What about having sex on your office desk?
Try it out and report back, please.
Your love is like ground beef with blue hair growing on it
It was almost worth pulling over to take a picture..
The liquor store, with the flashing advertising sign that said Ready for School?
Like many, we have 2 cars: 1 for her,and 1 for the dog.
No, wait, 1 for her and 1 for her.
Hang on, 1 for her and 1 for me.
2 for her but the 1 she's mad at for me. That's it.
We have a long, wicked history with cars. 1 had over a dozen minor accidents with Mrs lefty at the wheel: none her fault. I watched people come out from nowhere to hit her. My dad gave us his sentimental car, which started every day and was just fine as long as you didn't like to accelerate faster than a lawnmower or have air conditioning. Air conditioning season was made more interesting because the driver's window didn't come down. I gladly drove this car to work because it started. Mrs lefty would go to great lengths not to drive it. One day I found her digging up the back yard for an underground entertainment center for the block, when I finally asked her what was up. "It scares me."
The first week, some asshole dented it. Then it stopped 'just starting' and even Dad couldn't figure out why. It sat in the drive until we saved enough to fix it. Unfortunately we never figured out how much this was because a tree fell on it, smashing 2/3's of the lucky sentimental car. You cannot be seen driving to work with a just starts car in which only 1/3 is roadworthy, although this isn't such a great problem in many parts of Philly.
Dad was not amused.
When it became clear Dad was not going to be driving anymore, they gave us their next car, which has been in the family since 1863. It was made for exactly 1 year, by a non-car company that thought it was a good idea at the time to build cars. At the end of that year, they packed their gear, screamed, and ran off to Acapulco, vowing never to make anything with tires ever again. Their factories went back to making vacuums. It begins with an S, I think. Subaru, Suzuki, Schism, Saluki, I just can't remember. I have to avoid asking for insurance quotes because I just can't remember. I froze up last year, when they wanted not only the make, but the model. G-Bus, these people are killing me - isn't Saluki good enough? How many models did Saluki make in the single year they made cars? That's a lot to make an owner remember.
So the Saluki went in her name but nobody remembers why. It has no value and we don't drink. Every now and then she'd call with bizarre complaints, where the car would start hiccupping, snorting, losing power, and claiming to be Beyonce. We asked every member of the family, including the dead ones, what these things meant. Nobody knew a thing, and I didn't want to be the one guy on the block whose car thinks it's Beyonce - it gets no royalties, so I don't want to hear no shit about who it thinks it is. Guy down the block's car thinks it's Jen Aniston and it has so much green it gets repairs even before anything breaks. You'd never know it was over 50 years old, lawdy. Last family member said the tire light was always on, but that was only to let us know it had tires. Somebody else said the engine light was always on, and I guessed out loud that it was to remind us it had an engine. Alas, no, it was to let us know to pick up a spare engine, if we ever drove past certain vacuum factories. The other one told us the engine light never came on. Mrs left was not impressed. Further not impressive was the fact that none of this ever happened to me when I drove it. She thought maybe the car (or the family) was having a bit of a laugh at her expense. This was her fatal mistake: she is hilarious enough in her everyday life not to require Car Hijinks. So even though this car is legally hers, she refers to it as 'the Saluki."
This car did not come with a great invention of mine, as no other cars on the planet do: a pizza slot, preferably heated. You've all had to transport pizza, hopefully not across state lines, and you go to put it on a seat which isn't level, so the cheese all slides to one end. If you had a pizza slot, you would simply slide the pizza in, set the temperature for Transport, and be certain it would be as-new when you got to your destination. For a few hundred extra, you could have some Pizza Scent wafting through the car, whether or not you were transporting pizza. Yet another Billion Dollar Idea.
So the one-sided cheese pizza and I are stopped in a left-hand turning lane. We watch a car go through the intersection on the other side, stop 100' past, and start to reverse back on this busy road, eventually doing a 180 and disappearing somewhere. I was most impressed, the pizza was flipped out. As I made my left turn, I was stopped by a car just sitting there, on the wrong side of the street. Yes, it was the Great Reverser. It had been a very impressive night - even the pizza wasn't prepared for this kind of excitement.
As I got closed to my destination, the car had no power and the engine light came on. Yeah, this was just like Mrs lefty described. I'm sorry - where was I?
Today I identify as the winter glove with no mate. It was there last year and all through the summer...
So I called Mrs lefty, both to tell her that she wasn't imagining things (well, those particular things), and that she should stand by, in case she had to come rescue me in 'her' car. I called her on her phone - no answer. I called her on the landline - no answer. This is a continuing thread. I thought I could never get in touch with her because she simply didn't want to talk to me - it was an honest, straightforward issue. But no, it's everybody who needs to talk to her. Working from home, I've been able to watch this. The moment she walks into another room, her phone rings. If she goes to let Penny out, the phone rings. If she's on the phone, the phone rings. If she takes a nap, the phone, that she leaves near me, rings. Continuously. Then the alarm she set to wake her from her nap rings. On the phone she left near me, not by the bed. I know if Satan Himself, or his earthly representative, Dick Cheney, was about to eat my soul and I got 1 phone call first, I'd tell him nah - enjoy your snack.
I pondered installing a beeper in her intestines, but knowing her, she'd change intestines on the day I needed to get in touch.
- Have you ever had a family member delivered by the police?
- Leave the story in the comments
- Mine started KNOCK KNOCK - Police. Is she yours? Do you want her?
- [confused] I guess this means she's not upstairs napping.
- Famous 9-11 prevaricator and Trump stooge Rudy Giuliani turned up infected and was rushed to the hospital. We expect to find out what he's infected with any moment now...
- Should I go shopping in person this year? Is it safe?
- absolutely. Go out, take video, and don't wear your mask. I need some holiday cheer.
- A robot is now making Jamba smoothies in a California Walmart in less than 3 minutes
- Spokesperson for Walmart said robot would not be hired full time until it screws up at least 65% of orders.
(CNN)The Department of Defense released the first images of a Covid-19 vaccination record card and vaccination kits Wednesday.The Department of Defense?There may be questions...
Those wacky conspiracy theorists are right more and more these days.
Let's Go Shopping!
- Be careful when browsing Ebay for "english cocker spaniel" in the morning. You're liable to wind up with Joe Cocker, Jarvis Cocker, LuLaRoe, or Training Guide, teaching the dog how to train the people. Although... "Tribute" is all about the Joe Cocker Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, as well as the tribute concert with Tedeschi Trucks. Hmmm.....
- Fortunately, you will not turn up any refurbished wireless ear buds. Why they've probably sold damn near two of them.
- You can now buy New Balance sneakers that look like they're already dirty. From the people who brought you pants with holes already in them.
- I was going to purchase some essential oils, but I had to check with Idiot Governor to make sure they weren't non-essential oils, and couldn't be purchased because of the Flying AIDS.
- Slouchy beanie hats are on sale. They would instantly confer Coolness upon me, especially in summer, when it's 90 degrees. I hope they're made from wool.
- How about a refurbished Roomba? It keeps banging into stuff and terrorizing the cat because it has the previous owner's floor plan in it.
- There's the Ninja Foodie. As I understand it, you put all the ingredients in it, leave the room, and 5 black-suited Asians come down from the attic and cook your food for you.
- Guitar Center is still at it, but has appeared to change its borderline stalking behavior to plain old ads. Stalking aside, I'm not going in there until they have something I want. They can have as many sales as they like.
- You can get all sorts of refurb power tools. I'd be all over them, but I'm not allowed to own power tools after the Mouse Incident. Heh heh.
- there's a Tag Heuer Chronograph for $2400. Because you can't legally call it a watch over $1,500.
- Ebay, in an actual attempt at targeted marketing, wants to sell me a variety of p.a. systems. If Ebay read this blog, they'd know that for me to use a p.a. system, I'd need a band. They are not selling bands, sadly. Godammit, I'm the best-equipped guitar player in my neighborhood.
- There are also 2 sets of salt and pepper shakers. I'm not sure what this means. Oh shit - they bugged the house! We couldn't find the shakers the last time we cooked.
- I could buy some gym shirts, but unless they compress flab, they're of no use to me.
- Some very smart company sells a 3 pack of laser levels. Because you're always losing one. It's like buying a wireless phone with 2 or 3 handsets. You don't need 2 or 3 handsets, but you're going to lose 1 or 2 of them. Or they're going to break.
- very popular are the 13" laptops. They're called Squints.
- Here's a great article: Why Europe's big cannibis route is so hard to shut. Wait, did I say great? Is that demon marijuana coming to get us? Is this one of those Onion stories? Looks like just another justification for keeping the (failed) war on drugs going. I don't even smoke the stuff but this is just silly. I suspect the only marijuana related deaths we'll ever see are the war on drugs troops.
- You Own You. You want to put that stuff in your mouth, go right ahead. Just don't hurt anybody else in the process.
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