Functionally Miserable, but Watch Out for Aardvarks at the Beach

Your love is like   deep fried tires

Here’s what happens when cops pull over a driverless Cruise vehicle

At least it didn't explode when it pulled over....

Today I identify as  Stevie Nicks

I just filled up my car for FIFTY NINE DOLLARS. This includes a discount.

I don't drive an SUV or truck. That must mean gas is ridiculously high.

Apropos of nothing, Exxon's last profit statement was through the roof.

Now Congress is knocking at their door.

When this is over, do you think all the price increases will roll back? 

• One part of Philadelphia's subway system is closed today because of Operator Shortage. 
• If this isn't a sickout, where are the people? Everyone needs employees - are they hiding under a rock?

The oven mitt sat comfortably, by itself, against the coffee table in the living room.

I couldn't decide whether to explode or go with it. The doctors told me to be more accepting, so I smiled at it. It smiled back, as did the sofa. So there we were, the three of us, smiling away; none wondering if our meds needed adjusting, It would definitely be one less oven mitt to help in the kitchen when we needed to avoid being burned. I have a very nice pot, that I hear is very expensive, with the requisite two handles. One is fine, the other gets so hot I can't touch it. It all makes perfect sense to me, no matter if I live in the seven ring circus or the five ring circus. It's the same circus - only the rings change.

Mrs. lefty has a sick relative and will be off attending to them (them is their chosen pronoun). No it's not.  So the amount of rings in the circus will probably decrease, as there will be only one ringmaster for a bit. Naturally we're back to the age old debate of who's going to babysit me while she's gone. With all the trouble she's having lately, I wonder if Valerie Bertinelli is around. But then that would bring out my Inner Helper and we'd probably have to add another ring to the circus. It's too late to call Linda Fiorentino or my one stunning cousin. Things aren't looking good for me, in terms of babysitters. Wife needs to have relatives get sick with more notice next time, so I can procure an acceptable babysitter. 

The IRS already ruled that each of her personalities cannot file individually; talk about inflexibility. They all did not get their checks in the Great Money Giveaway. You try explaining to a mob of kids why they don't all get a check. No matter, it just went to household emergencies. The household emergency fund is my paycheck, plus any other income that may appear.

So I'm gonna be alone for a bit. I'm pretty sure I have custody of the dog. The dog will be terribly confused, as her main gig is following her mommy around the house. I will be terribly confused, as there will be no one to tell me, "You can't wear that - it's all wrinkled." The dog doesn't cook either, which is dreadful. She gets depressed (no, really) when her mommy is gone and just lays on the couch. Come to think of it, so do I.

Speaking of the IRS, we tried doing our taxes today. Note: tried.

It's a minor miracle in that it's before June or October. We use an online service, that has sent me an email every day since last April. I got two today. Signing on is fun, in that it requires multi-factor authorization (MFA). This is more secure than login and password, and twelve times as annoying. It wanted to send me an email with a code to put back in the website before I could go ahead. It also asked for a piece of my mother's nose hair, a bit of my wife's pubic hair (because we're filing jointly), and a few used guitar strings, so they know it's me. This was merely Step One on our journey.

The program remembered who I was, bless it, and wanted to verify some stuff on my W2. So I went to get my W2 and couldn't find it, despite downloading it and keeping three copiealong with a fourth in my pillowcase (shit, I wasn't supposed to tell you that, was I?). Never mind, I'd simply log into work and get yet another copy. Oh no, this was gonna involve Windows. The pain continued, as Windows tried to decide if my credentials were correct, then welcomed me a lot. Minutes later I had a desktop, but no wireless connection - you have to wait even longer for that. Once logged into work, I brought up a browser to get the information and it stared at me. I told it to open a new tab and it stared at me more, only this time its eyes were looking in two separate directions at the same time. The browser was either in Complete Refusal or had locked up entirely. So I brought up another browser. Eventually. Slowly. Monolithically. It came up behind the Broken Browser, so I didn't know it was there. Have I mentioned this process is painful?

I logged into my W2 program and don'tcha know, it too wanted to email me a code before it logged me in. I can't fault security, being a Professional Security d00d, but it was killing me. Eventually I got what I was looking for and emailed to myself (go email yourself). In the meantime, the tax program logged me out. So I had to login again, with another one-time email code. Even my email program was laughing at me.

The rest of it was pretty easy, and when I say the rest of it, I mean uploading the W2. After that there were more problems, including more paperwork that wasn't sent to us in error.

Every. Single. Step. of this process has been painful. Is it like this for you?

After days of getting nothing done, I went to make dinner and burned myself, because I couldn't find the oven mitt. Do you ever have months like this? 

Flying AIDS News 

The painfully simple reason Hong Kong saw one of the highest COVID death rates

Appears to have peaked.... but Incomplete data likely masks a rise in U.S. Covid cases as focus on infection counts fades

Shanghai residents question human cost of China's COVID quarantines

“Implausible:” Zero deaths in Shanghai’s COVID spike spurs skepticism

DC’s Gridiron COVID outbreak tally hits 72 as cases tick up nationwide

• Here's a cheap present for friends or yourself: a Vermin Supreme keychain. Show your support for everybody's favorite libertarian with a boot on his head.

Ya know, I was very sympathetic to Britney Spears' mental well-being and conservatorship. As her conservatorship ended, she announced she is pregnant. If ending conservatorship means pregnancy, perhaps ex-Disney folks are better off staying conserved. 

• President Taxit announced new gun control, demanding all 3d guns be serialized and registered. It's the Constitution, Brandon. Biden also demanded that the guns be diverse.

• In related news, Mexico's wants to sue US gun manufacturers for $10bn. Because we're the cause of their violence. Actually it makes sense from a health standpoint.. if you blame the cartels, you'll wind up dead.

The microchip implants that let you pay with your hand

it's not often I find myself agreeing with some Christian groups, but they refer to it as Really Bad Stuff, like the mark of the beast kinda thing. I'm just going with Really Bad Stuff. Initially, people were really excited to get these implants, as a trial run. But then, people are interested in posting their Social Security numbers on Faceyspaces. Many are still interested.

• although they're FDA-approved, so are phones and Flying AIDS vaccines. Do you really want radio frequencies to penetrate your skin?
• using Bluetooth and other technologies, hackers can already access information on your phone. It won't be long til they can access your arm.
• rest assured the data will be owned and mined and you'll have less and less freedom.

Just when I'm worried about seeing stuff, the pill bottle starts moving toward me and leaps to the floor. I'm not prescribed this kind of medicine. Warning: the glass on the front of the iDevice is incredibly slippery and almost anything you put on it will wander. 

SpaceX launches first totally private mission to the International Space Station

Nothing good will come of this...

• NASA veterans will look down their noses at these young whippersnappers
• California astronauts will want to "catch a gnarly space wave, dude!"
• Floridians will change Space Dinner to 4:00
• Texans will start on plans to make it twice the size (everything's bigger in Texas, even if it's in space)
• the Bible Belt astronauts will make sure there's no abortion (or pr0n) on the ISS

Mars News

On Mars, the speed of sound depends on its pitch.

All sound travels slower through Mars’ air compared with Earth’s. But the higher-pitched clacks of a laser zapping rocks travels slightly faster in the thin Martian atmosphere than the lower-pitched hum of the Ingenuity helicopter, researchers report April 1 in Nature.

What this means is that you'll hear classic rock sooner than you'll hear the Hot Hits on the radio, with the low-pitched drum machines. Even Mars knows what's good. 

Secret Government Info Confirms First Known Interstellar Object on Earth, Scientists Say

Meteor falls to Earth in 2014.

It was kept secret for 8 years.

Even with our government's penchant for secrecy, why would this be classified so?

This stuff needs to stop.

• Obama jokes with 'Vice-President Biden' at White House
• Biden worried for President Obama over this Russia thing 

“The more laws and commands there are, the more thieves and robbers there will be.” – Laozi

the Beetles