Johnny, Don't Sleep on the Light Pole

 

Your love is like  one of those huge pimples on the pimple popper show

Today my buddy, Bob, found out that not everybody uses a different deodorant for each arm. Boy was he embarrassed. 

Today I identify as  a man who transitioned to a woman and realized he made an Oops

I feel sorry for the non-spousal people out there. I've been married so long, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd wind up making a horrible fool of myself, in a bar somewhere, with my pants down and everybody laughing. 

I don't really drink, so being in bars is not fun for me (unless I'm getting paid to perform). I'm not an extrovert by any means, so social interaction is also borderline painful. I'm probably not of the bar age anyway, but I'm not sure Dairy Queen is where I want to meet women. I know the trick would be to stand outside a store with Penny. Dogs are Chick Magnets. Unfortunately I'd have to actually speak to implement my evil plans, if I even came up with them. As soon as one talked to me, I'd freeze up and look like an idiot. It was only years later that I realized I could've cleaned up (if I could figure out they were interested). I talk to women all the time; on elevators, on the street, at work... situationally. I'm never shy and I make them laugh. I just make observations and complain. Everybody loves that. But even married, it's not like they asked for my number. I never said I was good at it, dammit.

When I discovered computers, I had not discovered Adult Chat. This confused the hell out of the females....

Hi

HI

What are you wearing?

JEANS AND A TSHIRT.

Do you like sex?

WELL OF COURSE I LIKE SEX - SHOW ME PEOPLE WHO DON'T.

Guess what I'm wearing...

JEANS AND A TSHIRT?

I have a black, see-through nightie and stockings.

OOH, THAT SOUNDS NICE. YOUR HUSBAND IS A LUCKY GUY. I CAN'T GET MY GIRLFRIEND TO WEAR THAT STUFF - SHE SAYS 5 MINUTES AND IT'S OFF. WHAT'S THE POINT?

click..

Many men (mostly me) are absolutely blind with women and the signs they may be interested. Back when I performed, I'd stay in the back and fold up equipment so I didn't have to interact with anybody. On the few occasions I did, Wife would ask me if I saw that. That? Yeah, those chicks were staring at you. They were all over you with their eyes. What chicks? How did you know? How was I supposed to know? There was a girl in high school who sat next to me. She once showed up with a shirt... let's see... it was like a knit sweater, but with huge holes in it. If you couldn't see what you wanted to in one hole, all you had to do was move to a different one. Did I mention she had dispensed with a bra? I discussed the shirt with her, but that was it. I only found out later it was for me. How clueless was I?

At one show, a lady came up to me and said she thought I was gorgeous, and would I give her my number. I thought she just escaped from a mental health facility - nobody said that to me. Ever. It never registered she was hitting on me - I thought she was trying to get my number for some sort of privacy invasion, so I walked away. I'm telling you, I'm thick. At another show, one kept her hand on my leg. I thought she was scared.  They could pretty much walk by with a sign that said "I WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU, lEFTY" and I'd still miss it. Then, later on, I'd ask a band member what she meant with that sign. Being men, we'd discuss it, invariably coming up with the incorrect conclusion.  Maybe she was going for a sleep study. Maybe she sleeps better with someone else in the bed. Maybe she's trying to get out of her house.

After all that, I'm much better at spotting it (and beating myself up because I can't do anything). All this ability is wasted on me. Know something??  After 29 years, I am not interested in going anywhere. Good luck to you, single folks, whether looking for a relationship or mattress-testing.

• Hey, just wanted you to know about a blast from the past: Gonorrhea's back! It's borderline untreatable because it's becoming resistant to antibiotics. Insist on protection.

Porsche (pronounced 'porch') has an $1800 pc monitor. Women are attracted to it (but don't know why) and it displays everything faster than other monitors.

Flying AIDS News 

How Profit and Incompetence Delayed N95 Masks While People Died at the VA

Pfizer Hired 600+ People to Process Vaccine Injury Reports, Documents Reveal

People are developing trauma-like symptoms as the pandemic wears on

Dr. Anthony Fauci’s Little Known Biodefense Work. It’s How He Became The Highest Paid Federal Employee

In Operation Paperclip, after WWII, we brought over a bunch of nazis. Werner von Braun was one, who was drafted into rocket service. He used the V5 to help us get rockets off the ground. In the years since, we haven't had a radical change to the way rockets function: one incredible boom and the rocket starts out, using incredible amounts of fuel. You'd think in 80 years, we'd have come up with something new and more efficient (cars and planes too, for that matter). Nope. It's either Top Secret or it's not there at all. Now we're worried about fuel costs and the climate. Odd, that.

• Big oil companies are using wartime profits to enrich investors, report says

RIP Gilbert Gottfried (67) - we don't always hear about the cause of death immediately, but it was from recurrent ventricular tachycardia due to myotonic dystrophy type II. It sounds like he gave us a final laugh. He was delightfully politically incorrect, harking back to the great days of comedy, where you could say anything you wanted. Tributes came in from all over, including Mel Brooks.

• I started blogging out of nowhere, and stayed there

Boris Johnson, Prime Minister and part-time light fixture in England, was fined for attending a birthday party during a Flying AIDS lockdown. This delineates a huge difference between the UK and US. Can you imagine Dick Cheney being fined for 9-11 or Biden fined for the debt? George Dubya fined for.. well.... being George Dubya?

One day at work, one of the bosses questioned the moose I had hanging. It was a simple moose, riding a car tire, like everyone else has. I asked her, "Whatsamatta, you never seen a well-hung moose?"  She walked away and left me alone. And this is how I got more work done than others.

• OK, this is getting out of hand. Because of shortages, my coffee is going up in price. This is the kind of shit that starts unrest.... 

If you collect stuff.... jewelry, guitars, whatever... do an inventory of it right now. Leave some contacts to get the stuff valued. This way, if you check out, those left behind have it easier. Unless you hated them, in which case give it to the SPCA or home for wayward women (my house).

Asshole in a Mercedes cut you off?

BMW doing 100mph?

Girlfriend just dump you?

No problem - this app will take a picture of their car and send it to the police.

Of course if you use it in a car, you're not paying attention to your driving.

The app has generated a ton of hate mail.

Remember: snitches get stitches.

Related:

EU countries want to pool photos in massive facial recog database

this is what we've been warning you about - WAKE UP!! 

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition

Anti-LGBTQ Proposals Are Flooding U.S. State Legislatures at a Record Pace

The New Campaign for a Sex-Free Internet

Sex Workers Banned from Banks Turn to Crypto

feel the love