, but saved themselves the trouble of looking for a brain because the current one doesn't have a brain either.

The Chinese Are Bugging my Instant Noodles

Your love is like  3 broken kneecaps


The Russian election interference continues. I think they're under the bed.
I keep inviting them up, but they keep pretending they're not there.


Dear lefty

• Why do people keep pretending they don't watch pr0n?
• because of a lifetime of being told 'that's dirty'  
• That's all you got?
• and because your mother sniffed glue through her pregnancies.

Mrs lefty just got home from shopping.

Or rather, the ambulance carried her in.

The line at CostCo was out the door, even before social distancing. It's almost like their management didn't expect people to be shopping. The stinky old ladies gave her an idea: farting, to enforce distancing. See why I married her?

We learned very early that I cannot accompany her. In a stunning gender turnabout, she would do her Shopping Business, while I would wander around, comparing chainsaws, tires, and computers [TIP: they don't compare]. 

We also learned very early that the courts do not take kindly to running down old ladies with your cart. Mind you, the police were very understanding, and admitted they did it themselves, but they had to take her in. This was more my idea anyway. Hey, we can all get along together, in peace and harmony, until you leave your cart in everyone's way, then wander off to look at something. It's the unspoken rules of civilization (they only have civilisation at CostCo UK). Then there's the people who reach in front of you. I find that biting their hands dissuades them, but you have to keep biting each new person.

Then there are the talkers. These people piss everyone off. They are on their phone, naturally (because this is a store), talking as loudly as humanly possible. You can hear them across the store, and we all know CostCo is 4 miles long on each side. If they talk loudly near me, I participate in their conversations. YES. OH, THAT's NICE. DID HE REALLY? A POUND OF KANGAROO EGGS? Either they get the message, or call Security (mostly Security). Sometimes I walk behind them as they shout into their device that can 'hear' the cockroaches that crawl all over the phone at night, while they're sleeping. 

You know me - I have the patience of an infant, along with some of its behavior. The last time I went, the lines were ridiculous and I wasn't of a mood to stand there. So I did what the adults told me; I used my words. I'M NOT STANDING IN THOSE LINES. I'D SOONER LEAVE THE CART HERE AND GO HOME. The adults were right - they opened a lane immediately. Ever since, there's a loud siren that goes off whenever I enter. I suspect a custom lefty detector.

Since it's 90 degrees outside, it's a great time to shop for winter coats at CostCo. I thought this was just a Store Thing, but CostCo is really out there. In 90 degree temperatures, your air conditioner  or fan is going to break. When it does, you better not go to CostCo, unless you want to replace them with space heaters. At one point I was told they have some nice couches. When we went to look at them, being a champion of the obvious, I noticed they weren't there. Perhaps we were shopping out of Couch Season. Unfortunately, nobody told us when Couch Season is. She suggests we can order online. Oh, sure, let's order furniture we've never really seen or sat upon - that sounds like a good idea. When we're done, we can order a car we've never sat in or driven; perhaps some potentially poisonous seafood we've never tasted. Welcome to Backwards Shopping World<tm>, where even the women can't figure it out.

If I'm particularly aggravated or bored, I ask one of the Cheerful Salespersons where the plastic explosives are. Their days are so mundane, I'm doing them a favor by introducing a little spark, so to speak. The real pains in the ass are the demo ladies, who stand there, cooking things, that customers shove down their throats because it's free. Some have dinner there. Ok, it's not their fault - again, it's the rude customers. I don't care if they're choking on their Deep Fried Grease Bits - stay out of the lanes of travel. It's a simple matter of respect and convention. Someone will eventually jump up behind them, put their arms around them, and yank. Someone might even try the Heimlick Maneuver. Meanwhile, the rest of the shoppers can finish up their list, provided they finally found that little black thing that goes in the toilet... not the bowl - inside the tank. Near the bottom. You know what I'm talking about, right?  [sound of explosion]

• The FDA wants you to know NOT to drink the hand sanitizer, even if it's sold in what looks like a beer can.
• Don't forget - these people can mail in their vote...

Impressive: you got a Tesla

Embarrassing: you hit a car
Dumb Shit: it was a police car

Seriously?: you were watching a movie

This is only going to get better  

RNC 2020: Trump warns Biden will 'demolish' American dream.

That's not fair.. he won't demolish it, so much as take away its guns and tax it to death. Let's be accurate: the American dream was gone long before we were born: Trump merely made things more amusing.

BeagleBoyz: 2020's hottest country-rap band... HOLD IT. Doesn't anyone see anything wrong with this?

I'm gonna hit the store
and I'm ridin in my truck
It's rainin outside
but I don't give a .... damn


You want protest? I'll give you protest.
All the sports teams that are on strike?
Their fans should go on strike. No games (when they start), no tv, no official merchandise, and perhaps a little reproducing without the express written consent of the NFL. 

I am not shilling, nor do I get so much as a free straw, but iced mocha coffee and frozen hot chocolate make my day (Dunkin). They shortened their name to Dunkin, because people might not be able to deal with the complexity of Dunkin Donuts.

Let's all raise a sympathetic paw to Penny, whose mommy is visiting folks for a few days. The poor dog will spend a day or three sitting alone, looking out the window for her mommy. Even though I'm home. She'll eventually sit near me and will sleep with me, but only because the room is cool. Meanwhile I need a babysitter to keep me attentive and busy while Penny's mommy is gone. Sandra Bullock isn't busy, as the film industry has shut down, nor is Linda Fiorentino, nor is the lady who owns our personal pizza place, none of which would entertain babysitting me. I think.

For new readers, you know that when the president is unable to fulfill the duties of his office, the vice president takes over. I figure that when the wife is unable to fulfill the duties of her office, the vice wife should take over. Strangely, this concept is not popular with the wife. She said she wants a vice husband. I agreed - I don't always fulfill my duties, like mowing the lawn. She could have the vice husband do it. I can fulfill all the other duties just fine.

UPDATE: Mrs lefty felt so much Catho-Jewish semi-Armenian guilt about leaving her doggie, she's cutting her visit short. She doesn't want her child to suffer anymore; sitting, looking out the window. You will notice there is no such concern about her husband...



Mrs lefty is not always gud wit words, so I fix her when I can.
I explained that a baklavah is what you wear to peacefully burn cars, and a balaclava is eaten for dessert. She's lucky to have me.



I've about had it with searching for things on shopping sites.
Today on Amazon, I searched for "MI Audio Super Crunch Box" (a guitar pedal). I got returns for UNBLOCK PROS, SUPERBOX theater bundle, 6 zone speaker selector, take out food containers, fast food takeout menu book, a Beavis and Butthead book, and Pussy Natural Energy Drink. I believe in honesty: if you don't have it, go ahead and tell me. Besides, I didn't know pussy had an energy drink.

Furthermore, it's very difficult to get a left handed Bluetooth mouse. Yes, there are left handed mice, but most mice have this ridiculous RF wireless that requires a tiny receiver, plugged into a USB port. Naturally, when I search, I get only right handed, few Bluetooth mice. Suck my algorithm, Amazon.

I highly recommend the Microsoft (no, really) ergonomic keyboard and the mice that you operate as if you're shaking hands.

SJW Sleeze 

• Princess Diana statue to be installed to mark her 60th birthday
• the next day, BLM will tear it down, citing racism 

JK Rowling said she is giving back an award associated with the US Kennedy family, after being criticised for her views on gender and trans issues. Harry Potter puts a spell on award that makes it keep reappearing at Rowling's mansion.

BLM pushes Japan to confront racism (not that this group is spreading faster than the Flying AIDS).

Peaceful protesters in Sacramento, dressed in black, faces covered, smashed windows and destroyed buildings the other night. We never thought we'd see the day that peace spread throughout America.

There is a relatively new newslady on the news here. She's kinda pretty, with long, straight black hair. One day she appeared with a style that can best be described as Poodle. The next day it was straight again. We both looked at the tv, with that 'you did WHAT?' grimace. She just announced she'll be keeping the Poodle, to show her black roots. In addition, I just announced that I'm going to shave one side of my head and appear shirtless, to show my ugly slob roots. Ugly Slobs Matter!

How Do You Stop... the Grass from Growing?

Video Me Video You Blues

Research (that I didn't make up) shows additional productivity when a second monitor is added. So I use at least two. For a little while, the monitor cable has been going. You have to wiggle it to get all the colors.  Not being able to suffer it any longer, I got another one from The Pile. Don't ask about The Pile or my wife will tell you.

There are few things I truly despise in life. One is the 'ribbon' in more recent versions of Microsoft Office. It's foul, evil, and serves no useful purpose. It just sits there, taking up valuable screen real estate. After I hide it, I get a little less agitated. The other things I hate is DB9 connectors, otherwise known as VGA or   monitor cables. The end of these things was designed by a very clever sadist. The two screwy things that secure the cable to the computer are guaranteed to catch on anything in the vicinity, like power cables, audio cables, network cables, dog leashes, and internal or external organs. Today I was unpleasantly surprised by the connector getting stuck on my hair. WHY?

After having extricated 26 things from the cable end, I got the little bastard situated, but the last laugh was on the cable: the screen was missing red.

The other thing I would like to eradicate from the universe, and I probably haven't mentioned it before, is Microsoft Windows. I haven't said anything bad about Windows in a few hours... I must be slipping. My Windows virtual machine is set to NOT install any updates. As I was closing it yesterday, it had four updates to install. Even in public schools, but maybe not colleges, four is greater than zero. So Windows overrode the user's settings and installed updates anyway. Why do I hate Windows? This is just one of the many reasons.  There are many instances when you don't want to install updates. Microsoft has deliberately overriden the users preferences. I will not use an operating system that makes its own decisions and knows better than me. Windows: it's not an operating system - it's a virus.




It's not like I don't listen to new 'music' because I don't like it. I don't listen to new music because it sucks. Sometimes it shows up on tv in commercials, a particularly egregious example being "yeah, we're all about a good time, yeah, we're all about a good day" over clapping, in an annoying monotone, by what sounds like a black female. It offended my ears. Along with the aforementioned "You got me like ah, and ooh, with all the things you do."

• Faceyspaces will allow users to delete their history on the service. This is good and a nod toward privacy after they got caught doing what they do normally. Of course there's a hitch: everything you're deleting has been used to profile and sell your data already.

Firefox wants you to know that they're not ads - they're sponsored content. With Firefox 60, you'll see ads. Mozilla says there's no personal information sent, just HTTPS pings when you do something on the about:home and about:newtab pages. Every 30 days, the data will be aggregated and permanently deleted. Mozilla claims they don't share data with any third party. You will be able to opt out.

If the opt out uses cookies, you're screwed because you delete your cookies at the end of the session or on a timed basis or when you close the browser, right? As we tin foil people say, trust nothing and no one.  I'll try opting out. If that fails, there will be another way to stop this behavior, perhaps via about:config. The whole nonsense is run by Pocket, which Mozilla bought. Perhaps disabling Pocket will fix things. You'll hear about it right after I do. The other option is to use a different browser, but I really like Firefox, plus the Chrome-based browsers phone home to Google.

• Volkswagen and Audi car infotainment systems have been hacked remotely by Dutch security researchers, in two 2015 models, the Volkswagen Golf GTE and an Audi A3 Sportback e-tron, both made by Volkswagen Audi Group (VAG).  The hack does not impact any critical systems, although what you say could be remotely monitored. The critical systems are a firewall away from the infotainment system, so it's only a matter of time.
• In good news, the researchers were invited to VW HQ to go over the hack, which will result in stronger systems. The bad news is that every car will have to go back to the dealer for updated firmware.

The wife took the dog to visit some people in faraway lands. I really miss at least one of them. As I still haven't received the all clear for a Vice Wife (who steps in when Wife cannot perform the duties of her office), I have gone to a different system. Now I ask for a babysitter to watch me, in case I get up to things while bored. I get into a lot of trouble normally - it's worse when left alone. Since I wanted to build trust in the process, I suggested our favorite pizza place's headmistress, a particularly fetching lady. Wife knows her and approves, except for the babysitting part.  I need to work harder on a solution.

• "I found bladder leak underwear that's actually pretty" said the commercial.
• What the commercial didn't say was that if I put them on without a bladder leak problem, will I still feel pretty? Sometimes a man likes to feel pretty.

Well, it's almost that time of year again: grass season.

You know what that means... I have to find places to hide every time Wife says anything to do with 'mow'. I decided to work smarter this year, as I haven't perfected that invisibility thing yet. And even if I did, I'd still knock things over and make rude noises, giving myself away.

Last year was the happiest year of my life, grasswise. We hired the kid from across the street. He missed spots and needed a lot of direction, but he got me out of mowing. Wife says she doesn't know if she wants to hire him again this year.

WHAT?

This kid is the greatest thing to happen to me.... err... grass since it was invented. Schools teach that grass was discovered, not invented. This came as a hell of a surprise to Bill Crabgrass, noted inventor of trash bags, falling leaves and yes, grass. 

I asked, meekly, she had in mind. David Crosby just put out two albums, Tom Petty stubbornly remains dead, and Cindy Lauper, shockingly, is on tour with Rod Stewart (show starts at 8, recommend you get there at 9). She hasn't gotten back to me yet, so that's been keeping me up at night.

I suggested she give the young man another chance... after all, she'd want one. In the spirit of fairness and neighborliness, it appears that I'm safe for another season.

Oops. Except for that Satan Weed. It wasn't invented, it was discovered, right after clouds and tornadoes. It's a clump of dark green grass that pops up out of nowhere, growing to a foot and a half overnight, even though Mr. Crabgrass' invention has not yet started to grow. Since we have yet to sign a deal with the neighbor, the job looks likely to fall to me. I'm going to need a lot of excuses as to why I cannot possibly complete this allegedly necessary task (feel free to contribute):

• back hurts
• can't remember how to install the battery (it drops in)
• forgot to charge the battery
• need to change the tires from winter air to spring air
• mower no good on Satan Weed
• someone got their penis stuck in the vacuum. Again. (well, the thing attacks)

I wonder if, for a signing bonus, I can get him to take out the trash.

• It's handy to know a few words in every language, preferably dirty phrases and curses. Yesterday I expanded my vocabulary:
• Vez al pista - have you seen the runway? - in Brazil/Portuguese. If this won't get me chicks, I don't know what will.
• So I get with my Subject Matter Expert (SME) in Portuguese, who can't even translate it. She suggests this is not the way to go about meeting women. Fair enough, how about a few curses or body parts? My SME is not impressed and refuses to give me any interesting words or phrases, except the more hopeful "Kiss me, I'm stupid."
• I may have to get a new SME.

Cambridge Analytica, the company that got caught up in the Faceyspaces fracas for siphoning off personal information, is going out of business.  In completely unrelated news, the founders have registered a new data analytics company called Emerdata.

ThermionicEmissions' cynical bent tells us that Emerdata will operate extremely similarly to Cambridge Analytica.

• OOPS - Australia's Commonwealth Bank lost records for 12 million people (almost half the population) when two magnetic tapes were misplaced by a subcontractor. Per Australia's Privacy Commissioner, "a decision was made not to alert customers." Now there's some serious privacy for you.
• One of the possible scenarios was that the tapes fell off the back of a truck when they were being transported to be destroyed. 
• Cut it out. In what universe does a truck carrying tapes keep the back door open so things can fall out? You will notice that no armored trucks carrying cash keep their back doors open so money can fall out.

Because we haven't done enough damage to the language, we have a new word: micro-volunteering. Since we're not sure what it's about, let's do what we always do... take the ball and run with it. No matter if we're running the wrong way - I did it all the way through my childhood.

I'll micro-volunteering to help the neighbor take out the trash. She'll take it out, but I'll think about it for her, donating my time.

Perhaps I can micro-volunteer to help at-risk youth. I'll give them the url of this blog and they'll never be the same. Perhaps help is too strong a word....

In a little while, I'm micro-volunteering to walk the dog.
"Honey - the dog needs to go out."

• This seems to be a weird week. Moreso. Dad calls Wife: We were so worried. You called the other day at 6am. We called you right back and no one answered. We tried for days.
• News to us.
• Wife checks the phone log. Yes, there were two outgoing calls at 6am to parents. The only problem is that no one made them. Yes, there's one call from Dad, but no others from 'all week'. 
• The phone made two calls by itself.
• This is Regular Weird. Delightfully Weird was last time, when my phone called Dad, Dad's phone called Brother, and Brother's phone called me. There were NO calls in any of the phone logs.
• Just in case you think I'm done... my parents rush to answer the phone in the bedroom. It rings a lot. The only problem is they don't have a phone in the bedroom.

The Hacking Demons are at it again.
There's a Windows 10 issue, as if there wouldn't be. Bear with me, as I don't use Windows 10. The problem seems to start if the user uses a browser based upon Chrome. It displays a time-out issue and the entire screen turns black. The long and short of it is that you're screwed at this point because no one has figured a workaround. The article I read did not specify anything but my guess is that you shouldn't be using Chrome or any other browser based upon it. On the linux side, Opera, Chromium, Iron, and Vivaldi are based upon Chrome, and I believe all are available on Windows. If you're not already using it, try Firefox. Technically this isn't a hacker issue, but let's put it there.

If you're an Under Armour user, meaning if you use MyFitnessPal, you're one of 150 million affected in the data breach. 


Got an iPhone? The latest update has a bit of a bug. Since iDevices don't have bugs, this is an Undocumented Feature. Apple has decided that it is more important to listen to a caller than speak. The feature mutes the microphone during phone calls.  You can decided if this feature works for you, but remember, Apple leads, and the rest of the world follows (per an actual Apple employee who came to work to preach to us).

My computer hurts.

Actually my morale hurts.

If it were my computer, the problem would already be solved. This is the work computer, which is locked down so well I can't even put naked ladies on the background. I hate to say it, but this is a really great thing. It keeps people from destroying their PCs and doing all kinds of damage to the network. And from naked ladies, but one must take the negative with the positive.

I did everything that had to do with computers and networks at one point. I remember what it was like to be a desktop computer fixer or a helpdesk. We did our jobs well and efficiently, so we could get to the next issue. However, this was not the perception of the users. Because we were not standing at their desks the moment there was an issue, before they even had to notify us, we were fat, lazy, incompetent, and spent all day playing solitaire or looking at naked ladies (recurring theme, I know).

One day at the cube farm, I was under someone's desk, fixing something (no, the view was nowhere near as spectacular as one would think). Someone suggested to someone else that they call IT for their problem. She immediately blurts out how Stupid IT never does anything right and never bothers to show up. It suddenly gets very quiet in this area. I leap out from under the desk, pop up at the complainer's desk, and ask what Stupid IT can do for her today. There was laughter and a really red face.

The moment I got out of helpdesk, I made it a rule to never be like that: a surly, entitled user, who expects repair yesterday, plus your lunch. This has not served me well at my latest employer. Let's call the atmosphere City Worker, where you're lucky to have a phone to call Helpdesk, and if they answer, it's a minor miracle. If they make out a ticket, the sun will shine for a week straight. If they actually route the ticket and address the problem, the lottery ticket you just found will be worth $4.5 million.

Two weeks ago I lost three days waiting for Helpdesk to fix an issue. Three days of work. I tracked my Helpdesk ticket, which spent some time in Purgatory, then migrated to the San Francisco office. No one knows why, so I called the San Francisco office to speak to the new owner of my ticket. He wasn't in, but I got his handy voicemail, on which I left a polite request to call me. I figured I'd hear from him, as I said the ticket didn't even belong to him. Nope.

Finally I gave up and called a Helpdesk person directly, who fixed the issue in fifteen minutes. My ticket was still in San Francisco and had not been touched. If I waited for someone to grab the ticket, I'd be at three weeks as of now. Who knows - three weeks might improve their overall stats. Perhaps they grade personnel not on closed tickets, but on how long they keep the client waiting.

Not to be outdone, I logged on this morning to find I couldn't get my email. On planets where gravity is universal and works the same everywhere, if you can log onto the network, you can read your email. As we apparently have some sort of gravitic anomaly, I can't. Meanwhile my coworkers are having trouble getting into random apps. I called Helpdesk. Apparently wait times are so bad that it offered to call me back when it was my turn. Yay! So I kept my phone close. After a few hours, I even took it to the bathroom and kitchen with me. If I were a betting man, I'd bet that I could read a book called How to Pick Up Chicks, get some experience doing it, pick up a coworker, go to the parking lot and have sex in her car, then go back to my desk, the phone never having rung. City Workers are jealous. The federal government wants to know how we do it. We're a model of modern corporate inefficiency.

DAY TWO

It is Day Two, as indicated on the previous line.
The system that was supposed to call me back didn't.
[sigh]
So I called back and got a tech immediately.
[it's mind blowing and byzantine]

For the next 90 minutes, we did everything possible to fix the issue. The first thing we noticed was that a reboot fixed one of the problems. This is positively insane, as I booted up a few minutes prior to the call. WINDOWS.

No fix applied got me email. We gave up and I got an override, allowing me access to email. Some 'experts' will review the problem and fix it. Strangely and coincidentally, I noticed an update running by itself. The same kind of update that caused the problem weeks ago.  No one will review this or implement any larger fix.


DAY THREE
You didn't think I was getting off that easy, did you?
Could not get into the system at all. Again.
Called two support people, one of whom put in another override, which worked. I was then free to get screwed by a new piece of software the boss bought.

Helmsman, I'll expect that mood lifted by 1300 hours, understood?
Can not, Sir. Morale's taken two torpedoes in the aft flingenbottom, Sir.

Usually horrible morale is caused by a grossly incompetent boss. In this case, it's simply getting to where you need to go to do your work. And if I spend the rest of the week without email or not doing my job, no one will care. The Department of Motor Vehicles has sent over their two top operations guys to figure out how we get nothing done with such grace and style.

an honest politician?