Nod if You're Asleep

The Wichita State University student government refused to recognize a libertarian student group because of their First Amendment advocacy. Let me repeat this in a typed squeaky voice: the student government won't recognize a group because it believes in free speech, as specified in the Constitution. Them words is hurtful.

• This just in, from a doctoral candidate: "Science is historically and inextricably linked to European colonialism and white (male) supremacy." Yes, this fellow may get a PhD for saying science is a white male construct. Let's gather our torches and head out to the stoning!

The local Fox morning show is doing a segment on Mommy Guilt, when going on vacation without your infant. "You came this close to not going."

Wow. The guilt and shame. Because our moms actually stayed home after they gave birth.  The lady was nursing. Just to make things more ridiculous, they had a 'professional' on, explaining why this was a good idea. 

• United Airlines had yet another public relations nightmare the other day, when they overbooked and had to ask for a volunteer to give up a seat. No one volunteered and they literally dragged a passenger out of his seat, bloody from hitting his head on an armrest. United also destroyed a guitar in its case and got famous for turning down a woman for wearing leggings. To be fair, the Leggings Lady was flying on what's called a buddy pass, and is subject to a dress code, in which leggings don't exist. 
• United's PR department is either working overtime, of which there is absolutely no evidence, or exists as some sort of bizarre performance art (more likely). I know people at United. They're visiting doctors from injuries sustained in massive, repeated head-shaking incidents.
• Social Media is delivering a scathing response to this, one in the form of New United Slogans. Here are mine:
• Fly United - Get Carried Away
• Fly the Extremely Unfriendly Skies
• Get up, stand up. Don't put up a fight
• You Should Probably Do What You're Told
• New United fare bonus: 10% off to anywhere if you promise not to take video of anything that might happen
• I would personally like to thank United for this endless bounty

I was just advised that Stations of the Cross is NOT HBO and Discovery

• There is some research (abstract available, pay to download) suggesting that atheists/agnostics are more likely to believe in extraterrestrial intelligence. Interestingly enough, the pope is not a religious man.

If you use Adobe Flash and/or Acrobat, be sure to update or allow the update. It fixes 56 critical issues. On Windows, I replace Acrobat with the free ....

I noticed that after a certain age, I started to have trouble with objects of a sentence. I'd think to myself, "Gee, Self, you should talk about that software called Zanzibar. Ok, cool. Readers, you need to use this software... it's called ... ummm..." SHIT. It was just in my head. What the hell happened to it? It begins with a Z and I can see the opening screen in my head. ($&U#@

• Marshall the cocker is home after his ear surgery. We're so happy to have him back, along with Even More Medicine to give him.  This operation must be really painful, as he's crying a lot.... this absolutely kills us. We're keeping him stuffed with pain pills and hoping for the best.
• He came back with the Cone of Shame, which is a large lampshade-looking plastic thing that fits over his head so he doesn't chew or wreck the stitches or surgery area. Sadly, it looks funny. The real problem, aside from him banging into everything, is that feeding him is a geometric nightmare. His natural response is to pull up and away from the food when you present it. Everything needs to be at just the right angle for him to eat it. This is less of a problem with solid things like meatballs. He's very good with meatballs, in which we hide his meds. He has, however, sworn off dog food. Giving him a drink is even more difficult. He cannot simply use his normal bowls.

The need to give Marshall meds also means the wife sitting up with him a lot. Last night must've been something, as I slept alone.  When I got up, due to a lively wife plopping herself onto the bed and explaining things to an inert me that didn't need to be explained while I was sleeping, there appeared a breakfast pastry. I don't remember eating these, as they're absolute junk, but I was assured by a junior member inside that I used to eat them all the time. Ok then.

Thirsty after the iced cinnamon roll, I went to the fridge, which had become stocked with watered-down lemonade and chocolate milk from the convenience store. Opening the freezer, I beheld three Ben and Jerry's bizarrely-flavored ice creams, one without a lid.

Yes, this is what happens when the internal children go shopping at some weird hour of the morning.  It's a good thing heavy machinery rental places are not open overnight, as there would be a Caterpillar on the front lawn. With a Barbie flag attached to it.

UPDATE: some of that ice cream is delicious, especially for breakfast, to wash down that frosted pastry. We all tested them in detail, to make sure none of them was bad or poisonous.

Know what's really, truly sad? When a frosted treat's frosting sticks to the wrapping. It's 2017, people... can't Modern Science<tm> do something about this?

• Just when I think the US has gone completely mad, the UK steps in, having gone madder. The fun starts over a clothing ad, featuring a skinny model. This prompts a complaint. The complaint goes to an advertising watchdog. The advertising watchdog reviews, then clears the ad. Not that we don't have all sorts of groups with agendas, but...

Basil Fawlty - Fawlty Towers

Poop Everywhere!

Got a pet and a Roomba (automatic vacuum cleaner)?
Apparently you can be in deep doo-doo if the machine runs over pet poop (or any other poop, one would imagine). In one case, it spread the poop all over the house. This is the main reason I love blogging.

• CNN has admitted to shorthanding ('creatively editing') the clip of the dead Milwaukee man's sister. The edited version said, "Call for peace." The original version said, "Go burn down the suburbs, not our local businesses." CNN apologizes.

Liz Cheney won the primary for the US House seat her father held. She is reported to have her own heart but does evil run in families?

• After what must have been an unnecessary lawsuit, a New Jersey driver can now order his 8THEIST license plate. His suit claimed religious discrimination because the Motor Vehicle Commission had approved a plate that said, "BAPTIST." Why are we even having this discussion?

Eight female Egypt state TV anchors have been given one month to lose weight before being allowed back on air. Perhaps they have had some consultants in from Fox.

• At her 58th birthday party in Havana, Madonna danced on a bar. Ambulances and life support stood by. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite.. sure, most of my favorite musicians are in their 60-70s.

A Malaysian oil tanker was 'not hijacked' despite earlier reports. Because it's really easy to get confused between 'hijacked' and 'not hijacked'.

• Unwanted pet goldfish are growing to the size of footballs in Australian waters. If they don't get eaten by the giant unwanted pet alligators, we're all in trouble.

I don't have a ton of good (or bad) things to say about Taylor Swift, but she just donated $1 million to help Louisiana recover from the flood. Hats off for your humanity, Taylor.

• The BBC News reported a study on the rising number of Islamophobic posts on Twitter.  Islamophobic is defined as anything negative about Islam. Not slanted at all, is it? Hmmm.. did they study the elections? I'm sick of them - if I tweet this, am I fraudophobic? If I tweet something bad that a gay guy did, am I homophobic? (ok, bad example). I really can't stand the Olympics (Zikaphobic), Social Justice Warriors (WhiteGuiltphobic), or Kim/Kanye (ok, that's just normal). Then there's concert prices (ServiceChargephobic), bad drivers (idiotphobic), and loud coworkers (deafophobic). Might as well give up on Mainstream Media (Agendaphobic), as if that's news.

Best headline of the month:

Police to search Bath park today for more dismembered feet


 Here's some readable tech stuff:

• 5 back to school tips to help kids stay safe online. Share this with children and adults you know. Avoid sharing it with kids you don't know - people tend to get upset about this.

If you're planning to install some spyware on your husband or wife's computer, things are starting to get 'interesting' in the courts. A US court has said that a man can sue a spyware company whose software was used unlawfully by a jealous spouse to intercept his messages. This is a significant case and should be watched. Don't you like it when I get all legal?

• So that DNC hack? It was investigated and determined, as in the press, to be Russian hackers. One of two hacks proved the Russians were inside the network for a year.  This is not partisan politics, folks... this is Serious Shit<tm>. If they're inside the DNC, where else are they? Answer: safe to assume most places.

Need a little light, amusing reading? Here's what happens when your work computer is full of large amounts of porn and it needs a little bit of repair...

So tell me - what's it like, being thrown through the windshield? No, we haven't called an ambulance-this will look great on the news.

What is at the top of Trump?

Poor sleeping pattern could be a contributing factor to cancer, a test on mice suggests.

I am not exactly a scientist, medical expert or even a mouse enthusiast but I must take exception to this travesty of research. What the study shows is that weird sleeping can cause cancer in MICE.

* In most cases, mice are not humans, although some humans are known to be mice.

* The study cannot prove a causal relationship because you cannot accurately simluate real world sleep patterns in mice. The study did not account for the wife leaping in and out of bed, the wife waking you up because she's up anyway, the dog jumping on your chest and circling before going to sleep, or the mouse's neighbor running the $@!ing lawnmower at seven in the morning.

* the mouse does not suffer sleep deprivation over how he's going to pay for the kids' iPhones.

Conversely:

* the human doesn't have to worry about cats (or the dog, if he sees the cat chasing it).

* the human is not likely to be used for medical experiments (unless the CIA is involved).

* The human will not fit through the hole in the molding (or the wainscotting)

* Most humans can NOT make it through a maze

• Peru is about to make 'first contact' with an isolated Amazon tribe.
• 30 days after first contact, the Mashco Piro Indians will send back some questions:

1. We're very impressed by television. May we return the favor by leading an attack on the tribe Kardashian?
2. Why do all of your things have 'i' in front of them?
3. 'Hummer' mean something else here.
4. What is at the top of 'Trump'?
5. May we trade hunting skills for this 'boob job' thing?
6. What medicine for VD?
7. Why do you sit on 'couch' when you can sit on log?
8. Why do you have such small... gen... genit... penises (except for the dark ones)?
9. 'Glock' less accurate than bow and arrow.
10. No, Tonto not related.

Who says militias are bad or crazy?
After the tragedy in Chattanooga, militiamen, veterans and citizens are standing outside armed forces recruiting centers, guarding them with their own guns. For some reason known only to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, recruiters are not allowed to carry weapons, so these folks are acting as unpaid guards, on their own time and at their own expense.  Some of the neighbors are nervous but more importantly, the recruiters are safe and they're standing up for their own. 

• Scientist warns the world to 'think twice before replying to alien signals from outer space'  The only problem is that any civilization that would be capable of sending signals here would already know about us. Again, a smokescreen.

In case you missed it (or are in denial), an all-transgender modeling agency is opening in LA. More dick for the click?

• A brain-eating amoeba has been found in Louisiana water.  They should also be checking Kentucky and D.C.

BEST headline of the month/year:  Wyoming man found with 30 eyeballs stuffed up his anus. Probably because the silverware no longer fits.

• A Philly treat for many years is water ice. For those of you in far-away climes, it's somewhat similar to a Slurpee/Icee but a little less liquidy and eaten with a spoon. Marshall aims to be the first spaniel with an endorsement deal from Rita's Water Ice.

Got Water Ice?

Speaking of Trump, we should all know by now that he's running for president. This definitely complicates the decision as to which presidential candidate gets the ThermionicEmissions endorsement. Of course my vote always goes to the libertarian candidate but at this point we're not sure who that is. This may be a political statement on the election. Trump himself is a real spoiler - if he gets in, there will be no shortage of material and General Amusement, of the variety promised but not delivered by Joe Biden. Then there's the perennial favorite, Vermin Supreme, because how can you argue with a presidential candidate who wears a boot on his head? Stay tuned for details.

• The FBI is sure getting good at tracking down suspects: check this story out. Never mind the kidnapping - look at how the FBI managed to get the info. This is creepy (and the NSA is jealous).

CHILD ABUSE WEEKLY

AS readers might have noticed, I take a dim view on child abuse, noting that it goes all the way to the top. Here are a few stories from this week: Epidemic of US children sold for sex and FBI says child abuse at almost epidemic levels. Police, citizens, Members of Parliament, Congresscritters... all the way to the top.  In fact, Met Police is investigating the late former prime minister Edward Heath (posthumously) into claims of historical child sex abuse by establishment figures.

• There are some articles that leap right out at me and say ThermionicEmissions!  Dozens of bra-wearing men and women have protested in Hong Kong after a woman was jailed for assaulting a senior policeman with her breast.  A Chinese woman accused an officer of touching her breast. The court ruled that she pushed her breast into him so she could charge him. 
• I'm starting to develop a fantasy. A fine fantasy of fanatical frenzied females, all trying to assault me. Life is good.

Service dog dials 911 during fire, saves blind owner. Yolanda the yellow lab called the fire department. Dogs truly are better than humans. Yolanda also called 911 last year when her owner fell and lost consciousness.

• NFL running back comes out of the closet: No, he's not gay. No, he's not changing his gender. No, he's not a pedophile....even worse - he's an atheist!

Close it on Some Musical Magic!

Ever heard of Steve Vai?  You might have caught him as David Lee Roth's early solo guitarist or in Frank Zappa's band ("my little Italian Virtuoso", Stevie's Spanking). Steve is one of those rare Guitar Geniuses. Anyone who can transcribe for Zappa and play that stuff is among the musical elite.  Steve is a delightfully wacky musician who does things his own way.

Another of those tunes guaranteed to make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention is For the Love of God.  Notice the way Steve owns the stage, the music, and his guitar. The guitar faces are priceless and completely appropriate. The studio version of this song, not far away from this recorded version, was recorded after a fast of a number of days.

We are also treated to a bit of pre and post-tune virtuosity, ala Steve's Noises. Steve is ably accompanied by the even more wacky Mike Keneally (Beer for Dolphins, Frank Zappa) on guitar and keyboards.

Does Mr. Vai look familiar?  You might have seen him as the devil in Crossroads, playing against Ralph Macchio in the Soul Selling Scene.  Or the triple-necked guitarist in David Lee Roth's 'Just Like Paradise'.

Enjoy his take on Jimi's Little Wing. One of Steve's more amusing tracks is The Audience is Listening, with one of his school teachers on announcements.

Today's Irony Effect

In Atheism We Believe?

It's ok that you want to marry.  We don't care about his color, hobbies, orientation or job.  Just please don't tell us he's an atheist....

According to a survey, atheists are among the most disliked groups in America.

Actually it's ok - we found out it's not their fault... their brains are different.  Note that the question came from Utah....

Crisis - What Crisis?

Hey, did you know the country's in a financial crisis, the likes of which have never been seen before?  In order to disguise this, our friends in Treasury are dipping into federal pension funds to allow President Giveaway the power to create more debt.

Hear the Sea

We can now listen to the sea floor!  The University of Victoria, in Vancouver, set up listening posts so we can hear what's happening.  But, oops... now the US Navy is not happy.  So everyone reached a happy compromise:  all audio is sent directly to the Navy, censored, then returned to the UofV so people can listen.  This is SOPA without even a chance to give input.


Got that glowing feeling?

Been to Bed Bath and Beyond lately?  Quite a large quantity of tissue boxes were produced with Cobalt-60, which is radioactive.  Standing near on of these little beauties for thirty minutes per day will give you the equivalent of several chest x-rays.

The boxes were made in India and shipped to the US, before going to the stores.  At no point was the radiation detected.  Bravo Big Sister!  Way to protect us yet again.


iSuicide?

What happens when Chinese slave labor threatens to throw itself off buildings if it doesn't get a raise?  They get laid off.  Who says the Chinese can't learn from the US?