Will Somebody Please Pronounce Ghislane?

Your love is like  gray meatballs, from the convenience store. 

Yes, I'm easily impressed. It absolutely knocks me out to watch people typing on their phones with 1 hand. As a guitar player, I have some manual dexterity, but typing with 1 hand is like petting a giraffe's head from Dick Cheney's underground lair. Watching people type quickly is also mind-numbing. I have non-professionally graded my typing as 1 error for every key typed, and this is typing slowly. 

So if you want to impress me, show me you have no gag reflex bang away at the drums phone. Or pop by with some pizza, from the place we tithe to. Like I said, I'm easily impressed.

These made-up days are just giving me headaches.... Black Friday, Black Sunday, Cyber Monday, and now, Giving Tuesday. I noticed there's never a Give to lefty Wednesday, or Show Sympathy to Mrs lefty Sunday. Mind you, sympathy to Mrs lefty is a universal concept. No matter who I introduce to Mrs lefty, their first words are always "I'm so sorry." It doesn't matter if they're from work, bands, plumbing organizations - they always say that. Don't ask me - I have no idea. I'm a heavenly experience every day.

Today I identify as   that alien thing from the movie, that covered their faces

As the Flying AIDS vaccine approaches, we need to decide who gets its first. And who decided who gets it first. At this point, a committee of 'expert' advisers for the CDC makes recommendations. We need someone with more mojo, like the people who decide which shoes are going on sale at Target, or what coffee will be the special at Starbucks - people with import, style, and the aforementioned mojo. 

After we (they) decide on who decides, it's time to decide who gets the Magic Flying AIDS Cure<tm> first..

• some of the most important people in the world are the staff of convenience stores. Where will you get your coffee and donuts in the morning before going off to do your important work? Think about it.
• operators of adult websites - they're the highest rated for some reason or other, plus we need something to do while imprisoned in our own houses
• pizza delivery - do I really need to explain?

Of course we'll need a list of the last people to get vaccines too...

• anybody in media - do you really need to read about this shit anymore?
• Congress
• people who send emails with emojis in the subject
• the Top 20 album sales - truly disposable
• CDC and WHO executives
• anybody who doesn't want it and/or doesn't trust it

My very complicated relationship with Guitar Center continues, with the latest email telling me to have no regrets about taking advantage of the deals. Just the other day it was threatening to tell my wife about some visit I made with a woman who wasn't her, and now it wants me to take advantage of it. This is what you call a dangerous retail establishment: you know no matter what you do, it's not going to work out well, possibly involving the police and a no-contact order.  So I'm warning you, good readers, not to fall for any of this stuff. It will not work out well, and you cannot access ThermionicEmissions in jail.

Perhaps because of the holidays, the aliens are still at it. The disappeared Utah monolith which turned up in Romania has itself disappeared. These guys are really active this season, maybe because the Betelgeuse situation has been solved. I don't know these aliens any better than you, but I'd watch my anus, if I were you.

• UPDATE: the monolith re-reappeared, atop a California mountain. Although the aliens have an interesting sense of humor, it is somewhat less than fully developed.

Dear lefty  

• Should I remove my hat when indoors?
• although it is societal convention, you should definitely keep yours on - you do not want the top of your head visible, generally from the neck up.

It Went BOOM 

The Arecibo telescope, starting to have 'destructive events' lately, has gone all the way and collapsed. 

Invasive wasps are creating incidents with passenger planes.

An absolutely ingenious way to get rid of surveillance tech has reared its absolutely ingenious head: discover the tech is actually racist, misidentifying black faces and confusing broom handles with guns. As we know, anything even accused of racism is a non-starter. So we just identify all surveillance tech as racist - no problem.

One of the biggest booms in my life was Led Zeppelin. I never got to see them live. This article puts kind of a nasty period on one of my favorite bands. For years, I've wondered why we hear no more... I think we have an answer.

• the Amazon Quantum Uncertainty Delivery Principle is in high gear, having proved thus far that November 31 is November 31, but packages to be delivered November 31 will be delivered December 1-2. 
• The aforementioned Principle has been further modified to show that any day a package is promised for delivery has a higher chance of a Kennedy being elected (and remaining) in high office.

A new view of international financial health has been introduced by a Chicago aquarium, which takes its penguins for field trips to movie theaters, art museums, and football stadiums. Apparently the birds like to get out and be stimulated, when they're not following their keepers around.

I have inadvertently wound up with a Wife Detector. It only works at home:

It's Penny, the Wonder English Cocker.

When Mommy leaves, Penny's by the window, pining away. While this doesn't tell me where Mommy went, shoe shopping is always a good guess.

When Mommy's in her office, I know because Penny's in my office, staring intently at me, hoping I'll open Mommy's office door so Penny can sit next to her. She will continue to sit there, with her huge brown eyes, begging me to get her mother.

Cockers with abandonment issues (redundant, I know) can be put to good use.

• Teen makes dress out of 1400 mangoes to highlight food waste
• might also be highlighting mental instability, which should be looked into

An International Council on These Sorts of Things<tm> has expressed alarm over the LGBT communities' inclusion, thus far expanding their abbreviation to LGBTQIA+. The Council warns that their moniker hurts tolerance by requiring more letters every few months, ruining old letterhead and requiring new, plus putting people who don't know the latest few letters at risk from the tolerant group.

An Oscar-nominated actor came out as trans; formerly coming out as queer. Pretty soon there will be a checklist, I fear. 

I look at this the same way as I look at hiring people: the best person for the job - not their color, gender, race, or feelings about vanilla over chocolate. Naturally this fellow is being praised as a superhero, not for his acting ability, but for coming out.

Warning: guys, if you look at his picture and say you'd ask for a date, you'd be queer too. Perhaps this will require even more designations, whereby you get some percentage for being attracted to someone's birth gender, as opposed to current one. Nah, you'd wind up tarred as some sort of -phobic. Contrary to current belief, there are some benefits to being CIS-hetero.

The fellow who played Darth Vader, in the costume, has passed

When asked for comment, his voice said, "We've got the MEAT."

The UK is the first country to approve a 'fully tested' Flying AIDS vaccine.

It has been stated to be around 95% (that's 15% British) successful. Aside from the conversationally nasty nose hair, tendency for eyeballs to stare at each other (when they're not rolling backwards, into the head, like errant slot machines), occasional sex change, tendency to make you threaten the Nicaraguan President, permanent foot switch from left to right, joining foreign nose-picking competitions,  voting repeatedly for Biden, and repeated efforts to kill your own children, or anyone else's), this is a perfectly safe vaccine. Boris Johnson would have taken it himself, but he is just a hair frightened about the dunking one's head in acid side effect, which the Ministry of Silly Side Effects has listed, in a sealed filing cabinet, at the home of the lead janitor, up on the roof, under 12 other sealed filing cabinets, for public display. 

Twitter - DC Cesspool6%

1. The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. 

2. If they survive, the vaccine is safe

3. If they don't, the country is safe.

Heroes of the Stupid  

France, which is closing its ski slopes over Christmas, to protect everyone from the Flying AIDS, is imposing random border checks to stop citizens from skiing in neighboring Switzerland. And we thought Idiot Governor and Idiot Mayor had some ridiculous ideas...

An apparent Taylor Swift fan defaced Lana Del Ray and Dua Lipa's (2 Lips) Spotify pages. It's good to see, that in these days of the Flying AIDS, that Really Important Work<tm> is being done.