Sparky Lowenstein Eats Ants

Your love is like a birthday cake on fire

• Police departments across the nation are experiencing retirements and great difficulty recruiting.  Why wouldn't recruits be standing in line? 

Dear lefty 

• Somebody suggested we go to a club and hear a dj set. What is that?
• the result of someone being too cheap to hire a band 

RIP Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her wish was that she not be replaced until the next administration. If Trump gets re-elected, she'll spin in her grave. Meanwhile, Trump says Ginsburg's wish was written by Schiff, Schumer, and Pelosi. Fire them all.

• I know you're wondering what's in wildfire smoke. Find out.
• Let's think really good Thermionic Thoughts for the people stuck there. Take a minute, please. Every thought counts. It's a mess out there.

Hey, if the Flying AIDS has hurt your financial prospects, re-invent yourself. This is the 20s - be creative - fill a need. The nation needs people to create Video Spaces. These are the clean, clear, well-lit spaces people need when they have video conferences with others. They make other people think they live in a clean, clear, well-lit space; while the truth is there's a crew from Hoarders on their way out. Think about it....

Fortunately I don't have to video conference. If my boss ever asks, I tell him the entire area is full of things people would find offensive, and I wouldn't want to offend anyone. He knows me well, so I don't have to video conference.

And speaking of the Flying AIDS, all the 'experts' have decided to get together to make this a happier, healthier, and more intelligent world. The World Health Organization/UN says the Flying AIDS could spread through airborne particles that can remain suspended in the air and travel beyond six feet. The CDC has previously said the virus mainly spreads from person to person through respiratory droplets when a sick person coughs, sneezes or talks. Except for a statement 'posted in error' that said ... something or other.... forgot about airborne transfer... virus spreads through air, travels beyond 6 feet.... Monday is a bad day to change things, especially if people are watching.

Got that?


We know I don't get out much, but when I do, I see everyone walking around with masks inside and it bothers me to the depths of my soul. Not that they're wearing masks-I am too. Just that we're where we are. Usually this kind of reaction means something...



Kinky

Tinder date chopped into 11 pieces after being stabbed to death during sex.



All passengers on Epstein's flight logs to be named 'sparking panic among rich pals'. The Attorney General for the US Virgin Islands is demanding them. Las Vegas oddsmakers expect the Attorney General to 'commit suicide' on the day of delivery.

In other news, China is making all sorts of claims, including an attack on a US base, showing clips from Hollywood action movies. Most countries agree it's bad form to bomb China, but we have a secret weapon: the Motion Picture Association of America. As soon as it finds out China is violating copyrights, it will immediately issue a stack of injunctions, then sue China into non-existence. Let the lawyers do what the stealth bombers can't.

Relationships have many stages, especially long-term relationships. I'm still trying to figure out which stage we're in. Last week she looks at me and says, "You look gray." Alrighty then... it's probably not my age, so...

Last night she looked at me and said, "It looks like somebody punched you in the eye." Show me the person who says romance is dead... and I'll beat them over the head with a baseball bat.

• It was so cold outside the other night, my nipples were chattering

DOJ Designates New York City as an “Anarchist Jurisdiction”
We're not quite at Peak Weird, but we're getting there.

• The grocery store has Chocolate Frosted Flakes again!
• The plastic inside is tougher (I ate through the box).

RANT

We have had occasion to rent cars over the past few years. Every one of them has sucked, especially the most recent, a Toyota Corolla, apparently considered midsize. It's small, plastic, and gives no confidence in its ability to continue being a car. Some of my rant comes from growing up with Real Cars<tm>, which normal people call Land Yachts. All of the sudden, cars got horribly small, because of gas prices. However, no one at all made a large car - large was still pretty damn small. The SUVs are large-ish, but carry less than the old station wagons. If these gas-hogging vehicles are so damn popular, why not a large car still? It's funny to note our ancient Hyundai, our first small car (which everyone still says is large) is far superior to any rental we've had. They keep getting smaller, using more plastic, and riding like crap. All we really want is a large car with great ride. Mrs lefty has all sorts of back problems, so comfort is important. The final word on the Toyota is 'it rides like shit' and 'even the steering wheel is too small.'

The reissue of the super sportsters, like the Camaro and Challenger, proves there's a market for large cars. They don't even have to make them muscle cars. Nostalgia is something on which to capitalize - the guitar market is full of it.

/END RANT

Births

Bobby Tench - Jeff Beck Group
Don Felder - Eagles
Faith Hill - [sigh]
Nuno Bettencourt - Extreme
Mama Cass Elliot - a Mama with the Papas (Ellen Naomi Cohen)
Lita Ford - 62!!! metal momma


Exits

Jaco Pastorius - Weather Report, simply the best
Boz Burrell - Bad Company
Leonard Skinner - high school gym teacher, inspiration for Lynyrd Skynyrd
Slim Dusty, Skeeter Davis - go ahead and guess what kind of music they played

SJW Sniveling

JK Rowling banned from bookshelves to create a ‘safe space for the trans community’  Book burnings! Harry Potter Dons Dior!

Church's woke advert featuring a bearded Jesus with women's breasts and make-up sparks outrage


Twitter investigates racial bias in image previews

  also font color and size 

Honey, Get the Fire Extinguisher - there are Salesmen at the Door

Things got even weirder last night, when we had about seven people knock at the door, all using the same knock. This makes things interesting if I have to work, watch tv, eat, or breathe. Our lovely new child is highly agitated by the door, starting the barking immediately and not stopping til about 10 minutes later. Like most of us, I refuse to answer the door, because it's never anything important - usually people telling me they happen to be doing work in the neighborhood and would I like an estimate... No thank you, SLAM. Vote for me (don't piss the dog off - she's a libertarian). I'm selling dirty socks for college..... SLAM.  Like the phone ringing, the door is just another irritant.



While taking the fur child for her morning trip outside, I started wondering..... [shaky video wooooo]. How do dogs decide where to do their stuff? The smell of each blade of grass hasn't changed overnight. Is one spot naturally better than another? Will the yard need to be defended from birds and squirrels? What if people had this routine?

"I gotta go before we eat - be right back."
Up steps... into bedroom... kick over some laundry and go through it, throw dirty clothes here and there... into bathroom. Kick over trash, spread it evenly across the floor... shit - this place stinks of ammonia or something... into guest room, jump on bed.... turn over trash... nah, not right.  Back downstairs, check out the window for people walking on my sidewalk.... yell at them a few times... into kitchen.... empty trash and spend some quality time digging through it and moving it around... yell at kids... yell at wife.. yell at company and sniff their laps. Finally, as if a light came on, run to bathroom... give final approval... do my stuff.  Sigh... all is well.

HONEY - someone needs to come in here and pick up after me!

• Define 'kinky'   - dog chewies in bed
• Define 'kinkier'   - dog eating chewies in bed while you're gettin busy

Dear lefty:

• Sam Smith, of San Salvador, asks why we're so ornery.
• Fuck you, Sam.

The American Psychological Association, long known for their great expertise on matters of gun ownership, says that traditional masculinity is harmful. If SJWs can reach the APA, we're doomed. The APA has some small influence... do you want to be treated by people who think your gender is harmful? As if they don't have a bad reputation already....

• Remember: if you shoot em, they'll never do it again.

Oh Charles...

Yes, my darling?

Oh Charles... feel my left breast.

Just the left one, my darling?

Yes, Charles. I'm saving the right one for marriage.

• My email program did a cleanup today. It saved exactly the amount of space my first hard drive had: 40 megs. It's interesting to think about this stuff... our phones have more RAM and horsepower than we could imagine 'back then'.

My house is so cold....

HOW COLD IS IT?

It's so cold, we have to put things in the fridge to keep them from freezing.

• Some kid in a Philly high school dyed his hair green, in support of Dem Iggles. The moment he gets a car, there will be a green Idiot Flag hanging on a window.

I think that Amazon Ring thing is pretty damn cool. Who couldn't love a video feed of whoever approaches your house? Unfortunately, Amazon security is an oxymoron. They're incredibly easy to access and Ring has a history of lax security. And of course, this involves The Cloud. And of course when The Cloud is involved, something will be misconfigured and accessed. And of course it was left open and everyone's videos were accessed. Internet of things: a very slow moving train wreck, where the train is carrying serious explosives.

• Honey - my adult diapers are here!

Yes, it's snowing.
And yes, I know I shouldn't complain about snow in the winter, but that won't stop me. The dog, who saw her first snow last year, is not impressed. She came from somewhere warm, where I'd like to move. I want snow to be something we watch on tv news, when it's happening in another state.

I asked a tv weatherman what the stats said on rain and general gloom. He told me the stats weren't different. The other day I heard that last year set the record for most rain in a year. They didn't mention total days without sun because they didn't want people to start committing suicide in large numbers. Rest assured, it would be filmed for reality tv, plus every idiot with a phone would be out, because you didn't die if it wasn't livestreamed on Faceyspaces.

Existential Dilemma: I've never been on Faceyspaces, therefore I don't exist. I'll bet you feel funny about reading this now, don't you?



Dear lefty:

• Dan Diamond, of Dover, Delaware, says you wouldn't know grammar if it jumped up and bit you.
• Readers often ask me why I hate people...

GUITAR PLAYERS
Don't tell anybody, but I'm going to let you in on a can't miss financial opportunity. Since all guitar players are poor (except Slash), we need all we can get.

With the news that Sears is closing, now's the time to pick up some bargains. Lowell George, RIP, of Little Feat, used a Craftsmen 11/16" socket for a slide. Get down to Sears and buy all the 11/16" sockets you can find. Craftsmen tools are moving to Lowes, so they'll still be around. Wait about a year, then sell the Special Lowell George 11/16" sockets. Mention that they're pre-Lowes, because the Lowes sockets don't sound as good.

Trust me, non-guitar players... this is hysterical.