Who Hid Easter?

Your love is like  used napkins

The Quebec Health Ministry sent out a tweet linking a Pornhub video.

It's ok, though, it's only 'Femdom feet worship'

I want to know the mechanics of this (not the foot worship - the tweeting and linking). And doesn't Quebec have enough respect for its citizens to link them to something really good? No disrespect to the foot fetishists.

Today I identify as  George of the Jungle

 Someone emailed me to tell me Good Friday and Passover were the same day this year. So don't forget to nail your matzoh to wood.

I keep my information on my phone's calendar, so I knew it was my friend's birthday. After a while it hit me that it was also Easter (I'm painfully slow sometimes, like a president). Dammit, my calendar didn't tell me this. I distinctly remember adding US holidays to it last year, so this sort of thing wouldn't happen. Apparently the US holidays went on holiday or were stolen between then and now. I'm just at the point where I know whose birthdays are when, but I can't tell you when Christmas is.

We were sitting there, minding our own businesses, trying to figure out where to go when I had my Easter Epiphany. One of us celebrate(d) Easter, so I'd expect some sort of notification. You know, 'hey, today's Easter' or something simple. Instead I had to let out a few expletives (important for most occasions and discoveries, as well as repairing computers) and say, "HEY, TODAY'S EASTER." She shook her head, like I was supposed to know this. Well if it ain't on my phone, it doesn't exist. This will upset my family at Thanksgiving, especially as we bring the turkey.

So I figure, this being Easter, that our Going Out Thing would be rough. She figures it will be crowded. Well if it was going to be crowded, maybe you should've said something before the Easter day I didn't know about. I like to leave the house (no, really) one day on the weekend, just to get out and also to have some food at one of the three restaurants we like (not that we're picky). In the general direction of our first stop is a guitar store. In fact, the first stop IS a guitar store. Which, of course, was shut tight for Easter.  The second stop involved clothing, so there was shopping and much cheer. By 6pm, I was thinking maybe we should eat something, not having had more than toothpaste since we got up. I desperately wanted the One True Pizza, so off we went. You know what's coming, right? Seriously. You guessed it - the pizza place was closed. 

The day didn't get any better. I couldn't deal with reality anymore, so I went off to sleep. Just as I was crossing that bridge, I heard BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. Yes, the Wife's Random Alarm had gone off. She didn't set the alarm and can't turn it off but it goes off at random times every day, usually when I'm near it. The clock wasn't even plugged in, so the battery backup must've been active, so the clock could continue to annoy me after it was unplugged. Sleep had failed me. Sleep. The one thing that everyone can rely upon to escape reality. I had to stay awake, which was painful, like watching an awards show.

Mrs. lefty has a bit of Lucy in her and I a bit of Charlie Brown. As soon as I left the bedroom, she was headed there. It's how we've stayed married for so long. I said hello to the dog, resting on the couch. She looked up at me, jumped off the couch, and followed her mommy to bed. So Lucy Mrs. lefty says she'll be making tortilla soup when she gets up. Charlie Brown I think to myself that it's not pizza, but it's good. What Charlie Brown doesn't remember is that Lucy says she'll make the soup when she gets up, and she will, but she doesn't guarantee when she'll be up. I suppose if I want tortilla soup for breakfast, I'd stand a chance of getting it, if she were up that early, before I went to work (in the next room). Oh yeah, am I even working tomorrow? I consult my holiday calendar. Because it's in my phone, it doesn't tell me whether or not I'm off. Then I consult my printed out work holiday calendar. Well, I would consult it, if I could locate it. It rests pinned to the wall, so I can forget to look at it, but apparently it has gone the way of my phone US holidays. I could log into work, but I couldn't stand the depression and aggravation of Windows on a Sunday. Oh wait, I might have downloaded a copy onto my computer. I just realized I now have three ways to lose something. I are organized.

Just a brief reminder that it's mid-April and I'm still hearing 'game changer.' To give you an idea how bad things are, I heard 'easy-peasy' the other day. We do not have enough forward momentum on The Project. I'm hoping we can redouble our efforts to eradicate this scourge upon our language. We are also monitoring 'side hustle.' Another looming concern is 'super': I'm super happy to see you.

A second brief reminder that it's mid-April and the weather forecasters are saying we're getting March temperatures. I think it's safe to believe them on this one.

I'm pretty enraged about the weather for a guy who rarely goes out in it. It's like sunshine: I may not walk under it, but I like knowing it's there.

Do you have moderate-to-severe Butt Itch? Do friends and family always comment and talk behind your back about you always scratching your backside? Do coworkers refuse to shake your hand? Do your pants wear out at the butt first?  Ask your doctor about Anocillin - the new medicine that will turn your moderate-to-severe Butt Itch into mild-to-moderate Butt Itch.

• Do not take Anocillin if you are allergic to Anocillin (you idiot)  
• Do not eat guacamole (because it looks like frog in a blender)
• If you experience a rash on your genitals, rush to the emergency room. This could be indicative of a life-threatening reaction (or gonorrhea)
• If you're on birth control pills, don't fsck if you're taking antibiotics - they lower the efficacy of the pills - and you could....  reproduce, heaven forbid
• Other side effects include male breast growth (gynecomastia), shrinking breasts (shrinkomastia) and death (nomastia)
• If you bother your doctor enough, he'll give you a prescription just to get you out of his office

New pr0n movie: Shaving Private Ryan

• If you ever feel bad about your job, there are people pulling dead bodies off very tall, snowy mountains.

The enlightened rulers of Philadelphia have reinstated masks. Pure genius.

Sunday there were few masks. Monday they were required.

There is court action.

and - US judge throws out Biden mask mandate for planes and trains

SHAFTED American men’s penises are only the 59th biggest in the world, study finds – beaten by Haitians, Australians & French

I am so embarrassed for my countrymen.

Fortunately I am enough for Mrs. lefty.

Or she's lying, to save my feelings.

Now I have to live with this potential strike on my manhood....

5.35 is the American average.

Uh-oh.

Asked by one of the internal kids:

Can a monster be depressed? 

Psychedelic frees up depressed brain, study shows

Magic mushrooms to the rescue! Might only have to be taken once or twice. Studies ongoing. Like ketamine, there will be pushback, by agencies who believe they have the right to control what you put into your body.

Speaking of which: Cops stil don't understand how Fentanyl works

I love this: an employee of a Kentucky company goes to his office manager and asks that there not be any sort of party or celebration for his birthday the next day. Naturally there was a party. He has anxiety issues and left. This was followed by chat with HR, firing, and of course, a suit. I love this guy, whether he was bluffing or not. $435,000 says he wasn't.

People have a right to not have birthday celebrations. He asked in advance. There is nothing wrong with this. Yet he gets grief for walking out.

You won't believe this, but I have a similar wish. Friends tried once. I told them "Thanks and don't do it again." They respected my wishes. After years and years of making my wishes known, my parents asked me if they could take me out to dinner. Although my head was screaming "NOOOOOOO," I acquiesced. Then shows up a nephew. Then another nephew. Then I picked my advanced ass up and left the restaurant. For some reason, they were surprised. People really don't get this. I figure honoring someone's wishes is pretty simple. I don't want presents, yet people still send them. Never mind that I need years of intensive therapy: I've made my wishes very clear - Just, Leave, Me, Alone.

• Philly's murder rate has already exceeded last year's. This is the only time Philly exceeded anything - they should be proud.
• And a portable nuclear device has gone missing from a stolen vehicle in Philly. But don't worry - it's more a measuring device than a bomb.
• Don't forget: nuclear sensors at certain toll booths are so sensitive, they can pick up if you've had a nuclear medical test. Better carry proof if you don't want to spend some time as a guest of the state, while it is verified.

Rockstar edits out “transphobic” content from GTA V remasters

A hot-pink-clad "Captain Spacetoy" figure, in a box highlighting "interchangeable genitalia,"

Now that would be pretty handy, wouldn't it?

Chinese scientists have taught two monkeys to play Pac Man.

What have we learned?

That Chinese monkeys are smarter than me.

Study reveals surgeons work better if they listen to AC/DC during operations

Somehow we all knew this.

Yet I asked a dentist why they play that horrid music. He said you don't want a dentist tapping his feet to a rock song.

• The White House resumed its Easter egg roll
• The president found two!

Amazon is still experimenting with drones for delivery. 

We take you to their testing site...

Bezos: so what's going on here?

Employee: we're working overtime on these drones, but we're having a little trouble.

Bezos: what kind of trouble?

Employee: they're not making it to their destination

Bezos: why?

Employee: parts break

Bezos: don't we have redundant parts?

Employee: they break too

Bezos: I'm going to greenlight these for deliveries

Employee: but Sir, they're not ready

Bezos: what do you mean not ready?

Employee: they fall out of the sky

Bezos: that's no reason to stop the project. I'll save tons on delivery trucks!

Employee: Sir, I'm not an expert in public relations, but when people leave their houses, they don't expect to be wounded by drone parts. Nor complete drones, flying directly at the ground. As Douglas Adams said, 'Flying is aiming at the ground and missing.' Our drones don't miss.

Bezos: What percentage break?

Employee: Around 45%.

Bezos: and that's what you're worried about? I've got warehouses that kill employees at a higher rate. The bad press hasn't hurt me.

Employee: What are we going to do when a drone catches on fire and plummets to the ground, landing on a person and setting them on fire?

Bezos: Offer them a $25 Amazon gift certificate. People love those things. I'll even sign it for them. When I do that, people keep them instead of redeeming them. We have insurance, you know. Oh God I love money. Even though I have so much of it, I want more. Even the divorce, when The Bitch got half of everything, didn't make a dent.

Employee: You're right, Sir. Can I have a raise?

Bezos: if you keep the unions out. Bust some kneecaps or something.

Employee:  Sir, I've got it. We can fly the drones over the union people!

Bezos: are you saying we can fly them over the union agitators, then when the drones catch fire or go to ground at full speed, they will hit the agitators?

Employee: Yessir.

Bezos: this is wonderful. Put it into action. That was a great idea I came up with, but put your name on it in case it fails. It's just amazing how rich I am. I mean I put Captain Kirk into space and it was pocket change. Kirk shit his uniform, by the way. Have I mentioned that I'm rich? I'm richer than Bill Gates, because he keeps giving it away. I don't give money away, I make more. People hate me because they're jealous that I have more money than God. In fact, I loaned him a few hundred bil this morning. 

Employee: (to self) Great,where did I leave the chloroform this time?

Flying AIDS News 

Meet the InspectIR COVID-19 Breathalyzer test just authorized by the FDA

    So when the cops pull you over, make sure to tell them you want THIS breathalyzer

Autopsies suggest COVID’s smell loss is caused by inflammation, not virus

Mental illness may raise risk of breakthrough COVID-19, study says

It's been, what... two months since Russia invaded Ukraine. It's kind of a first because we can almost watch it on tv or the net. Daily reports. Propaganda. US warmongers wanting in. While firmly believing we have no business there, we're sad that people are dying. We don't need war.

Always entertaining Alex Jones' Infowars is filing for bankruptcy because of lawsuits over Sandy Hook. The suits claimed his adherents harassed people. So what? He had no control over people. He did not harass anyone personally. Whether you believe Sandy Hook was real or not, this is suppression of free speech.

Here’s how NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter has spent 1 year on Mars

If you think Ingenuity was busy, NASA had to airbrush out all sorts of things...

• Martians line dancing (with actual cowboy hats)
• Martians mooning
• Jupiterans and Martians giving Ingenuity the finger
• a demonstration for fair treatment of Pluto, making it a planet again
• Will Smith, slugging the Chinese rover

The Internet of Things had another great day, with Insteon automation disappearing from the net. The app and servers are dead. The CEO scrubbed his LinkedIn page. No one is responding.

Remember this when you buy your devices.

Fortunately the dead switches will default to regular old flip switches.