My Emotional Support Elephant Pilots my Emotional Support F-35

Your love is like  a nice toaster thrown in the tub

Best story of the month: Sea cucumber shoots sticky tubes out of its butt

Today I identify as  a Rabid Religionoid, bent on legislating my morals

Somebody told me Shakira got divorced.

I already warned Wife that the calls are likely to start again.

She claims she doesn't know who Shakira is.

This will change when the phone calls start.

Shakira is Temptation with hips. She's a walking Marital Issue.

The doctors tell me I did well last time. 

Marriage Temptation be damned!

We’re one step closer to reading an octopus’s mind

Turns out they're more intelligent than the average voter!

• Hey, what happened to those 'things' shot down over Canada and the US? I don't remember hearing anything, except that no one was thinking of releasing the info... I guess they succeeded.

 

Dalai Lama regrets asking boy to 'suck my tongue'

Oh, Jesus (sorry), he's becoming a Catholic priest.

Rudy Gobert apologises after throwing punch at Minnesota Timberwolves team-mate Kyle Anderson

It seems I'm missing out on something important. Perhaps I should rob a bank then apologize. You too. In fact, try it out and let me know how it works.

Clarence Thomas and Bohemian Grove: What goes on at the all-male club?

This can't be true: Alex Jones discovered Bohemian Grove. We all know he's a crazy conspiracy theorist and hurts people's feelings for a living.

You've probably experienced or heard of this before: you search for something on the web, then you get ads for it on Faceyspaces. Are you ok with this?  When you installed the app, you gave it permissions to the entire phone. Faceyspaces knows everybody in your contacts, as well as your browser history, which prompts the ads. You might do better using Faceyspaces through a browser, as opposed to the app. Of course you know my recommendation would be to avoid Faceyspaces like ebola.  Google and Alexa do this too, through the microphone.

Autopilot Cars and the Musk Follies 

Cruise emits software fix after self-driving car slams into bus

how many of us haven't wanted to slam into a bus?

Tesla workers shared images from car cameras, including “scenes of intimacy”

NOW they're upset. Not when they bought a car with a camera inside. Of course Tesla employees are going to have the pictures and videos. Not a wise group of buyers.

Lawsuit: Tesla must be punished for “tasteless” sharing of car-camera images

It was a leak, you big dummy.

Twitter lawyer quits as Musk’s legal woes expand, report says

Tesla Semi, out since December, already facing a recall over brakes

I'd rather have random braking than brake failure, wouldn't you?

Principal Sends $100,000 of School Funds to Fake Elon Musk, Claims She Was 'Groomed'

School principal resigns after writing $100,000 check to Elon Musk impersonator

Tesla Model X seat belt failures spur a new federal investigation

How did my Tesla fail me? Let me count the ways:

1. spontaneous combustion
2. rear seat becomes ejection seat
3. steering wheel falls off
4. belt failures
5. takes pictures of me doing Stuff with my wife (and sheep) and posts them on the employee bulletin board
6. I am an idiot who can't grasp the difference between driver-ASSIST and auto-drive

Twitter says source code was leaked on GitHub, now it’s trying to find the culprit

In-car subscriptions are not popular with new car buyers, survey shows

Who wants to pay for radio, 'infotainment' and phone?

I was watching news of a current trial. The defendant has odd religious beliefs; Mormon mixed with something else. The commentator referred to it as "some sort of kooky religion."

That's interesting. I wonder if there will be any blowback. All religions are kinda kooky. Is there a Kooky Meter, with different spots for different religions? Why are her Mormon+something else beliefs kookier than talking snakes and incest? Ok, this one mentions bodies being taken over by other beings, but still... you get my drift. I'm with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and we're fighting for our religious right to wear a colander on our heads for our drivers license picture. You laugh, but it's a lot less dangerous than nailing people to wood, messing with little boys, stoning women, killing gays, and beating each other about the head and buttocks with palms. Where was I?

ABBA just lost their guitar player, who was only 70. Their bass player kicked off recently too. I think the band is breaking up by attrition. It's some strange version of Spinal Tap, whose drummers all exploded.

Now, onto the sensitive topic of stains. Well, not so much stains, as what my friend refers to as "Don't forget to feed your shirt." When I was younger, I fed my clothes now and then. Now that I'm less younger, I notice it happening more frequently. My grip seems to be pretty solid (probably why Wife covers her chest and runs when I come in the room). I don't shake badly enough to discharge soda from the can (people drink soda from a glass?). Yet as soon as I start eating, BOOM - it travels right to my clothes. It's mostly the shirts, but that doesn't mean it never hurts the pants. Just today, Wife was laughing at me (not strange) because my sandwich was leaking all over me. This one actually occupied a softball-sized patch of my shirt. Now, let me tell you why this was her fault.

I'm going to pick up lunch. Write down what you want.

Ok (writing): a brisket sandwich. If they don't start serving brisket sandwiches til 4:37, a burger.

[returns with lunch]

HA - that sandwich is leaking all over you!

That's because I ordered brisket. If not, then a burger. You got me pulled pork. Even in Philly, burgers aren't pulled pork. They also don't leak.

Oh, sorry, I didn't look at the list.

But you asked me to write it down.

Sorry.

I'm never going to win, first because I'm married. Second because I'm married to Mrs. lefty. You simply can't plan for whatever chaos she will inject into the process.

So she's only an indirect cause of my stains. Ooh, that didn't sound good. 

• I am not allowed near the washer and dryer, so that's not it either.
• I don't wear anything white, so I'm not a ketchup magnet.
• I like my in-laws

So what IS the cause of my Incredible Staining Activity and Prowess?

Why was I viciously attacked by pork?

Why does soda leap from the can? Does it think it will clean the pork stains?

The answer, as Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe, could be aliens. Aliens are a great explanation for anything. It's not like anyone can prove you wrong: even kooky religious people. Of course some believe that aliens can take over your body, so it's kooky all over the universe.

We hold the talk on Stain Reasons to go back to the above-mentioned trial.

Let's say the defendant claimed that aliens took over the bodies of her children, so her religion said it was imperative to kill them, then get married in Hawaii the following week. Although there is no insanity defense in that state, aliens can go a good way to getting you declared Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. This is why I was kicked out of law school. Before I applied.

If it's not aliens, perhaps it's Wife, who turns out to have Super Powers. When I eat, she bends time and disappears into an alternate universe, where she can stain my clothes, unknown to me. She un-bends time, and I'm sitting there, believing I just spilled Code Red all over my clean shirt.

If Wife doesn't have Super Powers. or doesn't want to show me she has them, maybe the dog does. It doesn't make a lot of sense to get me stained, when she can leap up and get the whole sandwich, but I don't know how dogs think. I do know she likes Fritos. That was a surprise, and completely non-staining. She's not a fan of bread, but will somehow get hold of pizza crust and carry it around for a while, like a prize. It's not quite the same prize as dropping a dead rodent on Mommy, but we do what we can. The day she dropped the rabbit head on the floor was unsettling. It was right out of the Godfather, without the silly accents and barking with marbles in her mouth. I'm not even sure what she was trying to tell us... we don't have a rabbit. Or a horse, but people like me don't belong on horses. People like me belong in Lincoln Town Cars, which ride smooth as silk and feel not even a bump when running over lesser cars. I'm a city boy; I like malts and malls. I have hayfever. I can barely clean out the car, no less care for a horse. Then there would be the inevitable police stops, where they'd desperately try to find something to ticket me for....  

Sir. do you realize your tail light is out?

I don't have a tail light, just a tail.

Your windows are tinted too dark.

I don't have any windows.

Uhhhh.... let me see your license, registration, insurance, and naked pictures of your wife.

Why do you need my insurance papers? 

 You ran over a child while burning.

That was a Tesla

Look, I'm giving you a verbal warning. Just don't do it again.

[gets license back without the $100 bill wrapped around it] 

Have you ever left the house smelling like pork? The social stigma is immense and embarrassing. On the other hand, if you can figure out a way to smell like Brussels sprouts, no one will bother you.

Forget the Moon, Let's Go to Uranus. Lots of Stuff on Uranus.

 Your love is like  a couple of broken limbs

• this week's best malware name: Squirrelwaffle
• this week's worst 'feature': new hi-res icon

Today I identify as  a supply shortage

The equipment we left on the Moon is experiencing significant failures.

The Chinese, who are on the Dark Side of the Moon, keep hearing Pink Floyd and their ship keeps moving from where it was parked while they're out on exploration.

Namibia, who told no one they landed there, keeps feeling someone tapping them on the shoulder, but there's no one there.

The Russians noticed something kept moving around their toilet paper, making it feel just like home.

It's the aliens. They want us off the Moon.

Can you blame them? Look at the trash we leave behind. Plus we keep firing bombs at it to see if it's round. We're really more trouble than we're worth. No one wants us leaving Earth because we'll infect the rest of the solar system.

But seriously, Folks.... why the Moon... again?

To the best of my knowledge, we've been there, done that.

We even lost large amounts of knowledge of what and how we did it, and the people who did it are dead.

A number of countries have probes on Mars.

We have craft that can get there and beyond, but NASA is the people-facing part of space flight.

Yet we're spending billions to put a man on the moon. Again.

Excuse me; a man, a woman, a person of color, and other underrepresented minorities.

• Biden concedes his COVID stimulus checks fueled spike in inflation
• #ImpeachBiden

Flying AIDS News

Austria orders non-vaccinated people into COVID-19 lockdown

Why it can be hard to prove a vaccine caused a bad outcome [because you can't distinguish BEFORE the shot from AFTER the shot?]  

Italy is requiring workers, public and private, to get government-issued health passes. The unvaccinated can only keep receiving a paycheck by getting inoculated or undergoing regular testing.

States expand boosters, activate crisis care as delta rolls on

Covid vaccine ‘waning immunity’: How worried should I be?

No, COVID-19 vaccines won’t make you infertile

Fauci Admits: Vaccines Did Not Work as Advertised – Monday Live

Best mask sighting: biker, mask under helmet AND over helmet, while riding

Pressed by @GStephanopoulos what Biden admin can do in the short term to address inflation, National Economic Council director Brian Deese says “we have to finish job on COVID.”   

#ImpeachBiden

• Hackers compromise FBI email system, send thousands of messages
• dontcha feel protected now? 

Another step toward equality: more boys have eating disorders

War on Flight Attendants 

Southwest Airlines employee hospitalized after passenger punched her head

Perhaps airline employees should carry....

• Australian women sue over Qatar airport strip-searches
• because there aren't any

Joe Biden and Xi Jinping: What they want from talks

Xi: Taiwan and trade restrictions

Biden: a lollipop. a red one.

A Covid Christmas

• The FDA hasn't approved a vaccine for the North Pole variant, but wants Santa to take it anyway. The elves will all have to be vaccinated (half dose) because even when vaccinated, Santa could be a carrier. Mrs. Claus will obviously need the shot, or else it's going to be a long, cold year for Santa.
• The CDC says 'whatever the FDA said is good.'  Then the CDC said 'nothing the FDA said is good.'  The WHO said 'nothing' and was unanimous in it. Then the WHO said it hopes it dies before it gets old.
• Santa is a little agitated because Dr. Fauci says Santa will have to wear a mask, both in chimneys and while flying in his sleigh.
• Bill Gates said to shut up and take the shot, or there will be a Windows 12.
• President Taxit mandated that the entire North Pole be vaccinated or be quarantined.
• The union representing the elves is refusing any mandates. A concert was put on by Ted Nugent, who froze his guitars' nuts off. Several elves who got the shot voluntarily had to go on Disability due to the side effects, which include half their body freezing, heart attacks, nose growth, and inability to live in cold climates.
• Santa can only eat milk and cookies at houses with vaccine certificates.
• Since Santa will visit every house and knows if you've been bad or good, he was told he's working for the NSA, whether he likes it or not, or the IRS will audit him back to the beginning of time.
• Christmas trees are in short supply due to Supply Chain Issues. Even fake trees can't be found. No one can be found to sell the trees either, because McDonalds is paying $22 an hour.
• Many North Pole businesses have gone out of business because of the lockdown. There are no reindeer shoes to be found. The union for the reindeer says NFW they're delivering the Fat Man to diseased countries. Lady Gaga did a concert in support of the reindeer, but nobody showed up because all she wore was winter clothing.
• Large groups of parents across the world were closing their chimneys, because the elves and Santa were unvaccinated and the toys could be viral.

In the end, Santa had to stay home because he was not an Essential Business.

The Metaverse Is the Ultimate Surveillance Tool

Silicon Valley is rushing to build the next big thing and people should be skeptical of their intent. Please read and understand this before I have to say 'told you so'.

Your world is pointing toward an insistence on conformity which is causing you enormous grief. It’s what’s at the heart of all of your religious battles, and religious battles are what are at the heart of all of your battles. In other words, all of your wars and global irritation with one another are over your determination to promote sameness. Your democracy insists that it’s the only government that works. And every religion (it’s interesting to note) proclaims that it is the only one that works. - Abraham Hicks

What many famous musicians had to say about Jimi Hendrix

So sorry I missed him.

Roger Daltrey: the internet is destroying humanity

Has the Flying AIDS affected you? Are you having a problem with being shut in?

Talk to someone. Don't keep it inside. Bad Stuff<tm> can happen if you bottle it up. 

A Real Toilet-Buster

Your love is like  intestinal gas

• Despite poor vision and lack of thumbs, it turns out pigs can play video games with their snouts.
• Game designers say no changes are needed

Today the president personally gave to Alzheimer's research. Then he personally gave to Alzheimer's research. He listened to overtures from Huawei that they're not really a threat to national security and scrapped Trump's order that America not use their products because "they seem nice."

• watching the Vevo 70s video channel produces all sorts of interesting things, least of which is the Osmonds, doing Do You Know the Way to San Jose. We're talking pogo sticks and skateboards. It's not only unlistenable, it's unwatchable. There must have been interbreeding.

RIP Larry Flynt (78)- the quintessential First Amendment case. He started Hustler magazine and fought for everyone's free speech.

“My position is that you pay a price to live in a free society, and that price is toleration of some things you don’t like,” he once told the Seattle Times. “You have to tolerate the Larry Flynts of this world.”

The U.S. Supreme Court agreed with him at least once, when he won a long and bitter battle with the Rev. Jerry Falwell, who sued him for libel after a 1983 Hustler alcohol ad suggested Falwell had lost his virginity to his mother in an outhouse.

How can you not respect this man? Read the article, it's actually fascinating.

In my opinion, police cameras are a good thing.

In the opinion of some Beverly Hills cops, they are not. If someone starts filming, the police play loud music. If the filmer tries to livestream or upload the file, it will be rejected by copyright software. Guys - now's the time for good publicity, not this crap.

• HBO Max signs "adult" cartoon about Scooby-Doos Velma.
• Although it's not written yet, LGBTQ+ advocates say the lead character isn't gay enough.

A CDC study backs mask doubling with exposure to risky particles down 83%.

No mention of quadruple masking. Tomorrow the CDC will announce the reasons we need to single-mask. Fauci will say triple-mask. The WHO will say to give them more money. I echo the old saying about ugly women: she's a double-bagger... 1 for if hers falls off, and 1 in case yours falls off.

• UK virus variant on course to sweep world!
• PANIC! shoot the limeys, don't let them into the country, stop watching British tv!

Today I identify as  an incredibly annoying piece of tape, stuck to the bottom of your shoe

Today the Russians had a great laugh about Texas never having seen ice on the roads

Disney has joined the Social Media Police in their mission by firing Gina Carano, co-star of Mandalorian, for her social media posts. Among them are memes about Jeffrey Epstein not killing himself (ummm.... people believe he killed himself?), and Jews were more subject to violence by "neighbors" than by nazis. Seems true - there are not a ton of nazis around today, but there are a ton of antisemites. I saw it growing up - it was Pick on the Jew. She also put beep/bop/boop in her profile, after she was asked to list pronouns for trans allyship. She doesn't have to show any allyship. Instead she poked fun. I do too. What is the problem here? The problem is that she doesn't toe the social media line. Imagine posting personal beliefs in a forum that has nothing to do with your work and getting fired for it. 5 years ago, this would've been funny.

Instagram banned Robert F Kennedy Jr "for repeatedly sharing debunked claims."

Football governing bodies unite to ask Twitter and Faceyspaces to "accept responsibility for preventing abuse."  I can't see the problem here...  they already ban any speech that doesn't agree with their positions.

Hey, didja read about the town in Florida that got breached, with the hacker being allowed to adjust chemicals going into the water? I've been agitated about utilities and lax security for years. Check this out:

The Florida water treatment facility whose computer system experienced a potentially hazardous computer breach last week used an unsupported version of Windows with no firewall and shared the same TeamViewer password among its employees, government officials have reported.

SCADA controls were accessed. The US wrote malware to attack SCADA in Iranian plants years ago. 

We have meet the enemy and it is us.

You must keep your operating system up to date and patched. You must not share passwords. You must use good passwords. 2 factor authentication won't hurt either. You must question the need for something like TeamViewer: the more connection points, the more points of failure. This applies to any network, including your home computer.

If you've got questions, please ask - my advice is free, and worth every bit of what you paid for it.

Dear lefty  

• My girlfriend and I are exclusive. I think she's somewhat less exclusive then me cuz she's ho-ing around town. What should I do?
• what kinda man are you who can't keep his bitches in line? never mind, shove her down the steps and find yourself an exclusive one, who will make your life sheer hell.

Mainstream or Pr0n?  Rent a Girlfriend, We Need to go Deeper, Pink Planet

Did you know that Customs is an enforcement arm for trademarks?

A lady came back from a foreign country with a couple of what looked like fake pocketbooks for gifts. She was halted and examined. The pocketbooks were taken and sent to an expert for a decision on whether they were counterfeit goods. If they were determined to be fake, they would be destroyed. 

The lady brought back some presents. She didn't have 350lbs of them to resell. Regardless, manufacturers should compete, keeping their prices within range. 

I've also seen ICE go to a flea market and raid a stall for counterfeit shirts.

• In celebration of the Mars probe about ready to reach Mars orbit, Dubai's huge Burj Khalifa building is lit up with "Mission Accomplished"
• They would have done much better with Mia Khalifa

Hope, the Dubai Mars craft, will orbit the planet for 365 days (almost a year on Earth) to study the weather. It was put together in concert with US college students, so they Hope it will stay up there. The craft will take Sundays off to work for cosmic social justice.

China's craft, Tianwen-1, will arrive in 2 days. China assures the world that it in no way has the Flying AIDS aboard, to spread to the planet. It will know what the other ships are up to because they were built with Chinese parts. It will spend way too long studying a landing site in a 4 mile deep crater, left by the last landing. It has already told the press the mission has gone perfectly.

The US craft, Perseverance, will arrive 'soon'. It will land in a crater, look for life, and study the feasibility of a McDonalds and an NFL franchise on the planet. It will join Balls, a secret craft sent to assure military superiority on the planet and wiretap any other ships around the planet. Asked why we sent a lander to one stupid crater when we sent an entire rover last time, NASA replied, "That's a good question." For special occasions, it will order dinner from the Chinese craft.

Meanwhile, the Martians are falling down with laughter. They were getting tired of writing stuff on the Mars Rover's windshield. Last time they wrote the exact arrival times of the 3 craft. Again, NASA censored all the pictures. They just got back from giving the Face on Mars a mustache. NASA will explain it away as all copies of the pictures being lost.

Things are going to get 'interesting' with the 3 ships because the Martians are irrepressible. They'll feed false data to the Dubai craft, indicating the climate is just like Los Angeles, except Mondays, when it's 400 degrees FarenKelvin. It will indicate there's a pre-built landing site to the other craft. NASA will then spend $40 billion building a landing site, because there's no life on Mars. The aliens will also get to the landers, writing "Zardok was here" in the dirt, and flattening a tire or 2 on the Rover. One favorite trick is moving the Rover 300 miles away overnight. NASA is flummoxed because the Rover has lasted 3 years, but they don't know the aliens put in a zero-point battery, which will run forever. They also reversed the left and right commands. Xrzis' picnic really got ruined that time. NASA said some dirt got in the camera and just happened to arrange itself in the pattern of aliens having a picnic. Nothing to see here.

• 100 car pileup in DFW, 5 dead, people trapped in cars
• 6:30am, no one has seen nor heard about slick and frozen roads. Some houses don't have heaters. "We Are the World, Frozen" telethon to raise money for winter coats. Bands appearing virtually. President mad because no one in the 100 crashed cars was wearing a mask or socially distanced. 

One of the greatest inventions was the auto-off iron. Although smart people stopped ironing a long time ago, the spirit of the invention was world-changing. You no longer had to remember to turn it off, nor did you have to drive back home to see if you did (several times). This opened the floodgates for similar inventions.

I would like a truly smart tv: if Wife isn't in the room for 5 seconds, it mutes all audio. If it gets to a minute, the tv shuts off. We had a chat about this, because the VOLUME of it gets into my office (and planes flying overhead), so I asked that it be muted when she walked out of the room. As a result, it is never muted. When she leaves the house, it isn't muted. Do you have any idea the animal cruelty charges there are for leaving them with a tv tuned to Wendy? Morning tv? Judge Judy?

Hmmm... how about an auto-up window feature for the car? Sometimes I look out, as it's raining, and the windows are down. "But I need the breeze." Not when you're in the house, Dear. It could be part of an Auto-Normalizer: when the engine shuts off, the windows come up, the stereo gets turned down to merely painful, and the turn signal turns off. If I'm not fully awake, I am after turning on the car.. the radio shakes the neighborhood, I'm freezing, and the turn signal makes its click clock noise. I'd pay extra for a device that vaults empty drink containers into a trash receptacle to be named later.

Know how they say you marry one of your parents? I think my poor wife married her father. Before you feel sorry for her, every other lamp in the house is on. I walk around saying, "Turn the light out." The next day is the same thing. She must have tortured her poor parents. I am told that if she did not go up the steps in a ladylike manner, she had to come back down and do it again. Being who she is, she STAMPED down the steps and STOMPED back up. Then did it again. And again, until the parents got sick of making her do it. You have to admire that. Just 1 of the reasons I married her.  So automatic lights already exist.

Automatic stove: not for my wife, but for my mother, who isn't allowed to use it anymore.   :(

We have gone through 27 kettles this year already, because they keep whistling when she goes to the bathroom. When this happens, she has taken to shooting them. I don't mind gunshots - they keep the neighbors polite, but isn't it a reasonable assumption that when you turn the burner on, it's going to whistle shortly? Maybe go to the bathroom while you're waiting for your mug to cool...

We need a gadget for this, but I'm just not sure what kind. Auto burner off after whistle?

Alarm clock technology has not kept up with the times. People set 3 alarms and either sleep through them or turn all 3 off without realizing it. I'm thinking of a less sophisticated model, using a flyswatter. BEEP BEEP BEEP SWAT. That is an alarm you're not going to sleep through or shut off without remembering it. There are no long-term injuries, and you'll have a lovely imprint on your face (or somewhere) for a few minutes. Anyone else in the house will die laughing, and the embarrassment will keep you awake until coffee.

Possibly at the top of my list would be a personal phone silencer. All calls, bleeps, bloops, messages, email, and any other stupid sound the phone can possibly make will go silent the moment the phone owner is out of the room. Of course this means the owner won't hear the phone ringing, but I consider that a non-issue, or collateral damage. I hear someone else's phone way more than she does. In fact, it doesn't make a single blip until she leaves the room, at which point, it does a demonstration of how loud it can go and how many different annoying noises it can possibly make while I'm the only one in the room. I'm not pointing fingers here - I live with 2 women, so use your imagination... one has 4 legs, the other 2. The feature will be automatic, for obvious reasons. 

Why bother listing these all individually - I'll take an auto-off house.

Better yet, an auto-off life.

Will Somebody Please Pronounce Ghislane?

Your love is like  gray meatballs, from the convenience store. 

Yes, I'm easily impressed. It absolutely knocks me out to watch people typing on their phones with 1 hand. As a guitar player, I have some manual dexterity, but typing with 1 hand is like petting a giraffe's head from Dick Cheney's underground lair. Watching people type quickly is also mind-numbing. I have non-professionally graded my typing as 1 error for every key typed, and this is typing slowly. 

So if you want to impress me, show me you have no gag reflex bang away at the drums phone. Or pop by with some pizza, from the place we tithe to. Like I said, I'm easily impressed.

These made-up days are just giving me headaches.... Black Friday, Black Sunday, Cyber Monday, and now, Giving Tuesday. I noticed there's never a Give to lefty Wednesday, or Show Sympathy to Mrs lefty Sunday. Mind you, sympathy to Mrs lefty is a universal concept. No matter who I introduce to Mrs lefty, their first words are always "I'm so sorry." It doesn't matter if they're from work, bands, plumbing organizations - they always say that. Don't ask me - I have no idea. I'm a heavenly experience every day.

Today I identify as   that alien thing from the movie, that covered their faces

As the Flying AIDS vaccine approaches, we need to decide who gets its first. And who decided who gets it first. At this point, a committee of 'expert' advisers for the CDC makes recommendations. We need someone with more mojo, like the people who decide which shoes are going on sale at Target, or what coffee will be the special at Starbucks - people with import, style, and the aforementioned mojo. 

After we (they) decide on who decides, it's time to decide who gets the Magic Flying AIDS Cure<tm> first..

• some of the most important people in the world are the staff of convenience stores. Where will you get your coffee and donuts in the morning before going off to do your important work? Think about it.
• operators of adult websites - they're the highest rated for some reason or other, plus we need something to do while imprisoned in our own houses
• pizza delivery - do I really need to explain?

Of course we'll need a list of the last people to get vaccines too...

• anybody in media - do you really need to read about this shit anymore?
• Congress
• people who send emails with emojis in the subject
• the Top 20 album sales - truly disposable
• CDC and WHO executives
• anybody who doesn't want it and/or doesn't trust it

My very complicated relationship with Guitar Center continues, with the latest email telling me to have no regrets about taking advantage of the deals. Just the other day it was threatening to tell my wife about some visit I made with a woman who wasn't her, and now it wants me to take advantage of it. This is what you call a dangerous retail establishment: you know no matter what you do, it's not going to work out well, possibly involving the police and a no-contact order.  So I'm warning you, good readers, not to fall for any of this stuff. It will not work out well, and you cannot access ThermionicEmissions in jail.

Perhaps because of the holidays, the aliens are still at it. The disappeared Utah monolith which turned up in Romania has itself disappeared. These guys are really active this season, maybe because the Betelgeuse situation has been solved. I don't know these aliens any better than you, but I'd watch my anus, if I were you.

• UPDATE: the monolith re-reappeared, atop a California mountain. Although the aliens have an interesting sense of humor, it is somewhat less than fully developed.

Dear lefty  

• Should I remove my hat when indoors?
• although it is societal convention, you should definitely keep yours on - you do not want the top of your head visible, generally from the neck up.

It Went BOOM 

The Arecibo telescope, starting to have 'destructive events' lately, has gone all the way and collapsed. 

Invasive wasps are creating incidents with passenger planes.

An absolutely ingenious way to get rid of surveillance tech has reared its absolutely ingenious head: discover the tech is actually racist, misidentifying black faces and confusing broom handles with guns. As we know, anything even accused of racism is a non-starter. So we just identify all surveillance tech as racist - no problem.

One of the biggest booms in my life was Led Zeppelin. I never got to see them live. This article puts kind of a nasty period on one of my favorite bands. For years, I've wondered why we hear no more... I think we have an answer.

• the Amazon Quantum Uncertainty Delivery Principle is in high gear, having proved thus far that November 31 is November 31, but packages to be delivered November 31 will be delivered December 1-2. 
• The aforementioned Principle has been further modified to show that any day a package is promised for delivery has a higher chance of a Kennedy being elected (and remaining) in high office.

A new view of international financial health has been introduced by a Chicago aquarium, which takes its penguins for field trips to movie theaters, art museums, and football stadiums. Apparently the birds like to get out and be stimulated, when they're not following their keepers around.

I have inadvertently wound up with a Wife Detector. It only works at home:

It's Penny, the Wonder English Cocker.

When Mommy leaves, Penny's by the window, pining away. While this doesn't tell me where Mommy went, shoe shopping is always a good guess.

When Mommy's in her office, I know because Penny's in my office, staring intently at me, hoping I'll open Mommy's office door so Penny can sit next to her. She will continue to sit there, with her huge brown eyes, begging me to get her mother.

Cockers with abandonment issues (redundant, I know) can be put to good use.

• Teen makes dress out of 1400 mangoes to highlight food waste
• might also be highlighting mental instability, which should be looked into

An International Council on These Sorts of Things<tm> has expressed alarm over the LGBT communities' inclusion, thus far expanding their abbreviation to LGBTQIA+. The Council warns that their moniker hurts tolerance by requiring more letters every few months, ruining old letterhead and requiring new, plus putting people who don't know the latest few letters at risk from the tolerant group.

An Oscar-nominated actor came out as trans; formerly coming out as queer. Pretty soon there will be a checklist, I fear. 

I look at this the same way as I look at hiring people: the best person for the job - not their color, gender, race, or feelings about vanilla over chocolate. Naturally this fellow is being praised as a superhero, not for his acting ability, but for coming out.

Warning: guys, if you look at his picture and say you'd ask for a date, you'd be queer too. Perhaps this will require even more designations, whereby you get some percentage for being attracted to someone's birth gender, as opposed to current one. Nah, you'd wind up tarred as some sort of -phobic. Contrary to current belief, there are some benefits to being CIS-hetero.

The fellow who played Darth Vader, in the costume, has passed

When asked for comment, his voice said, "We've got the MEAT."

The UK is the first country to approve a 'fully tested' Flying AIDS vaccine.

It has been stated to be around 95% (that's 15% British) successful. Aside from the conversationally nasty nose hair, tendency for eyeballs to stare at each other (when they're not rolling backwards, into the head, like errant slot machines), occasional sex change, tendency to make you threaten the Nicaraguan President, permanent foot switch from left to right, joining foreign nose-picking competitions,  voting repeatedly for Biden, and repeated efforts to kill your own children, or anyone else's), this is a perfectly safe vaccine. Boris Johnson would have taken it himself, but he is just a hair frightened about the dunking one's head in acid side effect, which the Ministry of Silly Side Effects has listed, in a sealed filing cabinet, at the home of the lead janitor, up on the roof, under 12 other sealed filing cabinets, for public display. 

Twitter - DC Cesspool6%

1. The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. 

2. If they survive, the vaccine is safe

3. If they don't, the country is safe.

Heroes of the Stupid  

France, which is closing its ski slopes over Christmas, to protect everyone from the Flying AIDS, is imposing random border checks to stop citizens from skiing in neighboring Switzerland. And we thought Idiot Governor and Idiot Mayor had some ridiculous ideas...

An apparent Taylor Swift fan defaced Lana Del Ray and Dua Lipa's (2 Lips) Spotify pages. It's good to see, that in these days of the Flying AIDS, that Really Important Work<tm> is being done.

It's Just Lesbians Looking at Your Penis

 

Your love is like  those little flies that fly around your head, pissing you off

You know that moment of screaming terror... when the alarm goes off....

I'm thinking to myself, as I strain not to go back to sleep, that it's pretty nice that we've had no snow the past few years. I hear this weird noise and get up to look. Someone's shoveling the tiny amount of snow that just fell. I don't want to have this kind of control over the weather. 

• Win10 allows you 10 days to roll back a new feature update. 
• The pope wants to grant them a humanitarian award, but his computer won't update.

Today I identify as  Ron Jeremy's penis, 20 years ago

My company is kind of sticky about its processes, and rightly so. My new project requires wiring up some internal seats with 120 volts. I always wanted to do this with keyboards, but chairs are pretty efficient too. The problem is that the seats are on a different circuit, so I have to request the necessary circuit access. Only having been there 6 years or so, I have never done this, so I had to ask. I filled out the required forms, then got a Tuesday Error. It was in huge red letters, in a huge red box, across the entire form. So I figured I should probably do something. I asked my team, which has perfected the skill I never did and never will: total silence, bordering on invisibility. Eventually my boss took pity on me and pointed out how to get rid of the Big Red Box. POOF - no more Big Red Box, POOF - off went my electricity request. The following morning, the same boss who helped me get rid of the Big Red Box looked at the request and asked if I filled out the Chaos Form. The Chaos Form would wire random seats with voltage, instead of specific seats. Honesty is my policy, so I told him no. The reason for the no is that I didn't KNOW about the Chaos Form. To make things more interesting, no one knew where to locate the Chaos Form. My days (and sometimes nights) are filled with this kind of Chaos. Eventually the Chaos Form will arrive, at which point I will fill it out, then my boss will point out I filled it out wrong, not having included the subChaos Addition Form. After another month or so, I'll have the entire request filled out correctly (or so I think), then it will move on to the next stage, which is the next department rejecting the request for some completely vague or way too specific reason. I expect to have these seats wired, roughly in 2025, if not later.

Since it's snowing, it's time for the Snow Removal Game.

There are several ways of getting snow removed..... my favorite is using the sun. Even though I live in Southeast Pennsylvania, the sun shines up to twice a week, so at some point it will melt the snow.

Years ago, my crazy neighbor, who was only 425 years old, had someone clear her areas with a snowblower. He was a nice fellow and did ours too. We gave him alcohol (and other incendiary devices). Crazy Lady forbade him from doing our sidewalk, for some reason. 

Since it rained up to 7 days a week, that usually washed the snow away.

Before the Flying AIDS, I worked in an actual place that wasn't my house, so I had to remove the snow, at least to get the car out. Mrs lefty used the Guilt Card, so I had to do the sidewalk too. If it snowed hard, I usually moved my back into interesting positions, sometimes for days. Drugs didn't help, nor did alcohol, nor did drinking. Even YooHoo failed me.

Last year, an enterprising youth came by. We haven't seen any enterprising youth in years, so it was exciting. The little bastard charged me $25 to clear a few feet of sidewalk. I'd still hire him to mow.

Pennsylvania has a Patreon account to buy itself a climate.

Dear lefty  

• Imma axe you a question.
• Stop listening to that rap stuff. It's not good for you.

It's not that I hate Windows, it's that I hate Windows. And Microsoft in general. I spent an incredible amount of time trying to figure out how to compare 2 Excel files. It did not go well. Then I brought in a coworker. We continued to work, with absolutely no success. My company has no Subject Matter Expert on Excel. Or much of anything else. If you're not familiar, a Subject Matter Expert is someone you can call on when you're stuck with that program. You become a Subject Matter Expert by being seen to operate the program once. I'm Subject Matter Expert on several programs, after my team saw me use them in a meeting.

So I asked a very smart friend of mine, who does this sort of thing for a living, and he gave me an idea. So with 10 suggestions from a search, plus my friend's suggestion, neither my coworker or I could move things an inch. Many of the suggestions revolved around a huge COMPARE WORKSHEET button at the top left. I liked where this was going, only I had no COMPARE WORKSHEET button anywhere on my sheet. After a bit more searching, I found out I didn't have a COMPARE WORKSHEET button because that was a different version of Excel. Of course it was. I needed to install an Excel addin, a feat which required its own set of instructions, and was not called anything like COMPARE WORKSHEET. After much wrangling, and a break for target shooting, I got the addin added in. We were off, and when I say we were off, I mean we were way off - the addin completely failed to work. I must say one thing about Microsoft: they're consistent.

We're saying out loud that billions of people use Excel, and it's a pretty important function to see the difference between 2 files. When Bob's Auto puts together a spreadsheet of part prices, then gets another spreadsheet with 157 more parts, Bob might not have the time to go down the list manually, adding in each of the 157 parts, after he finds them among the 6136 existing parts. So.... a difference function might be handy dandy. Yet the 2 of us have had no luck getting 1 going. Mind you, several of the searches we found were directly from Microsoft, so we had some faith in them (fools that we were). 

So now we're at the point where we've spent way too much of our employer's time on this, not that our employer cares, plus one of us is out on a pre-planned sick day. Another method of determining the difference is giving me hope, except it keeps looking for other things that I don't care about and don't know where they are. This might sound hilarious to you because there are 4 types of Excel Users: actual experts, functional users, casual users, and me. I can very successfully open the program, yes sir, with the best of them. I can open spreadsheets with the program. I can even do stuff with the '@', if I must say so myself. I probably opened DOS spreadsheets when these people were babies. But this is getting to me. As God is my witness, I will have a difference between these 2 *$*#ing spreadsheets if I have to have someone else do it for me, for fear I'll have an aneurysm (then show me how for next time). 

Oops, no. Several coworkers felt sorry for me and offered to take a look. I'm not one to go into conspiracies (STOP LAUGHING) but they're absent the following day.

• Somebody hid my shaver and now my mustache hairs are doing battle with my nose hairs. It's all very itchy, until the battle starts to involve swords.
• As a result, my fingers are always either on my mustache or up my nose. This would be unbelievably cool if I weren't working from home.
• Speaking of working at home, it could be several lifetimes more, as I keep hearing there was an instance of the Flying AIDS in the building. Or someone who knew someone who walked by someone who might have been exposed to it. I like it at home - I really do. It just makes me work that much harder to terrorize my coworkers.

Meanwhile, Mrs lefty goes out foraging for chicken sandwiches, taking Penny for support. While in the drive thru lane, somebody buys Penny an ice cream, and several children come over to say hello. The ladies in the lefty household are hot. The lone guy at home has to pay for his own ice cream. But all is well, except for the tornado warning. There's a lot of weather out there today.

• Amazon would like me to know that the "no sweat, we'll have it here today" package will not, in fact, be arriving today. 
• Welcome to Amazon, where quantum physics rules: today is tomorrow or today could be the next day. It's the Quantum Delivery Uncertainty Principle
• you'd never know I flunked science 

After our friends, those inimitable jokesters, the aliens, deposited and removed a 'monolith' in Utah, another has appeared in Romania. When asked for comment, both the US and Romanian governments said, "It is a curious happening. We have no idea how it got there, but we know it wasn't aliens - that's for sure." The large metal thing has circular scribblies all over it; some call it art. 

Meanwhile, the aliens are hysterical. "Earthlings call anything art," they say through their laughter. "We made scribblies on it with an Illudium Q-32 Explosive Space Modulator, and the Earthies (that's what we call you people) are already listing artists who could have produced it. You Earthies are so brainwashed by your governments into thinking we don't exist that our next gag will be a 100' monolith by the White House, that says 'Aliens Exist - who do you think put this here?'  You see, our scientists have conquered space and time travel, so we have a lot of free time on our hands."

If all your energy goes into keeping yourself awake, maybe you should be sleeping

- Frank Zappa, Frank Sinatra, Dan Rather, Dan Rowan, Tracy Lords, me

At the Airport 

Ma'am, did you ingest any drugs?

No.

You're looking awful lumpy.

I'm on a diet.

We're going to x-ray you.

Ok.

Ma'am, the x-rays show you have a shit ton of packages inside you.

I'm visiting for the holidays-they're presents.

If they're drugs, you could be dead in minutes.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ma'am, how many packets of drugs did you swallow?

24.

You've expelled 42.

I'm dyslexic.

These slightly discolored packets test positive for cocaine.

It's not mine.

It came out of your body. 

That's not my body.

How did the drugs that aren't yours get into the body that also isn't yours?

They forced me.

Who forced you?

The guys.

What guys?

The guys. You know, the guys at the airport.

What guys?

They told me my brother would never get the sex change operation unless I swallowed these packages. I never swallowed in my life. Don't you understand - my brother worked all his life for a vagina...

At the Other Airport 

Sir, we've selected you for a random search, based upon your suitcase, your travel plans, and the size of your earlobes.

Ok.

Did you buy your ticket?

Ah, no.

Who bought it?

A friend.

What's your friend's name?

I dunno.

Not a very good friend, then.

Why do you say that - he bought me a plane ticket to Columbia.

Did he give you anything?

Yeah, this suitcase.

Anything else?

Yeah, he said he'd pay me to take the suitcase.

Didn't anything occur to you?

Yes - how nice of him it was to buy me a plane ticket and give me a suitcase to go to Columbia.

Sir, as you can see from the scale, you're carrying 5 kilograms of cocaine.

It's not mine.

It was in the suitcase you were carrying.

It's not my suitcase; my friend gave it to me.

Sir, if you cooperate with us, we can get your sentence cut down from 8 years to 6 years. What was your friend's name?

He called himself Whitey.

Not Bob? Not a last name?

Nope, just Whitey. 

Any other identifying characteristics?

He was black.

Officer, take him away. Tell the judge 20 years.

Narrator: all over the world, ugly people are targeted to smuggle drugs.

Don't be ugly. Don't smuggle drugs.

This has been a public service message on behalf of the Ugly Stupid People's Association on Stopping Drug Trafficking.

Happys 

Clare Torry - Pink Floyd's The Great Gig in the Sky

John Mayall

Billy Idol is 65. Isn't that enough?

Jaco Pastorious

Bye Byes

Allan Sherman - Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda

George Harrison - Something

Thinking of Becoming a Chimney Sweep

The clothing allowance sucks and sex on the job always involves the fire department.



So sue me: I watch science shows.
Particularly good are the ones featuring Bob Ballard. He wears a hat, so you can't miss him.
He also has some expensive equipment and tiny Hyundais that can withstand the incredible pressure of the deep sea. The pressure could crush most things on the planet, except possibly Dick Cheney.

Ballard manages to find stuff. Life finds a way, and does so in most environments, even the very deep sea. They're called extremophiles - they even exist in space; proving that politicians will exist everywhere. There are all sorts of things down there, like large tubes that shoot out hot black stuff, medium tubes that shoot out carbon dioxide [CRbN Ox2], and small tubes that shoot out commercials. Much life is black because they can't see at that depth, plus it's impossible to get laundry service below 500 feet.  Remember: nothing down there has nipples, in case that affects your plans.

Make sure you phone ahead for a reservation: they don't get many visitors, and you're likely to interrupt things you don't want to see.

Ballard's theory is that life began in the sea. I agree with him, but then the aliens genetically modified sea life and produced us. The things we see in the skies are the aliens returning. This is a bit of bad luck.. they'll take one look at the place and halt the experiment immediately and violently.

• Hey, if you 'just happen to 'peruse' the adult Wife Lovers website, it's been hacked and the information you never put there is in the wild. The explanation for the hack is very technical: it was protected by a 40 year old encryption method that can be cracked by moose (even Clyde, the special moose).
• Double disappointment here: your information is for sale AND the site is down.

Remember the story about the Chinese inserting a tiny chip on Super Micro motherboards that would grant them access to the entire server? Me neither.

Super Micro rushed to action and just now put out a release. They have maintained all along that there is no such thing. Even the Department of Homeless Security and the US Securities and Exchange Commission agree it didn't happen. DHS said, "We... I mean.. They did not plant a single chip on motherboards, on the upper right hand side, next to resistor R34 and the remote detonator." Amazon never found anything, and in a press release said, "We found nothing, and we are prepared to back this up by actually looking at the motherboard next time." Even that stupid geeky kid from the commercials agrees.

Super Micro, in their defense, has to begin a multi-million dollar investigation to prove something doesn't exist. This is a logical fallacy, like the alt-right taking over Hollywood. In sympathy, I have volunteered the staff and readers of ThermionicEmissions to prove honest politicians exist.

At no point has anybody asked WHY ARE WE USING CHINESE PARTS in critical systems?

• Amazon wants ICE to buy its facial recognition software.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• As if ICE isn't already using it.

If you're ever in the kind of mood that makes life worth living, ask yourself if the Return on Investment on ICE is in the positive range. If that hasn't torpedoed your mood, ask if the entire government's ROI is in the positive range. That should take care of any remaining positivity until I come up with another question.

• We have spoken of hacks caused by open Amazon buckets. The obvious answer is to keep your buckets closed. The interesting piece of information here is that the buckets are closed by default: you have to open them on purpose. We is perfeshunells.

Kaley Cuoco is on the cover of some women's magazine, looking pretty nice. Kaley and I have a long history, what with her calling all the time. My wife got tired of telling her not to call again, even though she knows I'm faithful. She called again after her first marriage imploded (I told her not to do it). Anyway, if you look at the magazine cover closely, her lips are actually saying 'lefty'. Check it out.

• I just wanted everyone to know that if I can't get the visitor numbers up, I will write more.

"I like Diet Coke - it's super good.

I like putting together furniture. I'm also into friends who leave voice messages."

Normally, I can tell what advertisements are up to. This one baffles me. 

Is it because I'm not 20-something? Because I have a brain? Because I don't fuck chickens?

Do you think I can sell this through lefty's Ad Agency?

"I like Coke. I hate Diet Coke. In fact, the only thing worse than Diet Coke is Diet Pepsi.  I like pissing people off. I'm also into sex before the first date. Did you know Coke can be used to strip paint on cars?" If you put high fructose corn syrup on your nipples, they grow to an enormous size.

• It's not that this show is old, but the laptops have floppy drives

Dear lefty, Security 'Expert':

lefty, my radio app goes out to Russia. Are they trying to hack my phone?
     - Blue in Antarctica

Dear Frigid:
No, they're trying to influence eyebrow fashions. The solution to this, and all cell phone problems, is mistakenly dropping it in the toilet and accidentally flushing.

• I will always be freaked out by the shows about guys with four or more wives. I won't watch any of them, but the concept makes my head spin... four times the bitching, four times the kids, and four women who won't sleep with him.

• Out of 7.6 billion people on the planet, you're definitely one of them.*

*World population has experienced continuous growth since the end of the Great Famine of 1315–17 and the Black Death in 1350.   Good times...




Please... I beg of you.. stop the nonsense..... there's apparently a tv show called Black Jesus.

• Why not Martian Jesus... he'd be green, like me.
• Further, I demand a show called White Oprah
• all Asian sports teams - especially basketball and hockey.
• Law and Order SUV, featuring an all Mexican cast with heavy accents
• M*A*S*H with blacks: who else would the army put in the middle of a war? They could do a lot with Klinger....
• the Jackson family tribute, with white, female musicians

I read something about what Jesus looked like. They used actual science to demonstrate it. The first point was Jesus is pictured as a caucasian fellow with a beard, but Jesus didn't really look like an Allman Brother. Jesus probably looked exactly like anyone else at the time (because if not, it would have gone worse for him. Worse than crucifixion?).

I don't have the picture they used, but it was kinda similar to Saul Rubinek, a semitic looking guy with dark hair, maybe a beard. Saul was in Warehouse 13 and might have appeared briefly in an original Star Trek episode.

I got some of that Jamie Lee Curtis Activia Probiotic yogurt, largely because Mrs lefty bought some. As I ate it, I looked at the label: thousands of probiotics in this yogurt!  It made me sick. I can almost see the little bastards, congregating on top of the yogurt, mocking me. And I'm supposed to eat that shit?

Let's face it.. yogurt is kinda limited, flavorwise. I can tolerate strawberry and blueberry, but that's about it. It's not like they have very chocolate. There's a vanilla, but it's too subtle. They have lemon too, but seriously.. Plus you can only get low fat or no fat varieties. What about high fat? Rocky Road? Crunchy Frog? Oreo? Chocolate chip cookie, perhaps. Currently they have gravel, which isn't much variety.

I've been feeling kinda icky lately... tired, achy, sneezy... thinking back, it coincides with the start of eating healthy...   Coincidence? I think not.

• Internet of Things sales are slowing down in Europe and the US, due to privacy concerns. I am so proud of you....

I suspect we are about to see the most serious, violent response ever to a security breach. The Girl Scouts may have had a breach. If people aren't able to get their Thin Mints, there will be rioting in the streets. I would not bet on the safety of the hacker. On the positive side, hackers will seriously reconsider their hacking activities.

• If you're from the US and find yourself entering Canada, on purpose or through error, you might want to consider leaving your medical marijuana at home. Canada does not recognize medical pot. You will be arrested. If there is over a certain amount, you'll be charged for smuggling drugs into Canada. Your vehicle might be seized until you pay a fine. You might even be thrown in jail for intent to sell.
• Oddly enough, they don't seize antidepressants.
• On the third hand, if you bring pot into another country, maybe some jail time will get through your thick skull that this is not a smart idea.
• If you're really bored and have some time to burn, bring in a tiny sealed baggie of baking soda.

Parking Wars: a bunch of people screaming because they don't read or don't care, then blaming the ticket writer or tow operator.

• Ever listen to the radio, hear a great song from one of your favorite bands, then go completely cold? I heard our local rock(HA!) station playing Little Feat. I started shivering, like they were going to announce one of them died. They don't play my favorite groups on the radio....
• I just checked... no deaths mentioned. I did find out that in 1975, Jimmy Page said they were his favorite American band. Wow.. imagine hearing that....

PENNY NEWS

She has just stolen her first (white) Oreo. She officially approves.

She has already stolen about four stuffed Eeyores. This will cost us quite a bit in Eeyore Replacement. Only Eeyores..... Marshall ate Eeyores too. Must be a dog thing.

Due to discovering several hitherto undiscovered escape holes in the fence, we have to walk her on a leash in her own yard. Can you see me repairing fences? I'd probably use the wrong tool (explosives, the car). 

She's another in a long line of tissue shredders. There's apparently something irresistible about shredding tissues. Can any of my readers elaborate? Can you ask your dogs, please?

Being an English Cocker, she barks with an accent. She has signaled her desire to be 'more than friends' with my leg.

She steals anything edible held under 5' and thinks the tissue box is a snack dispenser. Let's be gross here (still): her output is strewn with white tissue bits. Talk about fiber....



I've Had It

Know what I hate?
Everything.

Yeah, that's my normal attitude, but it's getting worse. I spend time on Twitter, and Reddit, meeting nice people and talking guitar. The political shit and vicious attitudes are completely out of hand - it's downright toxic. I used to shake my head at people who took 'twitter vacations', but now I understand. If I were to purge the political folks from my view, it would be interesting. And unearthly quiet. Regardless, I'm going to be cutting my participation down and somehow eliminating politics. I'm telling you this because I know you care (and you've stopped reading by now). If you choose to do something similar, it's quite possible your mood will improve. Maybe more than just your mood.

Are you sick of social media crap? Other crap?
Have you taken a vacation from it? How did that work out?
If it didn't, call 1-800-Jerry-Springer and maybe you'll be on the show. You will have to pass the chair-throwing and ugly tests first. You must also take an IQ test (and fail).

Faceyspaces Strikes Again

Sorry we're running late. As you might have read, we're experiencing more technical difficulties than we can shoot at with our available weaponry.



A Taiwanese hacker says he's going to delete Mark Zuckerberg's profile and stream it live. I'd watch it. Unfortunately it's being streamed on Faceyspaces itself.

Speaking of stupid, Faceyspaces engineers discovered a flaw on September 16th, which would have allowed hackers to take over fifty million accounts.

"This is a very serious security issue, and we're taking it very seriously, because we got caught" said CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Zuck (pronounced 'fuck') pointed out how sorry he is that he got caught, and promised swift action, because he'll get caught if he doesn't. The security team is being augmented, to avoid getting caught in the future.

Zuckerberg is up for a Nobel Peace Prize, but doubts he can reach the Peace Heights of Barack Obama, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for waging war across the globe.

UPDATE: Faceyspaces leaps to inaction and says that if people want to opt out, they should turn off 2 factor authentication. They should turn off an important safety feature. You can't make this stuff up.

• Perhaps I should've gone to college after all.  A professor, giving an intro to psychology course, accidentally ran porn instead of his video. The audience is described at being aghast. What group of 18 to 20 somethings is aghast at porn? Apparently students at the University of Toronto.
• One student had video of the accident and posted it online, where it was shared many times. Hmmmm.....
• The university said it was offering support to anyone who was disturbed. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Support! Break our the safe rooms, with soft pillows and puppies. And vagina hats.
• 10 students were home on Disability, 3 students were in Intensive Care, 5 were admitted to the Happy Place, and the course is booked solid for the next ten years.
• Education Pro Tip: stay away from the University of Toronto.

Gas prices in southern California are on the way to $4 gal.

Actual gas prices were $2 gal but the governor added a $2 gal tax for cleaning up some shit in San Francisco.

• An Italian man who slept with over 6,000 women just died. Italy mourns his loss.
• Mario Zanfanti died while having sex with a tourist one third his age. He died the way he lived.
• If you gotta go.....

War on Ants
The war continues. This particular battle happened in the kitchen. The clean kitchen, with no food laying out. Mrs lefty says, "If you see one ant, he has lots of friends you can't see." She put on her Sherlock Holmes hat, with the bill in the front and the bill on the back. This way the ants can't tell if she's coming or going. We got out our Secret Weapon<tm>, called Tero, or something like that. It's like really yummy cyanide they swarm on, eat, and carry back to their condos, apartments, and the Secret Ant Compound, where they go through a process called Eat and Die.  It's very technical. Part of it involves opening an odd plastic container, with "no spill packaging", which naturally wound up all over my shirt.

The process involves a bit of reality suppression, as they show up in numbers, even if you tape the bait on the ceiling. I don't want to discuss this any further.

Across the street, it looks like our neighbor has had it with the ants too. How do we know? There's a tank on his lawn, pointed at said house. Turns out it's a backup plan, as he's got some sort of Industrial Ant Stuff. This is a different method than Eat and Die.. the ants go for the bait and POOF - it puts tiny little dresses on them. The males are typically the raiders, so this embarrasses the hell out of them and they flee, fearing talk of their fetish, and sexual assault from the ants that like being in a fashionable frock. There are hundreds of books on the topic of Ant Dressing, which you can read in any ant library. Our neighbor said he'd let us know how it worked out. If so, we were free to use it. He didn't specify which... I'm hoping for the tank.

• Telegram desktop is a 'secure' messaging program. Unfortunately, it turns out to leak your private and public IP addresses. A leak in android is also possible. The vulnerability has been fixed.
• I've been suggesting Signal for encrypted messaging and phone calls for android and non-android phones. You can also put it on your desktop and sync it with your phone, so you can operate it from the desktop too. Do yourself a favor and install Signal. With FB, Zuck, Google, and the NSA listening to everything you do, why not use something that's incredibly difficult to crack?

Andy Warhol said something about everyone eventually getting their fifteen minutes of fame. The man could obviously see into the future. The latest reality show follows a number of spoiled rich kids sent to live as poor people. In case you think my characterization of spoiled rich kids is incorrect or personal, the commercial had one particular brat counting out $32,000 in pocketbooks (on one shelf among many). Oh, the horror.

Next up: rich people filling out the wrong tax forms and Daddy having to use his team of tax accountants work to solve this. The next show deals with the embarrassment and sheer horror of using the wrong fork. The show spends most of its time at the therapist's office, trying to work through a near fatal case of Social PTSD. As you read this, a new show is being pitched, where poor kids move in with rich families and hack into the family's finances, making them the poor family. In abject terror, rich people are phoning their buddies at the networks to have the show mothballed before it's accepted.

• So that global mass surveillance system to fight terror.... it's being used to spy on innocent UK citizens. Yes, ThermionicEmissions is correct again. We can't see into the future - if your government(s) puts in a spying system to fight 'terror', it will be used against you. As disturbing as this is in other countries, the US 4th Amendment guarantees against search and seizure. It has been violated. It is violated again and again.
• So let's get back to arguing republicans vs democrats, shall we? They both authorized this kind of thing.

From 2020 on, more than five million new Volkswagens will be fully connect to The Cloud. What could possibly go wrong? Lady - your Tiguan is trying to hack my router!

• God I love Windows. Forced to use it for work, I suffer from its aggravation. This morning it thought my second display was the primary display. It had gotten an 'update', of which I was unaware. Then it took my neatly arranged icons from the left side and moved them all to the right side, plus put them out of order. And this is just booting up. I'm waiting for it to decide the mouse is on the other side of the keyboard and to turn the display sideways. It locked me out last week, which I decided was a blessing. Oddly enough, this stuff doesn't happen at home on linux.
• No, at home on linux, I have a problem so weird that no one has even heard of it, much less knows how to go about solving it. And for once, I didn't do anything to cause it. I hope.

If the aliens have any doubt what we're up to, they don't even have to come to the planet... they just have to watch what happens to the moon when we get there. Nuclear physicist Stanton Friedman, godfather of UFO research, has the best description of mankind:

Apollo 13 did an experiment to figure out the moon's crust. It involved explosives. Within the past few years, we somehow found it necessary to actually bomb the moon, allegedly to look for water. I happen to know that in 2020, we're going to bomb the moon to reaffirm the presence of moon dust. The astronauts were clearly filmed in moon dust, but we need to make sure it's still there. There is a proposal for 2025, which involves shooting the moon with a very large nuclear weapon, to see what happens when the moon splits in half. [HINT: women's periods will last 56 days]

• There is absolutely no reason I should like Procol Harum, except that Robin Trower was in the group for a bit. Yet completely without guitar pyrotechnics, I really enjoy them. Check them out... A Salty Dog is one of my favorites, from 1969, featuring a very young Robin Trower.  You'll definitely recognize this one. Lastly, Conquistador is a hit from waaaaaay back.

I was thinking of new interesting things to add to the blog.

One recurring feature idea was Words the Spellchecker Didn't Understand. The generously provided spellchecker by Google (they don't charge for it or for the space to blog) apparently didn't cost them anything, as it's European (flavour, colour, pyjamas), and doesn't understand words (internet, tv, Zuckerburg). It will not learn from my corrections, so I get to see them each time I spellcheck. 

So I won't be adding this feature, as it will take twice the time it takes me to make all this shit up in the first place.

PC Police Off the Rails. And Cancer.

As we know, England has gone a bit silly with their anti 'hate' laws, making it illegal to say bad things to someone else. One enterprising policeman put two stores on notice that their Feminine Care signs are sexist and must be changed, perhaps to something like 'personal hygiene' or 'personal care'. You know - because men can use tampons. Not to be stopped in his relentless mission of stamping out sexism, he insisted other stores change their restroom signs featuring a woman with a baby, because the men's signs didn't have a baby.

The twitter backlash started immediately, with the officer being slammed for wasting tax money.  Although the story is old, it resurfaced. Usually questionable laws come from Australia, but this one from England is Orwellian. Police are being paid to police speech. It's astounding. One wonders if all other crime has been eradicated so the police can bring the full force to bear on the scourge of people saying bad things.

The policeman in question deleted his Twitter account.

• Condolences to the family and friends of the young lady who lost her life in Charlottesville, when someone drove into a crowd, also injuring many others. The online commentary has very quickly gone nasty and divided itself neatly into predictable camps. Thoughts:
• We (the US) have a First Amendment that allows free speech, no matter how repugnant. The KKK has every right to assemble, regardless of how we feel about them.. to curtail their right is to curtail everyone else's.
• The counter protesters have every right to protest also. It should be noted that when there are counter protests lately, violence tends to follow.
• Free speech does not cover punching or other violent acts, no matter how much any group feels it's ok. Hate speech is a misnomer, used only to shut down opposing views. Speech is speech in the US.
• It is very interesting to note commentary from other countries which do not have our freedoms. They don't understand free speech and think the KKK should not be allowed to march. Period.
• The KKK is a small bunch of agitators, who count on news and counter protests. If people stopped showing up, they would more than likely stop marching.
• At very least, the counter protesters showed up armed for violence.
• The police were given orders to stand down, allowing the violence to occur and escalate. Find out who gave this order and you have a path to find answers.
• It is not difficult to predict that this is only the beginning.
• Ironically, the group calling the KKK nazis wants to shut down speech they don't like.
• Someone spraypainted Fuck Laws, in red paint, on a column at the Lincoln Memorial.
• The above thoughts notwithstanding, arguing over this is a perfect example of Divide and Conquer. If we fight among ourselves, we won't be paying attention to other things.
• Where is this coming from? For one, George Soros, who pours untold millions into creating social unrest.

There is actually a 'sport' called Footgolf. It's advertised as being more exciting than golf. To be absolutely factual, watching grass grow is more exciting than golf, plus you don't have to whisper.

• Speaking of Charlottesville, Anonymous hacked a website called The Daily Stormer, a neo-Nazi site, which had published an offensive story about Heather Heyer, the lady who was killed by the person who drove his car into the crowd. After the hack, Godaddy, the provider of the page, gave the Nazis twenty four hours to move to a new provider.
• Anonymous says they have the location of the page's owner, Andrew Anglin, and promised to send allies to visit him in Lagos.
• We all love to see the neo-Nazis and Bad Guys get it, right? Does this mean Anonymous is good?
• I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to see the Bad Guys operate in the daylight, so it is easier to see what they are up to.
• GoDaddy states the page violated its terms of service. They were responding to complaints. The complainer, a blogger with an agenda, was outed, resulting in her phone number and address going online and being bombarded by trolls.
• The Daily Stormer registered with Google, which terminated the registration due to violation of terms of service. Someone's not reading terms of service.  I don't remember terms of service, but I do remember Google was pretty solidly behind freedom of speech. You're reading this on a Google site. Perhaps they have a term of service prohibiting neo-Nazis - I don't know.

There is a report of an Internet of Things thermostat playing music. How? It has an Amazon Echo built into it. The situation was remedied by the owner.

In related news, 500 folks who felt it was necessary to get 'smart' door locks found themselves in Deep Doo-Doo when the company shipped a software update that rendered the lock electronically inoperable. Owners had to use their keys, if they had them. The responsible party has offered two fixes, which take between five and eighteen days. Are you ready for the Internet of Things? This is a slow motion train wreck of impossibly large proportions.

• The government has demanded data on visitors to an Anti-Trump site, probably due to an investigation. Regardless of where you sit on the political spectrum, this sort of thing is bad. 
• On the other hand, perhaps the site should have been located on a server that did not keep this information.
• Some of the Antifa people are radicalizing. There were weapons and shields in Charlottesville. Does this justify an investigation?  Does this behavior violate anyone's terms of service?

So the aliens were giving a tour of Earth...

"This is Roswell, where we played a little trick on the Army Air Force in 1947."

"They call this the Bible Belt. Just ignore it."

"Dogs? They're ours.  Cats? The reptilians rounded them up and dropped them here."

• Ok, I'm dying here... in Atlanta, angry people (antifa) protesting violence defaced a peace monument. Then they all ganged up on a single policeman, shouting PIG! 
• Wait, it gets better... Black Lives Matter put themselves between the policeman and the antifa protesters.
• I'll admit it - I refer to BLM as a terror group. Kudos to them for this selfless act.
• Tomorrow morning, be sure to look for grass, which is now in the up direction, while the sky will be below.

Thus ends the game of Naked Monopoly.

• Given the opportunity, Americans would deep fry furniture

Marshall Update: The biopsy came back positive for malignant melanoma. Sort of. They're 'pretty sure'. There is, of course, another test, but we were told to assume positive. The good news is that they cut out all of it. The bad news is that it still has to be treated, just in case.

So Marshall will now get to see the Doggie Oncologist.

We love him unconditionally, but he's going to need his own GoFundMe page if this continues.

• It's time for my Yearly Tire Rant. Attempting to keep the car legal and maintained, it went to the mechanic. Bulb replaced, oil changed, and by the way, it will need four new tires. The car is obviously conspiring with the dog.
• For reasons I absolutely cannot fathom, my Hyundai requires performance tires. Performance tires. It's not like, at any moment, the engine will leap out of the car because the tires aren't performing. We don't race, we don't bumper car (anymore), and we are never in a situation where the car has to perform anything but starting and running.
• This is the first car I've ever had that has huge wheels and tiny tires. There are no other tires for this car. I'm thinking the car would ride much better with real tires on it but what do I know, aside from the fact that every car I've ever owned had them.
• To make things even more amusing, the tires are in the neighborhood of $250 each. I realize my cars were older, but that's almost what I paid for all four of them.