Your love is like Covid-20
Prominent liberals call for Dianne Feinstein's resignation over cognitive decline.
"We only tolerate cognitive decline in presidents"
Bill Gates makes bleak prediction for when Flying AIDS will finally end.
The guy responsible for a horrid operating system is now a virologist. Let's ask him about the common cold - that's annoying.
A top coronavirus adviser to
President-elect Joe Biden delivered a stern holiday message to Americans
on Thursday - "no Christmas parties"
Biden will call out the Army and National Guard to break into houses and look for wrapping paper. Any trees or Christmas stockings will result in a lengthy jail term, especially ugly stockings. Biden is bringing in Christmas specialist Bill Gates to assist.
Bethlehem will hold midnight mass without the public.
Also without baby Jesus and the animals. Bill Gates will personally vaccinate Mary.
Today I identify as the metal spiral from a spiral notebook that pokes you a lot
The Amazon Delivery Uncertainty Principle is the only rule of science that remains solid these days.
My package guaranteed to arrive today has.... SURPRISE!... not arrived. This is very disappointing because I had a big party set up for the box when it arrived. Several relatives, important guitar store owners, and a Flying AIDS-free mariachi band. Now what am I to do?
The great thing about ordering things these days is the Tracking. Tracking is a concept whereby you get a thing called a Tracking Number. When you haven't received your package (roughly 98% of the time), you check tracking. Tracking gives you a pretty little set of steps your package allegedly took on its way to you. The steps are all made up. The only 2 accurate things about Tracking are your number and the time it was delivered: anything else is pure drug-fueled fiction.
Tracking tells me Guaranteed Delivery today. As I mentioned, today is rapidly slipping away, like a vacation's last minutes. Beneath the guarantee is a graph indicating it was picked up. This is a great start, especially on the date of delivery (guaranteed delivery), only at the end of the graph it says Estimated delivery today. So the Guaranteed AND Estimated delivery are BOTH wrong. Einstein had nothing on Amazon.
This item was located 1 state away, an approximate 2-3 hour drive. Under the Guaranteed date (and all dates) was "High shipping volumes are causing some delays. Please allow extra time."
Schroedinger's cat could be alive or dead. Amazon's package system actually split probability into four:
- the delivery date promised at sale
- the guaranteed delivery date
- the estimated delivery date
- the actual arrival date
Did you ever think Amazon could outdo Einstein? I guess when you have Bezos money, anything is possible.
My last package is still in Amazon Oblivion - a state of matter impossible to describe or see. Tracking knows it went into Oblivion, but everything stops after that. Not even Quantum Expert Bill Gates can see into Oblivion.
UPS Tracking is known to all and always brought out during the holidays when everyone is filthy drunk needs a laugh. USPS tracking is new and fresh! USPS tracking makes you ask how a humongous nationwide organization which can't track its employees is going to track your little box. It can't. Our postman, Bob, said we weren't getting our box today because they don't deliver on Sundays. We didn't have the heart to tell Bob it's Tuesday. Fedex and the others use new-fangled scanners. They make the public feel secure in the location of their packages, but in reality, all it does it keep you sure the packages are lost. "Yup, 3726452XX2 - that's lost. Definitely. Anything else?"
The other curve ball is label printing. The label is printed 2 days after your credit card is charged - no one knows why. The label is attached to the box, which allows Tracking. The label can sit on the box for days before USPS or UPS or Grandma picks it up, because she's going that way anyway. So we're at a week before the box actually leaves the seller, but you have Tracking, dammit, so you feel better. My Tracking says Grandma picked it up 2 days ago, then it goes quiet. This means it will probably arrive within a week of the Guaranteed Arrival, but no one will update the graph. Until the package arrives, quietly, on your steps, at which point you'll get an email that it's delivered. Hopefully Grandma baked you some cookies.
UPDATE: It arrived! Only 2 days late. 2 days after the guaranteed delivery date. I can't bring myself to examine Tracking, so we're left to assume the package left the seller on the date stated (markings said it did), but after that date, it went into Amazon Oblivion. Since we are not advanced enough in our human development, we cannot see into Amazon Oblivion. There it lay, while we can only assume the Amazon Quantum Delivery Uncertainty Principle attempted to squeeze 2 days into 1, hoping we wouldn't notice the package had arrived 2 days late. Unfortunately the Uncertainty Principle uncertainly spit the package out, without having compressed time, therefore only the people paying attention (only the buyer) eventually notice the package being delivered 2 days late.... or that's what the Amazon Lady who answered the phone told me.
Santa Clara, California (of course), is going
door-to-door to test for Flying AIDS. The article is mealy-mouthed on whether this is mandatory. The Vaccine Card is next, people.
In France, dogs have been trained to sniff out the Flying AIDS, by sniffing armpits. Shock and surprise, the dogs are showing up in airports.
Dear lefty
- My dog sheds all over the car. My wife is really upset about this. What do I do?
- good cars are hard to come by: get rid of your wife
Buying a car sure is different.
I have a serious allergy to salesmen, of any variety.
Car salesmen contact can cause a trip to the hospital, faster than dinner with Idiot Governor, who is Flying AIDS positive.
I log onto the dealership's site, tell it what I want, and POOF- I can take my choice from whatever comes up. Note: Sofia Vergara is NOT an option. They make the whole thing so easy. You can even apply for financing and they'll deliver it to you. You barely have to look at a salesperson - it's like heaven, without all those allergy-causing wing feathers. They also do curbside delivery. This is where you buy the car and someone in a HAZMAT suit gives you the keys (this is not all that different than picking the car up, except you're wearing the HAZMAT suit).
Being a generally silly person, I cling to the old concept of test driving. I need to know which part of the wheel is going to imprint itself on my head if I crash. Whether the passenger seat has an annoying DING DING if the passenger doesn't have his seat belt on (or the dog sits on the seat). Which spot offers the most room for Boom Boom and which lever is most likely to have to be removed in the emergency room. Whether the 'backup display' gets HMO. Or HBO. How to make phones play through the stereo, failing, and the first gunshot location. Stuff like that. As a former land yacht driver, I want a car that can drive right over other cars, like an Abrams tank, but do it comfortably. "Honey, what was that little bump?" "A Toyota, I think."
My old boss was way ahead of me. He bought a Jaguar sight-unseen. He had to special order it because he wanted green and blood red interior (he was a doctor), but he never even sat in it. His previous car was a Mercedes and he taught me a riddle:
Q. Why is a Jaguar $60k and a Mercedes $120k?
A. So you can buy 2 Jaguars and rotate them in an out of the repair shop
He had a diesel Mercedes. It was the first Mercedes I ever drove. When he was off terrorizing people in other states, he'd encourage me to drive it around while he was gone. Little did I know this was because if left alone, it would turn into a pumpkin. A diesel pumpkin. At least it wasn't finicky.... it was a damn comfortable car, with very good handling. The ads said you could feel every nuance of the road. Translated, this meant "It's really friggin bumpy." The only slightly maddening, mind-shredding, temper causing thing was the acceleration: there was none. The car would do zero to 30 in one week flat, but you had to order it 2 weeks in advance. The best thing I can say about the acceleration is that when you floored the pedal, it kept moving. It kept moving at whatever speed you were going before you hit the pedal. And it kept at that speed for quite a while, sometimes til your destination. As you were parking it, the engine might ROAR. When I asked, he told me it was supposed to be like that. These are the kinds of things I miss by not being able to afford a Mercedes.
He tried to sell it to me once. I told him no matter how much he wanted to pay me, I wasn't buying. I couldn't get down the block without a display of Precision Temper Tantrum because the thing didn't accelerate. I couldn't make it to the convenience store around the corner without needing a drink. To make matters worse, you can't buy alcohol at convenience stores in PA.
UPDATE: It's a non-bouncing baby Hyundai.
We picked out the one we wanted online, went for a test drive, and bought a car with a 4 cylinder engine. My ancestors are spinning. They did a good job on this engine or we wouldn't have bought the car. We don't race, but it's not nice to be passed by old ladies jogging at the red light. The dealer was incredible.. it went so smoothly, I kept looking around for a 16 ton weight to fall on me. Am I excited? Yes - I will never have to listen to FM radio again!
A car. A house. These are things adults have. I am not an adult, although Mrs lefty says I'm being dragged to it, kicking and screaming (and napping). What you look for in a car changes as you pass your teens. Mrs lefty, with her back, wants a comfortable seat, that accelerates (the car and the seat). I want a huge, comfortable car with a large trunk to handle guitars (and bodies). Come to think of it, I haven't changed at all.
It took longer to sign 143 papers than test drive. No haggling, no naggling, and with the eyes of the lady helping out, I would have signed anything. Good thing I had my trusty wife there to throw a pail of cold water over me. Have I mentioned no more FM radio? Bluetooth and Aux In work. The one in the old car was broken and we were left with only FM radio. It was torture. We verified this with torture expert Bill Gates. I expect to be allowed to drive the car eventually, for the first time, if there is an emergency and Mrs lefty is out in the other car that hates her, which she hates and won't drive.
- People Who Drink 6+ Glasses Of Water Daily Happier, More Successful...
- because people who drink 6+ glasses of wine daily couldn't stand up to report for the survey
M*A*S*H was a really cool show. One of the recurring plots was Corporal Klinger, who wanted to get out of the army on a Section 8 (crazy) discharge. He dressed like a woman all the time but never got thrown out.
Going back more years, Gomer Pyle could've gotten out immediately by making a pass at Sergeant Carter. They'd throw him out faster than you can say "don't ask, don't tell." Unless Sergeant Carter was also gay, in which case the Marine barracks would require a Marine-size closet.
I just saw another one of those legal Sue Them commercials about the Mormon church and molestation. We know about the Catholic church and the Boy Scouts - now the Mormon church. We know pedophiles put themselves into places where there are a lot of potential victims. WTF is wrong with these people? Why are there so many of them? Why are there so many legal commercials?
You cannot 'fix' a pedo. Period.
Speaking of which,
churches are debating reparations to both African Americans and Native Americans.
Good for them - it's their money.
Still no mention of pedophile priests.
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